Big Book Workshop Weekend in Altamore Springs, FL

Primary fear is is I'm afraid I'm gonna be rejected by the guys that work there. I'm afraid that their conversations out of earshot for me are something along the lines of you see that Bob? You know, the only reason he's here is his dad's friends with the guy who owns the company. Normally, we would never have anybody like him here. That's my fear is they're gonna reject me.

So what happened is my fear drove on me to become defensive and on the muscle with those guys and and until I'm I'm the guy that eventually they're calling into the office and they're saying, Bob, you're a hard worker, but we're gonna have to let you go because you're not a team player. Because I'd become the producer of confusion rather than harmony. I was the defensive guy. The guys that I mean, I took that stance of what what do you mean by that? You know, that kind I'm that guy.

And I made the fear come true. And as I was leaving there, the little voice in my head said, see, you were right. I like being right. So in the middle of page 68 in the fear section, it talks about trust being the answer. We think so.

We're on the different basis here. Remember the decision we made in step 3. We're in the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite infinite maximum unlimited capacity, god, instead of my limited finite, fallible human self. And one of the reasons that I I spent I I went dry one time for a for about 8, 10 months, and I hold up.

The last time I was ever allowed to live in my parents' house, I hold up in the back den and sat in front of a TV set for 8 months from 7 o'clock in the morning till it went off the air at 1 or 2 o'clock in the night. And I it's like, if you're with untreated alcoholism, TV is kinda like Valium with a plug. You know what I mean? You just zone out there. And I was fine till my father told me I couldn't do that.

He started pressuring nervous breakdown. And I ended up in the psychiatrist office, and I was very it was a good psychiatrist. I was very honest with him. And I told him I tried to tell him all the things I was afraid of, and I couldn't be very specific because I couldn't leave that my dad's house and go out on the street sober. I don't know what I'm afraid of, but I'm just overwhelmed with a sense of of terror going and facing people and trying to socialize with them sober and mix and go ask for a job, and I just can't do it.

I've sat there in that chair for so long. I'm paralyzed. And I didn't understand what was going on. And he diagnosed me as having free floating anxiety with panic disorder, which and gave me some medication, which was a really a I love it. I like pills.

I I've always liked pills. As a matter of fact, he's he's writing he pulls out the prescription pad, and he's as he's starting to write, I'm feeling better already. Just watching him write that. I almost wanted to start crying. Here's a man who understands.

I mean, he's he's writing the prescription. I'm feeling better. Right? But the prescription didn't really help. It took a little bit of the edge off, but it also eventually started a slow burn on the phenomenon of craving because I got a little bit of relief.

And you know me, a little bit of relief is never enough for me. But it got me back to where I got the real relief. It got me into the bar, and it got me into the bar with information that when I got out of the line, I could tell those people, you know, I know you look I look like an alcoholic, but see, I got free floating anxiety and panic disorder. That's really the problem. But what this psychiatrist said was not completely wrong.

This anxiety leading to panic is the result of playing god in my own life. When I am the it's the anxiety of playing god. When I am the center and everything in the universe that revolves around me is my responsibility. There is a lot of things to worry about. There are there's a world full of people out there, and they're all thinking stuff.

And it has to do with me somehow, and I don't know what it is, and I gotta figure it out. And you gotta watch them real closely. And the only way to stay on top of it is just continually accuse them of stuff, and you're bound to be right eventually until you finally hit it, what what it is. Just and it's it's awful like that. And this nervous breakdown I had her, which there's a real thin line between nervous breakdown and surrender.

I mean, it's you really don't know which way you're going. And this nervous breakdown I had was because it was too much. I think what when I'm running my life and all it's all on my shoulders. It's like going into your kitchen and getting the blender that's designed for a 110 volts and taking it into the laundry room and plugging it into the 220, it just overloads and burns itself out because it doesn't have the capacity to handle the load. And when it's when I am the center of the universe, eventually, the same thing happens to me.

I don't have the capacity to handle the load. That's why I I love I love working with newcomers, and I love the new people and the pre surrendered new people in my group because they have that. They look tired all the time. I mean, because there's stuff to worry about all that. I mean, this is heavy.

And and you ask them how they're doing. How are you doing? They always they always go, Hanging in there. I had 1 guy say I said, how are you doing? He goes, well, I guess it's not bad if you don't weaken.

