The Southern California Regional Convention

I'm an addict. My name is Glendora. And I'm only clean today because of a loving god's grace and oh soul tender mercy. To Southern California Regional Convention Committee, thank you for I mean, I'm overwhelmed at the crowd. First of all, I I I thought I paid a couple of y'all to go somewhere else, but I see y'all didn't listen and y'all showed up here.

And I'm overwhelmed by the hospitality. This is the first time I've ever been in California and, like, it's the bomb. For the addict that felt that there was no tomorrow. For the addict that felt that hope was long gone. For the addict who felt that one more hit would get him through the feeling.

Welcome to Narcotics Anonymous. We need you. As I said earlier, I'm only clean through a loving God's grace. And I never wanna take that for granted and feel that I'm doing this. See, I've come a long way all over Philadelphia here to celebrate this convention with this committee, and it's an honor today to be able to come out of a driveway that I've stayed in for 13 years.

God is awesome. Narcotics Anonymous, in order for you to identify what stands here before you, you need to know what walked up in here in 1986. They call me chameleon woman. I adapt to any situation depending on who had the money and who had the dope. I'm very good at transforming.

I'm very good at, like, sliding in and being very quiet and observant. I lived to use and I used to live very simply. I'm an addict. I did all things in order to, like, stay out there. I was a good soldier for the disease of addiction.

I recruited real hard. We all needed a few good men. Few good women too. And I stayed up there so long that it felt normal to be in that environment. At some point at the beginning, it was, like, uncomfortable.

But it's amazing how the disease of addiction will transform what was once not normal into what is normal. What I'm saying is I had a home to go to, running water, soap, towels, the whole love, the family, but I made choices. And I wind up at the end of my addiction running around in an abandoned building trying to make furniture out of crates and boxes, inviting most of you in and you coming in in there using buckets to urinate in and finding this place comfortable. They said there's a level of animalistic level that we get to in active addiction. I believe even animals have a sense to some degree how to go home when they hurt or hungry.

I wouldn't even go there then. They didn't like me getting hot with them because I was a creeper. I would always see something coming. I knew it was gonna get me, and somebody was on the roof. They wanted me to go real bad.

And I sit up there so long that, like, all the values that were taught to me as a young girl had long since disappeared. The god of my own my understanding at that time only came in my thoughts when the drugs were running low or the money was running low or my behind was sore from tricking. All of a sudden, it was like, god, please help me. I stayed up there so long, so long, 13 years of trying to fit in in the world that I just didn't feel okay, and the skin I was in was never a comfortable place to be. You always seemed much more happier than me.

It always felt that the world got more than me. I didn't understand why God didn't love me the way he loved you, so I used. And at the end of my run, I was in an abandoned building, doing a job on a guy that required no application, if you know what I mean. And the funniest thing about insanity now that I got a couple of years clean, you can look back on it. I can remember my oldest sister telling my mother, well, you know Glendora is doing a job.

And I ain't gonna say, what job? You know what job. And she charge you $5. And the insanity told me, say, look. Mom, no.

She lying. I charged 10. Never thought there was anything insane in that action. I was a die hard dope fiend. Anything anything that would take me outside of myself, anything that would make me feel okay with you touching my body, anything that would erase the pain of rejection, anything that would make me be alright with the moment, I used.

And I stayed up there for 13 and a half years using. And I hit a bottom, and I'm sorry it was my bottom. And I choose not to add another part to my story. It was bad enough for me. I can remember the very end and this is like the n n n n.

You know how many n's I had? Man. Every weekend, it was the n. Mom, god love her. I love her dearly.

She was one of my greatest enablers. She said, I'm a take you away from here. Geographical change, We're gonna go to Walt Disney World. You're taking an active addict to Walt Disney World. I ain't packed no clothes.

I'll pack my plow for Naya just in case. And the disease of addiction is not impressed by geographical change. It has its own airline. It came right along with me. And I got to Walt Disney World and I'm seeing the sights with no money in my pocket but a burning desire to use, and I'm robbing Walt Disney blind.

I mean, I thought it was like we paid to get in so everything was free. So my little sister was imitating me and I'm thinking I'm showing her the right way to do this thing, like, because she's slow and stealing, like, she's messing up my groove here. We get to the gate. It's a 105 degrees in the shade and, like, we're, like, getting ready to roll out of it with all this paraphernet and all these goodies. And the Keystone cops pulled up on us and said, we wanna talk to you about your shopping habits.

