Big Book Workshop Weekend in Altamore Springs, FL

Quit drinking, your problem's over. It's written for the chronic alcoholics. Alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period, we get worse never better. Any considerable period, drunk or sober.

We are like men who have lost their legs. They never grow new ones, neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. Boy, we have too. I mean, we have tried some stuff.

I it's just bizarre stuff. I was at a I was at a couple years ago. This guy is in a meeting, Sherry. He was people were talking about different ways to get over hangovers and not to straighten their life out. This guy was talking about coffee enemas.

I said, jeez. I mean, who thinks this stuff up? I mean, it's didn't work. He's a newcomer. I mean, you know?

And then it's the last sentence in this paragraph says something here. It says, science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet. And you know something? I wish they would stop trying. I've been I've been around.

I remember the Rand report. I remember I've I've been through probably 50 things over the years that have come out that were gonna fix us, that didn't fix us. The Rand report, the Rand Corporation spent 1,000,000 of dollars on this project to prove they could turn alcoholics into social drinkers. And it it worked while they were in a controlled situation. Yeah.

Couple years later, they had to go back and and publish this thing that that really didn't work. Those guys a lot of those guys were dead or in institutions or couple of them were in AA. Then there's the, you know, the Raleigh Hills and the Keely cure, you know, we had went through that. We're we're like, as as if throwing up is gonna make me quit drinking. I mean, I could I could walk down the the street, throw up and never hit my shoes and just that's just something you adjust to.

I remember I I remember the seventies when when this is this will sound bizarre in today's light, but it tell you it wasn't so bizarre. When if you took a a physician's desk reference from early seventies and you looked up Valium or Librium, it would say things like they're non addictive. The doctors recommended them formally across the country for people who had alcoholism that were trying to quit drinking as if alcoholism's a Valium deficiency or something. Right? We've tried everything.

And they're never gonna come out with a pill. Let's let's indulge them. Let's have a little fantasy. Okay. Let's say sciences comes out with a pill that's gonna take a guy like me and make me into a social drinker.

The first thing I'm gonna think about was, well, how social could I get? I mean, you know, if one pill would do that, how you know, god, what would happen if I took 3 or 4? I I mean, there'd be guys there'd be guys in this room that'd be snorting them and smoking them and shooting them and just you know? I mean, because the people who think that don't get it. We don't we don't wanna be like social drinker.

We would like to have the consequences of social drinkers, but I don't really and never would wanna be the guy who get works hard all day, goes to a bar, has just 2 beers and goes home and cuts the grass. I don't wanna be that guy. I'm the guy who has 2 beers, gets a gallon of tequila and heads for Tijuana. I mean, that's my nature. Scott?

Oh, yeah. Ain't that great? I am so glad this isn't a contest. I'll tell you right now. I he reminded me a lady friend in my home group says, one of these days, some idiot's gonna invent a pill that'll make you normal.

And I'm gonna take a whole bottle of them. I'm a be extremely normal. He also reminded me of a couple other cute things I've heard here and there. The first rule of holes, when you're in 1, stop digging. And the first rule of cavalry, when the horse is dead, dismount.

These are hard concepts for us. I try to give it you know, take take them in small bites. I was I was talking about the things that I got here knowing for sure that turned out to be incorrect, and I was suffering from what I like to call the John Wayne syndrome. And it was, at about age 11, I got this mental image of what a man was, and I pretended to be that for the next 30 years, and I'll I'll encapsulate it for you. It was, big boys don't cry.

Never apologize. It's a sign of weakness. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Never let them see your weaknesses.

Never ask a stupid question. Get what you want. It'll make you happy. Never give up. Never surrender no matter what.

Sound familiar? That's the act I was doing when I got here, thinking that's what a man was and knowing that I was insufficient, so I was pretending to be that. And it has been my experience that that stuff was the exact opposite of what real men are. Real men say they don't know. They're not afraid of what they don't know.

They're not afraid to ask for, for help. I've learned to cry since I've been here. I had to be coached. There was a, fellow in my home group that was crying in almost every meeting. And at a year or so, I asked him about it.

And I said, tell me about the tears. And he said, oh, somebody says something beautiful, and it touches my heart in a wonderful way, and I just weep and it feels so good. And I said, Tony, I can't cry. And he said, I will teach you. And he did.

