Big Book Workshop Weekend in Altamore Springs, FL

This is not a a lightweight decision. And when you're ready, I want you to read that to me in the first person, And he will read, I have decided that hereafter in this drum of life, God is going to be my director. He is the principal. I am his his agent. He is the father.

I am his child. And I will say, I think you've made an excellent decision. I think it's a great decision. And I wanna make a pact with you. And the pact is that that decision will stand until the day you formally change it with me or one of my successors.

When I take someone through these steps again, I do not ask for another 3rd step decision. I don't need to keep making this decision. Don't need to keep doing it. I say your decision is still firm and in place? Yes.

Good. We'll move right along. Don't wanna fool with that. So let's let's make a pact on that, then we move on. I think you're familiar with the 3rd step promises.

They're beautiful. I'm not going to read them. I think the next next portion of this step, that decision having been the 3rd piece, is to read this 3rd step prayer, and let's understand what it says. Not pray it now, but let's read it now. Offer myself to thee.

And that's not give me a little help, and I'll take it from here. Take me. I didn't ask you what the plan was. I don't care what's gonna happen. If it's your will, it suits me.

I can't there's serious doubt as to how much more I could stand of my will. Build with me and do with me as thou will. To build frequently, we have to tear down something that's already standing there. I'd like to warn you, if you haven't done this prayer, your life's gonna change, and some things you don't like are gonna happen. Some things you like to keep are leaving.

They are not coming back. And some things that you're not gonna be that fond of are gonna show up and throw out on a anchor. They are staying. Right? It is, however, a package deal.

Have a look here. I got 2 bowling balls. I got god's will. I got Scott's will. Pick 1.

Not 95 and 5. Not I'll cover sex and money. He can get the rest. That's not it. That is not the package.

It's not the package. It's pick 1. That's what we're asking you to do here. Pick 1. Relieve me of the bondage of self.

Bondage means slavery. I am enslaved by self. Why? So I can do it his way because it works. Take away my difficulties for one reason.

Victory of them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always? The word amen does not appear. And I I'm just gonna observe that. I don't have an editorial on it.

The amen appears the first time after that on page 76 at the end of the 7 step prayer. And I've got some friends that say they believe that everything between the 3rd step prayer and the 7th step amen is a prayer? I don't know. I think it's a beautiful thing to say. I don't know.

Pretty good observation. So now we understand the prayer, and then it says back on 63, we thought well before taking this step. I wanna recommend you think well. That's what it says to do. That's a direction.

Think well. Making sure you're ready. And then it says, we found it advisable to take the spiritual step with an understanding person, said a wife, best friend, or spiritual adviser. Better to meet god alone than with one who might misunderstand. So we have here an invitation to take this 3rd step prayer with someone.

So you need to select someone and invite them and schedule a time to do it, and I think that's one direction. It's you know, it's you can count this any way you want to, but these are separate portions of step 3 to me. And then it says the wording was, of course, quite optional. So here's an invitation to write your own 3rd step prayer. And the book offers that.

I offer it. It says prayer. It doesn't say litany. Yeah. Let's just express the idea.

And then I think the next thing that we do is pray the prayer. It is the first real action following the decision. It implements the decision. It is the beginning action. The difference for me between an intention and a decision is that an intention is followed by more intentions.

A decision is followed by action. That's how you can tell. And I I have fun with this. The book is not specific about when to do a 4 step. Not at all.

It, it actually you're gonna hear you're gonna hear it in meetings if you haven't already. People will say, don't take a 4 step too soon. You may dream. I haven't seen that. I've seen a couple 100,000 way too late.

Yeah. Oh, or, or they'll say, take one step a year. That's What page is that on? I hear people say make no. Don't make any major decisions the 1st year.

I'm taking a look here at this 3rd step decision. That's good. I think that might be a major decision. How about don't ever make a serious decision about consulting your sponsor? That one seems to work for me, and I I don't mean to do the soapbox.

I just I like to. So, anyway, I say the book makes 2 time references, and I believe if the book gives leeway, I should give leeway as a sponsor. And it makes 2 time references, and I believe that the man can use either of those 2 or anything that lies between them. Does that not seem fair to everybody? So So I now ask him to begin reading at the bottom of the page.

We're just up from the 3rd step prayer. It says next. I said, woah. That's a time reference. Right there.