I could just gall. One time, she came back into the detox meeting that she had been in detox, and she was out now running the universe for a month. And she came to the meeting. I said, how's it going? And she had this her big eyes, and she said, it's too big.

I knew exactly. I said, yeah. It is, isn't it? Yeah. I know.

It's too big. It's awful. Infinite god rather than our finite selves. And this thing about trust, you know, I had an experience. I was sober a little while and I was in a retreat.

Between the afternoon, there was a big break, and I'm sitting with an old timer out on the lawn, and I'm talking to him. And I I'm in a I'm in early sobriety, and I hadn't really gone through this process yet. And I'm kinda I'd gone through kind of a BS version of the steps in early sobriety, but I hadn't really done this shit. And I'm telling this guy, I said, you know, I don't know what's wrong with me. I get up in the morning and I get down on my knees and I say the 3rd step prayer, turn my will and my life for the care of God.

And 5 minutes later, I'm worrying about stuff. Stuff. I'm full of anxiety. I'm running the scenarios about what I get to work, what they'll do, what I'll do. You know, all that stuff.

It's driving me crazy. It's wearing on me. And he said he said, well, you pray, don't you? I said, yeah. I pray all the time.

He said, you believe faith? You believe in God? I said, yeah. I know. I'm sober longer than I've ever been since I first took a drink when I was a young kid.

And this is I know it's God. I know it's not me. I've I know. I've relapsed for seven and a half years. God's God's doing this.

He said, you know something? He said, guys like you and me, we can pray fervently. We can have all the faith in the world, and we can still die of alcoholism. He said for us, faith isn't enough. We have to have something bigger than faith.

We have to have faith in action. And he says it has to be we have to have trust. And I didn't I must have looked at him like I didn't know what he was talking about. He says, I'll tell you the difference between faith and trust. He said, if you went to a circus and you sat in the audience and you watched the tight wire act, you could watch a guy come out to the edge of the platform pushing a wheelbarrow.

You'd sit in the audience and have all the faith in the world. He's a professional. He can cross that tight wire pushing that wheelbarrow. Say to yourself, bet she's done it a 1000 times. Absolute faith, he can do it.

But if you had trust, you'd go up there and get in the wheelbarrow. And when he said that, I I got I got my chest got tight. You know? Oh, wait a minute. Oh, and I knew what he meant.

I knew I had t I had to act live my life as if I'm in that Wilbur. Right? Stop the defensiveness. Stop the I can't do it. I I I like the idea.

I like to talk about getting in the wheelbarrow. I like to go to book studies and read about getting in the wheelbarrow. I'd like to sit at coffee, and we can philosophize about getting in the wheelbarrow, but I don't wanna get in the wheelbarrow. I'm afraid. I got some old prejudices about god.

I'm afraid I'll get in that wheelbarrow. I'll get about halfway out that wire. I'll hear this voice go, is that Bob? Is that the little some bitch who used to play with himself, Bob? I have those fears, you know.

I don't measure up. I I've been you know, I I just feel flawed. I, so I couldn't trust. And what has happened to me is exactly what it talks about on page 53. In my sobriety and I I was I was eventually, I was crushed by a self imposed crisis as I could not postpone or evade.

I couldn't make it go away. I can't get any relief. I am crushed by these self imposed crises, and I had to fearlessly face the proposition that god is either either everything or he's nothing. He either is or he isn't. And it's it gives me a choice.

But with me, I got to a place where there wasn't a choice. Either God is here and he's everything or I am dead here. I'm dead in the water. I'm in a lot of trouble. And I found myself forced forced by a lack of alternatives on occasion to have to walk through terrifying stuff as if God was in charge.

And I tell you my everything in me says it was gonna be awful. He's not. But you guys encouraged me to act as if he was, and amazing things started to happen. I get out the backside, and I would be okay. And I realized that I was something had me.

Something had my back. Something was on my side here. And that is the only way I've I've been able to trust God. I'm not a truster. I'm a cynic by nature.

I'm a I'm a skeptic by nature. I I I can't believe. I've never been able to believe things that because people say you should believe them. I used to as a little kid, I tried to believe in church the things that they said. But I'm a show me kinda guy.

