Nourse Hall in San Fransisco, CA

This is a very simple program. This is how it works. Now now comes that great big moment. And, I was sitting there thinking now now, how how am I gonna put over this punch line? How am I gonna build this guy up?

Shall I build his ego up? Shall I I I say something that's gonna make him feel very humble? Shall I take his inventory and tell you now what he was like and what happened and what he's like now? And and and steal his stuff. You know?

And, then it says, each one has his own story to tell you. This fellow, when I I have very much of a fledgling and nibbling at this new way of life, he took time out many years ago to help carry this message. Me reach out and wanna grab a little bit more of the spiritual food. And I want you to sit tonight and listen and digest the spurge of food that Ben W. Tonight has to offer to you.

Ben Ben W. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that beautiful introduction, mister chairman.

First, I want to thank you people for giving me the privilege of coming to your great city and affording me the opportunity to tell you what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like today as a result of being an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was quite I was quite flattered and I was quite honored when the directors of this conference asked me to come up here and speak to them. But that is my primary purpose in being here. My primary purpose in being here, ladies and gentlemen, as it is in all AA meetings, is in the hopes that I may say something to someone state of mental and moral confusion as I was when I came to my first meeting. I always come to these meetings, and when I am speaking, I am always hoping that I may say something to that confused, that lonely, that frustrated individual that will set their foot upon the path of this beautiful sobriety, and this beautiful peace, and this beautiful serenity that can be found as a result of being an active participant in this wonderful program.

And I always feel inadequate. I always feel that I'm not worthy of the task because I picture that individual as I pictured myself when I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics and And how frustrated, how let down I felt after my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, how determined I was never to come back. I felt that you people that misrepresented yourselves to me. I said, now here is a group of people, they knew how desperate I was because from the bits of their stories, they told me they knew how serious my condition was. And yet they assured me that I had found the place to save my life because when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, ladies and gentlemen, it had become a question for me to drink was to die.

And after all of these assurance that they had given me before the meeting, and after I had heard the solution to the problem, I felt that you people had misrepresented yourselves to me. I was so nauseated was my first meeting of of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it was only out of respect for people's religious convictions that kept me from walking out in the middle of the middle of the Lord's prayer. That is how disappointed I was when I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. As I always have the feeling that somebody who comes here for the first time has the same feeling that I had, and they will go away, and they'll never come back, and they'll never find this wonderful thing.

The only thing that kept me from coming kept me coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous is because it was in a fit of desperation. I came back to my second meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, not because I wanted to, not because I thought you had a solution to my problem. I came back because I was afraid not to come. And so because I had that mental feeling, because I was in that state of mind, I feel so inadequate because I think that there's somebody in here that I can't adequately adequately describe what can be found in AA. And that lady or that gentleman might walk away and miss the most a variety and peace that they've ever had.

So that is my primary purpose in being here tonight, is to carry the message to somebody who might be coming here for the first or second time. Somebody who has drifted along a way they know not, searching and seeking some way to break those bonds, those alcoholic bonds, and set themselves free. I can assure you as they assured me when I came to my first meeting, if you are a true alcoholic as I am, then you've come to the right place. If you believe nothing that I have said here tonight, or if I don't convince any of you of the wonderful things that can be found today, I don't want you to feel that my time is wasted, or I don't want you to feel the sense of guilt that you've let me down. Because you have done me a favor by simply coming here and listening to my story, because I always carry a message to Ben Wyatt every time I speak in one of these meetings, because by you being kind enough to come am like today as a be as a result of being an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And tell me, remind me of the thing that I must keep on doing to stay like I remind me of the thing that I must keep on doing to stay like I am. I am not one of those people that has anything against alcohol. I drank for 27 years and I loved every one of those 27 years. And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't come to Alcoholics Anonymous to find a way to stop drinking. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous to learn the way to drink like I used to drink my first 12 or 13 years before I lost control.

And I figured if there was any way that I could have kept on living, ladies and gentlemen, and kept on drinking, I would have never given up alcohol. So to those of you who may be here for the first time when you're on the program, I don't want you to get the idea that I am on a sawdust trail, and that I want everybody to stop drinking. The best job I ever had is when I became a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was working in the liquor store. And for 10 years, I got a great deal of pleasure out of handling a bottle of alcohol over the counter.

