The Saturday Night Live, San Jose, CA

Hello, everybody. My name is Perry, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Perry. You know, that that's, like, special. He's a good man.

You know? It it just, it it blows me away that people think about me like that. It just I I'm amazed at the the power of the program of alcoholics anonymous and the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous and a higher power who I choose to call god. I'm just amazed that the transformation in my life and and the person that I've become not as a result of my thinking. My thinking got me to a place where I stood at a path and followed a path that was judged by alcoholics before me, and I turned into the person that they told me that I would do if I just did what was suggested.

You know, it's it's it's an awesome the most awesome part of this is I'm standing in front of, you know, 50 or 60 of my closest friends talking about something that I've been talking about for consistently for 17 years as of last Friday. And that's you know, prior coming down thank you. That, you know, that that is a direct result of you guys in these steps and and God. But, you know, before I came to Alcoxon anonymous, if I did something for, like, a week, that was as consistent as I could get. And I mean, that that was everything in my life.

If I could go to school for 5 days, straight. If I could keep a job for 5 days in a row. You know? If I could keep my driver's license for 5 days, if I could stay out of jail for 5 days, you know, these were things that just weren't part of my life. I started drinking fair you know, I've I've been in the rooms long enough to to not be under the illusion that 11 years old is early to start drinking, because it's not.

I mean, what the hell else are you gonna do on a Saturday and a Sunday when you're 11 if you ain't drinking? You know, what are you gonna do? Do things that 11 year old kids it's boring. You know, throw a little ripple pagan pink into me at 11, man. I was having fun.

You know, I mean, what are you gonna do at 11 if you don't drink? So 11 years old, I, I I drank before 11, but they were just like, you know, just accidental occasions. It wasn't, you know, it just happened. When I was 11 years old is when I took that first conscious drink with the sole intent purpose of getting drunk. It was me and a couple other 11 year olds, and I lived in Pacifica.

And I and I lived in Pacific Manor. And I had these 2 other buddies, and we decided well, I decided I think it was me that made the I always had great ideas. I always had great ideas. And I had a great idea. And I said, let's get drunk.

And I mean, when you say that to some kids, they don't know what you mean by drunk. But these 2 that I were hanging out with ex knew exactly what I was talking about, so we made a decision. We went to 7:11, and that's when 7:11 meant they opened at 7 in the morning, and they closed at 11 o'clock at night. They weren't 24 hours. They were 7:11.

And we went to the 7:11, and we stole some, ripple wine, pagan pink. I'm I always that was the my drink of choice for many a years. And we we eat we we each stole the bottle, and we went back to Pacific Manor Beach. Now if anybody knows Pacific Manor Beach, it's right at the end of Manor Drive, and it's got, like, sand on top. Then there's, like, a 40 foot cliff, then there's a beach in the in the water.

So we go back there, and we're drinking this ripple wine and, you know, everything's going fine. I mean, it's just it's a wonderful day in paradise. And, we finished the bottles of wine, and these 2 kids, you know, it's like 5:30. And at 11 years old, 5:30 is like almost dinner time and you're expected to be home. So they go, you know, we're you know, let's go home.

And I'm thinking, no way. What do you mean go home? We're just getting start and I'm 11, and and this is the first time I'm really gonna get drunk. And I'm thinking, wait a minute. We ain't done.

And so, you know, know, I've never had a problem drinking alone. That's never been an issue of mine. And they said, we're going home. And I said, okay. I'll I'll see you guys tomorrow in school.

And they went home and I went back to the 711. And I stole another bottle of Ripple Wine Pagan Pink. And they were like, they were pretty nice sized bottles. I guess for an 11 year old, it's quite a bit of alcohol. So I go back to the cliff because we're drinking on the top and I drink the rest of this bottle and I don't I don't remember what happened.

But I do know that when I came to, I was at the bottom of this 40 foot cliff. And and I'm a I'm a blackout drinker. I could've walked down there. I could've slid down there. I could've fell down there.

I mean, there's a number of ways I could've got down that 40 feet. I just don't know which way it was. But I knew this, however I got down there, the experience was worth it. It didn't matter. I I wasn't broken and, you know, I just it was everything was fine.

It was dark, and I knew that I was way past the time when my 11 year old person should have been out roaming the streets, but I didn't care. My life just opened up to this new horizon, and it was just wonderful. And I went home and and those things that happened to 11 years old that show up at 9:30 at night after they didn't come home from school happened, and it was okay. But that switch got turned on that day. And every single day after that, I always thought about getting drunk every day.

