The Northern Plains Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Fargo, ND

My name is Kenny Bud, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Kenny. I've been sober since July 27, 1996. That's definitely, due to the grace of God, solid sponsorship and fellowship of all you guys. I never really start off with a joke because I don't have any.

And those that I do have wouldn't be appropriate for up here, and I couldn't even remember them if I tried. So they're all back from when I was a teenager, you know, you know, like, you know, Pollock jokes and things like that. But, there are no Montana jokes. I don't believe in those. You know, sheep and all that other stuff.

But, I have seen more sheep in North Dakota than, Montana. And then I heard it was said that, it's because they're running scared. And so so whatever come back I have, it never works. I guess, I I definitely qualify as a, as an alcoholic. I don't believe it was because of where I was born or or where I grew up.

Maybe some of it, yeah, had to do with some genetics and different things like that. But I was a kind of a quirky kid. That's a new one for me. Quirky. I was kind of a goofy kid.

And, you know, growing up, it was a, you know, I was I was poll just like these guys. And, oh, thanks, Aaron, for asking me to speak, by the way, before I forget. But, yeah, I was I grew up poor, you know, food stamps and different things like that. And, you know, all your, tax dollars help feed me. Thank you.

And, appreciate that. My brother thanks you too from Montana. But, so I never really knew it though, you know, because there was always food on the table and different things like that. I had a, never really met my dad until I was 19. Had a stepdad from when I was 5 to 10.

He was a full blown alky, and, he liked to, you know, he liked to drink. And when I was 8 years old, I started drinking on a regular basis with him on camping trips. And I used to I I always thought when I was when I was early on, I thought, yeah. It's because he burned up all of his bridges. He he had to, he had to drink with me, you know, an 8 year old.

And I'm I'm telling you, an 8 year old cannot be that much fun to drink with, but, maybe a little entertaining. But but anyway, I was I was a really goofy kid and I was I was really violent and I would really just go ape over anybody. If if somebody looked at me funny, there was no with me, there was no pushing involved or any names like, what did you call me or anything like that. It was just I'd walk up and hit them, you know. And that's that's how I that's how I worked.

That's how my mind worked. And, you know, so I was the youngest one of the youngest kid well, the youngest at the time to get suspended from the Santa Barbara School District for getting in a fight, and and they told me it was enough fights. I was you know, I've been in too many, and I was always beating people up. And I was sitting on the bench a lot, you know. And it, you know, it wasn't because I didn't have any friends.

It was just because I was always getting into trouble. So they they suspended me from school and the principal walked me home. And I cried all the way because I wasn't gonna get Christmas cookies. I was thinking about me and, not about the ones I beat up. And then I would go home and and sit there.

And I find it kind of ironic because I was really violent, but then I remember the first time I ever cried at a movie, you know, and yes, men do cry at movies, just so you know. It was called the Christmas donkey and yeah. Yeah. And I didn't know what was happening. I had no clue what was happening.

I I was watching this Christmas donkey show, you know, when I was a kid. And the donkey is sliding down the hill all happy and the whole town's people are there. You know, there's this big goofy looking giant there and, you know, they're all happy. The donkey came home for Christmas or something. I just started bawling and I ran to my room.

My mom asked me why I'm crying, and I couldn't answer it. You know, I don't know why I'm crying. I don't know what's you know, this is a new emotion for me. I don't know what's happening here. You know?

I'm the tough guy. You don't understand. I go out and beat people up all the time and here I am crying at the Christmas donkey. And, you know, but that was really just a messed up kid emotionally and different things like that, and I love to lash out at people. You know?

I remember 3rd 4th grade, I was really goofy. I was, you know, it it was it was kind of crazy. I would rip people out of their seats and throw them over the chairs and pick up desks and throw it at them and stuff like that. In fact, I was I was such a violent guy that that, at the time, they would let me, just get up and walk out of the room and roam around the playground if I felt a little heated up because they didn't want me to disturb the class with no supervision at all. And, because they didn't know what to do with me.

