29th Annual San Diego Roundup in San Diego, CA

I wanted desperately, when I was out in the streets, to just be a productive member of society. I wanted to go to work and take care of my family and take Hi, everybody. My name is Angie, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Angie. The, first of all, let me thank the committee for asking me here.

This is just so awesome. It's always awesome to be, asked to come anywhere these days. And so I'm very, very happy that you asked me. And thank you to my, the guy that picked us up at the airport, John, who, I I didn't really remember what he looked like because I was tired. And, but he introduced himself today, and then he brought back that familiarity.

But, just really really glad. First time in San Diego, and just really, really glad to, to be here. And and always glad to see friends, and Jack, and Larsene, and, you know, just to be with my family. Because, see, the buck stops here for Angie P. I don't have anywhere to go.

This is it for me. And, I love Alcoholics Anonymous, and, and and and I I pray that when you see me, that I look as if something good is going on in my life, and that would be Alcoholics Anonymous. One of the things that I've worked on in my sobriety is my fear of talking in front of a bunch of white people. And I was doing pretty darn good until tonight. Thank you, San Diego very much.

I saw a couple of my brothers and sisters in here. There's a few of us in here. I see you. Power to the people. Power to the people.

I am, from Greenville, South Carolina. And, back home somebody from Greenville? Beautiful. Oh, we're sisters. How are you doing?

Good to see you. Yeah. And back home, we lived in a little white house on a red clay road, and we got our water out of wells, and we took baths in steel tubs, and we ate buttermilk and drank buttermilk and ate cornbread on a regular basis. And and the most fun that I had was picking black raspberries from trees. And I need to tell you, I don't do any of that today.

None of it. I, always had this little problem thing, you know, like, we had a outhouse, and that was somewhat confusing for me, after seeing other people who had real, you know, commodes and, stuff. But, I had flaming red hair and freckles growing up, and nobody else in my family did. And, imagine that. And, my brother told me one day why I looked the way I did, and he told me it was because the, the mailman was my daddy.

So whenever I saw the mailman coming down the street, I'd be like, daddy. And I would run up to him and, he would put his arms around me and tell me how cute I was. And, that turned out to be a pattern for me actually. Yeah, buddy. You just put your arms around me and pat me on my head and, tell me how cute I am, and we we'd be married within minutes.

Believe me. And then 6 months down the road, I'd be going, what's your last name again? Right. So, yeah. So there's reasons why I don't drink.

And that would be one. We, stayed down south for a little while, and then my dad got transferred to Cincinnati, Ohio, and we came up to Cincinnati. And my father, in the process of traveling back and forth, he got himself a little girlfriend, so he moved up the hill with her, and that left my mother to raise my brother, my sister, and myself. And I need to tell you that when I got sober, my mother was my biggest problem. I truly believe that had she had just treated me the way she treated my brother and sister, I would not be in the predicament I'm in called alcoholism.

And, one of the reasons why I tell you about my mother is because my mother is mentally ill, and my mother today does not believe in taking medication. And I have to be there for my mother in a way that I really didn't ever think possible. Because when we for me anyway, growing up it just, you never think that they're gonna get there, and she's there. And when she has her episode, she's extremely abusive, And she's extremely abusive to me. But see, you guys taught me in AA how to love my mother for being the woman that she is and the path that she's had to travel.

And although she is abusive, her abuse is not at me. I'm the one that's around, and I'm the one that's doing the deal. But in her moments of clarity, my mother said to me, she said, when you were born, Angela, when the nurse put you in my arms, she said, you're gonna touch people's lives. And that would be true in my drinking, And apparently, in my sobriety. I love my mother.

You taught me how to love my mother. And my mother is extremely grateful. She said to me, you know, the child that gave me the most darn problems is the one that I can count on today. And you guys gave me that. So my mother decided in her wisdom that she felt like, we needed to go to Catholic school.

So I was a flaming red haired, freckle faced little black girl with a Afro this big. And, well, she never believed in in cutting, so it just got big, you know, just just a walking hair. And, and, she sent us to to to private schools. And my mother worked as a waitress to, to send us to private schools. So I went to Saint James of the Valley, and, and it was an interesting, task being there.

And I got, you know, chased on a regular basis because I shared with you what I look like. And there weren't I didn't even see a black person with red hair and freckles until I got into AA, and I was so glad to see him. You know, I rolled up on him. I'm like, man, where you been? He left me all out here in the world by myself.

