The Northern Plains Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Fargo, ND

Hi, everybody. My name is Steven Wells. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Steven. By the grace of God, good sponsorship.

Meetings like this, I haven't found it necessary to drink since October 29, 2000. Alright. Well, I guess it's it's been told me to share in general way what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like now. I was born in Bemidji, Minnesota. I don't know why you guys are doing that.

I moved 2 days later. We, we moved around a lot in my family. I don't I don't know why. Just no real good reason, I I think. You know?

But, when I was a kid, I was born into a Mormon Mormon family. God was always really big. Nothing wrong with that. God was always really big in my in my family, you know, when I was a kid. You know, it was it's always what's God's will.

You know, we had I I went to this class in church. It's called CTR, choose the right, and, you know, all this stuff. And but, you know, I I remember when when I was trying to do God's will and not mine, I was happy. I was happy and I and I felt secure. I felt safe.

You know? I didn't feel like anything in the world could hurt me. And, you know, I yeah. I I felt different in school. You know, I I go to school and be standing in the lunch line and Jimmy would be talking about I'm a Lutheran and, you know, Tony would say, well, I'm a Catholic, you know.

What are you, Steve? I'm a Mormon. And they'd you know, and I always, you know, I always thought that was that's why I feel different. You know? And and they'd they'd kinda be like, well, well, my dad says Mormons blah blah blah.

And, you know, and, and so I tried, you know, I tried really hard not to let anybody know about about that. But, anyways, I'll skip ahead a little bit. I guess, when I when I was 9, we were living in a living in a town, Cass Lake. It's Leech Lake Indian Reservation in Baiduemidji, and, my parents got divorced. I was about 9 or 10 years old.

And, up until up until then, you know, there were structure, foundation, you know, consistency, you know, all all that stuff, you know, and that when they got divorced, you know, it it all just fell. You know, my my dad was out and my mom was at the casino all the time. We lived, like, a mile away, and so she was there. You know? I was that was her job.

And, so she was always there and stuff, and, I got to do whatever I wanted to do. You know. And and I started I started hanging out with Bemidji for weeks at a time, you know, in the summer with my cousins. And, it became very important to me then that, that, you know, what what they thought what they thought of me. You know, I remember the first time I ever hung out with my cousin.

He, you know, I smoke and, well, I smoke too. You know? He's like, well, go next door and get a pack of cigarettes. So I, you know, went went next door. Little gas station, Bills gas station, kept pack of cigarettes, and, you know, had my first cigarette.

And, you know, that's just because I need to be accepted. You know, and and it and it became very important to me that, you know, I started caring what everybody else thought of me. You know, god started to get further and further away. See, around that time, you know, I started stealing, I started smoking, I started doing all these things that when I was a kid, you know, that that I was told not to do. And I liked it.

You know, I liked it. I had my first drink when I was 10. Me and my cousin went to this grocery store in Bemidji, busted open a 12 pack, shoved it in our pockets, and walked out, and, you know, continued until a 12 pack was gone. And they lived in these, slum apartments. Their dad is a slumlord.

We, we slept in this we slept in this camper. Right? Just, you know, just a little 4 by 8 camper with a couple of bunks in it. And, we always slept in there. And there were these there were these kids there, you know, we had tons of cigarettes because we sold cigarettes every day.

You know? And, so we had, you know, cartons upon cartons of cigarettes. And after the beer ran out, you know, I didn't I didn't really drink any of it. I had I had one sip. I hated it.

You know, but I made them think that I was still drinking it. So they weren't looking. I poured out. You know? And, oh, boy.

Oh, I feel goofy. You know? Just started acting like a boob just so, you know, so they would think that I would you know, that I'm the man. And, so we traded we traded these kids' cigarettes for, for their parents' beer and stuff. And, you I really didn't get anything out of out of drinking.

I was like, I'm not I'm not gonna do this. You know, man, this is gross. And so, eventually, we moved again. Moved to this town called Audubon, and, you know, things were going okay. You know, thing things were alright.