So the good addict that I am, I took advantage of the situation. They made us walk behind Cinderella's pumpkin. So I'm in a parade. I figured out by the way. Hey.

Hey. I knew I was going to jail. I figured I had one good hoopla before I went down. We got backstage and, like, they tell they told us to sit in this room. They call it the Dragnet room.

It had a light bulb. This bit. So I said, I know they can't do nothing with us. And they called in the 2 witnesses that had spotted us picking up the stuff. It was Goofy and, Mickey Mouse.

And Mickey Mouse pointed us out. He didn't say very much. He didn't have too much to say. I guess I So I'm figuring this ain't gonna stick. An amazing thing about the disease of addiction, it locks you into, like, denial.

Now I saw all the television cameras, but I figured they were filming y'all for a video later for HBO, so they wasn't watching me. So he pops in a video cassette and he presses play, and I see me right up in the camera like this. And he said, is that you? I'm like, no. You know we all look alike.

And when they started talking that 1 to 5 Florida penitentiary time, it's amazing how how sanity is restored. And I got humble when I got back to Philadelphia only through a wing and a prayer, and I continued the carpet search. I did all the things that you're thinking right now. I've done them. I used young girls and made them trick in order to get high.

Understand this, in my mind, I figured if they didn't sleep with the man I slept with him, it didn't count as a sin. My thinking. I went out there and I hustled and I did everything. I read books on how to be a prostitute, 101. I stood on the corner.

I was so confused. Everybody else was on Broad Street. I was on Stanton Avenue. Everybody thought I was trying to catch the bus. I'm like, get out of here.

I'm trying to get some. It was a very confusing time of my life. And somewhere in the midst of all that insanity, I lost me. Society brands the crack addict as gray, skinny, and, like, drawn up. I was a big girl.

I'm like, look. I ain't that bad yet. And it's amazing that one person you used to see digging in the trash cans and scratching all the other stuff. You say, if I ever get like that, I'm gonna give it up. All of a sudden, at the end of the day, that's my best.

That's my roadie. That's my boy. That's my girl. Me came we became best friends, and we were scratching and digging and itching and smelling the same. And it's amazing how focus travels around.

You start blaming everybody else when you know it's you. Who's that stinking? It's you. You're the only one in here? Damn.

And you know what's bad when you start getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I remember that addict's last cry, my cry. I remember curling up in a fetal position and, like, locking and holding on to my knees, and there's a feeling that hits the pit of your soul where you say I just can't do this no more. And you cry out and you there's a cry that no producer, no director, no motion picture studio could ever recreate. It's that critic the addict's cry from inside that says, God, please.

Please, if you just hear me this one time, God, please. Please. Please. Can you help me? I don't wanna be here.

I don't even know where here is anymore. I don't feel anymore. I have a way of turning feelings off and on like a light switch. Can you show me out of the darkness? And I didn't believe that the miracles can happen for me because I would see people actually living lives going around, going to work clean and, like, smelling good.

And I couldn't connect with that. The spiritual connection that was disconnected. And I went away. I couldn't take anymore. I went away.

And an attitude of indifference and intolerance and pride and ego will follow you. And I went in this facility and I did the 7 day detox thing. Went in there with my mother's clothes. And I went in there feeling like I'm not as bad as all these other addicts. I'm just sitting here to help them out because they need a little help.

Because I only, look. I only use twice day and night. So it's like no problem really. So I go in this place, and out of 17 women, the man is, like, intaking us. He picked me out of 17.

He said, don't you go up there and mess with them men. I'm like, why me? She looked like she would why didn't I? The second day, he knew. I climbed over the wall and found the men.

And I got in there, and the funniest thing about God is, like, he's so loving. He knows where to hit you at in order to get your attention. I'm on the phone because the disease is telling me check out. You got 2 days clean. You can go back out and do it differently.

And I'm on the phone with my biggest enabler, my mother, and I'm saying to her, these people got abscesses and big holes, and they're scratching, and they're not looking too cool, mom. Can you come get me? Because I'm a be good. If you lock me in in the morning, throw some food in there in the afternoon, and let me out at night, I'll be alright. And mom is feeding into the line.

