The Northern Plains Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Fargo, ND

Thanks. Good evening. My name is Kiersten Hovenen, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Kiersten. Due to higher power, good sponsorship in meetings like this, I haven't found a necessary drink since May 20, 97.

I am really nervous and, I'm gonna try my hardest to tell the truth. Lying lying is a huge character defect of mine. I it wasn't that long ago that I started not lying, and, it, I mean, it was like I lie when it doesn't matter. I lie about things that don't matter. And, like, I would do this.

This is alright. I'm just gonna fess up. I would do this. I would, like, Matt and I, let's say, we're at gas station, filled up gas, and he says go ahead and pay. So I obey, and, I run-in, and I pay, and I pay.

And here's what really happens. This is the truth. This is what really happens. I walk in. She says the amount.

I write my check and I walk out. And here's what I tell Matt happens because that was just too boring for me to just walk in and walk out. I tell him that, like, she said something about my car and then I went off and I told her and, like, blah blah blah. And, like, he finally caught on to it and he just say, no, you didn't. And and I'd say, yeah.

I didn't. And I and I and I do I lie about stuff stuff like that, but I'm trying now to when I do tell a lie, I say that was a lie and I'm lying. And, anyway, I, I don't know what I don't know what to say. I guess I'll talk about why I'm here. I, I I drank.

I grew up in a home that was like, totally normal. Like, I always say it was just like Little House on the Prairie and I swear it was. My dad was a pig rancher and, we had we had pigs and my mom taught school and she stayed home with us when we were little. And, I had everything that I wanted. I had a dog, a cat, I had a little brother.

He was okay. But we I mean, I always had the things that I wanted, like, we we weren't, like, real wealthy or anything like that. And, our house always had wheels, but that's no big deal. And, and we moved around a lot. Like, every 2 years, we would move.

And I always thought that that is my problem. The reason why I ended up in Alcoholics Anonymous is because my parents moved me every 2 years. I never had a chance to fit in. I never had a chance to just let them see the real me, and that was the last thing that I ever wanted to do was let somebody see the real me because it was it scared me. I didn't know what it would do to other people.

And, and so I would just I was a chameleon. I was a social chameleon. I would just, if you were into, whatever cars, then sure. I knew about that stuff and cars and blinker fluid and all that stuff. And, if you, you know and if you were in the, like, if you were a cowboy, I was into that.

If you were, fit in with the brothers. And, I, that was actually a goal of mine in college was to hook up with a brother. I succeeded. Mhmm. And, I, but that's but that's really how I like, just whatever you were I was.

And so when I got to AA, it was easy for me to play this part, and it was easy for me to talk the talk and say, like, everybody should have a sponsor, and we should go to meetings and do steps and whatever. And I would go home and be so sad. And I was such a I was so miserable all the time. And, but I'll get to that a little later. Anyway, so, I guess I should qualify myself in that.

You know, I did drink, and, I, it wasn't for very long. It wasn't like I was even out there for more than 3 years. I don't think drinking. It was long enough for me to be so miserable that I wanted to die. I mean, I just hated who I was.

I didn't know who I was, and I was so scared. Everything that I did, was because of fear of some sort. I would either do or not do something because I was afraid. And, I, when I drank, it was not it was not like you see on TV unless you're watching something. Anyway, but, I mean, it just was not social.

It was not like how my parents drink. My parents would my mom would leave half a drink once a year, on the counter and walk away from it. My dad would split a beer with one of his buddies sometimes, and I just, like, split a beer. You know what I mean? That's ridiculous.

I'll split a cheesecake with you, but I'm not gonna split a beer. There's a and so I didn't understand what that was. I thought that, like, that's how you're just supposed to drink. Anyway, I had an opportunity to drink as all teenagers do, and, I I liked it. I mean, it was just cool.

Like, I didn't at the time think, I'm gonna do this every chance I get for the rest of my whole life. I didn't think that. I just thought it was really fun and, like, and I liked the party scene. I like the attention. I, I always felt like I was really a homely, homely kid.

I just thought I was I was ugly. You know? I've always felt like I'm either too fat or I, just don't have the features or it's something. Anyway, it's always something. And that's how I feel sober.

I just do not feel like I measure up to anybody when I'm sober. I am either not smart enough. I, don't have enough money. I, you know, I don't know enough about anything to say anything, And so I just kinda shut up, and I sit there. And that's what I did through high school.

I was just the kind of the mute in class. And, I, I always got good grades. My mom's a teacher, and so, I was just, like, I have to do that. And I'm a perfectionist, and so, of course, I got good grades. And I, and I was so sad.

I was so sad. And I remember before I ever started drinking, I quit eating because I thought that that was my problem. I thought the problem is that I weigh too much, and I'm gonna stop eating. And I just mentioned having an eating disorder and struggling with that for so long because I know a lot of girls do. And, it's something that gets better anyway.

I, but I found alcohol and, that it was it really did work. It it I went from somebody who just felt kind of homely, like, my butt's too big and my boobs are too small, and I would drink, and I'm I'm not kidding. It was just like I instantly felt sexy. I mean, it was just like, look at me now. I can flaunt it.