And I I could walk around the class and do anything I wanted and and, you know, I just I just got away with everything. And then we moved again because we always moved. And then I started smoking weed about 11 years old. And so, you know, I was a I I started off early, and I really didn't get into a lot of, I really didn't get in any trouble with the law. My first run-in was before a Motley Crue concert.

Shout out to Devil Tour. It was Saxon. And, you know, I got I got busted for, you know, smoking pot. And I was 12 at the time. And they asked me my age, so I had to sound grown up.

So I told them I was 15. And I thought it would make some difference if I told him I was 15 because at the time, 15 was old, you know. And, but I you know, they let us they took the they took the pot and let me go and rock out to Montlakereux with my mullet. And, so so, anyway, eventually, you know, things in Santa Barbara. You know, my I was getting a lot of trouble and and so forth.

You know, we've my mom decided to make a change for the better, and and we moved to Plentywood, Montana. Now for me, that was not a change for the better. It was a change for the worse. I'm moving from a town of 250,000 people to a town of 1500 people. And, and when I moved there, I cried for a week, literally cried for a week.

It was the most terrible thing. I didn't know how to make friends there. Didn't know anybody. At at the time, I didn't know I had a had a problem with drinking. I just knew I liked it.

I liked it a lot. And, so anyways, as I got a little older, when I got up to 14, started drinking on a regular basis every weekend, partying it up. Because when I drank, something happened to me, and it was something it was a magical feeling I'd feel inside. It was like it would fix everything because like like I said, you know, when I was younger, I'd I would always feel squirrelly and different things like that. And somebody would look at me funny, and and I would think I have no clue that they're looking at the person behind me.

I'm thinking everything is directed at me. The whole world revolves around me. And when I drank, I knew the whole world revolves around me. You know, there was no doubt in my mind. When I walked into a party, it was, I'm here.

You know? Look at me. Wee. And everyone, hey. Hey.

Hey. You know, Kenny, how are you doing? Great. Great. Actually, it was Kenny Bud.

They'd always have to say my my whole name all the time. But, you know, so I thought I was mister popularity, but sure I was. You know? As a guy from California moving into a town of 1500 people, had a style and mullet and whole bit. You know?

And, yeah, you're gonna be popular if you got a mullet. And, and, you know, so hey. You know, so here I am enjoying life, parting it up. But, you know, I was I didn't like doing work and I didn't like school and I didn't care much for school because it interfered with things that I had in mind because I knew what's best. So when I was 16, I dropped out of school And during this whole process, I'm I'm drinking up a storm.

And, when I was 16, I dropped out of school. I figured, you know, I went to Job Corps, learned a trade, and, left and left 3 months later. And I always always would go back to Plentywood. And, Plentywood, Montana is is, it's like a death trap, the way I look at it. It really is.

There's no opportunity there. It's it's a complete death trap for me. When I go to Plentywood, I think it's gonna be alright, and I just screw it all up again. And, anyways, I'd go back to plenty of it and I decided I needed to go to treatment. I went to treatment, and it was it was the first and only time I ever went.

And at this time, I figured, you know, I have a problem with alcohol and I and and and something needs to be done. Plus, I burned up all my bridges and I need, I need some people to like me again because nobody likes me now and I knew it. And, so I went to treatment and sobered up, stayed sober for 3 months. And when I got out of treatment and when I left treatment, I left with the attitude that as long as I not drink, I will be okay as long as I don't drink. And so for 8 years off and on, that's what I strove for is is getting rid of the alcohol out of my life.

And I would get this every time I drank, my problems would get worse for some reason. I ended up I ended up living in Billings again when I was 18 or Billings when I was 18, parting it up, doing drugs. And, you know, there was a lot of things. I didn't have a lot of money because I I lost another job due to drinking because I knew they'd fire me. And so I just didn't go.

I just wouldn't show up for work. And, it was a good job. I was laying cable for a cable company to beehring it underground, and I worked there 2 days. And, I thought there was there was more opportunity in doing the drinking and the drugging, so I went off and did that. And but there were you know, just living in a in a drug house does not make you have money.

