The Legacy Group in Fort Worth, TX

My name is John Allred, and I am an alcoholic. John. Great. Bill, how long have you all been over here now? 6 6 months?

This is the 3rd I think it's the 3rd, you know, location that I've that I've done the steps out with legacy. You know, that back when you're over I don't know where that was. Yeah. And then the other the old one there and now this is so it's a and it just keeps getting this is big. You know?

You're able to pay the bill at this place? Happy birthday. Thank you. That's great. Congratulations to you on your desired chapter.

Yeah. That's the first one you've ever got? It is? This first time today? Wow.

Did you go to treatment? Yeah. Got your sponsor yet? Maybe we can help you out in the meeting. I'm like you.

You know, I, I'm I'm glad to be here, man. I appreciate Ed and Paul, and they've stayed in touch with me. And and Paul's been a dear dear friend and for a lot for 8 years, I guess. And, I was looking for I only do the steps, maybe 3 or 4 times a year now. And, and I do them a legacy because I I just it just means a lot to me to do my legacy.

And I don't do them at all in my home group. I won't do that anymore in my home group. But, because I you know, I speak there a lot, but in fact, I'll be doing their down at Preston. We got our anniversary coming up this year. I'll be speaking on it for anniversary, but I love I love legacy and I love I got a lot of friends on that legacy and it's just a great group.

And I hope you never take legacy for granted because it can go away, you know. It can be I've actually had great groups that I that I went to that are no longer around. In fact, the biggest shock, you probably remember that, some of you may remember it. Dallas had a big, a big gay conventions called Lone Star Roundup for a lot for 20, 30 years. They had 4,000 people attend that thing at one time.

4000 people is one of the largest conventions in in the United States. And, it it no longer exists. It's gone. They discontinued it about 2 or 3 years ago. So you can't ever take this stuff for granted.

You can't ever think that AA is always gonna be there. That's why we gotta stay active. That's why you gotta get in the service. You gotta participate in the group, clean ashtrays, do the deal. And, and that's the only way you can ensure that if the group doesn't stay here, at least you will.

You know, that's the important thing. And I wish I wish that, I did a better because I don't I don't do all that great, you know. I wish I did, but I don't know anybody that does, you know. I really don't. Yeah.

I love that meeting after the meeting when you're out having coffee and you're trying to help another alcoholic who's usually not there. You know? And you're just trying to help him out a little bit, you know, trying to talk about him a little bit. Now, somebody that everybody says right there would say, oh, yeah. I know that guy.

That guy, he talks the talk, but he can't walk the walk. Right? Who are we kidding? None of us can walk the walk. I mean, if I could walk the walk, I wouldn't need to come to AA.

I come to AA because I can't walk the walk. That's what I'm doing here. Yeah. I think that's what the book says, doesn't it? When we get through reading the 12 steps, what does it say?

It says, what an order. Can't go through with it. Don't be discouraged. No one. They don't exclude anybody in this job.

They don't exclude Bill Wilson. They don't exclude John Allred. They don't exclude doctor Bob. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. So nobody can do this deal.

Yet those of us who can't do it like that, but the rest of you, they Probably, we're not around to talk about it, you know. And I I grew up in a very non alcoholic environment. Nobody in my family I'm a an adult child of non alcoholics. And that's a bitch, you know. Because I ain't nobody to blame.

Nobody in my family drinks. My dad doesn't drink. My mom doesn't drink. Sisters don't drink. Brother doesn't drink.

I didn't drink at all. I grew up in a very normal environment, very middle income America type stuff. You know? Nobody drank. Went to college, so I just supposed to never rank in high school and then rank in college.

Went to college? I may have had 1 or 2 beers the whole time I was in college. It wasn't a big deal. And, got married my senior year like you're supposed to. Got out, got out of college, went into the insurance business, like city.

Things are pretty good. I scared death. I don't know what I was afraid of. But I go in the office in the morning, sir, can I give you these little pink messages? I said, what are these?

She said, those are your those are your phone messages. Who who from? I don't know. I said, what do you think they want? She guess they wanna buy some insurance.

