Big Book Workshop Weekend in Altamore Springs, FL

One of the worst you know, one of the guys I sponsor, Sheldon has a great saying. He says that if if the story with Scott's if we if we if we agree with the story Scott talked about about the frogs on the log and and what they 2 of them decide to jump in the water, how many are still there? And the answer is still 3 because they only decided. Sheldon says, if you really take step step 7, you'll hear the splash. Right?

That's where you hit the water. That's where you really throw the towel in. This is no longer decision. You're entirely ready. You're you're there.

And it's really about surrender. And one of the hardest surrenders, of anyone I've ever heard about occurred in the 19 the mid 19 forties. In the mid 19 forties, the Japanese empire was faced with extinction. 2 atomic weapons had been set out on 2 of their major cities. They had no atomic bombs.

They had no defense against this. They were facing absolute annihilation. Sound familiar? Right. And I can't imagine a more fear rot surrender because they had to surrender in the face of the knowledge of what they did at Pearl Harbor, what they did to the prisoner of war camps, the 1,000 and thousands of Americans they killed.

Some of them they tortured, and they had to surrender knowing that we knew all that. Can you imagine a more frightening surrender? And in the Pacific fleet, they signed their 3rd step. They did their formal formal terms of surrender. But they were required to do some things.

Signing that was not enough. They had to give they had to they had to submit an inventory of all their defenses. And dismantle those defenses, their guns, their cannons, their navy, their air force, their army. And dismantle those defenses and render them over to this power greater than themselves who, at that point, could have annihilated them because they would have been defenseless. And like all surrendered people or peoples in a surrendered position, they took a stance of service.

And the Japanese had developed a service ethic. And if you ever read the story of what has happened what happened in their businesses and their service and their business ethic since World War 2. They developed an other centered ethic that was amazing. It was they they were such team players. They it was not a they went to work for one reason and one reason only, to serve, to be a part of the family, to be an integrated part.

There was no self there. There was no unions. There was nobody saying, what about me? It was all serving a whole greater than themselves. And as a result of that service and surrender that surrender and service, within 40 years, the Japanese owned more of the United States than they could have ever conquered or held by military means.

And I was over in Japan for an Alcoholics Anonymous conference about 15 years ago, and I saw the beginning of the end for them. I saw all their young kids with the boom boxes now. They were not bowing to each other. All the respect was gone. They were all wearing American clothes, listening to rock and roll music.

They were all had no respect for their elders, and they weren't they were serving themselves. And the one the thing the thing that really got me, of all the there was incredible restaurants in Tokyo. Incredible. Some of the best food I ever ate in the world. There was one restaurant you couldn't get into at a block 2 likes 2 at a line 2 blocks long.

It was McDonald's. I saw that and I thought, it's the beginning of the end. It's the beginning of the end. And what has happened to their economy? It became very self oriented over the last few years.

And that's not the only factor that caused it from being almost the top of the food chain and the world economy down to, like, they're not doing too good today. But that was one I am I believe in my heart that was one of the factors. As the spirit gets sick and isolated, everything else follows. In our book, it says when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. And I think this thing, this realm of the spirit is good for every I think I think it permeates this planet.

It permeates our relationships, our business. When our business got sick of spirit, the financial stuff followed. When it got healthy of spirit, the financial stuff followed. Scott? I've got a friend at home who says if he could get every newcomer one thing, he'd give him 500 cc's of desperation right in the butt.

Just well, we do good with the desperate ones, don't we? And something I missed, earlier when we were talking about the, sex inventory, a friend of mine says dating before you've actually done the 12 steps. It's like pouring miracle grow on your character defects. Mhmm. Yeah.

One of the things that I found interesting when I got here I got here as a taker. Moe many of us do, and and I thought I was gonna have to transition to being a giver. I was incorrect about that. The first transition was from taker to receiver. The difference is that a taker can't take anything worth having, and the receiver says thank you and ask for some more, and it contains humility.

Having been a receiver for a while, it then becomes possible for me to give, but I can't go from taker to giver because I don't have anything. And I thought for a long time that it was my willingness to give that would keep the channel open between me and god. I don't believe it anymore. Believe it's my willingness to receive because that contains humility. It's been my experience that when you're hurting and I get the chance to love on you and do these things you've taught me, I get this wonderful closeness to god from that experience.

