The topic of judgement at the Men Among Men's Groups 3rd annual conference in Reykjavik, Iceland

Name is Kelvin Downs. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Kelvin. So today, grace of God, miracle of alcoholics anonymous, excellent sponsorship. I've been sober since October 10, 1996.

And for that, I'm truly grateful. Tell you that I've been asked today to to share a little bit about a little bit with you about judgment. A little bit with you about how I've about how I've seem to have found a solution for that judgment, how I've been able to to do a few things through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, through some specific actions in Alcoholics Anonymous, to have found relief from something that that I believe kills people like me and Alcoholics Anonymous. I I don't know about anybody else, but I'm the kind of guy that if if I'm gonna be up at 7 AM, my mind gets up about 2 hours prior to that, and it's already running by the time 7 AM hits. And my mind does more than just run.

It does push ups. You know? I mean, that thing's out there, and it's working. I mean, it's ready to go. And by the time 7 AM hits, I am swimming by the time my eyes open.

And it's one of those funny things that happens with me. Usually, when it starts running in those 2 hours, it's a reel of my day before and what I should have said to those people. I'm the kind of guy that that even into my twenties, I would think about in fights I got into in 3rd grade. You know? I'm that guy.

I think back to what I should've said to that guy and what I really should've said, and maybe she wouldn't have ignored me if I'd have said this. You know? I I constantly think of things like that. And I'm the I go back to situations. And I'm and I'm the guy who replays the situation over and over.

It's like a it's like one of those it's like when you got a bad record and all it does is skip skip skip. That's what it's like up here with me. And what happens to a guy like me when I get into that type of mind frame, when I get into that type of movement where things just seem to keep skipping and skipping and staying in the same spot, I tend to focus on them. And when I tend to focus on something, it's like a microscope for me. And I get in and I will look at the smallest and tiniest detail.

The problem is is that when you're sober, you don't have any anything to blame that on. See, I could blame it on other stuff, you know. When you've done so much speed, you wanna tear everything apart and find out how it works, you know. I do that without the speed only it's your it's it's you and your program. You know?

I'm just like, oh, there's this guy who does this. Of course, he's of course, he's miserable. He's not working with enough newcomers. He needs to do it like this, you know? And I get in there and I just start tearing apart your program, and I'll tear apart everything about you.

I'm I I am in the doctor's opinion, it describes the phenomenon of craving that happens, and I talked about it last night, that happens when I take a drink of alcohol. This this reaction happens within my body that causes me to just keep going on that deal. No matter what, I don't seem to be able to put the drink down once it's in my system. I have the phenomena of craving of judgment. That happens with me.

As soon as I and it starts off with something small like, what a jerk. And then from there, I'm sitting there in the middle of middle of the room one night rocking back and forth going, why doesn't anybody like me to hate? I wanna die. You know? And that's where it takes me.

And it starts in very small pieces because, see, in my mind, my judgment becomes resentment. My judgment is fear. All of those things, my character defects seem to be tied directly to my judgment of other people, other programs, other types of Alcoholics Anonymous. My judgment seems to be attached to every aspect of my life, And I didn't know how to be rid of this judgment. My sponsor calls it the judgment machine.

And it's funny because through the process and the steps that I'm gonna get into in just a just a few minutes here of what I did to to really effectively go in and try to dismantle this thing, it's really a funny deal because I went through some serious, serious work on that. Got into it heavy and just dismantled this thing and then went forward. And then I ran into my I went down and saw my sponsor speak in in Nebraska about 4 and a half months after I'd really done some serious step work on this. And what had happened was, as I was going this way and moving forward, I didn't realize somebody snuck behind me and put that machine right back together when I wasn't looking. So I'm out here doing all this stuff moving forward.

I'm like, I'm not judging. Not again. I've already done that judgment thing. It almost killed me. There's no way I'm gonna do that again.

And I'm out here and I'm going, you know, those other people in AA and any time I'm starting to refer to people in AA as those other people, it's because I pulled myself and separated myself from them generally. And I tend to do that in all areas of my life because there's a peace within me that is so sick that really honestly believe it believed it for for an amount of time that my way of doing AA was the only one. And and if you would just understand that and do AA like me, we'd all get along, You know? And then we wouldn't have this problem. You see?