Next. Okay. Launched on, of course, a vigorous action. The first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Who all attempted a personal housecleaning before getting to AA?

Yeah. A couple. Alright. That's great. Not too many.

Though our decision okay. That was our 3rd step decision was a vital, vital from the Latin vita meaning life. That means necessary to life. So this is only for the ones that wanna live. Everybody else was dismissed.

Was a vital and crucial step, but it can have little permanent effect unless at once. That's a time reference. So the 4th step is commenced after the 3rd step either next or at once or anywhere in between. I think that's fair, don't you? Yeah.

K. So we start on a personal inventory step 4. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. The businesses that I deal with take a full tear down inventory once or twice a year. They do a computer update every night, but for me, the evening half of step at 11, but they do do a full tear down inventory at least once a year.

It says taking commercial inventories of fact finding effect facing process and effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsaleable goods to get rid of. And it said that up above. I missed it when it came by followed by strenuous effort to face and be rid of. Twice on this page, they're telling me we're gonna get rid of in step 4.

And I would observe that if all you do in step 4 is right, you will get rid of time, paper, and ink. And none of those were blocking me. Yeah. So it must be there are things other than writing involved in step 4. First clue.

K? To get rid of them promptly without regret. Next paragraph. We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly.

1st, we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure. There's the good news again. My sponsor, you his he finally had to take it off his answering machine because he'd answer the phone too many times. People say, no. No.

Hang up. I wanna call back and hear your message. You dial his number and it go ring, ring, click, click. It ain't them. It ain't them.

It ain't them. Leave a message. Beep. I was on his answering machine for about 2 years. It says, being commences itself manifested in various ways of what had defeated us.

We considered as common manifestations. Okay. Overview. Step 4, big book. I took a, a psychobabble, alleged step 4.

I think some very well meaning people have written some some stuff I'm not real fond of, and they alleged that it's step 4. And I got through one of those when I was out of treatment. It was a this. It's real hard for me to talk about because I'm really trying to clean up my language, but I'm not fond of those. I like the real 4 step because it's life changing.

And I find the 4 step to be a series of lists, observations, and prayers. It is my experience that the writing portion of the 4 step has very little, if any, therapeutic effect. The observation is not what I happen to notice, but the observations specifically call for, and the prayers are life changing. Step 4 is not about writing, although there's writing involved. And we we the manifestations of self that we do these observations writing lists, observations, prayers on are resentment, fear, and sexual misconduct.

Those are the three portions of self. Okay. So we begin looking for directions. It says resentment is the number one offender. Wonder how important that is.

It destroy, destroys. I think they've just threatened my life again. More alcoholics than anything else from it stem all forms of spiritual disease. This may be bad stuff. Been not only mentally and physically ill, but spiritually sick.

When the spiritual malady, it's another word for sickness, is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. Seems to me that the spiritual must be the most important one. If I can get that one fixed, the other 2 snap on their own, maybe I need to be focused on that one. Says in dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. To me, that's not a direction.

That's a general description. They're gonna tell me exactly how to set them on paper. It says we listed people, institutions, or principles with whom we are angry. That's the first direction. And when I sponsor someone, we stop right there.

A list is a series of words and phrases that run down a page. Don't believe I've ever seen a list that ran across a page. Very specific. Runs down the page. And the format that I like to use, I usually ask them at this point, are you probably wondering what color of paper you should use and what color of ink?

Were you wondering that? And about half of them will say, yeah. Page 67, about 2 thirds of the way down says, when we saw our faults, we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. That's just the attitude that I take.

Whatever your sponsor says suits me fine. I don't think that's very specific. Doesn't say black ink, white paper. Clearly, that could be black paper, white ink. And I sponsored a guy who went to the art store and he bought an inch thick of black paper and 2 pens of white ink.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. And he's still sober, and it's a he's in his mid teens now. And he didn't he just kept saying, I don't believe this will work for me. And I kept saying to him, do you believe that I believe this will work for you?

And he said, yes. I said, well, we'll just go on mine. That'll be good enough. And he was so foggy, he couldn't argue with that. And he's still sober.

Alright. Now whatever you do suits me, I require the men that I sponsored you. It's an attitude. Alright. I'm a have you laughing about some of the other things when I go to that kind of detail.

