The How to recover from a spiritual malady weekend seminar in Fresno, CA

My name's Bob Darrell. I'm an alcoholic. Bottom of page 62, kinda sums up the whole deal and what we have to do. This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God that didn't work.

I could have never imagined that I was playing God. I I didn't think I was. I would go to my sponsor in early sobriety's in early sobriety with lists of people that were out of line, you know, that people I work with that are stealing or they're coming in late or they're not pulling their weight. And people in AA that were out of line, you know, that aren't putting money in the basket or they're or they're lying in meetings or they're full of crap, or they're they're just they're, you know, they're just looking for to get laid. They're not really there to be serious.

And and he'd always say the same thing to me. He says, you gotta quit playing God. I'd say, I'm not playing God. I'm reporting accurate information here. I'm not playing God.

And I couldn't get it that I was playing God. I had climbed up on the throne of judgment and I was playing God in a state of separation between me and you. And it says it didn't work, and that's the problem. I think I've done that all my life because I have this illusion that it'll work. When you if you're like me and secretly, you don't you got the egomaniac with the inferiority complex going on inside you.

That's that you really feel less than an awful and inadequate and full of fear, and yet you have this tremendous ego that rises up to compensate for the inferiority and the fear. It's it's like being on this with this weird teeter totter thing. And the reason that that the judgment doesn't work is that I'm under the illusion that if I can pull all of you down that maybe that is my vehicle for rising up, for feeling better about myself. Almost as if if I can feel superior to you maybe I won't feel so bad about myself when it's just me. But the problem is it never works.

It doesn't you can't level the playing field by judgment. All it does is you still feel like crap secretly when you're by yourself, And now, you're by yourself more because you've distanced yourself from everybody else. So you've enhanced the state of separation which enhances the feeling of something being wrong with me, which makes the hole even bigger, which drives the ego, which make makes me wanna judge you more, trying to make me feel better, which makes me more separate and apart from it's a tremendous squirrel cage. And I've spent the reason it doesn't work, I've spent my whole life doing this. And what I've discovered is that my ego and my real self sense of self worth are diametrically opposed to each other as if they were on a teeter totter or a balance scale.

When my self esteem, the real my real sense of myself inside is poor, and I don't really feel that good, and my self esteem is low. My ego rises up to try to compensate. When my self esteem is really low, that's when I'm the most driven for validation. That's when I need attention. That's when I pick you apart.

That's when I'm unforgiving. That's when I'm intolerant. That's when I'm the most judgmental. That's when I need the props. That's when I never have enough money and never have the nice enough car.

Never have it's never enough because I never because this up here does not really change this down here. And the reverse is true. As a result of making amends and helping others, there are moments in my sobriety where my self esteem is really high. And, I'll tell you a funny thing, when I'm really good inside, this is very low. When I'm really okay, what you're doing is fine.

I don't have to pick it apart. It's you're okay. I'm okay. You're okay. It's quiet.

It's fine. When I'm really okay and my self esteem is really good, I don't need a new car. I don't have to be the guy. How you doing, Bob? See my new car?

I don't have to be that guy. I don't need the props. I don't need the validation. I don't need anything because when you're really okay, you're really okay. Right?

You're really okay. I don't have to be okay at your expense. I don't have to be okay any because I'm just really okay. And I've had it backwards all my life. I fed the beast.

All my life, I've had it reversed. When I feel bad, I always gravitate towards actions that give me validation and and defend my and pump my ego up. And what it does is when my ego goes up, it automatically pushes my self esteem down because, okay, I'm not I'm not the guy that really feels about himself, that feels good about himself, I'm the guy that feels bad about himself, that's dressed up to look like he feels good about himself, and I I have that feeling of phoniness and being found out. I feel like a facade human being, which enhances my low self esteem, which drives my ego. They're diametrically opposed to each other, and I never knew that.

I always fed the wrong beast. I always went for gratification. I always went for me. I always went the ego stuff, and I never it never would have occurred to me when I feel bad that I should go make amends or help somebody else. It is not my first inclination.

I got that here. I would have never it would have never occurred to me. I would always feed the beast. Always natural inclination, always feed the beast. There's an old American Indian proverb of of a young brave who who goes to the old wise medicine man and and he goes to him and he says, I I don't understand what's going on in my life.

