The Northern Plains Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Fargo, ND

My name is Dustin Leingang. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Dustin. I've, I've been sober due to the grace of God and this meeting, my sponsor since December 7, 2001. I, before I start here, I found a gold button out by the smoking area.

So if your code is missing a gold button, I'm gonna put it right up here. If it's not your gold button, don't touch it. Thanks, Dave, for asking me to share. It's it's always it feels good to get up. It it it's just nice to be a part of my home group to do anything, you know, whether it's picking up gold buttons or cigarette butts or, eating cookies, whatever it is, you know.

Laura and Nate did a great job. I my dad carried me into my house, the my first drunk. And, you know, I mean, not nothing about my family or the way I was raised or, the things I had or the school I went to or or being or maybe being Catholic a little bit had to do with, you know, how I turned out. But I mean, they're really they're really they're really wasn't a lot of anything on the outside. You know, this is all in hindsight, of course, but nothing that that could have been given to me or or shown to me or, my parents could have done for me would have changed the way I turned out.

I believe that, I was born with with definite alcoholic tendencies. I don't know when I became officially alcoholic, but I have alcoholism. And I don't know when I got it. I didn't get it because I have 13 generations of alcoholism in my family. I mean, I got it.

I just got it. I got it because alcohol works for me the way it does. Raised like I said, raised Catholic, didn't really care at the time. It was, well, whatever. You know, you go to church twice a week and that's what you do.

Didn't know that they were trying to teach me about a god that loved me. Didn't know that they were trying to teach me about anything. We just try to make up, like, funny words to the songs in church, you know, so we'd laugh, you know, dirty words. You know? So church would be fun.

You know? I mean, you gotta do something. You're like 8. You know? But, I I grew up.

You know, my my my folks were together till my dad passed away and my very loving family, very my dad busted his tail to give us what we needed in life. Went back to school shortly after I was born, got a great job. I mean, that he did he was a provider, you know. My mom worked, still works at the same job. I mean, I don't know.

There's nothing you look at my family and it's like I wasn't abused or beat or a lot of times I thought maybe I should have been just so I could, like, pin this feeling. I I walk around with this feeling of of everyone's looking at me thinking stop judging. Right? But, everyone's looking at me all the time and I'm never measuring up, you know. I was playing catch up all through school and I was I was a day late, you know.

I'm a big harbor of resentment. I I still have yet to to, find find Sean from kindergarten and let him know that I'm not mad about his big crayons anymore. And for those that don't know the story behind the big crayons, I can't I had a a box of crayons and I was ready. The big box, 128, every color of burnt sienna and I mean, like, everything with sharpener in the back and, and Sean shows up with 5 crayons, but they're huge. And everybody everybody hung out with Sean, because he had big crayons.

And, and if I ever do run into Sean, I'll make sure that I let him know that he's okay in my book nowadays. But that's an example of thing. I mean, that made my 4 step. We're talking 16 years later. I'm writing about Sean and his big crayons about making my life miserable, you know.

But that's what I do. I look at what you got and then I think about how I feel and it's like, what you have must be making you feel better than me because you look like you're doing a lot better than me, you know. I don't feel good looking. I don't feel smart. I don't feel, I I could conversation.

I can't do that. You know, I mean, it's these are all things that are really hard for me to do. Normal life, you know. And I don't remember being hard as a kid, but just looking back, I mean, I probably fit in well. I probably would've got along fine if I would've quit worrying about it and trying to change things, you know.

I was a big liar, you know. I had all the video games and I was the best at everything until someone came over and played me, you know. I mean, I envied 1 guy, one friend of mine, the guy actually who I had my first drink with, get beef jerky all the time. And I was like, oh, his life's so good because his dad gets some beef jerky. Sucks.

My mom, just I hate her. She can be jerky. But I just I never worked. I never worked anywhere. I couldn't I couldn't figure it out.

I don't know when I took my first drink. Well, I I know when I took my first drink to get drunk. I mean, I I'd sneak sips of dad's beer, whatever. And and I remember drinking mouthwash because I read that it had alcohol in it. My I mean, my first official whatever.

I just remember getting sick. I don't remember getting really drunk. But the, the first time I ever drank, I was with 2 guys that used to 1 guy used to beat me up after I get off the bus. Emotional. I just I used to get beat up a lot.