It's an attitude. And for me, the attitude is I don't care what it says. The first time I say, well, I really don't have to do that one that way, I could let myself off the hook on the one who was gonna save my life. I'm scared of that. So, what I recommend that they do is a spiral notebook seems to be an easy way to do this thing.

And, it's funny. A lot of them get one that either has a black cover with white writing or a white cover with black writing. I don't ask for that, but they do it. And then on the inside cover, I I suggest they write something like, this is my 4 step. Put it down.

If I find you with it, I will kill you and hide your body. Something subtle. I've cheated and looked ahead. We're gonna do a 4 column inventory. So I asked them to write the number 1 above the margin on the left hand page, number 2 above the center of the left hand page, and the 3 and the 4 split the right hand page roughly in half.

And I asked them to do 30 minute sessions. My rule of thumb is 3 times a week. Now I sponsor a fellow who was a stay at home dad, and his wife worked. That was their deal, and his son took a nap from 1 to 3 every day. I think he can do more than that.

Sponsor a guy with a wife and 5 kids and 2 jobs, I don't think he can do that much. Here's some fun for you. There are a 168 hours in a week. If you got a, a 15 minute commute to work, that's 45 hours a week for the job. Sleep 8 hours a night is 56 more.

If you go to 7 meetings a week and you go early and stay late, which I'm gonna ask you to do, that's 15 more hours. Little recreation, maybe a round of golf, something like that, 3 hours. Mow the lawn. Do your melon list. You know, honey, do this.

Honey, do that. 2 hours. 5 hours a week reading spiritual literature, conference approved and nonconference approved. 3 hours a week, bathing and having to shave. 4 hours a week on a date if you are married, coaching little league, maybe if you're not, that kind of thing.

5 5 hours a week on the phone with me and to some other fellows who's I'm gonna ask you to check-in with. 12 hours a week, cooking and eating meals. 1 hour a week, shopping, groceries, clothes, whatever. 5 hours a week, prayer and meditation. That's a bare minimum number.

10 hours a week watching television. That's 3 ball games. That ought to be plenty. That's a 166 hours out of your 168 hour week gone. At least 2 hours, I want 3 quarters of that.

And I want you to schedule it. I want you to call me on Sunday, and I wanna know what when your 3 half hour period are gonna be. This is just how I do. I think there are a lot of right ways to do this. This is just how I do it.

And and I want your schedule. And Monday, Wednesday, and Friday is not a schedule. Monday, 7 PM to 7:30 PM, that is a schedule. That's what I want, and I expect you to do it. I want the first five minutes of that in prayer and meditation, asking god for whatever you want, but include clarity of mind to find what he'd have you find and the courage to put it on the paper.

And I want 25 minutes of writing. It says we listed oh, and I will tell you this too. I see a lot of people starting on step 4, and what they do is they give themselves the assignment of completing step 4. If you do that, you're in perfect position to hate yourself till it's done. I've hated myself long enough.

If my sponsor and I can agree on how much time per week I should spend on this and I spend that time, I can feel good about myself while I'm in process. I think it's a better plan. I do not allow a guy to schedule step 5 with me until I'm sure he's finished with 4. I'm not gonna let him bash himself and to stay up all night finishing 4 because he has an appointment with me on 5. I don't buy that.

I wanna be involved in the process. That's all. I, I also the first time I get my hands on his 4 step after he started, I give him his grade. It's big red f minus on on the front. They all get f minus because we're gonna have to do it again.

Instead of business takes no regular inventory, usually goes broke. And what that is is permission not to do it perfectly. Because if you have to do it perfectly, you can't do it at all. So it's permission not to do it perfectly. I think that's really important.

It's not permission not to do your best. It's permission not to do it perfectly. They're very different. And I like to remind them that, we are not saving an alcove in Akron at the AA Hall of Fame for your 4 step, That you're not gonna do that kinda as a matter of fact, my home group does not give a trophy every year for the best 4 step, and this is the trophy you are not gonna get. For those who can't read it in the back, it says 4 step trophy never awarded.

This is a trophy you're not you can have your picture made with us later if you like, but this is a trophy you ain't getting. It's all part of the same concept, and the concept it's okay not to do it perfectly. It's not okay to not do it. So let's get started. And that's what I'm gonna wanna talk about while we're in process here.