When it's my turn to receive, if I don't let you know, I block your chance to get close to God by giving. I think it's the second most selfish act there is. I think suicide's first. Yeah. So I have to remember that it's important for me.

I I know a lot about this stuff, and I've I've been with some of the greats. And I've been around for a while. I have a lot of experience, and the most important things I take to my home group are my mistakes and my pain because it makes it okay for anybody else who who respects my program to be real. I think we lose a lot of old timers because they think, you know, I've been here so long. I shouldn't be feeling this.

The new people don't need to see this, and they die. And I disagree. It's exactly what the new people need to see. They need to see it's okay to be real. I have to continue to be real here, and that's important for me.

And I think part of the beginning of that is in step 8. The big book runs steps 89 together, kinda, and I don't have a complaint about that. But, the reading on those steps kinda runs together, and but I would observe a couple of things. In step 8, what I need is a list of the people I've harmed. If you follow the 4 step Bob and I talked about today, it's really easy.

It's the 4th column of the resentment inventory and the last column in the sexual misconduct category. And that gets most of them. Little prayer energy, and you'll find the rest if there are any. Now you got a list of people that you, that you owe amends to, and then it asks about the willingness. Here we go again.

I count 5 prayers in steps 89 here in the text. The first one's on page 76. About a little past halfway down the page, it says, we subjected ourselves to drastic self appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self will and run the show ourselves.

Here it comes. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. We don't ask once. We ask until it comes. That's the first of those prayers.

The next one and I'm not saying aren't more. It's just the I found 5. Page 79. My sponsor the book uses the word sorry. My sponsor refused for me to use the word sorry when I was making amends.

He said, you've told him you were sorry long enough. They don't believe you anymore. That word has no power for you anymore. You will not use it. Yes, sir.

Alright. Page 79, first full paragraph. Although these reparations, that's that's not an apology. It means to repair the damage. Taking innumerable forms, there are some general principles that we find guiding.

Reminding ourselves we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask I wonder what that is. I think it's a prayer. We ask that we'd be given the strength and direction to do the right thing no matter what the personal consequences may be. That's pretty clear. On the 9th step in the short form refers to this idea about, well, here, let's take a look at it on page 59.

Made direct amends to such people wherever, not whenever, but wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. I clearly do not fall into the category of others. I clearly do not. Right? From what I just read here on pay back on page 79, asking that, we'd be given the strength and direction to do the right thing no matter what the personal consequences may be.

Top of page 80. Before taking drastic action, what might implicate other people, we secure their consent. If we have obtained permission, have consulted with others, asked god to help, looks like a prayer to me, and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink. Page 82. Perhaps in some toward the top of the page, perhaps in some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded, no outsider can appraise such an intimate situation.

It may be that both will decide that the way of good sense and loving kindness is to let bygones be bygones. Each might pray about it. And listen to the attitude and the prayer. I love this. Having the other one's happiness uppermost in mind.

Well, that's not terribly self centered, is it? Page 83. Yes. There is a long period of reconstruction ahead. Now there are people that disagree with this, and I'm comfortable with it.

I wanna talk about my own personal experience. I I walked out of a meeting one time, and a fellow whose sponsor I sponsored stopped me and said that I, he said I disagree with something you said in the meeting. What I had said was that my amendments to my children would never be complete. He said that's not right. Did you go to your children and tell him what you had done wrong?

Did you ask for their forgiveness? Did you ask what you could do to make it right? Did they tell you, and did you do it to the best of your ability? I said, yeah. I did.

All of that's correct. He said, you're trying to be the best father you can be. It's not 9 step work. It's 12. It's the principles in all your affairs.

If you think it's 9 step work, you have not accepted their forgiveness or gods or your own, and you have work to do. My book does not use the phrase continuing amends or living amends. And if you're making them and your sponsor says so, I think that's great. But I got free that day, and I sure am watching a lot of kids manipulate us into doing some really stick sick stuff under the banner of you were a bad parent in the past. My admits to my children are complete.

I'm trying to be a good dad today. It's not 9 step work. It's 12. It's the principles in all my affairs. Yeah.

For me, red flags this is me again. One of the great truths. If there isn't anything that's right for me that's wrong for anybody else, they may or may not like it. It ain't wrong for them. When I told my daughter the party was over and I wasn't financing it anymore, it was right for me, and she didn't like it.

