Mary Pearl T. from North Little Rock, AR speaking the Alaskan Inside Passage Cruise

And we'll start this morning with tradition 9. A family or relationship should be pliable in its organization, but our group conscience may appoint certain persons responsible to serve various functions. Okay. An atmosphere of acceptance and freedom are wonderful in which to live. However, there is some daily work.

You know, it's like going to the meetings, you know. If you just show up and then go away, there's a lot of work that has to go on behind the scenes there. And the same thing true that I could be this way. True in a home. You know, growth is done individually not as a unit.

Unfortunately. And everybody does it at their own pace. But when you're living together with someone else you've got to come up with a set of mutually agreed upon guidelines for acceptable conduct. You know, for your relationship as well as responsibility for items and day to day living. You know, it just works better that way.

And somehow or another I got the idea that men do certain things and women do certain things. I think we sort of were raised like that in my generation. You know, and there's certain things that men are supposed to do that I enjoy doing. There's other stuff I don't wanna do. You know that kind of a deal.

So we made up the guidelines first for the acceptable conduct. And these are ours. Yours will probably be different, you know, but this is what we agreed on. And the first one was God is the head of our household. God is to have an active role in our home and the decisions made in the relationship.

This was something we never even considered prior to coming into the program. You know, you know, it was like, it wasn't love at first sight. Sort of shock at first sight. Being as how I had taken JD's brother home from a party at my house where he had gotten drunk. And his brother was underage.

And so I knew that he would probably get picked up by the law, tell him where he got booze. That would be Roger Speed. And then I would be in trouble for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. So I drove this boy home and he had a china tea set in his, truck to give to his mother because it was around Mother's Day. And so it was in the wee hours of the morning and I'm escorting a drunken 18 year old kid into his home and, he flips the light on in his bedroom and there's this man laying there with nothing but a pair of jockey shorts on and he looks up and goes, well hot damn little brother you brought us abroad home.

Well that was JD. And that was how we met. Little strange, isn't it? You know, you know, it seems strange and bizarre to me now, but it didn't at the time. Because bizarre was an everyday way of life.

You know, today I look at that and think, you know, that is pretty strange, you know. But, iceberg anyway. A little bit of something icy floating past, you know. So it never occurred to us, you know, to to have any, kind of healthy relationship. What made a healthy relationship?

We didn't know. He had been divorced for a couple of years, and and here I had been separated for a while, had forgot I was still married. And, we got together. I mean, that was as simple as it was. You know, I don't recommend that.

That's not a very spiritual basis for a relationship, but that was how it was. And so that is our first guideline. And the second one in our home is no alcohol or drugs on the premises. Now we're talking about the bad kind of drugs you know. Certainly you can have your prescription medication that is prescribed by your normal, sane doctor.

You know, if you're taking massive doses of something you might want to look at that. But no matter, you know, we we found that there is no need for those things to be in our house anymore. The things that we used to do that weren't good for us. And then the next one was really important it's called no infidelity. This was a major problem.

It was a problem for me in my first relationship. I was happy, too joyous and free. I think you could have called it loose. And, but what goes around comes around. And, you know that's another thing.

It's really important because I had done that, because I had been an adulteress, and because I had judged myself when JD would be out drinking and he would take to the lower companion, I accepted that unacceptable behavior because I felt like, oh well, I deserved that because look what I had done. See? You you have a tendency to accept things, you know, when you don't feel good about yourself. And because I didn't, I accepted that. But we determined that our relationship wasn't gonna go too far if we had that.

So that was one of ours. Then we had this next one has changed over the years. It started out no expenditures over $50 without prior discussion and agreement. You can't even go out and eat hardly anymore, you know. You know?

So we have had to up that. You know? It's like a couple of $100. Don't get carried away and spend a lot of money that we are gonna have to come up with at some point down the road. And in all honesty, I was the major offender of this rule.

JD was not one to do that. He knew I'd kill him. And see there's the thing, it was okay for me to do it but it wasn't okay for JD to do it. You know, because my judgment was so much better than JD So were my bills They were so much higher than JD's This next one is no obligations or commitments for each other without prior agreement. Now this was a real difficult thing.