The next morning I woke up and it was gonna go to school and I thought maybe I'd stop by the 711 on the way to school. You know, just to get a little pick me up before I get there so I can deal with this 11, you know, I think I was a junior or like 6th grade, you know. It'll make school a lot more school becomes a lot more interesting after you've had a few drinks before you get there at 11. So you know, this is this is the way I drink and I don't know if I ever crossed the line. I know that I loved being on the other side of that line.

The people that weren't where I was looked bored. I mean, they just looked so bored, but I was having a great time. You know, I mean, I was having a great time. I go to parties. I drink.

I throw up. I get in a fight. I was all I get beat up, you know. I I never knew how I got home, but I always ended up there, and then I get beat up again. You know, I mean, I life was grand.

Life was grand. So, you know, that's kind of the way the whole story goes. I I moved away from Pacifica, and I was very resentful because it's like a first girlfriend. You never forget that first girlfriend, but you also never forget that first drunk. And I was really resentful that my parents took me away from this area that I developed these drunken relationships of my little junior high school buddies.

And they moved me to San Jose, California, and everything went downhill once I got here. I mean, immediately. Because they got me here and I ran away back to Pacifica. I gathered up my posse and we were headed to Haight Ashbury to become hippies. I mean, that's what I wanted to do.

I I just, you know, I I knew being a hippie was way cool. I was gonna go hate Ashbury. I had no idea what hippies did, but I knew that they were having a good time because they were always on the news talking about all the good times they were having. And I just knew I wanted to be part of see, I always wanted to be part of some big movement. I wanted to be part of something because my life was boring.

So I run away, and I gather up my little drunken posse in Pacifica, and we decide we're going to Haight Ashbury. And I'd probably been away for the night, and we're standing on this road going out of Pacifica, the 3 of us, and my folks drive up. And I'm thinking, now how the hell did they find me? You know what? They San Jose is, like, 40 miles away.

Why would they think that I would be right here at this moment in time hitchhiking to the Haight Ashbury? They've they're mind readers. You know. I they what the hell is going on? But they throw me in the car, they bring me back to San Jose, and I'm still not going for the San Jose thing.

I mean, it's just not working for me guys. So I ran away again, but this time they don't come and get me. This time, I dug a hole in the ground, and I put some leaves and branches over the top. And I I see, I've also I'm also one of these kind of guys that if I see a movie, I become the movie. You know, I heard a guy say that here the other night from the podium, and I was so relieved that I'm not the only one.

I seen this movie when I was about 10 years old called My Side of the Mountain. And it was about this kid who runs away from home, and he goes out into the woods, and he burns a hole in a big oak tree, and he makes his little fort, and he goes out and and kills turtles and eats the turtle, and uses the shell for a bowl, and he kills deer, and he wears their skins. And that's what I was gonna do in Pacifica. You know, I wasn't brave enough to go out to the mountains. I figured Pacifica was was good enough.

There's gotta be something around there that I can cut and make a coat out of and, you know, somebody's pet turtle that wandered into my path was in trouble. But, you know, I I I it was great for about 2 days. But, you know, now I'm like 12 years old and and 2 days sleeping underground, you know, in this little hole that I dug out. Somebody seen me, and they called the police. Now now the police get involved.

This is when it really gets fun. Because, you know, now I'm like, I'm those those characters, those heroes that I had when I was a kid, the Sal Mineos, the Marlon Brandos, the the bad guys. You know, so now I've evolved from the, wilderness guy to all of a sudden, now I'm going to juvenile hall and I'm turning into that next phase of my life, the bad guy, you know. Hey. You know, I can remember being in junior high school and the police coming in, cuffing me, and taking me out, and taking me to jail.

Oh, it was you were somebody. You know, when you got back to school, it was like, wow. You know, hey, that's pretty cool. Yeah. Them handcuffs, they were nothing.

You know? It's they practically didn't even fit around my wrist. You know? So I'm in and out of jail now. I'm it's 13.

Now I'm 13, and my drinking is really becoming a lot of fun because I'm doing a lot of traveling through the institutions throughout California, the juvenile institutions, and I'm meeting all sorts of interesting characters. I mean, these guys you know, any of you guys that go went to jail a lot and you grow up in that system, you know, those are your boys, man. I mean, every time you go to jail, they're there. You know, it's only a scary place the first time. Once you make some friends, I guarantee you they'll follow you through all the institutions.