Took a year. And it is one of my great pleasures to teach people to cry. If you would like to learn, I typed it up. I brought them. And, because it's my belief now this is this is the red flags warnings.

Alright? This is not in the text. This is my belief. It's my belief that I'm mind, body, and spirit. We've had the experience of the mind and the body running the show.

Qualified me to sit in close meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and most of the other 12 step fellowships you've ever heard of. Can't afford the price of the mind and body running the show anymore. And I believe my spirit communicates with my body and my mind through my emotions, so I can't afford to block the channel. That's how it is for me. And, so if you like learn to cry, see me later.

I'll be glad to show you. So I had to I had to to learn to lay down the act. That's very difficult to do when the only thing I know is that I'm no good. Well, here's a piece of the great truth if you happen to be new and you haven't touched this one yet. The god of forever, the one that invented the galaxies and the stars and the duckbill platypus, okay, was not in the middle of a long losing streak having a real bad day.

When he came up with me or any of you, it did not happen that way. We we I like to talk about the things I was wrong about. And the idea that I was effect defective and not as good as everyone else was wrong. And if you've been believing that, you're wrong. It's just not so.

It's just not so. There are things about me that needed some work. The fact that I'm working on it makes me healthy. I've got my own definition of healthy. Had somebody who's on the path facing forward moving at any speed.

Don't care where on the path. Doesn't matter. Love to hang out with them. The earth people bore me to death. I mean, they really do.

I just I have no interest. I heard a speaker one time say he'd been picked up at the airport by a total stranger in the 20 minute ride to the Holiday Inn. They were talking about things most people wouldn't tell their priest, and and that's who we are. Anyway, I asked when my sponsor told me I was gonna have to do this 12 steps, I wasn't even sure he was serious about that and, especially about 9, and they can't possibly mean that. And so I asked him why I had to do the 12 steps.

Now let me tell you about myself. When I ask why, I'm not actually looking for an answer. What I'm looking for is a fight. I'm hunting for something I can argue with. Give me a a why answer, and I'll explain to you where you're confused.

You don't have all the pieces. There's something wrong with your argument. And, my sponsor did not answer why questions for the minute he sponsored except for this one. And I don't either. And, he said the reason was that step 1 section b says you're not in management.

Why is a management question. Consequently, all the why questions have the same answer, and the answer is you don't need to know. And I did not like that when I first heard it. And today, I just love it. It's one of my cornerstones because I always thought it was not knowing that made me crazy.

And then I was wrong about that. It was needing to know that was making me crazy. It wasn't not knowing. And when I've released my grip on needing to know, I cannot know and be okay. And that was kinda anyway, I asked him why I had to do the 12 steps.

I said it's only one he very answered for me. And he said, think of yourself as a garbage can. It's the only easy easy assignment, I guess, the man ever gave me. And he said, what we're gonna do with these steps is dump you out. Scrub the can and stand it back upright.

We're gonna fish through your life. Most of it's trash. We're gonna throw it away. But portions of it are good, and we'll keep those portions, and he gave 2 examples. And he said, do you love your children?

I said, I love my children a lot. He said, great. We'll keep that. And then he got smart excuse me. He said, when you go to work, you do a good job?

I said, well, yeah. He said, well, we'll keep some of that. When when we get finished with these steps, you'll be a large clean can with just a little good stuff in the bottom. See, our program's kinda like going to the dentist. We got to drill before we can fill.

If we just fill with the good stuff, the poison's still in there. It'll rot. Eventually, it'll detonate. And, he said the good news is like the dentist, we got Novocaine. We call it home group.

We call it fellowship. We call it sponsorship. We call it love. It's not that hard. It's really not.

If you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous and the steps look like they're designed to punish you, welcome. That's how they look to us. And we were wrong about that, and you are too. Mhmm. Just not that hard.

But, and I just every time he took a breath, I said, why? I won't replay my part, but that's what it was each time. And he said he said the reason is is because, eventually, that stuff's gonna detonate. He says, really, what you are is an escape artist. See, alcohol is not your problem, and it wasn't.