Yeah. I hear you, man. But, we lived in we lived in the trailer court in Audubon, and and things were going alright. You know, as school was, you know, okay. I guess I should, you know, mention, like, a I don't go back a little ways just just to kind of explain how I am.

When I was in a when I was in 4th grade, this is before my parents got divorced and and, you know, everything, and and god was still kinda big. My life, I I was in a it's in the gifted program, you know, academically, whatever in school. And, there's not a lot of respect there. You know? So so my parents got divorced, and I, you know, I started being mean and swearing at teachers and stuff.

And and then they asked me to be in anger management class, and I was like, yeah. Alright. You know? Because people were scared of those kids. I was like, yeah.

I'm in. You know? There, baby. And, you know, that's that's just the way that's the way I think, you know, and then I quit. You know, I could've done both, but I was like, no, man.

I'm just gonna I'm just gonna be bad dude from here on out. And, so I kinda did that. In Audubon, you know, let's get back to Audubon. You know, my school is starting to, you know, become less important and stuff. And I didn't really, you know, drink, you know, up up until this point, but I just, you know, I needed attention.

Bad. You know? And I'll be sitting in class and me and the South Lake would throw pencils at each other and just pretend like there were grenades and stuff and get kicked out of class. And I always had to go talk to the principal. And I started getting suspended a lot and and around, you know, around around this time is is when I started drinking a little bit.

You know, I started, you know, just wherever I was, you know, and I I kinda thought as a social drinker. You know, I could I could drink a pint and, you know, I'd be fine. You know, I wouldn't really feel nothing. You know? And, you know, I I remember the first time I caught a buzz, though, is I was drinking with a couple of my sisters, and I was drinking Bacardi.

They were drinking Bacardi Limon, and she gave me a couple of drinks, and I and I slammed them, and and I felt something, you know, and I felt good. And I I was I I just felt free. You know? I felt okay, and, she took the bottle away from me. And so she went to the bathroom.

I found it, and I slammed it. And, you know, continue to get kinda drunk and I licked an ashtray and threw up. And that that was, you know, that was it, you know. I loved it. And I I kinda stored away for future reference.

We moved again to this town called Bijou after that. No. That's 1 Yeah. There it is. When when I lived in Bijou okay.

Now my cousins the same cousins that I always hung out with in Bemidji were were living there at this time too with their mom. And, I remember this is, you know, kinda stupid, but I they they told me, okay. Don't talk to anybody. Just keep your mouth shut. Right?

So I was like, okay. You know? Whatever. You know, I wanted to make friends and stuff. They moved away like a monthly, and I still did it.

You know? I I didn't talk to anybody. I hung out in my room, and I and I smoked a lot of weed. And this is where it kinda got bad. My grandma just died.

2 days 2 days after my 14th birthday, my grandma died. My mom moved us up to Bijou, and I I I just became very lonely and isolated, depressed, and very suicidal. I started starting writing started to write poetry and Yeah. You know, and I remember the first couple of things I ever wrote was all about suicide, you know. All about suicide and just really lonely depressing things.

And, Yeah, baby. Yeah. What did you say? Okay. And she just said everything I wanted to say.

Well, but, you know, it just life life had just, you know, started getting kinda bad. And I, you know, I I was a I was a really fat kid, you know, and, people tease me and stuff. And around around the time I was living in Audubon, slimmed down, you know, and I and I had had girlfriends and stuff, and I was kinda popular, and, you know, I was funny and stuff. And I moved to Bijou and I stopped, you know, being all these things. I started smoking weed, getting munchies, and getting fat, and, you know, I got very insecure.

You know, I I just I couldn't talk to people. And so when I went to school, you know, I wore all black, had, you know, relatively long hair at the time, you know, little homemade tattoo and stuff, and, you know, and I I wanna be mean. You know, I don't want these people to talk to me because, you know, not not because, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna hurt them. You know? That's what I try to portray, but, you know, it's because they're gonna hurt me.

