The Touchet River Roundup in Waitsburg, WA

Hey, we used to. I'm Bill Poppell. I am an alcoholic. Daryl's got me crying already. Goddamn you people scare the hell out of me.

You've done that ever since the first day I've got here. I'd certainly like to welcome all the newer comers, and happy birthday to all the newer kids too. Everybody with birthdays. I haven't found it necessary to have a drink for 19 years, 5 months, and 16 days, and that's not my fault. That was not my intentions.

Like I said, I'd like to welcome all the newer kids. I hope you hear something that brings you back. And as Ryan used to tell us, you know, I hope the booze and the drugs kick the shit out of you. I'm up here to share my experience, strength, and hope with you. And, Daryl, God, it's good to see kids grow up here.

I don't know about y'all, but I started drinking for acceptance. You know, I I'm I'm one of those kids that my my dad used to take me out hunting, fishing. There wasn't a whole lot wrong in our home and stuff, but he used to take me out hunting and fishing, give me a beer now and then. And I thought that was okay. When I got in high school, I started seeing kids drink on the weekends and stuff, and I was watching what they was doing.

Goddamn, that looked good. That looked like fun. You know? So I started drinking for that reason, that acceptance, to get accepted by them. Because he at the time, I didn't know.

I was one of those kids that never felt at home in my own body. I didn't feel at home with Bill. You know? I liked y'all when I saw you driving your cars and and running around and drinking and having fun. That looked like a good time for me.

You know? And I started doing that. Now I'm one of those kids, I never got into cars much. Well, by the time I was 13 years old, I owned my own motorcycle. So, I learned one very precious thing while I was being raised, and that's how to earn money.

And I found that also gave me acceptance, you know. I knew how to make money. So the kids would come to me and and, want money for their booze and stuff, so I would have a trade off with them. They gave me transportation and I gave them school. And it gave me great acceptance.

I didn't know I was in trouble with that at that time, you know. I didn't see that. All I knew is it made me feel good and I liked that effect. I liked what that did for me, you know. It gave me acceptance.

You're new and you're sitting here, you know. Sit around and listen to these old parts that that tell their stories and how they tell it and what they tell, you know. I didn't believe y'all had anything for me when I first showed up to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know. I got married when I was, I don't know, 23 years old or something like that, and I started having kids, and I did that for one reason and one reason only. I thought that's what everybody wanted me to do.

I didn't know that I was starting out on a life, that I was out to please everybody, you know. And and during that marriage, what happened for me is I I had wife, mother-in-law, and all of this other stuff, and I drank them out of my life. That was not my intention. So I didn't start out to do that. I thought I was supposed to do all the things I was doing, you know.

I'd go home, I'd I'd start drinking, I'd start smoking my dope, I'd lay on the couch, I'd yell out at kids. I'd yell at my wife and do all that shit, and not even know I was doing it. You know, it was like I missed the whole deal. I didn't know that I was starting to please trying to please everybody in my life, running them out of my life and locking myself up inside. When my wife finally decided to leave me, I really crawled into a bottle.

And that's literally what I did. I crawled into a bottle, you know. I went out one day, decided I was gonna get drunk, and I stayed drunk. And I started doing all those great things us drunks do. I was really proud of myself.

I was really proud of myself of the fact I had never wrecked a car, intentionally. I never did. I started wrecking cars, unintentionally, and it became a habit. And it got bad. I started wrecking a lot of cars.

Then I started getting locked up. And I thought that was all part of drinking. I had thoroughly accepted the fact that if I was going to drink, that shit was going to happen to me. You know? I didn't see what was happening around me.

I just figured if I drank, it was normal to wake up wherever I woke up. Sometimes it was Canada. Sometimes it was Coeur d'Alene. Sometimes it was San Francisco. Sometimes it was Reno, Sacramento, Seattle, Yakima, all those different places.

That's where I'd wake up. I had accepted the fact that if I was going to drink, that shit was going to happen. You know, didn't have any clue that I had a problem. I had a jail down in Northern California. I worked down there for for probably 18, 19 months.

I am the type person who can and will go out drinking, get locked up, finally get released from jail, and be back the next night for the same goddamn reason I got locked up a few days beforehand, You know, forgot completely what got me there in the first place. You know, I can do that. I can do that. Never thought it was a boost. I had a jailer, that same jailer down there one weekend.