Alcohol was my answer. And I told you before, if I'm gonna lay down that answer, I need a new answer. I have to be turned into the kind of guy who never gets thirsty. And, this story has a very happy ending. My precious daughter, about 10 years ago, fired a pistol under her mouth, and she survived it.

And, we did too. She's doing fine. Everything is good. You guys were wonderful. If I had not allowed him to coach me through those those 12 steps, good chance I would have committed murder within 24 hours of that, and this story wouldn't have the happy ending that it does.

But you see, I never got thirsty during that. Never did. I sponsor, now 2 men who've had their sons killed, teenage sons in recovery. Neither one of them ever got thirsty. And, one of them says it better than I could, and I have I have permission to tell any story I tell up here, by the way, and Bob does too.

He said it this way. He said, one of these days, you'll have to go to the mountain all by yourself. If you haven't done the work out of this book and you can't reach out and take the master's hand, you won't be able to go. And I believe that. This is page 14.

I didn't know I was gonna cover this here. We read a lot of promises in the book. Here's one. Last line, page 14. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge a spiritual life through work and self sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.

We're here to promise you trials and low spots guaranteed right there, says certain. Hope you get the work done for the next one. Because my sponsor said that's what you need, that empty space in that can for us to store that pain in the what he said the example he gave to me, he said tough stuff happens. He says one of the days something is just gonna slam your heart. And when it does, he said, your father's gonna die.

And on that day, if you don't have that big, clean, empty can, just a little bit stuff in the bottom, if you don't have that empty, clean space to store that pain in while we love you back to spiritual health, you'll escape. That's what you are. You're an escape artist. And the only escapes you know are killing you, and they're devastating everyone around you. And I ran out of Hawaii and allowed him to coach me through the the 12 steps.

I I learned later what I was escaping from. It's kind of an interesting observation. On pages 825, we're not going to them. Bill says that he's catapulted into the 4th dimension, and he says rocketed into the 4th dimension. Albert Einstein said the 4th dimension is time.

The dimensions are width, height, depth, and time. And the time I'm rocketed into is right now. I can be present now. That's what I used to escape. I used to escape the right now.

I couldn't stand to be here couldn't stand to be here. I think one of the most difficult things for me to learn in recovery is not to borrow pain from the past or the future. I think the first ten steps are about cleaning up my past so there's nothing gaining on me. The last 2 are about embracing the great truth that this loving god holds my future. It is those two facts that free me to live one day at a time in this day.

If I don't have both of those in place, I can't be here. That's what that's about. And so the the time I'm rocketed into is the right now. I can be present, and I've been here all night. I haven't gone anywhere else.

You understand what I'm talking about? Yeah. I'll tell you something else I was told early on just in case you're new and it might be worth something to you. Have you ever had the experience of your eyes are moving across the page and your mind is moving across the universe? I was told if I would read out loud, it would stop that, and it does.

And I just pass it on in case you can use it. It's been important to me. We talk a lot about acceptance too, and this was a beautiful gift for me. And I'm just gonna share it for no reason at all except I thought of it. Wow.

Acceptance doesn't have to include approval. Acceptance is when I quit on a gut level, on a heart level, fighting something over which I have no power. I only get a certain amount of spiritual energy on any given day. And if I'm squandering it on on things that I have no power over, I probably won't have sufficient quantities left to handle what is truly my assignment for this day. So I have to be careful that I have acceptance where I need it.

Let's go to page 52. I love to do this one in the jail, because we we do this one as a as a, audience response when in the jail. Paragraph begins, we had to ask ourselves why we shouldn't apply to our human problems the same readiness to change our point of view. It says we were having trouble with personal relationships. Anybody get that?

Uh-huh. Couldn't control our emotional natures? Yeah. Prayed to misery and depression, had some of that? Couldn't make a living?

That's fun with the guys in the jail. They get that one. We, had a feeling of uselessness. We're full of fear. We were unhappy.

Couldn't seem to be a real help to other people. You had some of that? Okay. Keep your hand on page 52. Don't lose this one.

And let's skip to 83. At my home group, we do this as a coral reading. It actually, in my part of the world, the, 9 step promises are read in most meetings as part of the opening. And one day, nobody had a book and nobody had a copy, and somebody said, I bet we can do them together. And we knew them, and we still do it that way, although most of us bring our books to class now.

