The Northern Plains Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Fargo, ND

Tonight, I have the distinct pleasure of introducing our main speaker. And, just so everybody knows, he will be behind this podium. However, he is wearing black Nike short socks with his suit. That is a faux pas. Seriously, Michael has, Michael has been very influential in my sobriety and I know he's been very influential in many others sobriety.

He was one of the guys that one of the many that intimidated me when I got here, and later I found out that we were all just on the same page and that we're all on the same level. I'm very grateful to have Mike in my life as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And with that, I'd like to have you welcome him up. Hi, everyone. My name is Mike Heitland.

I'm an alcoholic. Hi. Mike. And I'm sober since September 18, 1996. Faux pas.

Faux pas. That's not a word I hear very often. I I do have Nike socks on tonight. I thought it was, I'm a nerd. I can't help it.

I'm not very, I'm not very classy a lot of times. In fact, I'm rarely very classy. I try to I try to look at each week, but underneath, there's a 100% nerd here. So, it's the truth. I make jokes with people nowadays and, they're not funny.

People don't laugh at me. I I send email jokes out and they come back with, are you stupid? So every once in a while I'll get someone that gets it, but, I'm really I'm really I'm I'm really grateful to have the opportunity to come speak at my home group tonight. I absolutely love Alcoholics Anonymous, and I absolutely love the Northern Plains Group. I, I'm not gonna spend a lot of time, today talking.

I know a lot of people say that and then they spend the whole hour talking about it, but I'm not gonna spend a whole lot of time talking about my, my, you know, birthplace and all that and, and where I grew up and where I attended school because I don't I don't think it's necessarily why I became alcoholic. In fact, I think a lot of times times I've been led when I was early in sobriety to to believe that when people would speak. So I'll tell you that I was born in Monet, North Dakota. Now we're talking. See, I've never understood that why no matter where anyone says they're from, everyone boos.

I mean, if I I was born in Ireland. Oh. What's some Ireland rocks? So I don't I'm not I'm all up on the booing. I'm actually, you know, a little round of applause.

You know, that whole town endured me for quite a while. So I, I was born yeah. Exactly. I was born and I, in in, mine in North Dakota, and now we're talking. That's what I'm talking about.

I, I quickly moved I quickly moved to ACK, Iowa where I I spent the the first 10 years of my life. I grew up on a farm. In fact, Kirsten last week, she was talking about, growing up on a pig farm and I grew up on a pig farm. Whoo hoo. I, I rode pigs.

I waited through knee high crap and lost my boots all the time. I mean, I had I grew up on a pig farm. I was a farm boy, and I was for those of you that are farm people, you end up being rather sheltered if you live in a farm growing up. So in, you know, I let you know what my parents are, my parents are are good people. They're not alcoholic.

They've got their own issues, but they are definitely nonalcoholic or nonalcoholic. They They didn't abuse me. They didn't beat me. They didn't, they didn't kick me or hurt me. They gave me, a lot of the things that I wanted and for the most part, everything I needed.

So I, I don't believe that my alcoholism has anything to do with, where I was raised or my parents or, the fact that I've got Irish in me. I I think though I think though I was I was born endowed with a great amount of alcoholic tendencies. In fact, I would I would kinda consider myself a freeze dried alcoholic, and, once alcohol hit me, that was all it took. I was, you know, I was out of the gates. So I left Ackley, 9 years old, and I came to Minot.

And, in Minot, everyone was doing things differently than you do in Iowa. In Iowa, you know, we have hay rides and, we have hay rides, and you can pick up a roasted chicken at the market. I mean, there wasn't a whole lot to do in Actley, Iowa. Population 1,000, you know, 22 hours from, from any large city. My mom and dad were farmers.

They weren't into technology. The best thing they ever bought me though, for those who are are out there that understand this, they bought me a Commodore Vic 20. Yeah. I love Commodore Vic twenties. And, that was what I had.

That was my game system. So when it came to mind, I was at least somewhat I was at least somewhat in tune with what people are talking about. About. You know, video games are cool. We didn't have video games in Ackley.

We had a pinball machine at the at the market. So I didn't really fit in with other kids. You know, they were talking about also things that I didn't really understand. I didn't I didn't grasp and, I was a very antisocial kid. I know sometimes I might try to give the perception today that I'm that I'm, an extrovert or someone that, you know, talks really well and is shaking everyone's hands.