They're just there. You know? Every time you go in, your homeboys are there. You don't got nothing to worry about. You're always hooked up for the cigarettes.

Anything that's going around jail, you've got a connection for it. You usually got a friend that works in the kitchen, so hamburgers once in a while, you know, aren't a bad you know, I mean, it's just you got it made. My life is great. You know, I'm okay with jail. It's it's a lot easier than out here.

I don't have to worry about making a living. I made the living when I got arrested. So, you know, I'm doing that whole gig and I ain't even 17 yet. I'm not even 17. And I'm just having a wonderful time.

So so I get out when I'm 17. And just like I said, 5 days, not very consistent. Within that 5 days, I get arrested again. And this time, it's a little it's a little more, I I was a burglar for a brief moment in time because I watched, get, you know, what Alexander Monday And, I mean, you know, he was a very successful, very successful burglar. It takes a thief.

Yeah. There you know, I had seen an episode, and I became that episode. Episode. So I I but I but I he stole diamonds. I sold booze.

You know, I broke into houses, and I go I break into your house. I go past your jewelry box. I go past your gun safe. I go past anything because burglary makes me thirsty. And I go into your house and I'd head straight for the liquor cabinet and I grab the biggest bottle of I I I'm not a preference drinker.

You know? Brown, clear. I just doesn't matter. It just purple. I don't care.

You know? I just whatever's there. And I twist off the top, and I'd start drinking the bottle of booze. And I don't know about what kind of drunk you are, but once I get a little heat going on, I get a little hungry. So I open up your refrigerator and, I mean, ham sandwiches, cheese, turkey, whatever you got.

Because this is before microwaves. So it's cold, you know, cold snacks. And and and so I make a sandwich, and I'm drinking the booze. And, you know, when I'm eating and drinking, I like to watch a little television too. So then I sit on your couch, and the whole time I'm supposed to be a burglar.

Okay? I'm not there for a party. So I sit down on your couch, and I'm jumping on your sandwich, and I'm drinking your booze, and I'm watching the TV, and I always get a little tired after I get a little hungry, and I get a little drink in, and I go to sleep. And sometimes I'm there when you get home. And so, obviously, burglary isn't, so I'm back at jail.

I'm back in jail, and I get in front of a judge, and he accuses me of doing something I did, and I I'm not the not guilty guy in jail. I'm not that guy. For me, I'm used to going to jail. I committed this problem. I'm not gonna fight it.

You know I did it. I know I did it. They say, hey. Look. We're gonna give you this sentence.

You just plead guilty today. We'll sentence you, and you get on down your happy road of destiny. So they'd ask me, how do you plead? I plead guilty. They'd give me my time, and I'd move on.

Well, this day the judge gave me a choice. He said, we could send you here for a while or you can join the army. And I thought, I can join the army. And I'm 17 years old. I can drink.

Because if you're 17 in the army, you can drink. I was gonna be all I could be. So they brought me down to a recruiter, and I didn't know anything about going into the army. He said, what do you wanna be? I said, what do you got?

And he said, well, we could do this. We could do this. Well, long story short, I ended up being a tanker, a guy driving a tank. And I said, there's gotta be a career after the army for tank drivers. He says, oh, yeah.

You go into the army as a tank driver, you come out. You can operate heavy equipment. You can do and I believe in him, but I'm not think I'm really not hearing him. I'm just thinking beer. I'm gonna get there, and we're gonna get beer because I can.

And I go off to become GI Joe, you know, and I I've got to, you know, I'm I'm thinking this is the right move. So I get to the army. I get to, it it's a blur. It's a blur. Because I was in the army 3 different times under 3 different Social Security numbers, so I don't know which base I was at this time.

But it was one of the the many careers in the army. So I show up and these guys jump on the bus and they're yelling at me, stand up, stand up straight, put your chest out, do sit ups, do push ups. Well, I've been in institutions for the past 4 years, so this didn't freak me out. You know, it freaked out a lot of people, but I wasn't one of them. And the one thing that they said freaked me out.