And I'm sitting here on this phone, and right right across from me, there's this elevator that lets you up to the detox floor. The elevator opens up, and these lights come out. And the guy was sitting there talking to somebody behind him because his back was facing me, and he had on one of them little hospital gowns with the little knot in the back where the booty be showing. And I said, mom, I'm a stay one more day. And I thank God for that booty because, see, The next day, Narcotics Anonymous sent HNI up there, and I got a message of hope.

And I heard some stuff coming out of these attics mouths that I couldn't relate to because I was still in the zone. But all I knew was that they said that they had used like I used. And that they weren't hurting anymore. That they had found a place where they fit in with other addicts just like themselves. And they met regularly.

They did things together. And I didn't understand the concept of, like, getting with someone and not using. All my life had been geared towards using. So when I came into my 1st Narcotics Anonymous meeting, I had 8 days clean. I had a box haircut that was not in style.

I had a prize fighter belt from the thrift store, a pair of bell bottom pants that was definitely played out, some 9 99 shoes that was turned over to ankle because I had stole them and you know how that goes, and I stood there in the back with all the men because y'all know y'all needed me back there to keep y'all, like, calm and cool. And I was on inventory roads checking you out and making sure, like, look, in order for me to feel okay with who I was, I had to look at you because I didn't wanna look at me. And it took an experienced member, a old timer, you know, to come back there and say, you come up here with me. I'm like, you want me? And he said, yeah.

You come on. Come on up here. So I followed him up, and, like, I'm following him like a beacon, and it's amazing. I I told you god is awesome. Because I'm like, dude, we can stop right here.

We don't need to go all the way up front. We can talk right back here. You ain't gotta go why are you going all the way up there? You don't need to go up there. He walked me over to the front row.

I'm like, oh, no. Because see, the thing about being a new member, you wear your feelings on your sleeve, and I felt like the the wind my eyes were the window to my soul. And if you looked at me, you would see all the degradation and all the embarrassment and shame that I've carried with me. And when he took me on that front row, I felt y'all always staring at me and it was gonna be like a conversation on who and why is she here. And y'all all kept hugging.

The women kept hugging and the men kept hugging. And I thought it was a gay convention that y'all passed this basket around. So I knew y'all were a religious organization then. I thought y'all was kind of, like, cultish. I was so confused, but I walked and I followed him because he was cute.

And he set me on the front row, and he said, you need to sit right here. And I'm like, where you gonna sit at? He said, no. You need to sit right here. This is the critical care unit, and you need to be right up here in front.

In Narcotics Anonymous, I have sat on that road for 14 years, and that's how I stay here. So begins the journey. We are miracles. My father told me with 8 days clean that I would never stop using. That I'd be a junkie and die a junkie just like him.

I looked at my father and I didn't know how to say it then because I was afraid that what he was saying was true. I felt that, like, whatever parents said was the ultimate, like, verdict. And I took it like this. I'm like, look. Just for the day, if I don't use just for the day, if I, like, stay around them in 8 people, just for the day, if I, like, get some new people around me that are about something that I'm about, I could possibly make it too.

And I started showing up. I was a meeting making mother. I got my mother's van, and I figured if I had to go, all of y'all gotta go. Just jump on top, hang on the door. I don't care.

We gotta go to the meeting. We must go because I don't know how not to use. I don't know how to live. All I know is we're hour and a half I'm safe. And I started making meetings and I started showing up and I don't know when a miracle happened but I tell you this, it was maybe the 9th or 10th or 12th day clean.

I left a meeting and I didn't go through the back driveway. I didn't go down 5th and Butler, which is a copping area in Philly. I went straight home. That's rare for me. And I went in the house and I came through the front door and I had a key.

I had a key again. And my mother didn't make me clap my hands and let me know where I'm at. I went to my room and I lived in my room and I washed my body in the shower and I got on clean sheets and I didn't roll from under a trick. I wasn't doing anything that made me feel degrading. I put on clean underwear.

Do you understand? From tricking, I hadn't had those things in a long time. And I laid down on sheets and I didn't pass out. I didn't go into a coma. I went to sleep, a sleep that only God can give you.

Because see, I was living the life that I always dreamed of and I didn't know it then, but I knew something was different. Something was different. And I went to sleep Narcotics Anonymous, and when I walked there next morning, them same birds that used to drive me crazy, an active addiction. I used to wanna kill them. Them birds were making this beautiful noise.