Are you crazy? Give me a hug. And, and so I got I got chased a lot, picked on a lot in school. And one day, this girl, squeaky squeaky, was 6 foot 4 in, like, the 5th grade. And she she had a little posse that hung out with her, and they, you know, beat people up and stuff.

So one day, they stepped out of the ordinary, and they stoned me. You know, threw rocks at me all the way home. And I remember I got in the house, and I told my mother. I said, mama, whoo. I made it in the house.

They is about to kill me out there, but I made it. And whenever my mother sounded like this, I knew that we were gonna have problems. She said, you know, Angela, at some point, you're gonna have to learn how to take up for yourself. And I want you to go back out there, and I want you to stand up to Squeaky. I said, you want me to do what?

She said, I want you to go back out there and you stand up to her. She said, or you can stay in here and get the butt whooping I'm a give you. And I knew what those felt like, and I only knew what squeaky's appeared to be. So So I went out there and she was standing in the parking lot and I walked up to her and I said, my mother said I'm supposed to fight you. And she said, well, come on then.

So I I balled my fist up and I closed my eyes. And I was squeezing them tight. I paid homage to the Lord, and I swung, And I got her right here. It's on now. Shoot.

I hit her. And she didn't budge, she just stood there looking happy. And I said, you get ready to kill me. And she and she gave me the big beat down, but I got this thing called alcoholism that helps me remember what I should forget and forget what I should remember. And, and so I I forgot that, you know, the big beat down.

And so I remember that I hit her. And from that point on, I became a boxer. And when I got sober, I people messed with me in AA. I said, hey. Watch what?

Watch out now. She don't know who I am. I said on the streets of Cincinnati, they called me the knockout queen. What? What?

What? Get a sponsor. What? No. Get a sponsor.

I don't need a sponsor telling me what to do. I she can give me the t shirts because, you know, I played softball. And so they bought you t shirts, sponsors did. And, so I began fighting. And when when I, you know, you know, I came to AA and I was just really mean.

And, you know, want to fight everybody. And, you know, you work some steps, get a sponsor, and and reading a book and stuff. You have to get honest. You know? And and the reason why they called me to knock out Queens, because every time somebody hit me, they knock me clean out.

So, you know, you know. But it it worked for a while in Alcoholics Anonymous. But, so my mother got a good job. She started working for Avon, and she, she, said that we were moving out of the ghetto. She moved us to a all white neighborhood.

So from the age of 13 till about 17, I wasn't even black no more. I listened to Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band. My favorite girl group was Heart. Thank you very much. 1st concert I ever went to was Led Zeppelin.

I was at the Ted Nugent Foreigner concert, and Forner was singing feels like the first time. They would sing, I have waited a lifetime. And I'm the only black person in there going, And I looked around that whole coliseum. I didn't see one black person. I said, man, I am bad.

I'm the only one in here. And I hung out with these 5 girls, these 5 white girls. Man, they could do anything in front of their parents. Their parents said, Rebecca, Rebecca, honey, if you're going to drink, we would really appreciate it as your parents if you would do it at home. And, we really don't wanna see anything happen to you, and we feel that should you do it at home, we will know where you are most of the time.

I said, you get to drink at home with your parents? I remember I went home to my mother. I said, would you drink with me? And then, you know, after I got up off the floor, I was like so I hung out with these girls. They could do I thought I mean, you know, they drank her family.

Everybody drank together. They communicated. They hugged and cried, and I thought, this is one of the closest families I've ever met. And I hung out with these girls for quite some time. And, like I said, we lived in an all white neighborhood, and and Rebecca was the one that gave me my first drink.

She had come over to my house, and, she had a brown bag with bottles in it, and she gave me a bottle of Boone's Farm Apple Wine. Oh, that's a shame. That is a shame that everywhere I go and speak, I say Boone's Farm and people are like, oh, yeah. Oh, boons farm. You know, I don't that don't happen when I talk at church.

You know what I mean? When I tell them at church that I drink boons farm, they go, wow. Yeah. Boom farm. But no.

AA. Woohoo. Boobs farm. I can't explain it. I can't explain it.

Beautiful. So I get my first drink. I drink the Rebecca said that her brother at school are in the art of chugging. And, she said you turn the bottle up and you drink as long as you can. You don't.

