The Big Book Study Group in Hawthorne, CA

I'm Sam and Alkohawk. Hi, Sam. Member of Alkohawks Anonymous. Dope fiend and world's oldest living low rider. I I drank a lot.

I don't know how you people drank, but I did a lot of it. I'm not one of these 2 beer oh dear drinkers. I'm the type that the bartender asked to leave because I was causing trouble. I drank as much as I possibly could for as long as I possibly could, and then a couple of years longer. I took a lot of drugs.

Anything I could get my hands on there. I don't identify with people who specialize in certain things. I took it all. With the man over here tonight, so he was chemically dependent. I used to say that I was of an addictive nature.

Clean it up. My sponsor explained it to me. He says, I'm gonna tell you what you are. You're a pig. I smoked a lot of non habit forming marijuana and drink because I didn't wanna be like my family.

Most of the members of my family drink. Those that don't, should. I was a rotten, obnoxious kid. I got into a lot of trouble when I was very young, and my mother sentenced me to 8 years in a Catholic school where I majored in guilt. Is there a big thing?

Mama laid the cure on me because I was always in some kind of trouble. By the time I was 5 years old, I was smoking big black cigars, chewing tobacco. My aunt Bessie would give me a quarter if I would say fuck in the grocery store in embarrassment. I got a dollar if I said it to church. So mama decided to send me away for the cure, so I went to the Catholic school.

I taught the nuns new words right away, but they also taught me new words. They taught me about staying every night after school. That's the first thing I learned. But my aunt told me, if you don't wanna do something that those nuns tell you to do, just tell them to shut it. And I did.

And they showed me too. I spent 2 and a half years fighting that every night after school. Two and a half years. Finally, I gave up. I became what they wanted to get them off my back.

I became an altar boy. I sang in the choir, and I got straight I did my time and got out of there, and I went I did my time and got out of there, and I went straight to a reform school. I've been stealing all the time. My aunt Bessie taught me the facts of life when I was very young, so I went through puberty in 20 minutes. Puberty in 20 minutes.

Got out and got to sinning early on. When I was 16 years old, I was married. I was a father when I was 16, and I was no more of a adult. I'm the great adult today, but I certainly wasn't then. I was a downer type person.

I was a suicidal. My aunt Bessie was my hero. She taught me everything. She was always kind to me. She was the only member of my family.

The rest of them, pow. That's it. That was their only thing. But my aunt Bessie gave me presents, and she loved me. And but she was always crying.

She was always carried 3 suicide notes and a razor blade for emergencies. The world is such a shitty place to live in, and she was ready to get out at any time. And she was always drunk. She carried a bottle in her purse, and she drank around the clock. And she gathered my sisters and me together one evening when I was about 8 years old, and she told me the secret of life.

She said it's this, you fall out of the womb and you crawl across hostile territory If I hadn't had any sense, I'd started drinking then because I believed her. I looked around at the world. I looked at the way that I lived, and it was rotten. And I didn't like it, and I didn't know how to change it. And I'm 16, 17 years old, and I have responsibilities, and I could care less about it.

When I was 18 years old, I was arrested for 9 felonies, and I was guilty of every one. And my aunt has always told me no matter what happens, deny it. Even if they have pictures, deny it. So naturally, I said no to everything, but they had pictures, fingerprints, and witnesses, and I was in trouble. They threw me in the jail, 2 bit county jail in Southern Indiana where I was raised.

And my uncle Bill was already in there doing 90 days for drunk and disorderly. My aunt Gus was next door in the women's jail doing 90 days for drunk and disorderly, trying to knife my uncle Louie. No big deal. My father came to see us on the 1st visiting day and he was drunk. So they arrested him in the visiting room.

So there we were all together again. It was that way every time I went to jail. I got a 1 to 10 year sentence out of that, and I did my time. I I was a model prisoner. I had 2 uncles in that penitentiary, and they showed me how to do easy time.

