The Northern Plains Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Fargo, ND

Good evening, everybody. My name is Kelvin Daniels, an alcoholic. Hi, Kelvin. So we're dated with the grace of God, the miracle of alcoholics anonymous having drinks October 10, 1996. Man, you guys look good tonight.

It's a good deal. I always get kinda just, you know, when I get here on Tuesday night. It's just one of those deals. Right? When when Tuesday hits, it's just like you get excited.

And the reason why I get excited is because I get to join and see the miracles of Alcoholics Anonymous happen around me among my fellows. And I get to see the people and see their lives just transform in front of me. I get to see people that come in that have absolutely nothing, have no have no love in their hearts, have no family, have no nothing when they get here, and then they turn around and they just get just get so much from alcoholics anonymous. I mean, we have 4 birthdays tonight, people's families are here and and everything else, and I see that kind of stuff and it just just gets me charged, you know. I just get excited to see that kind of stuff going on and and if you can't tell, I'm a little jazzed up tonight.

I'm ready to rock, so this is gonna be a good deal. That means I'm probably gonna totally flop. You know? Chad comes up to me and goes, say something nice about Bolte. So something nice about Bolte.

I don't know where he went. There he is. Anyway, no. Chad's one of my very good friends in alcoholics anonymous, and, and we share a special relationship. And it's, one of those things that you know, not that kind of special relationship.

He is kinda cute. But, you know, I remember growing up, and I remember being around, and I was always one of those people, and and you hear people talk about it from the podium now and then, but I've always been one of those people that constantly, constantly compares my insides to other people's outsides. I've always done that my entire life. I will sit there and see people and they look good because most most of us in here most of us in here almost everybody in I'm gonna say everybody in here because I don't want anybody's feelings. Everybody in here looks good on the outside for the most part.

And, and when and you don't just see people's, you know, insecurities sitting on their shoulder all the time, you know. Because if you did, I mean, it would just be horrible. Because I mean, you come up to me some days, I mean, if I if I wore what I actually felt some days, I'd be sitting there with a noose around my neck and and a sniper rifle sitting on top of a tower somewhere. It's like, nobody say anything to me today, you know. Because there's days I just get angry and and just kinda mad at people and and and Bruce.

Hi, Bruce. Bruce is waving at me. Everybody Hi, Bruce. Hi, Bruce. Bruce is going to the, to to to the Special Olympics this weekend and and stuff like that.

He's going out there to do that deal and it's one of those things where he's come in and he's got a chance to to really go forth and and fulfill some of his dreams and do that kind of stuff. And I think it's great and, and I'm really excited to see what you're gonna do this weekend. Bring on the gold, baby. We're all pulling for you. But, but I always sat there and always compared my insides to the people's outsides.

No matter what, I've always done that. And I've always been one of those per one of those people that have been like, if I had a, you know, if I had his car, if I had his girl, if I had their money, if I had this, if I had that, if I had this, if I had that. The problem is is that if you sit there and constantly do that like I do, you never feel complete. And that's why when I walked around, I walked around with a huge hole in my gut my entire life. It always seemed that people weren't looking at me.

It seemed that they looked right through me. And and and you just can't shake that feeling. When you get that feeling, you can't shake that feeling. And the thing is is that I didn't know what to do because I always just sat there and felt empty and hollow and shallow inside. I was the kind of person that I would sit there and just just dream of being someone else.

Just dream of things you saw on TV and things people that you saw that were exciting, you know. I mean, I remember and I'm a big scar big Al Pacino fan, huge Al Pacino fan. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And the whole thing is, I remember when I was a kid and, Scarface was on, you know.

My dad had got Scarface and I'm sitting there and I was just like, oh, I wanna be Tony Montana, you know. I want it when I I'm I'm 6 5 years old and I I wanna be a drug lord, you know. I wanna have like cars and women and and drugs and sell it to my little friend. You know? I wanna blow people up, man.

That's what I wanna do. I mean, that's exciting to me. You know? And if you don't think that way, then you ain't like me. But if you do think that way, welcome, baby.