It was it was the it was okay. It was, like, not bother me. And, like, look, my story's always been I'm Dracula's daughter. I don't know about you, but I'm look. I did better in the dark.

I rolled in the dark. Most of my relationships were in the dark. Look. I met him in the dark. I met him in the dark.

We went on and we came home my house in the dark. We had sex in the dark. He got up in the dark. He went home in the dark. He came back the next night in the dark.

So what did I come on. Of the light, are you serious? So here we go. Now follow me. I can talk really fast.

So now, I wake up. I hear the birds. I see the sun. Sun. I'm not like this.

I'm like, oh my god. And I look on the dress and the night before we had a little basket passed around, I put my little doll in there. I was so proud of myself, but I had some change left over. And I looked over on the dresser that morning. I saw that doll or something since that was my spiritual awakening.

That an addict like me an addict like me can go to bed and sleep and wake up the next morning with money on her dresser is beyond my wildest dreams. So I said, okay. This is what they're talking about. Alright. This is where to change.

I don't know what's happening. I'm, like, comparing myself to your outsides, but it's okay because I'm in the right space. And I'm starting to make meetings and I'm, like, not understanding this in a language. So I sat down one night and I started thinking about some things and I started backtracking. I'm like, alright.

In active addiction, we met regularly at the same place that there was dope there. That was the home group. There was always somebody telling me I was short last week. That was the secretary. It was always one active addict who told you, like, look.

We're gonna put this money together and go get this. That was a treasurer. And usually the person with the least amount of money or the least amount of skills was a steward, which was me. And there was always an individual I know I'm a take you back. There was always an individual who took the time to slowly teach you by using up your drugs and your money how to kill yourself.

So why not now in recovery, we understand the flip side as far as there's nobody other than just, like, flipping this out negative into the positive. Here's somebody who's teaching me how to live through their experience. In active addiction, here's somebody who's teaching me how to die with their experience. Flip it. It's very simple.

So I said, okay. I'm feeling this thing. Alright. Alright. I got this a little bit.

So I started making meetings and I got a home group. And I got I didn't have a sponsor in the beginning because I understand what the hell that was. And y'all kept saying it and y'all started to sound like parrots. And I thought, all y'all were broken stuck. I told y'all we were cult.

So then one day, this girl said, are you gonna get a sponsor? I said, okay. I'm gonna get paid Friday. I'm gonna get 2. Alright?

And I got this sponsor and I didn't understand how to use it, but I knew this. Let me explain. I wanna do this for the newcomer because you gotta understand something. If I happen to forget where I came from, there may be some problems in my present recovery. I'm telling you.

So I came in here and I got this sponsor and I got this home group. And then all these things started happening for me, and I wasn't using. And all of a sudden, hormones came back. Harmons that had been under arrest for quite a while came back. I didn't ask them to come back.

It just popped up one day, and I was at a meeting cleaning up. I was a steward. And I was cleaning up the coffee pot and it just kinda hit me. Dead. One eye jack look good.

Oh, one eye. All of a sudden, I was in love with everybody. And it didn't take much. You didn't have to say much. You just looked at me, and that was it.

We were married with 2 kids and a dog named Toto. And I was in there and I was like, you feeling these things? And I started learning about the disease of addiction which is multifaceted, which means it has so many levels. When you think you got one, hick them another one. I started learning, like, look, when I got clean, I started getting some money.

I started hitting the diners. And my first experience with the diners was with old timers. And I went to I was at a meeting and we were outside. They said, Glenn, you wanna go over us to the diner? And as a newer member, I felt intimidated by that clean time.

They had a whole year clean. And I was, like, amazed. And they said, oh, come on. Oh, come on. It was cold.

And I thought about it. If I go to the diner with them, I'll get a ride home. So I'll go if you insist. I mean, I I you know, whatever. So I went to the dining and I ain't had very much to talk about as a new member because I felt intimidated by this innate language.

And they would talk to me, and they would say things to me, and I would say, I'm alright. I'm alright. It's okay. And they ordered these t bone steaks that were really thick, and they ordered these big cheeseburgers. And I didn't have very much money because I was new at this.