I knew what one day at a time was long before I got to AA. Anybody's been in the joint. I did my time and got off, and I was almost 21 years old. I had been divorced. She found a nice guy and married him, moved to Pittsburgh.

Never heard of me. I started to drink. I loved it. From the very beginning, I loved did, did in my mind, because I I know how to live in my mind. In I did did in my mind.

Because I I know how to live in my mind in in fantasies. I did that as a child. It was the only way I survived. It's all I had was books, movies. I couldn't stand my family.

I couldn't stand the reality of other people that were close to them. Hated it. The booze took them all away. Made everything nice. In the 1st year of my drinking, I found the wonderful world of amphetamine.

Love amphetamines. Speed. I bullshitted myself that those amphetamines enhanced my intelligence. What they did was speed up my mouth. So I had a combination of an amphetamine mouth and a Demerol brain, And I got into a lot of trouble.

I became a big shit magnet for the cops. I couldn't get from one bar to the other side of the road. I'm gonna go to the do anything. I had to get that money, get the bottle every day, and I did whatever it took. I didn't care that I was on parole.

I ran into a bookkeeper who was factory in the small town where I live, and he figured out how to fill out income tax forms and get money back, and I did not work in this factory. But I signed the piece of paper, and here comes a nice check. We cashed it, split the money. We did that for 3 years. The 3rd check arrived, and 2 weeks later, the police arrived.

I had used my father's name, so they arrested my father. That was no big deal because my father was drunk all the time. He thought he'd done it. He went into court and plead guilty and they put him away. While he was in the federal penitentiary, he discovered alcoholics and all this, and the old bastard sobered up.

And he never took another drink the rest of his life, so I guess he was ready for it. But he never knew that I twelve stepped in. I held off making that amend as long as I could, and I was a couple of years sober, and it was the last amend that I had to make. And I thought I better go do it. So I went to see the old bastard, and he was still as as mean as ever.

But here we were, father and son, both sober members of AA, and we're going to a meeting. And as we're going out the door, he picks up a pistol off the table and sticks it down in his belt. And I said, what the hell kind of meeting are we going to? Are you afraid somebody's gonna steal your big book? He punched me right in the mouth and knocked me on my ass, and he says to me, that's the way I release, you son of a bitch.

And I thought of that amend I had to make. I was in a lot of trouble just saying what I'd already said. And then I realized that the step says except when to do so would injure them or others. And I am others. So I held off making that amend as long as I could and fortunately a few years ago, he died.

So got out of that. We never got along, drunk or sober. He's the worst man I've ever met in my life, but he was the one that showed me the way they ate because he stayed sober. I tried to catch him drunk. I could not because he wasn't drinking.

He got off parole, and he's still going to those meetings. Then I figured out he's the treasurer. He's stealing the money. That's the only reason he still got those guys. I didn't know that AA was broke.

I got off parole, and I had a chance to move to a town where the police were paid off. You could buy drugs in the liquor stores there. And, I found it. That's what I was always looking for. No hassles and get all the drugs you want.

So I would go go in the liquor store and get what I had to have, and I was able to steal and make a bunch of money there, and I survived. However, in this type of an environment, there's a lot of knives and guns, and I was a witness to a killing. And I knew how to be an alive witness. Cut out. I had a 500 mile long umbilical cord, so I went home to mama.

Mama had been to Al Anon. She had those little beady eyes and that smile they get. When I got there, she got me up against the wall and released me. It was as tough as the old man. She told me that I could stay there for 10 days or a week, then I had to get my ass out of there.

She said, you're loaded. You're stay loaded, and I know it, and you can get your goddamn ass out of here. I don't wanna see you kill yourself. And while I was there, my youngest brother came running from the and others. And one morning, he and I were fuking together.