Let's get started on this thing. 5 minutes of prayer and meditation, 25 minutes of writing. And I want a list of everybody and everything you have ever been angry with even if you're absolutely certain you've already forgiven The rule is when in doubt, write it out. If you're not sure, put it down. If it turns out later it's not a resentment, the loss is gonna be 15 or 20 seconds, a little bit of ink, a little bit of paper.

If it turns out you missed 1, the book says it will destroy you. Choose your consequence. Which one of those did you like the best? Me too. Alright.

And so what I want to do on this thing is to down the margin, write one name, skip one line. Write one name, skip one line. That was not an estimate. Those were exact counts. Right?

Now I understand the thing about your father, and you wanna save several pages. One name, one line. One name, one line. That's important to me. And when you get to the bottom of this page, you have to turn the page because clearly we've got other columns to do on this.

Turn the page right 1234 and keep it going. And I want I want them forgive the word. I want them to puke them just as fast as you can think of them, write them down. When they slow down on the facing page 65 at the bottom, it says we went back through our lives. I think that indicates we begin at the at at today and work backwards chronologically.

So throw them as fast as you can when they slow down on you. Go and sit a minute or 2. Can't think of 1. Then let's begin with today. Alright?

And, I'm married to this wonderful woman, and I work for this company. And we live in this house, and I got this home group and this church and this group of friends. But 8 years ago, I was married to a what's her name, and I was working for this other company and all of that stuff. And then before that, I was living in San Diego. And then before that, I was in the air force, and I was stationed at.

And then before that, I was stationed at. And before that, I was in college. And then before that, I was in high school. And you and you go chronologically back through your life analyzing it and looking for anything or anyone you have ever been angry with. There will probably be a major political party, maybe more than 1 major major political figures, a church, maybe more than 1, foreign countries, national figures, exes.

Just list all your family members. Don't worry about it. Just put them down. Right? Yeah.

Y'all interrupt till I make a mistake on this. And and just you just keep them coming. And when we get to your earliest memories and you can't think of anymore, your childhood, we're finished. And at this point, we're not we're not complete, but we are finished. At that point, I want you to start carrying a pencil and piece of paper with you all the time because you're gonna be walking through the grocery store.

You're gonna see the cantaloupe. That sucker's head looks just right at town. We'll add it to the list. And, when they get to that point, then we go to direction 2, which is still it on page 64. It says we asked ourselves why we are angry.

Let's have a look at the facing page, the example. I'm resentful at mister Brown, the cause. His his attention to my wife told my wife or my mistress Brown may get my job at the office. May if you would begin with the word office and count backwards on those words under the cause. See how many of that is.

Somebody? 19 words. 19 words. 19 words. This guy is messing with his wife, has told his wife about his girlfriend, and is trying to get him fired and take his job.

He got 19 words. Alright? Nineteen words. And if you have done this list like I've suggested, you have a name and under 2, you have the space all the way over to the spiral and the line below it. And you can get 19 words or less and there is a summary.

It's a summary. And it doesn't say it was a cold, rainy Wednesday afternoon. Alright? No. We're not starting there.

That's why you can't have 5 pages for your father because all you'll do is feed the resentment. We're not here to feed it. We're here to dig it out. Step 4 is about digging poison out of your soul. That is exactly what step 4 is about, literally, exactly digging poison out of your soul.

That's what this portion of this inventory is about. Not yet, but that's what we're coming to. And if you work across the page, you'll there are two reasons to to do it vertically. The first one and most important is the book said list and they run down the page. The second one is if you work across the page, you'll tend to feed the resentments.

Working vertically down the page through column 1 then column 2, it's much more analytical. You won't fire them up near as high. I see a lot of people nodding. Okay. That's great.

So we do that, and then, column 3, top of page 65, on our grudge list, opposite his name, we, our injuries, was it our self esteem, security, ambitions, personal or sexual relations was been interfered with 5 part multiple choice test. 5 part multiple choice. Column 3, write them down. It's that simple. For me, I think the most powerful directions in this book, I've seen more life change here, are the ones that lie between columns 3 and column 4.

It is the directions that do not call for writing. The observations and prayers that are absolutely life changing. And, we're gonna cover those in the next session. We're gonna take, 10 minute and 15 second break right now. We're gonna start back at 11 o'clock Shard.

I just Bob Darryl, and I am alcoholic. The room's thinning out. That must be we must be on step 4, almost. You know, I'd I've I started doing these step workshops, back in the mid mid early eighties. And I started them, because all of a sudden, I had too many guys to sponsor to individually take through the steps.