You know, there is no food, but there is a lot of drugs and booze and things like that. And, you know, so that's what I lived on. And and there wasn't even a lot of money to get booze. So what we'd have to do is the beer boogies, and most of them call them, you know, I don't know, beer joggers or I don't know. There's other goofy names for them.

We call them beer boogies. And, in the meantime, for cash, I would forge checks. And, so we're doing these beer boogies. And, you know, beer boogies were fun. You know, it was exciting.

You know, every once in a while for food, I'd grab a thing of Doritos or something as I'm leaving the store because we'd go in the back, grab a case of beer, walk up to the counter like we're gonna pay for it, and then boogie. And that's why they're called beer boogies. And then we jump in the car and take off and we get drunk and eat our Doritos or whatever I was able to grab off the the the counter or the stand. And one time we did a beer boogie in mid shift and, you know, I had this race car, a Ford Pinto station wagon. And, it's 4 cylinder, stick shift, one door that worked.

The that was the driver's side and I was the passenger, so we had to keep the window rolled down so I can jump through it. And, so we did a beer boogie with this. And, so I was run I was running and I and, we got into the car. I dropped a dropped a 12 pack of beer on the ground. I was pretty upset about that when I got in.

And, jumped in the car and we took off, and we're excited. We're like, rushing. You know? Like, yeah, I can't wait. You start drinking.

You know? And we go start drinking. Next thing you know, we got the lights behind us, and I'm like, oh, no. Cracking the beers, and I'm I'm just slamming them as hard and as fast as I can. And, because, you know, if I'm gonna get busted, I'm gonna I gotta at least get my fix in.

You know? And so I'm just slamming these bears as hard as I can, and we turn this corner. And I knew we were caught because as we turn the corner, I see a cop coming from underneath the underpass, one coming from over it and one coming from down this street and one behind me. So I take I take the rest of whatever's left out of this 12 pack and I throw it out. And, and then we You know?

We should have done a gas boogie while we were doing the beer boogie. You know? We should have done a gas boogie while we were doing the beer boogie. So, you know, they're searching for the empties because, you know, they knew that there was a couple cases. They seen that I dropped the 12 pack, and they were looking for this other one.

They couldn't find it. We drove around and looked for it and the lady tried to file assault on me. And then they took me up to, they took me up to the cop shop and started, you know, and talking to me about these beer boogies. And plus, they had a snapshot of my license plate and me forging checks. So they were asking me questions about this, you know, and I so I figured, you know, I gotta be honest here.

I gotta I gotta bust out and be honest with these guys. They know, you know, the hitch is up. So I start talking to them and I start explaining to them what exactly happened. But see, as I was explaining to them, the beer began to settle in and I started to get drunk. And, and as we as I sat there, I was getting more and more drunk.

And so about 2 hours passed by, and I've changed my story, like, 3 or 4 times. And they finally got sick of me and sent me off, you know. And I was trying to be honest, but, you know, I couldn't even be honest. You know? I was jeez.

So, anyway, I took off I took off back to Plentywood, you know, safe harbor, and go to go to Plentywood and sit up there and, decide I was gonna go back to treatment. Somebody told me about about God. I became a born again Christian, and 6 months later, I'm off to be a minister. And, now see, the ministry for me, I was cured of alcoholism as as most of you know. I was I was cured of this disease and so I thought and that I I don't have to worry about anything now because now I'm cured.

You know, I literally thought I was cured. But you see, as as I was going on, I I I knew I was I had a lot of I've done a lot of bad things and messed up a lot. And, but see, towards my 2nd year of being a studying to be a minister, I I began to realize something that I was God and you were all going to hell. Now I would never outwardly speak that, but inwardly, I knew. I didn't actually think I was God.

I knew I was anything but that, but I sure did act like him. And, you know, because I knew everything, you know nothing. And I started drinking again and, you know, god, he does I as far as I know, he doesn't drink, so that kinda blew that one out. And, so I started drinking again. And I I I celebrated my, 20 21st birthday.