That might be kind of fun. Let's try that. I'm gonna ask you to and we do them with enthusiasm because we believe this. Alright? Let's do them together.

Bottom of page 83 begins with if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through, lightly now, we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Okay. You still got page 52? Yeah. Yeah. And live some of that, like to live what's on 83 and 84, then do this.

What lies between not learn it, not understand it, not believe it, not interpret it, but do it. What my sponsor said is meet the conditions. It's not all of the program, but that's the heart. That's how I got from living the description on page 52 to living what's on 83 and 84. Powerful stuff.

Powerful. See, I got here wanting to work the promises and hope the steps came true. Did you do that when you were new, kinda pretend you were living that because you thought that was what you're supposed to do? Yeah. That's not it.

When I I I really forgive the soapbox. This fake it till you make it thing makes me wanna throw up. I faked it long enough. We're gonna talk about a different concept later, and that's act as if. It's a whole different thing.

This is one I love a lot too. Page 35. Could do this and let me, Bob, you know, I'm gonna do here. Great question. Top of page 35.

What sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink? So that's the question. Alright? The answer is at the top of page 36 where it says we ask him to tell us exactly how it happened. This is his story.

That would be different from this is what happened. Right? Remember that? What what your story was wasn't maybe all these exactly what happened. K.

He says, I came to work on Tuesday morning. Where was he Monday? Well, now wait a minute. Monday? What what why I had the flu on Monday.

Okay. I remember I felt irritated I had to be a salesman for a concern I once owned. I bet. That sounds like a resentment to me. You don't think irritated is strong enough on that?

How about twist it out of shape, bent over? Okay. I had a few words with the boss. Nothing serious. Yeah.

Right? Are you inferring that words with the boss are always serious? You you see the thinking we're dealing with here? I think that's fantastic. And then down in squiggly writing further down the page, suddenly, suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk, it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach.

That is the exact same thinking as words with the boss, nothing serious. Right? That's why I need a sponsor because I need somebody to hear what's going on in here so that I don't do it. Somebody at my home group told me one time, I think it's really important. I've been reading 2 pages a day in the big book for a lot of years.

I haven't tried to memorize the book, but I just know where a lot of stuff is now. That's the one day at a time concept applied to reading the big book. Two pages a day. That's all. I read the book 4 times a year like that.

And, but somebody in my home group said, do you know the difference between a good habit and a bad habit? Said no. They said good habits are easy to break. I think that might be right. Yeah.

We've been talking a lot about step 1, and I'm gonna wrap up a little something on that that it it step 1. Here we go. Page 59, I think. We admitted we were powerless of our alcohol. Therefore, our lives had become unmanageable is what I saw for the first pretty good while that I was in here.

On close examination, I have discovered that the word therefore does not appear in the first step. The reason I was confused about that is on June 27, 1984, which is the day of my most recent drink. The fact that I was powerless over alcohol and the fact that my life was a disaster were related. January 21, 2005, the fact that I am powerless over alcohol, my life is unmanageable or unrelated. The dash is English punctuation, which separates 2 separate thoughts, which Bob mentioned earlier.

This may not mean anything to you. For me, it's one of the most important concepts I ever got. I don't find a place in this book after that point, after that page that says, congratulations. Now having achieved this high spiritual plane, your life is now manageable. The tank's full.

The keys are in it. Go get somebody shout out the page number. Where is that? I can't find it. I do find several places that promise sanity, and part of my sanity is that I have fired me as general manager of my own life based on my performance.

And a good manager would have fired me decades ago. Yeah. And this morning, I invited God in to run my life, not as the 12 and 12 says, as a Bush league pitch hitter to give me a little help and get me out of this, and I'll never do it again. I used to pray. I call them the pre AA prayers.

They were, help me pass this test I didn't study for. Don't let her be pregnant. Well, they recognize that one, didn't they? And get me out of this and I'll never do it do it again, and I really mean it this time. Right?

And what I was doing in those days, if you'll think about it, is I was trying to make him my god. What you're teaching me here is how to make me his man. I had it backwards. I had so many things backwards. I treat my godly keys a gentleman.

A gentleman won't go where he's not invited. He won't stay where he's not made welcome. And each morning, I invite him into my life as god to run this life. I learned this from a guy I sponsored about 3 months ago. I say, god, you've given me another day.