And, you know, and and I just can't do it. You know? And, so I I I, you know, I acted really mean. I didn't talk to anybody. Never you know?

I'd gotten in a lot of trouble. You know, teachers would say stuff, and I would say stuff, and they would ask me to leave, and I would throw a garbage can. And, you know, I always I always had to do something big. And, after after that, my my mom and dad had been getting together, you know, getting together and breaking up, getting together and breaking up for, you know, up until, you know, just kinda relatively recently. But my my dad was living with us at the time, and, he moved out.

And I moved with him. I said, there's my chance, you know. It's it's Bijou. Bijou is my problem. Yeah.

Gotta get out of Bijou. And so, I got out of Bijou, and, I went went back to Audubon in a different trailer. And, and I got together with people I was with before, and they were drinking, and they were having fun. You know, I started doing that too. I, you know, started drinking as much as I could.

You know, at at this time, you know, it I think alcohol saved my life, you know, because I was ready to kill myself. You know? I I I really was. You know? I just I hadn't had enough of life and stuff, and I, you know, started drinking and things things were good when I was drinking.

You know, things were alright. You know, I felt okay, and I could I could talk to girls and, you know, I was, you know, more than the guys that were around me and stuff and, you know, I was just I was the man when I was drinking. I was funny and I was charismatic and, you know, I could spell out poetry like it was nothing, you know. I always had this line, you know, I walk up to drills and tell them, the essence of beatific structure, and I just thought that was profound. Right?

And they loved it, you know. And and I could I could just there, you know. I could I could just I could come up with this stuff when I was drinking. You know? Like, it's just like it was nothing.

You know? And, and so, you know, it it made me feel good, and that's why I did it. School, you know, on the other day, I man, I don't I don't need school. I remember, I I had this letter at home. Okay, Patrick.

I just I just had this letter at home about, we had this karaoke dance at school, and I was completely sober for that for that day. And, we had this croquette dance, and, I'm a I'm a big Doors fan. And, and I sang people are strange by the Doors. Right? And and I, like I said before, I need a lot of attention.

I need all eyes on me. So I borrowed everybody's necklace that was there. So I had this huge chain of chain of necklaces, and I got up, and I and I started jumping around and screaming and stuff because I was bored. And so I started doing this, and I threw a chair. And and there's this letter though at at home that, you know, Patrick told me to mention this.

It's not always been doing it. But, this letter, Steve's behavior, included but was not limited to attempting to sing while spinning in circles. Let's see. Wrapping the microphone around himself, refusing to surrender the microphone, unfastening his pants, Making making several rude and sexual comments to a female staff member and spitting a mouthful of water in her face. And and that's kinda, you know, how I that's just kinda how I get, you know.

I I really want a lot of attention. And the way I looked at it, man, is like, man, I'm Jim Morrison. Yeah. I am Jim Morrison. And I really thought I was too.

Seriously. Like, I remember sitting with my sister one time in the bathroom, and we just we just gotten, you know, just woah. You know? And she doesn't remember this, so I asked her about it. But I'm holding on to the counter like this, and I'm looking in the mirror.

You know? I looked at her and I said, I am J Morrison. And she for a long time, I went through I went through this phase where I thought I was Jim Morrison. I'm almost out of it. I'm getting getting there.

Why not? Because Jim Morrison had it. You know, he he had it. You know, he he was smart and and he was crazy and stuff, and that's that's what I wanted. And, anyways, so, I don't know why I'm talking about that.

But, I I started drinking a lot, and and throughout through the throughout my whole drinking career, I've always, you know, what you know, it it it's not really about alcohol for me, you know, per, you know, per se. Well, I I I drink one drink and I get really drunk. Yeah. But, whatever you got. You know, I'll I'll take whatever you got.

You know, you got pills, you know, give me something. I was big on pills. You know, I like pills and, you know, just anything anything that's around, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna put it in me because I don't like me. You know? I don't like to be me.