I was brought in again. He looked at me, and he said, Bill, this isn't a resort. You don't have to keep coming back. You know? Up to that point, nobody had mentioned that I had a problem.

I've I've got all kinds of slips from alcohol schools. You know? It used to be that they you get drunk, you get a DWI, they send you off to school for 2 weeks, you learn how to be drunk, I thought. You know? Actually, they were trying to teach us how not to drink, but I never caught the deal.

I didn't know that my whole life I was missing the learning lessons that I was supposed to pick up. You know? It wasn't until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, that was not my intentions. I didn't get court ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous.

What happened is is a gentleman in a 3 piece suit overheard me telling a story to to to this other kid who said he had some problems with alcohol, he thought. He got me to talk, and I was kind of relating a few of my experiences to him. He, this guy overheard me, and and, he was hearing hearing the deal, and and he somehow knew where I was. And and then he told me, you know, Bill, I've I've got a solution for your problem if you wanna come with me. And I just looked at this guy and said, no.

Thanks. You know? He's wearing a 3 piece suit, and I didn't think about it much. But what he said to me actually is, you know, nobody's going to want to help you build until you want to help yourself, actually. You know?

And and I just blew it off. And and, kinda I don't know how y'all are, but something like that, the way it affected me is I went to a bar and I started thinking about what the guy said, and I got angry and really pissed off. And then the more I got pissed off, the more I drank. And then finally, I, for some reason or another, was to push away my last half of beer that that that I was to have since that day. And, that was on December 7, 1983.

That was not my intentions to quit drinking, but the guy pissed me off so much I couldn't get drunk. And I went back the next day. I found him still smelling like a brewery, and I asked him, I said, what the hell are you talking about? He says, kid, if you want to know, he says, I got some place to take you for 1 hour. He said, that's all it'll cost you, 1 hour.

And I said, Okay. I'll get in my car and I'll follow you. He says, No. You get in my car and I'll take you. And that man took me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I sat down at the tables. He did not tell me where he was taking me. I sat down at the tables. I started looking around the room and I started catching on to where I was at. He says, no, not me.

I'm too young. I'm I'm only 32 years old. I'm 10 foot tall, bulletproof. You you know, I don't belong here. I'm too young.

I make too much money. I got too many things going for me. He said, just sit down and listen to us. You know, it won't cost you anything. So I started listening to the people around the tables, you know, and for the first time in a long time, I got asked back to come I got asked to come back to another meeting.

It had been a long, long time since I had gotten asked back to come asked to come back anywhere. Most people were telling me to leave. Most people were telling me to get out of their lives. Most people were telling me not to show up again. And the people around the tables asked me to come back for another meeting.

And, you know, I came back for a second meeting and a third meeting. I started liking what I saw. I liked the laughter, the gayety. I liked what they were doing. They were joking.

They were having some good gut laughs, And they were talking about honesty and they were talking about this and they were talking about things that I could not comprehend. But I liked what I heard because they were talking about things I believed I could not have. Now I wanna let you know, while I was growing up, my folks tried raising me a devout as a devout Catholic, and I got out of that one at a very young age. And then when I was 20, 21 years old, I started searching for a church to go to, And I made in the area where I was living, I made an avid effort to go to a lot of different churches to see if I could, could get into this religious thing. I couldn't.

I walked away from church. I walked away from God with a firm belief there was not a God. And if you believed in that, that was okay for you. And I believed now listen to this. If you're new here, listen to this.

I believed if I believed in that great shit between my ears, I would do okay. And that's the very first thing the old timers work started working on my head with is the gray shit between my ears telling me how screwed up my thinking was. I did not believe my thinking was screwed up. Now I'm an educated person. I went to a private engineering college.

I put in the time. I was educated to think, reason and do all those things engineers are taught to do, and the best I got was facedown in the gutter. Face down in the gutter. That's what my thinking got me and that's what the old timers started pointing out. When I finally told the man a little bit about my past and stuff, he looked at me and he smiled and said, you don't think you have a problem?