Welcome. Because that's the way I get. I I I just see stuff like that and I get excited because I wanna be in that world. I wanna live in that reality. That's what I want because I'm not comfortable being me.

I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel comfortable just being around people because the thing is is that my mind tells me that you're judging me. My mind tells me that, you know what? My clothes aren't good enough. Or you know what?

I'm too heavy. Or you know what? I'm just bald, you know. And I'm going bald, You know? And the thing is, I can't look at Brandon because, you know, if I look over there, the glare would just kinda, like, hit me.

You know? Because he's got the spots coming up here too and everything. You know? And for anybody that's going bald out there, welcome to the club. You just gotta let it go, baby.

Just let it go because it's just it's nature, and it's gonna happen. And bald is beautiful, And I'm beautiful. So Whoo. Whoo. Whoo.

Whoo. Whoo. And I believe that. But the thing is, I never felt like that before. You know?

If if somebody would have said came up to me and and and when I was a kid, you never would have thought I was gonna be bald. You never would have thought I was gonna be bald because I had a fro. And I'm talking I had a huge fro. I'm talking like, you know, Naked Gun when he's stepping sideways through the door. You know?

And the whole thing is is that Michael Jackson was big, so I took my fro and I gelled it, and I pulled that thing down the middle of my head. Oh, yeah, baby. I had it going. And the jacket with all the zippers that didn't go anywhere that was patent leather, I had that. And then the thing is is that I saw Michael Jackson.

Like, Michael Jackson's cool. Michael Jackson is the coolest thing on the planet. I mean, he's and to do all that stuff, you know. I mean, I mean, that if anybody that can go and make women just go, that's the coolest guy in the planet as far as I'm concerned, you know. I mean, he sounds like a good freak up there, you know, but people are just like, he's the man.

And I'm like, I wanna be like Michael, so I got got myself a white glove. I got myself a white glove, and I was like, if Michael's got a white glove, Michael's cool. So I wore a white glove, and I got almost beat up. You know? And I say almost beat up because I wasn't gonna let anybody beat me up.

But, I just sat there and I just just didn't feel right, because the thing is, it seemed that no matter what I tried to do, I would change the way I looked on the outside to make myself feel better on the inside. And I would do that in order to just just feel okay for a little while. I'm gonna feel okay just for a little while. And the thing is is that if I feel okay for a little while, then as soon as somebody doesn't give me that recognition that I think I think I deserve, I will turn around and it crushes somebody like me. I am I am one of those people.

I'm a feeler by nature. I automatically will feel your look at me, you know. And normal people don't relate to that. Normal people don't relate to that. They're just like, well, Jim might be having a bad day.

That's why he has that scornful look on my face, on his face, you know. I see Jim and I'm like, Jim doesn't like me. Jim hates me. Jim don't even know me, you know. But I feel that way about Jim, you know.

And that's that's just the way I am. That's the way I am. And if you're like that as a kid, you will always try to find something to just fill that hole. And I tried sports to fill the hole and and it and and everything else like that. And I did pretty well in sports going up and everything, so when I was doing well in sports, it seems like I had a few friends, and I got a few accolades, and I was in the paper for this or whatever for that.

And I just felt pretty good when that was happening. But the problem is is that you can't always be doing something. You know? So you just the rest of that time, I just felt trying like I was playing catch up, playing catch up, playing catch up all the time. And I just remember always feeling empty.

And what I did, I got a chance to do when I was about 12 years old was get a drink of alcohol. And that changes something for somebody like me. When I drink, drinking to me is just I'm not gonna bad mouth drinking. I think drinking it when when I was drinking, drinking was great. You know?

I mean, I'm not gonna sit here, alcohol destroys people. You know? I'm not gonna sit up here and try to speak about something like that. I thought alcohol was the greatest thing on the planet. I thought alcohol was the greatest thing since sliced bread, man.