And and, 6 months later, I I'm trying to sober up again. And in the meantime, a lot of a lot of different things happened in there, and moved moved in and out of some places. But, see, this whole time, I would I would go to AA. I I had a sponsor. I would show up to his house drunk and, stay the night at his house in Wahpeton.

And and then I would leave the night after that, and I would go get drunk and come back and say, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I can't do this thing. You know, as I'm drinking, I can't do it. And, you know, and I and I didn't know what to do. I had no clue.

I'd come to AA and I I had hadn't had the foggiest of what to do. I the only thing I knew about AA is if I sit here long enough, then maybe some, maybe I'll get something out of this thing. But I didn't know what was going on here. You know, people laugh and people would, you know, enjoy act like they're having a good time and things like that. And and I and I I was like, yes.

It's great, but it doesn't work for me. You don't understand. And, see, I have a problem with I have a problem with alcohol, so I need to get this out of my life. So every time I'd come to AA, I think, you know, I got this problem with alcohol. I gotta get it out.

I can't I gotta stop drinking. I gotta stop drinking. And so I went into this main stop drinking mode. And in the meantime, I, you know, I I had some blackouts, and I ended up in, like, Sioux Falls, South Dakota on a blackout. So do we drinking on a Tuesday in Minot, woke up on a Thursday in a Super 8 hotel there.

Didn't have foggiest idea how I got there. And, you know, but that's that's how I drank. And, by this time, my drinking it wasn't it wasn't all steady. It was choppy. You know?

I would I would I would have some period of sobriety and I'd go to meetings and try and get something out of it, but I didn't know I didn't know what I was looking for. I tried the god thing. That didn't work. I tried AA. That didn't work.

And and so there I sit at a bar stool with some guy named Fred. We talk about how AA doesn't work as we're getting drunk. You know? And that that was that was how I did it. I I was I didn't know what to do.

I had no clue what to do. And and I also didn't realize really how bad off I was. You know, I I knew I had a problem with drinking, but that's all I would admit is, yeah. I have a drinking problem and that's it. And, if I again, you know, if I could just get rid of it, I'll be fine.

And eventually, during the interim, I got married and had a we had a kid, and I was still pulling these same games. I was still drinking, you know, every once in a while, losing jobs, you know, trying to support a wife and a child on, on some tidbit income, going to school and really not doing much with it and, and, you know, being just being petrified. I remember going to school and I would sleep I wouldn't go to class for, like, 2 or 3 weeks. You know? And I'm like, gosh.

I gotta get to class. You know? This is insane. And so I would walk up and I would look into the window and all the people were sitting there and, like, I can't walk in there. They all know me.

They all see, where has he been? You know? Because the world revolves around me, and that's what I think. And the only thing to get rid of that yucky feeling in revolves around me, and that's what I think. And the only thing to get rid of that yucky feeling inside was for me to drink.

That was the only thing that would ever get rid of that nut feeling that I would get in my gut. And, I ran into this guy on campus. I went to a few meetings in, Minot and I ran into this guy on campus, Jeff V. We sat there talking a little bit and he invited me to a meeting. So I went to a meeting and I heard him speak, and, it was the first time I ever heard anybody speak of, of the way they felt and, and that meant a lot to me because, I would always hear when I go to meetings, I'd go to meetings like in Billings and in Plentywood, you know, and even in my night, I would hear I would just hear talks of, you know, and I drank a lot and I wrecked a lot of cars, and now I'm sober.

You know, and that's what I would hear. And I'm like, I don't know. Well, so do I. I mean, big deal. You know?

But then when I heard this guy speak, you know, he spoke about how he felt. He's he talked about the same gut feeling that he would feel and how miserable he would feel and how drinking would actually make him feel better. And I I identified with that. And so I got him as a sponsor and he started, you know, he started having me take a few actions that that I didn't wanna take. You know, first of all, I could never shake anybody's hand coming into AA.

I was scared. I, always you know, I I don't know why. This one particular day, I wore a hat, and I never really liked wearing hats. And you would think that I'm bald because I wore a lot of hats, and that's not true. I always like wore I I wore this hat and it was it was greasy, you know, because I was doing tractor tires or something.