Because I felt since I knew the great pleasure and the feeling of fellowship and comradely, comradely that a person feels at the effect of alcohol. When I hand that bottle of alcohol across the counter, I would feel that I was in my small way, adding to the sum total of the happiness of the world. And so I have nothing against alcohol. The most wonderful feeling of satisfaction that I ever had, the most discovered the effects of alcohol. This was the most satisfying experience that I had ever had because momentarily become all of the things I always wanted to become.

It made me feel happy. It made me feel peaceful. It made me feel secure. It made me experience all of those wonderful emotions that any human being, all human beings are seeking for. And so I deliberately, not by accident, I deliberately adopted alcohol as a way of life, and I pursued it right to the gates of insanity and death.

I was having a wonderful time with alcohol from my first 12 or 13 years of so called controlled drinking. It was only that latter 12 or 13 years when I moved from me that thin line of a controlled to an uncontrolled rancor, when I begin to go to jail as common drunkard, when I begin to black out and have to go around apologizing to my friends for my revolting and shameful conduct of the day before. It was then, ladies and gentlemen, that I became disturbed. It was then that I began to search around to find a solution to my problem. You see, I'd always said that anybody who drank and couldn't conduct themselves, ladies and gentlemen, there was something inherently bad.

There was something morally low about them. And that day in 1935, when I had my first blackouts, And my friend was describing to me the next day the type of drinking individual I had been become. The type of individual that I'd always said when drinking make me do a thing like that, then I'll give it up. It was then, ladies and gentlemen, that I took steps to solve my alcoholic problem. And what step did I take?

I took the step that I said I would always take that when alcohol does me that way, then there's nothing for me to do but give it up, and so I gave up alcohol entirely. This resolution lasted about, oh, 4, 5 days. And after 4 or 5 days, I begin to reflect. And then I realize that making up your mind to stop drinking is very easy to do, easy thing thing to do, but it is very difficult in its execution. I begin to get those headaches.

I began to get irritable. I began to get cramps in my stomach and then I said, now, then why is take such a drastic step? After all, you only made one bad step. You've apologized to your friends and they realize that wasn't the real you. And so then I began to try to inquire around and find out another solution.

And I ran across a friend of mine, drinking buddy who had had a similar problem. And I discussed my problem with him, and he looked at me understanding and unknowingly. He says, what do you drink, Ben? I said, well, I drink straight whiskey. He said, As well, I know what your problem is.

He said, now you see you're about the same size as I am. I said, yes. And we're little men. I said, yeah. He said, now I used to have your same problem.

You see, little men like us can't drink straight whiskey because it tears us up inside and it drives us crazy. I used to have the same problem, and so I find I had to give up straight whiskey. Now, all I drink is wine. Now, as a matter of fact, wine was always my favorite drink. But since prohibition had been abolished and wine had become so inexpensive, it had picked up a bad reputation, and I didn't want people to see me drinking wine openly.

And so I inquired with to my friend, I inquired whether, beer would be alright. You see, a song along, just don't drink any straight whiskey. And so then I took my second step on my road to recovery. I switched from straight whiskey to beer. And this continued for several months.

I didn't have any black ops. I had no trouble. My problem was solved. I was happy. After this, it continued for about 7 months.

I had at least a Sunday. I'd had a wonderful time. I'd kept a nice feeling. I'd had any trouble. Why don't you quit while you're ahead?

And so, had any trouble. Why don't you quit while you're ahead? And so I decided to go home. And on my way home, I decided to stop by and have a nightcap at my favorite bar. So I went into this bar feeling perfectly sober and complete control of all of my mental facilities, and I ordered my usual bottle of beer.

And as I sat there and began to drink this beer, this is the last thing I remember. And when I came to, I found myself on the other side of town in my bed, and this was the first time that I'd had that socking experience. Realizing that I had operated a motor vehicle in a complete black ops. And my mind momentarily flashed back, and I remembered on the way home. During the course of that drive, I hit some blood object with a terrific impact.

And to this day, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether that was a lamp post. Post. I don't know whether it was a, fire plug. I don't know whether it was another human being. This was a frightening experience.