He said to me, if our luck holds out, we'll be dead by noon. That's how bad it was and I had 2 more years to go. I moved to Venice, California, and I lived there. I moved into an apartment building that was full of other lower companions like myself, and I lived next door to a girl who was a suicidal that I immediately was attracted to. She would come home every night from work, brush her teeth, turn on the gas and go to bed.

That's my kind of people. He would drink anything, take any kind of pill. She weighs £95 and we had a quack doctor up the street. We would take her to use her to get pills. We carry her in there and this doctor would give her this phony thing and he'd say, oh my dear, you're dying.

You'll have to have some of these pills. And he would lay them on us, and we'd go back to the very next Saturday and do the same thing over again. And I drank from the liquor store across the street, and I would go in there, and after a while he knew what I wanted, whatever was the cheapest. I couldn't even ask anymore. I pointed.

I was getting kicked out of a lot of bars, but I still had the old brain going with those damned amphetamines. I had a vicious mouth. And when somebody Somebody would say to me, you ought to quit drinking. I'd say, you mind your own goddamn business. I'm an alcoholic, and I can't help this.

I couldn't let it go at that. I would go on to say, I am just like my uncle Louie. He drank a pint of whiskey every day of his life. He lived to be 93 years old and after he'd been dead for 3 days, he looked better than you do right now. Nobody was gonna tell me I couldn't.

I lived there for 2 years, and I called my father at Christmas time, which was the only time he would accept a collect call from me. And he suggested that I I go to Alcoholics Anonymous. And for some reason or other, I paid attention to him, and I quit taking all his pills. I quit drinking, and I went to AA. Took him 2 days to quit.

And I finally got into a meeting. I started out 10 o'clock in the morning, and it took me till almost 10 o'clock that night to get into a meeting. I was dinger than hell. I walked in just before the end of the meeting. There were people sharing there, and the first person I heard was a lady that said that she had wet her pants twice and she came to AA.

God damn. When do I find out what I've done? I went to a meeting the next night and there was a man sharing, he said his mother had given him a horse for Christmas, and he kept getting drunk and falling off the horse. So he came to AA. I really didn't talk about pills, and they did not talk about marijuana, and so I did not talk about it.

At this time, I'm passing as a human being there, and I would say to them, I have a slight problem with the ball. That's all I would admit to. The end of 10 days, since they hadn't mentioned marijuana, I smoked some weed. Why not? I didn't say anything about it.

I got tired of them goddamn dull, dead meetings. They were. I don't let anybody shit you when they say, oh, I've never been to a bad meeting. Screw you. Come on.

You smoking that weed. I got thirsty, so I drank. And then I got drowsy, so I took some pills. And that lasted a week. Now I I didn't have to take the 20 questions.

I kinda look like them. Somebody read them at one of the meetings. I read some of them, and it said in there something about lower companions. Mhmm. And I thought, well, hell.

There must be lower companions in AA someplace. While I was loaded, I thought about that. Decided to try it one more time. So I quit again, and I went back to a and a, and I walked into a club where I've gone to a couple meetings, and I said to a man, where the hell is a lower companion? He said, come on.

I have just a group for you. And he took me over to the corner of Pico and Alvarado where there was a group directory. And at that first meeting, the leader pounded the gavel down to start the meeting, and he looks around. He says, well, there ain't no traditions here. It's every man for himself.

They read about 2 paragraphs out of chapter 5. He said, that's enough of that shit. He asked for announcements, and there were several announcements about a dance up the street and some other things going on. And 1 guy got up and said his announcement was he was sinking into a depression. He said, I'm gonna kill myself this week.

I won't be at the meeting next week. I wanna say goodbye to all my friends. Goddamn, my kind of people. The leader says to him, go ahead and do it. You son of a bitch.

Nobody likes you anyway. I was at a meeting last Thursday night over in the Wilshire District, and the guy that was leading that meeting that first night that I was there and the one that stood up and said he was gonna kill himself were both in that meeting last Thursday night. They're both still sober. And I got I've been last that was last January 11th. That was 28 years.