I'd like to give it back to you. And anything you want today suits me fine. Let's do it your way today. Help me just be of service, and I always ask him to help me treasure my wife. And that's about it.

And then I lay out my plans for the day. Let me tell you something. Let me give you the warning that comes with that. If you got things you really wanna do that day, don't pray that prayer. We're gonna take a 10 minute break.

We're gonna start at 9 o'clock straight up. Bob Darrell, I'm an alcoholic. Okay. We're powerless. We're dying.

What what brings a self willed opinionated guy like me to my knees that I would come into Alcoholics Anonymous and be able to listen to you? Because I'm I fit the old adage. You can always tell an alcoholic, but you can't tell them much. You know, I'm that guy. I just I'm the guy who I can't I come into your meetings forced to come here, and I can't shut this off.

I can't stop picking you apart, and you can't tell me nothing, and I'm that guy. How do you how does a guy like me surrender get broken enough that I can actually come here and do what you do and listen to you and put what has 70 7, I, ended 77, I ended up in a county jail. And I was facing a couple years in a state penitentiary for a hit and run DUI in a stolen car. They gave me a phone call, and there wasn't a person on the face of the earth to call. I was totally alone.

I I can't even put into words what that feels like to know that you're you're light you've destroyed your life and there's no one to turn to. And And I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in that county jail as I'd gone to meetings and institutions for years, and I'm sitting there, and I'm not there for recovery, really. Honestly, I'm there for tailor made cigarettes because all they gave me what it was a thing of bull Durham and some paper. Right? And and, also, I knew people in AA had some influence, and some of them had a lot of money.

Maybe I could shoot a little angle. You're always got angles if you're like me. You know, get some guy to get a judge or put the bail or something. You know? I and I'm sitting there, and here comes this guy, Woody.

And I knew Woody. Woody used to bring the meetings into the detox I was in. Woody brought meetings into the halfway house I was in. Woody was one of those kinda members of AA that I judged harshly. Woody was one of those kinda guys that even on a good day when things are kinda clicking a little bit, I can kinda tolerate Woody.

This is not a good day. This is a bad day for me. And here comes Woody. He's one of those do gooders in AA. Those the the weird the thing that I think bothered me both the most about Woody is Woody was happy and sober.

I know happy. I know sober. I don't know, and I don't get happy and sober. My alcoholics anonymous for years as a slipper had to me had good news and bad news. The good news that maybe if I went to thousands of these stupid meetings, I'll stay sober the rest of my life.

And the bad news, I'm gonna live a long time. Because I can't imagine life without alcohol. Here comes Woody, and I I have started apologizing to him for letting all the people in AA down. And I asked him if he could help me, you know, because they have a bit you know, a judge or help me get out on bail. And I told him that my my little plans, you know, I'm gonna get out of here, and I'll get in a good halfway house, not like that one that took advantage of me.

I'll get in a good one, and I'll and I'm gonna get some of that government voc rehab money that I heard about that's good for alcoholics. And I'm gonna go to college, and I'm gonna maybe I'll be a doctor, a lawyer, I'll be something. Woody's looking at me, and then I I got it's like I'm missing something. And I oh, and I'm gonna go to your meetings and work your stairs too. I'll do all that stuff.

And Woody and Woody looks me right in the eye in my broken state and says, kid, who are you trying to kid? You're not gonna stay sober. You haven't hit a bottom. You haven't surrendered, kid. Who are you kidding?

No. I didn't say nothing to him because I don't do well with confrontation sober. I mean, I but I'm screaming. Do you ever just sit and and think at people? And I'm thinking at him, and I'm I'm thinking, like, who are you to tell me that?

I don't that's the most negative thing I've ever heard. I don't need that. I need positive reinforcement here. I don't need this negativity. What do you mean haven't hit a bottom?

You don't know nothing about me. You with your Cadillac and your big house and your wife and kids and fancy job. You don't know nothing about me living on the streets. You don't know nothing about me. Surrender.

I thought I sat there in that meeting, and I screamed at him in my head. Surrender. What's he mean surrender? Surrender what? There's nothing left of me.

2 years ago, I had a relationship and a job, and I had a I had a stuff going on. I coulda had some stuff to give up. I don't got nothing left. What's he talking about? And I never did say nothing to him, and I sat there that whole night, and I couldn't sleep.