I mean, you give me some alcohol, it's time to go. It's party time because I feel good. It takes that hole, it's gaping in my gut and it slams it shut, and I feel whole and I feel complete, and I feel like I can look you in the eye and I don't care what I'm wearing. I don't care what you're wearing. All I care about is that right now, I feel equal.

No. I don't feel equal. I feel better than you most of the time. So I sit up there and I just alcohol just feels somebody like me, and my shoulders kick back a little bit, and my waistline sucks up a little bit, and all of a sudden, I look like Vin Diesel, baby. You know?

And I'm popping. And I'm I just I didn't have any muscles when I was a kid, boy. But I was flexing in the mirror. I was you know, I do that because I felt great when I drink. The only problem is is that I can't drink all the time.

I can't do that all the time. So when I'm not drinking, I feel less than than I ever had before, and I would constantly try to chase that first buzz, constantly try to chase that first feeling that I had. And I'll go through that continually until until what happens. I don't know what happens. It seems that I feel pretty good when I get about 5 or 6 drinks in me.

I'm like, yeah, just kind of relax a little bit. The thing is, what happens in my mind, when I have 5 or 6, I feel good. What's 10 or 12 gonna do? That's gonna make me feel twice as good as I do now. What's a case gonna do, baby?

Let's find out. It's time to go, you know. And I don't There's normal people here tonight, so I gotta say this. Have you ever watched a normal person drink? Normal people do this.

They get their little mix, they get their little drink, they pour the little mix, the little drink into the little mix, and it's like they portion it out. You know, it's just like, oh, wait. I have a little bit too much there. I'm gonna put the rest of this little bottle over here because I don't want to put too much in there. And they stir it this way, and they stir it back that way and it's driving me nuts.

I'm like, drink it. Drink now. You know? What are you doing? You're not making love to the thing?

Drink it. You know? For the taste? If you're take you're drinking Jack Daniels for the taste, man. You're in the wrong place.

You know? I don't drink tequila for the taste. I drink tequila so I can feel like Superman. You know? That's I don't understand people like that.

I've got a sister-in-law of mine that is normal. My wife norm well, you would say she's normal by her behavior. She's married to me, so she gotta be a woo, a little bit, but, you know, and her family's normal. And I just remember sitting there and we're out at the lake here, a year or 2 ago or whatever, and and and I count drinks too now. You know, if you're sitting there, you're at a employee party and just like, that guy's had 4 drinks.

You know? He's either gonna make a fool out of himself or people gonna start thinking he's the man. What's gonna happen? You know? I start I start I start analyzing people's drinks, so my sister-in-law had 3 3 beers.

Well, she had the 3rd beer, walks into her apartment, and comes back out with a glass of water. And I'm like, didn't you just have a beer? She goes, yeah. I had to dump the rest out. It was getting a little warm and and it's hot out.

It was like 95 that day, you know, and it's hot out here. And I'm starting to get kinda light headed. And I'm like, the magic's getting ready to happen. Drink. Go.

You know? What are you doing? You 6, 10 more. You're not gonna feel the heat. Matter of fact, it's gonna be great outside.

You don't you drink till you pass out. Go. And I say that, and they and the whole family looks at me like, what is wrong with you? You know? What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? You know? They got my father-in-law will take a little half a little thing of brandy and just sit there and nurse it. What is what's the deal with that?

Ice and drinks? Who who puts ice and drinks? You know? That gets in the way. You know?

You can't slam it with ice there. He'll chip a tooth. You know? I've never seen any John Wayne didn't have ice in his shot glass. You know what he's done, you know?

You put some ice in there, wham, and you break your tooth up, you're sitting here like, I'm John Wayne, you know? You know? You you tough people don't put ice in drinks, you know? And you can always tell who the Al Anon's or the normal people are at a party. I take the cap off a bottle, it hits the floor.

People like that are, like, hold on. Let me get that for him. Like, don't eat it. Bottle's gone. You know?

It's time to roll. You know? And the thing is alcohol was beautiful to me. Alcohol is beautiful to somebody like me. When a bartender would crack the top off a beer and slide it across the counter and the sweats coming down it, I started getting choked up.