I still hadn't learned how to balance money yet, and I was afraid to have too much on me. So I only took a little teeny bit. So I'm in there trying to impress them, but I know I can't hold up, like, what they was ordering. So I said I have a a tea and a salad. Now understand my story.

I came to Narcotics Anonymous a big girl. Ain't nothing changed now. So a tea and a salad to a big girl is like a Tic Tac to a whale. It ain't nothing. So they started talking and they eating and they eating and the spirits remember the most time a year and 2 months said, waitress, order this girl a cheeseburger.

I'm alright. I'm alright. Still in denial. My stomach said, So now I understand I ain't got much conversation going on with these people because I'm not feeling them yet. And then the waitress bring me my hamburger and put it in front of me right, and my hands are shaking now because you know you know them hunger pangs, the halts.

So I take a bite of this succulent, juicy, watery hamburger, and it hit that void. And that feeling of isolation and, like, that feeling of, like, loneliness and that feeling of rejection and that feeling of wanting to fit in sort of subsided. And I came up from biting the hamburger. I said, I've been clean for 30 days. I've been making meths.

I'm not I don't go around drugs no more. I don't use nothing. I can keep coming back. I turned everything over. I just gotta remove it.

And they looked at me with amazement. They said we didn't know you had all that in you. And me thinking like a good dope thing that I was at that time said, well, dang. If I keep doing this and hanging around them, I get free meals every meeting. They said, come on.

When the when the food was all gone and we got to leave, they said, now this is the time where you take what we gave you and you pass it on to someone else. Do for someone else what we did for you and that's how we do it. You can't keep it unless you give it away, Glendora. An addict with 2 days clean can turn to an addict with one day and tell them how they got that day. Never forget that.

And I started making meetings and the transformation happened in years. A lot of years and I just wanna hit the high points for me. I came into Narcotics Anonymous, not young, not old. It's kinda like there. I smoked up many years.

I was one of them back seventies girls. My age right. Remember them days in the basement? Them parties in the basement with them black lights with the girl posted and glow in the dark? Yeah.

Yeah. Some people here remember them days. Remember them days that black light used to make lint come all over your clothes and you'd be picking and picking and picking? I thought about if if crack was prevalent, then I might would've smoked up half of y'all. All that all that white stuff.

So I came in here and I didn't know how to fit in and y'all started having these darn dances. And I didn't wanna let you know that I had, like, smoked the seventies and eighties and a couple of I just didn't know how to dance. And I got to my 1st NA dance and I was still living off of old information. And I got in there and this guy had the nerve to come over and ask me to dance. And, oh, that was it.

And I got up there and I was getting it. Boy, I was doing a robot to Michael Jackson and everything. And I thought you were watching me in order to imitate my steps. But y'all were just like, damn. Keep coming.

Just keep coming. And that's how I learned by making mistakes and watching you. And I started learning about, like, I wanted to be a lady. I had so long, like, tricked and worked the streets and hustlered and hoard. Even in the 1st couple of months, let's try years in recovery.

Let's be honest. I wanted to learn how to be a lady and keep my legs closed and stop treating like there were peanut butter easy to spread. I wanted to feel okay in the skin I was in. I was tired of using things in here, so I started hanging around Leighton's. And I started imitating them and doing what they did and they took me to a mall.

And I'm doing this for the newer member. When you get clean, you're gonna hear recovery's an inside job. Yes. We do know that. But in order for you to touch the inside, you gotta get through the outside.

And what you see in the mirror is not the inside. You connect with the gray skin, the ashy elbows, the bad hairdos. Look. I started learning about weaves and perms and press on nails. I was hot.

I got in there and the women took me into the mall. Oh my gosh. I found another form of disease, rose's head. People were asking me what time did I get off from work from the mall because I stayed in there so long, I knew what shipments would do. I had shoes of every color the same style just in case I might get an outfit in the year 2004.

You never know. And I started, like, masking some things and I started, like, wearing feminine things and I started, like, liking who I was and Victoria was in the secret no more. I like the fact that I had these things and these things were not me. They weren't making me. Do you understand?

Recovery goes on the inside. Yeah. We dress up the outside, but these were not the things that were me. Without these things, I was okay. And I made meetings and I used my sponsor because I found out what a sponsor was about.