And God was very gracious and he he really came to me and and he it was an amazing, amazing thing. And I'll tell you what I've noticed in my sobriety is the tug of the tug of war is between trusting in god and relying on self. It's between a a life of self reliance and a life of god dependency, a life of self centered and a life of other centeredness, a life driven by fear and a life motivated by love. And somewhere, I'm I am caught in the middle in this push pull between these forces, and the actions of Alcoholics Anonymous are the actions that move me towards the light, that move me towards that side. And this this tug of war and this propensity towards self centeredness and self reliance and fear and all the other stuff will always be in me.

That's why when we get to step 10, it doesn't say continue to take personal inventory and if. No. When. When this side starts to win. And there's all an old American Indian, story of of a a young brave who's very conflicted, and he's a good hearted brave.

And he wants to be a good member of the tribe, and he goes to the elder, wise man, and he says he says, old man, he says, I I don't understand. He said, some days, I really feel a part of the tribe. And I love everyone here, and I just wanna be helpful. And I feel a sense of being a part of. And he says, other times, I just I hate everyone and I resent everyone and everybody makes me anxious, and I feel lost and separate.

And I and I'm so wrapped up in me, and and I go from one to the other. And he said, I don't understand. Why am I like this? And the old man said to him, he said, son, your your life is like 2 dogs trapped in mortal combat. A dark dog representing your fears and self and a light dog, a dog of light representing love and harmony and the great spirit.

And they're trapped in this sack in mortal combat till the death. And the young brave says, old man, which one wins? And the old man says, whatever one you feed. It's the one that wins. And I have spent my life feeding the wrong dog.

See, when I'm scared or threatened, I enhance my I always go for the ego and the defensiveness, and I always try to control and manage more. I it is my nature to go to feed the wrong dog. And I think the one dog could represent my sense of my spirit, and the other dog could could represent self. And I am I am a container that can only hold so much. If it's full of self, there's not much room for spirit.

And if it's full of spirit, there's not much room for self. And it's like a teeter totter, like a balance beam. And I whenever I'm having a spiritually bad hair day and I don't feel like I'm enough and I feel disconnected and isolated and desolate and alone, my natural inclination at that time is to gratify the ego. It's to go buy something, to indulge myself, try to get attention, all that stuff. And the problem with all of that stuff is you end up if you feed the wrong dog, what you end up with is a guy like me who who still feels awful about themselves in their life and alone.

But I haven't I'm in a shinier container now. Right? I've dressed it up even better. I've gotten a lot of attention. I've I've created the hell even more.

The separation between the person that I want you to think I am and the person I really know inside that I am. The abyss has gotten deeper. And when I am good of spirit, my ego seems to be in check. You know, when I'm really right with you and right with God, I don't need a new car. I don't need a lot of validation.

I don't need to judge you because you're fine. You're just like me. I see myself in you struggling with all the same things I struggle with. When I myself is not good, my spirit is not good. I just wanna pick you apart trying to level the playing field.

That's when I'm the most judgmental. And it always comes back it's always my relationship with God and with you and that I always feed the wrong dog. And you guys have taught me how to feed the right dog. A nonsensical things to me, like when I feel bad and I'm I'm afraid and worrying about stuff. And I'm as Scott said, clearing up the wreckage of my future and doing all that stuff.

It those are the times when I have this emptiness inside of me when I'm the most you gotta keep me off a car lot when I'm like that. I don't I don't hug any pretty girls when I'm like that. I stay out of the mall when I'm like that. I I just very susceptible to try to fill my holes that with those times. Times.

Right? And my sponsor and people in a will say at times like they'll say, go down to detox. You know, those guys don't have any cigarettes. Take them a pack of cigarettes and see if you can find somebody that needs to talk. And it doesn't make sense because when you're like that, you know you need you need people that are doing a little better to help you with your serious problems than these these people down on Skid Row.

I mean, really. But the prob but I go down and I do that. I fed the right dog. I come away from there and I feel good. And I don't need then all of a sudden, I I can go to the car lot because I don't need car because my spirit's good.

I don't need any of this other stuff because I'm good. It's funny how there are these things these forces are diametrically opposed to each other within me. And I only get to feed 1 dog here. Sex. Tell you.

