The 2005 Connecticut State Conference of Young People in AA in Southbury, CT

Please help me welcome Peter Jay. My name is Peter Gilbert. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Peter. It's, it's an honor and a privilege to be here.

I'd like to ask, thank the the committee and Rob for, for asking me to speak and, Eli for the for the watch and, Adam for the water and, Lee for helping me put this flower on. It's been a long time since I went to a prom and I was drunk. I used to drink a lot. And, just waiting for God to catch up with me here. I called my sponsor, this afternoon a little while ago, and I told him I said, Jimmy, they asked me to speak at this, at this convention, and, he's a good sponsor for me.

He's been my oh, let me tell you. My sobriety date is July 23, 1998. I have a home group. It's the big book group in Raleigh, North Carolina. We will be celebrating our 40th anniversary this Sunday, and, you know, we're gonna have a fantastic speaker, one of the guys who helped start the group.

And, we get together on Tuesday nights. We got a beginner's meeting at 7. At 8 o'clock, we study the big book and a speaker meeting on Thursdays at 8. And, Greg P just came down and spoke for us. It was fantastic.

So, if you're ever down that way, come find us. It's another pocket of enthusiasm, and, it's good to be here tonight. So I called Jimmy, and I said, Jimmy, I gotta I gotta speak at this conference, and I'm a little nervous. And, I don't know what I'm gonna say. And, he's a good sponsor because he makes he's straight to the point with me.

He said, do you have diarrhea? And I said, no, Jimmy. I don't have diarrhea. He said, well, you're not too nervous. You'll be fine.

That's the only advice he gave me. So I had to go to the book, and it says here on page 29, and there's a solution. It says each individual in the personal stories describes in his own language and from his own point of view the way he established his relationship with God. We hope no one will consider these self revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women desperately in need will see these pages or hear me, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that they will be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too.

I must have this thing. So that makes it pretty clear, what I'm supposed to do here tonight. I took my first drink. I was, well, my first drunk. I probably prior to prior to 14 or or however old I was, I I'm sure that I tasted alcohol.

There was always alcohol in my family and, you know, in holidays and the birthdays, and there was drinking. And, you know, my folks that had a drink, they'd get home from work, and they'd drink, and they'd have a beer or wine with dinner. And, so I'm sure that at some point in there, I I tried alcohol, but it, you know, as JP says, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop giving credit because I pretty much everything I'm gonna say tonight has been stolen from somebody. A lot of them are sitting in this room. You know?

I I got to hear, Jack Max speak earlier this afternoon and this guy, Patrick, and, and Greg, and then we heard Pat Quinn, and the whole thing has been, you know, it's been fantastic. It's been phenomenal. So, you know, anything I say actually, if it doesn't sound familiar, if anything I say sounds real original and you've been here longer than 2 weeks, ignore it because it's it's probably bad advice. But I learned by repetition. You know?

Just like, just like when I was drinking, I told some of these lies and some of these stories. I told them so many times that I really I started to believe in myself. And some of them even made it into my inventory, and it wasn't until I've been sober a while and, and some people corrected me that I realized that that never really happened or happened to a friend of mine or and AA works the same way for me. It's all it's all repetition. I read this book and, you know, don't let it fool you.

It's it I'll tell you where some of the other wear came from. It's not just for me reading it. But I come here and I hear the same stories and the same message over and over again. And I I get to go fantastic groups, and I hear the same basic message over and over again. And, and the more I read this book and the more I hear your stories, the more I start to identify with them.

And the more I read this book and the more I hear your stories, the more I start to look at my life, from the perspective of Alcoholics Anonymous and from the the perspective of this book. And, you know, I got a disease of perception, you know, and and so, you know, it helps get my mind right. And, and who cares if that's the truth or not? Because it works, and that's what I like about this program. It's pragmatic.

Where was I? I'm getting all I'm a I'm a jump around a little bit. I hope you can follow me. So I had had alcohol prior to this point, but it didn't do anything for me. And my family was a drinking family, but they're not alcoholics.