You just drink, drink, drink. And I did. And I could tell you without a shadow of a doubt that what happened to me did not happen to Rebecca. My hair color changed right before my very eyes. The freckles that I had on my face left 1 by 1.

They left. I gave them to you. I was funny. Rebecca and I had a fight. She beat me up.

But I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that when I drank that night with Rebecca, that I was gonna do that every opportunity that I got. I wasn't somebody who drank alcohol and, you know, went to college and, you know, did all that stuff. That's not how I drank. Alcohol became my master from the very first drink. I wanted it and I chased it and I did it and I couldn't believe that people didn't do it.

I remember telling my brother and sister just drunk telling them, you don't know what you're missing. And my brother's like, you don't go to school. You don't work. You do nothing but drink. Yeah.

I know what I'm missing. I know what I'm missing. And that was my deal. I drank. And and, you know, I don't mean any disrespect to anybody.

You know, it's I'm gonna mention drugs. I know. I'm gonna mention it. And and if you have a problem with it well, who asked me to talk here? Whoever asked me to talk here.

Yeah. What's your name? Mike. Go see him. Do not come to me because I will hurt your feelings.

So please go to Mike. He'll probably a lot more gentler. You don't have to old timers. Now you can't talk about drugs from the podium. Never ever.

Sometimes I just go up to a old timer and go crack. Just walk up beside them. Heroin. But, you know, I, you know, I had to get to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I got here how I got here. And it's my story, and it was my journey.

And I tried a little ass, and it got me a mental health diagnosis. So I couldn't, you know, deal with that. Kept waking up, you know, straight jackets and, you know. And and and, you know, and and I had my girlfriends told me one night we were going out and they said, you know, we want you to here's one of these little pills. Take one.

It'll make your world colorful. And, and I took it. Well, I took 2 of them. And my night was real colorful. And, right, they wanted to go get something to eat, and, you know, I'm I'm doing this strawberry mess thing, and I'm starting to trip.

And and they wanna go get something to eat, and so we pull into McDonald's. And so we pull into McDonald's and, you know, we pull up to this little box and woah. You know? What the heck? And how did they get his little butt in there?

You know what I'm saying? And so he asked me, you know, what do you want? What no. What do you want? What do you want?

So I'm hollering at him. We arguing, me and this little man. I'm waiting for him to come out. I want him to come out because I know I can beat him. I know I can whoop him up because he's not but this big.

Do you understand what I'm saying? And as I argue with this man at the drive thru, keep asking me my business. What do I want? You know. So they order from the back seat and, get up in the front and now they gonna try to push bags all in my face.

So I'm pushing them back in. You know what I mean? Like, what's wrong with you? Crazy. Why would I want bags?

And I'm on acid. So, you know, his face is turning in odd ways. And and I'm hot angry. And then I get real happy because the sky is blue all of a sudden. I tell him I love him, thank him for being so giving, And, you know, naturally, they call the police.

And, the police came, and it was a mess. And I got arrested, and, you know, police asked me my name, and I told them it was r two d two. And yeah. And they didn't take too lightly to that. So I, you know, did my first stint in jail, and then to the mental institution.

And so I don't, you know, I don't have you know, I don't do drugs. I don't I don't like drugs. They they get me, you know, therapists and psychs and stuff. So I'm hanging out with these girls, and I'm drinking, and I ain't going to school. And, you know, I've been singing since I was 3.

So if there was a a musical or something, I would go and I would audition for that. And they would say things to me like, Angie, you've got so much potential. I don't know if you guys have ever heard that. You got so much potential. But me being a singer, I always believed that there was some man in a suit walking around with a contract from Epic Records in his back pocket.

And the moment that he heard me, he was gonna go, oh my god. Nobody signed you yet? I waited for that. I dreamt about it, and it happened. I was working at a recording studio.

My dad got me a part time job there, and, I was singing in the bathroom. You know how the acoustics are. And I was putting on my best show. Steps and everything. No.

I'm just kidding. And I step out there and there's this man in a suit. Yes, sir. Tall man. Fine man.

He said, I just heard you sing. I believe I can make you famous. I said, for real? He said, yeah. But you gotta come to Vegas.

No problem. Now, I'm underage. I go back home and I tell my family, I will come back for you. As soon as I make my money, you shall come with me. My father my father kept things real simple.

He just said, something is wrong with you. He didn't go through anything, but he just said something is wrong with you. My mother said, Angie, please don't go. Don't do this. My little sister said, don't go.