I mean, it was just attitude all over the place, and and nothing had changed. I hadn't, like, gone home and changed clothes. Nothing like that. It was just my perception. It just made me feel like I could, walk up to a guy and flirt.

You know what I mean? Or flirt. It's not what I did. I just offered myself over. It was Sorry, Mike.

I'm trying to keep this as clean as I can. But that's what alcohol did for me. It was magic. It was absolutely magic. And, and, it worked.

It really did. And I graduated high school. I went to college because that's what you do if you're perfect. You go to college. And, that's such a stupid thing for me to think that, like, I was at ever perfect and then, like, laying in my own puke the next day.

You know what I mean? It's just like that's whatever. Anyway, I went to college and, I had fallen in love with, like, the first badass of my life. Like, I am attracted to guys that do not have their stuff together. I just, that really, but they always get better and I just love them.

And, that changes when you're sober though. Now I'm No. You didn't have your stuff together. I you know, I remember, like, I don't know why. I was just not attracted to the guys that would they would ask me out and they would, like, have a car, a job, good relationship with their parents.

They didn't carry weapons. They, you know, it was just like those guys would ask me out and I just think, you're so dull. You're just you don't have any nothing. And you would and and those are the guys that would always be like, don't you think you drink too much or don't you think you know, and I just didn't want that. And, so I went for the guys that were, no job, no car, no money, no future, no they did carry a weapon.

My father wanted to murder all of my boyfriends. And, that was really attractive to me. And I thought I don't know what I I wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder and she would have never married a guy like that, but but I did. I wanted that. So, so anyway, I I started getting in some trouble and my mom always blamed it on these guys.

So I did too. I thought if I could just find a decent guy, I would not end up in jail all the time, you know. And I wouldn't end up doing all these stupid stuff, and I was such a moron. I would like cover for these guys, and they're never gonna be there. You know what I mean?

Like, next week they're leaving with some other hoochie. And so, so I I went to college and they asked me to leave because I spent more time in the, Stutzman County Hilton than I did in class. And and so then I moved back in with my parents, and I was miserable. I had to go to these meetings. So I'd go to AA meetings and I'd and, you know, I'm that chameleon.

I can just I can tell you what you wanna hear, and I would say, I've been sober for so many days. And the first sobriety date I stuck to was November 23rd. I'm sure I was drinking by November 25th, but I stuck to that because I was gonna keep this lie together. You know, I was just gonna keep it together. And, I, I remember telling everybody that, you know, and I would and I would not I was not sober.

I couldn't be sober. I was I was so uncomfortable sober. I felt so gross sober. It was just like, oh, I couldn't even describe it. I was just, depressing.

I was depressing to be around, and that's why I'm sure that I would like, just like Heather, I've had depression and I'm bipolar and all of these other things, and I'm not any of that. I'm just an alcoholic. And, I where was I? So I'm going to these meetings and I'm lying to everybody. And, but I really dug the people at these meetings.

And, I got sober in Jamestown and I was the only girl, and that may have been a factor in why I dug them so much. But I, I really, but I really like them and I respected them. And I wanted to them to respect me in my miniskirts and crop tops. And, I, you know, I just I did though. I really wanted them to respect me.

I didn't know how to do it. I do not know how to live life on life's terms, and I do not know how to act like a lady. And I don't know how to have put my life together. I just don't know how to do it. And, I'd go to these meetings, and they say, get a sponsor.

Get a sponsor. And and, I remember I asked Chad to be my sponsor, and he said no. And so, and then he pointed me in the direction of a really cool lady, from Minot. And, I would get so mad. I mean, I was really, for me, sobering up was something or it's I never just got sober and got wonderful.

I mean, when people say, like, I got sober my whole life got better, and I was happy. No. I was not. I went I I got sober, and then instead of drinking, I either filled that gap with, food or men or something like that. Anything for instant gratification.

Somebody to make me feel better than I feel by myself instantly. And, that's exactly what it did for me. And, I, so I got the sponsor. Anyway, I have done everything wrong in Alcoholics Anonymous that that is if they if they gave me one suggestion for whatever reason, my life just took another turn, and I ended up doing it wrong or whatever. And they'd say don't date for a year.

And in the 1st week of my sobriety, I had a secret relationship. And, it was, it was like this. If you don't tell, I won't tell, and we'll just have so much fun together. And and I thought, you know, that's fair. That's fair.

Because a lot of times I think I, you know, I think that I just need how do I say same thing? I'm just gonna say it like I say it. Sometimes I would just think that, you know, I just need to get laid. That that is my problem. And I and I'm serious.

I say this because, like, because I've heard it so many times. Like, that's my problem. That's all I need, and that is so untrue. I never, that is never what I want. I always want a relationship.

I always wanna be loved and held and that's that's what I am. And, and I'm a stalker by nature, and I, I am. And, you know, I I did things like like this. Maybe you'll know if you're a stalker. And, I'm gonna I'm gonna write a book.

You know you're a stalker if, like, that kind of book. Anyway, you know what I mean? Like, you know, you you just, like, I would get to know his friends so that maybe I could ask him. So, you know, where is, so and so tonight? Do you know?

