The Men Among Men's Groups 3rd annual conference in Reykjavik, Iceland

My name is Kelvin Dale. I'm an alcoholic. Yes. So the day of the grace of God, miracle of alcoholics anonymous have a drink on October 10, 1996. And, yeah.

Guys, pick that up real quick. In the states, we clap for that. That's a good deal. I'm, I'm really grateful to be here tonight. It's an honor and a privilege whenever I'm asked to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'm I'm excited. I'm I I can't even describe with words how beautiful it is here. I can describe with words how wonderful everything is here. And, I wanna thank I wanna thank the committee for, for asking me here to share today. And I'm overwhelmed by a lot of the things that I've seen and a lot of the people that I've met and being taken so well care of.

And I can't pronounce Roper's name, but we call him Hal. And, you know, and we were starting with a numbering system when we got here. We were like number 1, number 2, number 3 because the names, we couldn't pronounce the names. And so then they started shortening them up for us, so we got everybody, like, American short names that kinda go with your Icelandic names. So it's kind of a cool deal.

And, so I mean, Hal has had us at his house and, and Stina, and they've been wonderful hosts. And, and Axel and Badri, they took us around our 1st day here and spent yesterday with us. And then Axel put me on an Icelandic course yesterday and and Those horses are small, man. And, I think it should have been riding me. And, I don't know, but after about 4 or 500 meters, that horse was like enough of this crap, and it threw me off.

And, so I got a big bruise all the way up my right side, my elbows all sore, and I'm like, great. You know? And you should have seen them laughing. I mean, hey. They were just you know?

So it's good to see you guys cater to sensitive people and don't hurt their feelings. So I I I that that was great and and, and we've we've had we've had a great time since we've been here. And Alcoholics Anonymous today is a place for me where where, I have the utmost respect for Alcoholics Anonymous, the steps, the traditions, actions that we take here. And it was it's kind of a funny thing because I didn't grow up really respecting much of anything but fear because I grew up in an Air Force base in Minot, North Dakota. And on the Air Force Base, as I was growing up, I had I had I had this problem with identifying with other people.

And why I had a problem with identifying with other people is is, see, I grew up, and and and it's funny because a lot of you aren't gonna believe this, but I might be related to some of you. And and here's the reason why. On my mom's side, we have we have ties all the way back to the Vikings. And on my dad's side, ties all go back to Africa. So it's it's kinda one of these funny things.

If you give you a kind of a mind's eye picture of me, if you're gonna picture a Viking ship with 20 inch rims and fried chicken, you know, I mean, my lead my name would be like Leroy Olissun or something like that, you know? And and that that would be exactly how you'd be able to describe me. So some of you may not know of, but we might be cousins. You know? So and I'm sure you're gonna run home and tell everybody about that.

You know? But I grew up and I always felt different. I always had this feeling of being like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. And I I just no matter what I did, it always seemed like I was off somehow. And I never quite felt that I connected with everybody else around me.

Everybody seemed to be given this book on life. Everybody seemed to be able to know what it was real quick. And I didn't seem to have any of that. I didn't seem to be able to play well with others. You know, I should've been stamped when I came out of the womb.

You know? It would save people time from getting hurt by me. Because I'm one of those guys that I I want I want things to be my way. You know? I don't care what your way really is.

But as long as it's my way, then I get along okay with everyone. You know? As soon as things don't go my way, then I start having trouble. So when I go through, if we're gonna play blocks, we're gonna play blocks like this when I was a kid. And if not, I figured out at a very early age, if people don't listen to you, you beat them into submission.

And that's that's that's just the way things go. And and I'm one of those people. I'm so driven by fear, and I'm so driven by by by uncertainty and and the big secret that I'm not enough. I'm so driven by those things that that I lash out. And as a result of that, I'm a guy who spent his entire life fighting, trying to validate myself, trying to be somebody that that tried to get away from the fear that way.

And I grew up in a home that was, it was interesting. There was all kinds of things going on all the time. And I and I remember just wanting desperately to find something to fill this hole that was in my gut. Because, see, I've got this hole that sits inside of me. It's a kind of hole when you look at me, you don't look at me.

You look through a guy like me. I'm the kind of guy that's hollow and empty and shallow. And when you look at me, I just wanna curl cover my eyes or look away because I don't wanna lock eyes with you people. Because see, when I I don't wanna do that because I'm afraid you're gonna see who I really am. I'm afraid you're gonna see a pathetic loser who can't seem to to do anything right in my mind.