My sister, she drank a lot and, but not not a lot like us. But she did some things she didn't like because she was drunk, so she stopped drinking. Simple. My father, didn't drink a lot, but he drank every day with dinner or whatever when he got home from work, and he, he had a stroke a few years ago, and the doctor said you shouldn't drink anymore, so he said okay. Hadn't had a drink.

You know, it's been, like, 10 years. And, a little while after that, I got sober, and my mom said, well, if they're not drinking, I guess I won't drink either. It was that simple. It was that easy for her to walk away from. So I don't come from a family of alcoholics.

But But that night, when I was hanging out with these guys and I was nervous and I was awkward just a little bit like I am now, and, and I didn't know these guys real well and, but we had 5 cases of Milwaukee's Best. I've always been a high class drunk. You've now seen my suit. When my sponsor says suit up and show up, he means wear a suit, but you've now seen it, so I can thanks, Steve. So I didn't know these guys, but somewhere about the the 6th or the 7th beer, it happened.

All of that, you know, and the same stuff every you know, people talk about, but it it it didn't make me an alcoholic, but it didn't make me uncomfortable. And maybe everybody's uncomfortable at 14. I don't know. I don't know a whole lot of normies real well. Maybe everybody is kinda insecure and awkward and lonely and uncomfortable at 14, but I definitely was.

And, but what what is not true for everybody is that is that Milwaukee's because somewhere about that 6th or 7th beer, because somewhere about that 6th or 7th beer, I felt I felt like I thought you all felt all the time. I had that perfect sense of ease and comfort. I, I could talk to these guys, man. I felt like I'd known her my whole life. And that girl that I had a crush on since about the 3rd grade, I could talk to her, and there was no problem.

And, and it was awesome for about half an hour. And, somehow I, I I I, you know, I I did what drunks do on a Tuesday night. I, I threw up, and I I blacked out, and I wrapped myself up in toilet paper and got caught on fire. And, you know, and I got hosed down in the front yard and all that stuff, but I I woke up the next morning or afternoon, and and I wasn't worried about any of that stuff. All I was thinking about was that little period between, like, beer 6 and 9 that I felt like like I'd never felt.

You know? And I needed that feeling. And, and and and and if alcohol still did for me today and did for me tonight, what it did for me that night, I would still be drinking it. I never would have found what I found in this program. I never would have made the the friends that I've got in this room.

I never would have wanted you or needed you because I had a solution that worked, man. However briefly, it worked. And, and right from there, my life started to change. You know? I wasn't I wasn't consciously thinking that, that I'm gonna go out and get a job so I can get money to drink.

Well, maybe I was. So I went out and I got a job so I could get money to drink. And, and I'd been a pretty good student. You know, life a lot of things have kinda come easily to me, it looks like, from the outside. You know?

I I I went through school and I made pretty good grades and, and I got along with people pretty well. And I had a house and a family and and, you know, they they looked after me, but it certainly didn't feel easy on the inside. Life was always kinda awkward and and painful and anxious and uncomfortable and, and, but when I when I get together with these guys or or by myself I started drinking by myself. I'd go to these parties and they're you know, next, morning when I wake up, if there's anything left over, I'd I'd take it with me. And so I'm I'm 15 years old.

I'm in high school, and I got bottles of you know, warm bottles of beer and rum and whatever else hidden up on the closet shelf behind the baseball cards because, you know, it was just easier to study that way, and I didn't have to worry about talking to anybody. And, so I drank through high school. It worked. It was great. You know?

Had a great you know? It was what it was. The booze worked. I, I had some consequences, but they weren't, you know, earth shattering. You know?

I disappear for a few days, and the folks would call the highway patrol. And, well, you can drink without a car. We know that. They the highway patrol would come and find the car that I'd left parked somewhere, and they'd take it, and that was okay. You know?

And, I ended up going up to school up here in Connecticut. I got into I got into a real fine school. I got Yale, and, you know, I mistakes happen or God can do amazing things or I don't know what happened, but I ended up up here. And I didn't wanna come because after high school, I got this great job roofing down at the beach, and, you laugh. You haven't heard about it yet.

I didn't know how to roof. I'm down there. I'm passed out. I I get woken up somewhere. I was hammering on the roof.