You know. I mean, phones are scary. I I mean, I really I like to have a phone. I like to make phone calls, but I hate it when they call me. And the phone ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring.

Who is it? Who's calling me? And when you're drinking, it's really bad. I'm gonna tell you. You young athletes, you have no idea.

You have no idea the stark tear of having a telephone with no caller ID. Well, that'll scare the hell out of me. And that phone ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Who's calling? And it seems we find out answering machines so you can screen your calls.

Right? Screen that call. And on those things, it's old technology now, but they had you could pick it up at 1 ring or at 3 rings or 5 rings, you know. I was putting that first ring. I want I wanna know right off the bat who is that con again.

Pick up one ring and the only problem with that is is that when they wouldn't leave a message, just hang up. Then you gotta walk around the rest of thinking, who called me? Oh, that's terrible. And you come home and that light would be flashing at you, you know, little blinking at you. The only thing worse than having that light blink at you is having it not blink at all.

Meaning, nobody called me. And then when they did call you and you went over to hit that button and hang up because son of a bitch who called me and wouldn't even leave their message on that, you know. Then we got that caller ID and I'm gonna have a real it was a miracle, man, a car. I want you all that technology, answering services and caller IDs that all that stuff was invented by alcoholics for alcoholics. It felt like a lot easier.

I ran to a buddy, Stuart. Stuart rank. And Stuart rank in the bar. And so I was hanging out with Stuart. I started hanging out in the bar.

And I drink Coke. I'd run out of the bar of Stuart, hanging out with Stuart, and drink Coke. I love the bar. God, I love everything about the bar. And I like all kind of I like dark, dingy, smelly bars.

I love those bars, you know. I like I like cowboy bars. A lot of sawdust on the floor and peanuts around, you know. I love those cowboy. I like those New York fern bars, you know, a lot of brass and glass, everything's shiny.

I love those New York fern bars. I like biker bars. I I like to wear a suit to biker bars. You do that, no one messes with you in a biker bar. You walk in there in a suit, they think cops are here.

I've never been in a bar I didn't like. I just like bars, you know. Sitting down at the bar, You mean you wanna be in a bar? Anything you wanna be, you can go be in a bar. We're gonna have the bar.

I'm drinking Coca Cola. Stuart's drinking whatever he drinks. We get down to the bar and and we get some woman over the table and they say, what what do you do? Well, I like to do a lot of stuff. You know?

Sometimes sometimes I retire. I'm retired. Really? Yeah. 24 2024 year old retiree.

So you must have made a lot of money, sure did. That's why I drive a Toyota. Sometimes I love to be the mystery guy where you don't really tell him what you do. It's what do you do? Nothing.

What do you mean nothing? You had to do something. What do you do? You don't work? Yeah.

I work. What do you do? Look, I can't talk about it. Okay? Just forget.

I can't talk about it. Okay. Let's just say one thing and then we gotta drop it. I'm just gonna tell you this. Let's just say I work for the government.

Okay? Alright, one more thing and then we gotta quit. If I leave you real quick, you better come after me because there's some shit going down here tonight. That's honestly I love to be that guy. Love to be that.

By the way, I'm doing all that soul ranch for drinking. Yeah. Because it never was good enough for me to be John already insurance agent. One good night. I had to be John already somebody else.

And it really didn't matter what that something else was as long as there's something other than what I really was. I had to be something other than what I was, doing something with what I was doing. And then I was okay. But I couldn't it wasn't okay to be John already insurance agent. I'd be John already somebody else.

And finally, when my second child was born, Stuart called me and congratulated me. He said, we're out drinking tonight. You're gonna celebrate. I'm buying. You're getting drunk.

Gotta get drunk. And I thought, yeah. I'll do that. I can do that. So we got to this private club.

You gotta be a member of a private club in Utah doing drinking. We got this private club, it's called the winery. Right across the salt palace. Walked down these steps, walked in there, lights flashing, live band, music going. Had a great drunk.

I don't wanna drink. Some people know what they drink the first drink. I don't know. But they'd bring a drink over because people buying me drinks. They're bringing drinks dark, dark drink.