That's a long time in the life of a human being, but in an alcoholic or dope fiend's life, that's a goddamn eternity. These 2 still hate each other. They were sitting on opposite sides. I like the continuity of that. To be able to see those people that are still around, both still clean and sober.

At first meeting, I went to about 10 minutes into that meeting through the side door came 3 dikes, 2 sober and 1 drunk. As they came through the door, the drunk one dropped her purse and out fell a gun, a bottle, and a dildo. The 2 sober ones got to fighting over the contents of the first. Later made him take the fight outside. They left the drinking one there and she sobered up and she is still a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

She was upfront from the very beginning about things which she might as well have been. She sits with 3, flat top haircut. They'd arrived on motor cycles. She says, hi. I'm Maggie the Dyke.

Certainly knew that. Maggie and I are still friends welcome at that group, and that's why she is still sober today. Those people put their actions where their mouth was, and I firmly believe that that should say say it for Alcoholics Anonymous. So if you meet any prejudice any place, and you're liable to meet that sort of thing about bigotry in Alcoholics Anonymous, the same as there is any place else. But all I hope for groups like that that are that prejudicial is the goddamn we care sign falls on their fucking head.

Periodically, when I hear about one of those groups or go there and and feel that sort of thing, I call up Maggie and I say, come on. Let's throw some shit. So one night, Aggie and I rounded up a bunch of people and we went to the Brentwood meeting. Oh. Wow.

They walked in and sat down, and Aggie got up to go get the coffee for herself and me. The guy sitting next to me says, good god. Who is that? I said, that's my friend, Aggie. He says, goddamn.

I bet she could kick start at 747. Yes. Now she probably could. She a very kind, wonderful human being, and I value that friendship. The friendship and love that I found in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I've never found any place else. I still ain't got it in my family. I made the mistake of going to my family reunion about 3 or 4 years ago. Here comes my uncle Frank, and he says, when did you get out of the army? I've never been in the army.

I got drafted. I was in the penitentiary, Hallie. They're gonna take me out. I've got when did you start wearing glasses? I've had glasses since I was 9 years old.

I don't wanna live like that. I'd rather be around and people that are aware of things. So I don't hang around my family. I I don't hate them, but let them live their own lives, do what they wanna do. I found more love and care and concern an alcoholic synonymous than any place else I've ever been.

And I am one nosy son of a bitch. I have been been a lot of places. I've been involved with a lot of churches, therapy, and psychiatrists, psychologists, group therapy, nude therapy, up yours therapy, primal screams, anal screams. Anything but work the steps, and that's what it boiled down to. How long am I supposed to talk?

How about another I always put up questions and answers. That's what we do last time. Yeah. After you finish. Another thing.

Which is another 10, 15 minutes. Oh, so Whatever. She she fancy. Okay. Well, how long does it take to say, don't drink and don't use drugs and, go to lots of meetings and work those god damn steps, and that's the message.

Most of it anyway. The basic thing. That's the bottom line to me. Have some fun here. Firmly believe in that.

Some places you go and it's serious, somber, and deadly. They should have a sign up with their goddamn meetings. Heavy does it. I've been to some of those groups and the average age is deceased. Suckers are dead.

They're very dead. I thought that when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, that was it. It's all over. No more fun. And I'm not even sure what fun was before.

Most of it was fantasy, of course. I was a world traveler on my living room floor. I never went. Laid around loaded and listened to a lot of fine jazz records by the singers that leave you with no hope and complained about the state of the world. I discovered after I sobered up that I played a lot of those records I thought Billie Holiday was a man.

Total unawareness. I didn't know all this stuff. I see that sometimes today, and it's certainly in our society. Take a look at it if you're brave enough. I'm not.

I don't want to eat anything new. I don't wanna get depressed. Bunch of it downer type thing. Jesus. And I've been to some AA meetings where I came out of there.