I don't feel comfortable being me. And when I'm taking this stuff, I don't have to be me. You know? I can I can be whoever I you know, I can be, you know, just like Jim Morrison or just like, you know, Tom Cruise or whoever? You know?

I can I can be anybody else I wanna be? And, you know, up in up until a point, you know, I could it was it was great. You know? But it it started becoming I I got, you know, expelled from school. Yeah.

I I went to another school, got expelled from there, dropped out of another school, and, you know, didn't have nothing to do all day, you know. So I just kinda hung out, didn't get a job, and I was, you know, just very, you know, not very productive. You know, you might say, you know, I didn't sleep until 4 o'clock. And, at the age of 17, you know, I was I was drinking every day. I wasn't going to school.

You know, I'd wake up, and, you know, I'd have to get my fix. And, so I'd I'd, you know, my dad was there, you know, or or the day before, so I might try to get $10, you know, because I only need $10 to get drunk for one day. You know? Get get me a liter of black velvet and a pack of USA gold, and I'm good to go. And, I'd you know?

Because for for me, you know, at at at this point, I, you know, the friends that that I were that I was talking about earlier were gone. You know, I I didn't feel like I could connect with anybody. You know, I I was just I felt very alone, you know, and, just, you know, very not comfortable. Like, every every waking second, you know, that I every sober second that I that I spent was like a huge panic attack. You know, I'd wake up and boom, there's all this pressure.

You know, and and I just I felt it, you know, and and my head was spinning and I couldn't take that, you know. So, you know, I had to get something in me. And after a while, you know, just just getting drunk wasn't cutting it. And, so, you know, I'm blackout. You know, it's the only way I can I could do it?

And so when I was 17 years old, you know, I blacked out every day and used to sleep. You know, my my dad would kick me out or I just wouldn't wanna go home or, you know, I'd I'd sleep down the streets and stuff and I'd slept in, like, this, this 6 foot long, I don't know, 5 feet deep hole by the school, which Mike later informed me was my grave. And, you know, and, you know, that that's where I was. You know, pee all over in it and garbage and just nasty, you know, but it was out of the wind. And, you know, it you know, that's kinda, you know, that's where my life had went.

I remember when I'd I'd when I was wasn't drinking or even when I was, I'd be thinking to myself, how did, you know, how did I get here? You know, when I was a kid, you know, every everything you know, the future looks great. Everything looked good. Every you know, everything was good. You know, everything was how did I get here?

You know, I because you just scary. You know, I was scared, and, I don't wanna be this way. You know? And and, you know, alcohol wasn't cutting it and and so well, I figured, you know, well, you know, there's this there's this girl and, you know, maybe maybe she can fix me. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. Because alcohol ain't doing it. The pills ain't doing it. You know?

Weed? Sure. No, man. That that's not good anymore either. You know?

And and so, you know so I I hooked up with this girl and continued to drink the way I was drinking. Her dad was an alcoholic. His name was Steve. She, he left her when when she was, like, 6 years old or something. She used to tell me all the time that I was an alcoholic.

Yeah. So, you know, I I know this. You know? I know and, so I I, you know, I expected her to fix me and and and, you you know, the relationship was all about me. You know, me me me me me.

And, you know, it was always how I'm feeling and and what she could do for me and and, you know, all this is just selfish, you know, and manipulating and and and all this stuff. And, eventually, you know, it it stopped working, you know, because she only had one thing I wanted. And, you know, and it it it stopped working. You know? Like, every everything everything that made me feel better stopped working.

You know? And and so I'm working at this job. I'm working graveyard shift at stop and go in DL, and I'm figuring out, you know, I saw I saw the doors, you know, and Jim Morrison goes to the desert. He, you know, has a take some peyote and has a vision quest, you know, and whatever. So I should probably go to the badlands, you know, find find god, find find me and and it you know, I was totally unprepared.

You know, this is alcoholic decision making. I called called in about an hour before I had to go to work. I can't I'm not gonna be able to make it in, ever. I'm going to South Dakota, you know, or, you know, and I'm I'm gonna be gone for a long time. And, so I, you know, got a bus ticket to, Sioux Falls, you know, not knowing that the Badlands were on the other side of South Dakota.