Normal people don't seem to do the things you do repeatedly. You know? If you run into the door once and say, ouch, you're you're apt to avoid that, not me, I'll run into it a couple more times just to see if it's still there. You know? That's what my thinking does for me.

Now it was not my intentions to end up in that meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, but thank God I did. Thank God I did. You know? I know I know where I was headed when I showed up here, and I firmly believe that I'd be dead. You know?

The old timers told me that the solution in my life was going to be God, and I didn't want to believe that, did not want anything to do with him. I could not see how he worked ever in my life. But I'm gonna tell you something. The very last time I was released from jail, it was November 23rd or 24th, 1983, and this atheist was picked up by someone in his car. I reached in my glove box for the bag of dope that I knew was there, and I had him pick me up with my usual 12 pack of Budweiser.

And when I reached for that bag of dope, I said, God, there's gotta be a better way. I said a prayer, not believing. Less than 3 weeks away in 3 states from where I was at that moment, I ended up in my very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that was on December 7, 1983. See how fast God can answer prayers for even atheists? That was not my intentions.

Nothing that is good for me has ever been my intentions. My intentions got me locked up and beat up on a pretty regular basis, And that's where the old timers started with me, pointing out that type of thinking, you see. It was my intentions always to go out and party and have fun, but I always got beat up or locked up. One way or another, either physically or mentally, I got beat up. If somebody else didn't do it, I would have to do it to myself.

Normal people don't do that. The old timers told me that. Normal people won't do that. I will. If you laid as much guilt on me, if you could lay as much guilt on me as I could lay on myself, I would have to hurt you.

You know? I lay a lot of guilt on myself. I don't know where I learned how to do that, but I can do that. Normal people won't. You know, but I will and I can and I've proved it in the past.

I spent a lot of time looking for freedom when I was out there practicing, and the old timers started telling me how you can find that in the 12 steps we have here. And it was like, oh, bullshit. You know? I'm one of those people that I'm not from Missouri or anything like that, but it's almost like you gotta show me. That's the way I was when I showed up here.

But I'll tell you what and how God has worked in my life. At about 5 months, a kid shows up in my my life by the name of Jimmy Waddell. And some of you people from Yakima, if you've been around long enough, probably remember him. He rode a bike, and he always rode in white tennis shoes. You know?

I was at the Elano Club, and the call comes in. And the way I look, somebody says, hey, there's a guy down at the scooter shop who needs a ride to a meeting. You better go pick him up. I don't want to. Go anyway.

Okay. So I go down and I pick this kid up. Thank God he ever showed up in my life. He became my spiritual sponsor. That kid would get down on his knees in front of me and he would pray And he would allow me to watch him, and I got to watch him, and and and, he got to watch me.

And and whenever something happened, he just looked at me and say, Bill, just look up and say thank you, God. And I started doing that. No. I don't mean it. He said, do it anyway.

Just say thank you, God. Good, bad, or indifferent. And I started doing that. It started making a little bit of a difference. The old timers started taking me out, and they were having me do things.

I replaced the front end on some old Dodge pickups that somebody had wrecked, and and I did it not knowing how to. And when I said I don't wanna do it, I was with old Geezer, the guy that we have the memorial run with. He just looked at me over the top of his glasses, and he says, Bill, I don't think I asked you if you wanted to do it. I'm just telling you to do it. Fuck.

Okay. You know? So I'd get into this thing, start working. He'd grab me by the back of the shoulder. Come on.

It's time to go to a meeting, and he'd drag me off to another goddamn meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous. And I started getting spoon fed this program. I'd be around the club, and somebody says, hey, this gal out here has got a flat tire. I think you ought to go out and fix it. This person over here needs to move.

I think you ought to go help them move. This person over there, I moved 10,000 people the first 5 years I was around this program. I did not want to do that. That was not my intentions. But I got spoon fed the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And while they were doing that, I was starting to catch on to some. I was starting to catch on to some. This worthless piece of shit started feeling good about himself. They were teaching me self worth some self esteem. I could do something for another human being expecting nothing in return and at the same time get paid tenfold.

I came in the program spiritually and morally sick and broken, not wanting to live. And they started teaching me about self worth and self esteem and how to get it by helping another drunk, by helping another human being. They taught me how screwed up my thinking was, and I finally woke up one day realizing and being able to believe that I did have a problem, the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have a problem, and my life is screwed up. It wasn't until I went to a person and said, goddamn it, you got to help me.