I don't know why it was, but somebody would say, Would y'all like to come over for dinner? And I'd say, Sure. And then I'd go home and tell him where we were gonna go at what time. And it never occurred to me that that was rude. I mean, we just went.

And I said, well, what what was I supposed to tell them? And my sponsor said you could say, I would love to come but I need to check and see if JD's gonna be available. Oh. Well, see that never occurred to me. You know, I thought with that you just answered for one another.

You know. And so when I started doing but see then what would happen is I would come home and I'd say we're supposed to be over so and so's place at such and such a time and he says I don't want to go. Well, you have to go. Well, why do I have to go? Because I said you'd be there.

Well, then you can just said I'm not being there, you know. And then we would get in there and don't humiliate me. Don't embarrass me. In other words, let me rob you of your choice but I don't want to have to pay a consequence for it. You know, that kind of a thing.

And so I I had to get over doing that. And what was so funny on that is, JD made the mistake one time of coming in and telling me that, they were having a potluck over at the a group and that he had signed me up for brownies. I said you did what? He said, I told him you'd make brownies. I said, uh-uh.

Uh-uh. I said, no. No. You say you made a decision for me, you didn't say I'll see if Mirafold will make brownies, you just it looks like you're gonna make brownies JD. And he said, you know I don't cook.

I don't make brownies. I don't make anything. I said, well, then you're gonna have to find a way to get brownies over there. And so he kept waiting thinking, you know how I would always say I wasn't gonna do something and then you know how at the last minute rather than to see it screwed up you cave in, you know? You know?

And so you go ahead and you do it, but you martyr about it, you know, that kind of thing. Well, after all, I did at the last minute for you. And I determined I wasn't wasn't gonna do it. You know, when you make these changes and you do something different, it it you it it's hard. And so JD said, Well, what am I gonna do?

And I said, I don't know. And so he determined he would go to the store and get some brownie mix and he came back and you know the hardest thing was to let him alone in the kitchen with the brownie mix. Because I wanted to go in there and show him what pan, how to mix, the whole thing. You know, it's like I didn't want to make them but I didn't want him screwing up the kitchen either. You know one of those but he made the brownies and he was so proud so he can add that to his repertoire of hot dogs, turnip greens, and brownies.

I mean you can see we're in for great food at our house. The next little guideline we have is personal privacy and quiet time. It's real important to have your own individual space. To be able to do, you know, it's like say JD has tendency to be talkative early in the morning. I'm not, I like to be quiet early in the morning.

I'm not a good riser, you know, I just don't like he does. And so I I you know it's like I stay and be quiet, you know, in the mornings. And so he can get up and do whatever he needs to. And then usually he's gone to work, then I can get up and do what I need to do in the quiet. It's like I really don't want to hear conversation until I've been up for a couple hours.

It's just hard for me. Then special time for each other and we call it date night and we started off with 1 night a week. Now we have a couple, sometimes 3, you know, but it's time where we give each other our undivided attention. We don't have people over, we don't schedule, check-in calls or anything like that. This is our time.

And we, you know, we can let the machine take the calls. You don't have to worry about it. And spend time where you sit down and talk to one another. Do whatever you want to do. Have fun together.

Just the 2 of you. And you know it's real funny because for a while we didn't even know what to say to one another. You know, like what do you do? I mean, you know this is because it was so foreign to us and now we're really picky about our time together. We really enjoy that.

Another guideline is that common courtesy. I like the please and I like the thank yous and and I like those kind of things. I like the requests instead of demands. Those kind of things in the home. And the autonomous action is measured by its negative effect on our relationship.

In other words, we're free to do what we want to do providing it doesn't affect the relationship adversely. This one was a good one. No dredging up of past relationships or using the past as a weapon. So many times we have a tendency to go back and whap them with the past, you know, it looks like a little hammer and just whap whap whap whap, you know, And we try not to dredge up the past because the past is gone. You know, and it's like, when something happens and like for instance if we got off to a bad start this morning you don't have to carry it through the whole day long.

You can say okay let's put that behind us now and let's move forward. In other words, let's not let that little incident ruin the rest of our good time together here. You know, it's like, I get started off on, my trip to Vancouver. Boy did I ever. With a with an upset stomach.

And, I was, almost in the bathroom of the plane when we landed in Chicago. You know, I was one of those. I ran, jumped in my seat, and the wheels touched down. And I thought, oh don't tell me and I'm going, no. I'm gonna let this go.