I don't know whether if any of you have ever had this particular experience, but if you have, then you know what I mean when I say for the last 12 or 13 years of my banking life. I lived in constant fear of violent and sudden death. I don't know whether I maimed or crippled or killed a human being during these last 12 or 13 troublesome years. But every time I picked up a newspaper and read where some fellow human being had been maimed, crippled, or killed as a result of a drunk driver, I would say there, but by the grace of God, go I. So you see, ladies and gentlemen, when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, my situation was a desperate one.

I have become convinced that any drink now will be my last drink, and I didn't didn't wanna die that way. But I still wouldn't have found this wonderful program had I known what your solution was that it meant complete absence from alcohol because alcohol had become a way of life with me. And I can remember after this first frightening experience, I consulted a medical man for the first time. But up until that time, I was reading everything about alcohol and its effect on the human mind in an effort to affect the self cure. I wouldn't convey this to anybody because it was something that I was ashamed of.

I was hoping that I could read something where I could cure myself before the world found out what type of breaking individual I had become. But after this first frightening experience with an automobile, I decided to seek outside help. And so I went to my doctor, and this reminds me the way I did with my doctor gives me an insight into why why doctors don't have much experience we alcoholics. We are in veteran liars, and we not only won't tell our doctor the truth, we won't tell anybody the truth. Now I realize that in order for a doctor to treat his patients, patients, he treats him based upon the diagnosis, part of the diagnosis.

He goes on the supposition that his placement is going to tell him the truth, but an alcoholic won't do that. And, of course, me being an alcoholic, I was no different. Now here, I'm desperate. I wanna save my life. But when I went and consulted the doctor, you know what I said to the doctor?

I said, doctor, I want you to give me something for a nervous condition. I said, you know, I'm a railroad man and I ride very fast trains. I'm a waiter. And I noticed several times going around those curves at 80 miles an hour, I almost dumped hot coffee on the pasture. I've gotta do something about my nerves or I lose my job.

And so the doctor was writing out the prescription for my nerves. Then I said to him, I so incidentally too, doctor. You know, a strange thing happened to me a few days ago. I was drinking, and all of a sudden, about 24 hours passed, and I don't know anything about it. Give me something for that too while you're at it.

And so the doctor said to me, he said, well, I can give you something temporarily for your nerves. But now about that other condition, I don't have anything to give you. I said, what do you mean? I said, well, you burned out. You've been drinking too much.

I said, well, explained it to me. He said, well, you know, the body is so constituted that it has, what you might call gauges for everything to keep the human body from doing anything in excess that will hurt the body. When you eat enough food, then this gauge works, and then you don't eat anymore. When you drink water, the gauge works so you don't want any more water. And for all the things that go into your body, there's a gauge that lets you know.

Now you used to have, a drinking gauge, and you noticed that when you cons your body consumed all the alcohol, it was good for it. You would throw it up. You'd get a headache. You'd go to sleep, or something would happen. You wouldn't consume anymore.

So, well, now in your case, that gauge has been burned out. So now here is your prescription for your nerves, and on that other, my advice to you is to stop drinking. Well, obviously, the good doctor was an alcoholic. As a matter of fact, I thought he was a little man. He's saying to me, all you have to do to solve your alcoholic problem is to stop drinking.

He might as well have said to me, then all you have to do to solve your alcoholic problem is simply hold your breath the rest of your life or stop eating. Well, even eating wouldn't be so bad because there are no days when I had money and there was a question of whether I should eat or whether I should drink, I could always dispense with the food. And so, of course, I for the first time, I said the doctor didn't know what he was talking about. And so I continued on trying to find some way, seeking that will the west, trying to find some way to drink like I did the last 12 or 13 years before. And alcoholism, is being a progressive disease, my condition always got worse.

I began to have more and more trouble. About 2 years before I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I was working as a waiter out at, at a a very exclusive country club in Los Angeles, and I've gotten drunk on the job and had to stay away 6 days on my drunk and then 4 days sick, and then I came back and I went down in the locker room. And I saw my fellow waiting shaking their heads and saying the same old saying, Ben, if you don't do something about your drinking, something very serious is going to happen to you. I have been hearing this, ladies and gentlemen, for the last 10 or 12 years of my drinking life. I said, what is it this time?

So my fellow waiters woke up and he says, oh, nothing. Just when you left here the other day drunk, that you almost ran down mister so and so's wife, a member of the club. She came into the club and fainted, and everybody was looking for the waiter that had almost ran down missus so and so's wife, and they asked her, who was he? And she said, I've never seen him before. He looked like a madman.