That might as well be a Van Gogh. You know, it's beautiful. You know, you just wanna, like, hold it. You know, it's just it's beautiful. Alcohol was beautiful to me because I knew what it was gonna do.

It was gonna complete me. It was gonna make me feel whole inside. And pretty soon, I wasn't gonna have to feel the way I was feeling before. Pretty soon, I knew it's go time, and I know that I'm gonna be okay as As soon as I took the cracked the top of a beer, before it even hit my lips, it was like, I'd feel okay because I know what's gonna happen. I know when I put alcohol in my body, things are just gonna calm down.

I know when I put alcohol in my body, stuff's just gonna go and everything's gonna be okay. I know that. I know that. The problem is is that everybody else around me is going, don't you think you drink a little bit too much? You know?

You didn't have to hit that person. You didn't have to say those things to that person. You didn't have to do this. You didn't have to do that. Why are you doing this?

Why are you doing that? Meh meh meh meh meh. You know, they're just they're on you and it's just like, don't you understand? You know, if it made you feel the way I feel, why? Why wouldn't you do it too?

I tended to hang out with people that drank like I drink. I drink with Simmons, man. Pounders, baby. Let's roll, you know. I'm all about that.

I'm all about that. I drink with people who drink like me. And I couldn't understand people be like, yeah. We're gonna go get some beer and maybe some boons and, maybe some wine coolers. You know?

I'm like, let's get a keg. You know? Let's get a keg. Let's get a bottle of Jack. Let's get some black velvet.

It's so cold. Let's roll. You know? They're like, you want all that? Yeah.

What are you gonna drink? You know? Because I'm not the guy who runs out. When I start getting low, I start stealing. You know?

That's that's what happens with me. The only problem is is that eventually, I have to start paying consequences for my drinking. Eventually, I all these people that are around me all the time start kinda getting to me a little bit. Eventually, I start sitting there wondering why these other people drink and they don't seem to have a problem. They drink people aren't hounding them.

They drink they don't seem to have all the issues that I get to have. So what's the deal? Well, apparently, the world's against me and I developed the conspiracy theory and I start saying, well, I'm getting pulled over because they know my car and I do this and I do that and I do that. And it's it's just a never ending cycle for somebody like me. And I keep rolling and rolling and rolling, and I don't understand exactly what the deal is.

I don't understand why you have to persecute me, you know. And I I play the victim well. I play the victim very well. I will be the victim no matter what to people because I can justify bad behavior. The two main parts of my disease that just seems that seems to me to just cause the most havoc in my life and that I hear people talk about all the time is I have the phenomenon of craving and the mental obsession of the mind.

Those are the two main things that I run into all the time. The phenomenon of craving happens to me when I take a drink. When I take a drink, my body says, get some more of that, Jack. Get it now. Let's roll.

You know? Mental obsession of mind sits there. It's that monkey on my shoulder sitting there going, you've been sober for a little while. It's okay to have a drink. You've been you're okay.

You know, you just lost control last time. Just drink just don't drink any whiskey tonight. Just just have some beer, you know. No. No.

No. The last time you drink MGD, you got crazy. Try Bud Light this time, you know. I will it will I can justify things. It's that little monkey that sits on my shoulder and just sits there and just chatters in my ear nonstop, nonstop.

It's just sitting there telling me it's okay. I can justify bad behavior with my mental obsession of the mind. I can justify you know what? I know if I drink tonight, I might go to jail. I know that if I get in one more trouble, I'm gonna go to prison.

I know that if I do this one more time, mental obsession of the mind tells me, do it. You're not gonna get caught. That's what mental obsession of the mind tells me. Mental obsession of the mind tells me when I see a schmearnoff ice video, commercial and I'm like, schmearnoff ice looks kinda good. Where did that come from?

Shut up. You know, and you you don't know what's going on and you're just like, where did that come from? You know? 7 years sober. Smitten off ice is sweet.

No. It's not. Yes. No. It's not.

