The Legacy Group in Fort Worth, TX

My name is John Allred, and I am an alcoholic. Do you a little nervous when I went here? Yeah. Well, serenity tester. I do that.

I like getting out out there on that freeway, you know, and find one of those cars with the easy does it bumper sticker. And come on. You find out real quick which step they're working when you do that. I think most of them work in step 1 because I'll flash one finger at you when you do it. Yeah.

I, I'm glad to be here. Last week, we talked about the, the problem really. Step 1 identifies the problem. That we're alcohol and can't manage our own lives. And, if I buy into the concept that alcoholism is a disease, you know, disease done, has symptoms, can be treated but not cured, if I buy into that whole disease concept of alcoholism, then what my alcoholic mind tells me is that a, it's got none to offer.

Okay? Because if it's a disease, then my mind tells me I need, you know, I need professional help. I need professional, medical, psychological help. Now, I'm busy. I can't go to meetings every day.

Busy guy. And, in fact, in fact, if I was gonna design the perfect treatment program for the disease of alcoholism, I'd probably do something like, maybe, a 10 day treatment program. I can do a couple of 2 day follow ups if we can even do that. It'd have to be medically supervised, not just talk. And, of course, it'd have to have number 1 success rate in your recovery.

And then nobody goes number 2. And that all makes sense to my mind until you understand the nature of the disease of alcoholism. And if you're not caught like I'm an alcoholic, the book says, the only shot you got at recovery is a spiritual awakening. That's it. They don't cut you any slack on that.

You need a spiritual awakening. That means when you get to AA, you're spiritually dead. It doesn't matter whether you're a priest or a preacher, whether you teach Sunday school. You know, when you get to AA, you're spiritually dead and need a spiritual awakening. It means God's gonna be involved.

Whenever God gets involved, miracles happen. Okay? Because God works through miracles and there's no way to explain a miracle. You know? The very fact you can't explain a miracle is what makes it a miracle.

If you could explain it, it wouldn't be a miracle, would it? It's a fact we can't explain. That's why that's why you can't explain AA. You know? Because it's a miracle.

You can't explain. I mean, you don't think what would happen if Moses tried to explain his miracles. Can't see that Moses now Moses got the children of Israel. They've been held captive down in Egypt for 267 years. A lot of people didn't know that.

I know that. So Moses, the great deliverer, he's gonna take him out of Egypt back to the promised land. Right? You all saw that movie? I know you didn't read the book.

Okay. So most get the children as if they're going back to the promised land. Right? They get stopped at the Red Sea. Now they don't know how to cross the Red Sea.

They're talking about they don't know whether they're we're gonna build a boat across this thing. We're gonna walk around. How are we gonna cross this road? They don't know how to cross it. And all of a sudden, the people come running up to Moses and say, Moses, we got a major problem here.

Major problem. Pharaoh changed his mind. He's coming to get us. What what are we gonna do? And Moses says, I don't know.

He says, I'll I'll go talk to God. I don't know what God wants to do. So Moses goes, talks to God. He comes back in. He goes into his tent.

He's got his consultants in there. Now he got his consultants. He's got his medical consultants. He gotta have your psychiatric consultants. You gotta have your legal consultants.

You gotta have your engineering consultants. And, of course, you gotta have your PR guy. You gotta collect some of this on there. You got his consultants in there, and he said, okay. I've talked to God.

Here's the plan. This is incredible. I don't know how this I don't know how it's gonna work, but it's just gonna work. I'm gonna stand up on this rock, and we take the staff of Aaron. I'm gonna wave the staff over the Red Sea.

And then I don't know how it's gonna happen, but the Red Sea is just gonna part. It's gonna open up, it's gonna part like that. And I know it's under water, and I want the best part, it's gonna be dry, and then all of us gonna march through there. Now there were, okay, there were 3,736,422. A lot of people didn't know that.