But on the inside, I'm absolutely terrified most of the time. And I I I grew up that way. I, I didn't meet a lot of people. I didn't have a lot of friends. I was that quiet guy in the corner that was secretly plotting everyone's death.

I was the kind of guy where in school if I if my pencil broke, it was a life altering decision, absolute life altering decision if I was to get up in front of the class and go sharpen my pencil. Well, you know, when you do that, you have to walk from here to there, and the entire time you're walking that way, everyone's eyes are on your back. You you know? I mean, you just everyone they're staring at you. So I didn't I didn't feel very comfortable growing up.

I, I had I had a temper issue. That might be Irish. I have no clue. I had a I had an anger issue, you call it. I got mad instantaneously for absolutely no reason.

My mom's house looked like Swiss cheese. I had so many holes in the wall for my fist. When I was, when I was 11, I got disgruntled and I took a butcher knife after my brother and tried laying it inside of his head. I just missed and caught the wall, and my aunt came over, pinned me down, and sent me off to Jamestown psychiatric unit. So, at age 11, I adopted the nickname Mike the psych.

You know, psycho mico, and there's a they go on and on. Yeah. It's pretty it was pretty sad. So I was kinda branded at that time as the crazy kid. I loved I loved using that to my advantage.

I didn't get in a lot of fights in the early years of high school because because all you had to do was act crazy, and people didn't wanna fight you. You know? You punch someone really hard and you and you freak out on them and you and you knock them around a bit and everyone thinks juice up Mike's tough. Scared as hell is what I was. You know, scared as hell.

Just make sure you land those punches and, you know, and and try to act tough. So I I distanced people as much as I could. I was really I've always been afraid to let people inside, let people really know what I'm like because I I was absolutely sure that if told people or let people know who I was, they wouldn't like me. I mean, I know what I am. I'm a I'm a frightened, I'm a scared, insecure, inadequate person, and that's the way I felt my entire life.

Something happened. As I said, I was a freeze dried alcoholic. Sometime around age, age 14, I got the opportunity to drink. I can't tell you the first time I drank liquor. I know there's a lot of occasions where I drank liquor, but I can tell you the first time I recall today getting drunk.

I had an opportunity to go out. There was this girl that I I lusted after. And, I had this crush on her. It was terrible, and I didn't get the picture. I was I was I was pretty stupid too.

I, I didn't get the picture. She had a boyfriend who was a wing nut. Forgive me for those who are in the air force. Whatever. Leave it to Ryan.

Anyway, he was in he was in the air force and, he was old enough to buy liquor and they bought me a bottle of, Smirnoff vodka. And, I proceeded to lay down in this bed and drink vodka like it was water. And I tell you what, when you don't have an alcohol tolerance, it's not even 15 minutes before I'm starting to slur. And I couldn't crawl out of bed. And I was, like, they were dragging me to use the bathroom.

You know, this girl that I like is holding me up while I pee. I just but you know what? That night no. That night, it was awesome. It was awesome.

I was like, I can't even pee by myself. I'm just so proud. So proud. The next day, I was I was mortified, and I was embarrassed. But that night, I was just the coolest guy.

And these people that were in the air you know, they were I'm sure they were shooting me funny. Looks like who is this dweeb? But I felt like I was part of that group. I felt like I fit in, and I you know, I don't know. In my mind, I I'm sure I imagine that she really liked me a lot.

But that was the first time I really recall alcohol doing something for me, and and to me. And I man, I love what alcohol does for me. Alcohol is a was is the 2nd best solution I know to alcoholism, man. I drink some liquor and, and a sense of ease and comfort the book describes comes over me. In fact, I'm almost inclined to believe that I don't have to get the liquor in my system before that sense of ease and comfort starts to come because I know what's going to come.

Before I sobered up, my my hangout was this little bar called the Roundup. It was yeah. Corey knows. The Roundup. Yeah.

It was a it was a dive. It was a hole in the wall, but they sold coronas for $2 a pop, and I like that. The bartender there was a was a, you know, was a grave kind of, an alcoholic. He's I don't know. Honestly, I don't think he's sober if he's if he's even alive.