Got a cherry in it. I drink it down. Next week, somebody buy me, got a it's light, light colored drink, got a twist around it. I drink it down. Some guy bought me a drink, had salt around it.

Drink it down. What are they bound now I'm drinking? You know, I had a great drunk. God, it was good. Danced.

I wanna tell you, I get a few drinks, I can dance. Dance with 2 lesbians. Okay. They're out there dancing together, you know. And I thought, they probably want me to join.

So I got to join them, and then they left together, even though there I was alone. But there's some, no rejection. When you're drunk, you're just drunk. You don't reject, you're just drunk. Sat down, drank that next drink, sit in front of me.

You got up the next morning, no hangover. I really felt pretty good. I wasn't a little tired. It wasn't bad. You know?

I called Stewart. I said, Stewart, I had a ball. He said, you did. You flat got after it. And I said, let me ask you something, Stuart.

You didn't give it you're gonna have a drink tonight? He said, I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. I'm probably gonna stop and have one. I said, what time?

He said, John, I gotta work till 3 o'clock. I can't get out of here any sooner than 3. I said, well, we meet at 3:30. So meeting at 3:30, got drunk again. You know?

So I drink to get drunk. That's what I do. I get drunk. I never drank socially. I never got that cocktail or that glass of wine and, you know, visited and talked at the bar and sipped on it and sat down and had a 1 or 2 and went home.

That's not the way I drink. I like to drink to get drunk. In fact, 3 weeks after that first drink, I remember pulling in front of the liquor store at 10 in the morning because they open at 10. So I'm on time. K?

Bulk liquor store, go into liquor store and buy 3 little mini bottles of vodka. I don't know why I did mini bottles, but the those candy bottles in the airplane, you know? I threw those little mini bottles because they told me you can't smell mini bottles. Or you can't you can't you can't you can't smell vodka. I buy vodka.

So you can't smell vodka. So I buy those 2 little mini bottles of vodka, I crack those lids open, I'd set those mini bottles down. That's hard. Holding that big enough little ball. You get a hernia sucking on those puppies, you know.

You rip away. And then I'd be okay to go to work. And, and my life's changing. I mean, it's changing immediately. And I'm getting all kinds of trouble.

In fact, it really take me off because the the mothers were just getting mad about drunk drivers. And they were getting organized. We got a man present in charge of that organization now. Man present in charge of Moms Against Drunk Drivers. And, they were organizing and they're putting out a lot of newspaper articles about drunk drivers.

When I heard this newspaper article, it said only 1 in 2,000 drunk drivers gets picked up for DWI. 1 in 2000. I read that and I thought, that's pretty good odds. 1 in 2000. If I get drunk every single night, I've got like 5, 6 years if I need to worry about getting picked up for DWI.

I've been drinking 6 months, not even 1 year. 6 months, I get my first DWI. So what are the odds of that? And then I thought about that. You know, this is pretty good though because this means I can, like, for the next next 11, 12 years before I get my next DWI.

It was just bad. People started telling me I got drinking problem. They start telling me I got a drinking problem. And then and then they start telling me I'm alcoholic. Soon as they tell you you're an alcoholic, you got a problem because there's no correct response to that accusation.

You can't say when they say you're alcoholic, John. You can't say I'm not. Because then they say, cut. See? Denial.

That's the first clue. The first clue of alcoholism is denial. You got denial. There you go. You're alcoholic.

You can't say, yeah, you're probably right. You know, because then you gotta go to AA. So you can't agree or disagree. You just kinda sit there and look at them like you're crazy, you know. Just nuts.

I asked Stuart. I said, Stuart, do you think I'm alcoholic? And and, and he says, well, I don't know. Do you do you like the way alcohol tastes? I said, no.

He said, well, then you're not alcoholic. I said, thank God for that piece of information. He explained to me he explained to me that alcoholics like the way it taste. That's why they drink it. He said, if you start to like the way it taste, you'd probably be alcoholic now.