All 3,000,000 of us were gonna march through that Red Sea, and then when Ferrell comes out to get us, the water's gonna fall down and drown them all. What what do you think of the plan? Can't you see those consultants sitting there? That medical consultant says, oh, god. Moses.

Don't do it. Don't do it, Moses. Moses, we get a lot of old people, a lot of old people with us. These old people, they got asthma. Okay?

I don't care if it's gonna be dry ground. You stack that water up, you make the moisture, it's gonna be humid in there. That asthma's gonna flare up. Moses, rotten pan. Don't drown Moses.

We're gonna lose a lot of those old people. Psychiatric consultant says, Moses, terrible plan. Terrible. Forget about those old people. Hell, they're gonna die anyway.

We got a lot of youngsters here. We got a lot of youngsters, these little babies here, these young kids. Do you realize the psychological trauma? You stack that water up, you force them to march through there, that water stack, and that's gonna traumatize them. That'll scar them emotionally forever.

Hell, what? Former adult children of Moses, she escaped them through the rest of their lives. And Moses is just a rotten plan. Going to trial Moses. Legal consult says Moses don't do it.

Terrible plan. Other side of the Red Sea, that's a foreign country over there. We got immigration problems. We can't do Moses. Harold Clan Moses.

The engineering guy says, Moses, rotten plan, don't drop. You know how many pounds per scrunched you start stacking that water up like that? That'll walk. Only got Moses' side, but a Galatians guy. He says, Moses, baby.

Love that plan. Love the plan. You pull that off, I can promise you 5 pages of Genesis. Why are you gonna explain a miracle? You can't explain that.

How's that work? That's why you can't explain AA. We try to explain AA, but we can't do it. I mean, those you go to work tomorrow. Those who got jobs.

That's like, did you have a good night? Oh, yeah. You had a great night, man. What'd you do? Yeah.

You know, I went to AM, NAA. Really? Yeah. Okay. I went down there.

It was really wouldn't believe it, man. The scan in there, man, he was doing real good and he had a wife and family and business going and making some money and and then he got drunk and he got alcoholism, and he got drunk, and he got in all kinds of trouble. He lost his business, lost his wife, lost his house, lived outdoors, kept breaking the law, writing hot checks, end up in the state penitentiary. God, it was great. They say, you active in that deal?

Oh, yeah. Got a sponsor and everything. Who's your sponsor? Can't tell you. Mom just spoke.

Well, I like the guy that spoke though. You know? He was doing good and then he got drunk, man. He got drunk. He lost it all.

He lost his business, lost his wife, lost his family, went to the penitentiary for 2 years, got out, never did get sober down there, kept running a lot of hot checks. Finally, ended up out in the state mental hospital in Terrell. That's my sponsor. And I listen to every word he says. Right?

Think about who you're listening to as your sponsor. Crazy. Crazy guy. I wonder if you're listening to him because you're crazier than he is. You know?

Yeah, but how's that all gonna work? You know, it does. But we know how that how that happens. You know, how we're restored to sanity. And I had a problem with step 2.

I had to go to these meetings on step 2 being restored to sanity. And I think, one of my sponsor and I said, How do you how do you take step 2? And he smoked a cigarette for a while and he said, Well, I think we found it best if you'll come to believe that a power greater than yourself will restore you the sanity. I said, okay. I know that's what the step says, but how do you take step 2?

And he smoked the cigarette for a while and he says, we really think it's best that you when you come to believe that a power greater than yourself will destroy the standard. And I said, Jesus. I'm gonna have to help this guy. Help help him help me with the steps. That's all there is to do with this.

So I said, you know, Don, I say, I was in a meeting, the step 2 meeting, discussion meeting, and this girl shared in the meeting what her sponsor had heard it. And what her sponsor had her do is her sponsor had her take a piece of paper and write down all these characteristics of the old God she had. And this old God she had was a very judgmental God, very score keeping God, very vengeful God. You know, and and, big man up in heaven keeping tabs, keeping score on you and it wasn't right. You you were way in the hole on that thing.