And what I was telling telling you guys last night a little bit, my sponsor gives out these awards every year. We get we all get together with him and in December, and and he does this award thing every single year and and and and it's funny awards. I mean, the guys who have, like, the biggest problem with this, they get one thing and, you know, and one guy had a bad problem with relationships. So, you know, I think Bob gave him, like, some kind of pill that would kill his sex drive or something. And, I mean, just just terrible stuff.

I got the Bill Wilson award last year. That's not a prestigious award. It isn't like the person who's done the most to help people in AA. It's the person that actually believes that he's Bill. That's that's the word I got, and it's a mask of Bill Wilson.

So what you don't understand is I've been holding this Bill Wilson mask up behind my body. So anybody that would see a picture of that would be like, man, Bill's been working out, you know. And Tannen. So it's it's one of those deals where I I get this award and it's and it's one of those sick sick sick pieces of me because in order to really honestly get an award like that, you have to do certain things. Some of the things you have to do is believe in the fiber of your being that AA would die without you.

You have to believe in the fiber of your soul that no matter what, they would never be able to replace the impact that you've had on Alcoholics Anonymous. You have to honestly think that as you sit in AA conferences that you're not asked to speak at, how much better the conference would be if you were speaking there. And you have to honestly believe beyond the shadow of a doubt, no matter what, that if Bill really would have been thinking correctly, he'd be doing AA just like you. That's what happens to me when I'm stuck in judgment, and it's a sick, sick thing. And when I say it's sick, the reason why it's so horrible is is because I'd never saw it coming.

I was walking right out of Alcoholics Anonymous and didn't even know it. And it's funny, my my sponsors use this analogy of of you don't know you have the wallet. And I love that analogy because for me, it's like I I reached I reached down on your seat, and I picked up your wallet, and I'm holding it in my hand. You know? And you're looking at me like, dude, you got my wallet.

And I'm like, I ain't got your wallet. You know, no. It's right there. What's right there? And I am oblivious to the fact that I have now stolen your possessions.

I have now taken from you. I'm completely I don't even know I've got the wallet. I don't even know it. I don't even know I'm judging when I'm doing it. What I think I'm doing is being helpful.

I think that by me coming up to you and saying, listen man, you should really get into this aspect of the steps. And these newcomers over here, what why don't you go talk to one of them, please? We can you do that for me? That guy over there, he's lonely. He needs your help.

You know? I think I'm being helpful. What I'm doing is saying, your program sucks. You should do it just like I'm telling you to do. And I don't understand that.

I don't understand how I do it. I don't understand why I do it. I don't understand anything because I'm stuck in the middle of it, and I'm and I'm I can't see it. I can't look in the mirror and see myself as this judgmental person because my intentions are good. My intentions are always good.

So what happened to me was is and I touched on a little bit last night. I had separated myself from Alcoholics Anonymous in a very, very bad way. I have this home group that I'm a member of, and and that group is full of a lot of amazing, dynamic, wonderful members of AA. The problem is is they're amazing, dynamic, wonderful members of AA who didn't do AA just like me. So what happened is is no matter what they did, it was never good enough.

I'm the guy that if I I want a pony for my birthday and I get the pony and I'm upset because it's not the right color, you know, or because you guys brought me one of those little Icelandic ponies to throw me off, you know? I'm upset because you gave me one of them. I didn't say what kind, you know? I want a great big one with the western saddle with a horn you can hold on to, because there's nothing there to keep you you you guys know what I mean. Those saddles aren't comfortable, especially when you got a butt as wide as mine.

Like, one cheek goes on on them. I mean, those things are small. They're like for kids, you know. And I and I got this problem with it because nothing seems to be good enough for me. And no matter and what happens is is when you live a life where nothing is good enough, you live a life unfulfilled.

And you live a life where you become miserable even when you're doing well. And the problem with a guy like me is I'll tell you guys a story, and this is absolutely terrible. The first time I go to Las Vegas sober, is to go, go go out there doing New Year's Eve in 2004. And and I'm going out there, and in the Las Vegas airport, if you guys ever get a chance to go there, you come down from the plains and you get this little entry level. And there's a picture of this huge horny toad out there.