I'm not going to anticipate that we're going to have a rotten time just because I've got an upset stomach today. Because when I look forward to a rotten time I usually have a rotten time. You know, those kind of things. We try to apply the rules of healthy communication as outlined in the dilemma of the alcoholic marriage one of my favorite pieces of Al Anon literature. And if the IAs in here have not read it you might ought to.

It gives us 5 little guidelines here. And the first is discuss don't attack. And usually I would get to the point I would get so angry about a series of items. You know, that when I came time to talk I pounced You know, you could tell it was, the whole thing, you know We need to talk Already, you know, it's not good news. You know, I can remember my mother calling me over, and, one morning and she said, we need to have a very serious talk.

Get over here now. And hung up the phone. Intuitively, you know you're not going to like this and I didn't. And, fortunately I had called my sponsor and told her about that command and, we prayed about it. But, that was the day my mother had decided that I should not be here anymore and, tried to do me in.

So you know those things is you know don't attack people. Because when you attack people they go on the defensive. And even if they want to do what you're suggesting they won't They'll resist that because you have pounced Because then we go into this position You go into that defensive position The second is talk in a low voice This is very difficult for me Thank you. Now when I get very, very angry or talk the gridded truth, you know, and when I'm talking to gridded truth, I mean, that's just I mean I'm over the top here. You know, that's when JD says he gets a little frightened.

He thinks I'm dangerous at that point. That's true. But talk in the low voice. In our family, when I was growing up, whoever was the loudest got heard. You know, because everybody sat down at the table and everybody talked at the same time.

You know, so that that was, you know, everybody talked, nobody listened. You know, I think that was the way that was. And so it was difficult and it seemed like the more emotion that I would get, the louder my voice would become. You know? And JD would do things that, would really not help that situation.

He would say things like, why don't you tell the neighborhood? So I did. I walked out in the middle of the backyard and I said, Attention neighborhood! You know, Attention, JD is a son of a bitch! You know, I'm yelling it out.

Now JD's in the house. And I walk back in and I go, oh, because who looks like the ass here? You know. JD is nowhere to be seen. I'm out there, you know.

And JD had been sober about 5 years and then my next door neighbor said to me, your husband doesn't drink anymore, does he? And I said, well, not today. And she said, well, we haven't seen you out in the yard. You noticed it wasn't we haven't seen JD laying out in the yard. You know, but they hadn't seen the bizarre behavior coming from me.

You know, I was the one that would be sitting out in my front yard on my little bench, my front yard in my nightgown sobbing in the middle of the day. I wanted everybody to know I was in pain, But I was so horrified anybody would know. I mean that's the nuttiness of it, you know. The next thing is stick to the subject. Stick to the subject.

And it's so tempting when you've got a whole list of stuff you haven't dealt with when you go over the top to say, And not only that. Don't you hear this and hear this and pretty soon I mean it's just every little nail in the coffin Whip whip whip whip whip, you know You just nail them to it Well, we had a funny little thing Back when I was, fighting the cat And I had the the the pellet gun laying on the piano bench in the living room JD earlier in the day got stung by several wasps. He was out there doing something around the house and excited a bunch of wasps. And so he came in and he was and I said here let me give you some Benadryl. I forgot what common little things like Benadryl do to alcoholics.

You don't get the reaction that you get with normal folk. To a lot of Benadryl and I just go sleepy time, that's the end of it. JD took his Benadryl, went to the meeting, drank all the coffee Came back home mean He was in a vicious, nasty, sarcastic mood. And I'm thinking, you know, if I went to a meeting and came, like, right back there, I don't think I'd go back. You know.

I mean it's got to be better than that. What in the hell's the matter? I wasn't thinking he's had that drug. I wasn't thinking. And he wasn't thinking either.

He was just out of sorts. Now I'm sitting in my recliner reading my book and he's stomping around. He's, I'm going to bed. And I'm thinking, good. You go to your bed before you get hurt here.

And I'm saying to myself, don't say anything. Do not react. You haven't done anything, you know how you'll give yourself a little pep talk, get your mouth shut. And so we have these hanging beads in the doorway between the hall and our living room. And so I'm reading and all of a sudden I hear, thwip, thwip, thwip, thwip and there's those beads slinging against the wall.