And I sat in my bunk in my cell, and I just run-in the scenarios through my head of what I should've said to Woody and then what he'd have said and then what I'd have said then what he'd've said. Then I would hit him with the big one, and he'd have been humbled at how wrong he was. You know? And I didn't know that I was gonna go on one more run after that. And I would come off that run, and I would know something in-depth that Woody was right.

That I hadn't surrendered. I hadn't surrendered the one thing that a guy like me has to give up or I will die of alcoholism. And it's not the house, and it's not the job, and it's it's none of that stuff. I have to give up my self reliance. See, I'm the guy who gets I go on a run and alcoholism will strip me to the bone, and I'll just burn my life to the ground.

And then I'll get back in Alcoholics Anonymous. The first thing I get back is my opinion. And it's I start the judgments and the big I am that listens to nothing except myself. And Woody looked at me, and he knew I wasn't surrendered because surrendered as I've looked at hundreds of guys over the years in institutions, and I know. Because I listened to their little plans and designs, and I realized the same thing that Woody realized when he was looking at me.

What Woody saw was a guy that was dying of alcoholism insisting on being at the helm of his own ship even though he kept burning it down over and over again, and I couldn't stop it. And he knew I didn't have a shot as long as I was in control of my life. And what brings a guy like me to this point of surrender? It it's you know, there's the big illusion that I function under is there's gonna be some ultimate bottom. You know, like, a bottom that'll be so horrendous and so horrible.

I will it'll snap me into abstinence, and I'll never drink again. And I don't think there is such a thing. Matter of fact, I see a lot of us go right past the worst bottoms you can think of. We die on the streets. We we drink ourselves into oblivion and toward and almost in a coma and throw up while we're passed out.

We drowned in our own vomit or we hang ourselves 2. Place on the bottom of page 151 and 152. It's this is really what brought me to AA and what what got me in the door here without with this hadn't happened to me, I'd never ever been able to come to you. It says now and then a serious drinker being dry at the moment says, I don't miss it at all. Feel better, work better, having a better time.

As ex problem drinkers, we smile at such as Sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself inwardly, secretly. I would give anything to take a half dozen drinks and get that ease and comfort and get away with it. I didn't give it anything to get away with it.

And it says, I will presently try the old game again. Why? Because I'm not happy about my sobriety, really. I can give you all the work better, feel better, having a better time. I can go to meetings and recite a litany of things I'm grateful for.

I'm grateful I don't have leprosy. I'm grateful I'm not in jail. And it means nothing to me, really. It's just the it's just the the the running of my mouth that I do when I want your approval. Secretly inside myself, I got a hole you could drive a Mack truck through, and I don't know what's wrong with me.

And I I sit in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous dying of that loneliness, that feeling. It's all of you, and then there's me. And I don't know what's wrong with me. And I would give anything to take a half dozen drinks and get away from get away with it because it's the only thing I ever knew that when I felt like this would be give me some relief. It's the only thing I ever knew.

And it says I'll presently try the old game again, and I did because I'm not happy about my sobriety. And then it says, I cannot picture life without alcohol. I really can't because abstinence feels like I'm doing time. And I drink again so I can come out and play. I drink again so I can be a part of.

Alcohol integrates me at one time. Now it doesn't do that the last couple years. But at one time, it did, and it was the only thing I ever knew that ever did that, really. That ever did what I scratch the itch that I needed to have scratched. It was the only thing that ever really did for me the thing I hungered to have done.

It was the only thing that at one time really was an effective treatment for the real secret spiritual malady of alcoholism. It was the only thing that at one time ever really rang my bell. And now I can't imagine life without it. And then here's exactly what happened to me. This is what brought me into Alcoholics Anonymous or to a place that I think is the vestibule of AA.

It's the entrance. It says someday, he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping off place. If you're brand new and your life is demoralized and you can't imagine life with it anymore and you can't imagine life without it and you kinda wish you were dead, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous.

You were you have walked into the vestibule of spiritual change. You are stuck. You are without options. When you get to a place where drinking is awful and not drinking is awful, and if you're lucky like I am and you didn't have enough courage at the end even though you tried to commit suicide. When you can't drink and you can't not drink and you can't kill yourself, I mean, what the hell is left except AA, really?