We started doing it as a group. And, for for years, we would start out with 20 or 30 people. And by the time we get to step 4, we'd be half. And then we lose a few more. We lose some at 9 too.

We'd all and I we do the same thing. I've been still going on. Only we get 80 people to a 100 people. And by the time when we get to step 4, we might lose 10, maybe. And they go through the whole thing.

And it's it's a nice feeling. Couple things to segues before I get into the thing of that, where Scott left off on step 4. This this thing about the first first of all, we had to quit playing god. You know, I this is really what we're gonna look at is how do I play god? And we're gonna look at that in step 4.

I didn't know that I played god. I used to go to my sponsor in early sobriety. And I would make these little mental lists of how out of line people were. You know, like, the people at work that are aren't coming on time, and they're stealing, and they're not working as hard as everybody else. And then I had long list of people in AA.

You know? You know, she's just here looking for a husband, and he's a 13 stepper, and he doesn't put any money in the basket. My god. He's selling Amway in the parking lot. You know?

And and and the the he lies in meetings, and she sounds like a Hallmark card in a recovery book store, and that guy's full of crap and, you know, on and on. And I go to my sponsor, and I tell him he's minimalist, and he'd always say the same thing to me. He says, you gotta quit playing god. And I think, I'm not playing God. I'm reporting accurate information here.

I'm not playing God. And I was playing God. I climbed up on the throne of judgment in a state of separation just like all the examples that Bill uses. The retired businessman lulling in Florida sunshine complaining of the sad state of the nation. The minister sighing over the sins.

I'm creating the separation based on my ego, based on self. The separation, the ism is I separate myself, and it starts with my judgment. And what what am I really trying to do here? When I when I'm asking god in this third step, what am I really, trying to do? I'm trying to get out of management.

I'm trying to get out of the driver's seat. And what am I turning over, really? You know, it says made a decision to turn our will, and it says will first and then our lives over to the care of god. I didn't know what will was. And I I went to it in early 1980 or so.

I went to a Joe and Charlie seminar. And and Charlie says your will is your thinking. Well, that's not that's close, but it's not all my thinking. Because I can drive down the street and and see see somebody I know and say, oh, that's Bill. And just keep driving.

And it's a cognizant thought. I recognize Bill. It's the thinking edged with self and the thinking involving judgment. Right? And how do I play god?

What is my I was at a attorney years ago when I was making a will because I started to own some properties and different things around Las Vegas, and I knew I needed to have an estate or will for my my daughter. And, this attorney says to me he says, you know, when you're making your last will, he said, really, what you're doing is you're making your last judgment. Your will is your judgment. It's the judgment. You judge these people to be idiots.

They don't get anything. You judge these people to be cool. They get something. You reach out from the grave. It is your last judgment on your fellow man.

And when I when he said that to me, all of a sudden, a lot of the things made started to make sense to me. The reason why in my first several years of sobriety, I would be constantly trying to turn my, I would think, my will in my life. But I'm really what I'm doing is I'm turning my life over to the care of God. And without realizing, I'm retaining my opinion and my judgment. And if you do that, it's like, here, god.

Here's my life, and there's a list coming of how it better go. Because you know what and then I get depressed. Because you know what depression is. That's when god stops doing your will. You know, there's an old it's an old biblical story.

I it's funny how having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I was able to revisit some of the things I was adamantly opposed to in my childhood and see them from a different light. Maybe often it light differently than they intended me to see them in Catholic school, but a light that makes sense to me in the light of my own spiritual awakening. And the biblical story of Adam and Eve, I I see today in a different light. Here's here's Adam and Eve who've been given heaven on earth, been given paradise, the Garden of Eden. It is it is perfect.

And if everything is and they're given one suggestion, we suggest you don't eat the fruit from this one particular tree. It's the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Now I don't know if this was the intent of the biblical writers, but it's I picture they couldn't reason first of all, they said, thou shalt not, which made the made the just put a neon sign on that tree. You know what I'm saying? Well, I didn't even I'm that kinda guy.

I don't even wanna do something till you tell me I can't. You know, I'm I'm I'm just I can't make it past the do not touch wet paint sign without going like that. I just something about me. And this this fruit of the knowledge of good and evil, I think they were in heaven, and they ate that fruit, and they got the knowledge of good and evil. They got the judgment.