But I went, you see, because he was gonna make me famous. Not knowing that I had alcoholism, but I drank. Man. I got to Las Vegas and I lost my mind. I was singing and a young girl making a lot of money and hanging out with big people, and drinking.

And now I got this thing happening. I I don't know if you guys know anything about this, but this thing started happening. I began to not remember what I did the night before. I know you guys haven't experienced that in San Diego, but I didn't know that that was called a blackout until I came to AA. I thought that if you drank and you didn't remember what you did, you had a real good time.

You know? There, I didn't really, I knew that there was something a little wrong with it, but I thought, man, you, I had a good time. I didn't remember. You know, and just the whole waking up with, you know, with toothless guys named Zeb. You know what I mean?

Going, but you tell me you love me so much. Say yes ever. And as soon as I figure out what you doing in here, I'm leaving Las Vegas. And, and I started having this blackout thing. And, I'm with this gentleman.

I know nothing about him. And, he had a heroin problem that I knew absolutely nothing about, and I had a drinking problem that he knew nothing about. And together, didn't mix. And he's shooting heroin intravenously, and I'm drinking alcohol as much as I can, as long as I can, and as hard as I can. And they begin to not wanna hire me in Las Vegas because then it was not legal to sing feelings with your shirt off.

You know what I mean? So you feelings. Waiving it. You know what I mean? So they said, no.

We don't think we're gonna hire you anymore. And, and, my gentleman friend introduced me to, shooting heroin intravenously, and and my life was not good. And I couldn't work, and I drank, and I drank, and I drank. And you know what's interesting is that he came to me one day, and he said, come on. I need to go in the store and get some cigarettes.

And he goes into the store, and he shoots the owner. And he comes back out to the car, and he has blood, all of them, and he tells me to go. And so I went. You see, some people that drink or some people that I sponsor have a tendency to tell me, like, they know what's gonna happen if they drink again. See, you couldn't told me that when I took a drink at the age of 13 that I would shortly thereafter be on trial for murder.

You coulda told me that. And it seemed like to me that what happened was I I in my mind, I always had that picture of me and Rebecca in in my mother's backyard drinking at Boone's Farm. Happy go lucky. And it seems like shortly thereafter, I was on trial with prosecutors and the family members telling me what type of person I was, listening to children talk about how I had taken somebody from them. I will tell you that this gentleman is still in jail to this day, and I'm at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I got put out of Las Vegas. The governor put me out. He said, you gotta go. He gave me this thing called a floater, and I'll interpret it for you. It said, as long as you black and you won't change colors, do not ever bring your butt to Las Vegas again.

And I just have not, you know, really found it necessary to go back for any reason. I don't even watch a TV show about Las Vegas. I'm scared they're looking you know what I'm saying? And I came home from Las Vegas, and I said to myself, okay. That's it.

I'm a get my act together. And I got back home to Cincinnati, and it lasted all of 3 weeks. You see, I didn't know that I could not not drink. I didn't know that I could not put it down even though I said I wasn't gonna do it anymore. See, I didn't know that I was powerless over alcohol and that it dictated and managed my life.

I didn't know that. See, to the untrained eye because I don't know about you, but I told my mother when I came back, I'm not gonna drink anymore, mama. I'm not gonna drink anymore, daddy. I told them. But see, to the untrained eye, we appear liars.

We appear liars. See, I don't really beat up on people that drink again because every time I said I wasn't gonna drink, I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I just didn't know that I was powerless over alcohol and that it dictated and managed my life, but I meant it. And in Cincinnati a long time ago, you could get on the city bus and ride it all over the city for free. It was called Sunday pass riding.

And one day, my brother and sister and myself were on the bus, and we went all over the place. And then we got to downtown in the inner city. And we got to a corner called Liberty and Vine, and it's where all the pimps and the prostitutes hung out, and they had Lincolns and Cadillacs, and they were playing shaft on their little 8 tracks. And and I remember my brother looked over there and he said, boy, you couldn't pay me to go over there. And my little sister says, shoot me neither.

And I remember thinking, I'm going over there tomorrow. And I started riding the number 20 bus, downtown Cincinnati on a regular basis. And I hung out in the worst of bars and I drank with the best. And I drank really clueless to what that lifestyle was about. So I had friends, no neck, greasy feet, tie dye.

Those were my friends' names. I remember I wanted to bring them over to my father to introduce him. And I said, come on, y'all. Let's go. I want y'all to meet my father.