I mean, real I mean, really? I mean, we are the last house on the block. We'll wish for the end. And that's what brought me to a bridge in 1978. That's when my last drunk That's what took me out there with a bottle of Richard's Wild Irish Rose just because I wanna stop this.

I've entered into a phase of alcoholism that I had been in for a couple years, but was delusional about it. You know what delusion is? It's Scott talked about it. He's it's it's psychotic wishful thinking. All the evidence is is the last many times I've drank, it's been awful, but I don't want it to be awful.

So I start to imagine that it's gonna be like it was when I was 20 years old even though it hasn't been that way for a long time. And I imagine it so vividly that I'm absolutely convinced it's gonna be like that even though when I start drinking, it ain't like that no more. And I've entered into a state of alcoholism and I got it where the party's over and I knew it. And now I'm not the guy that's drinking and shooting pool and laughing and talking to the girls and having a good time. I've become the guy who sits all by himself if I'm in a bar or if I'm on a park bench with a bottle of wine.

And I sit in those bars and those gin joints, and I throw down those shots, and I feel sorry for myself. And sometimes I grow and cry in jags. And I feel so alone and full of self pity. And I look at the people that are having fun drinking, and I resent them and I hate them and I want what they have. And I don't know why I can't be like that because that I was all about that at one time.

What happened to the glory days? What happened to the magnificence of the effect I'd once found in alcohol? I can't imagine life without it, and I can't imagine life with it, and I'm stuck. The party is over, and abstinence is doesn't I can't I can't I can't do this. I can't do abstinence.

I can do it for a while. 10 months, a year, maybe I I think I you know, I'm the kind of guy if I if I would've had enough money and I was rich enough, maybe I could've had a maybe abstinence for long term. The rest of my life would have been possible if I would have been rich enough maybe to create a nonstop series of self gratifying events that never stopped. You know, like a new $80,000 car every 3 days, a new motorcycle every 2 days, a new girlfriend every 4 days, a new house, new vacate you know, if I could have created a non stop series of gratification events, maybe I wouldn't have to return to drinking. But I can't do that, and I always get to the point where there's nothing left to throw at the vacancy.

There's nothing left to put between me and me, and there I am. And I drink because I don't know what else to do, really. And the people at AA say, well, do AA. Well, what do you got here for fun? Well, we got these meetings.

Got anything else? Well, every once in a while, we have an AA dance. You ever been to an AA dance with untreated alcoholism? Oh, man. You'll remember right away why you used to drink.

I'll tell you. You're standing up against the wall like this. Oh, it's all of them and then there's me. Oh, this is great. Having fun yet?

So it was the absolute lack of alternatives and the smashing of the first illusion that someday I'll control and enjoy it, that I'll ever beat this thing and a lack of alternatives that really brought me here. If I could have killed myself, somebody else would be up here. If I could have learned to beat this thing and not keep relapsing, somebody else would be up here. Or if I could have controlled my drinking and got back to the good old days. But I was absolutely, truthfully on the square out of options.

And that was what brought me here. When I was new in sobriety, you know, I'd I'd the last couple years, I was I was a homeless guy, which doesn't isn't a prerequisite for alcoholism. There's a lot of homeless guys that are just just nuts. I mean, they're just not they're not they're an alcoholic. But I was there because I didn't care anymore.

You know? I'd had it one time. I had great stuff. And when you it doesn't ring your bell and you know that that doesn't help, you start get to a point where I don't even care. So you let it all go.

And I went down. And you think, you know, the big the big illusion is you think homelessness is terrible. I'm telling you. There's there's an amount of relief in it. You know what's really hard?

It's when you're trying to still maintain the relationships and the job and put up the front and juggling your alcoholism. That's hell. When you give it all up and you go live in an abandoned building and you're getting free meals on the street, now you can drink the way you've always wanted to drink. It's almost a relief, I tell you. It really is almost a relief.

And I, a guy and and people in my Alcoholics Anonymous brought me gave me clothes when I was new because I had nothing. They gave me cigarettes. They gave me rides to meetings. And a guy one day gave me a box of books, and I wasn't sober very long. And and they weren't recovery books.