She'll tell you today it wasn't wrong for her. Yeah. It it needs to be that way. So this thing about a period of reconstruction, yeah, I gotta build again, but I think that's the principles in all my affairs. That rebuilding for me is not part of immense.

Now those who disagree, I think that's great. Moving it right along. We must take the lead a remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past that we see it being careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring to me, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible.

So we clean house with the family. Here's a prayer. Asking each morning in meditation that our creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love. So that's 5 prayers. And those, I I think that's really important.

I want to, I wanna talk about I I mentioned earlier, and I'm gonna say again. If you've been involved in abortion and you're good with it, I'm good with it. I have no opinion on that. I really don't. But that was a hard one for me, and it's a hard one for some other people.

I'm here only helping them try to get free. I'm not talking about political stuff here. I'm really not. And a number of you have come to me already. I'm looking forward to talking to the others.

I got a handout on this, by the way. But I needed I had a big spiritual experience. I haven't got time to talk about it right now, but I was in treatment. I was laying there thinking about that. And I reached bottom, which for me, of course, was of the spirit.

And I screamed out to god for forgiveness, and I got it. And I had this huge white light, beautiful experience. And, when I got to step 9, it looked to me like I owed a man's to an unborn child, and I didn't think it could be none. From my earliest days, I've been in the hands of people who knew this book. This is page 83 toward the bottom.

Some people cannot be seen. We send them an honest letter. Pretty clear. It has been my experience that as we demonstrated earlier, the 4 step isn't much about writing. It's about observations and prayers.

It is my experience that this letter is not about writing. It is about tears. And I say I've I've I've put that on it's on the same sheet as learn how to cry. If you're interested in 1, I got them stacked over here. I'd love you to have 1.

And I got free. I absolutely got free. Nothing happens in here when I talk about that. I've been through the forgiveness process. I was abused as a child.

Nothing in here happens because I've been through the forgiveness process in step 4. And I think step 9 really completes the forgiveness process, and I can't explain that, but I but I can report it. One of the interesting things is when I by the time I get a fellow to step 9, his life has changed. Right? He's been promoted at work.

He's bringing the paycheck home. He flips the switch. The lights come on. The phone rings, and he's not afraid to answer it. He's sleeping in the big bed.

Right? So his motivation's a little bit gone. And he looks he says, you know, I can't make a 140 amends, and I and I agree he can't. They make one today, Make one tomorrow. 100 and 40 days from now, we'd be done at that rate.

And so I applied the day at a time thing to sponsoring someone through step 9. What amend are you gonna make next? Because I don't care which one he makes next. Now sometimes I do. Sometimes fresh from a divorce, he doesn't need to go try to make that one.

Let's let that cool a little Alright. And and and I think god bless his sponsorship. You'll know those answers. But let's talk about which one's next. Okay.

Yeah. Right. You need to call that person on the phone, schedule an appointment. When can you call them? Why can't you call them right now?

Good. Call me right back. I wanna know when the appointment is. Okay. Good.

Tomorrow at 2 o'clock? Great. Call me at 2:30. I wanna know how it went. 140 times later, we're done.

The other thing I like to do is to start people sponsoring when they get into step 9. Because one of the things that really keeps them moving is look over their shoulder and see this rookie gaining on them. They do not wanna be passed by someone they're sponsoring. It really, really is a wonderful sponsorship tool in my opinion. I was told that a men's are short.

My mother didn't need to hear the litany of all the things I had done. That was not gonna help her. Most people don't. And I was told that it's it's very brief. You say things like, I was wrong.

I believe I've hurt you. I'd like to make that right. What can I do? Do you need to talk to me about other things? I don't have to take abuse.

I have a decision to make. And, also, I think it's kind of interesting that we're not asking you to turn your will on life over the care of someone that you amends to. I sponsored a guy, big Ken Sweeney. He's gone now. Big Ken said that the day before he got to recovery, he hated everybody, and he wished there was more of them.

If you've gone to make amends to big Ken, you would still be bleeding. My sponsor's final authority on what this amend is. I need to hear what they think it is. And if it's reasonable, I can go for it. But my sponsor's final authority on what that amend is.