But, you know, we clicked and I I drank there a lot. But I remember when I'd walk into the beer, it was kinda like cheer or walking to the bar was kinda like cheers. I walk in there and, the first thing you do would put out 2 coronas for me, and I'd I'd pound the 1st corona. I swear I felt comfort as that first corona started going in. Now I know scientifically the alcohol had not reached my head in great enough proportion for me to feel that sense of ease and comfort.

But I knew what was coming down the pipe. You know? I knew. I knew that in a few minutes, I'm gonna be able to sigh that breath of relief, and I'm going to be on my way. And, that's what alcohol does for me.

I am mortified in pain, just absolute pain to walk around amongst other people because I'm just so insecure and so self centered, so self centered. And, but, man, you get some liquor in me, it doesn't change much of the self centeredness, but I'm comfortable. I am comfortable, and I absolutely enjoy drinking. Unfortunately, for me, consequences come as a result of it. You know, I I didn't get in trouble the first time I well, I got in trouble the first time I drink, but I didn't get in trouble right away.

I mean, I was one of those guys that I enjoyed drinking and, you know, we'd we were careful about it. I'd we'd plan out our weekend and we make sure we went and drunk places so that we wouldn't get caught and stuff growing up. And, you know, every once in a while, we get busted or whatever, but it was never anything it was never anything, anything terrible. But around age, around age 18, things started spiraling out of control. I, I had I was in my 5th year of high school, because I don't like doing homework.

I don't like listening to teachers, and I don't like having to do anything anyone tells me. So I was in my 5th year of high school when I was, I was attending a place called Cirrus River Campus, which is an actual it's an alternative school. I'm sure a lot of people are aware what that is. It's where people like me go when you can't sit through class without getting in a fight or swearing at the teacher or throwing a scene. And I would I I I graduated because I would get stoned every morning, and I would just stare at my homework.

And I don't know how it got done, but I I got done. I I basically I got stoned through class and and I I managed to complete school, when I was, just turning 19 years old. And, that year was terrible. I got in trouble with the police. I got in trouble at home.

My mom and dad were just getting frustrated with me. Now mind you, my parents had endured a lot by this time. You know, I said at age 11 I'd gone to the psych ward. That was my first trip to the psych ward. I made 4 other subsequent trips to different psych wards along with a year and a half, trip to, Dakota Boys Ranch in Minot.

So my parents were just god. I really feel bad for what I put them through. You know? I really do. They endured a lot.

And, I know there were nights my mom just cried herself to sleep. I was a really terrible son, and I I didn't I didn't wanna be a bad kid. I just couldn't handle being what they wanted me to be. I couldn't handle going to school and doing this good grade stuff and try to be mister popular and playing sports. That just that took too much out of me.

You know? So I I was 19. I was miserable. I I didn't know where to go. My parents were absolutely fed up with me.

And around that time, I was introduced to, introduced to cocaine. And I gotta tell you that's I'm I'm a firm believer in talking alcoholics, not just from the podium, but it's part of my story. I fell in love with cocaine. I love cocaine. Cocaine was another miracle thing.

It allowed me to drink for a long time. It was good. I'm I'm an alcoholic to the core. I could consider myself a junkie just the same, but, I don't crave cocaine today. But I tell you what, when my first couple years of sobriety, there were days where I just thought about drinking.

You know? It wasn't about, I'd like to go out and get myself some foil and smoke some cocaine. It was like, I'd like to go out and get drunk. I'd like to go out and get drunk right now and not have to deal with this. So, cocaine really sped up the process.

What I had for what I believed was manageable at the time quickly slipped off. I I wasn't able to keep a job. Heck, I don't think I had a job, a solid job that I stayed with that wasn't like one of those, you know, odd jobs. I'm gonna do roofing for 3 days here, and then I'm gonna go try this other construction job, and then they're gonna kick me out and say you can't come to work drunk like that, and you can't try to bury cameras in people's heads. You need to go over here.

And, I couldn't keep a straight job. I couldn't make any money. I was dealing dope at the time. I thought I was I thought I was mister Big. You know?

God, I thought I had everything figured out during the day anyway. At night, I'm the kind of guy that lays awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, plotting how I'm gonna fix my life the next day. You know? I mean, I I don't know. I I can't imagine how many times I laid in bed thinking, you know, tomorrow I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna go get a real job.

