The Northern Plains Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Fargo, ND

In the hidden water down here. My name is Dustin Langan, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Dustin. Been sober due to the grace of God, Alcoholics Anonymous and and, meetings like this since December 7th 2001. My sponsor told me to be, to be humble right before I got up here.

So thanks a lot and have a great night. No. Usually, you know, when you speak you're told to talk. It's gonna happen a lot tonight. Talking in a in a general way, what it used what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like now.

And, for me, like Leah first, thank thank Leah and Gary for, doing a great job, and thanks to Kenny for asking me to share. But just just like them, you know, for me, I always felt like I was playing catch up all the time, you know. Gotta have what he has, gotta be with her, gotta gotta have that car, gotta have those those fat crayons, you know, whatever it was. I always needed something else because what I had never seemed good enough. And and as a result of of working with the sponsor and stuff, I know now that I was comparing my insides and how I felt to other people's outsides.

And, and I never I never measured up ever. I always came up short and I always had to, go above and beyond, you know, to try to get that attention, to try to fit in, to try to get people to like me, for whatever reason, you know. Leah talked a lot about stealing, and and I was stealing at a young age, you know, whatever I could, you know, whether it was tomatoes out of my neighbor's garden and then throwing them at his house or whatever, you know. And and I seem, you know, we were up in International Falls, me and a few guys not too long ago, and, something hit me up there that, that makes a lot of sense, you know. I think that, from early on, I knew right from wrong.

I knew what the difference was, you know. I just made the decision all the time to do the wrong thing, but it because it seems like I got more attention, I got treated differently. I got treated the way I felt like I should when I did the wrong thing, you know. People seem to pay more attention to the kid who vandalized stuff and stole stuff and broke stuff and, and lied, you know. I had some stiff competition.

I got a sister who's 3 years younger than me and she's the perfect kid, you know. And, I had to be really, really bad because I had to, you know I don't know. I did. So I did. And, and it worked, you know.

For a long time, it got me the the I don't know. The attention. That's that's what it did for me. But, I don't remember when I started doing drugs or or anything like that. I just remember the first time that I drank.

A little bit about my childhood. My my my home was was very alcoholic once I started drinking. And, before that, it was very normal, you know, other than the stealing tomatoes and trying to break into my own house and denying it, having the cops called on me, and then breaking down into tears when the policeman showed up, pull out his handcuffs. I did it. It was me.

I don't wanna go to jail. I was, like, 10. I don't know. But, my my family was very normal. Very, you know, 2 kids, dog, very normal and it killed me, you know, it killed me and and into my drinking, I was wanted to be abused as a kid or wanted to be, you know, adopted or something.

Something that I can point my finger and say that is why I am the way I am. Because I didn't know why. I didn't know why alcohol and drugs did for me, what they did. I don't know why alcohol made me feel 10 times cooler than I than I knew I was and why alcohol made me feel 10 times smarter and and and, made me drive better and, think harder and do better in school and and, you know, all that stuff. But, I started drinking my first the first time I remember that I I drank to get drunk, it would it's a real common situation hanging out with some older guys.

One of the kids was actually, boy that you said whoop my butt. Every day after school, we get off the bus and he just totally want me right down on the end of the street, and I go home crying, you know. And and, when I was 12 years old, he, him and another buddy of mine, they wanna get drunk. I didn't know. Oh, okay.

You know, let's get some liquor. I thought this is cool because they're in a good mood. I'm in a good mood. I'm not getting beat up right now, so this is good. This is working out alright.

And, I happened you know, I did a lot of drugs too. And, that day, I happened to take a handful of of mini things, which are like Effigine pills or whatever. And, I was already buzzed by the time the the booze got there, you know, and, some hot dam and and some peppermint schnapps showed up and had my little tumbler with Coke and hot dam, and and I drank that down. And and I remember the feeling. It just all all my cares, all my insecurities, everything just went away, you know.

It was definitely, an an eye opener for me, you know. I realized that, this is good and there there's nothing bad that can come of this. You know? And, I grew up in a Catholic home. We went to church Saturdays.

First time I got drunk was on a Saturday, so it's 3:30. I have to ride my bike home. So I jump on my bike, and I'm rolling through the trail going to my house, and the wind was extra crisp, and it was just the sun was very warm and it felt great, you know, and I was so busy thinking about how good I felt that I ran right into my garage door. Boom. Wiped out, you know, and I'm like, I need to get get a grip.

You know? You're drunk. You're really drunk. You know? You're on some kind of pills.

You you just get a grip. You know? So I go inside and I'm, like, excited for church, you know, which is like my parents my parents knew right away. What's up with this kid, you know? So I'm, like, let's go.