And I started, like, wanting some of the things I had lost in active addiction. We get in here and we get a couple of months clean, a year or 2 under our belt, and all of a sudden we want back what we lost. And some of us ain't ready for it because I believe God will give it to you when he feels you're ready and able to handle it. And I wanted the baby so bad. I wanted the NA baby because I wanted you to, like, run around the meetings and say to my baby too like I did yours.

And I wanted this baby. So, of course, in order to get this baby, I had to get the husband. And I don't shit about this very often, but it's starting to haunt me so I need to talk about it. I heard you girls sharing about you were married. You met the guy in your home group or you're meeting or whatever, and you got married.

And to me, that put you up here. And it made me feel less then because I was not married. And I'm, like, wondering what's wrong with me again. So I went to my home group and the guy looked at me and I looked at him and I married him mentally and it was on. So we got engaged real quick because, he just wanted and I wanted and we did it and it was good.

Okay. Thank you. So, like, real real quick, the year went by and we went to the planning of the wedding. And on the day, like like, maybe 4 months before we got married, I had dropped, like, 93 and a half pounds. And pride and vanity crept up.

And I was wearing things spandex hadn't even invented yet, but I was engaged. I didn't understand why now all the attention I was getting from other men was I'd tackle to this man. And I started looking at him, like, at the corner of my eye saying, I'm not sure I wanna do this, but because of pride and ego, I was afraid what NA would say about me if I called it off. So I got there on the day of the wedding. My back went out.

The ring bearer head got in a creek. We got flowers from a funeral. My flowers went to somebody else's wedding. It was one of them days you just don't wanna remember kinda days. I got up to the front of the altar and when we got up there and they said put the rings on, he put the ring on the wrong finger.

And I knew it was effed up from there. We got married and we stayed married maybe more, maybe about 7 or 8 months. And let me sway something to you. Now I'm speaking very slow, which people in Philly would probably be very amazed. But my husband, he stuttered.

And I'm not talking about people. I'm not being negative. He it was who he was. But he would stutter and kinda like a locksmith like, I talk fast so I know my defensive character would be to get into an argument with him that he could not win. And I would gear up and I would go at him.

And my mouth would go so fast by the time he was like I was out the door down the street, drove off. He was still, and I would do that. So of course, you know the marriage didn't last very long. But I learned something about that, you know. I learned a lot about that.

Wanting to be where everybody else is thinking that's where you need to be. I had to learn to accept where God has me and rejoice and have gratitude for where I am right now. So back to this baby. I've had every surgery possible in recovery to have a baby. And the doctor came to me and he said, missus Bellamy, you know, there is nothing that can help you.

You're hopeless. And for an addict to be told that they're hopeless, it kinda like crushes everything you've been taught in recovery. But if it were not for you and me making that meeting that day when that doctor told me that I believed in my heart that I would've fell apart, I would've crumbled. I'm not gonna say yous. I'm just saying I would've crumbled spiritually because you rebuilt me back and you let me know, like, having a baby does not make me a woman.

It's like the thing is that I think are very important are top a number one. They ain't that much no more. So I kept making meetings and I started changing and life goes on. And what I'm talking about is levels of acceptance and recovery. Everything is not gonna happen the way you think it should happen.

What I had to learn is how to accept what God gave me and be okay with it and pray for patience when things wasn't moving fast enough. And that's what I learned through the process. So I got a sponsor. And I said, I want what you have to offer, and I'm willing to make the effort to get it. But I understand there are certain steps that I must take.

See, I've done the things with the men. I've slept around. Look, it got to a point where, like, I felt men need to take numbers like in a deli. 36? Yep.

And I need to share this for those that are stuck there because this is the beginning of a convention and this week and it's very fun and it's nice. We have a tendency to get selective amnesia. We leave home and we're married, and we get here and forget who we are. And somehow it's like, it ain't cool. So I got selected by Amnesia quite a lot.

So I got in these rooms, and I learned about the disease of addiction. I learned that I was always trying to fill a void with something. Most of the time, it was penises. I've had big ones, short ones, tall ones, small ones. What you gotta look for?

What you can't find? What's weird? Are they? I ain't seen them last night. I've had them all.

And I learned something about that. Like, look, when I learned that recovery cannot be sexually transmitted. This is an investment. Think of it as a large bank account your life. And the more you put into this program, the more you put into your personal recovery, the more you're gonna get out.