They said for the next 4 weeks, you're gonna be restricted to the barracks area and there will be no drinking. Oh, you, that sucked. You know, that I I you gotta you gotta remember, I just got out of jail, was it I was out 5 days, got arrested, got given a choice to go in the army. I'm thinking all the way back there on the plane and during the recruiting process and during the AAFES up in Oakland. I just can't wait to get there because it's it's like my oasis in the sea of sobriety at, you know, at the time.

I just wanna get there so I can drink. And then I get there and they tell me you can't drink for a month. I'm not real good at following orders. So the minute we got done processing where they give you your clothes and they give you your shots and they give you all this stuff. I found just like at 11, a couple guys that thought kinda like the way I do.

And I said, hey. Look. Tonight, he's gotta go to sleep. That drill sergeant guy. When he goes to sleep, we're gonna go to the club.

And that's exactly what we did. We paid the fire watch guy. We said, hey, the 3 of us are going the club. You want some beer? We'll bring you back some.

We're gonna go to the club. So we've put on dress screens. Now, anybody here's been in the army, I mean, there's a there's a way to wear dress screens, and there's some little little things that go on the collar, and there's some stuff that you need to wear, and and there's a proper way to wear the dress screens in the military. Well, when you just get them, you have no idea. They haven't got that far in telling you how to wear them yet.

It's like day number 2. So we put on the dress screens. He got nothing on them. They're just green. And we put on the little hat with the gold going around the front, you know, feeling like a soldier.

And we head to the club, and we get to the club, and we're drinking the beers. And, you know, the rest of the guys in there are drunk, so nobody notices that we look totally out of place. They're all in there just regular everyday green fatigues. We're in, you know, the dress greens, because we don't wanna stand out. We kinda wanna blend in.

So we're drinking and the same thing as 11 years old happens again. I'm sitting there with these 2 other 17, 18 year old guys, and it's like about 9, 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock, and they say, you know, we should get back to the barracks. Because that that guy is gonna be there in the morning. He's gonna want us to be do whatever he needs us to do. And I said, you know, you guys, come on, man.

This this place don't close till 2. 2 to 3, that's plenty of time for sleeping or just getting back. Don't worry about it. We'll be alright. Oh, no.

No. No. No. So they take off. And I said, well, you know what?

Don't worry about it. I'll be there. I'll be there. Just like 11. But this time I didn't wake up at the bottom of the cliff.

I woke up in the ditch behind the EM club, because I sleep in ditches. I don't I don't see an issue there. It's not a problem. So I get up and all of a sudden, it's sunny. And you know how when you wake up and you passed out outside, and you're sleeping in a ditch, and it's hot, and it's This is in the Midwest, so it's humid, and my mouth is not working.

It's stuck together. And I get up out of the ditch, and I got grass and weeds all over my beautiful new uniform, and I look like the scarecrow, you know, with these weeds coming out of everywhere. And I go strolling down to the barracks. And I our barracks sat at, like, the bottom of this hill. And I come strolling down the hill, and I see all, like, 250 of them just stand up, get attention.

And there's these 8 guys in front of them with these big funny hats, and they're yelling commands. And I'm just chilling down the hill. You know, I'm thinking I gotta get a a toothbrush, I gotta take a shower, you know, I'm not real you know how we feel in the morning after doing that? That's how I'm feeling. So I get down and all of a sudden, their their their attention is no longer directed to the 200 guys in front of them.

All of a sudden, all 8 of those drill sergeant's attention is directed to the and I you know, now, you know what we look like in the morning. The the the jacket is unbuttoned. The shirt tails hanging out. The hat's on sideways, you know, the the black shiny shoes are ugly dirty mess, and I'm chilling. You know?

Boom. They're on me. All of them. All 8 of them. They just swarmed me.

We know what swarming is too, because that happens out here. They just swarmed me. And they're yelling push ups, sit ups, stand ups, sit down, lunatic. They're yelling so many different things at once that they're expecting me to do, and I'm just I said to them, chill. You know, it'll be okay.

You don't gotta yell. I said, just let me go in there. I'll take a shower. I'll brush my teeth. I'll get on some clothes, and I'll be right out.

Sounded like the logical thing to do. I I was I was court martialed. I'd only been in the army 3 days, 5 days. Remember, I can't do anything consistent. I'd only been in the army 3 days, And they court martialed me.

They they, they ended up giving me an article 15 or article 13, one of them articles. I don't something. But the bottom line is they gave me another chance, because, see, we always get another chance. We know how to talk. You know, you get up in front of these people.