Let's get in the wagon. We gotta roll. And, so we get in the station wagon and, which happened to be the first car I got in sobriety, by the way. Just remembered that. But, we get in the wagon and I get in the back seat and, I just got got really dizzy.

Got really carsick, and I'm just looking around. And the last thing I remember seeing was the the Silver Dollar Bar, and I'm from Mandan. If you've been to Mandan, you know about Silver Dollar Bar. And I look up, and it's, like, 2 blocks south of my church. I see this bar everywhere, you know, and both my parents are like hound dogs or I know what it's from.

What? You know, I was like, what is it from? Tell me. You know, I don't know why I'm sick. I'm not supposed to get sick.

I felt good 2 seconds ago. What's going on? But, they turned around, took me home, and, my dad, threshold carried me downstairs, laid me in the chair, and put put a blanket over me and tucked me in and I was just shaking, you know. I don't know what was going on and, he said, I hope you learned your lesson. And I looked up at him, I'll never drink again.

And, and and at the time I meant it, but then they left and I fell asleep and I woke up and I forgot all about it. I don't remember being hungover. I don't remember being sick. I didn't remember the, how crappy I felt right before I fell asleep. I don't remember the feelings of of my parents' disappointment.

I didn't remember any of that. I didn't make a decision that I wanted to get drunk all the time right away, but I just didn't remember feeling bad. And I knew that I had a really good time for that hour and a half or 2 hours right before I threw up. And, my whole life has has kinda been like that. Like, if I can have 2 hours of fun for a half hour of puking, I'm gonna do it.

It's worth it to me in my book, you know, but everything progressed after that, you know. I don't remember really trying to get alcohol probably for another year. I was 13 and and we're trying to get booze. And luckily, I had that, that bachelor next door neighbor guy who's willing to pick up a bottle of vodka or brass monkey, whatever he wanna drink. You know?

Me and my buddy Ryan, we'd go over there. We can buy some booze. You know? We got, like, change in our pocket. Like, we just need a 175, you know, and whatever.

And he'd be, like, looking around. I didn't get it for you. And he'd go, and then we'd get drunk. You know, we'd get liquor. We'd get drunk.

And, we got this is a beautiful night too. We got this is probably the first alcoholic woman I had. We got our 175, a brass monkey, and we're going we both had dirt bikes, and we're going back to hills where we rode dirt bike. And we're gonna hide it there till tomorrow because this is, like, a Thursday night or something. And, we're gonna get drunk on the weekend and got back there, and we're like, oh, let's just take a little drink now.

You know? So we did. We cracked it open, and, like, a half hour later, we're walking around, and we're just like, dude, we don't have any booze for tomorrow. You know? Just wasted on a Thursday night.

But it was beautiful, you know, and that's how I drink. I never saved anything. You know, people to me that were like that wouldn't give me a shot of their whiskey because they wanted to save some for tomorrow, I just hate it. You know? It's like you don't need it for tomorrow.

I need it right now, tonight. You know, let's get drunk. Let's do this, you know. I've always had a problem. I was always the class clown.

I always had a problem with authority and and I came up with a really good analogy for it, and my sponsor told me I could say it tonight. So, for me, authority, like, perfect example. I walk into a restroom, and there's a sign on the stall that says, please do not urinate on the toilet seat. Simple enough. So I don't urinate on the toilet seat.

There's a sign up there that says, please do not urinate on the toilet seat. Thank you, management. I'm peeing all over the bathroom. You know? The heater's getting it.

The toilet's getting it. The roll of toilet paper, the floor, everything. It's like, who's this management guy think he is? You know? I'm gonna get him.

So that's that's kinda how it was for me, you know. Teachers, I I went to recess too too much like Gary did, and then I got sent in early a lot. I never had to copy words out of the dictionary or anything, but, I just had to sit by the wall and wait for the other kids to come in. Went to a Catholic grade school, not the none kinda Catholic grade school, but just, you know, be a good person kind of school and, I didn't like it, you know. It really clashed with my style a lot.

And, kind of a funny thing, I went to I went to grade school with, 2 other Dustins. So this whole anonymity thing is pretty cool because I've been Dustin else since I was, like, 5, you know. Which is funny. I don't know. So anyway, I, I'm just drinking and, I did a lot of drugs too, and I know this is an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, but, I was a tweaker.

And if there's anybody here that's a tweaker, 2 things I gotta say, there's no cameras behind the balloons and there's nobody behind the green curtain. You're safe here. You're alright. You know? Some of that stuff is is hard to shake.

You know. Every time I come in here, I just gotta look. Yeah. But but I did a lot of drugs, you know. That's that was the thing to do.