I don't know how to do the deal. And they took me to the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, and they started pointing out the instructions in that book. They took my finger and they started pointing out the instructions. They said read this bill, and I would read it and it would say something like we made a list. You see, that's pretty that's pretty pretty straightforward, Bill.

We think that's an instruction. Why don't you try that? Hell, I had read it 6 or 7 times and missed it. That's how smart I am. You know?

I missed the instructions. The first time I read that book, I threw it down and said, bullshit. Bullshit. But when they started pointing out the explicit instructions, I started getting it. It was simple.

It was me that was always overlooking it, and that's part of my problem. You know, my thinking's all screwed up. It always has been. It still is today. You know?

I can still convince myself I'm not scared, that my knees are shaking, just something terrible. That's how not scared I am. You know? That's how my thinking is. One of the very first things I started picking up in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous is hope.

I listened to you and what you were doing in your lives and I started thinking, maybe it'll be okay. I started hearing that hope that you talked about. It started giving me hope. You know, maybe I could go through this. Maybe I can do this.

And the insanity in that second step, I started to see, yeah, it's insane. You know? Since then, I haven't had to wake up halfway in my door, halfway out my door with a bent or a broken key. I haven't had to wake up in the ditch. I quit waking up in orchards and vineyards and dumpsters underneath combines.

I quit waking up in jail and I quit waking up in hospitals. I always used to wake up in those places. A lot of homes that I didn't know who, where, what town, anything, you know. And the hope started coming around that maybe someday I'll be okay. Hey, you know, they start talking about this God thing.

The whole time I started telling you God's gonna be the solution in your life, you know, Not mine. I don't wanna believe. And then I started floundering at 18 months without a drink, not sober, but without a drink wanted to die, wanted to die. I couldn't feel like I saw you feeling. I saw a lot of happiness, joy, people having fun.

Not me. I couldn't feel that. I was dead. But I wanted what I saw in you people. The life.

You showed me a good time, what it could be like. You showed me what you're doing in your daily lives. One night I was sitting in my garage, had all these motorcycles sitting in there. I was going to crank them up and asphyxiate myself. This little voice comes in the back of my head, well, you dipshit, just do what you're told to do.

Get up in the morning and say thank you, God, and get on with your goddamn life. But whatever happened, happened. And I finally started doing that. I finally surrendered to that third step. I turned my thinking, as an old timer told me to do, turned my thinking over to somebody else.

After all, it was my thinking that was getting me locked up and beat up on a regular basis. And that's all the old parts were trying to tell me. Now your thinking's all screwed up. What about this? Well, I never thought about that.

Oh, of course, you didn't. You're a drunk. But once I started doing that, turning my thinking over to somebody else and following the directions, things started getting better. You know, and as God will have it in my life, I up to that 18 months, I had worked a 4 step at least 3 or 4 times my way. It took this guy takes me to the book and he says, Bill, let's let's have you follow these instructions here, and he started pointing out those instructions and stuff.

You see, I finally hurt enough inside. I had to do something. And he says, Bill, if you had a broken leg, would you sit around until the pain went away to go see a doctor? I said, well, hell no. I won't do that.

And he said, then get off your ass and do the goddamn 4th step. Oh, okay. What's the instructions? Oh, I'm glad you asked. It took me to the book.

Here they are, right here. Let's do this, this, and this, and this. And I started doing that. Now I'm gonna tell you I didn't have a thunderbolt of lightning and revelations, and I didn't get happy, joyous, and free immediately. I wish that's the way it was, but it's not.

Not for me. It took me a while. It took me a while. But you know what? I finally did it because my back was up against the wall and I took it to my sponsor, and I started going over my 4 step with him and there was something in that 4 step.

I'll put it this way. There was something in that there was something that was not in that 4th step and something that I wasn't gonna tell anybody or talk to anybody about. And when we got done talking and stuff, he started bullshitting a little bit about his life and sharing a little bit about his life, and he hit it along along the lines of this one particular subject. And I sit there and I looked at him. I said, goddamn.