And no matter what I do, that I I just it just doesn't match up right. And the book describes it as being irritable, restless, and discontent. And and I started off irritable, restless, and discontent. I started off that way, stayed that way. And eventually when I got sober, irritable, restless, and discontent turned into homicidal, maladjusted, and insane, you know?

I mean, I I just those weren't good enough words to describe what was wrong with me anymore. But when I was when I was growing up, I had this feeling. And it's the kind of feeling that you you just you just know there's not something there. And when I was about 12 or 13 years old, I got a chance to find the thing that fills the hole. I got a chance to drink.

And for me, when I drink, it's a magical experience for somebody like me. Because all of a sudden, that hole slams shut like a door in a hurricane. And everything the big thing that happens is is I get right sized, I get right shaped, and I seem to fit right in. And everything that's out there doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that I had this huge afro when I was a kid that that I I always wanted to be someone else, you know?

I always wanted to be someone else. So I would get this Jerry curl stuff, and I'd spray it in this big afro, and it would like drip down, and I'd pull this curly q down because Michael Jackson was big when I was a kid. Now I wouldn't wanna be Michael now, you know. But Michael back then, Michael was the coolest thing on the planet. You know?

And all he had to do was go, and everybody loved him. You know? So I figured, well, it was good enough for Michael. So I got that stuff out, and I started spraying this hair, and I got this thing coming down. And I went out and I got some I got some pants that were black, and I rolled them up so my socks showed, and I put on those black penny loafer shoes, and I slipped on the jacket with the zippers that don't go anywhere.

There ain't a pocket on that jacket. You know, you just open it up, and oh, you close it back up again, and and and all and something was missing, one white glove. So I got myself one white glove, and I walked into school that day in 3rd grade, and I went, And no girls came running, but a bunch of dudes did to fight me. You know? Because you don't you don't pull off Michael Jackson or mister Michael Jackson, apparently.

You know? I mean, Michael was cool when he was black. You know? I mean, it was that it was back in that time frame. You know?

And I always had this, I I lived in these other these other these other places. When I drank, all of a sudden, I could dance better than Michael. You know? When I when I drink, you're just lucky I'm here. You know?

Because all of a sudden, men fear me and women want me. You know? When I drink, everything just, you know? I drink like that. I feel like that, most importantly.

Because, see, drinking does something for me that it doesn't do for my wife, that it doesn't do for other normal people and my in laws and other people that I know. It doesn't do that for them. See, the thing that drinking does for a guy like me is is that it slows everything down, and it makes life seem possible for a guy like me. It takes away all my inadequacies, all my insecurities, and my big secret that I'm afraid everybody's that's gonna find out that I really am not enough. That big secret that I have doesn't exist.

And all of a sudden, everything's moving. And what I ended up finding out when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous is there's there's 2 big aspects that happen for a guy like me. When I drink, I don't seem to be able to stop. When I can't stop, that's the phenomenon of craving. I take a drink, a metaphysical reaction happens in my body, and all of a sudden, I'm gonna drink at any cost.

And I don't know how many I'm gonna have. I may have 10 or I may have a 100. Because for me as an alcoholic, 1 is too many and a1000 is never enough. So I will continue to drink once I start the process. Once I put a little gas in the tank, I start moving and I go.

Well, I started when I when I was drinking, before I started paying consequences, that's fine for a guy like me. But, see, I started paying consequences for my drinking at a relatively early age. And I started paying these consequences, and you think that once you start paying those type of consequences, when you're hurting those type of people, the people that you love, the people that you care about, the people that are the well meaning people of the world, When you think that they're the ones that you're hurting and those are the things that's happening, you think you'd slow down or you think you'd stop. Well, I tried doing that. I tried doing that.

But the thing that happens for a guy like me is if I didn't if I didn't have alcoholism, I'd have been able to turn the switch off. If I because I don't ever remember one time in the morning waking up and saying, you know, tonight, I don't wanna go to jail. You know? I'm really sick of being free. I hate the good food.

You know? I'm gonna go to jail for a while. I think I should do that. No. They never say that in the morning.

I never woke up once in the morning and said, you know, tonight tonight, I want my mom to look at me and tell me she was ashamed she ever gave birth to me and get the hell out of her house and never talk to her again. Nah. Nah. I I wanna do that. That sounds like a good time.

Let's tear my family apart. You know? I never woke I never woke up that morning, the morning that it happened. I never woke up the morning and said, you know, tonight tonight, I wanna blackout, and tomorrow morning when I wake up, I wanna be covered in blood that's not mine and not remember where I've been and then find out 3 people are in the hospital. See, I never woke up in the morning and said any of those things.