Big deal. Over the years, if I get a phone call, 3 o'clock in the morning, some guy that wants to commit homicide, suicide, and drink, it's usually about a relationship. I'm really glad that it says in here that we're not to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. Oddly enough, we're not inventory sex. We're inventorying harms.

It's how do I treat God's kids when my sexual instincts are aroused? How do I treat God's kids when I the 3 basic instincts for a need for security, when I'm afraid of being alone, when my need for, sex or my need for prestige or common a place in society are threatened? How do I act under those circumstances? How how when I those three instincts are threatened, do I most I'm most prone to be selfish, most prone to be dishonest, most prone to come from a place of of harming others. And I I'll tell you what I've discovered.

I sponsor a lot of guys, and it's and I sponsor a lot of single guys. And I sponsor quite a few married guys, but a lot of single guys. And sponsor quite a few married guys, but a lot of single guys. And when it's a problem, 9 chances out of 10, it comes back to dishonesty. You know what happens in I've I've been a liar a lot of my life, but I've never been a liar because I'm a liar.

I'm a liar because I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I believe certain things that I don't I think are so. I believe I'm not enough. So I have to embellish who I am to you because I believe that as is, you won't love me. So I create this persona and I and guys I sponsor, I I catch him in this all the time.

And it's a persona. It's like a composite of Bob's best days. It's the best of Bob persona, enhanced a little bit and made a little bit bigger than life, and that's the only guy you meet. And then and the and the women do the same thing. So I get a phone call.

Some guy's been with a girl for about 10, 12 months, and he says, I don't know. She's changed. No. She hasn't. The real her finally showed up.

You can't keep up the facade indefinitely. Eventually, all the little quirks and all little stuff starts to come out. And, you know, it's it's it may take a year and a half, but eventually, the guy's going pull my finger. I mean, it's a bit you know, event you know, the he doesn't bring the flowers home anymore to pull my finger. You know what I say?

It's just stop. It's I mean, it's because you can't the real guy eventually comes to the surface. That's a little crude. It's an exaggeration of the of the of the differences. But but it does that's what really happens.

And I think I think I think in order to to smash the the lie, you have to take a risk. And the risk is I have to bring myself to you in all the self centeredness and the all the propensity to to childishness at times and the things I worry about and my ability to get self consumed and distant and all my character defects. Put them right on the table. And then then I get to I get to the possibility of experiencing the greatest thing that God will ever experience. That someone might love you as is.

But if you if they fall in love with the facade, eventually, it turns south on you, and the little voice in your head will will be right one more time. See when they really found out about me. They didn't love me. It just reinforces that and reinforces that and reinforces that. And I think more problems occur from writing checks we can't cash in relationships than anything else.

And people feel disillusioned and hurt, and they don't know who they're with all of a sudden, and then they can't trust the person. Right? If you just be yourself. What it says on the back of your AA chip, to thine own self be true. If you have to get in if you have to be somebody other than what you are to be loved, you're trying to be loved by the wrong person.

I'm telling you. You're trying to be loved by the wrong person. And that one more thing about sex and then I'll I'll get I will turn it over to Scott. We do not wanna be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems, and that is good for that's good information.

I'd tell you, I've heard a lot of inventories and I've done a I've I've done a lot of relationship participated in sex relationship workshops over the years where there's a lot of interaction with the people. And one of the things I've I've realized that regardless of the appearance of the individual on the outside, we all have sex problems. I have never met an alcoholic yet that didn't have feelings of inadequacy. No matter. They could go to the gym 10 days a week, and you can't overcome that.

You can spend $1,000,000 in plastic surgery, and you can't overcome that. Matter of fact, it just feeds the beast because you can never be enough that way. And I don't know an alcoholic, if they're honest with you, would really ever felt good about themselves naked, really, or ever felt like they were enough. And we all come to the table like that. We all come in here, and my great fear is is that if you ever really found out about me and some of the things I've done sexually that I was ashamed of, that I felt bad about, that you would judge me.

And you you know a funny thing? In AA, we have the whole spectrum of sexuality. Life because they were so locked up on this end of the spectrum that they had to be they had to have a 5th of whiskey in them to even entertain the idea of having sex. And then we have people on the other end of the spectrum that you don't wanna let them alone with your French poodle. I mean I mean I mean, every I mean, we got everything on that spectrum in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I'll tell you what I've discovered. No matter where you are, it ain't right. No matter where you are, the people on the one end feel like there's something wrong with them that they're so uptight. Know what's wrong with me? And the people on the other end that are trying to validate themselves and prove their sex prove their man or womanhood over and over and over again for the validating themselves with attention, and and they know that that's not right.