So as I stepped out of my car, and just as I stepped out of my car, this car came around and whirled around and it almost ran me down. Now I was trying to apparently, I was trying to get out of the the exit to the parking lot. Now it was about as wide as this stage, but appears that I kept going round and around, round and around. I couldn't find this opening. And so she said, I came so close to her, she was petrified.

She was afraid to move. She's afraid I'd run it out. She said she she never seen me before. This man looked like he was crazy. As a matter of fact, that lady had seen me, she and her husband had seen me many times.

I waited on them. They liked me very much. But since I've been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I realized the lady was telling the truth. She has seen Ben Wyatt's many times sober, but she's never seen Ben Wyatt's insane, rave, and maniac alcohol. It is a form of insanity induced by the excessive use of alcohol, but I didn't know these things.

And so when they told me this horrible tale, I rushed upstairs to the locker room where a very famous doctor who was a member of the club. I knew he changed his clothes to go and play golf that morning. And so I rushed up to this doctor, and I said, doctor, I don't want you to take me presumptuous. I have no money to pay a great medical man like you, but I'm in deep trouble. Alcohol is interfering with my home life.

Alcohol is interfering with my ability to make my living. I seem to be caught in the grips of something that is malignant, that is slowly but surely destroying me. I want you to help me. I want you to direct me to some place where I can find a way to save my life because I know that if I continue down the road and alcohol is leading me, I know that I will surely die. And you know what this great medical man said to me?

He says, I wish I could help you, and I sympathize with you. You're afflicted with what we call acute alcoholism. This so far is a malignant and incurable and incurable disease. There's nothing in medical experience that has thus far found an answer to your problem. You know mister so and so and so.

He's a prominent member of the club. You know that man's worth over $20,000,000 He's well liked by everybody, yet you know what happened a couple years ago down in front of the Beverly Wilshire when he ran down that elderly couple. He is suffering the same as you are. He wants to do something with his problem. Do you think that if there was any answer, this man with all of this wealth and prestige and power go on suffering?

No. There's no answer. Now I believe this medical man absolutely because I had no reason to question medical science. He was telling me, in effect, then you will die a violent and a sudden death. One of these times times when you're drunk behind the steering wheel of your automobile because you're uncured.

But yet I kept on struggling. I kept on fighting, hoping against hope that some way, somehow, in spite of what the great medical man had said, that I would save my life before it was too late. And about 2 years later, I woke from a drunken stupor and found myself prostrating in the back of a strange automobile. My pockets turned inside out and all of my baggage was gone. Now this has been happening to me with such regularity during the last 10 to 12 years of my life.

I should have gotten used to it. But there are 2 things that was humiliated me and embarrassed me, and that was to wake up in the drunk tank in the stinking jail, and to wake up and find somebody had rifled my pockets, and I didn't know who did it. And this would always renew my determination to do something about my problem. And so this morning as I lay there, I said, where shall I go now? What shall I try next?

I've got to find a way out. And I thought about some advice that a lawyer friend of mine had given me about a year before. Now he and I had something in common because he was my lawyer, and he loved to drink, and I loved to drink. Now the scale that I like to drink on, it cost more money than I was able to make honestly, and consequently, I was always doing something that the law enforcement officers found on, and consequently, I always had to have me a lawyer. And this morning, he was sitting in his house, sitting out of suspension for excessive drinking.

I had lost my job for excessive drinking. His wife had sued him for divorce and left town, and my wife had sued me for divorce. And so I was coming over to sympathize with him, tell him what a wonderful man he was. After all he's done for his wife, he leaves him just in the time of need. And then he reciprocated by telling me what a wonderful man I was and how unappreciative my wife was.

And, of course, I brought him half a pint of Hilton Hill whiskey, and we were discussing this over this half a pint of whiskey, and finally the subject of the problem of alcoholism came up. And so I said to him, I said, counsel, it seems to me that medical science should have advanced to the point where it could help people like us who seem to have a little trouble with alcohol. He says, you know, Ben, I've given that a lot of thought. You know, I've been having a little trouble with alcohol since 1927 when I was a senior in law school. It's after I got out of law school and went into practice, you see all of the trouble that I've had.