I'll keep an eye on that. He said, let's see. An alcoholic. I said, well, what's an alcoholic? And what is that?

How do you know you're an alcoholic? What's an alcoholic? And it's, don't get offensive, John. It's a disease. Okay.

Great. Then let's go to the doctor. Let's get a proper diagnosis of this disease. We we really can't do that. Well, how do you know you're an alcoholic?

I mean, can't we go do a blood analysis? No? Well, how do you know you're alcoholic? What's an alcoholic? Can we go do like a CAT scan or MRI for this disease?

No? Well, how do you know you're alcoholic? Oh, yeah. Here's the deal. Y'all want me to quit drinking.

Okay? What happens 20 years from now? I'll find out I'm not alcoholic. I've been told 20 years I could have been drinking. I don't wanna take that kind of risk.

I'm not I'm not gonna take that kind of risk. So, So, if I say, well, you drink too much. So, as I told them, I drank too much, I know I'm not alcoholic. Because I never drank too much in my life. In fact, I'll tell you a secret.

There's not an alcoholic in this room that ever drank too much. It's impossible to do that. Can't do it. See, I am an alcoholic, but not because I drank too much. I'm an alcoholic because I couldn't drink enough.

You ever drink enough? I can see somebody from this room. You go to the the bar, have a couple of cocktails. Bartender says, you give another cocktail? Oh, golly.

Let's see. It's Thursday. Tomorrow's Friday. I got one more day of work. Can't be late.

I think I've had enough. Never had enough. You know? I go to the bar at noon. You ever get there at noon?

Start drinking at noon. Now, midnight. Been drinking the same damn bar for 12 hours. Right? I'm drunk.

Hell, I know I'm talking about it. Steward. God, I'm drunk. He says, me too. Can I buy another drink?

See? Hadn't had enough. Well, if you can't drink enough, it's impossible to drink too much. Won't happen. See, normal drinkers can drink enough.

And so occasionally, but not very often, they might drink too much. But if you're not like like, I'm not like you can't drink enough, they'll drink too much. That's why they don't understand it. And that's what I understand now. That's why when they say, well, just quit.

Get that little buzz and quit. It's not enough. You're gonna know? Just ain't enough. They'll never understand that because they can drink and thank God they don't.

So I don't have to go through what what you and I have gone through, you know. So I give you that test. They said, okay. Here we got this little test. Too many questions.

We're gonna give you this test. Okay? In fact, I am so good at lying. I don't know I'm lying. That's a good liar I am.

I don't even know I'm a a lot of people call that deny. But I don't know I'm lying. You know? They say, does alcohol charge you problems at home? No.

I got problems at home. Alco has had nothing to do with it. It's philosophical. Philosophical problem. Should've talked about it before we got married, but we didn't.

We just got married. My wife thought that when you get married, she wanted to be married, you know, like, 7 days a week. I'm peeing all week long. She won't even I don't like to be married that way. I kinda you gotta be married Monday through Friday.

Okay? Separate Friday, party all weekend, go home Monday. That's kinda what I wanna she don't wanna be married that way. She wanna be married even on the weekend. Bad deal.

Does alcohol cause you problems at work? No. Now, I got problems at work. But I guess I got nothing to do with that. Again, it's philosophical.

My boss thought that when you work for him, he wanted you to work during the day. I mean, all day long. I'm a night person. Much more effective at night than I am during the day. Bad problem.

Because alcohol cause you legal problems. No? Now I got a lot of legal problems, but I've got nothing to do with it. I don't know what I've done to upset them, but the police were pissed. Okay?

Because when they see me, they arrest me. I mean, I can be doing nothing wrong. If a cop sees me, I go to jail. They ever seen you ever seen, like, persecution. That's what it was.

They I don't know what I did. They had my they had my picture and license plate on every cop car in Salt Lake City. Because when a cop drives by, I go to jail. Afternoon, I'm walking. I'm not driving.

I'm walking. So there's no DWI here. I'm walking down the street. Cop drove by. I went to jail.

Alright. It was 3:30 in the morning. But it's a free country. You got to be able to walk down any street in this country at 3:30 in the morning if you wanted. I went to jail.