That happened to you? He said, yeah, I did. And I spilled my guts out to them and that last dark secret that I wasn't gonna share with another human being helped me. And I got the promise that we have on the 5th step of Alcoholics Anonymous and that's the promise of freedom. Be able to walk down the street of free men.

Free men. Hell, I broke every lawn of books trying to be a free man, and I got locked up and beat up for it when I was out there practicing. And that's all I wanted is to be free. And I come here and I start following the rules and I start following their directions and I get the very one thing I drank for, that's to be free. And this guy started reading the rest of the steps of the program to me, step 6, 7.

And I don't know about you all, but that very first year I was here, I made all the amends I was gonna make. Made them all. Ain't no one of them worked, not a one of them. I had an amends to my ex wife, my son's mother. I was not ever gonna make that one.

So I wrote her a letter. It just pissed her off. That's it. At 10, 11 years of sobriety, I got to sit in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous with her and my son. And shortly afterwards, got to make that amends, Got to talk to her about it?

That's not my deal. The step says wherever possible, not when. It took me a while to see that, you know? And I've had to make amends to people that I didn't think I'd ever need or want to make amends to. I had a cop when I first sobered up.

He was hassling a few of the kids that I ride with and I found his motorcycle all alone one night. And I literally I I was up on my hind wheels and coming down on that bike, and I was on mine and I was gonna land it right in the middle of his and something stopped me. And I stopped just short of hitting his bike. I swear to God I was gonna land right in the middle of it. And I stopped.

Man, that's a nasty thought. If I would have been drunk, I would have done it. It. Type of person I am. I would have done it.

But I stopped myself. I had probably, I don't know, 9, 10 months around here just a raving lunatic. Couple years later, he shows up in the program, the alcoholics anonymous, and he's standing in the kitchen at the club, and I'm standing there feeling like shit. Goddamn. I gotta do it again.

I walked up and apologized to to him about something he had no clue as to what it was about. And also I had to say to him was, you know, when he asked me, what's this? What why? It's because I was willing to hurt your your property and your life and and I need to do it for me, not you. That kid and I are good friends today.

We talk to each other and stuff. We don't have to be enemies. The instructions work just the way they were meant to work, just the way they're laid out in a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. My 4 most favorite pages in the big book contain steps 11 and 10. Now I used to watch Jimmy get down on his knees continuously and pray and talk to God, and that's something I was never gonna do.

My sponsor was at my house one night. He was going nuts. And I said, what, you know, what can I do to avoid this? And he says, read for 30 days, pages 84 through 88, for 30 days straight. If you miss a day, start all over and read them again.

And I started reading those. And you know what I discovered there? As I started reading those, I subconsciously started allowing those things to happen in my life. It tells me how to pray, how to think, what to do with my will, all those things I don't want anything to do with. It tells me what to do with my my anger when I get angry during the day.

It tells me what to do with all that shit, you know. And I started reading those and they started working subconsciously. Now I'm a human being and I'm the type of guy I've got a pretty good forgetter. You know? It it it's like, you know, when I was out there practicing, I quit drinking sometimes 4 5 times a day.

Except I'd forget I did that and start drinking again. You know? And I can still do that in sobriety. So I I continuously every time I tell somebody else to read it, I gotta go read it myself and remind me where I am. I am a human being.

And what I found for me is after those first 11 steps, something happened. I began to see how God works in my life. I began to see how he has always been in my life. He has always taken care of me. The very one thing that I didn't want to have as a solution in my life became the solution in my life, God.

He became the solution in my life to such extent that I love the effect of Him and those steps in my life. I love that effect more so than I love the effect of the booze. Now I don't know how y'all are, but the booze, I loved what it did for me. Allowed me to dance on top of tables, be 10 foot tall, bulletproof. I could dance with the young ladies.

I could talk to them. And they told me if I allowed those steps to work in my life, which I didn't believe, that I could do the same thing without the booze. I have not found an old timer that has lied to me about them steps yet. I'm still looking, but I haven't found any. I love listening to them.

They've got a lot of wisdom, and they know what they're talking about. The people who taught me, taught me out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and they taught me the way they were taught. They allowed me to watch them and what they did. And dear Daryl, yeah, Jimmy used to do the same for me and Jimmy used to do the same for other people. Take them to places.