The people that I wanted to be like, the people that I hung out with, they drank all the time, they did a lot of drugs, and, and that was cool for me, you know? And I made a decision probably sometime in junior high that I don't need to be anything else except for the cool guy. You know? I don't need to try hard in school because I'm just naturally intelligent. I don't need to, try hard to get the girlfriend because I'm just naturally good looking, you know.

I have all these natural talents so I can focus all my energy on drinking and, forget about everything else. And, and that's what happened. I totally forgot about everything else. In high school, I was the guy that, you know, once I found out how well alcohol worked, I wanted to get a head start. Everybody was was very happy when school got out, so I wanted to be happier.

So I skipped my last class and started getting drunk in the parking lot. You know? Everybody come out, oh, it's Friday. We're out of school. I'll be like, yeah.

I know. Let's go. You know? We're gonna party. But, I skipped a lot of school.

I didn't go. My junior and senior year, I think I had, like, a 160 absences combined. I've I got through school with I started I ended with a a 2.5, and my my last year was, like, a 1.7. So you do the math. That's, that's where alcohol took me.

You know? I really I quit caring, and, alcohol fixed everything. I get in a fight with my friend. We get drunk later. You know?

I get in a fight with my girlfriend, get drunk, forget about it. She'd be back the next day. It really did work. It honestly did. And, I didn't have issues.

I didn't have the insecurities. I didn't have the fear. I didn't have the what am I gonna do about this problem, you know. And like I said, any little amount of trouble I I got into was worth it. It was it was definitely worth it.

Excuse me. Got in trouble when I was 16, my first minor. Another authority story. Cop comes down and we got about a 130 people down along the river and bus our party up. And and he, writes me on a citation for for minor in consumption.

So I figured he got me for the night. He's gonna leave me alone. So I sit on top of his the hood of his car, the hood of his cruiser, and put my feet on his bumper and light up a cigarette. Not a good idea if you're 16 years old. He came over and told me what he thought of that and gave me another citation for minor possession of tobacco.

And, I got really upset, and he handcuffed me and threw me in the back of his car. And, that was my first lesson, and if you'd be nice, they'll be nice to you with the law. But, I got arrested a lot. I got arrested a lot. We got put on probation since I was, like, 15 or 16.

I had a probation op or, a counselor that I went to go see who, who would tell me to try things like, not hanging out with old friends and tell tell me why can't you just not drink? Why can't you just go to your parties and not drink? And and I would tell her I would, you know, sitting there up for, like, 7 days, getting ready to go drink, got booze in my car, and I'm just like, I will tonight. You know? I'll try it.

And I and and I really I I was like, she's probably right. This would probably work for me. And I'd go the minute I leave her door, it it forget it. It. You know?

I mean, there's nothing about getting sober in my books. There's nothing about quitting drinking. I don't have a problem. You know? Everybody else has a problem.

My mom and dad love me too much or, the cops pick on me. They know my car. They're after me. The twig of cameras and the balloons, you know. They're out to get me.

I mean, I seriously thought the world was out to get me. But what alcohol did was it made me forget about that and it and it helped me to be at ease, you know, all the time. Is it was I've heard it said before, but, I'm gonna say it again that drinking taking a drink of alcohol is probably the most spiritual experience that I've ever had. Get all shaky thinking about it because, really, the way I feel right now, I know it'll go away in a heartbeat. All I gotta do is take a drink.

Gone, you know. I'm okay. I'm comfortable. But the problem is still, problems keep building up. You know?

I'm not a real I don't I don't I don't believe in bottoms at all. You know, you hear about people hitting rock bottom and stuff, and, I think if you're still alive and breathing, I don't think you've hit rock bottom. That's my opinion only. But, my low point, I was, you know, I got in a lot of trouble, a lot of jail time, prison time, hanging over my head. I never went to prison, but, my PO finally had enough.

I got another another minor in consumption when I was 20, after countless drug tests failed, countless eye tests. I couldn't even follow a pen, and I'd be 3 days sober going in to see her. I've been clean for days. I'm alright. Follow this pen.

Where's it at? You know? What are you doing? And, so yeah. So she's finally she's she's had enough.

She's like, you're done. Sick of wasting my time on you. You can't be helped, you know. You're not staying sober. You're not doing anything to help yourself.

You're gonna go to prison. And, I threw probably one of my best alcoholic fits. I wish I had it on tape. I would love to see it again, to try to convince her that I don't belong in prison. You know?

I'm 20 years old. I got a minor. Come on. You know? I'm gonna get my butt kicked in prison.