But, every day after school, I get off the bus and and he lived up a block after me. So I knew if he was getting up to get off at my street, I had to start running. I had to start running as soon as I have a bus. Anyhow, it's caught me, and he pinned me down and, you know, I didn't get a black eye or anything, but he just tortured me all the time, you know. And this guy, I was hanging out with these 2 guys, both in my neighborhood, both older, you know, couple years older than me.

I was like 12 or something and and, we got drunk. He called his brother up. His brother brought us over some peppermint schnapps and some hot damn. And, I mean, I earlier in the day, I took a handful of mini things. And, I I mean, I think I was doing drugs way before I started drinking, but, so I was already higher than a kite and and I take this alcohol.

And and it's the first time that I mean, alcohol worked for me from the get go. I don't think I was alcoholic necessarily right there, but, I remember going in the living room and sitting down in in his his mom's chair, and it just I didn't care what they were doing. I didn't care anymore. I mean, I really felt like, okay. This is it.

You know? And I didn't think, oh, I'm gonna do this all the time, but I just the the feeling is so indescribable. And for those alcoholics in the room, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But you just feel okay. It's like, alright, you know.

And, Catholic, like I mentioned, so we go to church 4 PM Saturdays. Went home, puked in the car on the way to church. Parents smelled it, took me home, you know, laid me down in the chair, put a blanket on me. And and I looked at him and I meant it when I said I'd never do it again. I mean, I I was sick.

I got really sick. And, and I didn't I didn't wanna feel that way, you know. But when I woke up, I didn't have those feelings anymore. I didn't feel sick. All I remember is that Ross and Brock were cool to me.

I mean, they were great. And then I don't remember what we talked about or nothing great happened. We just sat there and had some drinks. And, but I felt great doing it, you know. I really I I truly believe that, we all know we all know, have goals in our lives, you know.

And a lot of people have said it from the podium and and and and my story is no different, you know. I mean, because of of the the decisions I made, I I chose to do the things that I said I'd never do, and and they replaced the things that I wanted to become in my life, you know. There's a lot of things that I did in my life not because of alcohol, but just because I I was becoming who I was, you know. Alcohol helped me trade the things that were really valuable in my life for the things that made me feel good in life. And just like Nate said, I chased that feeling all the time, you know.

I mean, alcoholism is my disease, but I have a passion for needles. I have a passion for drugs. Anything illegal, stealing, you know, breaking into houses, you know, roll rolling cars down hills and watching them crash into the garage, you know. I mean, any any I mean, it bruises. I love I love to do things that I'm not supposed to do.

I'm an alcoholic because when I when I drink alcohol, I'm okay. Nothing nothing ever made me feel okay. I mean, it gave me excitement, drugs, and booze, and and or drugs and and stealing and all that other stuff is excitement, but nothing ever made me feel okay, like, boosted all the time, you know. You'll hear a lot of speakers talk about how alcohol was there all the time. They did a lot of dope and they did a lot whatever, but alcohol was there all the time and and I'm no different.

Got in with the the cool crowd, you know, the big stereos and the skipping school and the smoking. Well, I I remember the first day I smoked. I mean, I was the coolest cat in the alley behind the junior high. I mean, it was a Vantage non filter. It was sunny day.

It's almost like first drink. But I mean, that's I got in with the cool people, you know, And I still didn't fit. I did everything they did, and I still didn't fit. I bought drugs. I sold drugs.

I did drugs. I drank. I went to their parties. I stayed out late. I ran from the police.

I, you know, did whatever they did, you know, and I still didn't fit. So, consequences, you know. Laura talked about getting a lot of consequences and and and I I too, you know, I was on probation since I was 14. Counselors, no treatments. I could always talk my way out of stuff.

I've always been a a good manipulator, you know. I'd say, well, let's not look at this minor and this drug charge. Let's look over here and I'm working part time at KFC. I have c's and d's in school. I'm getting grades, you know, like, I'm doing okay.

My parents are paying my car insurance. I have a car that's insured. Yeah. I I mean, these are the good things I got going on my life. Never mind this over here.