Sometimes I I I feel very good about myself and other times I don't feel very good. Sometimes I seem to be full of apprehension and fear and other times I just seem to feel comfortable and go with the flow. Sometimes I seem to be real wrapped up in myself and I don't fit in the tribe, and other times I really feel a part of the tribe. And what is it? What's this why is this is it like this?

As if there's 2 parts to me. And the wise man said, son, your life is like 2 dogs. A black dog and a white dog. A dog that represents love and one that represents self and fear that are stuck in a that are trapped in a sack, locked in their immortal combat to the death. And the young brave says, oh, my God.

Well, which one wins? And the old man said, the one that wins is the one you feed. It's the one you feed. And if I feed this, this one is diminished. If I feed and Alcoholics Anonymous is re especially with good sponsorship in the steppes are is will encourage you to feed the good dog, to feed yourself, to take actions that really that would never occur to you, that really change the way you feel about yourself.

It's like when you go if you go if you're like me, you go to your sponsor, how you doing? I don't really feel too good. I don't feel very comfortable. I think I'm gonna buy a new car. Bob, why don't you go over here down to detox and pick up a couple guys and give them a ride to a meeting?

Well, I don't know. I think I'd feel a lot better with a new car. Well, why don't you do that? Just go over here and do that. And what happens is I go over and do that and I get these new guys in my car and I start sharing myself and I feel useful, and I'm letting them off back at the detox and they're saying to me, thank you.

You really helped me. And I'm driving home that night. I don't need a new car. I'm telling you. I don't need nothing.

But I go buy the new car. 3 weeks later, all I got is the goddamn payments. Right? Right? The shines already worn off of the deal.

It's like it's because I fed the beast and now I that that I feel even worse. We had to quit playing God. It didn't work. I am I cannot rest happiness and satisfaction out of this world by managing well. It's a delusion.

It's a delusion. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our director. He is the principal and we are his agents. He is the father and we are his children. Most good ideas are simple and this concept was the keystone of the new and through and triumphant arch through which we pass to freedom.

Some great analogies there. God was going to be my director. He is the principal, I am his agent. He is the father. I am his child.

I think I always had it backwards. I wanted him to be my agent. I wanted to petition God for help and give him a list of what kind of help I needed. And come on, let's let's get with it here. Ultimate butler.

Right? The ultimate butler gopher, executive secretary God. Right? I want to petition you about. So I'll be better.

And what Alcoholics Anonymous is is talked about is it is not is to stop that. Stop trying to have him be your god. And Bob, why don't you be his man? And then you let him be the principal. You be the agent.

He's the director. You're the guy who shows up and say, how can I help? He is the father. You are the child. It's a whole different position.

It's the position of someone who surrendered. It is the position of someone who gets it that they will fail managing their own life. That I cannot rest happiness and satisfaction out of this world by managing well. I had to quit playing God simply because of the great reality is that it does not work. If it worked, I would be up here trying to do a seminar on how you can better play God.

If it were. Or if managing your own life in sobriety worked and you could rest happiness and satisfaction out of being out of managing well, there would be seminars in Alcoholics Anonymous of how you can be better managed. The problem is you're not trying hard enough. AA doesn't say that. AA says stop it.

AA doesn't the the big difference between Alcoholics Anonymous and a lot of therapy and self help. Self help wants to teach you how to better manage your own life, how to better control your own life. AA says, step away from your life, please. Step away from your life. You've done enough of that.

Thank you. Don't do that. It hurts too much. Leave your life alone. Go over here.

Work these steps. Make these amends. Try to trust God. Let him have your life. Leave your life alone.

Go over here. Help his kids and let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. And the end result is everything I ever tried to rest, all the happiness and satisfaction I tried to rest out of life through managing well seems to come to us. If I will just remove myself from the driver's seat, if I will just go over here clear up the wreckage of my past, help God's kids, and let the happiness and satisfaction come to me.