I mean, this thing is gigantic, and it's got and and but it looks just like the real thing. And I see this horny toad and I and I'm looking at it and I'm like, I wanna get a picture with this thing. You know? There's a part of me that always wants to have a significant snapshot of everywhere I've been, you know. Because I think I'm very photogenic.

And and I'm and I'm going through and I'm gonna do this deal with this pitcher with this horny toad, and I'm excited and I'm ready to go. And I'm like, yeah. And I grabbed the guys and I'm like, let's go get pictures. And they said, man, we'll get it on the way out. Let's just let's just go get our bags and get moving.

And I'm like, alright. Alright. You know, we'll get it on the way out. So I go through and we spend this almost week in Las Vegas, and we come back out, and we're going back to the airport, and you gotta go right back up those same escalators. And here's a horny toad.

Now what has happened is is me, this guy sponsor, and these other 2 guys at an AA that I know, were sick of spending time together is what happens, you know. I mean, I I'm I miss my wife and I'm sleeping next to these guys, you know, and they stink, you know. And it's just it's just bad. And we're getting there and I go, hey. It's picture time.

And they go, no. And they go up the escalator. I threw a fit like a child in the middle of the deal. And I start the things that I'm thinking, I start saying and I'm go, who got all the tickets? Me.

I'm the guy who went online and booked everything. You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me. And I start outwardly judging all of them and I'm just like, and I just lose it. And you should see all the little people scattering, you know. I mean, like these little and I'm not being, you know, racist or anything, but these little Asian couple was like I mean, they're like 52.

And they were just like, oh. And they just take off running the other way and people are scattering because the wake of me is on. And I am and I'm just sitting there and I'm tearing it apart. And I'm and I get on the phone. Now I just left my sponsor an hour ago.

And I'm in there and I'm like, these SOBs, they won't listen and blah blah blah. And I'm just losing my mind. And he and he sit there and he goes, oh, so they won't do what you're telling them to do? I'm like, if these people would just quit putting themselves in a position to be harmed, we wouldn't have this problem. I don't understand where that comes from.

The good thing is is today I know where it comes from. Just sometimes I don't wanna look at it. And the better thing is is that today I know that I have a solution for these things. See, I've always had this problem with my family. I grew up with a bad problem growing up with my family.

And I had this resentment and I had these judgments against my family that every year when I would go home for Christmas, we'd spend maybe 45 minutes to an hour together. And at the end of that time, the 45 minutes to an hour, I would either be fighting with my brother, arguing with my mother, or disrespecting my dad in some way, shape, or form, no matter what. See, I'm the fly in the ointment. I'm the guy I'm the guy that just doesn't play well with others. I was talking about that last night.

I don't know I don't know how to interact with these people, and they're good people. But see, I judge them, and I tear apart exactly who and what they are, and I use that against them to feel superior. When you feel as bad as a guy like I do feels when you're like that, you have to find a way to boost yourself up above what else everybody else is doing. So what had happened was is is I went through and I I grew up, and there there was some physical abuse. And I hate talking about stuff like that from the podium, but it really ties into this.

There was some physical abuse, and there was some emotional abuse, and there was there was things that you just you just don't wanna talk about, things you just don't wanna go through. And I used that against my parents. See what happened is, a guy like me, I go through and I start doing that kind of stuff, and I looked at him and I went, look at you. You're terrible. You're absolutely terrible people.

And I would turn around and treat them in that same manner. And I got into pages 66 67 in the big book of alcohol. It's anonymous with my sponsor. And there's there's there's some parts there that tie into the resentment section. And he really used that resentment section with me because my judgment seems to tie directly to it.

And what I have what I was able to do is I was able to go in on those pages and I was able to really look at a few things. And the few things that that really that really brought to me was it says, though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. Well well, last night when I was telling my story, there's a part of my story that's terrible. And it's a part towards rate rate rate as I'm getting ready one night to kill myself because I just grabbed my daughter and screamed in her face and shook her and made her terrified of me. And because 2 days later, I grabbed my wife for screwing up the toilet and I threw her across the bathroom.