About half of my time, I have been robbed of the privilege of practicing the profession I love on the card of alcohol. Since I've tried every thing they spent money on, every cure that they, suggested to me, but nothing seems to help. And so then I begin to tell him about the various ways that, things that I read about in these articles about how they solve the problem. We discussed these, and I guess I must have said something about alcoholics anonymous because I think I read something about it during the time I was trying to find this self cure. Because I remember saying to him, I said, well, now listen, counsel.

They tell me there's an outfit called Alcoholics Anonymous that is supposed to help people. What do you think of it? And much to my surprise, he said, why Bennett is very good. I said, well, how do you know? He said, well, I was one of the original members in the Los Angeles area.

I said, well, do tell us. Oh, yes. You remember the time when I was drinking with that client there in the office? And when I come to, this client had disappeared with $500 of another client's money, and she was threatening to send me to jail and get me disbarred. And you remember my friends all got together and quieted her down and paid her money back, and I stopped drinking.

I said, yes, but I just thought she was afraid. He said, oh, no. They took me to Alcoholics Anonymous the next night. And says, you noticed my wife came back to me. You noticed my business picked up.

You noticed I was doing so much business. I had to hire those 3 lawyers, and I bought the 1942 Buick. I said, yes. Now see now, I'm not thinking about my alcoholic problem. I'm thinking about the economic advantage.

You see, you can always sell me a proposition where you can show me where there's some economic advantage in it for me. See, I never was the type of fellow that fear felt there was anything noble or wonderful about doing without these material things of life. I wasn't that way then. I'm not that way now. When you see me doing without material substance, then you can say, well, Ben is this other stage where he's trying to get it.

He's not not satisfied. And so when he was telling me about all of these economic gains, I was thinking about coming to Alcoholics Anonymous and killing 2 birds with 1 stone. I would raise my economic level, killing 2 birds with 1 stone. I would raise my economic level, and I would solve my alcoholic problem at the same time. And so we begin to drink there and finally, he said, now listen, Ben.

Now let me just a moment. She says, you're not drinking this booze right. Now you pour this gig of whiskey. I poured it. He said, now you look at your watch.

I look at my watch. He says, now you take at least a half hour before you finish that drink. He says, and from now on when you take a drink, always look at your watch first. Always take a half hour before you take a jigger, and you'll never have any more trouble with alcohol. This, he he says, is the way we do it in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And so for about a year before I came among you wonderful people, I was under the impression that I was working your program. Of course, I had the same problems, only more so. I went to jail just as often. My wife took me to divorce court just as often, but I never lost faith in the program. When I would wake up in Lincoln High State, I'll wind up in divorce court.

I wouldn't blame the program. I said, well, somewhere along the line, I took less than the required half hour before I took one of those breaks. And so when I awoke from this drunken stupor, and when I found myself in that prostrate, position that I described, before, I said, where shall I go now? What shall I try next? And I remember the words of my friend, the attorney, a man whose opinions I always respected very highly and I still do.

Alcoholics Anonymous, it is very good. And so I made the decision then to try AA. Now I didn't know anything about sponsors. I didn't know anything about the central office. I didn't know that all I had to do was make a simple telephone call, and that there were 1,000 upon 1,000 of people who had recovered, who would go to any length to help me with my problem if I was honest and sincere in my desire.

I didn't know these things, ladies and gentlemen. I only knew that any drink now will be my last drink. I only knew that for me to drink was to die. And so I searched around until I found out where a meeting was, and I went to my first AA meeting unsponsored and alone. And I got a wonderful feeling when I walked into the door.

A well dressed, sober, peasant fellow walked up and says, my name is. I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to AA. If you have an alcoholic problem, you have first time since alcohol had become an the first time since alcohol had become an actual problem with me that any human being had looked at me with eyes of understanding rather than eyes of condemnation and criticism, and this made me feel wonderful. And then he began to tell me a little something about his past life, and I could tell by the nature of his story that he had suffered as I was in suffering.

Then he'd say, and then I came to AA, and I have been sober for such and such a number of years. And I felt hopeful. I said, I found a way to save my life. I talked to several people, and they all assured me, they were hope, they were sober, they were happy. And I said, well, what is the how do you get cured here?