I go out and yell at him, and he offers me a job because the hurricane had come through, and there was a lot of money to be made putting shingles on houses. And and I said, can you roof? I said, no. He said, I can teach you in 20 minutes, and I was a roofer. I wasn't a good roofer, but I could I could hammer a hammer and put some shingles up.

And I was doing that, and I was working 10 hours a day, and I'd get off work, and I'd go to this tavern. Best name for a tavern I've ever it was the Someplace Else Tavern, you know, in Atlantic Beach, North Carolina. It was I mean, that's that's the whole point. Right? I can't deal with right here, right now.

I wanna be someplace else. You know? And, I'd go down to the someplace else tavern, and they'd serve me because I had cash in my pocket. And, man, I didn't I didn't wanna come up here and go to school, but I was real glad I did real quick because, I found out the liquor stores up here are not run by the government, and, and they are in North Carolina and, and some of them didn't care too much that the name on the credit card didn't match the name on the ID and neither one looked like me. Wasn't a problem.

And, especially Broadway liquor on Dixwell Avenue. I don't know if any of you are familiar with that particular, New Haven establishment, but they were good to me. Well, they gave me what I wanted. And, it doesn't take long to talk about my college career. I was here for, 3 semesters.

I was hospitalized. Well, before college started, we went on this camping trip. It was like a freshman orientation thing and you go out in the woods for 4 or 5 or 6 or 7 days. I don't remember. And, what I do remember, it was more than 3 days because on day 3, they went to go hang the food up in the tree so the bears didn't get it, and they came back, and I'm lying on the ground shaking.

And they said, what's going on? And they and I said, I don't know. You know? And it went away. And, and they got me back to New Haven, and I got some booze in me, and I didn't think about it much.

And, a week later, I went to the the one of the, big parties. It was the night of 10,000 jello shots, and, you know, I I got enough in me to you know, I was passed out in my own puke in the backyard of this house somewhere, and the cops were on the way, so they said they better get me out of there. And the second they woke me up now I don't I don't I don't remember thinking anything. All I remember is the second they woke me up, I was headed back to that table. They had this big table with these little Dixie cups full of jello shots.

And the second I was conscious, man, I had I had 3 Fratt Brothers on one arm and a couple on the other arm, and I had this field jacket, this old army field jacket, and I'm just stuffing these things into my pockets fast as I can. And when I woke up in the hospital covered in, you know, vodka Jell O of all different colors, I didn't worry about it. 3 semesters, 4 trips to the hospital later, a couple of arrests. You know, and when you're young and in trouble like that, or at least for me that you got a lot of helpers is I heard a speaker. I don't remember what speaker said that, but it stuck.

So I had a lot of helpers. I had deans and and and people in the hospital and and, judges and lawyers and police officers and EMTs and teachers and parents and friends, and everybody's trying to tell me that I got a problem with alcohol, that I drink too much. Obviously, they didn't know me. Never occurred to me that I might have a problem with alcohol. Now I'm I'm somebody's paying a lot of money for me to, try to get a degree in physics from Yale University.

My days didn't look a whole lot like you'd think. I'd wake up, whenever my drinking buddy, she'd come and she'd start yelling up the window, you know, to somebody to let her in. And somebody let her in, and we'd do whatever was in her little bag. And and we'd go and we'd borrow some of this, stuff from this guy, and we'd break it up into little short bags of stuff. And we'd sell them, and we'd work all day long to get $20 to pay for a half a gallon of Kamchatka vodka and 2 boxes of Jack Cigarettes or Jokers or whatever.

They don't even make them anymore. They were so cheap. Well, worked all day. You get a half a gallon of vodka and, and 2 boxes of cigarettes. And, and somewhere in here, this is what's important, is somewhere I don't know when because I was a blackout drinker.

Somewhere in that in that 3 semesters, something happened that was real significant. It wasn't any of the arrests or the, overdoses or the alcohol poisoning or the or the anything like that, but somewhere in there, the alcohol stopped working for me. And, and I mean, I still got sick, and I still threw up, and I still did tragic and bizarre things, but they were becoming mean things and, and all that, but it didn't take away the insecurity like it used to. And it didn't take away the fear like it used to. And it didn't take take the anger away.