Never mind this. And at the time, I didn't know that that's that was destroying my life. The things I was doing and the things I was trading to do, what made me feel good was destroying my life. And, it's only coming in Alcoholics Anonymous where I realized, what I had given up and how much time I had lost trying to trying to chase that. I'm gonna feel better.

I'm I mean, I'm just tomorrow. Tomorrow is gonna be different, you know. I don't know how many nights I just laid in bed miserable knowing that my mom was upstairs talking to my dad, you know. I mean, they're trying to figure out what's wrong with me. And I'm down there like, I something is wrong, you know.

I mean, it was I was 18 years old and and, you know, barely graduated high school and went through that drunk high everything, you know. I mean, I don't know. And I remember 18, and I just you know what? I'm an alcoholic. I didn't know what that meant.

K. So I'm alcoholic. And, you know, I thought at the time that alcoholics were people who showed up to parties early and drank really fast and puked really oh, I was a puker. I loved to puke, you know. I don't know which one you guys talked about throwing up, but, man, puking, I mean, in moving vehicle.

And we go to a party. Me and my buddy Ben would go to a party and find the highest point that we could throw up off of and puke roofs, decks, outer windows, moving vehicles. I mean, anywhere exciting. A toilet is so boring, you know. And, and I I was just oh, I was enthusiastic about throwing up.

It was great. But, you know, this stuff, 18, you know, I thought that's what an alcoholic was, you know. So I I drink too much, but I I drink I have more fun than everyone else. I feel better than everyone else, you know. Every everything everybody girls would let you know, they the beers would get warm and they'd slow down and, oh, I'm getting drunk, and it's like, it's kinda the point why we're drinking, you know.

We're drinking this for a reason. Not just trying to be social or anything. Let's get wasted. And I don't know. That's the way I drink.

It never got better. It only got worse all the time. There was never a a party that I went to, or a a drink that I took or I mean, I can't remember any time where I sat down to get lubricated socially, you know. I mean, I just I got wasted. But, 18.

K. 18, I'm an alcoholic. I think an alcoholic is just someone who's having more fun in life. So I continue to do that. The police were waiting for me to turn 18.

I turned 18 and I get arrested every 2 months, every 6 weeks, something. I'm getting some kind of charge, some kind of consequence. Still, I mean, still talking my way out of it. I'm still I'm delivering pizzas now. Look at how good I'm doing.

You know, I've pro KFC to pizzas. I'm out driving in society. Still seeing this counselor, you know, this poor lady, bless her heart, she's like, well, why don't you just not drink? That's a good idea. I might try that tonight, you know, and I just get in my car and start drinking as I'm leaving her parking lot, you know, or why don't I take O'Doul's?

And it's like, I'm gonna be a loser if I take O'Doul's, you know, like, I need alcohol. But, you know, to wrap it up, I got arrested a lot and, never knew. I I never knew. I I had no clue the pain I was putting the people who love me most through. I I still don't know to this day.

I can't relate, you know. I'm sure I'll find out when I have kids. But, I mean, so many people try to do so much stuff for me all the time. There was hands held out to me all the time, and I I don't need it. I know what's best for me.

I'll figure this out. This isn't a problem. I had an excuse every day for why I could continue to do the things I was doing. Because it was so important for me that I not feel miserable, you know. And and after when I turned 18, the reason, you know, this whole, I'm an alcoholic thing came about is because I knew that I couldn't stop.

I knew there was no living with without alcohol. Everything else can come and go. You know, the dope runs dry in town and and, stealing gets you in a little trouble, you know, you start burning down motor homes and people start asking questions and you you gotta give it up, you know. But alcohol was always there and it was easy to get at 18 years old. I mean, there was you get drunk all the time, but I knew that I just that's what I wanted to do, you know.

So rather than probably admitting being an alcoholic, I was more, like, just giving up any thought of ever being sober, you know. It started to work less and less and less the way it used to work. You know, it used to be exciting to go and get drunk, go to a party, and what's gonna happen? Well, by this time, I knew what was gonna happen. I was gonna get drunk, and that was it.

And then I couldn't even get drunk anymore, you know. The thing that got me here to Fargo and into treatment and sober got you know, arrested arrested arrested arrested. Finally, my PO says you're not listening to anybody. We're gonna send you to prison. And, I had about two and a half years of suspended time over my head, and all I got was a minor.