You know. And and I just said to myself, don't say what I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Mhmm. Mhmm.

Okay. And he didn't get the reaction that he wanted. He wanted a fight. I didn't want to fight and he whips around and goes back through the beads into the bedroom and I go, made it, made it, didn't have to say anything, back to the book, read the same sentence again. Here we go, I'm getting into go the beads.

I look up and another thing. And then here he goes, flip, flip, flip, flip and goes, here's another little litany and I'm trying to get some shot. Don't move. Don't move. Don't move.

Okay. He turned around, goes back through the beads and he's in there. Read that same sentence again now. We went through this 5 or 6 times. I had enough I've had enough And so I said God if that son of a bitch comes back here with another thing, I'm gonna take that gun and I'm gonna shoot his ass as he retreats so help me.

I got the gun, I pumped it up, and I set it by my chair. And God did for JD what he couldn't do for himself, he went to sleep. You know, there is a point that you just can't go beyond and I had had it that night and I thought, you know, we got a step that takes care of you. You can make an amends, go on. You know, and just shoot him.

You know, I'd had all I could stand, you know. The next guideline is don't try to work the other person's program or tell them how. Oh, that is so difficult sometimes. That is so difficult. I, watched JD and our next door neighbor, for about a oh, a year and a half.

And JD yelled at the next door neighbor's grandson who was mowing his yard. And, the kid quit. Now the kid's in his twenties. Next door neighbor's 97. And, a very, very sweet man.

He's been a wonderful neighbor to us all these years. And, JD understood John Henry to say that his grandson would not come over and visit with him because JD had yelled at him. And so he thought John Henry was mad at him. And so when JD thinks somebody's mad at him, he stays away from that person. You know?

And so he had mentioned this time and I just try to keep my mouth shut and let that go. Let it go. Don't try to tell him how to do it. Don't have to and one morning he, was over at, Wood Street and he was talking to a sponsor. And so he was telling me about that coming home and I'm thinking, well, it's about time.

It's about time. And so later that day, I am taking some debris out to the front of our property there. And John Henry comes out to the front of his and he motions to me. And he says, I think JD is mad at me. And I said, really?

And he said, yeah. He said, you know, JD avoids me and he won't talk to me. And he said, if I've done anything, I don't know what and I said, I think you and JD need to talk about this. You know, I said, I'm out of it, you know. And, John Henry said and I said, I'm not mad at you, John Henry.

I don't have any problem. I said, God, you've been a great neighbor. So I take my little wagon back to the back and I told JD he was out there in the back. I said, John Henry, let's talk about that. About that time he came out the back door and he looked our way and I said, why don't you talk?

And then just let that go, you know. And did you know they resolved in 10 minutes a situation that had been going for a year and a half? He was not mad at JD. He agreed the kid shouldn't have thrown the grass on the yard. And what he had said was that his grandson didn't like to come over to his house and visit him because he didn't like to do stuff.

It wasn't it didn't have anything to do. And there was the misunderstanding, you know, that had gone on all that period of time. That And that's like JD will see me sometimes do stuff. And it's really hard, you know. And I know that he's reached his limit when he'll say, don't you think you ought to call your sponsor?

Now when he says that, I don't ever wanna call my sponsor now. You know, because don't you tell me to call my sponsor. Who are you to tell me to call my sponsor? He's right. I know he's right, but I don't wanna do it because he told me to do it.

So I don't mean to have to sneak to do it. I don't want him to know. Okay. The next guideline is listen to the other person's complaints. Don't make demands is the last.

You know, so many times we don't wanna listen to what the other person has to say cause while they're saying theirs, you're doing rebuttal in your head. Don't do that. Listen. Give them your undivided attention. Sometimes they have valid comments to make.

You know, and then don't make demands. Those ultimatums, don't back yourself into a corner with an ultimatum that you aren't gonna be able to live with in the long run. Because then it's real hard to back down from those positions once you have taken those. Alright. After God, our personal recovery comes first before our partner.

You know, I have to come first. My decent partner over here. I'm going to be more than a partner. I'm going to be a boss. I'm going to be in charge because that's my nature.