This person isn't. And that was important to me. The amends are short. One of the trickiest ones, and, I share this again. It's just my experience about making amends, is, I'm phrasing this best I can, is for a guy to go to a lady whose charms he has availed himself of lightly and to make amends to her without making her feel cheap.

There's no reason for that. And what I like to say is to suggest that a guy says is that I wasn't as good a friend to you as I could have been. I believe I've harmed you. I'd like to make it right. That's enough.

That's enough. Let's let's making somebody feel cheap is not part of making amends. That's no good. I also recommend do not mess up an amend with an excuse. You'll take all the power out of it.

It takes all the power away. There's a wonderful line here on page 84. Says we will suddenly realize that god is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. It doesn't say god will suddenly begin to do for us what we couldn't do for ourselves. It says my realization will be sudden.

That's kind of interesting, and that does happen at about that time. My wife came up with something on her own that really helped me a lot, and she calls it good amends. It's where you go back and thank people. I have sins of commission, things I did, and sins of omission, things I should have done. And one of the things I didn't do was thank people who deserve to be thanked in my life, and I heard her talk about that.

And this I'll tell you what's great fun is is making what she calls good amends. I went back to the man that was my major professor in college, and I thanked him. And I went back, and I thanked the man that taught me to fly. And I don't know if it did anything for them. I can tell you it did for me.

And, one of the way I'm under assignment, by the way, by my sponsor. I have a sponsor, and I am sponsored. Those are separate concepts like going to work and working. Not necessarily the same thing. Right?

You got that? And one one of my assignments is to spread the joy, and I'll talk about that for just a little bit because it has to do with amends. And, there was a Christmas day, and we ran out of milk. So at halftime, I raced down to the convenience store. I grabbed the gallon of milk.

I raced over to the counter, and I got a gift. I didn't do this. I received a gift, and the gift was this part of me, so a human being, standing behind a counter probably making minimum wage on Christmas day. And the gift was that this part of me saw him and said to him, thank you for working on Christmas Day. Man, I bet there's some place you'd rather be.

But you see, my family ran out of milk. If you hadn't come to work today, I couldn't have gotten it. I really appreciate you being here. Thank you. Me and I both cried.

It touches me now. What a gift. So I try to really, really say thank you as much as I can. Anybody here ever been over thanked? Mhmm.

Yeah. Especially on the weekend. I I do when I fly home tomorrow on Sunday, I'll thank all the airline employees that I see for working on the weekend. Thank you for working on the weekend. Yeah.

It's a really neat way. We we raise the level of love in this world by doing loving things. Yeah. It's it's really a lot of fun. I talked just a little bit about, and, again, this is me, but I I I look at why why do I do 9 step.

It's to cleanse my own side. And, hopefully, as a side effect, we'll have a positive impact on these other folks. Page 66. And it's okay if they don't accept the amend. It's also okay if they don't remember me.

Yeah. Others have had that experience, man. They just didn't touch their reality. About the middle of the page, it says, for when harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. What I believe is that one of these days, my soul will stand naked before my creator, and we will review this movie I've made called Scott's Life.

And there are some places in there, some really ugly stuff. There are some places in there where I've done some things that have damaged some people that have every right to their resentments. And if the book's right and those resentments block me off from the sunlight of the spirit, then maybe they're blocking them from the sunlight of the spirit. And I'm gonna wanna be able to point at another frame in that movie where I tried to remove that blockage. I'm not responsible for the result, but I am sure responsible for the action.

This thing I was talking about, freedom, is embracing the results of my own actions. I have to try. It doesn't have to work, but I have to try. And I think it's just critically, critically important. I was talking earlier about that that amends letter to someone.

That's to anybody that's gone. Grandparent, someone you can't find. It's a spectacular event, and it doesn't work if you can't cry. It is that's why I put it on the back of that thing about learning to cry because I've watched people who can't cry to do that, and all they get is a sinus infection. Because that stuff, you know, blocks up in there, and they just simply don't get free.

They just don't get free. I'm about out of gas, and I think I'm gonna I'm gonna call it off right there. I I am, I want you to know, slightly offended that the speaker tonight is a special speaker, and we're just Bob and Scott. No job. And where's Rick?

Rick, you got some announcements to make, and then I'll close this with the lord's prayer. Rick, you got some announcements to make, and then I'll close this with the lord's prayer. Fellows in a much needed new experience in my own recovery. Amen. Please.