I felt like I've been listening to Black Sabbath records for 3 days. Try that. Do you? Live, experience, feel, do things. It's very important here.

There's a place in another book that we have, the 12 steps in 12 traditions. The 12 steps, the opening line says, the joy of living is the theme of AA's 12 steps. My God, that's what I want. Not that I don't have rough times. I'm still a human being.

I have let myself be trapped by my own ego. I've been sober a few years now, Alcoholics Anonymous and I had some success financially. Have to have something to flaunt to the newcomers. Right? I walked into Beverly Hills, Cadillac Agency.

I bought myself a Cadillac convertible. I drove that to the Venice meeting. Remember? And I parked that in front of the door where you had to go over it, under it, or through it. I walked into the meeting and there is a newcomer, and I'm had bragged about, I'm gonna get a car.

That sort of shit. There's a newcomer talking to my sponsor, and he says to my sponsor, what kind of a car did Sam get? My sponsor says, he got a green one. I said it's a Cadillac convertible, you old fool. Come here, punk.

There's 2 kinds of cars, those that run and those that don't run. You got that? I knew better than to mess with him. You see, he was not my first sponsor. The 1st lower companion meeting I went to, I found the guy that I used to drink with, and he he disappeared.

And there he was in a and a. So I asked George to be my sponsor. Now George had a rather liberal program. I was a few days sober, and George and I are going to a meeting. We stopped to get something to eat.

George ordered a ham sandwich and a bottle of beer. I said, George, I think that's a no no. George says to me, beer did not have that. I had what he termed frantic sobriety, and he had bullshit filters in his his ears. So he could translate my bullshit.

The first time I met him, I was about a month or so and a half sober, and I heard him say at a meeting, he said I'm sober today, and I'm not unhappy about it. And that was my problem because I was screaming mad about everything. I was depressed all the time. I ran out of a meeting in Venice yelling at them. You son of a bitches will never pressure me into happiness.

That's where you got your name. That's right. You got that. Alright. Yeah.

That's where I got off the wall and ripped it up. I stomped on it. I said, this goddamn thing doesn't work. And I went out the door, and as I went out the door, there's a little woman sitting there, and she said, why, there goes Serenity Sam. Stuck with that goddamn nickname.

But the sponsor with the bullshit filters in his ear, the one that saved my life because he translated for me. After I've been sober for a little while, my intellectual phony intellectualism returned. I explained to him all the books I'd read. He said, you're nothing but a well read idiot. I was beginning to tear the program apart by that time.

I said, those stupid cliches, they don't mean shit to me. I said, what the hell does live and let live mean? He said it means mind your own goddamn business. Something I could understand. I said what about think, think, think?

He said in your case, it's with what, what, what. I didn't trust anybody. So those early meetings I went to, they've given me a meeting directory. And in the back of it, there's blank pages, so some of them would put their name in there and their phone number. They said, you call me before you take that drink.

I don't care if it's 4 o'clock in the morning, but you call me before you take the drink. So I thought, I wonder what it is. So I set my alarm and got up. I called them to see if they meant it. Some of them did and some didn't.

I've had some downer and depressed times in my sobriety, and I didn't give a shit what the hell happened. Up yours yours, everybody else's. Because I allowed myself to get painted myself into the corner. That's what happened. A lot of people around me were dying.

My sponsors had died. Both of them died. So the next 2 I got after that first one, and I didn't have anything to depend on. I was spiritually bankrupt. I was into material possessions, collecting things, standing around near the coffee pot with a big book under my arm with a lot of expensive clothes on, flaunting the money.

There's nothing in press you, Dexter. Showing off my awareness. I explained to my sponsor how I was so many people about different types. I had a wonderful brain. He said, well, perhaps you should get group insurance for yourself.

Then if you're gonna remain that way, it's schizophrenic. He said you have to work the 12 steps, one for each. I said, bullshit, I'm getting integrated. I work those damn suckers once. It's enough.