That's the kind of God she had. She would've done all these things, and then she took another piece of paper out and she wrote the characteristics of the new God she wanted to have. And the God she wanted to have was a very, all loving God, all powerful God, omnipotent God, all forgiving God, all merciful God. That's the kind of God she wanted. And then she had 2 gods there, she took the old God, this judgmental guy, and burned him up.

And then she had a new god. I said, do you think I should do that? And he smoked his seraph a lot. He said, well, if you got nothing to do this afternoon, it won't hurt. You know?

But he said, we really found it best, John, if you'll come to believe that a car greater than yourself will be the same. And he explained to me, said, John, see what they've done, when you read these steps, just read the dark spots. There ain't nothing between the lines. We've looked at the black light and everything, ain't nothing between the lines. And that step 2 is just the first step where it talks about faith.

And I said, what's faith? And I said, faith is a strong belief. And he said, yeah, that's one definition He said, Yeah. That's one definition of faith. But let's use that definition in in the carpenter's big book.

And in that book, it says that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I said, okay. Okay. And he says, what does that mean? I said, I don't have a clue what that means.

And he says, the substance of things hoped for. If you'll come did you ever see an ad in the newspaper for Sears? And it says, come and save. Yeah. If you go down to Sears on that particular day in that department or the ad was and you just asked me down the shop.

What you doing out here? They say, well, they got an ad going to sell them. I came to save. Step 2 is an invitation for you to come to AA, to believe in a power greater than yourself that restores your descending. So if you'll come to AA and sit your butt in that chair, the first thing that will happen is you'll start to hear things you hope are true.

Subsidy things hoped for. People will share stuff, what God did for them, what happened, how they got here. You're like, man, I hope that's true. Because if God can do it for men, maybe you can do it for me. Substance thinks hope for you.

Here are things you hope are true. Stick around long enough to see evidence that they are. See, we're all evidence of a higher power. Think what we get to see every day. How do we get here, man?

We we crawl in here. Nothing. Bankrupt in every department. No place to live, no car, no job, nobody likes us. Nothing.

Just bankrupt in every department. Now, what happens? Well, we don't drink, we come into meetings, and pretty soon things start to work out. You know, evidence of things not so I can see God working in your life a lot easier than I can see him working in my life. I don't see him doing much in my life at all, but I see him working in your life.

Very short time. This guy comes in with nothing, man. He got no place to live or anything. And then and then a few months, man, his whole life starts to get put back together just because he's doing the things in this program that we're taught to do. Evidence of things not seen.

So I've never seen God, but I see evidence in you that he exists. Substance thinks hope for evidence of things not seen. And say, what happens when you don't go to meetings? You ever do that? Yeah.

Yeah. I haven't been in a meeting for a while. You're crazy, man. You got all kinds of problems going on. You call your sponsor just nuts.

You know? And he said, I need to talk to you. And the sponsor says, okay. I'll meet you at the meeting. We'll talk after the meeting.

Okay. Great. So come up to the meeting. Have a meeting after the meeting. Sponsor says, so what's going on?

Not in line. Well, you know, you're calling me. You were crazy. Oh, yeah. I don't know.

It's gonna work out. You know? What happened? You're okay. You know?

You quit going to meetings, you just go nuts. Go to meetings, you're okay. And we don't know what happens in here. We don't have a clue what goes on in here, but it always happens. Even the old timers don't know what goes on in here.

You know, but I'll you ever see that those old timers are sitting you're sitting around newcomers meeting, and and this newcomers share weeks over. And he's he's crying all torn up. He says, a week ago, a week ago tonight, I was in a hot tub, 5 necked women. All the booze I could drink. Now some old timer chimes in and says, you never have to live like that again.

See, we got a buck for you here. And the newcomer says, oh, thank god. How's that work? What happens with that? We don't know what happens.