Definitely didn't take the anger away. And I'm doing things I mean, I had to you know, I'm breaking stuff now. And, I'm breaking stuff, and I'm breaking me. And I I I drink, and instead of bringing it closer to people and feeling like they were my best friends in the world, I I I didn't go out of my room because, because I was terrified of who I'd become and what I was and the things that I did to you when you when I was out and I was drunk. And, and I started drinking in New York, weekend before Halloween, and, I woke up sometime a couple days before Christmas in Yale New Haven Hospital again.

And, you know, I'd missed my exams and my flight home, all that stuff. I wasn't worried about it. And and they let me out, and, and I went home. I was in my mom's house, had a drinking buddy, drove up from North Carolina, picked me up, turned around, and drove back. And, and I was in my mama's house for about 20 minutes.

You know? I'm 3 days late for Christmas. I'm all bloody. I weighed, I weighed £45 less than I do right now, and I was, I wasn't I I I was pretty. And, I was in my mama's house for about 20 minutes, and she's standing at the top of the stairs.

And I said, mom, I gotta go. I gotta meet my friends down at the jackpot. Another great name for a bar. And, and she said, no. You're not going.

And without a thought, I just pushed her down the stairs, went right out of the house, and went to the bar. Not a thought in my head. I love my mother. There wasn't a thought in my head. Somewhere that spring, and I don't I'm a little foggy on the details, three things happened.

I got my first DWI. I went to, the county run outpatient treatment center, and, I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, I think I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous before the other two things happened, but I can't swear to it. Because I went to that meeting drunk well, I went to that meeting drunk by their standards. I was not anywhere close to drunk by my standards or your standards.

And, and I used to think it was some kind of magic, some kind of mystery of Alcoholics Anonymous, some kind of magical thing that happened that when I went to that meeting, a little tipsy, I felt comfortable. Well, a little more comfortable than I than I than I usually felt. And, and I felt kinda okay, and I was able to to hold a cup of coffee and drink it. I I mean, I spilled a little on the jeans, but nobody noticed because they're pretty dirty. And and I used to think that was some kind of magical thing about AA and it it's there's no magic to it.

There's no magic in this program, you know. You do a and b and get c. That's what I've been taught. And it wasn't magical. I I saw the woman.

I I hadn't seen her in a long time. This scary looking I mean, about, man, she worked at UPS in between going to the gym, and she was looked like Chaz and had a crew cut. And as as a friend of mine said, looked like she got her face caught in the tackle box. You know? And Kelly came up to me, and she gave me this book.

And she gave me this book, and she gave me a meeting schedule, and she said, you're gonna go to these 7 meetings, or I'm gonna come find you. Kelly got sober in Baltimore, I think, in a in a in a in a men's recovery house in Baltimore, and, she's still sober. I heard her speak. She spoke for me about a month ago down at my home group. See, it wasn't any magic.

It wasn't any mystery. People in the nonsmoking group in Raleigh, North Carolina came up to me and they gave me a book. Never given me anything. I'd had to take it for a long time. And they were smiling And they were shaking my hand, and they were saying, welcome.

We're glad you're here. And I don't know where you drank, but there weren't a whole lot of people at some place else or jackpot or anywhere else coming up to me and smiling and shaking my hand and saying, we're glad you're here. So that's important. I I mean, I remember I remember for I remember Ed. When I ended up getting sober out in New Haven, Ed was the first guy in Alcoholics Anonymous who remembered my name.

Ed may not remember me for nothing, but I will not forget Kelly and Ed for as long as I live. You know? So if you're a greeter, thank you. You know? Most important job in Alcoholics Anonymous.

So I came to AA and real quickly, I found out I wasn't an alcoholic. I knew that already, but I I because, you know, because I was 19 years old. Obviously, I was not an alcoholic. And, you know, I just I I don't know. I didn't wanna be, but I kept coming back.

They said keep coming back, and they and they'd every time I'd come back, they used to at at that group, you come up to the front and they give you a little white poker chip, and everybody claps for you and comes up to you afterwards and says congratulations and welcome and, man, I love that. So I kept coming back. I still have a ton of white chips. I lose a lot of stuff, but I had so many of these that I just can't lose them all. I had pockets full of them.