And and it was like, I'm not going to prison for minors. You know? I would I mean, I wasn't all calm. I was crying, and I was throwing a fit in her office. And I was just like, you can't send me a prison.

You know what they do to young people in prison. And she yeah. And so she's like, okay. Treatment then. We'll go you go to a treatment.

But you gotta get out of town and it's gotta be impatient. You gotta be somewhere where you can get locked up and you're not gonna get out. So here I Fargo, here I come, you know. And, and a week before I came down here, I mean, the this still I mean, the the worst thing I think I've ever done, I've stole a lot of money and I've robbed a lot of people and I've hurt people. And I've you know?

But I I hit my mom. My mother and I got into a fight and she's a tiny lady. And and she hit me, and I I thought about it. And and I mean, I just I thought the whole way through and swung and and knocked her across the kitchen. And, and at that point, I was ready.

I mean, that was that was the breaking point. That was the point in my life where I knew, okay, something's gotta change because I can't do this anymore. Went downstairs. I was gonna kill myself because I hated the way I was living. I hated who I'd become.

I didn't have to look in the mirror to see who I was at that moment. My mom, she, you know, I'm I'm not gonna call the police on you. I said, I'll kill you. If you don't get me out of your house, I'm gonna kill you. Call the cops.

I can't do that. I can't do it's like she didn't understand. I mean, I knew how crazy I was and I knew how I had lost it. You know? I mean so a week later anyway, fast forward a week later, they're throwing me this big going away party.

Dusto is going away party, you know. So I go to this party in this crappy concrete wall basement apartment and and nothing changed. I mean, no one cared. I was leaving. I was going to sober up, and you don't care.

I mean, every you know, guys doing dope in that bedroom and and there's girls doing whatever over there. And, I mean, every one did their own thing. No one said goodbye. Not one person. I remember the last last drug I did.

I remember the last beer I drank. And and I don't even know if I finished the beer. I was so disgusted at these, I mean, these people who, you know, I thought I'd made a lot of I I give my life for these guys. I mean, I did I gave up my I gave up my life. I gave up my family.

I gave up any shot at college. I gave up my grades in school. I I gave up any kind of reputation I had in the town I was living to be with these people and to give them my loyalty and my service. And no one said goodbye. It sucked.

It sucked because everything I had believed in my entire life was gone. It was alcohol. It was drugs. I mean, and this that's where where my alcoholism took me, you know. So I came down to Fargo the next day, and I was ready.

I was ready to change. I was ready to do whatever I had to do. And, get into treatment and I decided that I need to be tough guy. So all of a sudden I go from this this junky drunk kid from man into a meth cook. I become a meth cook overnight.

I didn't ever cook a batch of dope in my life and I'm a meth cook. I'm cooking dope all the time back in Mandan. One of the biggest dope cooks around, you know. Telling telling all these I mean, god, I lied a lot when I was new because I was afraid, you know. I was afraid.

I went out and started getting my ears pierced a lot because I thought tough guys wore big earrings, and that lasted, like, 3 months. There's a couple of guys in the group, Patrick and and Robert, who sat me down at coffee and just leveled me and, you know, told me that tough guys don't wear earrings and so I took them out. It's a big moment in my life, letting go of my earrings, you know. I had them for 3 months. They've become a part of me.

But, but, I mean, I guess I don't know. Try to put a moral to that earring story. You know? I mean, like, the moral of the story is change. You need to change in Alcoholics Anonymous.

But I was I mean, things were happening in my life. I was sober now. Still didn't like my mom, still didn't like god, still didn't I mean, I didn't like anything like that. And, and I started acting up in treatment. I started getting in trouble, started running my mouth, started I became the tough guy, you know.

I became the tough guy, and they wanna kick me out, you know. So what do tough guys do when they're in trouble? Anybody? Call mom. That's right.

You call mom. Mom, they're picking. They're gonna kick me out. Do something, you know. So she did, and she she pulled some strings nice.

I you know, I don't know. She got me to stay. They let me stay, but they said you gotta do certain things. And they gave me a meeting list, and it wasn't like, here, pick some meetings and go. It was like, these are highlighted.

You will go to these. You'll be here and here. And the the last thing on the list was get a sponsor. So out of desperation, lack of lack of knowing what I was supposed to do. I mean, I I okay.