They know something's wrong with them too. When you pull away the facade, we all come here with sex problems. The book says we'd hardly be human if we if we could if we didn't. And so we dust we we inventory the harm we've done to god's kids. Where have I caused harm?

Then I get a chance to ask God to mold my future sex, to mold my ideals. So I have a and I think the most important question in the sex inventory is the question of what I've I could have done instead. And the reason is if I'm gonna ask God to mold my ideals and give me a vision of my future sex life, I am going to have to build that vision not only in what I wanna be, but also on what I don't wanna be. And I gotta get an a clear vision of what I should have done instead Because I'll tell you what'll happen. It'll come up again.

Maybe in a different different place with a different face, but the same thing will come up again. I think sobriety in the realm of the spirit is the realm of do overs. We get a lot of do overs here. And I've had situations where I've I've handled things really badly at one time, and I'll 4, 5, 6 years later, I'll be in a very similar situation. And the last time I was the guy I didn't like, this time I get to be the guy I'll feel good about.

Right? Because I asked myself, what could I have done instead? And I talked to my sponsor about it. Scott? Picking up on what he was saying, I got a lady friend in Nashville that says life is tough.

1st, you get the test, then you get the lesson. Then if you don't get the lesson, you get the test again. And I think that might be right. And the same one said, she went to a dog race one time, and they, they shot the gun and the rabbit took off, and the dogs were chasing this thing. The mechanical rabbit malfunctioned in the first turn and stopped, and the lead dog caught that rabbit.

And he is tail over teakettle into the ditch with a mechanical rabbit in his mouth, and she said, I'm exactly like that rabbit. I I'm like the dog. I am shot out of a gun chasing some mechanical rabbit. It ain't gonna be what I want if I catch it. Recent one, my, our beautiful daughter Jamie is, sober 15 years, and she presented us with twin grandsons almost 4 years ago.

Had one with the doctor the other day, and she said to the doctor, hey. And we're saving this boy a seat in AA. And the doctor says, be careful. You don't wanna program that boy. And in addition to that, it's not that that 3 year olds act like alcoholics.

It's that alcoholics act like 3 year olds. I don't like that any better than you did. Okay. Page, page 67. Somebody asked a question at the break that really helped me a lot because I left out something I think is pretty important.

We were talking about resolutely looking for our own mistakes. It's kind of interesting, those of us who were abused as children happen to be one of those. What was my mistake? I mean, that that that 5 year old was innocent. What was my mistake?

And I found 2 mistakes so far for myself on that. One is that I carried that resentment. That was 1. And the other one is that I did so much damage in that person's name. K?

Maybe that'll help you with the forgiveness process. I hope so. That's the only reason I'm sharing it. That was important to me. Something else Bob touched on reminded me of of one of the truths that I stumbled across.

And, again, red flags is just one of mine. I find out what cool is. Not what is cool, but what cool is. Cool is is cool is a cheap external substitute for self esteem because people who have self esteem don't do things to appear cool to other people. They have no reason to.

And back when I was doing things to appear cool to other people, it's because I hated me. And I thought if I could do an act you would like of some kind, then I would be okay and could hang out with you. That's what it is. So and that I think that's the reason the price for cool has gotten so high is because it doesn't work. That's why it continues to escalate.

Page 72. Zipping right along all the way to step 5 here, a day and a half later. About, 5 lines from the bottom, Wondering why should I do step 5? The best reason first. If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.

Oh, okay. Well, there's a reason. Page 73, first full paragraph, more than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He He is very much the actor. Remember our actor before?

I want to run the whole show. K. To the outer world, he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.

The inconsistently is inconsistency is made worse by things he does on his freeze. Coming to his senses, he has revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself.

He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension that makes for more drinking. That's a tight circle, isn't it? Yeah. Page 74.

Paragraph, the bottom of page begins with notwithstanding. If you count up 3 lines above that, they're gonna tell you there aren't any rules in a a there are 3. Here's the first one. The rule is we must be hard on ourself but always consider of others. This is referencing who's to hear our fist step.