And Jimmy used to tell the newcomers, you know, grab onto somebody's shirt tail and make a fucking nuisance of yourself. You have to do that. That's what he had to do to save his ass, and I'll tell you what. I began doing that to save my ass, and it works, it really does. Asking all those stupid questions, you know.

Helping others. Man, my problem is my own selfish self centeredness. Now, this is where step 12 comes in. Okay? My problem is my own selfish self centeredness, and there's still a big problem in me today.

You know? So what's the solution? Other centeredness for me. I get out of my own shit and I get into your shit, come back to mine and my shit doesn't smell so bad. It's just that simple.

It's just that simple, you know. That's what the old timers taught me. I have a problem and I keep getting in trouble with it. But if I'm with you and I'm talking to you and trying to help you, I ain't got time for my own shit. And maybe sometimes my own shit doesn't get worked on, but it ain't near as bad when I come back to it.

You know? My problems ain't so bad. Jimmy, he used to tell me when I go crying to him, I want to tell you. I went crying to him. He'd keep relating the story to me.

He says, you know, Bill, I was in the same shape you are, and I was out in Montana. And I go see my spiritual sponsor out in Montana and that old Indian out there. He says, Jimmy, have you eaten today? Jimmy, you tell me, yeah, I did. I said, Jimmy, did you go to a meeting today?

Yeah. Went to a meeting today. Did you sleep last night? Yeah. I did.

Where'd you sleep? You said, in the bed, doing what's all fucking bad? And it started making sense. Since I've come into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've had a roof over my head, I've been able to get fed, and I've had a place to sleep. I can remember a lot of times I didn't have those things in my life.

And when I started helping other alcoholics now I wanna tell you a little bit about my home, the first 5 years I was sober. For some reason or another, these guys took a look at me and they figured I could probably do a little bit of wrench work. So my house, you know, my house was a busy place. There was motorcycles coming all day long. One guy got so tired of making coffee, he went out and found a 101 cup percolator, kept it going in the house, and we'd go through 3 or 4 pots.

And the good days are measured on the number of dirty coffee cups. I was unemployed and feeding these people and supplying coffee. I don't know how that happened. But during that time, I didn't hurt anybody. And my sons came to live with me, and they got taken care of, probably not the best.

I was still full of hate and anger and rage and all that other crap, but they got taken care of, and they had a roof over their head, and I had one, and other people had one. And if you wanted to go find good companionship in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, you'd go to this guy's place. Now that's something because I was, an antisocial person. I was an introvert. Hated people.

I was a loner. I knew how to go to a crowded bar and be alone. I could do that and I did it time and time again. And all of a sudden there's all these people frequenting my place and all that you were doing is getting me out of me and showing me how to live. You'd take me out and do all that shit I didn't wanna do.

You showed me how to work with new kids, and by doing all the shit that I was doing, getting something that I didn't know I was getting, I got to learn how to be a human being, to get some self worth, some self esteem, to be able to be just Bill, just me. I never wanted to be me. I was not good enough, not bad enough, not handsome enough, not enough of enough. I was nothing when I showed up here today, thanks to that 12 step. And I don't, you know, I don't care where I am.

I don't care where I am. When I'm in my deepest shit, God sends somebody out to talk to me and says, hey, Bill, what about this? And I'm off and running and I'm doing okay. He has never failed when I'm at my worst, when I'm going the craziest. Somebody comes up, asks me a question, and I'm off and running with them again.

And it has saved my ass I don't know how many times, you know, and I end up getting paid back 10 fold inside for what I have to put out for it, you know, and that's special. I have found something here that I really love, and that's a gift of life to be able to live and say, hey, I'm Bill. I'm an alcoholic. How can I help you? Because that's the deal.

By working with you, I learn more about me and how I, you know. My life today my life today is full of good, good friends, happy people. You know? Kids that let me go over their house and yell and scream, jump up and down, throw my temper tantrums, say, no. It's gonna be okay, Bill.

Just sit down, shut up, and do this. You know? They may pat me on the back for 30 seconds, but they'll kick my ass for 3 minutes. And I get to sit at my house and answer the phone and say, what's up with you today? Thanks again for calling.