I woke up in the morning with good intentions. I'm the good intention guy. I'm the bad action guy, but I'm the great intention guy. Because see, if you judge me by my actions, I'm a loser, I'm a felon, I'm a criminal, I'm I'm a jerk. You know?

If you judge me based on my intentions, I could be the pope, and I'm not even Catholic or white. You know? I mean, if you judge me based on my intentions, I could very easily be him because I become perfect and all knowing and wonderful. All I'm really missing my by my intentions, all I'm missing is a cross. You know?

I mean, I'm that guy. I become perfect by my intentions. Unfortunately, it's my actions that kill me every single time. Every single time my actions get to me. Because my actions start off with I'm not gonna drink tonight.

I'm not gonna drink tonight. Last night was terrible. And by about noon, I'm sitting there wondering, last night wasn't so bad. You know? It was it wasn't that bad.

You know? I mean, it it it was okay. You know? Well, no. It was kinda bad.

No. It was by 3 o'clock, I can't remember why I wanted to stop. And I'm off and I'm running again. See, I remember the last day I got out of jail. When I got out of jail and there was and you guys I was talking about this.

They have these things called Mickey's in the States. And it's a malt liquor. It's an Irish malt liquor, Mickey's. And they but they have these little ones that are called, that are like little Mickey's barrels. And I can't remember what the heck they're called right now, but I knew it last night at the halfway house.

So if any of you were paying attention, tell me right now. Big mouth. Mickey's big mouth. Thanks, Bob. You weren't even there.

My sponsor drink like me. So I had these little Mickey's big mouths. And I'm getting out of jail, and I'm like, there is no way I can drink. I've got 4 felonies hanging over my head. You know?

I've got all this stuff going on. I'm on paper. I'm gonna I'm going to prison. You know? And what happens to me is this thing that pops into my head.

You know, those Mickey's, they're cute. They're only this big. It's like a 10 year old should be drinking them. You know? I mean, they're they're tiny, and and they and and and they're cute.

You know, one of those isn't gonna hurt me. So I go into the liquor store when I get out of jail after I'd swore I was never gonna drink again, and I pick up a Mickey's, wide mouth. But the problem is is you can't just buy one of those because they don't sell them individually. He comes with 5 of his friends. And then as an alcoholic, I'm very frugal when it comes to to having to to moving forward in life, and I I was looking for the best deal.

And for $2 more, they would come with 6 more friends. So you can get 12 of these. And I'm like, well, I'm not gonna be drinking, so that means that's gonna last me at least a month, you know? One little Mickey's wide mouth ended me up that night with felony assault and insuasion of a riot. I don't know what happens when you drink, but me that happens.

And I have no reason to go back to that, except for the second part of my illness, the the obsession of the mind. The thing that tells me it's gonna be different this time. The thing that always tells me no matter what, it's gonna be different this time. You're not gonna get caught. That woman, she's not gonna leave you.

Matter of fact, you're the best thing that's ever happened to her. She loves you. You're the man. She'll never leave you. And your family, they were just joking.

They really don't wanna disown you. You're gonna be famous someday. And if they screw up, they're they're gonna be living in a cardboard box, you know? And and that's all of those things are gonna happen, and all this stuff, it's gonna be great. And yeah.

I I know that if I drink and get caught again, I'm gonna go to prison, but that they're never gonna come give me a urinalysis test today. You know? They're not gonna come after me today because, see, I know why. It's because it's Saturday. There's no way they're gonna come after me today.

And I'm off and I'm running again. Because, see, I have this thing that happens in my head where I don't remember the consequences of the last time I drink. You know? I don't remember the consequences that pop through that that will keep me away from that. They become foggy.

They become almost nonexistent. And eventually they disappear like the mist. They're gone. And all I remember is the times when I feel like that square when I feel like that round peg again and where I fit right in and I feel complete. I don't remember any of the consequences.

Well, everything started really burning to the ground. Everything is crashing and burning. Everything is going completely out the door. And I did well in sports in the States, and I I had scholarship offers to play American football, and I had I had offers with the Canadian Football League to play Canadian football for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. And I had scholarships across the United States to wrestle at 27 different schools.

And I'm going through and I can't I can't keep it together. And I don't understand what's wrong with me. And because when people try to talk to me about my drinking, they're saying, why don't you stop this? What you got you got to quit. All you gotta do is just stop.