Amen. If they change their mind, they'll get they're gonna let you do it. We're gonna try to I wanna try to kinda recap a little bit on a couple things on step 8 and 9 before we move into the living, the maintenance. They're not really maintenance steps. They're growing steps.

Yeah. Growth steps. People call them the maintenance steps. You know, Alcoholics Anonymous, in a weird kind of way, was founded on step 8. Some of you know the story of of Bill and Bob.

They met in the Cyberlink gatehouse, Mother's Day, May 12th 1935. Bill, needed to talk to Bob. Bob didn't wanna talk to Bill. Matter of fact, I Bob's son had become pretty good friends over the years, and he I used to love to listen to him tell the story about being in the car with his dad. His his his mother was a strong woman, pre Al Anon strong woman, bringing him to talk to this Yankee about his drinking.

And, you know, I mean, Bob had had people talking to him about his drinking for years. You know, when you're an alcoholic, people show up to talk to you about your drinking. I mean, that's just the way it is. And so he's digging his feet in, but he's but he's guilty. You know how it is.

You've been on a run. You just came off a run and yes, dear. You know? So he's going. He doesn't wanna go, and he says 15 minutes.

Just please promise me I can't take none of this Yankee's preaching. 15 minutes. I'll put up with that. Then you gotta get me out of here, and they agreed I'll get 15 minutes. He went in there and to his surprise and delight and amazement, Bill Wilson didn't talk to doctor Bob about doctor Bob's drinking.

Talked to doctor Bob about Bill's drinking. And he had never heard anybody do that. And he was enthralled, and he stayed in there for hours. And he was so and and, Bill had out outlined a program of action that he had sort of put together from elements out of the Oxford group and some things that he had got from Silkworth and some other places, and he presented it to doctor Bob, and doctor Bob was enthralled with. He thought it was great.

He loved every aspect of it except for the immense. And he said, you know, Bill, you don't understand. I've I've really jacked my reputation off of this community as it is. Let's just leave that alone. I like everything else.

I like the talk of spiritual matters, the prayer meditation. I like the confession of shortcomings. I like the camaraderie. I like helping others. I like it all, but not the immense.

And he dug his feet in, and he wouldn't do step 8, 9, which later wasn't even called that 8, 9 then, but it will later came known as that. And consequently, doctor Bob drank again. And he didn't stay sober. He went to a medical convention in Atlantic City. He was so drunk coming back that the conductor didn't know what he was he was unconscious that the conductor laid him on the platform in the Akron station, called his office manager, this gal who was one of the one of the first untreated Al Anon's, who came down again to rescue him and take care of him, and and she didn't know what to do with him.

And then she eventually called Anne, his wife, And Bill Wilson was was living there, and they came down to get him, took him home to the house on Ardmore Street and put him to bed because he was such a mess. And he came too early in the morning on what most historians, except for one who's not sure if it's right, most historians believe was June 10, 1935, early in the morning. And he's you know, he comes to like we all come to, vibrating, you know, shaking, full of remorse and guilt and jumpy kinda with the whips and jingles and all that other stuff. He comes to, and he's, oh my god. And Bill and Anne are there.

What day is it? And they said, it's June 10th. Oh, it can't be June 10th, not June 10th. He says, look at me. I have a surgery to perform this morning.

And doctor Bob was a proctologist, so you can imagine the whatever kind of surgery this must have been. And, god, imagine being that patient, watching your surgeon come in like that. Oh, man. So he was so he he was so shaky that Bill didn't know what to do. So Bill gave him a couple drinks and a sedative, and they sent him into the surgery.

And, we don't know what happened. I know a couple historians that have researched the Akron Hospital archives trying to find out what happened to this patient, and they can't find out. All we know from AA literature is that he lived. I I understand why these archivists are trying to find out. I mean, I'd like to know.

Did he whistle when he walked or what? I mean, but they know he lived. And, well, you know, they know he lived. And and the surgery was over toward, you know, that morning, and doctor Bob disappeared. And nobody knew where he was.

And Bill was afraid as I would have been afraid that, you know, he's on a run. He's gotta be on a run. I gave I shouldn't have gave him those 2 beers this those 2 drinks this morning. He's probably on a run and which would be a logical, conclusion with what we know about the phenomenon of craving, but he wasn't on a run. But he'd stayed disappeared all that morning, all that afternoon into the evening, and he came home and there was something different about him.