I went to one meeting and this old guy in the front row, he didn't clap for me. I picked up a white chip and he said, what are you trying to do, kid? Get sober or tile a bathroom? Man, I hated him. He was not nice to me, but I remember what he said to me.

Longest I made it sober in Alcoholics Anonymous was 27 days. And, I know when it started because I wrote it in this book that my sobriety date was gonna be March 7, 1998. And I wrote it down because I knew that I was gonna stay sober. Because I came in and I got a sponsor, and I was going to meetings every day. Day 27, I went and picked up a 30 day chip.

Because by 27 days without a drink and without a god, I knew I wasn't gonna make it till day 30, and I wanted one of them pretty little silver chips because I was tired of these white chips. Sure enough, I I went and got drunk after that meeting. And I didn't come in here to waste your time. And I didn't come in here for the coffee, and I didn't come in here for the donuts. I came in here because something had gotten through in those 27 days of a very patient sponsor sitting down and reading the doctor's opinion over and over and over and over with me till something sunk through my thick skull.

And I remember being in a meeting and they're reading the the 12 and 12, and it's got this line in there about how the third step is not something mysterious like relativity or a proposition in nuclear physics. And man, I understood relativity pretty good and and I had taken some classes in nuclear physics and I what a god had to do with not drinking was beyond me. Didn't make any sense. I thought I had a problem with the second step. I couldn't see what I couldn't see what this was all about.

I came here and you're talking about god and being a nicer person and character defects, and I couldn't see what this had to do with staying sober Friday night. Thought I had a problem with the, with the second step and the third step and God and everything else. Turns out, what I really had a problem with was the first step because I didn't and it wasn't because it wasn't explained to me, and it wasn't because the message wasn't there. It's just for whatever reason, I wasn't ready to hear it. And I didn't understand that my problem has very little to do with alcohol.

I know that I'm a alcoholic because when I stop drinking, things don't get better. They get worse. When you take away alcohol, which is I mean, by the end, it wasn't taking away my fear like it used to and it wasn't bringing me closer to other people like it used to, but it did two things for me. It kept me out of the d t's, and that's worth it enough. And and it let me not remember because not being conscious, being in a blackout, or passed out somewhere was better than being conscious.

Because I hated myself so much, and I had so much guilt and shame and all that stuff. And I was so terrified of the world that being anywhere but sober and looking at who I was was better than where I was. And I was a blackout drinker. I was lucky. So what happened?

So I gave up on AA. It didn't work. You know, up until that point, I had done everything that you all told me to do that I thought would help me. You know? You told me to get a sponsor I could see where talking to somebody might help me.

You told me to read this book. I didn't know what was in it. I started reading it, and then it became a coaster. You told me you told me to go to meetings. Well, you know, group therapy, sure.

Maybe that'll help. That's what I thought it was. I'd come and I'd whine to you. And, and some guy, my sponsor told me to get on my knees and say thanks for, keeping me sober at night and in the morning get on my knees and say please help me to stay sober today. And that wasn't gonna help me because there wasn't a God and that was simple, so I didn't do it.

You know, I didn't know there was another way to live. I didn't know there was any I thought how else do you make decisions except you do what you think is the best thing for you to do. Right? Everybody lives that way. Right?

You make a decision based off what you think is the best thing to do. How else are you gonna make decisions? Never occurred to me that I could make decisions based off what Jimmy tells me to do or make decisions based off what I think God wants me to do never occurred to me. I made decisions based off what I thought was best for me. Selfish and self centered.

Gave up on AA, went back to drinking. My days at this point, I had a mattress that was, futon that, the girl I met in detox had given me because it had been on her back porch and all the neighborhood cats had been pissing on it for years. I had a piece of stone sitting on 2 rusty paint cans that was my table, and I had garbage bags and garbage bags and garbage bags full of empty Milwaukee's Best and PBR cans. That's what I had. I had a job, sorta.

I mean, I worked at this pizza place. The girl I met in detox got me that job. And, I remember the boss coming up to me saying, I don't mind you coming to work drunk. Just don't come to work too drunk to work. Perfect job for me.