It flows in the river and it's I'm the guy that it's flow happiness and satisfaction is flowing right by me because I'm frantically trying to swim upstream because I'm sure it's up here and I miss it, it's just going by, it's going by. In my efforts to run the show. When we sincerely top of 63, when we sincerely took such a position, and that's the position of step 3, all sorts of remarkable things followed. And these are the 3rd step promises, Tremendous promises. Every action step in Alcoholics Anonymous is is presented in 3 parts.

It's presented in the what you could think of as the predisposition to taking the action, and that's what we just talked about. If you get it that you're the failure at running your own life, if you get it that you cannot rest happiness and satisfaction out of this world by managing well, if you can get it inside you that selfishness, self centeredness is the root of your trouble, if you can get it how you invariably cause yourself harm by making decisions based on self and people retaliate, if you can get everything that we talked about, then there's some action that's required and the action is to take this position of turning your will and your life over the care of God. That's the action. And if you take this action, if you take this position, here's what happens. And there it says they're remarkable things.

They are. We had a new employer being all powerful. He provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well. That is a tremendous promise for self and worried about himself continually. That if I can just do 2 things, all of my needs will be provided for.

If I need not to be alone, I don't have to worry about it. I have to try to make myself not alone. It'll be taken care of. If I need, whatever I need will be taken care of. I can do 2 things, if I can stay close to him and perform his work well.

And I think that just a matters that I just it is my job to try to put some energy into a contact with God. That every day is the day where I will turn my consciousness towards him. Now, some days I turn my consciousness towards him, I will get up in the morning and I will get down on my knees and I will pray, and I'm praying to the air. And other days, I get down on my knees and I feel connected, and it doesn't make any difference. The the the thing that's important is that I make the effort to continually focus myself in that direction whether I feel it or not.

Because I think that in the the reality of the spirit is that the spirit has movements just like the seasons of the year. And there are times when I'll be taking the action and there's nothing wrong with my program, and I'll feel like it's winter time, I'll feel everything shut down and desolate and barren, and my conscious contact is really not very conscious except that I keep turning my consciousness towards him. I'm taking the action, but I don't feel connected. And then there are other times when I just I feel so connected, I wanna get a tent, a tambourine. You know what I mean?

I just like I feel plugged in, hooked up. And I tell you, it doesn't matter. I think the worst times are when I feel like I need the temp the tambourine. That's the most dangerous time for me, and the important thing is whether I feel plugged in or I don't feel plugged in. I do 2 things every day.

I try to stay close to him, I just keep taking the action of turning my consciousness towards him whether I feel connected or not, and I to be to to be in AA to to finally get it after reading this book, and being around here for a while that that really comes down to one thing and one thing only, It's helping his kids. I have been divinely crafted to be of service to people who are exactly like me and suffer from alcoholism like me. I couldn't I can't Not that I can't be helpful in a church. I can be helpful in a church. But I am not as divinely crafted to be of service there as I am with a bunch of drunks who have all who are dying from alcoholism like I was dying from alcoholism.

What in that light my whole life makes sense. Why I've been through all that? Why I felt like that? Why I struggle with that stuff? Why?

It all makes sense in that light. There's a usefulness that comes out of that and there's a rightness to that that must be surely God's will for me. And if you read this book over and over again, it talks every time it's a problem, no matter what's going on, it says stuff like, and then we turned our attention to who we could help. It's always about how other centeredness. It's always in God's will for me, any vision of God's will that involves making me better and involve it's all about me is not a vision of God's will.

It's another self delusion. Because it's it's another self centered deal. God's will for me is to clean house so I can be more effective and help his kids. And the great promise is if you do that, Bob, you'll never need for anything again the rest of your life. In the process of doing that, we will fill your holes.

Your holes will become filled. And I'll tell you something that I will talk about this in step 12, those of us that are lucky enough to stay in AA and make the amends and then go sponsoring people and throw ourselves in the 12 step work, discover the juice, discover that sense that comes from helping others, that there's a magic that comes when I'm with a guy, I've listened to a 5th Step, or I've spent the whole evening with a guy that's dying of alcoholism and he can't imagine living without without it and I'm sharing my experience with him. And all of a sudden everything I went through has become useful to him. And I will come out of that and I will come out of that in love with him, wanting him to find everything I found here. And at moments like that I feel inside me truly the way I always imagined I would feel if I had enough love and material stuff.