Shut up. You know, and you're back and forth. That's what happens in my mind because it's always going to be present. And the only time I have the defense against that is through constant action alcoholics anonymous. So what happens is is that I lost everything.

I lost everything. I had I had scholarship offers across the United States, various different states, everything else for for football and wrestling and whatever else have you, and I lost I lost everything. I didn't have anything when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. My first meeting was on a Thursday.

I hadn't showered since Sunday. I hadn't had a haircut in 3 months. I hadn't shaved in better than 2 or 3 months. I had, like, this big nasty freaky kind of fro when I worked construction so I had concrete in it and stuff. And then and then and then, I got burned when I was a kid in the campfire in Cub Scouts.

Yes. Well, no. Not like bad burn because I'm still pretty, you know. I wasn't like something like this or anything like that. But I sat there and they were like, don't get too close to the fire when you light it.

And I'm like, you know, back flash. So I mean, hair doesn't grow in in every single spot on my face, you know. So I had this big patches coming out here. I basically look like a chia pet on crack, you know, all over the place. And, and so I walk into my first meeting and and I get there right at the end of the right at the end of the meeting and and I then I read at the big, when the meeting was getting ready to start and this last person walking on the door goes, hey.

Welcome. Good to see you here. I run downstairs and Kenny b talks. And Kenny gets up there and he starts telling a story. And what happens to me is this, a lot of people in AA get here because of treatment, get here because of family intervention, or anything else.

I went to an AA meeting, thought it was bunk because I didn't get any hope. I didn't get any kind of feeling of anything that was good there at all in any way shape or form when I went to that first meeting. So what do I do? I realized I can't drink with alcohol. I can't keep alcohol in my life.

I can't not drink alcohol. So what do I do? The only thing I think I can do, I grab my Spanish double barrel side by side shotgun. I'd used to hunt grouse's, grouse and pheasant since I was, like, 12 years old. I put a slug of double odd buck in each chamber, snapped it closed, tied a kite string around the trigger, put the barrel in my mouth, pulled the string.

String broke. That's only as why I'm standing here tonight. That's what happens to me. That's where I get because I can't control anything. So I so I'm sitting there and I'm like, well, I go to this AA meeting.

That didn't work. Tried to blow my head off. That doesn't work. What am I gonna do? My mom's going to see my mom getting her hair done by this guy, Rick and Minot.

Rick is sitting there and he's like, Shelly, there's this meeting, there's all these good guys there and everything else like that. He'll love it. And I'm like, that doesn't sound quite right. You know? So the rest of many of you got it through treatment, family intervention.

I got here in an alcohol synonymous through a gay hairdresser. That's all I got here. Ain't nothing wrong with that. I happen to know what window treatments are. For those of you who don't, get in touch with your feminine side.

So So what ends up happening is is, I go walking up to the door of this meeting and, and, you know, that I I'm sitting there and I hear Kenny talk. I relate with what he's saying. Thought another conspiracy theory, I run out of there. And I go to my friend's house to grab a beer, throw it down. Go over to grab a second beer, and I don't even think I finished it.

Because the only thing going through my head is this. Why can't you go hang with these people? They seem to be happy. Somebody shook their hand at night and said welcome. Nobody says welcome to you anymore.

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? You know? And I decided I was gonna get sober that night, and, my family had left to go to Winnipeg. And, I called in sick to work and, and I did.

I got sober that weekend. And with the DTs, I threw up blood. I, almost died in the floor of my bedroom. And, last thing I remember seeing is looking up and seeing this ugly yellow lamp I got at a secondhand store at the Boys Ranch store in Minot. And, looking up at this lamp, and I'm thinking, I don't wanna live.

I don't wanna live. Just don't let me wake up in the morning. And I woke up in the morning, I don't know whether to be pissed or be happy because I'm sitting here again. You know? What am I gonna do?

And I knew that if I left the house, I'd drink. I knew if I left the house, I'd drink. So I stayed there. My family gave me the only support they've ever given me up to this point in Alcoholics Anonymous in my life. That week, they took me to work.