Alright. I didn't have a shirt on. You can walk down the streets of this country with that shirt at 3 o'clock in the morning. It's not a crime. Okay.

There's a bad rainstorm. Rain, I'm walking in 3:30 with no shirt. It's legal to do that. You can do that. Don't do that.

I asked the cop why he stopped. Okay? I had a gas in my head. I had blood run down my head. K.

That was not my fault. I'd been in a cab just prior to that. I told the cab driver, stop. I wanna get up. That that did not stop quick enough.

I jumped out of that moving cab, hit my head on the ground ripped my shirt. That's why I took my shirt. I ripped my shirt up. I had blood running down my head with the gas and there. The cops said, I thought you got rolled, you know.

Stopped. Found out who I was, arrested me, You know, I'm in lockup. I had a real problem. I had a timing problem. Lada, alcohol has got timing problem.

And the problem with the timing problem is you don't know whether your timing's off because you're, too running too fast or you're running too slow. So you don't know whether to speed up or slow down. I mean, I'd get arrested and I'd think, damn. You know, what is that like? One one minute.

Just one minute. If I'd been 1 minute sooner, that cop would not have been at that intersection. I've been through the intersection. He would not have seen me and I've been okay. And then I think, well, maybe I should have been 1 minute later.

It had been later. Just a then he'd have been through the intersection before I got there and would have been okay. Just so, you don't know whether you're too fast or so, I mean, I'm sitting at the bar and I think I wonder if it's time for me to go. Just time these off your time. If I get the time down, it's a bad bad deal, you know.

Finally, I had my real problem. Utah is at a high altitude. Okay? Y'all see those Winter Olympics a couple years ago? You know, it's in the mountains.

It's it's it's in the mountains. High in the mountains. It's scientific fact. People who live at high altitudes for prolonged periods of time have thinner blood than people live at low altitudes. That's true.

I saw that on the Discovery Channel. I believe in Utah my whole life, I got to have thin blood. You go out and you party hard on thin blood, you have a problem. What I need to do is get to sea level. Picking up my blood, and I'll be okay.

I called a buddy who lives in Seattle at sea level, tell me about these problems I got. He said, demon, you creepers. Why don't you take a year off come up here instead of me and Gail, kind of put your life back together? I said, Man, I don't want to pose on you and Gail. Five kids.

She says, No, I'm positioned. So I said, I'll be there Tuesday. Move to Seattle. I don't really do anything in Seattle. I just do a little drinking, working on sticking on my blood.

And when you're in that kind of condition, the next logical thing you wanna do hell, you're gonna wanna gamble. You know, best time to gamble is when you're unemployed. That's all I was doing. So I I started playing poker. It was legal up there then.

I had little poker houses and and I thought, I'm just gonna run down there and play in Nevada. We're in a hotshot and a high pride. Me wanna be where the real action is. So from that, who am I kidding? I'm just gonna move to Nevada.

That's lower than sea level. You get thick blood down there, you know. So I ran down there and found out in Las Vegas. Hot. Hot Las Vegas.

Ended up in Reno, Tahoe area. Wasn't doing anything, just doing a little drinking, working on playing poker, working on thickening my blood. And, buddy of mine invited me to come back Salt Lake for a weekend, party 1 weekend. Shouldn't have gone. Doing real good in Reno.

I go to Salt Lake. We're not in this place called the One More Time Club. It was a great club. Ernie owned that club. And, I found her.

She's sitting at the bar waiting. She they're always at the bar waiting for me. And, I don't know how they know I'm coming, but they're there waiting for me. I had fell in love. I wanna take her out on Saturday.

She couldn't have got Saturday or Sunday. I had to stay till Monday. I'm supposed to go home Sunday. Should've gone home Sunday. Stayed till Monday to take this gal out.

We're gonna stay Monday. That Monday was October 6th. So it's just right here. And 20 24 years ago today, 1981. And we got to this bar and, it was a bad date.