And, I wanna encourage if anybody's new in recovery, don't tell. Alright? Save it up. You you don't need to go try to make amends to somebody yet. It's not time.

So we have to put the numbers in front of the steps. Right? Don't do 9 till you do 8 till you've done 7. Get the idea? I need to do the rest of that.

You got it? Okay. I think it's really important. Alright. So there's one of the rules.

Here's another one on page 101. 2nd paragraph from the bottom. So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking if we have a legitimate reason for being there. It goes on to talk about your spiritual condition, etcetera. That that's good reading there.

Page 118 also contains a rule. Paragraph begins in the middle of the page. We women count up 3 lines from that. Live and let live is the rule. My sponsor turned that around.

He said, let live and live. Yeah. When I free them, then I become free. It's I have my own permission to make mistakes, and that's a huge freedom. Because if it's okay with me that I make and I think that's my job.

I think it's my assignment to, to make mistakes. I'd my own I'm not gonna get into this. I hope I'm not out of bounds here. If I am someone, please tell me. But, in my own particular religious beliefs, the job of being perfect is already taken.

And there's not like an an address where I can maybe mail a resume and get in and and interview and get the job of being perfect. If it's not my job to be perfect, is it not there for my job to make mistakes? I I think it's my assignment, and I'm good at it. And as we talked about earlier, it's not that I learned from the mistakes, but from living with the results of the mistakes. So it's okay that I make mistakes.

It's alright. The question is, what do I do with them? Do I learn the lessons? Am I committed to it? That's what this thing is about.

Top of 75, when we decide who is to hear our story, I think there are a lot of really good ways to do a fist step, and I'm gonna describe to you what my lineage has passed to me. I I think Bob's is somewhat different. He's gonna share that with you. I think what your sponsor says is the correct way to do this. I know in in some lineages, they read their 4 step.

We didn't do that in mine. And it says, who is to hear our story? So what I'm supposed to do is to tell my story. The 4 step was rather specific as you'll recall. It was a series of lists, observations, and prayers that covered resentment, fear, and sexual misconduct.

There are things in my 5th step that weren't on for. It's not because I left them out on purpose, because they weren't called for. 4 step is very specific. I'm asked sometimes what I think about writing the story of your life, and I want you to know I think it's a great idea. I hope you take a 4 step also.

And then it says here, still on the same paragraph in 75, he should realize that we're engaged upon a life and death errand. Okay. Here we are threatening your life again. I hope you're not used to it yet. I mean, I hope it still lights you up.

And then it looks to me like about a one sentence direction on how to go about that. It says we pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating, which means to shine light into. Illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. And what I was shown is that we begin that prayerfully in a place where we won't be interrupted. And we have Kleenex, and we have drinks, and we have the phones turned off.

And, I invite the man who's doing his fist up to ask god for clarity of mind and the courage to tell it and whatever else he's comfortable with. And it's one of the times I get the chance to ask god to make me perfect, and that's what I do. I ask him to make me a perfect channel of whatever he has and to get me out of the way and that this would be to this man's higher good and to god's glory and for me not to take any credit. And and then it says, we go to it, illuminating. If you haven't done a 5th step yet and, and you're afraid of it, I'm really glad to hear that.

Because the ones I've seen confident going into their fist step know what they're not gonna tell. Right. You need to be puckered heading into your first one. That, I I think that's really important. If you wanna do a short fist step, if you don't want this to last hours and hours and hours, cover the 2 or 3 worst things first.

Be out of there pretty fast. If you, if you start with the easy stuff and try to build up to it, you could be there a long time. And, what I was taught in my lineage is that we don't hear fist steps. We exchange. And when someone I sponsor tells me something they did, if I did something in that category, they hear mine.

Now I don't do my whole fist step with them, them, but anything they touch on. And if they miss 2 or 3 of the worst ones I did, I make sure I cover those at the end because they need that information. We need to know that, and the book talks about that later. I'm not gonna go to it right now, but it it talks about that. I think that's really, really important.

At, and then we have the, the 5th step promises here in the middle of page 75. I'm I'm not gonna read them, but, you can. They're magnificent. At the end of his, fist up, I tell him the truth. And the truth is that I believe god forgives him, And I forgive him, and I'd like for him to observe that I didn't run screaming and that I wasn't impressed and that and that it's okay.