What is the solution? It's all we just follow 12 steps. I said, now, what are these 12 steps? Well, first, you admit your power is over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable. Now in my case, I was a member of AA for 2 years, and then I got drunk.

And I stayed drunk for 9 months. You know what I realized? I hadn't taken that first step. Then instead of going on to tell me what he was like, what happened, and how he got cured, he wanted to go back and tell me every revolting thing he ever did during that 9 months he was on his slip. To those of you who are new on the program, this is the only group of people that I've ever seen in my life who seem to get a fiendish delight out of telling what they used to be.

They always wanna go back and I moved from this fellow to a lady and I tried to find out how I get cured here. She says, oh, you just follow the 12 steps. Now my problem was I was in 8 months and I was trying to decide whether I should take a written inventory or an old inventory, and while I was trying to make up my mind, I got drunk, And then she wanted to tell me some stories, things that happened to her. But I said, now, I've found a way to save my life. These 12 steps in some way is gonna cure me.

And so I was listening with all ears when the meeting started and they read the 12 steps just as they read them here. Step 1, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanaged. I said, this is easy. I took this step many years before I came into AA when I had my first blackout. I realized I had a problem, but then it said, come to believe that a power greater than myself will restore me to sanity.

I was a little confused. And then when it said made a decision to turn my will and my life over the care of God, I found myself in a dilemma because I kept hearing them say, the you must follow 12 steps if you would obtain and maintain your sobriety. And as the steps went on, god this, god that, I became angry at your people. I felt that you misrepresented yourself because you placed me in an impossible position. You had said, on the one hand, you must be absolutely honest with yourself, and yet, you must follow 12 steps.

How can I, on the one hand, honestly turn my will and my life over the care of something that I don't honestly believe exist? Now I was born in the church parson. My father was a very distinguished minister. I used to say my prayers and say, God this and God that. At my first AA meeting, I realized by being honest with myself for the first time that in my heart, I never believed honest with myself for the first time that in my heart, I never believed I never believed that there was any such thing as a God.

And so I felt trapped. I felt that you'd fool me. I can't save my life now because I can't follow those 12 steps and still be honest. And so I went away determined never to come back again. And all that week, I tried to figure out where shall I go next, what shall I try.

And I found myself reluctantly coming back to my second meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I wasn't in faith. And I wasn't in hope. And I wasn't in belief. I came back, ladies and gentlemen, because I knew that any drink now would be my last drink.

I realized that week I'd been everywhere. I tried everything. I came back like a drowndard man grasping the first straw. I came back simply because I had no place else to go. And I bought the book and I read the book.

I read those stories. I said, this is ridiculous. I couldn't a allergy of the body, that is my body was allergic to alcohol. In that, when I drank, unlike normal drinkers, get normally drunk, I became insane. That when I took one drink, I I was compelled to drank myself into all kinds of troubles and and miseries.

This obsession is the mind. And yet there was nothing in those 12 steps that told tell me what pill I should take or what medical treatment I should submit myself to. But I kept coming, not because I believed AA would help me, not because I enjoyed coming to AA. I came because I was afraid not to come. See, I was a periodic drinker.

I said, well, maybe by being around these people, they won't cure me, but it will make my postpone the day when that awful feeling will come over me against this compulsion to drink against my will. And so I attended meetings like that for nearly 3 months, not understanding anything, not feeling anything, and after I attended meetings this way for about 3 months, a lady who had led the meeting that night came over to me and she said, what is your name? I said, my name is Ben Wyatt. She said, well, we noticed you're interested in what we're doing here. I said, oh, now you wonder why it was a group of 12 or 13 people that this lady didn't know my name.

Well, you see, as I said in the beginning, I had a very low opinion of you people. And when I found out I had to come to AA, I solved the problem after that first meeting because after that first meeting, you guys was around me singing the praise of AA. You follow me all out in the streets, and I'm afraid my friends will see me with these drunks. You see? So I said, but they're so friendly, they're so sincere.

I don't wanna hurt their feeling. I know how to solve this problem. As soon as they say the Lord's prayer, I get out of there. I don't stay for coffee time. And so that is why they didn't get chance to get sociable enough to know my name.

I said, now these are the type of people, they see nothing wrong. And these awful things that they did. They brag about what awful drunks they used to be. Now these are the type of people that will, think they obviously think they're on the same social level as I am. These are type of people who invite themselves out to my house, and then they'll be coming in and out of my house.