Couldn't even take that suggestion. I, my last drunk, I went out drinking, you know, I got robbed at gunpoint and, I, I, you know, got caught in bed with a married woman, and I, I lost where I was living. And, you know, you know, it's what we do on a Tuesday. And, and I showed up at work the next day. I was only half an hour late, you know, which is early for me.

And, I walked in. I clocked in. I put my apron on. I heard something outside. I walked outside to smoke a cigarette, I passed out in, in the street.

And, you know, the employee assistance program at that particular pizza shop consisted of the owner picking me up out of the gutter and carrying me to the hospital. They signed the commitment papers on my mother's birthday. My first higher power was the state of North Carolina, did for me what I could not do for myself, separated me physically from alcohol. And, they held me there in the hospital, and then they moved me into the, well, I had a point 47 blood alcohol when they brought me into the hospital. And, state of North Carolina separated me from alcohol, and, I came to on July 23, 1998, and I went to the AA meeting in the cafeteria of the psych ward.

And, I knew that I would drink again. I knew it as sure as I've ever known at anything in my life because that's what happened. That's what happens to a guy like me. I drink. After a while, maybe it's a day, a week, an hour, a month, a year, you capture me.

I'm captured. Somebody separates me from alcohol. They hold me for a little while. They let me out. I drink again.

Simple. Not because I wanted to drink or needed to drink. I didn't have a choice. I was gonna drink. I knew that.

He explained to me real simple. For an alcoholic or an alcoholic like me to stay sober, it's like holding your breath. If I really wanna hold my breath, I can do it for a while. You know? Some people longer than others.

But eventually, something in the back of my mind takes over and I breathe. Not because I want to or I make a decision to or anything like I just breathe. That's the way drinking is for me. If I really want to, I can stay sober for a while. 27 days, apparently, is my record.

And then I drink, want to or not. So they locked me up. I knew they might hold me for a little bit longer than before, but they were I they were gonna let me out, and I they held me in institutions, of various kinds, this treatment center, the psych ward, the halfway house, the sober house, the this, until I was a year sober. And, I cannot tell you why I did what I did. Certainly not drunk, but either in my year sober either.

1st year sober either. Or even now, really. You know? I can tell you what I did. That's my experience.

I got on my knees and I said those words. And, and I didn't feel any different, and I got back up and, you know, didn't think about it too much. And that night, I got on my knees, and I said those words. And I don't know if there's anything magical about getting on your knees or saying those words, but what it was for me, conscious or not, was I was doing something just because I was told to and because I didn't know what else to do. Because I didn't have anywhere else to go.

You know? I had 2 alternatives, the book tells me. I could go on blotting out the intolerable situation as best I could or could accept the simple kit of spiritual tools that was laid at my feet. I don't know if you've tried that, blotting out the consciousness of your intolerable situation, but that's tough work. You know?

Like I said, a month and a half was my best record at that. You know? Black out blacked out a month and a half is my best record. Let me talk a little bit about AA. So what happened?

I'll tell you what happened. I kept sort of going to meetings mindlessly. Ed got hold of me and he taught me how to stay sober on Saturdays. You come over to the AA club and you tear up the old carpet and you tear up the old tiles and you put down carpet and you know? He kept me busy on the weekends.

During the week, I got a stupid job, went to that, went to meetings at night, didn't drink, had a couple of different sponsors. One guy told me, don't drink and sleep in the nude. That was his wisdom. I have heard it said in AA that, if you want to stop drinking bad enough, a monkey can get you sober, And, I disagree with that statement because I wanted to stay sober. You know?

Not might not have thought I could, but I wanted to. 6 months sober, I was in more pain than I remember being and drinking. 6 months sober, the girl that I was madly in love with, so I thought, called me up and said, doesn't seem like you're gonna come back to drinking, so, I'm gonna leave you for the booze. At least she was honest. She was upfront about it.

The only other woman only other person I've ever met who would drink the, 200 proof ethanol that I stole from the labs. So we were we were a perfect match. And, man, I was destroyed. She was my higher power. In fact, the guys in my sober house weren't even subtle.

When she called, they'd write on the whiteboard, Pete, your higher power called. I didn't get it. I was crushed. I'm standing outside of some bar next to the AA club after the AA meet, and I'm standing in 6 feet of snow because it's January in Saint Paul, Minnesota, and the snow might have been my higher power that night. And somehow I didn't drink.