My father saw him. And you know what he said to me? Something is wrong with you. He said, don't you let them people sit on my furniture, My friends. Man, I felt comfortable with my friends.

Couldn't have told you their last name, but I felt comfortable with them. They drank and do nothing but commit crimes. And I was right there with him. And every time I got arrested, it wasn't because I really did anything. See, when I came to AA, I told him, hey.

I was a hustler out there. No. I wouldn't. I usually got arrested because I was in the way. And I'm the type of drunk that I woke up at the holding cell, never really quite remembering what I did.

When they asked me to talk at the international, they said, we need you to go and get your records. I said, oh, great. Because it's a big stack. I said, you sure you want me to get my records? They said, yeah.

Because you'll have to be allowed to come into the country. Allowed? Alrighty. So I went to the courthouse and they said, you gotta go downstairs in the archives. The archives?

So I went down there and I started pulling my stuff up. I'm a blackout drinker, y'all. And I'll tell you what, when I read the stuff that was in there, man, it hurt my feelings. It hurt my feelings. More so because they said that I had taken money, and I don't ever remember getting any money.

The people that I was with got money, but I don't remember getting any money. I remember doing the time, but I don't remember getting the money. And I went and got those papers, and I was sitting in my living room, and I was filling these papers out. And, man, I was just crying. You see?

And I'm crying because it's a sad day when I gotta send these these to the the Canadian consulate, and they ask you questions like, why did you do this? Hey. And I just want to put, I don't know. You know what I mean? And I'm filling this out and you you know, why should we let you in our country?

Well, why not? What will you be doing in our country? Staying sober? You better hope everybody else in that country stays sober that weekend too, because I don't think Canada's ready for 56,000 alcoholics to take a drink. No, they ain't ready for that.

And they asked me when they asked me to to speak at the international, I wasn't even going to the international. I couldn't afford it. So I wasn't even going. So when he called me, he goes, yes. This is so and so from, World Services in New York.

I was like, oh, lord. Now did I say something at a meeting? I mean, y'all serious about this stuff, ain't you? You got the president of this thing calling me? You know, because I say some crazy stuff.

He goes, we, just heard your CD. They sent it to us from Las Vegas. We'd we'd like to know if you'd be interested in speaking, being a kickoff speaker at the International. I said, man, who is this playing on my phone? I thought it was one of my friends.

I said, man, quit playing. I ought to hang up on you, man. And he goes, no, ma'am. My name is so and so from world so I said, let me go check this caller ID. So it said, New York.

I was like, oh, man. That is messed up what I just did. How you doing? Yeah. How you doing, buddy?

You say you want me to come and talk still, do you? But here's an amazing thing. The moment that I said yes to him, doors opened for me to go to the international. I couldn't afford it. But the moment that I said yes, things began to happen.

And I went there, man. And I remember I stepped out there. 56,000 white people. 56,000 and probably 3 blacks. And I was one of them.

And I remember I looked at all these white people and I thought to myself, I am bad. What? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So anyway, let me get back to my darn story. Where was I at? Larsene, where was I? Oh, you ain't listening. You just look you just overwhelmed by my beauty, aren't you?

Thank you very much. So I I'm hanging out with my friends, Greasy Feed and all them, and they're teaching me stuff, you know. My friends taught me how to write other people's checks, and roll up clothes, and put on a girdle, and go into department stores, and stuff them as big as I can, and come out. But when I went to prison, I've never ever saw my friends again. But let me tell you, I got arrested for receiving stolen property, and I had to take a physical when I got to the jail and I found out I was pregnant.

Everybody's like, oh. I was pregnant with my son. And I could tell you that I got sentenced to prison with a baby inside of me, and the only thing that kept me from losing my mind was my baby. And I rubbed my baby's stomach on a regular basis, and I said, I'm a get my act together, and I'm a be a mother. And I meant that from the bottom of my heart.

But see, I got this thing called alcoholism that's even more powerful than the love that I feel for my children. What a powerful thing. As much as I love them, I couldn't stop. And I had my son in prison. And my family came and got my son.

And they didn't stop to see me. They came and they got it. And I remember, like, it was to like, yesterday, he had on a little a little blue hat, and he was in this little blue snap up thing. And I'm looking through this little hole and I'm leaving with my baby. And I said, I'm a get my act together.