Even after the meeting, you don't know what happened in the meeting. You ever you're you're going home from the meeting. You had a great meeting. You're going home. You get there.

You stop it on the way home. Get Coke or something. Get gas. You go into the little store there and someone's from the meet the group in there. Went at the meeting.

They said, hey, did you go to the meeting? Oh, yeah, man. It's a great meeting. It was a great you missed a great meeting. You should have been this great.

Really? What what did they talk about? God, it's a great meeting. You just missed a good meeting. You should have been there.

Who spoke? You should have been there. It was a good meeting. Great meeting. Something happens in here.

We don't know what it is, but it happens. And you don't go to meetings, what happens? You go you don't go to meetings for a while, what do you do? You go nuts. Go to a meeting, you're okay.

You restore to sanity. So this this stuff isn't real complicated. You want to take step 2, just go to meeting every day. You know? And you restore to sanity because it builds your faith because you see you hear things you hope are true, you see evidence that they are, which is the foundation of faith, which is what step 2 is all about.

And so I was going to read it every single day. And I'm not reading on about them, going to these meetings, I'm working on steps with my sponsor. And took step 3 on my knees with my sponsor and turned my will and my life over to the care of God. And it was a great it it it was a good time. It wasn't I don't recall it as being a earth shaking monumental experience in my life.

But I do remember as I as I kneel down there, there were 3 little little things that, I knew God wasn't interested These weren't big things, they were just little things. One thing, I knew God is not interested in money. God doesn't care how much money you got because he loves the rich and the poor. Right? He's not he's no respecter of that.

So if if God's not interested in money, I'll manage my money. And, the other thing was God's not interested in employment. My mind told me that. I never asked him, but does God care where you work? I just figured it out.

Okay. Because God loves the he loves the bank president and the ditch digger. Right? He doesn't care about that as long as his honors work. So if God didn't worry about employment, I'll I'll manage my employment.

And and the last one was that I knew God wasn't as God wasn't interested in, relationships. I just threw that in there because I figured God's probably not interested in the same kind of date I'm interested in. Now, the real sad thing about what my mind just did to me when I took that third step is that whenever I call my sponsor, just crazy over the edge, just in a lot of pain, the source of that pain has always come from one of 3 areas. And it's always money, employment, or women. Okay?

And those are the 3 things I didn't turn over because I'm gonna tell you this thing. You know? In fact, if you haven't figured that out, from now on, after you've taken the 3rd step, you're only gonna after you get sober, you're only gonna have 2 problems the rest of your life. And I see they're gonna involve money or it's gonna involve relationships. That's it.

And I can't figure that out, employment and money are real, you know, real closely related. Yeah. Because if you got a job, you're okay. If you don't, you're kinda screwed. So get a job, you know.

Then, let's just get a job. And, in fact, I had to call my sponsor up and it take me an hour to get around the problem. I'd beat around the bush, you know, and finally get to the problem and before I could discuss it. So he said, we're gonna color code your problem. So when when you call up, I'm gonna say, what color is it?

You tell me, that'll save us a whole bunch of problems. Oh, save us an hour of your beating around the bush. So I had 2 colors. It is pink or green. It's either a pink problem or a green problem.

And, a lot of times the green really affects the pink. I mean, it really, really affects. So I'm in I'm living in Reno, Nevada and, I manage my my employment by not working. I'm not working. I'm just playing poker for a living.

And I'm managing my money the best I can to do while I do all that, so I have enough money to play poker. And, I've been sober about 3 months, and, I fell in love with poker. And this was the real deal too, guys. This is a small beautiful gown. Beautiful gal.

Picked her up in a bar. Well, the book says, you know, check your motors before you go there. And if you have reason to go, it's okay to go. And I had reason to go. And, she's a beautiful gal.

She was not an alcoholic to my knowledge. She was a hypochondriac. And, you know, they're a lot like alcoholics. They really are. But instead of going to the bar at night, they like to go to the hospital.