I have finally in moments like that am happy and satisfied because I am fulfilling my primary purpose. I am at right with myself and right with right with god's universe. And it is not as a result of resting nothing from nothing, it's as a result of performing his work. Result of caring of doing what I made a decision to do in step 3, in the 3rd step prayer. We're gonna talk about that shortly.

1st promise. Great promise. 2nd promise. Established on such a footing, we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. That's a tremendous promise for a person that is that is labored under the bondage of self concern.

That I could eventually, that I will be less and less interested in myself? Seems hard to believe, really. And I'll tell you what what my experience has been. It's it's not that I've become unself centered or lost my inclination for self involvement. I have not.

But what is really and truly happened to me over the years as I've enmeshed myself in this process of helping others in step 12, my life has evolved into the type of life that is full of other people that I care about. And so, I'll tell you what most of my days are like, I set the alarm in the morning to go off in the morning. It's rare that the alarm ever wakes me up, it's very rare. Usually, it's the phone And a half hour to an hour before I want to get up, the phone rings and it's one of the guys I sponsor. And maybe he just got to work and things are or he's going crazy and he's afraid of this and he's resentful and all this stuff.

And what happens is that I will come into consciousness concerned with him. And then throughout the whole day the phone will ring, I will show up at my meetings, I will see the guys I care about, and a guy who's has the natural inclination towards self involvement finds myself often spending a lot of my life in other centeredness. And that's when I'm free. That's when I'm free. And when I'm when I'm when I'm out of myself and thinking about and caring about you, it feels the way it felt in the early days of my drinking.

Because what I think what one of the the great things that alcohol did is alcohol relieved me of the bondage of self. I remember the early days of my drinking, walking into a party or with a bunch of guys and just I felt awful. Locked up alone inside of me. I got my emotions in my life right on me. And I don't fit, and I can't talk to anybody, and I'm depressed, and I'm full of anxiety, and I don't I don't like nothing.

Five shots of whiskey would get me off of me and I could come out and play. Would relieve me of the bondage of self and I could be one of you and I could I could care about you, I could listen to you. It freed me. Freed me. And so does Alcoholics Anonymous.

It frees me from the only thing the only thing I've ever need to be free from. It's not the IRS, It's me. I'm the guy that I gotta get away from. I'm the guy that gets on me until I feel trapped. I'm the guy that makes me feel like I'm locked up and that's what I gotta get free of.

More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. After a while, it's just you do service just for the joy of doing it because you get it. It takes a while, it takes a lot of years here to finally connect the dots, but when you connect the dots, that's where the good dope is. That's where the good whiskey is. It's not we don't those of us that that that spend a lot of time in 12 step calls, it's really easy to be new and think, oh, they're so altruistic.

No. That's where the good dope is. That's why we do it because that's what re gets me free of me, relieves me of the bondage of self, gets me plugged in, gets me feeling like this is good stuff here. I can't get that sitting at home in my living room. No matter how abundant it is.

I can't get that freedom there. I can only get it. You were the vehicle. You're the vehicle. I can't get it by myself.

Never could. Never could. Because that no matter what I bring into my life as a taker trying to fill up the void, no matter what I bring in there, it's not enough. It's never enough. The shine wears off of it.

Bring this in. No. That's not enough. More, more, more, more. That's never enough.

When I turn it around all the difference in the world. As we felt new power flow in, And that's what we're tapping into, we're tapping into the juice, the power. Just as I tapped into it in early drinking, in my early days of drinking when alcohol was the magic source of power, when a guy who couldn't fit with people, who couldn't socialize, who was kind of awkward verbally with people, and I get 7 or 8 shots in me and I could I I my vocabulary flowed. I could talk to people. I was connected.

I was funny. I was intuitive. I was in the zone and that's what I'm relieved of the bondage of self and sobriety. New power flows through me. I become an instrument, a vehicle as it talks about a channel as it talks about the prayer of Saint Francis.

A channel. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind. You know, peace of mind comes from not running the universe, Really? You know what? Anxiety is a byproduct of trying to run the universe.