I didn't I didn't know that it would there was, like, mountains and and ravines, and I thought it was, you know, desert. And so I wore sandals. I'm hitchhiking across South Dakota just man, it's boring. And, I'm going across and stuff, and I and then I packed up a bunch of bunch of books, and then that was it. You know?

Packed a bunch of books and sandals. And I went there, and I crawled over these mountains and stuff. You know? And I got lost for 3 days, and that was the scariest thing I've ever been through. You know?

I just, you know, the whole time I was freaking out. And, you know, this isn't how it's supposed to be. And, anyways, I, you know, I planned on I planned on planned on drinking water and eating lizards. Not south there. Didn't bring no food or water.

Nothing, you know, because, you know, live off the land, you know, get back in touch with nature, and that's whatever. And, but but I thought that I learned a lesson. I thought, you know, if I can learn to appreciate everything, you know, everything, good or bad, you know, I'm good you know, because when I got back into town, you know, I was I was appreciating being alive then. You know? When I found my way back to the road, I really appreciated that.

And I got back into town, and I called I called my girlfriend. I was like, I love you so much. I learned so much. And she was like, I gotta go. Click.

You know? I didn't appreciate it. You know, I didn't appreciate that too much. And, I called everybody I knew, finding out where she was, who she was with, what she was doing, you know, so on and so forth. And I found out she was seeing my dealer, and, I appreciate that very much.

I got back in a DL. It's the 4th July. I'm hurting on the inside. Oh, I'm gonna get drunk, you know, for a long time. And I'm not gonna remember anything because I got feelings and I need to drown them.

And, I'm in town for an hour, and I walk up to the gas station and back with my sister and grab the barbecue and stuff and cop goes driving by us, stops, backs up. I just knew him. Well, mister Wells, we got a warrant for your arrest. Yeah. Of course.

You know, I I didn't appreciate that. It's just like, you know, 4th July and here I am, you know, looking out my little tiny window and watching people walking down the street and having fun and I, you know. And, you know, after that, you know, I just screw it, threw everything. And I just went totally, you know, on a on a mad binge for a long time. And I sobered up.

Sobered about 9 months later, something like that, in October. That's not 9 months. Whatever. I sobered up in October and went to treatment and did that, and I love treatment. It was good.

You know, I didn't wanna leave. I was safe again, and I hadn't felt that in a long time. I'd, you know, I'd I'd try to reconnect with God, and I hadn't felt that in a long time either. And I'd sobered up and, you know, I'd soon they kicked me out of treatment, you know well, they didn't kick me out this time. But soon as they, soon as I got out of treatment, you know, and I had to experience the real world again, you know, I felt a lot of fear and and stuff.

And I came to this group, and I saw it. I saw these people here, and they're all up, and they were smiling. And I hated every single one of you, especially, you know, Calvin. Oh, man. I hated him.

He shushed me one time. And so I was, you know, I I don't you guys probably didn't know it, but I I was at you know, every time I came here, I was at war. You know? It was battle time and, you know, I'd come here and stuff, and I hated all of you. And and and I I wasn't doing anything in sobriety.

I was very unhappy in sobriety. I'm miserable. You know? And and, you know, came to a point, you know, about 8 months later, I'd I'd went to jail. I'd in sobriety, you know, I I was hanging out with people that were getting high and drunk all the time.

You know, when I was the guy who was doing this, the guy who's doing this, and, you know, and just horrible. You know? And, you know, and I I wanna drink so bad, you know. I'm not gonna do it. I'm just not gonna do it, you know, and I'm very miserable.

And, you know, I wanted to die. You know? I I I don't think I felt that much pain when I was drinking. You know? I just way too much pain.

I didn't have anything to take it away. And I wasn't working a program. I was I was coming to meetings once in a while, and that was it. And, I wasn't working the sponsor. I wasn't doing any of this stuff.