And all of a sudden, they lost paradise. Because all of a sudden, what had been paradise, Adam's going, god, there's crabgrass. What the hell were you thinking? Eve's got cellulite. God, what are you what's going on here?

There's flies. This is crap. What is it? And what hit was heaven became hell, and what changed? Nothing.

Except that they got their judgment. And one of my great mentors was a guy named Chuck Chamberlain. Chuck Chuck helped me a lot. And Chuck used to tell a story about sitting in this chair in his house, married to this woman working in this plant, and he said he'd sit in that chair and feel like he was dying, feeling like he was in hell. And then many years later, he found himself sitting in the after getting sober, working these steps, finding himself sitting in the same chair married to the same woman with the same kids, working at the same place.

And he felt like he was heaven. And he said, maybe heaven's just a new pair of glasses. Maybe I put myself in hell. And I know what it's like to be in hell. I know what it's like to be in that state of separation, separate from you, separate from god, alone unto myself in my own discontent, playing god.

And I, I'll give you a novel thought that has been true for me. I have never had a situation in my life ever that's been a problem, but I've had some judgments that were problems. It is my judgment of my life. I I stop being the old Chinese farmer, and I become the I know guy, and the I know guy has opinions of everything. And that's where the conflict ensues as I start to argue with life.

And people who argue with the truth get sick, And I got sick. I was very sick. So we're looking for the things in us which had been blocking us. And it talks in the top of page 64, it says, though our decision in step 3 was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by an effort by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in us which had been blocking us. The things which had been blocking us.

That's why without step 4, you can't turn your will in your life over the care of God. Without 4 through 9, you're blocked. You can't do it. You cannot do it. And you must do it.

You must be free of this selfishness you muster. It kills you, and yet you can't be free of it. I can't. And that's why in my early sobriety, I suffered from alcoholism, because I hadn't I did a a crappy version of the steps, you know, your life story, but I never did this. And as a result, I never dismantled my judgment machine, and I am spending my first four and a half years of sobriety continually trying to give god my life and running the show at the same time, and that is a hell unto itself.

Right? That is a hell unto itself. And I would be the guy in the meeting if the if the subject was step 3. I'd say, I don't know what's wrong, but I keep turning over and taking it back. Well, I never turned it over, really.

I still retain I'm trying to give god my life, and I'm retaining my will, my judgment of how things should go. I'm still the great I am in my own life. I'm still the center. I still think I know how it should go. God, you didn't, God, what's wrong with you?

You didn't cure this guy's cancer. God, you you didn't give me a better job. And, God, you made and she left. God, why'd you leave? You know, on and on and on and on and on.

I got these judgments that are keeping me in hell when really everything was in divine order, and I couldn't see it. I couldn't see it. In step in the 12 by 12, there's a passage that was pointed out to me when I was 4 and a half years little over 4 years sober. I was a little over 4 years sober. I'm going to 10 or 12 meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous a week.

I'm sponsoring guys. I'm very active. I'm, I am a DCM. I'm a chairman of a conference. I'm very active in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I am dying of untreated alcoholism in the rooms of AA because I'd never really cleaned house.

I did my life story, but I never dismantled the judgment machine, and I was dying here. And then there's a description of of of this illness of spiritual illness that happens to us as a result of not cleaning house in the 12 by 12. And this a guy read this pointed this out to me, and I read it, and it was me exactly. And it comes from page 56 in step 5. And it's about the 4th line down in the first paragraph where it starts with some people.

If you have a 12 by 12. If you don't, I'm gonna read it. 12 by 12. Yeah. It says some people are unable to stay sober at all.

Others will relapse periodically until they really clean house. Even AA old timers and this is the part that hooked me because I figured 4 years or so, I'm an old timer. Right? Even AA old timers sober for years often pay dearly for skimping this step, and here's how we pay. They will tell how they tried to carry the load alone.

And at that point, my sobriety, everything was very serious. Everything was very heavy. Everything was a big deal. People at 1 of the clubs in town, some guy accused me of having my sense of humor surgically removed. I mean, You know?

I'm the guy who's sitting in the meetings. I have no sense of humor. I'm I share at people in the meetings, right, to straighten them out. Right? I share oh, I'm I'm a I'm a sight I'm the vision for you.

I'll tell you. And you loved me. How they carried tried to carry the load alone. How much they suffered of irritability. I'm not irritable, but I am painfully aware of what's wrong with everybody.