You know, you got a bad date when you invite them to go to dinner and then they really wanna eat. Because I never eat when I drink, you know. Who puts out a fire you just started, you know. So she's eating and I'm drinking. But I'm a gentleman, so every time I order me a whiskey or her glass of wine.

Well, the woman ain't keeping up. She's busy. Her wine's stacking up, you know. Now to keep her being embarrassed, I gotta drink my whiskey and drink her wine. It was just a bad day.

And she she finally finally said, take me home, and I wanna take her home. She's no fun at all that night. So I took her home and dropped her off and over 10:30 at night. Knocked on price. I'm staying at prices.

He opens the door. She says, I thought you had a date. I said, that damn woman. So I walked walked in there. I had a gallon of wine.

She said said she liked wine, so I bought a gallon. You know? And, we went in there and and we drank that wine all night. And I said, now tomorrow night, Tuesday, October 7, 1981, we're gonna hit this town one more time and then I I gotta get out of here. This half of the drink will get me in trouble.

So we got Tuesday. We started the Joker Club. Joker Club won a private club. It was just a 32 beer bar. No no hard liquor.

Just 32 beer. I'll be honest with the Joker Club. It was a topless joint. What a very fancy topless list joint. John Cook had one dancer in the whole bar.

Whole bar. And you had to come to appreciate her. I mean, it was just sad, it was just sad deal. And, but she's the only dancer there, you know. So she's got all eyes on her.

It was wonderful. And, So we we we decided to go see the fashion show at the Hilton. It's a one of the fashion show. And I remember the fashion, then I blacked out. I blacked out a lot.

I black out probably every time I drink, but then how do you know? Well, I black out a lot. And some blacked out is real scary, some aren't too bad. K? There are two factors that determine how scary a blackout is.

The first factor is how long are you blacked out. The longer you're blacked out, the more scary they are. K? And the second factor is, what are you doing when you come out of your blackout? That determines how scary that thing is, you know?

And, I wasn't blacked out that long, but I came out of my blackout at the worst time. Without a doubt, the worst time to come out of a blackout is when you're talking to the cops. Because you don't have a clue where you are in the conversation. You know? You don't have a clue.

And you can't say, no. What are we doing here? You can't say that. You know? So you gotta kinda figure out without asking what do they want, what I've already confessed to, what have I admitted, what have I already given them.

You know? And you gotta figure out all all out of that. You can't ask. You know. And I finally figured out they want them a driver's license.

Well, I didn't have that's the they've taken that 3 d w DWIs earlier. And, so I'm telling him, miss, I I appreciate you stopping me. I'm gonna leave my car parked here. I'm going over there. That's where I'm going.

I'm going right over there. And in fact, I'm about to use my driver's licenses right over there. I'm gonna go over there and I'll pick up my car tomorrow. He would not let me go over there. And finally, ran my life's effect on who it was, arrested me, and I'm in lockup.

And this time, they're really upset because I can't even bond out. See, I knew the system. No matter what you're arrested for, you plead not guilty. Right? No matter what.

Not guilty. And then you go to the OR. And if you go to the OR, get on your OR. You may have to post a small bond, $50. The biggest bond back in the seventies I ever posted is $50.

And, go to the other person, post the bond, get out, and they can set a court date, you get you an attorney, and then you start that postponing process. Right? Postpone. Postpone. Postpone.

Postponed. But you're you're hoping the cop dies. That's what you're dealing with. Mine never did. They always showed up, you know.

And so when finally, when the attorney says, Okay. No more postponing. Tomorrow, we go to court. You're gonna be sure the day before court, move. You know, I I never I just moved.

I never go to court. I just moved. And so I had all this failure to appear, warrants out. And, they said, no one letting you out. You don't come back.

You're going to court. So I'm gonna lock up, can't get out. Don't like lock up. Don't like nothing about lock up. Fly out, can't get out.

Finally, a buddy of my name is Stan. Stan is not an AA. Don't know anything about alcoholism or alcoholics anonymous, but Stan was a dear friend. Had a lot of money. Know a lot of people.