I don't know what the attraction is in the hospital. That's where they like to go. You know? Because here we are, we're taking a scan out of the hospital. We're taking them to the hospital.

Every every night, we're taking her to the hospital. Finally, we're down to the hospital and the nurse comes out. She's got a big thick file. And she said, Val is very, very sick. I said, well, thank god.

We've been down here every night for 2 weeks trying to find out what's wrong with this gal. I'm a she wrote over a file with her. This gal had 17 operations. You know what I'm I'm you know what I'm I'm said? My mind said, this is great.

This is great. I mean, think about that. I I'm an alcoholic. I have a real disease. She just thinks she's sick.

This will be really good. I'll get real active and alcoholics anonymous. She can get active in hypochondriacs anonymous and we'll just get well together. You know, that's that's what we do. You know, we get these sick people together in AA.

We're getting all together here. We love each other, support each other, and we kinda just lift each other and get well together. This will be just wonderful, you know. Sick relationships, Painful relationship. Oh, hurt.

Hurt. And I didn't really even mind her, 5 kids. Okay? Because it wasn't that bad because she didn't have she didn't have custody of all 5. Okay?

She had 3 boys and 2 girls. They took all the boys away from her because she beat them up. You know, she was like, and then and then I I got a little concerned when I found out she'd been on 60 minutes about this child abuse thing, but I didn't, you know, she's it was the real deal. I loved her. I just loved her.

And I my sponsor kept trying to explain to me, you know, that, 2 dinglings don't make a bell. And we moved in together on the 3rd date. And and I and I called my my sponsor up, talked to him about it, and it was just painful, painful relationship. He said, leave. I said, I can't leave.

I can't I love her, Don. I love her. You don't know I love her. She's a damn old. I love her.

I'm not gonna leave her in a time of need. I love her. You know? You know what love is. You know?

He said, you you can't leave. She can't leave. You ever know she can't leave a sick deal? You cannot leave a sick relationship. You can't?

That's why it's sick, by the way. He said, you can't leave us. I can't leave, Don. I love her. You got a car?

Yes. I have a car. So back your car up, open the trunk, put your shit in. Go. I can't, Don.

Can't leave it, Don. Oh, god. A sick relationship. Painful. I should drink.

It'd be a lot of people just to drink. I'm sober 11 months, and I'm I'm managing my employment by not working, just playing poker. I manage my money so I can go play poker best I can to save my money. And I'm involved in a sick relationship with this hypochondriac. And, I'm sober 11 months ago.

I'm gonna give me give me a year chip in another month. And she kicked me out. She wasn't as sick as I thought. She was, what is she? What happened was I lost all my money, you know?

Okay. There you go. That a green problem, that's the pink. You know, I'm done. And, so I had no more money.

She kicked me out. I mean, I didn't have any money. And I slept in my car that night. Got it the next day, went in to see my sponsor at the at inner group and, tell him that I lost all my money, man. Don't have any money.

The house kicked me out, scooped him a car that night. And last night, he smokes a cigarette. He said, thank God. I said, Don, wait a minute. This isn't this isn't just a little cash flow crunch you're talking about.

Okay? They gotta wait till payday again. I get then I get a paycheck. I'll be okay. I said, I got no money.

You know? And he said, thank God. You've been walking in like a hot shot, John, for 11 months. Okay? Now, you get to find your source.

It's gonna take care of you the rest of your life. And I call that source God. This will be great. Okay. What am I supposed to do?

He said, well, the first thing you're gonna do is you're gonna practice the 7th tradition in your own life. I I've only been here 11 months. I didn't know what the 7th tradition was. I said, what what's the 7th tradition? He said, well, you're gonna be self supporting through your own contributions.

They find out that help. I said, you got to be kidding. He said, no. She don't borrow any money. Then I wanna hear about you're borrowing $20 from an You borrow $20 from an aide, then you go get a new sponsor.