I'm going to be dominating. I'm going to be that way unless I have what I need to do for me in my life. And then we had to learn to get rid of the untouchables. Now the untouchables, those are those subjects that every time you try to talk about them, we hit a nerve. Everybody's got them, You know.

One of them was his family. One of them was my family. You know, I can say anything I want to about my family. He can say everything he wants to about his family. But God forbid, I should make a remark about his asshole brother.

You know. Yeah. And he's got 3 brothers, you know. So you'll wonder which one I'm talking about. Now No.

But I mean, that was the thing, you know. We could not talk about that. We would get even though he knew I was right or I knew he was right about a comment, it's like, don't say that about them. It's like, I can say it, but don't you say it. You know?

And so we those were some of the untouchables and how we got rid of that, there were other areas in our life too That we'd made a decision that when that would time would come, when that untouchable because what happened would be, we would get in a fight or you get your feelings hurt and then you'd go back to your corners. And then later down the road, guess what? Here we're out in the middle of the ring. We're fighting again over the same thing. Nothing is resolved and you go back to your corners And so you have hurt, this polyphoned hurt time after time until you have a big wound there, a big sore and when somebody scratches that sore man, you are you're at them.

And I said we've got to get those things resolved some way or another. So what we determined we would do is we sit down and we hold hands and we touch knee to knee face to face. And we sit there and we hold hands and we talk it out without letting go of the hands, looking at each other and working at and we continue to sit there until we have resolved it. Sometimes it takes a few minutes. Sometimes it takes a few hours.

But we resolve it to the point that we're gonna resolve it before we get up from here and it's not gonna be a deal anymore. And that's hard. You know, it takes it takes a lot of prayer and what have you. And we pray about it and say it's time. Let's do that.

And now we can do those things. Those things that were such bad buttons for us for a long time. We don't have that anymore in that area. But every once in a while, something else will crop up. But see, we have tools now.

We know how to handle that. Honesty and trust must be observed. I can't trust Him if I can't believe Him. You know, that's the thing. And you you know, trust is such a fragile thing.

Because you get lied to about one thing. And then all of a sudden you don't believe anything. You know, it breaks the trust. And trust is hard to rebuild. You know?

And the thing of it is, it may be a lie of omission. It may be something that you never mentioned. And why did you not mention it? He hates confrontation. He hates confrontation.

So he will just glide on like it doesn't happen rather than have confrontation. And what happens on the other end, trust me, you gonna have confrontation. Because it's gonna come as my mama used to say, you know, that sooner or later, the truth will arrive, you know. And when it does, then you're gonna be mad because he didn't say anything for a long time. He didn't trust you not to have a fit.

That's what in our case it was. He said, I was afraid we'd be having what we're having right now. But see, his fear came upon him because he didn't handle it when he should've handled it. And now I am really mad because he didn't trust me. He didn't honor me.

You know, those kind of things. So I've got all that now added into whatever the problem was. You know? So the thing of it is, we found that it's better to be honest up front than have to deal with it on the other end. And just like I say, you know, that's the reason the water garden part of that was the fact that he it seemed to me he snuck behind my back and did it because he never mentioned it.

See, that's that little omission, you know. You tell me he didn't know he was gonna dig a swimming pool. I don't think so. Okay. Try to work as a team wherever possible.

You know, a team works together. Have you ever seen a team of horses? If one's going one way and one's going the other, you're not gonna get anywhere with what they're pulling. They have to work side by side. Side by side.

And so that's what we try to do. And we have found that we can get a lot accomplished. If you don't believe it, you should have been in our place the last few months after the ice storm. We have taken tons of debris, it seems like, out to the front and, it was real funny. I got him for his birthday.

I got him a little, wagon. It's a steel wagon, garden wagon. It's got big rubber tires on it. And so we'd load it up and carry it out. JD would cut and I'd load and carry it out.

And, I made a mistake. I'm not, you know, I'm not an outdoors person, but I was trying to work as a team and help him because I knew it was such a mammoth job. One person would, you know, would take him the rest of his life, for God's sake, if you could have seen our yard. And, so we had the thing all loaded and I was pulling it. Well, it pulls real easy on those rubber tires.

And I saw another limb laying over here and so I decided I'd bend down and pick up that limb not thinking about that wagon having momentum. And, it hit me. And it knocked me down and ran over me. I got ran over by a wagon. I couldn't believe it.