Well, I've had to continue to And I I left a meeting about the hearts anonymous one evening, and I started to cry. And I I left a meeting about the heart synonymous one evening, and I started to cry. I fell apart on the way home. I was determined to kill Wrote a suicide note that said, dear god, you son of a bitch. See you in a few minutes.

Here. We're gonna get coffee next I went back up and laid down in the back seat of the car and discovered I had to go to the pan. I'm not going to be found with wet pants. I got up on my back in the house. While I'm in there, the phone rang.

I am nosy. I answered the phone on my deathbed, and it was a newcomer in a depression. He is interrupting my suicide attempt with his sniveling, Being sober for a long time, I had to tell him how wonderful I felt. We gurus don't have bad days. I had to interrupt the conversation and say just a moment after go out and turn off the motor on the car.

But I had to get over that, that dishonesty and that lie. I had talked to a few people about my depression, and I've gotten a bunch of shit. One of them says to me, oh, Sam, you're sober too long for that. And I'm standing there ready to kill myself. This creep comes on with that.

Another one said, well, why don't you work one of the steps? And Why don't you go see so and so? He's a spiritual giant. Thank you, man. No.

I don't want those things. That's the Real alcoholic drink. I found myself in a phone booth one evening too, and I was crying, and I couldn't get out of the goddamn thing. And I called a guy that I've known a lot of years. He said, oh, Sam.

I don't follow me with that shit. You're always depressed lately. I don't wanna hear it. And he hung up. I called the man that I had met that evening.

He had 80 some days, and he said, I understand. He said, where are you at? And I told him, he said, you stay right there. I'll be there in 10 minutes. And he was.

And that's when I learned to listen and to communicate with new people. And I have learned not to hide what has bothered me. So when I see some of these goddamn tired ass old fools with just on their big books, sitting in meetings. I've been sober for a 100 years. They got an autograph picture of Bill Wilson.

I saw one of these old assholes not too long ago. Right up in the creek here in Hermosa Beach. Bunch of newcomers there. The one guy was he was doing this. He was still shaking.

This creek gets on the podium and says, oh, I'm so glad you're here. You saved my life by just letting me see you tonight. He came on. He got so spiritual and he got tears in his eyes. And that meeting was over about 10 minutes later, and that old son of a bitch went right past that newcomer.

Alright. I have to put my actions where my mouth is, and I don't mouth it off too damn much. I can say I'm grateful. I don't mean shit unless I feel it. And I have to hold out my hand to that newcomer.

And I think about some of the newcomers that are in my life today, and I think what would have happened if I had stayed home the night that I met them, I would have missed out on that, and I need them. It is a mutual thing. I had forgotten what my sponsor said to me. He said sponsorship is the friendship of 2 people for the benefit of both of us. And I can stay home and watch Slipp A Vision.

And I get hung up on anything. I let Cal Worthington become my higher power. I do not stay sober on what I did a lot of years ago. I stay sober on what I do today. I still work those damn steps.

I still answer the phones at a central office very anonymously that keeps the goddamn personalities out of it, out of my life, at least. The people that I work with, I have one rule with them. Never mention my name under any circumstances in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It keeps the personalities out of it because I became a guru. I sit there.

I went to a lot of Gucci star fucker meetings. I went there and bumped my facade into other facades and I posed as a human being. I was a closet human being hiding behind that facade. Well, I'm dressed up tonight. This is it.

Don't impress anybody, certainly not myself. I've got to be a human being who is living, experiencing, feeling, doing things. I believe that God's will for me is trial and error. I don't have any direct pipeline to this power. I don't want it.

I see people that claim to have it. They're no earthly good. So spiritually, they can't get above their dead ass. Just sit around and ooze willingness. I know how to do that.

I could spend a whole day turning sloth into meditation. I spent a whole day last last week covering my neighbor's wife. I'm just praying for them to move. There was a period in my life I wouldn't have admitted those things to anybody. Not so sure I wanna admit them now.