When I get out of here, I'm a go home and I'm a do what I gotta do so I could be a mother. And I meant that from the bottom of my heart. Anybody got any Kleenex? I don't wanna get electrocuted up here or anything. Thank you, sir.

Thank you very much. Now what the hell I'm a do with this? How you gonna bring me a Kleenex for a damn midget? You see I'm emotional up here. This is serious, buddy.

Man, I love it. Hey. Don't we have big fun? It says we aren't the glum lot. But that would that was funny.

I ain't mean to get you, but that was dissed right here. Don't do that again, man. Thank you. Are you Al Anon? Thank you so much, my love.

It's all in fun. Don't be resentful. We have a tool for that. So, I get out of prison. And when I get out of prison, my my son is 4.

And all the way down the highway on 71 North to Cincinnati, I said, I can't wait to see my baby. I can't wait to see I can't wait to see my baby. And I get to the bus station, and suddenly, it talks about it. If you're new in the room, it talks about it and more about alcoholism. It says, suddenly, the thought crossed his mind that he could put some milk in his whiskey.

He sensed he wasn't being a bit too smart. That's what happened to me. Suddenly, the thought crossed my mind that I had been in prison for 4 years, and that surely one drink won't hurt. And the next time I saw my son, he was 10. You see, I don't I don't struggle too much with the powerful the the the being powerless over alcohol thing.

Because, see, as I loved my son, and I wanted to get to it. But that drink, man, I had to have that drink. You see? And there was no logical explanation for why I couldn't make it home to see my son. See, I drink I could how do you explain that to your family?

I got drunk. My mother said, your ass been drunk for 6 years? Yeah. Yeah. And I end up going to prison again because that's what I did.

I drank. I went to prison. I had a child. I came out. I got pregnant.

I went in again. And I lost that baby. And I had another child, My daughter. Her name is Whitney. And I gave them away like they were pair of jeans.

I had to drink. And see, I can come here and you guys understand that. You understand that. You understand understand my drinking as opposed to taking care of my children. You understand that.

I need to tell you that I'm very active in my church. They don't understand that. They don't understand that. Why didn't you? How come?

Why didn't you just stop? Nancy Reagan said, just say no. I said, you ever seen Nancy Reagan with a shot of Jack? But you understand. You get me.

You get me. My own family doesn't get me, but you guys get me. My father said, boy, I tell you what, I don't know what kind of organization that is that you in. But why y'all got to keep going to meeting 30, 40, a 110 years? Ain't you got it yet?

You can't drink. My father said, I I just put it down. That's what my daddy told me. Just like that. Put it down.

Said I wasn't gonna do it and I didn't do it. And I loved my top hat beard. Top hat? Oh, I see why you quit because that ain't beard. Right.

But you guys get me. You get me. And I came out, and I went to get my daughter up in another state. And when I got sober, that martyr part of me said I gave her up because I want her to have a better life. That's not why I gave my children up.

I gave my children up because they got in the way. They got in the way. And that was a hard pill to swallow for me. They got in the way. My daughter is now 19.

She's in college. Grambling State University in Louisiana. Dating a white guy? Kidding. My son's 24.

He thinks he's a rapper. It'd be different if he could rap. Yo yo ma. Mama. Yo yo mama.

Mama. Yo yo mama more. She ain't know what I mean. No, baby. I don't I don't know.

I don't know what you mean. No. I don't know what you mean. But when I'm a get famous, I'm a buy you a house, mama. I said, well, until then, could you get a damn job?

Because it's not working for you, buddy. They're good kids. Good kids. Not because of me. Good kids.

So I got out of jail the last time, and I said, you know what? I can't do this no more. And I was living down on the the banks of Cincinnati in a a a home for wayward women, And we drinking up a storm in there. Me and my wayward friends. And we're drinking and, you know, just drinking just Wild Irish Rose.

You know, just some wine that ain't never had a grape near it. You know. And they call it wine. And I remember we would drink it with our little fingers out. What the A brown bag with your finger out.

I mean, still somewhat sophisticated yet homeless. Yeah. And one day, I was, uptown and drinking and, shot some dope and somebody shot ice water into my veins. And, I walked from that bar as sick as a dog, and I got to that front door. See, I'm a believer in angels.

I really truly am. And I get down to this place where I'm living at, and there's a little blonde haired woman standing there. And she looked at me when I got to the door, and she said, you don't have to keep living that way. She took me up to my room, and she put a rag on my head, and she began to tell me about her drinking. And she asked me if I would go someplace with her.