You know, I told JD, I said, first of all, before, I would have bent the wagon had it hit me. Yeah. But it did and I was black and blue but I was out there dying laughing. And he said, what is it? I said, I just got ran over by a little wagon.

I can't believe I got ran over by a wagon. And he was over there. He says, are you okay? Are you okay? You know, but we care.

We care about one another. Used to let me tell you this deal with the trees in our yard. When we first moved there, we took out 7 trees. Neither one of us had a clue about how to do it. We're doing it in active alcoholism.

It was not a teamwork effort. Trust me. You know, Paul Bunyan here had never had never had a chainsaw in his happy little hands, but he knew everything there was about cutting down a tree. And so we went out there and, I I saw it and I just couldn't believe it. He was up in the top of the tree and he'd cut off all the limbs behind him as he went.

And I said, don't you think it would have been better to start at the top and work down? And he said, well, that doesn't help much now. You know, that was one of the trees. Then he got this other one that was leaning over our house and we tied this big rope around this section of the tree that was really leaning over that direction and he said, Here, honey. He said, you hang on to this rope while I cut it and then you can pull it back this way to keep it from falling.

And then he and then he cuts the tree off below the rope, the whole damn tree. And the tree's leaning and I'm going, oh my god. I can't hold the whole tree. Even as heavy as I was. I cannot hold it.

And I'm like this, I'm screaming, help. Help. And I had tied the rope around myself so I could get a bed, you know, so I couldn't lose it. And so he throws the saw down. He runs and helps me and he says, Will, rock it.

Rock it. Hell, I can't stand up. And I'm pulling and I'm pulling and then all of a sudden the tree started coming from going, Ah! But I was tied to it. And so so I was running and it never occurred to me to go to the side.

I ran and the tree fell on me. Out there in the yard. Yeah. And the thing of it is we had had some recent rain and if not, I would have been killed. I mean, I was pretty bruised up, but I mean, I would just schwack over the tree.

And the next door neighbors are dying laughing. They said they'd never seen anything quite like that. So you see getting run over by the wagon wasn't a big deal. We've improved I was able to walk away from that one. We have tried in the past to work as a team, but like I say, it just didn't that's just like we had a metal storage building.

And on that metal storage building, we were gonna move it. And so there was 3 of us, JD and me and a girlfriend. And he said, I'll get on one side because after you unbolt it and everything, yeah, there you know, it's just a little metal storage building. It's not real heavy. It's sort of ungangly, you know, 8 by 10 building.

But anyway, he says, I'll get over here and then y'all get on either corner. So that means you have one on either corner and one in the middle and it's gonna go sort of whoopee, whoop, whoop. And so JD's walking backwards with the building and Sarah and I are walking forward with the building And all of a sudden, the building don't wanna go, and the building don't wanna go. And I said, set the building down, Sarah. And I went to see what the problem was, because I can't get him to answer me.

And I look as I go through the open doors of the building and his body is under the building on one side and his head's on the other side. And I go around there and he's going, get it off, get it off. And I said, what happened? You know the Al Anon. I need to know what happened here.

I said, what did you say? Get it off. Get it off. I said, why didn't you say something? Get it off.

Get it off. I said, how in the world did that happen? How did you get under the building? Get it off. Get it off.

Well, I got tickled and then I couldn't lift the building. I had to go and get the neighbors to come help get it off. And he had tripped when he was walking backwards and he said it came so quick he never had a chance to say anything before it was on top of his throat. You know, that's not exactly teamwork. Another one of our guidelines is joint decisions regarding changes in the home or the yard.

That one came up after the water garden, you know. Joint decision. Things that we can decide on and agree on to go forth. So we're working together as a unit as opposed to somebody wanting this way or that way. And you know, it's amazing, but when the 2 of us get together and he's real creative, Not real realistic sometimes, but he's extremely creative.

But that's where, you know, it works well together because I'll say, that is a really great idea. However, did you think about this and you think about that? Because like I say, I'm the one that goes way out here with the and he does the right here. And so then we can work together and maybe overcome some of those other things. Now as far as the duties in the home, we made a list of the jobs and things necessary for the running of the home and we decided who was gonna do what.