When you run it when you're the center, it all revolves around you, and it's all your responsibility, it's all your job to rest happiness and satisfaction out of this world. It's up to you. Man, there's a whole lot of crap to worry about, I'm telling you. There's a whole world out there, people that are doing stuff, you gotta watch them. And they think stuff, you gotta watch them real careful because you don't know when they're gonna turn you don't know what they're thinking, they might turn on you any minute now.

You gotta watch them. It's overwhelming. That's why I knew people. I I heard a guy say this not too long ago. I know exactly what he meant.

I said, I said, well, how's your life now that you're sober? He looked at me. He said, it's too big. I said, yeah. I know.

It is too big, isn't it? Too big to handle, isn't it? Yeah. It's too big. It's overwhelming.

You see some guy that's sober about 2 years, hasn't surrendered yet. And you you know, he's got that look that tired. You know, is it tired running the universe and protecting and defending yourself, and trying to make things right is a tiring business. That's why guys like that you say, how you doing? Hanging in there.

This guy said to me, could not too long ago. He says I said, how's it going? He said, well, I guess it ain't bad if you don't weaken. I wanna say give up. Let go.

He can't imagine letting go. He can't imagine it. Can't imagine it. Keeps running it for a while and doesn't drink. He will imagine it.

I'm telling you. Nervous breakdown and spiritual experience. I'd say really, you know what I'm saying? Thin lines sometimes. I love this promise.

As we discovered, we could face life successfully. Powerful stuff. I couldn't face life successfully. I I was a runner. I could I the good stuff was hard for me because I didn't know how to take praise and and compliments, and it was awkward.

And the bad stuff, I couldn't take criticism. I'm the guy that if I really screw up on a job, I'm probably gonna quit or I'm gonna put the blame on somebody else or I'm gonna slough it off or make it look like it wasn't me, I can't be wrong. I can't face this stuff. And I'm very defended and I'm very I have a lot of rationalizations and justifications. I have an inability to when I screw up stand up and say, I did that.

I screwed up. I was wrong. What can I do to make it right? And that's facing life. Facing life when it's going right is not facing life, you're just on a good you're just on a winning streak.

The real test of facing life is when you've really screwed up. Can you be a stand up guy? Do you trust in God enough to stand up and realize your life's in his hands and you're just here to be of service, you're a servant. And a good servant doesn't defend nothing, a good servant tries to serve. And I screwed up master, what can I do to make it right?

What you tell me, I'll do it. What can I do to make it right? And there's a tremendous freedom in that because I'm no longer hostage to my own bad, my own mistakes, and my own bad behavior. If you can stand up and be a stand up guy then there's nothing that can happen in my life that threatens me. I can make mistakes, I make mistakes?

Yeah, I make a lot of mistakes. That ain't so bad because I'm if I don't defend them and I don't have to be right then I can be wrong. And if you're wrong it's not bad because then you get to fix it, it's good, it's good. And sometimes there's a beautiful thing to stand up and be wrong and then go make it right, that's a nice thing. It's a wonderful thing.

I always thought that I had to be perfect to be anything at all. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be able to face life successfully. I I don't run no more. I was a runner.

I could run without leaving the room. You confront me about something, I just go to the Bahamas in my head. You know what I mean? You're just going you I I just tune you out. You're like that yakety yak yak yak yak yak, you know.

Can't get to me. I've gone away. Thank you. I'll be back later. I I can stand up and listen to you and try to see where you're right because I don't have to be I don't have to be right.

As we became conscious of his presence, some days I'm real conscious of his presence, some days I just trust that he's there. I think that's normal. I think that if you're not always feel like you're plugged in, I don't think that necessarily means there's something wrong with your program. It may be that you got a resentment or a fear or something that got you back in the control seat, but if you really been clean with yourself and your sponsor and you and you and you're okay, but you don't feel plugged in, it might just be the season of your soul, the movements. I think it's it's egotistical and self centered in the extreme to assume that I'm going to be plugged in, turned on, tuned in 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I mean, I understand why I would think that way. That's why I drank. Because if I could keep the buzz going, then I would be I'd be guy I'd be the guy all the time. But it's not practical. Life's not like that.

I don't think the soul's like that. My spirit has never been like that. I'm not plugged in all the time. But I'm close to the extent that I'm trying to help others. I'm close.