How they suffered of anxiety? I it's been in my head. I I just I've it's crazy. I just worry about I wake up afraid. Yeah.

I wake up anxious and apprehensive and roll over it as if I love what doctor Silkworth says. He says to us, our alcoholic life seems the only normal one. Like, as if it is normal to be neurotic and worry all the time and be full of apprehension and anxiety. I'm that guy. I'm suffering from anxiety.

It says we suffer from remorse because when you're irritable and occasionally go off on somebody, and then I feel like crap later. Whether it's a waitress in a restaurant that hasn't weighed on me quickly enough because she doesn't know who I am, And then I go off on her, and I'd read her the ride act and storm out of there, and I'm never gonna eat here again. And then I go sit in my car and feel like I wanna go out in the garden and eat worms because I feel ashamed of myself because I've just acted like someone who I wouldn't like. Right? I've become the guy and remorse is when I become the guy I wouldn't like.

Right? So I suffer from remorse and depression. I have always been the type of alcoholic that has suffered with untreated alcoholism. 1 of my primary my 2 primary symptoms convinced if I could find her, I'll fix all that, and it never works out. Because I'm coming from a place of need and a place of vacancy.

Relationships are for adults. They're not for crippled children, emotionally crippled children. And so I'm suffering from depression. And I it's not the it's not clinical depression even though I know that depression I had been diagnosed as clinically depressed by a very competent psychiatrist. And it looks like clinical depression, but it's really not.

It's spiritual depression. It's the depression of the obsessively, overly self involved. My spirit gets depressed because I smother myself with myself. I just get me right here and my emotions and my life and my anxieties and my fears until I'm just totally alone consumed in myself and I sink into the abyss. And I started having bouts of that again.

That's a hideous thing. A hideous thing. And it wasn't it wasn't real clinical depression. It was untreated alcoholism. I was not relieved of the bondage of self.

I had not dismantled my judgment machine. I was locked in the conflicted position between me and god's universe. As it says on the in the big book, I'm looking for the things in me which had been blocking me. Not only blocking me from carrying out the decision I've made in step 3 until I dismantle my judgment machine, I can't turn my will. I can't give my will up.

I'm not giving my will up. I'm retaining my will. And to see in this thing the exact nature of my wrongs, how wrong I had been about everybody, how wrong I'd been about my parents, How in my self centered perception and judgment of them. How wrong I'd been about the women in my life and the employers and the police and society. And how wrong I had been in my judgments and my fears.

The things I was so and every fear I had was a judgment. It was a I this is gonna be awful and terrible. I gotta protect myself from that. Somewhere I make those judgments, and then I sometimes I make them come true. So how wrong?

I'm looking for the things that blocked me from carrying out the decision of step 3 and also blocked me from the the great reality deep down within me. The book said I was blocked from God within me. I was obscured by pomp, by calamity, by worship of other things, my need to be right. I was so full of myself. I I was blocked.

I was I couldn't find God, and I'm also blocked from you. Alcoholics of my type with untreated alcoholism as my spirit gets sick, I live in a state of separation from the people around me. That peculiar, sick, secret loneliness of being in a room full of people who I intellectually know care about me. And yet I'm the one guy here that doesn't belong. And I don't know why.

A state of anxious apartness that biz Bill talks about it in the 12 by 12, that feeling that it's all of you and then there's me. And it's an exquisite type of loneliness. And the only thing the danger of that is the only thing that ever freed me from that instantaneously when I can't stand it anymore has been 5 shots of Jack Daniels, and I could come out and play. And the danger for me is that if I stay in that state of separation, blocked and separate and depressed and anxious and all the stuff that is part of my untreated alcoholism long enough, I will start to yearn for freedom, and I will start to hunger to bust out. And the only thing that it can bust me out when my emotions and my spirituality is putting the screws to me, is to take something, take a drink, and hope, hope against hope, that maybe this time it'll work like it did when I was 20 years old even though it hadn't the whole 3 or 4 last years I drank.

Drank. The insanity of alcohol returns, and I drink again. And I don't drink because I crave alcohol. I drink because I crave freedom. I crave freedom, freedom from the bondage of self, something I can't get because I haven't dismantled the things in step 4 and 5, 6 and 7 that keep me locked into in a hostage of my own self involvement.