And what will my unreality. It never occurred to me that I lived in the same neighborhood for 12 years. That time without number, my neighbors had seen me lying in the gutter in front of my house, had seen me dragged out of the bed, drunk on the weekend for drunk and disturbing peacetime without number. This just never occurred to me. I said, no, I don't want these AAs to be coming to my house.

My neighbors will think I have a problem. The unfortunate thing about a practicing alcoholic, he's always the interested in what we're doing here. I said, oh, we noticed you have missed a meeting. We watched you grow, she says. And then I got the cue.

I had heard that approach. And then I said, said, oh, yes, madam. This is a wonderful program. I held my looked real holy, you know, and held my hands up. He has done so much for me.

I began an exhibitionist type of drunk. I'm an exhibitionist now. I I didn't go around the corner and get a bottle and we drink. I like to walk into a crowded bar and say in the deep voice, give everybody on that roll a drink and bring me the check, and then people will look up and who's that buying them? Mister Wyatt is buying them tonight.

Mister Wyatt is a great man. You see why I had to have a lawyer, it cost a lot of money to drink on that scale. And so I secretly sat back there and dreamed of the day when they would think I was worthy, and people would listen I had to say. Well, I've seen the approach. I know how they approach the guys when they were gonna let them speak, and I wasn't gonna spoil this opportunity by telling the lady the truth.

You better wait, madam. I haven't seen the lights yet. Nothing has happened to me. My wife is still going through with the divorce. Everybody still hates me.

People still turn into, has done so much for me. And finally, she has done so much for me. And finally, she said what I expected her to say, well, I think you're about ready to tell the newcomer what the program has done for you, and I'm gonna put you on my program when I have a meeting in Hawthorne. Do you think you could get together about a 5 minute talk and tell the newcomer what the program has done to you? For you, I said, oh, way, it's been so good to me.

I lied. And so the next day, I went down to the public library, and, I went into the department of philosophy and religion, and I walked up to the librarian. I says, madam, see a drunk, he always wanna be everybody on earth except himself. He's always an actor. I'm a professor now.

You know? Madam, I'm going to deliver a lecture on alcoholism in a few weeks. I'm a bum. I don't know nothing about AIDS. This is what I I don't know why we don't do things like that, and I wanna get the latest material on the subject.

And so she brought back 2 Pampers there, and I went back there to try to digest that stuff. But I found that my lack of understanding of those medical terms kept me from getting this great message that these great medical men want to convey to me, but I didn't give up. I went on over the speech department and I picked out a book called orations. And I looked through that book of orations till I found this what I consider the proper introduction. And I can remember that introduction verbatim.

It starts out, first, let me acknowledge your kind invitation and express the deep appreciation I feel at being asked to come and discuss with you on this most serious and solemn subject. This is a drunk. I don't know nothing about A. This is the way I'm gonna talk to you people who've gone through the valley of the shadow of death. This is the way I'm gonna approach you with my first thought.

But to me, that was beautiful. That was brilliant. And then I said, now what did I hear one of those characters in AA say, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I put that in there. Then I mixed a beautiful oratory about a page that said nothing.

And then I say, now what did I hear one of those characters in a a say, I was at the end of the line. All those drunks feel like that at the end of the line. And so I mix these cliches that I heard over and over in AA. Well, there's art towards it. I had 7 pages of the most beautiful AA talk you ever saw.

I love that thing so well. I memorized the word for word. You could have called me up a week before I was to make my debut in AA and say, Ben, what are you gonna talk about? And I said, ladies and gentlemen, I thank you without even waking up. I knew it that well.

And then came the day, then came my big moments, and the place was crowded. And finally, I heard a voice say, and now we have a new member on the program. He's doing a magnificent job. Yeah. You know how they do.

Ben Wyatt. And so I'm out of the roster and a funny thing happened, I forgot my speech. I couldn't even think of the words, ladies and gentlemen. This was the most miserable experience I've ever had in my life, either in AA or out of AA. And it was in the midst of this panic and in the midst of this fight, ladies and gentlemen, at my first talk at AA that I found this program, I heard a voice and recognized a voice as being my voice saying not what was on my written manuscript, but attempting to tell a story of my experience as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.