And so, like, he had some influence. So he comes to me and he's Stan, he says, I've talked to some friends and, I can get you out on one condition. The release you into my custody. And the only way I'll do that is if you promise me you go to treatment, if you're sick and you need help. I said, Stan, bless you.

You are so right. I mean, I don't wanna get drunk down there. I go down to the bar and I get drunk. I get in all kinds of trouble. I guess I'm alcoholic.

I need help. But I can't get any in here. Jesus, I'll get you out of jail. So I got out of jail. Now, I had no intention of not drinking.

I didn't wanna quit. I'm not gonna quit. I'm just getting out of jail. And I'll do or say anything to get out of jail. So I had to stay with Stan that night.

I mean, he was cussed. Stayed with Stan. Yep. The next morning, he throws me in yellow pages. So you don't know where you wanna go, but you gotta go to treatment.

So I'm looking at yellow pages. Back in 81, they had a lot of treatment centers. And I found this treatment center, called this place, and I said, I need to come in for a little treatment. The guy says, do you have any insurance? I said, no.

Had to work for 3 and a half years. I don't have any insurance. And she said, well, it's it's like $12,000 back in 81. I said, I don't wanna stay all year. You know?

I couldn't believe it. They want there was one place. They wanted $18,000. I saw pressure. I said, honey, listen.

If I had $18,000, I wouldn't need your goddamn treatment. Couldn't believe it. Good night. I need to come in for a treatment. And she's okay.

And I said, you need to know something. I don't have any insurance. Is it? She said, okay. I said, well, how much is it?

And she says, well, she's a salesperson. I said, can you give me benefits first? So she says, well, you bring chicken, you get room, board, and therapy. We got 2 kinds of therapies. You got individual therapy and group therapies.

And you get both of those. And we, it's 6 it's $9 a day. Check-in and we apply for food stamps, script the food stamps to the bill. And then we get some state aid. So if you work around here, we pay you about 50 a day.

Or you could apply that to the biller, we'll pay you in cash and buy cigarettes. Cigarettes for buck a quarter or pack back than a cigarette machine. I couldn't wouldn't see. Couldn't believe it. I said, how?

How long is your waiting list? So there's other places that wanted 12, 18,000. They had 30 to 6 day waiting list just to get in. I said, how long is your waiting list? She said, well, we have bed for you tonight.

I don't need to come tonight. I come on. She says, Ivy gotta come tonight. I said, now think about this. They got bargain rates, $9 a day, room board therapy.

They can't fill their beds. Their high crush media didn't come in. I'm the consumer here. I got my rights. I said, honey, listen.

You make my reservation for Saturday or just forget the whole damn deal. You know? So she did. She made her for Saturday. I didn't drink, hung out with Stan.

Saturday came. I drove down there, parked in the parking lot of that place. I sat in the parking lot all day watching them go in there. And I wanted to see what kind of person goes to a $9 a day jitter joints, you know. And those guys going in there, you know what?

They were alcoholics. You could tell looking at that guy. I wonder he's going there. Look at that guy. He's an alcoholic.

I've never seen one. They didn't look like an alcoholic. Y'all don't look like alcoholics. Those guys going in that joint look like they needed to go in that joint, you know. And I wasn't an alcoholic, but it fit my budget, so I checked in.

And nothing happened on Saturday. I just got a whole bunch of papers, Got my room. Nice place. Clean place. New place.

Sunday came. Had my first exposure to God clock's on. Did you guys come outside? Come in. They'd shared this meeting.

We sat around lunch tables at that lunch room. 36 of us, all men, sat around these lunch tables. And, these 2 guys talked for a long time, didn't listen to a thing they said. Because I'm busy watching everybody else. I'm trying to figure out how you do AA.

Because I'm a real chameleon, you know. I'm gonna go somewhere and watch how they act, how they behave, what kind of language they're using, and then I'm gonna fit. I'm gonna blend when we do that. And so I'm watching everybody else. And nobody wanted to be there.

They're just smoking serious drinking coffee right in get through that meeting. And these 2 guys talked they got through talking, they start down the rows. There's an open discussion meeting. These guys are gonna share. 1st guy introduced himself, said, My name's Joe B.