Now I've been shaved. I've been my teeth have been brushed. I'm in a nice uniform. I'm standing up in front of these guys who know how to wear their uniforms. You know, they know how to dress in their, you know, they've got gold bars and gold leafs and everything and and they're telling me just like I told you, I'm always guilty.

They're telling me what I did. I know they did it. They know I did it. They asked me what do I think. I said, yeah, I did it.

It was a mistake. I promise if you give me one more chance, I will be the best. See, we never just tell them we're gonna get better. I will be the best soldier in the United States Army if you just give me one more chance. And we're so sincere.

We really mean it. It talks about that in the big book. We make these promises to these people, and we really, really mean it. But then when the heat's off, kinda like some of these court cards, when the heat's off and there's nobody breathing fire down our neck trying to make us get better, we forget. And that drink, we get thirsty.

And sure enough, it's inevitable. I drink again. I get in a lot more trouble. And this time, they throw me out. And then I go back to San Jose, California, where it's I know it's screwed because San Jose sucks.

I'm I get in nothing but trouble because of San Jose, and I meet this beautiful lady sitting here in the front row. And I figure, Kane. I thought she said, what's my name? What's my name? Kane.

The CD Kane. And, so I meet her and I figure this out. I figure this out that all I need is a family. Because dad had a family, and because dad had a family, he always paid the bills. He always went to work.

There was always a roof over our head. There was always clothes on our back and food in the refrigerator. That's the problem. Because now I'm, like, 18. I this has all happened in, you know, the 6 years that I've been drinking.

So I'm 18, and I think if I just get a family, that'll be okay. So I I convinced this lady that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her, and she should trudge this happy road to destiny with me. And she's only 15, and I'm 18, and she's she's down with it. You know? So we go off and, we set up house, and we have a baby or she has a baby, but we we start this little family, and we we get really bored in the house that we live in because we only usually live in them for about 3 months.

You know, they you go get a house and they want the first, the last, and the deposit. And most of the time, that's all you're gonna get out of me. And if I can con you out of one of those 3 deposits, I will because I'll promise you I will pay you. And so we we go out in several different moves. And during this whole time, there's 2 more trips to the army under 2 different social security numbers.

And, you know, life is grand. I mean, I'm just now I've got a couple of kids, and I'm dragging them around out there. You know how we are. In and out of my in law's house. It was like vacation for them.

We would move in, live there for a couple years, get our own apartment, move out for 3 months. They'd get a breath. They get to get some semblance of normalcy back into the house. And then here we would be back at their doorstep telling them how I didn't get paid. They screwed me out of my paycheck.

So as a result, the lights got turned off. The phone's not working. Sorry you couldn't call us. You know, your grandkids are hungry. There and and we don't have a place to live.

And they come on come on in. So this goes on for many, many years. So I'm an alcoholic. If you can relate to anything I said, there's probably a good chance you belong in this room. Now my story may not be your story, but the thing about it is it it's those feeding feelings of inadequacy I was feeling during this whole time.

All I wanted to be, you know, I've always searched for something to help me get to be like them. You know, because I would see them, you know, at 6 o'clock in the morning when I've been wide awake for hours, I would be in front of my house and I would see them come walking out of their house, showered, neatly dressed, and get in their car, and and go to work. And then about 4 o'clock in that afternoon, I'd be standing out in front of that same house. This was wide awake as I was this morning, and they would drive back up into their driveway and get out of their car very neatly dressed and go in and, you know, I wanted to do that. I wanted to be that kind of person.

But I figured some of us were lawyers and some of us were convicts. And I was not gonna be that kind of guy. I was that's just wasn't in the cards for me. I was always gonna be on this side of the of the law and the table and, you know, I got dealt a bad hand, but someday my ship would come in, you know, it would. And and life would be great, but it never came in.

And, you know, all that fun and all those trips and all that great times I was having all of a sudden aren't so great anymore. And, you know, I can't put it together to go out and and run another game and do another hustle and make a few more bucks to make it one more day. And and and every morning I'm waking up and my head is just telling me, what a freaking loser. You're a loser. Why don't you just kill yourself?

You know, your family will be taken care of by the man who's been taken care of him for the whole time you've had him. Why don't you just get out of their lives and let them move on? Why do you continue to drag him down? And I wanna do it. And I wanna do it so bad.