Now I wrote down the things that I saw that need to be done that I was willing to do. And he did the same. Funny how those lists differ. Even in length. And, there's a whole bunch of stuff that wasn't on a list.

You know. So what do you do there? You know. You've got the things that you like to do. He's got the things that he enjoys doing.

But what do you do about all that other stuff? We take turns. We take turns. And you know it's like, you can do it for a month, I can do it for a month. You know, we don't have to be locked in forever into something that you don't like doing or don't wanna do.

And over the years, this has, changed many times because, like for instance, when I hurt my back, there were certain things that I couldn't do that I had been doing that JD just picked right up and went on. And vice versa, you know, we like I say, we work that back and forth. And we don't have those major things. You it's amazing to me how big an issue garbage has been in my life. You know, or the dirty clothes or the dish you know, it's funny how you can make a major issue out of the garbage needs to go out when I think it needs to go out.

But it's his job. He said, I will take out the garbage. Well, why don't you take out the garbage? I will when I'm ready to take out the garbage. So I start another sack, you know.

And then you have 2 sacks, you know. And, but the that's where the dogs came in handy. Because, you know, when you've got dogs, they have to do it a lot quicker because the dogs will get into the garbage if you don't, you know. But it was the idea that I kept nagging him about taking out the garbage. He would have taken it out sooner if I had just kept my mouth shut.

But I couldn't do it. And so it was suggested that if it was bothering me that bad, for me to take it out and keep my mouth shut. You know? And so it's real funny now. It does not bother.

It's whoever. Butch is off a garbage detail. I always feel like the spouse needs a little gift on the the wife's special day, you know. But no, it's like it's not a big deal anymore. It's like when the garbage is full, whoever puts that piece in it makes it full, you know.

I mean, we just take it out, you know. And it never it never bothers me, You know? And but for a while, I would say to him, package out all 3, please. You know? And he would laugh.

That didn't bother him like you didn't take the garbage out again. You know? It was just the the difference in the way that I was presenting the situation. You know? And as far as the laundry situation, you know, if you want clothes washed, they have to appear in the washroom.

Clothes not making it to the washroom do not get washed. That's pretty simple. You know, if I'm out there, I don't mind loading the stuff in. If I'm out there, I don't mind bringing the stuff in and folding it. That doesn't but I'm not gonna go around and collect dirty clothes.

You know, and I'm not gonna go through pockets. You'd be surprised what I find in the washing machine from time to time. But I'm not gonna go. We're both adults. I don't feel necessary to have to treat him like a child and go through the pocket and he's the one who's gonna have to buy the new washing machine.

So, that simple. And when one of us feels that the other is not adhering to the guidelines or duty responsibilities, we try to bring it up in a positive way saying, I have a problem. Instead of, you're not doing or you said you would. You know, just say, I have a problem. This is the problem.

And the problem doesn't have your name in it. The problem is the garbage is bothering me or the laundry is bothering me or the, you know, the key. We have this little joke about the key to the gate. We keep our, gates locked. And, I had a little bitty key ring with this gate key on it.

Well, JD put it in his pocket and when he'd go out instead of bringing it back in the house and see, I'd always unlock the gate and go back and put it the key up. No. He carries it with him all day, all week. I can't get in and out of the gates or anything. And so, I was given a key to Alcatraz.

It's about that big. It's real heavy and thick. So that's where the little gate key is now. So that's all that, you know, because it weights him down. He knows it's there.

Before he would say, you know, I can't do anything. In our our yard our yard bed, I got tickled at the end of the day, the the pest control. He always goes in and gets the little key to open the gates to spray the yard And he's looking and he's saying, where's the little key with the hot air balloons on it? And I said, oh, we have this other key now. And he goes, which one goes to the gate?

That's the reason he's spraying for bugs. And when someone has a responsibility, let them do it in their own time, in their own way. And the reason I say that is and when I was growing up, my mother would come in and she would tell me to clean my room. But it wasn't my room, it was her house. You know, because it had to be the way she wanted it done.

It wasn't. It didn't it was even I never had a room that was called Mary Pearl's room. There was Bobby's room and there was Dorothy's room and there was mom and daddy's room and Mary Pearl just went from 1 to 1. And there was never a thing. And it was her house.