And I'm not gonna get drunk tomorrow morning. Nope. Not gonna get not even touching the bong in the morning. I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna go get a job and I'm gonna attend that job. I mean, I'm gonna I'm gonna work my butt off and I'm gonna get some money.

I'm gonna pay off that fine that I've got a branch warrant for. And I'm gonna go pay my mom back some money because she keeps heckling me. Maybe then she'll let me hang out in the house a little longer and she won't give me that look that she gives me. And I'll make her proud, you know. I really wanted to be a good person.

I just, man, when I need to get what I need to get, I cannot follow through with those kind of commitments. So long story short, age 19 to 21 is a blur. It's an absolute blur. I could tell you a lot of funny stories. I don't wanna tell too many of them.

I'm I'm, Matt h, and Kirsten h live across the street. I they live across the street from a trailer court that was, known at the time to me as Mexiville. It's where a lot of, a lot of Mexican families lived in. I remember I remember when they bought the house, actually, I was driving down the street. I'm like, oh my god.

I remember this street. I used to I used to go down to leave mine and go down to Fargo and and trade, trade money and and and guns and stuff for dope. Right there across the street. Like, I think the same trailers I can't remember the trailer because that was a blur, but I think it's the same trailer still there. And I sold drugs all the time.

I I I have all sorts of great stories on how I made a mess of myself and OD'd and, and got in trouble with the law. I woke up one morning with a with a a couch full of of weapons that were stolen from some ex Fed's house in Minot. I remember thinking, oh my god. How in the hell do these get here? I don't know what to do.

I gotta I I let's put it this way. I was very I was very fortunate. My dad had a good lawyer. He, he ran for state's attorney, and the guy must have had some I never I don't I paid it, whatever you give your lawyer at the beginning. It was like a $15,000 retainer fee or whatever.

And I think that's all he ever charged me for, for helping me out of all the trouble I got in. But I never went to jail for it. I quick story before I get on to where I sobered up. Last week, I got a phone call, cell phone call. And I was sitting at my office doing my work, and the guy gets on the phone and says, hi.

Boy Galgroot here. I think, boy Galgroot, who the hell is boy that name sounds so familiar. And it dawns on me, boy Galgroot, 10 years ago, I hung up the phone on him. I told him, do your own effing homework. I thought, that's the detective that wanted to arrest me for those burglaries.

Holy crap. Why is he calling me? I kept thinking all the I mean, my head starts spinning. I'm like, and and this is all I swear it probably only took 3 seconds at best before I responded to him, but it seemed like an eternity. And it was like everything caught up.

I'm thinking, that's it. The jig's up. 7 year sobriety. This is this is what the big book talks about. You gotta pay the pay the pay the time for the crime.

I'm gonna have to go to jail. And I'm like, of course, I remember you, boy. How are you doing? It's like, I'm doing great. So, I got your brother in the back seat here and I'm thinking, he snitched?

My brother. He snitched on me for something. But it turns out that Boyd is doing transport for the state now, and my brother who is incarcerated, incarcerated I love that word. My brother who's incarcerated, was getting transported across the state. So anyway, I I picked up some stuff.

I shook hands with this guy that absolutely hated my guts, and I I'm clean with that now. I'd had a chance to make some brief amends to him, so good thing. Anyway yeah. It's awesome. So I'm 21 years old.

I'm miserable, and, I don't really know where to go anymore. And, you know, I'm sure everyone's got a similar story. I was running out of areas. I was running out of places to go. I was running out of of, of, running out of things to do.

I didn't really know how to fix my life. And I woke up one morning, no different than any other morning, blackout drunk, woke up in some closet, chairs wrapped around me, all messed up, lost my dope, lost my money. Seem to remember picking a fight with that guy at the bar, and, and I walked down the street because I didn't even know if I was in mind it anymore. I walk down the street, and I I I recognized this professional building. I wanted to make a phone call and told my brother, come pick me up.

And when he shows up, he's like, dude, that's CDU. And I swear at the moment as distorted as my perception was, it seemed like the rays of the clouds opened up and rays of light shown down. It was like, I need to go to treatment. Now my thought was I need to get a handle on this drinking. In fact, I'd stopped by a friend's house and said, Jeff, don't worry about it, Jeff.