You know what I mean? Just, like, try and get to, like, weasel my way in the back door and I, or they say, well, I'll call you later. And so then I call them and I'm like, oh, I didn't know you'd be home. I was just getting your answering machine. Like, I'm totally checking on where they are, where they work, who they're with.

One time I made Erin go with me to a restaurant to check out a waitress because I was convinced there was something going on there. So anyway, but, I, so I got a sponsor and I would tell her that I'm fine. Things are fine. My whole life is great. And, I'd get off the phone and I'd cry.

And I would just think, why can't I get this? Why can't I why can't I understand what this program is all about? I mean, I and then they've done on me that I'm not even sober. So there's no I'm not gonna get it if I'm not sober. And, I think that, for me, using in my sub using while I was in the meetings was absolutely hard.

It broke my heart, and I would go, really? Okay. And I would, I'd go out, and I'd come back in. And, I'd I'd use and I'd see somebody in AA, and I'd feel guilty. And so then I feel guilty.

So then I'd use again, and then I'd see somebody again. And then, I mean, it was just like this vicious cycle, and then finally just one day, I got I just I don't know. Well, a lot of things happened, but I got sober. And I decided to move to, to Wahpeton and and then after I lived there a little while, I decided I need to move away. And but but, I got I conned Erin into moving in with me, and I didn't like her because she was pretty and the other guys liked her.

And so, I had her I had her move in with me, you know, befriend your enemies. And, so, but it turns out that I really did like her. And, we got evicted from low income in Washington. So So we had to move to Fargo, and, it has been, it's been such a journey. And I've, along the way, like, I've kind of started to get my stuff together, and, I tried a lot of things before I really tried what the big book says.

And, in the big book, it says there's a solution and it gives it to you. It, like, gave it to me. It just said the fellowship and, spiritual experience change of attitude pretty much do the opposite of what hasn't been working. And, like, 2 things. It's a solution.

It's in there, but no. No. No. There's gotta be so much more than that. I read all the self help books.

I did tarot cards. I did, you know, diets after diets. I did I mean, it was just like on and on because I could never accept that, like, I was truly like you. You know what I mean? Like, I do suffer from alcoholism, but mine is so much worse.

And I need to do I need to do all this extra stuff. Like, anyway, you will never find the cure in a self help book. You will never find the cure watching Oprah all the way. That is a good thing to do. And, and, yeah, I mean, you just it's not gonna be out there.

All the things that I thought were gonna fix me, like, if I had a boyfriend, I would be okay and I would get the sobriety thing. And if I had a good job and all this stuff, if I didn't have so many bills and all this stuff, I'd be fine, and that's not it. It's the fellowship and spiritual experience. It is so simple. It is so simple, and we make it so hard.

And, I, I read this thing on a bathroom stall this morning because because important people right on the bathroom stall. They need to be heard, you know. And, and it and it said, even if you fall flat on your face, you're still moving forward. And I thought that is so true because I've fallen flat on my face so many times and I've learned from it. And I have, I've been able to sponsor other women, and that's amazing.

I've learned so much. I think that that's where I've learned, everything about my recovery is when I give it away. And it's just so true that when they say you cannot keep it unless you give it away, you cannot keep it sitting at home reading self help books, trying to figure yourself out. The more I think about myself and my crappy life, the crappier it's gonna get. And the minute I get out of my head and try and help somebody else or try and at least just share a little bit of the miracle that I've been given, my life is just smooth sailing.

I just, I don't worry about anything. And, like, I was just talking to Aaron about this the other day. Like, I am starting to get it now. Now I'm starting to get it. I feel like it's kinda coming together.

I can kinda see the big picture. Like, 5 years later, I'm kinda starting to get it, and it's so exciting to get it. I mean, it's just, like, so fun. And, I, what do I have like? Okay.

You know, if I can say anything to the newcomer tonight, get a sponsor and believe them. I mean, if they're if they're active, if they're doing what they, if they do what they say they're gonna do and they are that where they say they're gonna be and they, are you know, even if they're not you know what I mean? Like, get a sponsor. Just get somebody. And, you know, puke your life onto them and you feel better.

And, you know, pick up new people. Don't say no to an AA request. I was taught that when I first came here, and it feels like that's, like, kinda down the crap or about. Like, I would say yes to everything, and there was a time in my sobriety when I thought I am done with this crap. I am done doing anything for anybody.

I am AA ed out. I am just done. And and, and so I did. I sat at home and I watched my TV and I did nothing. And I was so insane that I could barely get out of it.

You know? And, so doing less for me has never worked. And, I just need to some days I have to grin and bear it, and I some days I pick up the phone and I don't want to. And and I say yes to to to things I don't wanna do, and I feel so much better after I do it because that's just how this works. I cannot think my way out of my life.

I have to just take actions I don't believe in, and my life gets so much better. And if you have a chance to give it away, do it because you can't keep it unless you do that. And, enjoy it. I don't know. Life is just so cool.

I love it. And I love you guys. And, thanks for letting me share. Thanks, Mike.