I'm that's the closest I get and I try to do that often. We be we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. That promise in itself would be what would bring me to the table. I don't know about you guys, but I lived in a tremendous state of anxiety and worry. I I just worried all the time about stuff.

And if I could be free of that, that's not a bad deal for me. I'll sign up for this. Count me in. What do I gotta do if you let you I can be free of that? What do I gotta do?

I'll step up to the plate. We were reborn. We were now at step 3. Many of us said to our maker as we understood him, God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will.

Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. We thought well before taking this step, making sure we are ready that we can at last abandon ourselves utterly to him. I got down on my knees with another member of Alcoholics anonymous in early sobriety and I I said that third step prayer. And I the guy asked me that I was saying it with, if I had thought about this and I'd and I'd read this part of the book many many times, and I really thought I knew what I was doing.

And I gotta tell you, I didn't have a clue. I got down on my knees and I said that prayer and, the next 8, 10 months, so what probably good part of a year of my life was insane, was crazy. I had stuff happening to me that just I was in anxiety and fear all the time. One One of the things that happened is I lost my job, and this was not just a job this was a career, and I could not get a job in that field again. I every single door was closed to me.

Every single door. I was working as a substance abuse counselor at a rehab and I lost that job and I put this I had a great resume I put together and I put it out. Every every helping agency in Nevada, I even sent some out of state and I could not get another job in that field. And I'm unemployed and I'm I'm I'm scared to death, I'm afraid I'm gonna lose everything, I'm afraid I'm gonna be homeless. My roommate moves out, gets married, moves out.

Now, I have an apartment that I can barely afford my half for the rent when I'm employed. Now I have the whole rent and no job. My girlfriend who I've who I'm dating and and it's kind of enthralled with dumps me for somebody else. Goes out with some starts going out with some other guys. And at the same time, I I started going through these emotional upheavals that were crazy.

I think had made no sense. I would just be sitting there having a cup of coffee watching some cowboy movie or some crazy thing nothing to do with me really, just nonsense and just start sobbing. As if emotions that were were coming out of me that were 20 years old. I don't know where they're coming from. I went to my sponsor, I said, I I this is awful.

I I am getting worse here. I should have never done that 3rd step. This is really awful. I'm I'm getting worse here. He said, you're right on track.

I thought, for what? A train wreck? What are you talking? It's awful. And you see when I said that, when I got down on my knees and I said that prayer out loud in front of another guy, in front of God, I think God took that what I was saying more seriously than I did.

Because I said to him point blank, I said, God, I offer myself to you for you to build with me and to do with me as you will. And I was like a burnt out abandoned building. In order to rehab it, you've got to start tearing crap out. And he started tearing crap out. The problem with him tearing it out is he never gave me this the the diagram.

He never gave me the plan. If he'd have called me up and said, oh, by the way, Bob, this is God. We're gonna have to get you out of that job because it's a dead end job. Most alcoholics that work in the recovery get stuck and stagnant in there. We wanna get you out of that job because we want you to have to be forced out of desperation to take another job over here for minimum wage, which will result in you getting a chance to buy into that company, which will result in someday you'll have a $10,000,000 a year business.

If, Bob, would this plan be okay for you? I just say, well, yeah, God. Heck, yeah. Sure. Sign me up.

He didn't say that. Didn't know. Just start taking stuff, building with me, doing with me. He just said to me, God, we gotta get your roommate out of here. Guy Bob, we gotta get your roommate to leave and we gotta get him to leave because there's a guy from Florida with a couple years of sobriety that's gonna need to move to Las Vegas pretty soon, he's gonna need a place to or somebody to room with, and you and him are gonna do a lot of 12 step work together, and he's gonna help you to take he's gonna be a catalyst to take your whole program to a new level.

Would that be okay with you, Bob? Oh, yeah. You put it that way, God. Sure. Sign me up.

Gotta get this girl out of your life. Gotta get her out of her life. The guy she's gonna go with after you, they're both gonna drink together. They're both gonna drink and never come back to AA. You'll die if you stay with her.

Can we get her out of your life? Oh, yeah. Get her out, God. Sure. Take her one.