See, what I didn't remember was is during that time in my life, that's the first time I've ever laid my hands in a woman, ever in my life. I did sober. And the reason why that was so terrible is because my parents were in a lock knock down, drag out fight one day, and I stepped between them, and I threw my dad into one room, and I threw my mom into another room. And I looked at them both, and I told them they were horrible parents, and I'd never be like them. And that judgment came full circle, and I had to see myself as them.

And to see myself as who those people really had become. And who they had become was 2 people that that that had this sun in their lives that was tearing them apart. That had this this this kid that acted out and acted horrible to people all the time. I was disrespectful. I was arrogant.

I was constantly in fights. I was constantly in trouble with the police. I was constantly getting threatened to go here or there. I was I had people looking for me. I'm getting into to really, really bad stuff with the wrong people, and my family just wants to have their son back.

But instead, what they've gotten is a demon that has been unfortunately placed in their lives to destroy them. And I always looked at it as their fault. I always looked at it as them. And the thing that popped into my head was when I really looked at it, when I really looked at how I'd been judging my family for all these years for not being good enough, for not being loving enough, for hitting me too much, for being for for not understanding and and giving me hugs more because loving hands don't hit. You know?

Instead of me really instead of them not giving me those things I thought I really needed when I really looked at who I was, what ended up happening was, as I looked at I looked and I just started to cry, and I went, god, I'd beat me too. I woulda. Because they were so frustrated with what I'd become. And it's funny because I'm the guy that looks for the pieces in you that I hate in me, and then I judge you for having them. I'm that guy.

So if you're a little arrogant, I'm like, can you check this guy out? How arrogant this jerk is? You know. I don't realize that I'm looking in the mirror. You know.

The mirror of my soul. Because that's what's inside of me. Did you see that guy over there? Did you hear how judgmental he was being? You know, I pick it up in other people in a minute, you know, but I can't see it in me.

And I will I will the things that I I guarantee you, the things that that you really don't like in other people, take a real good look at yourself. I mean, seriously. Everything that I seem to not like about somebody, I seem to find in me. I seem to have a piece of me that has judged myself away from the separation between me and you. I seem to place a block between me and you.

The problem with me placing a block between me and you at the same time I place a block between me and god at the exact same moment. Because see, my direct relationship to him starts with me being able to work with you and get along and help his kids. See, I can pray all I want over and over and over again. If I don't do anything, it's just empty words. Because I have to take an amount of action in order to be able to correct my thinking, correct correct what I do to hurt to hurt and harm others.

So I go through and I start doing a lot of this kind of stuff and the thing that ended up happening for me was is I realized I wasn't treating God's kids very well. I wasn't treating you very well. And I wasn't treating my wife very well. And I wasn't treating my daughter very well. And I wasn't treating anybody that got close to me very well unless other people were watching.

See, I look like a great guy when I'm out in public, but you get me behind closed doors and I turn into a monster because I don't think anybody's really watching. And I intimidate people enough to make sure they're not saying anything. And the problem with me being like that is is that I spent a lot of time not understanding how I was right there. I spent a lot of time not understanding how I could be doing all this action in AA, answering the phone at 2 in the morning, getting involved in general service, sponsoring people, going to conferences, speaking at conferences, doing anything and everything. When you go in and people live on the 3rd floor and you're helping them move that heavy, that those heavy sofas that have the beds in them, you know, sofa sleepers.

When you're doing that and not even getting paid for it, I wonder how I'm sitting there. Because see, the thing that I didn't talk about last night is is that I got to the point on the outside in the Alcoholics Anonymous, I looked really good to a lot of people. But when you're like that and you're doing things like that in your home and you're hurting people like that physically, verbally, the thing that's terrible is is I ended up sitting down on my den that night, spinning the revolver on my 357, wondering if I should kill myself. When you're 8 years sober and active in Alcoholics Anonymous and doing everything you're asked to do, why do you wanna kill yourself? That makes no sense.

Why are you sitting there thinking that AA would be better off without you and your family would be better off without you at the same moment that you believe that you're God in the middle of the whole thing? How can that how can those two things exist at once? They exist at the exact same time with me because I forgot about one of the most important rules in Alcoholics Anonymous. I need AAA doesn't need me. I need all of you people.

I need the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the action within the books and the action within the steps, and all of those things. I need them. They don't need me. Because I'll guarantee if I fell off the face of the earth tomorrow, there'd be somebody that would be doing a job, doing everything that I do in AA, and probably doing it better. And that's just the honest truth, which is a significant change in my mind.