That's not your source. You don't borrow any money from your mom. In fact, I don't want you calling your mom. You call your mom, she'll cry, you'll cry. She'll send you some money, may kill you.

Okay? So you need to talk to her. You tell me, I'll call her for you. You go to your sponsor and say, will you call my mommy? No.

You're not gonna do that. So he says, you need to get a job and be self supported through your own contributions. And the next thing is, although you're a bum, it is not god's will that you look like a bum. You're gonna start to look and act like what you are, which is one of God's kids. So I had to shave every day.

I sleep in my car, and I get up in the morning, I walk down to the Shell station, and I would shave and take a little sponge band. And then I washed my clothes out out of 1 the day before and put them in the back seat of the car to dry, and I put my I had 2 outfits that rotated every other day. And I had to wear a little tie, because I'm supposed to go out and look for work. And I said, what kind of work am I gonna do? And he said, what do you remember the last real job you had?

And I said, yeah. Here's what you do. I said, well, I sold insurance and I sold real estate and I sold equity and equities and stuff like that. He said, well, then you go to insurance companies and you go to the real estate companies and you go to the banks and the more and more and apply for a job. Bad deal.

Don't do that. If you're new, don't do that. You gotta be bonded to do any of that. And they and they got these big forms they want you to fill out. Ask you a lot of questions.

You know, none of their business. You know? They wanna know, like, stuff like that first question, address. They find no human license, but you put a license plate down there, they don't know what that is. M d 237.

Where's that? You know, they just don't they just don't they don't understand that at all. It's gotta be bonded. It's just a bad deal. You know what I mean?

This was in 82, 1982 in Reno. The economy was totally depressed in the country and it just shut down 2 casinos to make some money for you in downtown Nevada, Reno, Nevada. For 750 people out of work and there's a lot of people in small town. And, there weren't a lot of jobs rent. And, I applied I go I was looking for work, you know?

And I went to my sponsor. I'm going to this all the time. I said, I can't find a job, you know. And I feel shitty. And he said, well, then go get a shitty job.

So I went to be I applied to be a cook's helper. That's just a short form to fill out. They just wanna know your name, basically. They can pronounce it and then or then it's a lot better about it, you know. And I've gone in on my little tie, clean shaven, got filled and get my little card.

He looks and he say, Johnny, he said, you know, sorry, but, you know, I hire you. You're only gonna be here for a couple weeks till you find a better job, and then you're out of here. I gotta replace you. He He said, I got wait. I had this little we have a lot of Laotian refugees in the h two that coming in and is hang on.

This guy and and then speak English. She'll be here forever. Why don't I replace it? I'd I'd say, well, I'm I'm thinking more like a career in the kitchen. Learning everything about the kitchen, working my way up from the knob couldn't get a job, couldn't find a job.

And I used to walk on the casinos. I got another £135 because I wasn't eating very much. I wasn't eating at all, you know. And so I walk on the casinos, up and down rows and rows of slot machines. And back then, when they were coin operated, now they're not coin operated.

I don't have to starve to death now. But but back then, and they put the coins in there and people would hit a jackpot. The coins would fall down and they'd scoop up their winnings and run off the cash in at the cash register and they'd accidentally leave a quarter or dime in the bottom of the slot machine tray. You can walk up and down the road and there's a slot machine, you can find money in the bottom of the slot machine trays. And I walk up and down the road and all the phone, you make about $2 doing that.

You know, it it'll take 18 hours, but you can you can you can find a couple bucks a day doing that. I mean, if you got nothing else to do, it's warm, you know. Lady owned a bar, 751 bars on South Virginia Street. She was in AA, but she couldn't get sober. She kept getting drunk.