He didn't tell nothing. He didn't say nothing to me. He just started doing with me and building with me, and it took me a long time later to actually see the hand of God in my life and realize that absolutely everything that was changed or removed had to be changed and removed from my ultimate happiness, my ultimate spiritual growth, and my ultimate welfare. But I couldn't see it at the time. And people in a a just used to keep hammering me with just trust in God trust in God.

And I would say, alright. I trust in God, but he looks a little shaky today. I don't know. I was 10 and a half years probably sober before I understood everything in step 3. Early in sobriety after doing the 3rd step prayer, I started saying the 3rd step on my knees every single morning and I still do that, I did that this morning.

I get down on my knees and I say the 3rd step prayer. Now, I'm 10 and a half years sober and I've been saying this prayer every single day of my sobriety for 9 9 years something. I don't know. Over 9 years, probably close to 10 years, and I don't know what I'm saying. Now I don't know how a guy like me who fancies myself as bright and intelligent could say a prayer 360 plus days a year for almost 10 years and not know what he's saying, but I didn't.

I had no clue. And here I am, I'm a 10 and a half, I'm between almost 10 and a half, maybe all close to 11 years sober and I'm taking a guy through the steps. We get to step 3 and we're reading this part of the book and we're talking about it. And we're reading the 3rd step prayer and we're talking about it, and he says to me, he says, let me see if I got this right. He said, in the 3rd step what we're gonna do is we're we're saying to God, we're gonna God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thy will.

So we're making a decision eventually essentially, we're making a decision to head my life in the direction of making it none of my business. That's the deal. I'm gonna try to make my life none of my business. Because I am saying, for here, god, for you to build with me, do with me I'm out of the loop. It's your deal.

Not in my business anymore. He says, is that right? I said, yeah. That's right. Good.

That's it. That was my I I made I was absolutely right on the money. And then he says, you know, but we can't do that, can we? We're talking about that. Yeah.

We can't really make our life none of our business. How do you stop worrying about yourself when that's all you ever do is worry about yourself? How do you stop being self concerned when that's your basic nature? So I ask God to do something. I ask him to relieve me of the bondage of self because I am shackled.

I am hostage. I am a prisoner of my own self involvement. I'm a hostage. So I'm asking him to relieve me of the bondage of self so that I may better do his will. Because the reality is if God does not relieve me of some of this bondage of self, how am I gonna make my life none of my business?

How am I gonna become other centered when I am self concerned? And then the last part is the part I didn't have a clue on. I I didn't get it. I just didn't get I don't know why this new guy taught me what it was. It says take away my difficulties.

I thought I knew what that meant. I had oh, yeah. Take away my and I got a list, god. Yeah. Yeah.

I gotta take away my difficult, But it says it what it says is this, take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help with thy power, thy love and thy way of life. Trying to make our life none of our business since we can't do that, we're asking God to relieve us to the bondage of self so we can do that. And if he'll do that, if he'll take away these difficulties with the bondage of self, we're doing all of that just so we could help other people. And I and he said that and I I thought, oh my god. That's it.

It's not about me. So to to take away these difficulties with the only thing I really have, difficulty with the bondage of self. If you will take away my difficulties with the bondage of self for one reason and one reason only, so that victory over them would bear witness to those I would help of his power, my power, his love, and his way of life. Because with later it tells us that we will have entered the world of the spirit. We will be on a different plane and I finally got it at 10 and a half years sober, almost 11 years sober.

That Alcoholics Anonymous is not, even though people try to make it, was not and never will be a self help program. It is not a self help program. It is a program of self abandonment and service. The great reality of my life is I cannot fix me and I must give up trying. So I give up.

I leave my life alone. I pray that God will relieve me of the bondage of self. I take the inventory that the things inside me, the judgments, the resentments, where I've been wrong about my parents, all the things that keep me on the defensive and trying to be right. The things that the fears that keep me locked up inside myself with the death grip on my life that I can't let go of because I gotta control it. The relationships that make me feel bad about myself, that may that the things I've done to gratify myself at other people's expense that I walk away from and I and my spirit has been diminished.

That I clear away the things that keep me locked up inside of me for one reason, one reason only. So I can be useful because in the usefulness, in the service, in helping God's kids, do I get the juice? That I get the juice. Why don't we break for lunch? Why don't we say the Lord's prayer?