You might as well just said, you all you gotta do is just fly without a plane. You know? I mean, because I don't know how to do that. It's it's it's very simple, they tell you. You just don't drink.

I don't drink. I go insane. I'm a guy that when I'm not drinking, I hurt people. When I'm not drinking, I'm violent, and I'm mean, and I don't fit quite right. Drinking has has an effect on me that it takes away the fear, and it takes away the pain.

It takes away the childhood memories. It takes away all of that crap out of my life. Drinking is a thing that makes me be alright, where I can look you in the eye and not have to be afraid. And I'm a big guy, but I spent my life cowering in fear, cowering of what you thought of me. I spent my entire life like that.

As a result of spending my life like that, I'm a guy who's been in over 250 street fights. I got a dent in the front of my head where a guy tried to kill me with a hammer. I got a dent in the back of my head where a dry guy tried to kill me with a crowbar. I've been shot at. I've been stabbed.

I've had all those things happen to me all because I'm afraid. See, I'm a guy. My life is driven and controlled and ran by fear. I don't have a solution to fix that fear except for drinking, except for something I'm the kind of guy I don't know about you, but my favorite drink is free. My favorite drug is what do you got?

You know? I mean, that's I'm I'm real simple. I'm a human vacuum of self gratification. You know? I mean, if it looks good, if if if I think a girl's gonna fix it, it's you know?

I mean, try her out. No. That doesn't work. Money. Yeah.

That'll work. A car. You know? Because I've got this god shaped hole. That same hole I was telling you about before, I didn't realize it was a hole that was god shaped.

See, for me, what I tried to do was I tried to fill that hole with all this other stuff. And I didn't I never because from the from the first time I ever came into a, I talked about this hole in my gut. And my sponsor explained to me that that that hole was a god shaped hole. But, see, I tried to use anything else to fill it. And no matter what, when I see God, when I see that solution, it always looks too small.

It never doesn't look like the right size, but a woman does. A woman she's going to fit just perfect. You know? Money? Money is just beautiful.

That'll fill it all in. A car will fill it in. A job might fill it in. I try all these other things to fill this god shaped hole. Nothing fills it.

It always falls out. It always ends up hollow and empty again. So I've walked through my life with that in my gut. The only thing that seemed to close it up just enough where I could breathe was in I think it's gonna make me feel better. By the time I got to the end of my drinking, I'm out on an Indian reservation in North Dakota, and we're out of booze and we're out of drugs, and I'm real shaky in the morning.

And a guy comes out with a bottle of Pine Sol. And he pours Pine Sol through this bread into a quart jar, and he hands it over to the guy next to me. And that guy takes a little sip off, makes a face, and doesn't die, so I down half the quart jar. You don't drink pine salt because you enjoy the minty freshness of it. You know?

I mean, you you don't drink pine salt because you really want to feel clean inside. You know? You don't do that. You do that when you're trying to when you're trying to shut this thing off and trying to get this hole closed enough where you don't have to feel like you have to die. And I was at that spot over and over and over again.

And I got into Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't mean to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't want to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. For me, it's the last stop on the block. I don't have a choice in life right now.

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I had 4 felonies hanging over my head. I had, been disowned by my family. I had been, I had been stripped of, all the athletic scholarships I'd ever had. I was working construction.

And I went to my 1st AA meeting on a Thursday, and I hadn't showered since Sunday. And I had this kind of nasty Afro thing going on with chunks of concrete in it, and I had this nasty goatee and these patches. And I got burned when I was a kid, and hair doesn't grow in right here on these two spots on my face. So I got these patches coming out here and here and down here. Kinda look like a chia pet on crack.

You know? It'd be like Dawn King on acid, you know, coming out over here. I mean, that's how I look. I look terrible. And I smelled 10 times worse than that.

And I just I I was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I'm not coming out of my work boots. I'm passing out, and I'm not coming out of my work boots. So I'm funky.

And I walk into this first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I walk into this meeting, and these people there I went right at the end, right at the end of them you know, right as it's getting ready to start, you know. And I'm sitting there, and I'm watching them from the trees, you know. And it's, like, 7:59, the meeting starts at 8 o'clock. And the last guy is out there kicking the last smoker in the door saying, go on, get in, it's time to start the meeting.

And I go up there, and that guy looks right at me, and he goes, hey. Welcome. And he shakes my hand. And I'm like, what is this? You know?