But she let me save my life because she let me come into her bar on Friday, and I'd sweep out her bar, getting ready for the weekend, and straighten up her liquor closet, and she'd feed me lunch and pay me $5, which I put in gas in my car. And, that was the only meal I was guaranteed I was gonna eat that week. And I was at last I get in a £135 and, and it wouldn't work. Yeah. I had my my first my I celebrated my first birthday and none of my clothes fit because I'd lost so much weight that that my sponsor said, you're going to that meeting in your pajamas because all my they were all packed.

Yeah. And he said, yeah. You gotta get some weight on you. And I said, finally, let me get a job first. Okay?

And it just it wasn't working. I've done AAs because now I have to do AA and there I am. I'm over a year sober, and I'm living in my car. I got no job. I got no place to live.

I've got no money. I'm a £135, and I'm and I'm walking the streets looking for out of slot machines. You know? And, I was afraid. I gotta be afraid.

Now at times, I wanted to commit suicide, but I got very depressed about it. And other times, I'd be afraid I was gonna die. You know, nothing to say about that, is it? And that would be like in a within a split second, I'd be wanting to commit suicide, and I think, man, I'm gonna die. And I think that I didn't mind dying.

The fear I had of dying was that nobody would know. And they would find because I I would die in my car. This is how I picture my mind. We're gonna I'm gonna die in my car and rigor mortis will sit in there, and I'll be crunched up in my car, and they'll say, here's a guy dead in his car. And they'll pull out my and I had a driver's license then, but I didn't have any family or address in Reno, Nevada.

Who they gonna notify? They won't know who to notify, so they'll just bury me in poppers field and, and no one will know I'm dead. I told my sponsor that fear and he said, so you're afraid if you die, no one will know who to notify? I said, yeah. How do you know who to notify?

And he said, I I I can solve that problem. And he reached to his desk, pulled out a piece of paper, and he wrote, In case of emergency, call. He said, What's your mom's name? I told him he wrote down there in her phone number and him his name and his phone number. And he followed it up and he gave it to me.

He said, now put that in your wallet. Now if you die, you're not gonna call. I feel a whole lot better about it, you know. I carried that with me for 4 years in case I don't know. He said, dad, you don't know who to call, you know.

He said, dad, call Betty Joe, you know. But it just wasn't working. I'd go to these meetings, and I'd see other guys get sober, and their and their lives fell together. Some of them got back with their wives. I couldn't believe it.

My sponsor told me, he said, you know, I I can't promise you'll get a lot of people coming in and wanting to get their wives back. And he says, I don't know if that'll happen. I said, but I'll tell you one thing. So we got a lot of guys in here that are married and they keep screwing up. They didn't get one of theirs.

But they're getting back with their wives and they got play they get jobs, and they got places to live. And I'm living in my car. I'm I'm going on 14, 15 months sober. I'm living in my car and nothing's working out. And it gets to be November, and it gets cold.

It snows in the in Reno in November. And it's sub zero. And I and my nose is running. I'm £135, and I think, I'm gonna get I'm gonna get a cold. And then in just a minute, it'll be pneumonia because they had no resistance, you know?

And, and I'm gonna die. And I went out to state hospital, I got my big book. Friday night, I'm out there and, there's gratitude meeting. Every meeting in November's gratitude meeting. Right?

So I'm out there in in November's gratitude meeting and I'm crying. And, a couple of guys had told me, they said, now, John, because the point of happened that day, let me see what happened that day. You're not as crying. It's because I had had a ray of hope. My sponsor had told me, he said, I don't know how to live under the bridge.

And so he explained to me that we can't help somebody do something we haven't done. You know? So he said, you're not to go down to the dryer's club at 10 o'clock in the morning with all those other guys that are unemployed and ask them how to get a job because they don't know. You know, or they'd go get one. And so I can only talk to 3 people about my problem.

I could talk to my sponsor about my problems. I could talk to my sponsor's sponsor about my problem, or I could talk to his sponsor, which is PT about about my problem. Those are the few guys I could talk about my problem. And he said that AA is not a dumping ground for your problems. You know, when you go to the meeting, they got a topic they're discussing, you share on that topic.