Sponsor. I don't know what that is, you know. I've seen movies. But, Paul Paul came and spoke at Sharehouse, leather coat, talking 90. I mean, just like and I knew I I the reason I got my sponsor and and, I mean, I don't care.

I'll recommend this to anybody and it might sound kinda funky, but I think if you're doing anything to get a sponsor, you're doing the right thing. I got Paul as a sponsor because I thought he had a good coke hookup. I still wanted to say sober, but just in case, you know. I had no idea that Paul had, like, 7, 8 months of sobriety, and he had knew the big book through and through. And he was was religiously sponsored by K&T.

I mean, there was, like, I had no idea what I was getting into. And he's like, you're gonna call me every day. We're gonna meet. We're gonna go through the book. And, so I got this book from Paul and and I I went to my job and I was working a crappy customer service job at the time.

So rather than working, I decided to read the big book. And I read it cover to cover in 2 days and I was like, Paul's gonna be so proud. I'm already done. I did it. You know?

I mean, I worked the steps in one day, get to how it works, and you do the steps, but take about 15 minutes, you know. You're doing an inventory and you're like, I've been really, really bad. Step 5, you know, lean over to the girl behind you. I've been really, really bad my entire life. Step 6, I'm ready.

Here we go. You know? I mean, I I I had no clue. I had no clue what I was doing. And I tell Paul I tell Paul and he's like, well, we're gonna do it my way.

And the reason we're gonna do it my way is because my sponsor told me we're gonna do it his way. And, I was like, I I I don't even remember what I said. I I'm pretty sure I wasn't resisting. I never openly resist my sponsors. I just say, okay.

I'll do it. And then I go home and be like, son of a told me to I can't believe they tie my shoes, brush my teeth. You know, I mean, I you know, I'm not gonna do that. But, so we did it. We did it his way, you know.

I called Paul every day. I called I mean, I called him twice a day. I called him for everything, you know. He always answered his phone. And he and and he was never busy, you know.

The guy the guy could have been doing brain surgery, and and and he would have dropped it. The guy could have been attempting brain surgery and he would have dropped it to to answer the phone, you know. I mean, I went to him with the same problem over and over again. You know, her. I went to him with her all the time.

And, and he held my hand through the whole thing, you know. But it was so important, you know. It was so important because I was so stupid, you know. I mean, I'm I don't know. You know?

I I really what can you what can you say? You know? I mean, I see I see a lot of new people come in today and and they think they got the answers and and I I pray for them all, you know. I I hope they get someone as a sponsor who says, you know what? You you're probably right but let's try it this way.

Or even better yet, they say, no, you're dumb. You're gonna do it this way. Because, I mean, admit it, man. You you're here because you're out of answers. I got here because I was done.

I was done trying things. The law was done working with me. My my mom was done, you know. I mean, I got here because there was no other answer. Sponsorship sponsorship has its its definite benefits.

You know? You can whine and complain and they listen. Kelvin was I got Kelvin as know, know, take it all in and you really felt like it I mean, he was gonna he was gonna agree with you. He was gonna take your side this time. I just know this time he's gonna take my side.

Side. Then you get the he leaned back in his computer chair and put his feet up. Here's the deal, Dustin. And as soon as you said here's the deal or this is the deal, I just got mad. I was like, this isn't going my way at all, you know.

Kelvin Kelvin is the sponsor that taught me that, that chocolate will make you forget about any belligerent new guy ever. I was talking to Mike during the break, and Mike's like, yeah. You gotta tell this story. You had a sponsor one time that wasn't doing anything, you know. And that was at the point in my where I was gonna save the world, you know.

I mean, I was like, got these guys, man. And if they don't do what I say, I'm going to hell because, I mean, the whole my whole life depends on me helping everybody, you know. And, so I had to sponsor him, Calvin, this guy won't call me and he's not doing anything and what do I do, you know. How how do I get it through his head that he's gonna die? Probably didn't say that.

It was more like this guy sucks and whatever. But, I'm sure I was more concerned about, like, how I looked, you know. What do I do if I go down to 4 sponsors? Oh, miserable. But, Kelvin's like, here's you know, I want you to get 2 candy bars, your favorite candy bar, Kit Kat, Big Kat, piece of cake.