You see, when I think that I become so important that nobody else in AA can do my thing as good as me, I've got a real problem. I've got a real problem. And when I sit there and I think, you know, if I could just go through and just change a few things in the book the way they really should have been meant to say, then everybody would understand it more. You know? So I I think I'll just do that.

You know? And and I'm sitting there trying to come up with a way to change the way some of the stuff is done in Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're doing that, you're in a bad spot. If you're anything like me, maybe you're just one of those people that is great great in literature or something and you wanna just make it more grammatically correct or something. You know?

I wanna change the steps so that they glorify me, you know. That's what I like to do. So I went through and I looked at a few things in my life. Some of the things that I looked at were the simple fact, number 1, I can't exist in my life living it that way and be happy. I can't be happy like that.

What I can be is self gratified at a few times that I mistake for happiness. I can be like that, but I can't truly be happy. Because to truly be happy, I have to have a sense of freedom. And if I feel like I'm doing time in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm not free. If I'm sitting there I take a lot of meetings into jails and into institutions.

And the thing that's funny about jails and institutions is is that those guys' insides match their surroundings. They're locked up and they're trapped in here and in here. They are locked in a box, and their surroundings match them. They are likewise locked down. What happens with me is is that inside I'm like that, but I'm walking around outside and I wonder why I'm going crazy.

Because see, I look like a guy who's free by my surroundings, but inside I'm trapped. Because I feel like I'm doing time in Alcoholics Anonymous. I really feel like I'm stuck here because I know if I can't drink again, and I know that I that I know that it's staying sober seems miserable, the only option seems to spin that revolver on the 357 for a guy like me. That's a lonely place. You know, Jim when Jim said that, that have you ever sat in the middle of a room of Alcoholics Anonymous and felt alone?

I have. I'm the kind of guy that can sit with his family and feel alone when I'm judging like that. I'm the kind of guy that can be in the middle of an American football game that has a 100000 people in the stands and feel like I'm the only one sitting here. I get that into my head in judgment. And it's funny because the people I started tearing apart, unfortunately, were people that I needed.

They were my friends. They were the people in Alcoholics Anonymous that I'd grown up with, that at one time I was tight with. Guys that guys that I grew up with before I even got to AA, guys I used to drink with that came into AA before me. And I'm looking at them, and I'm wondering why we're not hanging out anymore. And I'm wondering why nobody just stops by anymore to see me.

And I'm wondering why it seems and it it just seems that other people seem to have other stuff going on, and I don't seem to get to know about it. It's like, oh, yeah. And they'll and and I'll walk up and they'll be talking about this great time they'd had together. And I'm like, hey, what's when was that? And they were like, yesterday.

And I was like, oh. And I turn away. And I my feelings got hurt really bad a couple times in the last year. I mean, really, really bad. Now I put myself in a position to be hurt that way by my actions, but it didn't make it any better.

And I called my sponsor on one occasion that was specifically very hurtful to me. I cried because I felt alone, and I've been doing so well not to judge people, and they didn't see how wonderful I'd become. And, and he said, I'm gonna be up there in September. And I said, yeah, I know. He said, well, tell you what we're gonna do.

He said, we're gonna rent one of those big bouncy things that they put kids in, and some clowns that make balloon animals. And we're gonna invite all of them, but we're gonna make them all stand on the other side of the fence and watch us all having fun to teach them all a lesson. For a moment, I thought he was serious and I got really excited. And he tells me to do things that make absolutely no sense. He says, I'm one of these guys.

I like to have my way all the time. I love to have my way. My when I get my way, it's like finding a $100 on the street corner. You know? It's like, yeah.

You know? And when I get my way, it's like that. And I go and it's this is just isn't going my way. And he goes, you know what the easiest way to not get your way to to not do you know what the easiest thing to do about getting your way is? And I'm like, oh, he's gonna give me a trick here.

You mean I'm gonna get to get my way? And he goes, oh, yeah. Absolutely. I go, how do I do that? He says, not to have a way.

I'm like, what what what? What do you mean don't have a way? How am I supposed to get the things I want? And he goes, well, God will provide them. That is not cool, man.