I'm an alcoholic. I'll pass. So, yeah, I said, my name's Jim S. I'm an alcoholic. I'll pass.

Hell, I cut on real quick. What they do in AA, they give their first name, last initial, admit to the group you're alcoholic, and then pass. There's something magical about admitting to the group. If you admit you're not going to like this group, it's just magic, you know? You're just like, take that burden on the baptism off your shoulder sir.

That must be the deal because they had it written on the wall, admitted your power over alcohol. So it got to me. I did it right. My name is John a. I'm an alcoholic.

Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Oh, well, I guess I'm not alcoholic. You know? And if I do have a little bit of alcoholism in me, alcohol is not on this.

Must be for really simple minded people, if that's the program. You know? Now it's disturbed perception of AA. That was my perception of alcoholics. No.

It ain't for me. Besides, I'm not out there anyway. Somebody's calling me. Next day, I got me with my counselor, Dale. Lovely lady on Monday, met Dale.

She came in. Gotta have a hour of personal consultation with my counselor. She want me to stay 2 months. 2 months. I said, Dale, Dale, Dale, Dale, Dale.

I've been here all weekend. Okay? I've been talking to these guys. They told me they're alcoholics. I have no reason to death.

Yeah. They look like they probably are alcoholics. You know? They told me how that 1st month, you're gonna break me down. You're gonna get me to be open and honest.

I said, I've always been open and honest. I saved a month right there. Never a problem. I just can't stay too much. I'm busy.

She said, you're busy? I said, yes. I'm busy. She looks through her papers. She goes up and she says, now, where were you working?

Well, I'm not working, but I'm busy. Isn't that true about alchoholics? Alcoholics are the most busy, unemployed people you ever meet in your life. Come to the meeting tomorrow. Come to the meeting tomorrow.

The guy's unemployed. He's got nothing to do but get to the meeting and he's late. And you say, where have you been? Hell, I've been busy. They don't know what we do, but we're busy doing it.

So I said, I'll give you 2 weeks because, see, I'm not gonna quit drinking. I don't tell anybody this. But I just I'm just doing treatment time. I figured treatment time is better than jail time. You know?

So I said, I'm gonna give you 2 weeks. So you give me whatever material you're gonna study during that 2 month period. I'll read ahead. You give me some pop pop quizzes if you want. Because 2 weeks, I'm out of here.

So she doesn't know that though. If I said, well, better hurry with you. She said, damn much better hurry than me. And I'm like, Tuesday, I go to group therapy. Love group.

Group is a lot of fun. Wednesday is alcoholic education seminar. I'm showing a movie. Well, I'm not impressed with movies about drug addiction and alcoholism. They're boring to me.

Even today, they're boring. So I'm sitting there, all my ego, all my pride, all my content prepared not to like this movie. And the name of the movie they're showing is I'll quit tomorrow. So I'm sitting there watching this movie, tore me up. I related to everything in that movie.

I mean, it's like they've made a movie of my life and they were showing up to the group. I didn't everything that guy did. I talked the way he talked. I acted the way he acted. I dressed the way he dressed.

I I drank. I drank the way he drank. I did everything that guy did. I related to everything in that movie. It's just like they made a movie in my life and they're showing it to the group.

And I knew the gig was up. That was my moment of clarity when I knew the gig was up. What happened to me that night is I quit looking for that definition. What's an alcoholic? How do you know you're alcoholic?

Later, I found out in AA, we don't have a definition of an alcoholic. I couldn't define an alcoholic for you tonight. All we have in AA is a description. So you can't argue with the description. You can argue with the definition.

That's why, man, that's why Webster's got 10 definitions for every word. Right? But you can't argue with the description. The most powerful tool God has given to the alcoholic's nomads is our description of the alcoholic. Because it's that description is the alcoholic relates to it.

There seems to have the power to literally strip everything that separates the alcoholic from himself. And I could see me that night like I've never seen me. I could see me that night like my mom saw me. I could see me that night like my ex wife saw me. As I related that gang in the movie.