And he they found out that he had been out searching every person he could find that he owed amends to and walking through that fear and facing those people. And, consequently, doctor Bob never drank again. And I don't and, consequently, that was the day that Alcoholics Anonymous looks to as its founding. And I don't know what would have become of us if doctor Bob would have dug his heels in one more time and said, no, Bill. I'm not gonna do that part of the program.

So in a weird kind of sense, AA was really founded on step 8, on finally doctor Bob's willingness to go to any lengths. And when it talks in a big book and you hear people in a way the the one of the most misconceived notions in Alcoholics Anonymous is that willing to go to lengths is means willing to not drink and go to meetings. That's not it. If you look at where it talks about willing to go to lengths in the big book, they're talking about amends. They're talking about step 89, which is is really the hardest thing I think that we do here.

And I know doctor or not doctor. Father Ed Dowling is quoted in the 12 by 12 saying step 6 is the one that separates the men from the boys. But I'll tell you something. In my views, in my experience, step 89 is the hardest thing we ever do here. You know, everything when you think about it, everything up until this point in this process is relatively low risk, relatively low exposure.

I mean, you have to the the highest risk thing you have to do is is your is your 5th step prior to step 89. Your 5th step, you know, but but it's you know, we we check those guys out. We're not we don't take our 5th step with anybody. We're checking that guy out. We we're hedging our bet.

We're pretty sure this guy is not a gossip. He's not gonna blab what we're telling him around. So we we minimize the risk on that. But now we're about to go out into the world and face everyone we're afraid to face and pay back money that we really need more than they do. I mean, that's always true.

I always need it more than they did. So it's I mean, I have exposure and I have risk financially. I have emotionally, physically, some amends. I had some amends where in my mind, I they're gonna beat me up. They're gonna hit me with a baseball bat.

I had other men's where I I was relatively I was convinced I was gonna go to prison for a couple years, but I faced them because I didn't have a choice. The book reminds us, remember, it says. Remember that we agreed to go to any length for victory over alcohol. Remember. And it really comes down to a matter of life and death.

One of the there's a a line in working with others that talks about our how the frame of mind and the perception and perspective that we approach people are trying to help. And I use this line also in step 8 and 9 with the guys I sponsor. And the line says is that we approach the new man the way we would like to be approached if the tables were turned. And I think that is also a solid spiritual approach and a perception approach to step 89. I gotta get others centered enough to put myself in their shoes and and experience and know what it must have felt like to have done to me what I had done to them.

And when I get that, then I will intuitively know how to approach that person because I'm really approaching the the the me that is in them. And if I do that and I I say the things and do the things that I would like to have said and done to me if I'd been hurt like they'd been hurt by somebody, it will turn out good. It'll turn out good. You know, this this line that Scott talked about at the top of page 83, it says there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. There that's really you know, there's Scott was talking about about he doesn't believe in a living amends.

And I and I understand I know exactly what he's saying. But at the same time, from my experience, I before the relationship and the separation with people sometimes is mended, it really does take a long period of reconstruction. A simple saying I was sorry and paying them a little money after I battered them emotionally for years often isn't really enough to make it okay yet. And Chuck Chamberlain used to talk he used to stand at the podium and rub his hands together, and he'd cackle in his funny voice and talk about rubbing away the wreckage by good works and good deeds. And sometimes we act our way into different relationships and mended mended relationships by good works.

I know with my parents, I had given them such a emotional battering for decades. One of the worst things I did to my mom and dad is I kept getting up on my feet again. And then they would get their hopes up, and they'd think I'm gonna be alright. And then I would slam them again. And I didn't do that once or twice.

I did that. That was an ongoing process with me. And all the times I'd lied to them and disappointed them. So my my first approach to them in making the amends did not mend the separation, but it was a beginning. And it took a long period of reconstruction ahead.

You know, I can't I you know, the the the countless, I remember the first time well, the people in AA told me to do things with my parents that didn't make any sense to me. I was willing to accept that I would never have them in my life. And I knew that I was the guy that did it, and I knew that they loved me, and I I destroyed that, and I I knew it was irreparable. But people in Alcoholics Anonymous didn't care what I thought. They said, you're gonna start sending your mom and dad cards and your little notes, and you're gonna call you're gonna call your mom on a regular basis, and you're not gonna call collect.