You know? I mean, and he tells me to do stuff like that, and I'll tell guys I sponsor that. And they go, how do you do that? And I'm like, I'm still trying to figure it out real good myself, but if you figure it out, let me know so I can tell Bob I got it done, you know. And I and I sit there and and I'm like, that isn't fair.

You know? It's not fair. He goes, a fair is where you go to eat hot dogs and ride the ferris wheel. He said, that life isn't about being fair. And I'm like, and it just frustrates me.

What I wanna hear from him, what I'm like that is, Kelvin, never has someone done so much for so many and received so little in return as you. You know? That's what I wanna hear. I mean, I really wanna hear that. What I get is is don't have a way.

I figured out just as the other night as we were sitting around, and it's it's funny. I go somewhere in Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't think I'd have figured this out, but I just figured it out here in Iceland. I figured it out how I could intellectualize what he was saying. See, what happens is is that when I'm busy trying to get my will, it doesn't seem like I get my way.

When I'm busy trying to invoke my will on you or trying to get you to do things a certain way that I think it should be done, that's when I seem not to get my way. What happens is if I stay busy doing God's will, if I stay busy helping his kids and doing things to serve other people and doing things for you, I seem to get my way. Because my way and God's way seem to be intertwined because I seem to get satisfaction when I'm doing his will. That's what seems to fill the hole. That's what seems when he gets in there and fills that hole up, it seems that that my way it seems like I get my way.

It really seems like that. But what I'm really getting is God's way. And I never understood how those 2 could coexist. Because I always like I was saying last night, I'd always seen God as this vengeful person coming down with with the lightning and the and the flooding the earth, and and kill us all if we don't do what he says. See, I figured out on page 62 where it says, first of all, I have to complain God it doesn't work.

I figured out why I can't play God. See, when I when I think of God in the Old Testament sense of being vengeful and punishing and judgmental, I can be god if I think of him in that way. Because see, I can be judge believe me, I can be as judgmental as god. I can be as vengeful. I can be as punishing.

I can be as destructive. Just watch me. I'll tear a family in 2. I'll destroy a young girl's dreams. I'll go through and I'll beat people until they're disfigured.

Just watch me. I can be vengeful. I will be the hand of God. But the funny thing is is I can't play God because I can't be that loving loving. I can't be that tolerant.

I can't be that kind, and I can't be that unjudgmental. That's why I can't play God, because I can't be that all the time. And the times that I am that is when I seem to be full inside. And the times that I get like that the most is when I seem to be sitting across from a new alcoholic and going through the solution based on this book and based on my experience and based in the actions that I take in Alcoholics Anonymous. It really seems that when I'm sitting across from him, I seem to get full inside.

And when you're sitting there with somebody and you watch the lights come on, it literally almost brings me to tears. Because I know he's now got a shot at not having to be as miserable as me. I know he's got a shot in life today that he doesn't have, and maybe his family will get better like mine did. And maybe he'll find a woman that'll love him. And maybe he'll be able to experience the great gifts in life that I seem to take for granted every single time I step back into my will and my judgment.

Every time. Instead, I get an opportunity to work with this guy and see see maybe he'll be able to get away from some of that. You know, I I used to always take credit for how the guys I sponsored it. You know, I was one of those guys. Well, he's over there working with newcomers.

He gets an a today, you know. And I'll and I would do that kind of stuff. I was in God, I was an arrogant judgmental prick. I was terrible. I really was.

And the thing is is that I can become like that again real quickly. I have to take daily actions. The thing that's funny and and I I do a lot of stuff with step 10 today, and it's it's step 10 is a hard thing to do if you're really not humble. I mean, it really is. And it's a hard thing to do when you're disconnected from God.

It really, really is. Because see, there's this thing in there it says, we alcoholics like success. We seem to drink of it as a wine, you know. And I imagine me drinking a wine. My idea of a good wine, it comes in a box.

You know? And I just seem to just pull it down and success. And I've suffered from big shotism. I like to think I'm more important than I really am. And is that that deal in step 10 that happens for me when I really get into it is it all involves me not having a way, and I couldn't figure that out for the longest time of what that really meant.