I tell you, I'm not gonna quit smoking dope. I'm just gonna get a handle on this drinking thing. And, and I I swear to you, I meant it. I absolutely meant it. I just I honestly thought at that point that I could I could get a handle on my liquor.

I could control it. I could manage it. I could deal with this not blacking out and getting in trouble and going to jail and so forth. And, I went to treatment, and, it's a mystery. I I was talking to my mom.

My mom worked at the hospital, so she's privy to my records, and she brought me in there. She, she brought me to treatment that day. I quit drinking that night. I don't know. Midnight, 1, 2, something like that.

But the next day when I went in around noon, I still had point what is it? Point o 3. I still was a so I know I was I was a walking liquor store. I was so sick and so miserable. They had me in valium for a couple weeks.

And I I came to in a in a treatment center, and it dawned me one day. I'm like, oh my god. I'm in treatment. I am in treatment. And I'd say that a couple times because I was sitting in a meeting, and I'm I just kinda came to.

And and I thought to myself, you know, because I've been mind you, I've been in treatment facilities, not maybe not CDU, but I've been in psych wards. I know how to play the game. I know how to I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I think I'm going to be able to be okay now. You know, I know how to play these guys.

But there was something going on. Apparently, someone had gotten through to me, and I was I was really starting to contemplate the whole staying completely clean deal. That Saturday, that Saturday, the Minet Thursday night group, which was my original home group in Minet, showed up to the doors. And, Gerard Tee, Rosie Cheek and all came in, goofy as hell, loved the guy to death. He came in and that guy that guy talked about how he felt.

Now, in my circle of friends, old friends, mind you, we didn't talk about how we felt. It wasn't, you know, I woke up this morning feeling so remorseful and so insecure. I didn't know what to do, so I got on my knees and prayed. We didn't talk like that. That gets you beat up.

But your eyes up there talking like that. You know, some days I wake up just absolutely petrified, absolutely scared. I was I mean, I was just I locked on target. I listened to I was I mean, I was just I locked on target. I listened to everything that guy had to say.

And, and that night, you know, he, he just like we do at our meeting here, he approached me, and he stuck his hand out, and he suckered me into some coffee and and told me he wanted to hang out with me. And and, I was game. I had nothing else to do. I really had I had nowhere else to go. And, for the 1st couple months, Gerard dragged me around the meetings of all callers anonymous.

He dragged me around when and, mind you, when I sobered up, to give you the visual, I had my sideburns had I shaved down into blades that came down on my jaw, kind of Wolverine ish, but really pointy. And this big OT, and I had my hair was down to here, but it was cut like Jason Newstead. So it was a bowl cut and it was ponytail and I wore a drug rug all the time and a bandana. And Gerard was a preppy boy. I mean, he was going to college.

He looked clean-cut. I can't imagine if people watched me and him walking into a store together thinking what the hell those 2 have in common. But he was he was dragging me after Burger King in meetings, and, he was getting me involved with people. And I remember I showed up at Ron r's house and and, Ron R, a good member of a at the time said, hey. You know, come on in.

And I was like, Gerard, I can't go. I don't know this guy. I can't go into here. He's like, dude, we're all friends here. Just come on in.

He drugged me in and got me involved with the fellowship. And I think at that point, I had really surrendered to almost everything. I'd surrendered to the idea that I'd have to take a job and work consistently. I'd surrendered to the idea that I was gonna have to attend regular meetings, that I was gonna have to meet with the sponsor, that I was gonna have to do these steps. But something that I did not surrender, something that I I couldn't surrender at the time was my opinion.

I wanted to believe that I was the smartest guy around. And when I think like that and think that I have the answers, I don't ask my sponsor for advice because I know the answer. And what happened is my sponsor said, Mike, I don't think you should take that job out there working with those guys that smoke dope. And I said, I'll be fine. I understand what you're saying.

I really understand what you're saying, Gerard, but I need this job. And, you know, he shook his head, and, what happened was I ended up using. I used this over and over again. And and, September 17th was, it was a cold day out. I don't know why it was so cold, but we were moving to be I was a beekeeper.

I'd come to meetings with my face half sworn. And, I remember sitting in this vehicle, and I had gotten stoned. I don't know how many days before. I was just miserable. I can't hold this thing together.