I started learning about praying when the times are good so when the times are bad, it wasn't so hard to jump down there and do it. I started learning things about like saying I surrender, letting it go. And when I got to that first step, like, look, that was the cornerstone of my foundation. See, I've always wanted a $1,000,000 life. I've always wanted the house on the hill, my life being peaceful, but I've always built on a $2 foundation.

So see, I wanted a foundation that was strong enough to weather any storm, so I needed the steps. The steps are the program. And I got a sponsor and I got some literature that I didn't like leave it on the shelf and allow dust to grow on it. I kept my tools on me. What are my tools?

I started learning about honesty, open mindedness, and willingness. And with those, we are well on our way. Where we are well on our way, getting to know who we are. It ain't have got nothing to do with you. Ain't about you.

It's about me. Well, begin with me and it will end with me. I'm the one who at the end of my row has to stand before my God for judgment. I ain't gotta worry about you. It's hard enough trying to deal with my own yard instead of standing in yours.

So I started working on me and I started transforming. And I took that first step and I started learning that it's real easy to admit I'm an addict. I'm a great actress. They say Sybil has 16 personalities. My name is Ibel.

I got 21. You never know who I am. So I had to take it on a deep level of acceptance. Like, I can't save my father. I had can't go around people, places, and things and try to save the world reading literature in the crack house.

I'm sorry. I can't do it. So I surrender and I let it go. And when I let go of control, God gives me some serenity. And when I'm given serenity, I'm able to move on to the group, which for me was a power greater than myself.

They restored me to sanity. On a lot of these, when I wanna take some of y'all out of here, I will come to the group and somebody would always share exactly where I was at. They'll restore me and let me know where I could be in if I do what I wanna do. And as I got more time clean, I realized, like, the second step says, insanity is repeating the same mistake over and over again. How about repeating the same mistake over and over again knowing the end results and I still do it anyway because it's just like who I am?

But I started believing that the power greater than me could restore me to sanity. Restoration takes a process. It doesn't happen overnight. It's through trial and labor. And, like, I had to, like, keep trying, and I started having some hope.

And with the hope, I was able to transform over to a third step, and I had to make a decision. And it's so easy when you wake up in the morning to be real spiritual. God's will be done. But by lunchtime, you got a lunch break at work and you sitting down in the park with your girls and this brother run by looking like, all that, my will be done. So I started learning about pain.

Pain for me is a motivator to do the right thing, and I have a tendency to let go and let God for you on audience. Like from this podium, it's so easy. You'd say, yes, I've let go and let God. But have you really let go and let God? Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about.

Being in a relationship past the expiration point. You know what I'm saying? It's over. But you're telling everybody in the group, yeah, I ain't messing with so and so, but you're still calling this house. You still got a secret number to check his messages.

You're still at his home group checking him out to see who's in there. You're still going by his kids house. He ain't like them before but now all of a sudden they're the cutest little kids you ever wanna meet. Have you really let go, Glenn? And I realized when the pain gets great enough, the ability to let go becomes easier.

And I make a decision and I have sometimes go back and ask God why you allow me to pain again. And he says because you didn't learn the lesson the first time. Let it go. And when I let it go, I'm able to start taking a look at myself and the part I play in the patterns in my life that keep me in the pain that I stay in. And I did a 4 step inventory.

And I stopped procrastinating and stopped putting the pen down, and I just faced it. And every time I would get stuck, I would pray for God to give me this proof of courage to face who I am, man. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a great person, but I'm not a bad person either. And it's okay to talk about me because it's for me.

And through a 5th step, I understand the divine order of life. God, myself, and another human being. If I kept life in that order, it would be so much more simpler. Because I have a tendency to pull whatever relationship I'm in before God and God takes it away every time. So I started learning about the exact natures of my wrong which is another name for a character defect.

And it's just like when the girl who looks really sharp, just really nice, comes into a meeting and asks me, say, Glenn, where you get that shirt from? I like that. All of a sudden, my self esteem is being attacked because I don't feel like I've made up to her. I'll lie and say something like Saks Fifth, Lorne Taylor's, knowing it was Kmart. My self esteem is like just not there.

And the 6th step, I've become entirely ready when I become a salary. Not when you think I should, but when I become a salary ready. Situation in point. 12 years clean. I was in a car, my car.