You know? My life today, because it was none of my intentions, is filled with people like Daryl, with Woody, with my son, with Mike, with Joel, Tom, everybody. Everybody. I haven't made any enemies today. 20 years ago, you all would have asked me to leave by now.

You would have, you know. I know that or I know I'd be dead, you know. My life is outstanding. Like I said earlier, I can still screw it up. I'm one of those people that when I take back the control and the manipulation, I still screw it up as bad as I did this the very first day I got here.

Nobody. Not one of the old timers or can I find it in the big book yet? K. God's gonna relieve me of my character defects. Nowhere in there does it say he's gonna take them away from me.

He'll temporarily relieve me while I work with you. But you see, He still leaves them with me. I can still try to take the control and the manipulation back and I can get into the same shit I used to get into. And I do oftentimes, you know. My life is good today and it's absolutely good because of you and God in the way you guys work in my life.

If you, you know, if you're new and you're sitting out here wondering about this God or higher power thing, whatever the hell you want to call, do like I was first taught. I floundered with that for a while and I started asking about it in meetings. And some gal, Jaren was her name, pulls me over after the meeting. Now I had a year, year and a half sometime around in there and she had, God, I don't know, a great amount of time, 8, 9 years, something like that. And she says, why don't you do this?

What's that? And she says, can you hear me? I said, yeah. You see me? Yeah.

If you were to touch me, could you feel me? Yeah, I can do that. Well, think about this. In God's world, most of the time, the only tools he has to work with are other people. I could probably do that.

He said, well, then watch us. Keep watching us. If we lie to you, call us on it. If you like what we have, if you like what we're doing, if you like the results of our lives, why don't you try it? We started doing that and became easier for me to see God and how he worked in my life.

It's never failed. He has always been there for me. Like that prayer I said that last night I was let out of jail. I don't know how, you know, it was 2 years without a drink before I even remembered I said that prayer. But when I remembered it, it was clear as day.

I knew exactly the instant I said that and I was sitting there, God, You are awesome and the power that you carry. And believe this, the people in these pro in in in these programs and in these rooms have an awesome power. That power is God and he will work through us even if you don't believe as I didn't believe, you know. You stick around here. You come, you come too, and hopefully you come to believe in the power that we carry in the program.

It's a good deal, but you gotta do the deal. And I'm glad y'all didn't ask me to read the 12 promises tonight because if you ask me to read, I'll read them like I always read them. The very last line. If we get off our ass and work for them. It's not just if we work for them.

We get off our ass because we can't sit on our ass and get this thing by osmosis. We can get some of it. But the program and our book talks about action followed by more action. I got to do the deal. I got to do the deal to get the deal, you know, and thank God I stuck around here long enough to catch this disease to where I wanted to do the deal.

You know, thank God that I found you when I did. Thank God I drank every drink. I did every drug. Showed up in a perfect position to be taught by you, you know, in a perfect position, broken inside. And I come in here, listen to you, I've got sons.

I've got a beautiful wife who understands something. You know? He'd like to take him to control from now on then. And you know my sponsor, what he told me when we got married, Do you wanna have a good marriage? And it works.

It absolutely works when I let it, when I do it. It works all the time. She says, you know this, Bill. You're wrong. You always will be wrong.

And she's always right. Period. Now it may sound funny, but when I don't let that to happen, when I don't let that happen, I get in trouble. I get angry, I get upset and I'm back in the control of manipulation and there it goes again, you know. I never have learned how to get out of that one.

But but he was right, you know. And I have to do the same thing with God and everything else that goes on in my life. Everything else, you know, when I could finally realize that he's right, I'm wrong and he's always gonna be right, then we have a good day, you know. I'm fond of saying in this, you know, believe me or not, this is what I love to do in the morning if I can remember to do it. And if I can do it, I like to just get up and pretend like my life is none of my goddamn business and I have a good day.

Just that simple. You know, it's when it, when I make up my business, I screw it up. I'm happy as hell to get here and I'll tell you what, if you want a good life, stick around, go to the next meeting, get phone numbers, talk to people. Don't be an introvert like I was when I first showed up here. Allow God knows 12 steps to work in your life and you can have beautiful life too.

You know, it's a good deal. Anyway, I've talked long enough. I love you people. I love the effect you have on my life today. Thanks for allowing me to be here.