I can't remember what job I was doing. And, I, you know, and I had this holy shirt and these shorts on and sandals, and I came to the meeting. And he goes, Kenny, come here for a second. And I go over there and he goes, what are you coming here looking like Sanford and Son? And just chewed me out.

You know? And all I can think is that Sanford and Son show. You know? It's like, I do not wanna live that way, you know, in a junkyard. And, but I never did.

I I never again showed up looking like Sanford and Son. Because, see, I cared what this guy thought about me. I actually cared and I actually had respect for him. And so he gave me suggestions, shaking hands and different things like that, and I didn't know what these were. Get a job in your home group and things like that.

So I remember doing chairs and so forth, you know, and I and I would do this job, and I never knew really why he was having me do these things, but I was doing them anyway, you know, because I I finally started feeling part of something. And, and I would and every once in a while, I would slip. I'd have a slip and drink again. But see, even this whole time, I'm thinking, you know, just as long as I get rid of the alcohol, things will go okay. So when he would give me a suggestion that really meant, you know, when my when my gut said, no.

You don't wanna do that. And, and he's saying, yeah, you do, I would always do my gut. Because see, I I always make decisions based on how I feel. And, in fact, every major decision that I that I made in my life previous to coming to AA and sobering up is based upon how I feel. You know, I don't feel like they're doing that.

I, you know, that makes me feel funny, so I'm not gonna do that and, you know, different things like that. And, so he gave me some suggestions. I didn't follow him. And I decided, you know, these big money problems. I need to take care of them.

So I need to get a good paying job right now. But, these big money problems. I need to take care of them. So I need to get a good paying job right now. But see, my idea of a good paying job is the ads that you see in the paper, work 4 hours a week, get paid 70,000 a year sitting on your couch reading the paper.

And, that that was my ideal job. So I was always looking for it, you know. So and it never came. But, see, I was thinking you well, I will never get this thing until I get this other stuff taken care of in my life. I've got these financial problems and I got these school problems and all this debt.

I gotta get this stuff taken care of because I'll never catch on to this. And, and I never took care of it right away. It never happens, but I would I would seek any way I could because, see, now I can manage well now that alcohol is out of my life. So I can make my own decisions. And, you could find give me your suggestions, sponsor, but but I tell you what, if it goes against what I really think, I'm not following it and that's what I thought.

I would never outwardly express that, but that's what was going through my mind. And, he would say, can you do this? Okay. You know, and as he's walking around, I whatever. You know?

I gotta do that. And, so anyways, I I had a I some bright horizons came up, so I moved to Plentywood. And in Plentywood, you know, by this time, I'm a couple years sober now. And, and and I knew at the I knew at this point in time, it's either if I drink, I'm a dead I'm a goner anyway. And, so the only option that I always played with in my head was my last chance out, and that was just kill myself.

You know? Why not? Nobody else would really So, anyway, I met this guy named Ben in Plentywood, Montana, and this guy saved my life. And, he, he was he was a drunk. He's an alcoholic.

He's definitely one of us. He asked me to sponsor him, and so I I got the keys to the clubhouse up there. And and we met there one time, and, and that was the only time we ever met. And the other times well, the other times we met, I was on one side of the bar serving him drinks, telling him how he should stay sober. And that's what I would do.

I, you know, I ended up tending this bar, you know, tending in the bar and and, watching people drink and, knowing knowing that if I took a drink, it's not gonna help matters any. So either something needs to change in my life or I'm gonna kill myself, one or the other. I'm not gonna drink because I know what's gonna happen. And, anyway, we the state roundup came to came to Williston, and so I decided to go there and talk to Mike, Mike h, got him as a sponsor, and, things change. I I moved to, move back to Minot and took my whole family with me again and got a job, not making a lot of money.

But I'll tell you what, I was willing. I felt what, I felt what pitiful and, demoral demoralization meant to me. And it was the most painful thing I've ever felt in my life. And I thought about suicide every day probably for the first three years of my sobriety, every single day. It it was just in the back of my mind.