Some little pongs get some I mean, there's people that murder people in there. I just drank. You know? Not a big deal. I didn't think.

So she did. She agreed to let me go to treatment. That's how I ended up down down here in Fargo. And, just going through treatment, and, I had a I got a sponsor before I even came to AA, and, she took really good care of me for the 1st few months. My current my current roommate, Brent, would always ask me.

He'd be like, you need to get a sponsor, you know. What are you gonna do when that falls through? We love each other, you know. It's not gonna fall through. Don't worry about it.

And, sure enough, it did, and I was broke. You know, I, made a couple of bad choices and and took off to a casino. And me being the responsible, sobering alcoholic that I am, I called the share house to let him know I was going to the casino, and didn't, think that was a good idea either, but, I did it anyway. And, I came back and they wanted to kick me out, so I reenacted my fit in front of my PO with them and called mom. Mommy, they're gonna do bad things to me.

Help me. And, and she did. She talked to the man, and the man lightened up a little bit, but they they they set out a list of things for me to do, and one of those things was get a sponsor. I I didn't know I needed a sponsor. I didn't know it's part of the, requirement to be to be sober.

You know, I really didn't. And, so I did. And this guy come in to talk to, the share house 1 night. He's talking really fast, and it this is such a bad story. Do not pick a sponsor because you think he can get you drugs.

Just don't, you know. I'm probably, like, one of the rare cases where it worked out, but Paul came in and he was rambling, and I was like, if I ever wanna use it again, this guy's got the hookup. So so I asked him to be my sponsor, and he's like, you do a few simple things. You know, you go to go to my home group, and we meet once a week, and you go to 3 meetings a week, and you call me before you drink. Okay.

Good enough. You know? Bought me a big book and, told me to read around it, whatever. He's like, we'll start going through this pretty soon. And, I was working at a job at the time that I had a lot of downtime, a lot of dead time.

It was customer service job for a a a bank in this town that should remain anonymous. And, I was sitting there with my headset on and had a lot of downtime, and I'm reading this book. And I got through the whole big book, front front cover to back cover 2 days. My sponsors get to really be proud of me now. I made it through the whole big book.

I'm done. You know? Graduated. I read the book. I got it.

And, I didn't get it at all. There's a lot of interesting stories in there. Something about some guy getting drunk and walking in front of a car or jaywalking or I don't know. There's something like that in there. You know?

I didn't remember any of it. I just thought read the book because then I'm done. You know? It's like school assignment. I'm I read the book.

I'm done. But, no, I went up to him and told him that and he's like, no, I'm gonna read the book to you when we meet. Oh, okay. You know? So we started doing that, and, and we started going through the book.

And I started learning a lot about myself, you know, by by telling him my problems. You know? Paul, I'm having a with my girlfriend. What do I do? Well, you've been fighting with her a lot.

Why don't you just break up with her? Your life would probably be a lot better. But, Paul, I love her. You know? I really do.

You know? And he wouldn't have it. He'd be like, well, I'm not even gonna talk to you about it anymore. Deal with it. You know?

And, I went through a lot of pain over that, because I was I was doing I was doing my thing, you know, taking taking the will into my hands. I had a a sponsor who has given me great suggestions, saving my life, doing his best to, to pull me out of the crap pile that I'd I'd laid myself into, and, and I wouldn't have it. You know? I still thought that my way was the best way, and I still do a lot of times today. Not just sometimes, but a lot of times.

You know? It seems like anything my Kelvin sponsors me now, and it seems like anything he tells me just just the hair on my back, the, like, 3 pieces that there are stand up, and I just was like, Kelvin, no. Then it gives me the look like you're gonna get drunk if you don't do it. Alright. You know?

And I end up doing it. You know? It goes I've being a good person, being helpful, being honest, being, you know, jeez, I stole stuff in sobriety. My my first job, I worked at the, hotel that's remained anonymous here in Fargo. I stole 36 sets of silverware.

The worst part about it is the box of knives that I stole wasn't full. So when I had to take them back to make amends, here's a full box of forks, full box of spoons, and half a box of knives, you know. I don't have them at home. I'm I'm serious, you know. Like, this is all I took and they kinda looked at me and and I was expecting to get fired and whatever, you know.

But they didn't. They didn't take away my key. They didn't do anything. They said, if you need something, just ask and we'll help you out. Blew me away.

Abs I stole from these people and they're like, just ask. And I was like, well, can I have some steaks? I don't have any food at home, you know. But, but that's the kind of things that this program has done for me, you know. I can still screw up.

I can steal. I can lie. I can I can do all that stuff because that's me? That's what I've trained myself to be. That's my defense mechanisms.