And it was funny because what ended up happening to me was is I saw a couple things. And what it said was, it is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. It's real easy for me to step back into my old way of thinking because we're headed for trouble if we do for alcohol as a subtle foe. We're not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

When I'm disconnected from God, I don't have a spiritual condition. When I'm disconnected from God, I'm not connected to anything at all. It says every day is a day when we must carry the vision of god's will into all of our activities. How can I best serve thee? Thy will not mine be done.

It's a short prayer there. So these are the thoughts must which which must go with us constantly. What happens is is that I relook at that word and I always think that says conveniently. I do. I don't wanna do it all the time.

I wanna do it when it serves me, you know. But it doesn't. It says constantly. And it says we can exercise our willpower along this line all we wish. There's a proper use of the will.

I can use my willpower to help God get his way, which helps me get my way so I don't have to have a way. Isn't that great? You know? I didn't understand how it all connected. I didn't understand it one bit.

But what happened is is that I take actions towards the understanding of it. See, for me, I can't think my way into better living. I have to live my way into better thinking. I'm the guy that has to take the action, take the action, take the action, and then all of a sudden, ping, the light comes on. I'll go, it was that simple all along, You know?

I'm I'm one of those I'm like a really smart dumb guy, you know? You know? I just really am, you know. I'm just oh, that's what he meant, you know. And it's it's one of those things that is that's really happened, and and I'm gonna close with this.

I've got about 4 minutes left. I do some some actions every day, and it's and it's funny because I've had a lot of stuff happening in my life in the last 6 months especially that has that has really been tough to to watch happen. It really been hard to to be with be with people and see people that you love and you care about slipping away. And, and and and to really try to go through and understand some things. And I have to do some actions every day and and one of the actions that I do every day is is the 11th step.

And I get down to pages 86, 87, and 88. And I start going through and I start looking at some of this kind of stuff. And I also do a little bit of meditation on on the fear section of the book. Remember last night, I said that my life is controlled, dominated, and ran by fear. Well, there's a little thing in the fear section that I really, really, really like.

And it says, my this book isn't marked out. Do you guys need to remark like, have the books marked if I'm gonna borrow a book from now on? Just like mine so that it's right. And what it says is we are in the world to play the role he assigns, the role he assigns. Just to the extent that we do is we think he would have us and humbly rely on him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity?

And then there's then there's another spot in the next paragraph that says, we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. Well, when I hear role, my my sponsor asked me if I ever done any acting. He said, have you ever acted before? And when I was a kid and I was in a couple things, when I was in high school, I tried to do the drama club thing because there's some hot girls in there I wanted to get with, and and they threw me out. And, and I started thinking of where the actor prepares for his day.

And he said, Kelvin, you have to think about and act like a guy who surrendered. Who surrendered. And I said, okay. Okay. He said, you have to act like a guy who's not controlled and dominated and ran by fear.

I said, okay. Alright. That that's great. Thanks. You know?

He said, and you have to act like a guy who's not judging everybody. And you have to act like a guy who's not doing this. And he started going through and giving me some specific examples. So I took it to the next step and I started thinking about it. And if you really look at actors the way that they do things, actors are pretty amazing people.

That's why not every one of us can be successfully 1. When they do things, the first thing they that they really get into is their script. And they study the script, and they learn the words, and they learn what what the base of their material is. I kinda look at this as a script. You know?

So I'm in that thing every day. I read I read my big book every day. Every day. And the next thing that I have to do is that once I'm looking at the script and start doing that stuff real well, and I really get into that, one of the other things that one of the other things that has to happen in the fact of being an actor is they do what's called a role play or they study a role. And the way that they study that if you know, actors aren't aren't as wonderful as everybody thinks they are.

If they're playing a homicidal killer maniac, they go sit down with 1 for a while that's convicted sitting in prison. So they go through and they and they go through and they they spend time with a person who is who is exactly the thing that they wanna be like in this movie. They spend an they spend a phenomenal amount of time with them, and then literally become the person. So I do that. I follow my sponsor.

I follow other people in alcoholics anonymous who are taking actions that I respect. And I do those things. And I spend time with the person who's really doing the role. And then I get into then I have to get into character. And as I sit there, I imagine and I go through and I pull it all into a little piece at a time and I go, okay, I've gotta be like this.