I wanna I wanna straighten my life up so bad. So I go to church and and I I read, I'm okay, you're okay. Okay. And I and I read Dianetics, and and I read, you know, I read every book there is. I read the bible.

I I, you know, I read them all. And and for a few moments, I'm I've got the spirit. I'm life is gonna be good. And and it's just it's inevitable that demon comes back and I gotta get loaded again. I gotta get loaded.

It's no longer, you know, it's it's a party. We're get we're gonna get loaded this afternoon and no. Now it's like I gotta get loaded and I have to stay loaded. When I wake up in the morning, my thought is, where am I gonna get it? And when I go to sleep at night, oh shit.

I hope it's there in the morning. You know, there's no there's no more thinking, I'm gonna I'm gonna be I'm gonna sober up. I'm gonna do right. I've come to the end of the line. I've come to that pitiful incomprehensible demoralization where life with it isn't working and life without it would kill me.

So I wake up one morning and I'm sleeping outside in the Pintabago at the in laws house. And every once in a while, I can I can sleep in the house? They, you know, depends on if it's a good day or a bad day for the in laws, whether they like me or they don't like me, and and I'm okay with that. And, you know, they they think I'm I'm an animal, and I'm okay with that because I think I'm worse than an animal. So the animal thing is a step up.

And I'm in the house one morning, and and there's a pounding on the door. Now now the the room that my family and I are living in is a room that's probably as big as this area right here. And my children are sleeping on this side of the room in a bunk bed. And my wife and I are sleeping in a bed about as big as this table, a single bed. And everything that we've accumulated in our 13 years of marriage fit in a closet, and it's not a walk in.

Everything. My whole life is is in that much space. And I'm thinking up until this morning, I've got it going on. I'm gonna get it together. Things are gonna change.

I'm telling my wife as she's crying herself to sleep at night, don't worry, honey. I'm pretty quick. I'm gonna turn it around. I'll figure something out. And this is the best my figuring has got me to this point.

So one morning, I hear this rapping on I mean, just a banging on the door, and I open the door. Because when you come to that point in your life, you don't you're not afraid of anything. You're not afraid of those connections that you've burned out there. You're not afraid of those people you've ripped off out there. It would be a welcome relief if you open that door and one of them was there with a gun.

I mean, you would just I I can't kill myself, but please kill me. So I open the door and there's my brother-in-law. My beautiful, loving brother-in-law. And he's got a 12 gauge shotgun, and he rounds the chamber, and he sticks it up to my forehead. And he tells me, I'm gonna blow your effing brains out if you don't give me my money.

And see, he had thought I'd stole $20 from him. And and he'd been up for, like, 5 days on on speed. So he was ripe. He was ready to go. The pump was primed.

And so all of a sudden, I'm thinking, wow, here's my chance out. Here's my way out. I don't have to kill myself. I don't have to have my wife and children who already know I'm a loser. Now attach that stigmatism to me that he was not only a loser, but he was a coward and he took the easy way out.

I don't have to go out that way. I can go out being murdered. And you know, that just sounds much more macho than committing suicide. You know, when you've never been macho and you've never been cool, you know, go out like the big guns have went out. Go out in a blaze of glory and get some attention drawn to you.

Look at me. And I looked at him and I said, you know, my father told me that if you ever use a gun on a tell a guy you're gonna use a gun him and you don't, be careful because he may use it on you. Not a smart thing to say for a guy who's been up for 5 days on speed, rounded a chamber, and has his finger on the trigger and at at your forehead unless you wanna die. He looked at me and he threw the gun on his bed and he said, you're crazy. And when you have a man in that shape telling you you're crazy, I had a moment of clarity.

I really did. I had that what we call that spiritual experience right at that very moment. That was October 5th 1988. And during all of this insanity that's going on that's normal for my life, this is nothing unusual. Crazy stuff like this happens all the time.

It's just a little more intense right now. My my 110 year old daughter at the time, she's standing right next to me. It's not even phasing her and she's playing this little handheld Nintendo game. You know, it's like, this is this is home. And my little 6 year old daughter turned white as a ghost and took off down the hall.

Now, this stuff had been happening my entire life with them. This was not unusual. This was very everyday stuff for my for what my life was had become at that time and my children living in that insanity. This was but for one time, God gave me that privilege, that thing that if you've got it and you got here behind it, hold on to it. He gave me that one time that I got to look through somebody else's eyes and see what was actually happening in my life.