And at that moment, in that moment, I would've went anywhere with anybody, And she took me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And in Cincinnati, Ohio, when I first when I got sober, it wasn't a lot of, African American you know, quite like driving right now. It wasn't a lot of African American people in AA. And, and so she took me in. And I'm and now this is just coming from this is how I saw it.

When we pulled up in front of this building, it was about 3,000 Harleys parked in the front. Everybody had a white cup. And I said, well, this is gonna be one hell of a party right here. And I walk up the steps and people are going, welcome. Welcome.

And then I get to the steps and this big biker dude grabs me, puts his arms around me and picks me up and goes, welcome to AA. And he's got me. I said, man, if you don't put me down. And why they name your big butt squirrel? And she said, let's go in here.

Somebody's gonna tell their story. And I went into that big meeting room, and I sat down, and this gentleman got up and began to tell his story. Said he had slept under a bridge. I was appalled. I said, you did what?

I beat my wife. I said, man, this is some crazy stuff right here. Woah. And then everybody bust out laughing. I said, man, these white people crazy for show.

And then, after it was over, they stood up and clapped for him. I said, well, y'all was just laughing at him a minute ago. Now you're clapping for and then they grabbed hands. God. I said, oh, they are hypocrites up in here.

Hypocrite. I saw a black woman at the coffee bar. I ran into her. I said, girl, what is up? These white folks crazy.

She said, oh, just keep coming back. I said, oh, they got you? Run. Come with me. She said, you keep coming back.

I said, what does that mean? And I stayed around AA for a little while. It wasn't like I had a little, you know, huge social schedule or anything. So I stayed around AA and, you know, went to meetings. I was, you know, angry, belligerent, militant.

Everything was because I was black. I'd order coffee at the coffee bar. If I didn't get it right away, I said it's because I'm black, ain't it? That's why I can't get my coffee when I asked for it. I'm black and I want a cup of black coffee.

Oh, I see. Yeah. There's a girl sharing at a meeting 1 night, and she goes, you know? She said, when I first came into AA, I really didn't like black people, But now through the fellowship of AA and sponsorship, I do. And I'm in a one in the meeting to stand up.

Well, good. Because we ain't going nowhere. Fire to the people. We're here for the long haul. My sponsor would just go, sit down.

Sit down. I say, well, come on now. We got to keep it real up in here. Okay? Wanna hear that.

Before I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I really did not too much care for white people. But now by the grace of God, I do. What the heck is that about? You know, I felt like I should've ran up there and went, thank you, miss. Thank you so much for liking black people now because we's missed you.

We's missed you so much. Freedom. We got another one. So I stayed around AA for a little while, you know, I'm crazy. Got me a sponsor, white woman, of course.

She's from England. And she was very you know, my sponsor. I love her. I've had the same sponsor for almost 15 years. I love my sponsor.

She you know, we grew up together. She didn't particularly like black people, and I didn't really like anybody. So we were quite the match. And I was study howling about how I was everything and then injustice is done to my people. My people pick cotton.

My sponsor goes, you don't even wear cotton underwear. I said, oh, that was a good one. Yeah. Look like I'm gonna have to be looking for me a new sponsor here soon. But she called me on it.

You know what I mean? She wasn't afraid of me. I said, hey. I will beat you up. She goes, I know.

You're so scary. I said, I have hurt people. She goes, no. You have hurt yourself. I was like, I did, didn't I?

I have hurt myself every night. Oh my gosh. So they started coming in AA with this little crack problem. I know y'all ain't got crack in San Diego. It's too pretty.

So I start coming in AA with this little crack problem. I said, what the hell is crack? And why do all of y'all weigh the same thing? Do y'all get together outside and go, you weigh £60? You weigh £60?

Let's go. But see, I wasn't having it. See, this is AA. We deal with alcohol. Be coming up here with no crack stuff.

Sit over there. Don't say anything to anybody and I'll be your sponsor. So I spotted them, and I was mean. I was mean. But here's I'm telling you this to tell you this.

What I've learned in AA is that anytime I stand in judgment of some person, place, thing, or situation that I probably just wrote my meal ticket to experience it on some level. So one day, I'm at a meeting. Like the book say, it wasn't a cloud on the horizon. Where I, being the martyr I am, said I no longer need to stay here and keep this seat. I needed to give it to somebody who needs it.