And, I want you to eat one of them. And then I want you to think of 10 things you're grateful for, and then I want you to eat the other one. So I got 10 candy bars and or no. No. No.

I I said that wrong. I only got 2 candy bars. I wasn't that grateful at the time. I never could've came up with 80 things, you know. So I eat the first one, and it I mean, it would, like, totally calm me down.

It was amazing. You know, like, Chai was, like, it was insane. It worked, you know. So then I had to think of things to be grateful for, and I got, you know, mom, AA, sponsor, blah blah blah, you know, and I I get 8. I have 8 things and nothing else, you know.

I mean, I'm I'm still fairly new. I'm pretty broke. I'm my car I have I have a station wagon. You know, I mean, the so the last 2, the light I was at a red light and the light turned green, and I said I'm grateful for the green light and I'm grateful that I have air in my tires. And I, like, tore that candy bar.

I mean, wrapper flying everywhere and I, like, one bite gone. You know? I mean, I was so desperate to eat that candy bar, but I didn't eat it. I didn't eat it till I had 10 things. But, so sponsorship's cool.

Get a sponsor. Today, where I'm at in Alcoholics Anonymous, in my life wow. I I'm I'm good. I'm really good. I'm good because of Paul and because of Kelvin and because of Mike and Kenny and everybody else.

Adam Adam brought me in my first meeting, you know. I'm good because there's so many people in this room that have done something for me that I haven't asked for, that I had no clue that I needed. I'm I I don't know. I got engaged a couple of 2 month 3 months ago. Sometimes it feels like Kenny's engaged because it's like, what do I do now?

How do I do this? You know, Kenny's been dating her the whole time, and I'm just like, I just show up. But, I mean, that truth truth be told in Alcoholics Anonymous, if you wanna be successful in your job, in your relationships, in your living situation, in in in working with other people, in in anything, stay with your sponsor. Listen to your sponsor. Do what your sponsor tells you to do, you know.

I mean, there's a lot of things that I do in life that I don't think that I mean, it just doesn't fit my personality because I'm too cool, you know. Like, I still got that syndrome going on. Too cool to do that. But I do it, you know. I mean, my life has continued to get better and and this year has been a real real tough year, you know.

I've really, I've really had a heart. I've been been been trying to find God this whole, you know, this past year, 18 months, whatever it's been. I've been trying to find this God that I see in so many people, you know, and and and I still am out there doing what I do, running the show, you know, and and, I'm trying to find God, and and it hurts. You You know, it hurts when you feel alone. It hurts when you feel like the God that got you to 3 years wasn't there when you got to 4 years.

And you wonder, like, what happened? You know? I've been here long enough to know that the problem isn't God. The problem isn't my meetings. The problem is what I'm doing.

But what am I doing wrong? I'm looking. I'm looking. I'm looking. I'm looking.

I'm looking. And, Scott gave a talk last night at the at a meeting and, it's trust, you know. I mean, it all boils down. Where is my trust today? I trust in god until the minute I tie my shoes.

And as soon as I'm out the door, I'm running the show. Here I am getting into the car that the car that's not that mom bought me and just stopped paying for it. You know? I mean, like, going to this job that I don't deserve, seeing this girlfriend that that if she had any I mean, she's smart girl. She just graduated from college, but if she was she doesn't know what she's getting into.

We'll just say that much. But, like, I mean, I have all these good things, you know. You look at all these things I've been given in life, you know. I have great Erin, you know, I've been great friends in this program. People who who everything, you know.

And and yet I'm I'm walking around like, here's Dustin with all the answers, you know. There's nothing that I have that, that I've got on my own, you know. Anything anything that that I am today, the person that I've become has nothing to do with the things that, I've been taught or or the things that I know or the money and whatever, you know. It's it's what I'm doing. What am I doing with my life?

And and when I'm doing the wrong thing, where do I go? Where do I go to make it better? You know, I don't know. The key the key to this thing to anyone that's wondering is is find something to put your trust in. It starts at a meeting.

And if not this one, some other one. Go to a meeting. Trust in that meeting. Get a sponsor. Trust in that sponsor, and let them take you to god.

And, I guarantee you'll never drink again as long as you do that, and, your life will just it'll it'll knock your socks off. So thanks for having me, guys. Appreciate it.