I think I've said things here tonight I didn't intend to say. I don't put any governing ruling thing up here. I hear people that, oh, it's the committee up here that's doing it. It's not a committee, that's me. That's somebody else.

I hear all these excuses, rationalizations. I couldn't help it. It got hard and I followed it. I take the responsibility for my own actions. Blame anything on anybody else.

I don't care if it is their fault. I'm the one that's stuck with whatever happens a lot of times. I don't blame my parents. I don't care if I wake up on judgment day and find out that my parents, society, that church that I went to, they're 95% of the blame. What's the difference?

I'm stuck with me. What am I gonna do? My father's dick, I piss on his grave? Well, that's not a bit. I am stuck with me.

I'm the only I am the problem, but I'm the solution. If I come to and talk about these things or bothering me, I have very simple beliefs. I live only because I'm a member of AA. If I sound like an AA fanatic, that's that's it. I'll have to sound like an AA fanatic.

I don't know of any place else to go. It's worth a damn. And I have had some comfortable, don't have a direct pipeline. He doesn't tell me what to do. I gotta go out and try I've got I don't have a direct pipeline.

He doesn't tell me what to do. I gotta go out and try I make mistakes. A lot of them. I want you to see it. I don't wanna hide anything.

I have no secrets. You wanna ask me a question, I got a direct answer. You wanna see me? Knock on my door. I've lived in the same place 9 years.

I didn't use do that. I'm the type that moves in the middle of the night with 2 brown paper bags. That's everything. I stand up for my what I do. I stand up and I'm counted.

I'm not all that popular in some places around here. You might as well know that. I'm not universally loved. I got a letter not too long ago asking me to cease and desist with my dirty mouth about a club up the street here in Hermosa Beach. I'll break her out.

Give me a damn job. Because I call their coffee bar the herpes room. That whole club is the black hole of AA. People go in there and never seen again. Stand up and be count.

You have as much right to say anything you want to do. In a medium alcohol, it's not. Is there any place else? Just say it. I don't lean on my ears.

I lean on my experience. I wanna learn from it. I don't wanna repeat a lot of that shit. I wanna do it right so I don't have to come back here. I about reincarnation or some of that shit, but I don't wanna come back and have to do all this over again.

Right. Yes. I don't want I don't care if I wake up on judgment day and find out I'm an alanine. That's that's that's pretty drastic, but I'd rather be an AA by mistakes than out there by mistakes on mistakes. I get along with Alan Hahn's most of the time.

1 of them punched me. She did. The woman, she punched me and she tried to hit me. I jumped back, but she hit me anyway. Because I during the meeting, I said, well, you know what?

Have sex with their eyes closed because they can't stand seeing alcoholic having a good time. I've been accused of not taking the program serious, but I do. I take it serious but not somber or deadly. Life to me is my sobriety, and they're they're like this. They are way too important to be taken all that serious.

What if we wake up on judgement day and find out this whole thing is a cosmic joke? I'm doing easy time on this planet while I'm here. I don't know what my length of time is here. How do they get from? Nobody does.

I know something to cling to. But I wanna do easy time while I'm here. I wanna do contribute something to the human race instead of take all the time. I'm a great one to take, but I have to contribute today because I and I do it a lot of times because I want to and because that book tells me to. I've learned not to argue too much for that book.

But as you can see, I have a pretty good time. I've spent a lot years with all those suicide notes in the entire world and screw you. Not that way anymore. I'm very lucky. I'm a very lucky human being.

Anybody with even a little bit of sobriety is lucky. Push that luck, maintain it, and use it. So, yeah, I talked a little past my time there. What time is this thing on? 9:15 is when we do Oh, well, do we have questions and answers now?

Or what what do we do now? We have either questions or participation. Oh, participation. I that's been participate. But if you got questions, ask me questions.

I got nothing to hide. So there it is too. That's it. Over now. I approve.