What was actually going on. The monster I had created finally became visual to me. And I've seen this and it was just it was just overwhelming. And I went into the bathroom because the best my best thinking happens in the bathroom. And I walked into the bathroom, my in law's bathroom, and I shut the door and I looked in the mirror.

And, you know, we we hear people say, you know, I hadn't looked in the mirror for years. Well, I hadn't looked in the mirror for years the way I looked at now. I you know, we always have to look in the mirror to shave and to brush our teeth and to do that stuff, but it's just a superficial glance in the mirror to make sure you're doing it right. I hadn't looked at my self in the mirror in a long time, and I looked in the mirror and I looked at the person I'd become, and it was again just an who was I? Who was this?

And this is where it gets really weird. I, have to tie my shoe. I'm not going anywhere, but I have this thing about I have this thing about shoelaces being untied. You might trip over them. You know?

And so I'm standing there looking in the mirror, and I I told you I've been locked up quite a bit, and I've always been an avid reader. I love reading. Because for me, reading was the only way I was experiencing life out there. You know, I couldn't experience it doing it my way. I had to read.

And one time when I was locked up, I was gonna be there a while, so I read the Bible. It seemed like a a good thing to do. It seemed like something that may help me change. But I hadn't read the bible. That was like when I was 13 or 14 years old when I was locked up and I read this.

And now I'm 30 years old. And so I'm standing there, hadn't been to church in a long time, didn't just leave a church meeting, you know, I mean, it didn't happen. And I'm standing in front of this mirror and all of a sudden I hear this voice. Voices weren't unusual at the time. I had heard voices before, but this one said something quite different from the others.

It said, seek and you shall find. Ask and it will be given. Knock and the door will be opened. Now, you know what? It was it was my moment, and it was nothing religious about it.

It was God saying, okay, buddy. You're at the turning point again. You're at the freaking crossroads. You've been here before. Which way are you going today?

That's what I think it was. Because all of a sudden, I just looked up and I said, okay, god, if that's you, give me give me give me some help. Very, you know. Come on. You're supposed to help.

Help. And he did. He did. I walked out of that bathroom, October 5, 1988. I walked up to my beautiful wife at the time of 13 years, and I said, I'm done.

I'm through. You know? And after the shotgun incident, you know, she's not even knowing what the hell I'm talking about. Are you gonna kill my brother? Are you what are you talking about?

And I said, no. I'm through. You can get rid of everything. I'm done drinking. Using drugs.

And and see and I had told her this about 3 months before, and listen to this. This is beautiful. You gotta love a wife that tells you this. I said to her, I said, you know what? I think I'm an alcoholic, and I think I've got a drug problem.

And she says, you just use that as an excuse to get loaded. Works for me. I said, you know, you're probably right. You know, I mean, gotta love that. Gotta I you gotta love a woman who says that you just use as an excuse.

Pass me the bong. So so I walk out of the bathroom and I tell her this, and I say, get rid of it. I'm done. And she puts it up in the closet. She doesn't throw it away.

She puts it up in the closet because she knows 20 years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone. She knows that sometime during the day, I'm gonna forget because we make those promises. The book talks about it. We promise, and we really mean it when we promise. And she just knows that sometime during that day, I'm gonna forget the promise, and I'm gonna want what I need because my life at this point has become, it's like breathing to me.

Getting loaded is like breathing. If I stop breathing, I die. If I stop getting loaded, I die. So boom. I'm here I am.

I show up 2 days later. I walk up. This guy drags me to this crazy place and he introduces me to this guy, and this guy looks at me and he says, hi. My name is Vic See. Welcome to another beautiful day in paradise.

God loves you. I love you. There's nothing you can do about it. I'm gonna be your sponsor. You could do everything I say or you're gonna die.

I said, okay. I mean, I I didn't. What else did I have going I had nothing else going on. I had no place else to go. I could, you know, I could go back to jail, but that wasn't gonna change my life.

I could go back to the church, but been there plenty of times, that didn't change my life. So I just said, whatever. Okay. Good. Let's do it.

And he marched me in the room. 2 guys sat on one side of me. 2 guys sat on the other side of me. They put me in the middle. And I, you know, I get busy when I get sitting in in a room of Alcoholics Anonymous when I'm new.

And I gotta go smoke. I gotta go pee. I gotta go drink coffee. I gotta go smoke. I gotta go pee.