They picked me up from work, and they because I knew if I stayed in the shop longer than 2 seconds, I'd be drinking with the guys. And I went to that next meeting on that Thursday. And I come walking up come walking up to the meeting. And there's this guy standing in the circle of people, then you'll see it outside here and people be standing outside and people are talking and laughing and everything else like that. This guy standing right in the middle of the circle of people and everybody seems to be gravitated towards this guy.

And he breaks out of the circle just seemed like the circle kinda just opened up like this, and he comes walking straight towards me. And he comes walking down the sidewalk right at me, and I'm thinking, man, I ran out of here last week. Nobody's gonna want me around. And he saved my life right there and there at that point in time because he walked up to me and he said, welcome. Good to see you here.

Then say, hey, man. No. It looks like you ran out last week. I probably would have punched him and ran, you know. I didn't I didn't know what to do because I I had 2 emotions, anger and fear.

That That was it. Either I'm afraid of you, so I get angry. If I'm afraid of you, I punch. I I fight. I say bad things.

I hurt people. I try to break people down so they feel as bad as I feel inside. That's what I do. That's the 2 emotions I came down call synonymous with. This guy walks up to me and he shakes my hand, takes me over there and then starts introducing me to people, starts saying and there's coming up, hi.

Good to see you here. Blah blah blah blah blah. This and this, that and that. I see a few people that I know from back in the day. I see Mike.

I see Gerard. I see Simmons. I see all these different people. It's Travis and some other guys from mine. And I see these people.

I'm like, hey. I drank with these guys. I know this guy. Mike tried to tell me he was his brother and and stuff like that and while he was dropping acid. And I was like, oh my god.

That that guy's a liar, you know, and everything else. I mean, Mike had long hair and skull necklaces and every word out of the mouth mouth was the f bomb, you know. And you guys look at Mike now, you're like, there's no way Mike can do that. I got pictures, you know. I got pictures.

Hippie boy. And, everything else. And and they they're talking and and they're they're making me feel welcome. And they take me out to coffee afterwards and they're sitting there, and I'm used to being rejected by women. That's that's no problem for me.

I mean, I've been slapped. I don't know how many times, you know, like, no. Okay. I understand. How do you really feel about it?

You know, it's it's it's how my response usually is. So I'm sitting there, and and everybody's talking about sponsorship. And this guy, Jeff, was sitting there. He's talking and and everything else, and I felt lovey and everything else. This is so great.

Hey. These beautiful people love you here and and everything else, and and I go up to this guy and I'm like kicking the dirt, and I'm like, yeah, I heard a lot what you guys said about sponsorship. It sounds pretty good and everything else, and I dropped, like, 10 hints. You know? Like, I wanted this guy to sponsor me, and he made me ask.

You know? He's like, so what are you trying to say? I'm like, I was wondering if you'd sponsor me. And he goes, okay. This is what I want you to do.

And I'm like, oh, man. There's already a list. You know? And what ended up happening was as he turned around right then and there at that point in time, and he saved my life. When I walked up and I saw Jeff v, it was one of those things that I will never ever ever forget.

His eyes were clear. And when he looked at you, there was like love in his eyes and in truth, and you just saw him and he just and he just wore sobriety like a like a like a suit of armor. And he bears witness to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it just it just drew me towards this program. And one person impacted me like that.

I you get flack in the community. You guys go to that meeting. You guys dress up. You put on suits and ties and dah dah dah dah. You're damn right.

We wear our sobriety here. You know? We we represent Alcoholics Anonymous because that one newcomer walking up, we may be the only example of the big book they get to see. We may be the only example they get to see ever. That doesn't mean that other people aren't wearing suits and ties at their meeting that they're bad.

That's that's fine. AA is all encompassing. There's a lot of people who won't put a tie on and come somewhere. That's fine. You can go anywhere you want to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I believe in where my sobriety. I believe that I have to represent Alcoholics Anonymous to the best of my ability. That doesn't mean that I speak for AA because if I did, AA would be in a big world of trouble, you know. I want people to judge me on my intentions, not my actions, you know. If you judge me on my intentions, I could be the pope, you know.