That's what keeps me from letting you guys inside. Because inside here I'm scared. I'm terrified, you know. You find out what's really going on in my life and and you're gonna just disown me, you know. You're not gonna wanna be my friend.

You're not gonna wanna sponsor me anymore. You're not gonna wanna be my sponsor brother. You're not gonna wanna be my roommate. You're not gonna wanna be my girlfriend, whatever, you know. You're not gonna want me working for you anymore.

I have defense mechanisms that I have I have spent years perfecting, and they're they work so well to normal people. You know? But there that's the beauty of this thing. I come in here in this room and you guys all see right through it. You all know what's going on in my life.

You all know when I'm having an off day, having an on day. You know how to help. You know? I can't help myself. I'm I'm an alcoholic, and and I love to drink alcohol.

I love to steal. I love to lie. I love to manipulate. You know? I don't know how to stop.

I I can't. You know, I didn't until I came to, Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know that when you have a bad day, all it takes is a candy bar to get through it. You know? These are keys that your sponsor will tell you, so get a sponsor and you to eat chocolate.

And the story behind that, I'm gonna tell that story too because Zach hasn't given me any cards in the last couple minutes. So, I was just upset one day, and I was in the car, and I was just complaining to Kelvin. I was using a lot of bad language, and why won't any of my sponsors listen and they're all getting drunk and what's going on? And then just I hate life and, he just looks at me. Here's what here's the deal, Dustin.

He says, here's what I want you to do. I said, okay. What you want me to do? He said, go to the store and buy 2 of your favorite candy bars. Big Cat, Kit Kat.

I know that. I got an answer. Okay. So far so good. Eat one of them, and then I want you to think of 10 things you're grateful for.

And then then you can eat the other one. You know? So I did, and I tear into the first candy bar. I'm like, I feel good. Yeah.

I'm grateful for blah blah blah blah blah. You know, my mom, my my sister, 8 things. I got 8 things, and I was out. I was out of things to be grateful for. I was so mad because that candy bar was sitting right there.

It's like, 2 more things. 2 more things. And then the light turned green. I was like, I'm grateful for the green light. I'm grateful I got air in my tires.

Done, you know, but it works. It really works. You know, I quit I quit thinking about myself. I quit thinking about my problems. It really worked.

I was really amazed. I have yet to tell that to one of my guys guys yet either. They're the sick model sponsor, Easley, that you're talking about. But, I don't know. This thing is amazing.

I would not have the things I have today inside in here. You know? Because when I came into the program, I thought everything else was messed up. I thought everything else everybody else had the problem, but I found out that I'm sick. I'm sick.

I'm very sick, and, this is where I get well. You know? It's like a diabetic needing insulin. You know? You guys this meeting, other meetings, my sponsor, that's my insulin.

That's what keeps me in check. That's what keeps my mind and my body flowing regularly. You know? I don't think I'd necessarily have a seizure and die if I quit coming to meetings, but so what's the difference? You know?

We all know how how this disease can get us, you know. And if you don't, grab somebody, ask them to be your sponsor, and they'll tell you how it'll work, you know. This disease not only tells me that if I drink, I'll be okay, but it tells me that if I drink more, I'm gonna be even better. And, I know now that it's it's true, but it's only temporary. You know?

I have a permanent problem, and I need a permanent solution. And, in 8 or 9 years of of drinking and using and abusing and and raping and pillaging, I have yet to find a permanent answer. No probation officer has ever helped me. No counselor has ever helped me. No teacher, my my parents, you know, none of that.

Why do you do this? None of that. Why don't you quit? None of that. You need to cut back.

None of that. You know, this is your 17th car you've wrecked this week. None of that worked. I I have never I don't know. It just doesn't.

It didn't for me. I'm an alcoholic, and this is where I belong if I want a a shot at at doing things right in the world. And I I think back, you know, like, where when I started out, I said that, you know, you have a list of things you wanna be when you grow up and you know right from wrong. And I never didn't want the good things in life. I always wanted the good things in life.

You know? I just I was so into myself and into my my alcoholism that I didn't care to, to try to achieve them. And and alcoholics anonymous has given me the means to do it, you know. Gary talked about the book. I have it.

It's right there. That's my manual for living. You know? I got I got someone who who knows the book better than me to tell me how to how to explain it to me, you know, who makes me look up words in the dictionary if I don't know him. But that's what's worked for me.

You know? I have a great job today. I have a car that drives. I have friends that care. I have a family that loves.

And, and as I'm doing pretty good for myself too, I'm able to do all that stuff for other people. And, I don't know. It's all new to me, and I'm learning more every day. So I'm gonna keep coming back. That'll pass.