I can't seem to stay sober. And, I remember sitting in my vehicle, and I don't I don't think I've shared this in the podium before, maybe a long time ago. But I remember sitting in that vehicle, and, it was Rick and Chad, these 2 guys I worked with. And Rick was passing this one hit this little hitter down bat down to Chad, and I thought, here it goes again. I'm gonna get stoned again.

I'm gonna regret it. I knew the cycle. I mean, it was it was plain as day to me. I'm gonna use I'm not gonna get the effect that I want because I'm so agitated and so upset about not being able to stay sober that I'm gonna be miserable the whole time and I'm gonna be remorseful and I can't seem to break out of the cycle. And, it came to Chad and I thought, well, here it goes.

I don't know what hit my mind at that moment, but I put my hands together and I looked out the window and I looked up and I said a prayer. I said the thirst that prayer and I asked God to remove the obsession. And I have not had that obsession, that same obsession ever since. I didn't need to use that day. I went to a round up that weekend down here in Fargo, and, I met up with some people that were just just sick AA Nazis.

They were all about AAA AAA AAA. BABA BABA brought me down, I believe, that time left me down there alone. No. He didn't completely abandon me. I found a ride back.

But, I, I got involved. I got involved. I don't know how else to put it. I started surrendering my opinion too. I started saying you're right.

I probably don't have the best idea. I started I succumb to the fact that I just don't make very good decisions when it when it comes to my life. I'm getting better at it, which is a good thing, but I still run everything by my sponsor. I remember telling my mom too. My mom is not alcoholic, has no idea what I do in this program other than the fact that I'm sober and she absolutely loves you guys.

But I was trying to tell her, I need to I was gonna go I need to I need to go buy that, but it's it's like $25. I'm gonna call Gerard. You're gonna call Gerard? I'm gonna call Gerard. Why are you gonna call Gerard?

Well, cause I need to know if I should buy this. She totally doesn't you're gonna ask your sponsor if you should go buy something. Well, yeah. When are you gonna start making your own decisions? I'm thinking, this is a dangerous conversation for a guy like me.

Sometime, mom. Sometime I need to scurry out of the room, but, I, I got involved in AA. I got a job in my home group. I started hanging out with people, and, eventually, what happened is I, I, I got another sponsor. I got, Jeff v, who who I owe the man my life.

He, he told me what I needed to hear, what I needed to hear, and wasn't afraid of of being an enemy in a sense. I mean, he wasn't about being my friend. He was about being my sponsor. He laid down the smack and had the unique knack. I know a lot of people have said it'd be as a knack of, telling me to go to hell, and I'm I'm happy to go there.

It's just like, thank you, Jeff. Thank you. I just I took his advice. His voice was stronger than my head and that's exactly what I needed. I needed someone that could tell me what I needed to do and give me give me good descriptions of what I needed to do because it left my own devices.

I'll twist whatever you tell me into whatever I want it to be. But he gave me descriptions that you do this, this, and this, and you say these things, and you'd be okay. And I did it, and my life started getting better. I ended up moving to Fargo 99. I came down to Northern Plains Group.

Had had been around for about 5, 6 months, something like that. And, the guy, the group was small. This group is absolutely huge compared to what it was. I think there was 35 people back then, 45 people. It was so tiny.

A newcomer would show up in the whole, you know, circle. It's like vultures surrounding the new guy. He couldn't breathe. You know? It's like, let the guy breathe.

But I I got involved and I moved down here and I hooked up with the Northern Plains Group and, I'll be damned, you know? I I I I've learned to take the principles that were given to me in, in the steps in in in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous and apply them in my life. I've been able to apply the traditions in my home life. Been able to apply the steps traditions in my work life. I kept a job for 3 years.

I got a job at a computer place, and I didn't quit. It's amazing how long you can keep a job if you don't quit the minute you don't think things are going your way. When I showed up to work on time, and I shook people's hands, and I smiled a lot, and and just if I didn't have the answer, I said, I don't know. And I'll be damned. They kept me, and they promoted me, which was even more baffling.

And that's what's worked. I've taken what I learned in AA, and I've applied it everywhere that I can apply it. I'm open to trying all sorts of new new thing. I'm I've been thinking about doing some Toast masters. I'm apps I might not seem it, but I'm petrified of being in the podium.