People be like, here you go. Kiss my ring, you know. I mean, if you judge me on my intentions, I could be that way. Because if if you judge me on my intentions, it would go something like this. Kelvin didn't mean to say what he said to me.

He didn't mean to tell me, hey, nice tie, when I was wearing a t shirt. Kelvin didn't mean to say, hey, man. Maybe you should shave. Kelvin didn't mean to say, hey, maybe you should, have a coat on when you go up to behind the podium to hurt my feelings. He was just trying to make me feel better, you know.

That's the way people would see and then people wouldn't resent me, you know. People would people wouldn't be like, Kelvin's just opens his mouth too much and says the wrong thing, you know. People wouldn't say that. They'd be like, Kelvin's so loving. He's great, you know.

If you judge me on my intentions, not my actions. So make a long story short, Alcoholics Anonymous basically saved my life. And, and, my sponsor took me through the steps of Alcoholics synamas. My sponsor started teaching me how to be active and helpful in other people's lives and she taught me how to start sponsoring. And I tell their story and and some people's jaws drop and they're like, god, that's ridiculous.

That it should've never happened, you know. I went to my first meeting after being there that that Tuesday. So I had about almost 2 weeks of sobriety. And I walk into that walk into that meeting that next week and there was a part of the format of the Monday night Thursday night group that said, anybody willing to be a sponsor, please raise your hand. The people throw their hands up.

And my sponsor nudges me and I throw my hand up and up comes gangbanger, fro boy, every other word, motherf er, and everything else walks through me, yo, man. I was just wondering if you, like, motherf and sponsor me in in s. You know? And I'm like, I didn't even know what a sponsor basically was except for this guy who took me out the coffee and started telling me things I didn't wanna hear right away. You know?

So I'm like, so you want me to boss you around and tell you to dress up? Hold on. Let me get back to you. You're going to coffee? Okay.

I'll talk to you there. And, I started I've sponsored somebody from the time I was 2 weeks sober until until now. Continue throughout my sobriety. And basically, I didn't sponsor them in the beginning. I my sponsor sponsored them through me.

He told me what actions to take. He told me what to do. He told me, go out spend time with this person, help this person, take him to a meeting, go over here, go over there. And he gave me direction, you know. You people say sponsorship is about suggestions, you know.

I don't treat my sponsors' suggestions as suggestions. I treat them as life or death situations because my own thinking will kill me in Alcoholics Anonymous. The way that I perceive life, the way that I look at other people will kill me in Alcoholics Anonymous. Why? Because my mind is twisted and I will take any situation and try to turn it around to my benefit.

I'm manipulative and a liar and a thief by nature. That's what I am when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, And that's there those traits don't always go away. Don't always go away. There's always something of that there. Today, my, I I, man, today, I, I work a job that's beyond my wildest dreams.

Today, I, I have a wife that is absolutely beautiful to me. Today, I have a, a beautiful, little girl that, is the highlight of my life. When I, when I walk up in the house, she's going, daddy home, daddy home. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve that.

I don't deserve anything I have today. All the credit goes to Alcoholics Anonymous. Every single thing I have and every single thing I am is Alcoholics Anonymous. And, that's the only reason why I'm standing here. You know?

I get to sponsor a group of guys today that are insane and and selfish and and and if you have 3, don't move them in together. Unless you want, like, 5,000 phone calls a night, you know. James said desk. Patrick said desk. I already said desk.

Marvin Marvin. Don't do it. My time is done and, and I just wanna say real quickly this, Alcoholics Anonymous has given me many gifts and has given me many things. And, my sponsor that I was talking this last Sunday and he turned around and he said, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous is funny. It gives you all these rewards and it gives you all these things because you turn around, you take altruistic actions and help others and do those things.

But then alcoholics turn alcoholics anonymous turns around and inconveniences your life and and you have to make a choice whether it be inconvenience and continue to grow or whether to sit there, keep those things, and slowly fade away. I hope we never do that. God bless.