Made it back to the sober house. Oh, man. I wanted to drink. And the next night, I was in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I gotta make a correction.

The group in New Haven is called the New Haven Pacific Group. There is a group called the Pacific Group that's in Los Angeles. We're sort of connected. Some guys from that group started one in Minnesota where I got sober, and then we started the one in New Haven. And so there's some connection, but one in New Haven is the New Haven Pacific group.

But, anyway, I was at a meeting of the Central Pacific group in Minneapolis, and I I'd never been to before. And a guy comes up to me, and he said, my name's Jimmy. And, do you have a sponsor? And I said, well, I had this guy, but I I think he moved. I don't know.

And I had this other guy, and I I hadn't called him in a couple of months, and he said, I'll be your sponsor. Didn't ask me what I thought about it. Fact, in the last 7 years, he's never asked me what I thought about anything. Smart guy. And he gave me the solution.

I already had the book. I hadn't read much of it. But he sat down with me, and we worked the 12 steps as outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, I'm not gonna take up the whole evening telling you every little action that I've taken. By the way, the reason the big book is so beat up is not because I read it so much, but there's a line in there that says, lend him your copy of this book.

That's one of the hardest directions I ever had to take because I'm personally attached to this book, but I I took it. And so this book has been through more detoxes and jails and everything else than anybody else I know. So and one guy had it for a year and a half. You know? The police were after him.

He ran down to Florida. You know? Figured I'd lost the book. Year and a half goes by. I got a call out of the blue from this guy.

He's like, I got your book. There are too many coincidences in this program for me to believe in coincidence anymore. I mean, I was up, I, I had the privilege. I was in New York a couple of summers ago, and I went to this group, and and this guy Steve was speaking. Blew the top of my head off.

It was fantastic. A week later, I'm in Boston going to a meeting with Jack Mack, and they introduced me to some guy named Johnny. Turns out, Johnny, we get this whole connection. Now we got guys coming down from Boston to New Haven and New Haven to Boston are all over, and it's incredible. You know?

God's way of staying anonymous, I guess. What's it like today? I couldn't ask for a better deal. I don't even know. Looking out at at at a at a room full of dead people.

Because I I know some of your stories, and a lot of them are a lot worse than mine. And and the pain and the loneliness and the despair and the bewilderment and the terror, I mean, I I see these guys coming in, and I see them walking in the door for the first time. And I know that they are as scared and angry and alone as I know that I was when I was first carried into these rooms. And then, you know, hardly any time later, some guy with that glow gets a hold of him with one of these books. And hardly any time later, a a couple of months maybe, you know, a few months later, different people.

Just different people. Just I mean and to get to watch that over and over and over again is the most amazing thing that I could've ever possibly asked for. I mean, get to see Todd sitting here tonight. If you had seen Todd the first day I met Todd. My life today, I I have the privilege of sponsoring, guys.

I have the privilege of, you know, I went back to school. I finished school. I, I'm applying to some more school now. I mean, I I I own 2 vans, 2 station wagons, a suburban, and, I mean, none of them run, but, you know, I was speaking at a at a meeting about a month ago, and this guy comes up to me after the meeting. He said, you're the best educated redneck I've ever met.

I said, that's about right. But I get to be me in this program. You all gave me that. You gave me a solution to show me how to establish a relationship with a god, to have this vital spiritual experience that is the result of these steps. That is the only known thing.

I mean, we've known this for a while. Young knew this talking to mister Hazard. The only known thing to bring about the vital spiritual experience, which I can't tell you why, but for whatever reason is the only thing that can keep a guy like me sober a day at a time. He gave me that, and he'd given me that God. He gave me me.

He gave me true independence and true freedom. You know? To go to, you know, Venezuela and Cuba and Canada and all these places I've gotten to go to meetings and and to to meet all these amazing people and to to just, you know, waste my money on broke down cars if I want to or whatever I wanna do. It's it's the most I used to hate life. I used to hate life so much.

Life was painful every day and now it's not. Thank you for my God and Alcoholics Anonymous.