I remember the first time I called her. I said, mom, it's hi. It's Rob. How are you doing? And she says, are you in Pennsylvania?

No. I'm in, Nevada. The operator didn't come in and ask me to pay for the call. So I said, I paid for the call. I never even forget this.

Her voice went up an octave. She went, you paid for the call? She couldn't believe it. I don't I you you know, I'm a taker. My my parents are they're the welfare state.

You know? They owe me and our stuff. I have some kind of sick, distorted sense of entitlement. I don't have any you know? And I started doing things like that, and I started to rub away this wreckage very slowly, and it was very slowly.

One of my favorite stories is there was a gal named and she told me I could share this. And I love sharing her a part of her story because it I was there for the whole thing. I watched this gal get sober. Her name was Chelsea. Chelsea was a neat gal.

She's still I see her on a regular basis. And Chelsea came from a family, a fa a family who had a father. Her father was was very racist. He was very bigoted. He was very, almost, like, off the charts, ku klukklinish kinda guy.

I mean, he's that kind of guy. Right? And and Chelsea fell in love with this black guy, and they got married and had a couple just gorgeous kids. And and when they when he when she married him, her father went ballistic and cussed her out and called her names and just wouldn't have anything to do with her and rejected her. And she gets sober, and she's got this big time resentment towards her father, a resentment that almost anyone that would hear about it would agree with her.

Yeah. He's an idiot. He's an asshole. Right? Everybody would agree with that except her sponsor.

And her sponsor really believed in the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. These these this ethic that we put ahead of our own judgments and our own prejudices. And she said that we're gonna we're not gonna pay any attention to how what an idiot your dad is. We're gonna disregard the other person involved entirely. What kind of a daughter have you been?

And in that light, you know, she used all the indiscretions and the wrongs of her father to justify being a lousy daughter, really. And so her sponsor's direction was and she didn't like it. I remember she used to bitch about it in meetings. She had to send her father cards and letters and pictures of the kids and nice little notes and presents. And sometimes and often, she'd call him and he'd cuss her out, hang up on her.

You know? And and and she he never got she never got a response. She never got a gift back. She never got anything. And our sponsor kept pushing her to do it, and she did it month after month, year after year in the face of rejection and adversity.

Four and a half years later, she comes to my home group with a letter, and she starts to read this letter from her father. And in the letter, her father talks about how ashamed of himself he's been for how he's treated her and those kids. And he he he opened and confided in her about some things that had happened to him as a child and how he grew up. And he said, I I I'm so sorry I've been this way. And I he said, there's no words to tell you about my shame.

And he said, I know this is the part when he when I when she read this part of the letter, I started weeping. Because in the letter, he said he said, I know I have no right to have you and those kids in my life. But if you would ever give me a chance, I would spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. And I I I sat in that meeting as she's reading this, and I'm weeping. And everybody in the room's weeping because we had been there with her.

We've heard we sat in the meetings and listened to her rant and rave about this idiot. And I sat there, and I was overwhelmed with the power that was that it I saw witnessed in this thing that had interchanged between her and her father. And I realized that there's a there's a spiritual principle in the universe that you cannot continue to fight and be adversarial with someone who is continually on your side. You can't do it. You can do it for a while.

The hate and prejudice and fear can but, eventually, you feel like an idiot doing that. And the power of love is is is guaranteed and as sure as the winds that erode the mountains. The problem is it takes a while. And most of us, myself included especially, are very event oriented people. I wanna make the amends.

I want the parade and the fireworks. Okay? Right. Look what I did. And sometimes there when it says in the book there's a long period of reconstruction, I tell you, I've I'm so proud of of Chelsea and the and the other members of Alcoholics Anonymous that I have witnessed that would continue to take right act loving action in the face of adversity.

And, eventually, if you persist, the love will overcome the fear and resentment and hate eventually. But if you're if you have a short attention span, it's hard. Right? It's hard because we want the we want the payoff right now. Or, you know, that's why we drank.

I could I could drink you know, most people to be a big shot and and really could be a success in life, they go to school, and they be go to law school or med school, become a doctor or lawyer. I could just go into a bar, have 7 or 8 drinks, and I was a brain surgeon. I don't have to go to school. I could at instantaneous there. Right?