And I was gonna kill myself. You know, I'd I'd I was sleeping on one of my sister's couches, and I didn't grab my stuff, go stand in front of a train. You know? That was it. I was just gonna end it.

And, my big book was laying on the table, and I, you know, I wanted to grab all my stuff. So she thought that I was just leaving somewhere, you know, because I don't want anybody to find out for a little while at least. And, and I don't I just opened it up and I saw a vision for you. And I was like, well, what do they have to offer? And, the very first two pages, 151 and 152, explained where I was exactly.

You know? Coming in, you know, as ex problem drinker comes in and and, you know, tells everybody that that he he's feeling better, he's he's working better, life's everything's going better. But on the inside, he'd give anything for a half dozen drinks. You know? And, and that was me.

You know? And I told my family this all the time, you know, that that that everything is great, you know, and I love being sober. And on the inside, it's dying. And, it later goes on to say he's like a boy whistling in the dark. Keep up his own spirit.

So we eventually try the old game again. And and, you know, thank god I didn't have to do that, but it it it just really kicked me in the butt. You know? And it said, you know, he will know miserableness such as few people do. He will be at the jumping off point.

He'll wish for the end. And that's where I was. You know? That's I was right there and I was gonna die. You know, I plan on dying that night.

And I read that and I, you know, obviously, I didn't I didn't do it. I called up this guy and, asked him to sponsor me, you know, and asked him to bring me to meetings. And I started I started doing the deal and, you know, and I didn't necessarily believe in it, but anything had to be better from than what I was doing. So I couldn't drink, so I knew that sucks. I couldn't stay sober because I knew that sucked.

You know? And, but I I started, you know, even though I hated all of you, I started shaking your hands, and I started, you know, asking how you're doing and stuff. And I've come to love every single person in this room. You know? Everyone in this room.

You know? The kids are my family. And, what I have today, you know, my sister, Sherry. Alright. Where is this shit?

When we were drinking, I, you know, I I really I I really didn't feel much, you know, and and, I tried not to and and they would do when we were kids, we had this bond. You know, we I I could look at her and knew what she was thinking, and we just had this bond, you know, and and and I loved it. And when we were drinking, it was gone. You know, it was gone. She was just somebody that I knew and, and sobering up.

You know, I've I've I've got that back with her and, you know, oh, man. And, you know, she she told me today that she got accepted into college and and, you know, that's huge, you know. Because I remember I remember when she was out there, man. That wasn't, you know, that wasn't pretty. And and she's, you know, she's such a lady, you know.

And and, you know, stop that. But, you know, and through her, you know, like, there's been a couple of times because I get I get bad cases, you know, screw it. And, you know, I'll I'll I'll look at I'll look at her and and and, you know, she's just such an example of what this can do for somebody, and and and I'll stay around, you know, just for that one more day. Anyways, how much time do I have? Okay.

But yeah. When when I got when I started getting active and when I started when I when I got a sponsor, got a home group, started to go on a meeting, started going through the book with my sponsor, doing this stuff, you know, just just doing this stuff, you know, it things started to get better. You know, things just, you know, started to get a little better. I moved in with some alcoholics. Howie and Tony had you know, my my sponsor told me to move into move in with some alcoholics.

So with my best thing, can I take howie in? Of all people. That's my best thinking. I'm just just kidding. I'm just kidding.

But, and and, you know, I've learned a lot of things, you know, just by living with alcoholics and and hanging out with you guys and and, you know, doing what you guys do. And I I don't believe that I'd be standing here, you know, because I'm very suicidal by nature. And, you know, I don't think I'd be standing here if I wouldn't get to know you guys. If I don't think I'd be standing here if I, you know, didn't try to do the things that I see people ahead of me doing. You know?

Trying to work with new guys and and trying to, bring it into somebody else's life and, you know, just doing the things that you guys do. Save save my life, you know, and, I'm very grateful for that. And I wanna thank Mike for asking me to speak. And with that, I'll sit down.