It's really gonna be okay. That god is big enough and I think eager to forgive. And that, the rest of his forgiveness process for himself will probably happen somewhere in step 9. That's been my experience with it anyway. And, and then I ask a series of questions.

And the questions I ask at the end, if I haven't heard these and if I've heard them, I skipped them are have you had sex with animals or family members? Have you stolen anything? Have you physically hurt anyone? Have you had a homosexual experience? And forgive me.

This is a little bit of a political hot potato. I'm gonna I'm gonna let me warm this one up just a little bit. If you've done what I'm about to describe and you're okay with it, I'm okay with it. I'm not here to indite you. I'm here to talk about how I got free as a, so I hope you hope you heard that.

As a young man, I paid for an abortion, and I used to drink over that and think about the what ifs that went with that. And by the way, if if you've had one of those, I can help you get free. Please see me. Please see me. And, because it is possible, because I did.

And I asked them if they've been involved in abortion, and those are the questions I asked. And I'm not trying to make them tell me something they're unwilling to tell. I'm trying to pick the scab. I don't want him driving away saying to himself, well, I just didn't think of it. No.

No. So so I'm gonna point at it. And then that finishes the first half of step 5. Then the bottom of page 70 5, it says returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour. That's pretty specific.

Carefully reviewing what we have done. We thank god from the bottom of our heart. I think that's a prayer that we know him better. And believe me, when you have done this the first time and you feel lighter and your sponsor didn't run screaming and you heard some of the things they did, you will know god better, and you'll know yourself better too. Taking this book down from our shelf, I require the men that our sponsor go home, put their book up on a shelf, says here very clearly.

And that's one of those tongue and cheek things. Turn of the page which contains the 12 steps, carefully reading the first five. We ask, this is another prayer, if we have omitted anything for building an arts to which we shall walk a free man. Then they asked a series of questions having to do with, are you thorough? Have you been thorough?

Have you done everything you could possibly do? And then interestingly enough, it doesn't say we take 3 weeks off. We turn the page at page 76 where it says, if we can answer to our satisfaction, that's a series of questions about you having been thorough for the first five, having prayed and meditated about them for for an hour. Says we then look at step 6. That means right now.

We have emphasized willingness being indispensable. Are we now ready to let god remove from us all the things we've admitted or objectionable? Can he take them all, everyone? And then here's a prayer. If we cling to something we will not let go, we ask god to help us be willing.

There is a 6 step prayer if you need it. Some do, some don't. And next, right after that, it says when ready, we say something like this. My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.

Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. I thought for a long time that that prayer asked God to remove all of my character defects. And about a year and a half ago, they changed it and put in that good and bad thing. I swear that wasn't there.

And it had never occurred to me that god could use some of my character defects as tools to help me and maybe some other people. And I had one of my character defects get bad out of hand and was unaware of it until it almost did some very, very serious damage. And it pulled me down off of my pedestal, I'll tell you right now. I was pretty impressed with the work Saint Scott was doing right up until then. And god used some of my character defects to help me, to save me, I think.

Powerful god. Powerful, powerful, powerful god. My sponsor explained it to me this way. He said the book doesn't say anything at all about you removing your own defects of character. You don't have the power.

He said your character defects are all self centered without exception, and self does not have the power to push self out of the center. If it did, it would leave a vacuum. And so the answer for you isn't to work on your character defects. Work on your character defects. You're living in the problem.

The answer for you is to work on what we've taught you here, which is how to have a god centered life. I have 3 particular character defects I refer to as my spiritual barometers. At 2 years sober, I was trying to wipe them out myself, and I I was really if it was not pretty. Let me leave it that way. And I finally realized that these things were great helps to me.

And my 3 spiritual barometers are lying, not actually lying, improving really the truth. It's so much prettier. And, swearing. And my attitude toward those of you who possibly got your driver's license boxes, drives driver's license out of Cheerios boxes. Right?

And if if one of those things is in trouble, if I look, they're all in trouble because they all seem to get out at the same time. And I don't work on those things. What I do is inventory over the last few days. What's my spiritual maintenance program look like? How much time am I spending in prayer?