If you got no experience, you pass. We don't come in there and I don't want to come in and hear about you whining in crime because you don't have a job and you have nothing to eat and and beyond the pity pot. That's not what we do in AA. K. We're solution oriented.

We're not gonna be a dumping ground for your misery. And, he did tell me this on, Thursday. He said, now tomorrow, today's Thursday going to the men's stag. He said, back there and ask to talk to somebody after the meeting that slipped under the bridge. And have them tell you how to live under there because I don't know how to live under there.

Maybe they can help you. So in that meeting, it got to me, and I just said I gotta pass. But after meeting, I wanna talk to some guys who lived under the bridge because I don't know how to live under there. I'm gonna I'm in trouble. And they had their meeting and after meetings good question.

A lot of guys came up to me. And they said, man, it's easy. All you gotta do is go ahead and sell your blood. For back then, we got $7 for selling our blood. You get $7 for it and, the blood plasma center.

And then go over to the social security office and apply for food stamps and get you can give me some emergency emergency food stamps right then. And then you can sell those on the street. You can buy food if you want to, but we all sell them on the street. And, how do you have $20 by tomorrow night? I spoke silent, I couldn't sleep.

So I'd park around the corner from the blood plasma, said, I'm gonna be the 1st guy in line with the blood plasma. I was actually 3rd. There were 2 guys up on the steps. And, so I'm the 3rd guy. And when I get in there and, sell my blood, They wouldn't take my blood.

You gotta have 2 forms of ID, and one of them has to have a picture. They wanna know whose brother they're getting. And and it's real tough now. And in 'eighty two, that was before AIDS and 'eighty two, so it wasn't all of them now. It's real tough.

But back then, they wanted two forms of ID, one of them had to have a picture. And I had a I had a driver's license, but it didn't have a picture on it. It was it was a special driver's license. It set right on it, special driver's license. They only give it to special people.

Allows them to drive during special hours. No picture on my special. So they said, we can't take your blood. If I went to Scourge, I'd go to the Social Security office to sell my blood. They wouldn't take or or or get get my food stamps.

They wouldn't they wouldn't give me food stamps. Okay? See, they they want you to have your social security card. I knew my number, but it lasted a while a long time ago. I was drunk and didn't have have the card.

And I said, well, I know the number. What do I need the card for? They said, you need the card. I said, well, how do I get a card? They said, fill this out.

We'll mail you a duplicate. Right. You're gonna mail me a duplicate. How long does that take? He said, 6 weeks.

It's gonna dead in 6 weeks, you know. I'll tell you, you just you gotta be prepared to live under the bridge. You just can't go move out under the bridge. You gotta have driver's license, ID, you know, full security. You gotta have that stuff live under the bridge.

I'm prepared now. If I gotta go, I can go. I can go to the scene. I was very depressed over that whole thing. So I'm after that that evening, I'm after the state hospital.

I'm crying, but my hope had just been dashed. I'm gonna die in my car. And I'm just and I cried all meeting, and the and the gratitude meeting that time, they called me to share. And I was grateful that night for some stuff I'd never even thought about. I was grateful for, I was grateful.

I didn't grow up in an alcoholic environment. I'd heard sitting on these tables hearing some of the stories y'all tell about what y'all went through as kids, and I go through a lot of that. I was grateful for that. I was grateful that when when I got divorced, when I had a little custody battle for my children, I was grateful that the judge gave custody to my ex wife. Very great.

I mean, feet what would have happened if I had got custody of those kids? When I can't take care of me, I'm gonna take care of them. I'm living in my car. Very grateful for that. I was grateful for the stuff I never thought about.

And after me, I'm getting ready to leave leave leave the meeting, and here comes Confer. Son coming. Confer was old money. Lots of family a lot of old time family money. Son come over to see me.

I thought it was about time. You know? He's probably so impressed with me. He's gonna make me a job offer right now. He can't put his arm around me.