I've never liked speaking in public. Never liked it one bit. I don't like the fact that everyone's paying attention to me right now. Most of you are thinking about yourselves. I know that, but you're looking up here anyway.

So perception. But just a little bit about my life today. I'm happily married. I've got 2 beautiful children. I've got a roof over my head that's being paid for by a company that pays me more than I'm worth.

I, I've got this relationship with God today that it's amazing. I, it's not always on target and it's not I'm not always plugged in. But today, I'd I'd have to say that God has absolutely blessed me. He's absolutely blessed me. I don't deserve what I have today.

I really don't. I don't deserve it. If I got what I deserved, I'd be sitting in the pen. Me and me and Lee here, we'd be hanging out in the pen together. Because that's what I that's the kind of person I am.

I lie, steal, I cheat. You know? I'd I'd sell the shirt off your back in front of you if I could. That's the kind of guy I am, but AA has taught me how to, how to behave like a man and how to how to treat other people with respect and dignity. One of the valuable lessons I learned in AA was that you need to treat people with respect, regardless of what you think of them.

It's not about how I treat you isn't about what I think of you. It's about who I am. And, it took me a while to get that. You know? I used to well, he's a he's a pig.

I don't like him. You know, go around assassinating for the next 6 years and never wanna make an amend. And today, I've learned to just, you know, learn to shut your mouth. You know? Talk to your sponsor about it.

Talk to people that can help you through resentments and and deal with it. And, man, my life is different today. I, I wake up in the morning and I don't hate who I am. I go to work and I work with a bunch of we have enough people in my where I work upstairs to have a meeting every morning, a big meeting. And, I work with a bunch of drunks and, you know, we don't throw fists up there, which is just absolutely amazing because there's a lot of alcoholism up there.

I work with a a great group of people. I've got a I've got people that I sponsor and I work with, to keep me in line and and hold me accountable just like my sponsor does. My sponsor today is Bruce c out of Eau Claire. He told me to tell him on high. One more message.

I got just before I spoke here tonight, I got a phone call from my little brother. He's, he's in Saint Cloud right now, ready to serve his time in Minnesota. He's got another year and a half sitting above his head, And, he told me to tell all of you I I wanted so badly. It was it was out of place, so I couldn't do it, but he wanted so badly. I wanted to turn on the mic and and let him speak into it here and tell everyone.

He's like, tell them that it doesn't get any better on the other side. So I've done my part there. Today, my god has got to be bigger than a doorknob. He's gotta be stronger than my sponsor. My idea and concept to God God today, is a loving, caring, merciful God.

I I do not deserve what I have today, and it's only, I think, through through, through his blessing, through mercy, and through grace that I have what I have. I don't deserve it. I'm not a wonderful man today. I'm I'm still working on a whole whole different set of problems today. I've got the steps in my life.

I've got the I've got the steps and traditions in my marriage. My wife's in Al Anon. God bless Al Anon. For those of you for those of you that sit around, conferences, I know because I was one of you. The sit around conferences and blackball Al Anon.

I don't wanna listen to Al Anon speaker. They're gonna get all crying, crying, cry. I gotta tell you, man. Al Anon works. My marriage has gotten so much better as a result of Al Anon.

I will never ever speak another harsh word against Al Anon. And for those of you that doubt, come talk to me. Al Anon has got my utmost respect. I love the Northern Plains group. I love all of you.

I've got wonderful friendships and relationships today that that I never would have imagined never would have imagined my wildest dreams that I have. I can talk to people today about all sorts of fears and and insecurities and and, and I'm connected. You know? I'm really connected. I'm part of something so much bigger than myself that I can just be absorbed by.

I don't have to be I've learned today I don't have to be the leader of anything. I can just be the little guy that runs around and does his little part, and I can be the, I can be the middle man. You know? I don't have to be the the big shot. I'm so grateful for Anonymous.

I wanna thank, I wanna thank Kenny for asking me to, for asking me to, speak tonight. I've been dreading it for the last year. I thought I got out of it, but apparently, I didn't. I'm really grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm grateful to God for, for the direction and wisdom that I've gotten through my spot through from him through my sponsor.

And, and, thank you so much. Thank you, AAA, for my life.