I remember going up to Mike and saying, I didn't think about sobriety today or not sobriety, but suicide today, you know, things like that. And I I remember just telling him I was excited and, you know, because it's the first first time I never actually toyed with it in my mind. And, he would have me take these suggestions I I just didn't wanna do. But I was at such a low point in my life. I if he would have said jump, I would have said how high you want me to jump.

I was I was willing to do anything to to get something because by this time, I knew alcohol just wasn't my problem. I knew I was the problem. And this whole entire time, I was thinking alcohol was a problem. This whole entire time, I was trying to get something out of AA, but I never tried to put anything into it. And, so I realized, you know, I've got a problem.

You take alcohol away and the problem gets a lot bigger. And, because now I don't know how to deal with this stuff. And the only way I know how to deal with difficult situations in my life prior to prior to getting active in AA was by drinking. Ignore it. You know?

Hey. If I ignore this problem long enough, they'll somehow the bills will pay themselves. Who knows? I don't know. And, but that's what I thought, you know.

And but he had me take action. He had me he had me do certain things in my life. You know, like I would I like I say, I'm making hardly anything at this job, you know. Gosh. You stick it out.

You stick it out. You stick it out. And, you know, you stay there. It'll it'll turn around. It'll turn around.

And you need you need to work with people. You know? You're not gonna be able to keep anything AA has given you if you can't give it away. And he would tell me things like that, and then we would get to this God thing. And now see, God doesn't work for me because I already tried to be a minister, so God doesn't work for me.

And I remember sitting there and I would pray, God help me. God help me. And, and I would pray and I don't know what I was expecting if, you know, people coming to my door to help me or something. I don't know. But he would ask me to he would say, if if you're gonna pray, you gotta you gotta take action.

You know? You know, I would say, God, help me be of service. But it's you know, I learned that if I'm not willing to be of service, then, you know, praying to be in service. If I don't put myself in a position to help somebody, you know, my praying to help somebody really doesn't do much. You know, it's it's if I don't if I don't put myself in a position to get help, then it really doesn't help for me to pray for help, you know.

So I I found that I I needed when I prayed to God that I needed to take action based on what I what I asked of him. And, you know, so I I learned that this whole thing decision, I need to act on it. I just can't sit here and think, you know, I'm going to say something, I'm going to say something, I and if I make a decision, I need to act on it. I just can't sit here and think, if I make a decision, I need to act on it. I just can't sit here and think that my problems are going to fix themselves.

No. They're I'm going to have to work at it. And recovery, I had to work at it. And I and I used to think that while everything should be handed to me on a golden platter or something, but I had to work at recovery. I had to take actions that I didn't believe in.

And and at at the when I first sobered up, that I didn't believe in. And and at at the when I first sobered up, I didn't wanna do it. I didn't because I thought it was too much work because I always want the easier, softer way. You know, you make me work. I mean, I can't even hold down a job for crying out loud.

You want me to work at myself? You wanna work for me? I can't work on myself. You know, he had me take this inventory. And and by taking this inventory, I found out, you know, I'm wrong and I'm dead wrong in everything.

You know, I hold resentments and I let these resentments just control every facet of my life. And not only that, but they're fueled by fear. I'm I'm scared. I'm scared of what you think. I'm I'm I'm afraid of I'm afraid of not paying my bills.

I'm afraid of everything. And I and I will make a decision based on that fear. And what and the problem is is when I make a decision based on the fear, I end up hurting somebody else as well as myself. And, but I I learned through listening to to my sponsor to at least able to identify these things in my life. You know, these things are still in here.

You know, I still have a lot of fears in here and, you know, and my life is not is is not perfect, but I I I have been given the tools in AA to deal with it, not to run away from it, to actually face its you know, face life square on and and deal with life as it is. And, and I've learned that, by giving this thing away to other people is the biggest joy you can ever get out of AA. If you're new tonight, definitely get a sponsor. He'll show you what to do or she, will show you what to do if you have no clue what you're doing here. And, if you if you need help, you're at the right place.

Just keep coming back as it works. Thanks.