Because, see, I'm I'm the kind of guy that that that his family just told him that they don't want him around anymore, that I'm dead to them. I'm that guy. The guy that that that his mother takes the graduation pictures and the family pictures and tore him off of them and put them back in the frame because they just wanted to forget that I even existed. I'm that guy. And this guy says welcome to me.

So I go in there, I reacted like any newcomer. I couldn't believe it. These people were smiling, and they were happy, and they were and they were joking. But but the guys, they were winking at each other and hugging and stuff, and I wasn't all down for that. They were like, you know, and everything else.

And and so all this stuff's going on. And and I get into this meeting. This guy gets up there. He starts telling his story. And his story, I knew what had happened.

They had been watching me on surveillance and had called you people, and it was a scheme. Because there is no way. Because guys don't talk about that kind of feeling. You know? That doesn't happen.

And this guy's telling my story, and I got the heck out of there. I listened to that first speaker, and I ran away. And I went over, and I did the only thing I knew how. I grabbed that first beer. I'm the guy that when I grab the first beer before it's even in my lips, when I hear the, I just know it's gonna be alright.

I just know it's gonna be alright. When the sweat comes down, a bottle of beer, when it's sitting there, it's like a newborn baby's tears, man. I mean, it's I just know when I see it, I know what it's gonna do. It's gonna fill that hole up. I'm gonna be able to not feel like I have to die at that moment.

So I know it's time. And I grabbed that first beer, and I cracked it open. And I didn't get that feeling. My mind wouldn't quit running. And it's saying, you're a loser.

Look at you. You're a loser. When was the last time you showered? When was the last time you brushed your teeth? When was Your family doesn't want you.

You lost your scholarship. You're a loser. What is wrong with you? Somebody said welcome you tonight and you ran away? And I don't and I know that I had grabbed the second one sometime in there, and I don't even think I finished that.

And I went home, and my family had left, and that was on a Thursday night. I'm not a guy who got here through treatment or detox or any of those other things. I got here detoxing on my own, and it almost killed me. I threw a blood. I threw a bile.

I went to seizures that were insane. Because by this time in my drinking, I'm putting anything in my system that'll think that I think will make me feel better. And I am kicking things that I didn't even I didn't even think that you could ever kick those things. And I'm sitting there, and I'm dying on the floor of my room. And I'm praying to God to kill me.

Because, see, I've got this problem with God. I have this big, big, big problem with God. See, God, he's not there anymore. Because see, I grew up my dad's a Baptist minister. Okay?

From Florida, Southern Baptist. Figure it out. My dad was the kind of guy when the Jehovah's Witnesses I don't know if you guys have Jehovah's Witnesses over here, but in the state okay. You do? Great.

Then you know how big of a pain in the butt they are. When they would come to the house and knock at 8 o'clock in the morning on Saturday, my dad would invite him in, sit him down, get him a cup of of coffee, and say, I'll be right back. And he would come with the sword of God and sit down, and they would leave there wondering if they should be Jehovah's Witnesses anymore. That's the kind of guy my dad is. My and my mom is Lutheran.

And in North Dakota, it's North Dakota. All right? I mean, we're about as Scandinavian as you guys are. I mean, seriously, I mean, it's we have a movie named after us in Fargo, for god's sakes. I mean, it's it's it's ridiculous.

It's Lutheran up there, man. I mean, there's no Southern Baptist stuff, so my dad is hammering me with the bible at home, and my my mom is like, we're gonna go to church, and we're going to we're going to this strict Norwegian Lutheran church. I mean, it's practically Catholic. It's so strict. You know?

And I'm and I'm sitting there, and I'm just I'm spun because my idea of God is this Old Testament idea of God. It's this Old Testament idea, if you do anything wrong, Sodom and Gomorrah. You know? You cross them 40 days, 40 nights, you're all going down. You know?

And the idea that if you get too powerful, he sends in a woman to cut off all your hair and destroy you. And and, I couldn't have any of that. You know, I can't have any of that. And I just can't understand why this god thing is such a big deal. See, I graduated as number 1 student in my confirmation class.

I got to give this sermon the next Sunday at church. See, I was given a biblical idea of god that I was afraid to death of. And I come into Alcoholics Anonymous when I walk into this first meeting and I see the word god in the steps. That doesn't work for a guy like me. God works for good people.

God works for people like you. He doesn't work for guys like me. He doesn't work for people that do the things I do and hurt people the way I hurt them. He doesn't he doesn't he doesn't work for guys with cuts in their hands and blood that isn't his on him that he doesn't know where it's come from. He doesn't work for guys like me.

It's easier for me just to pretend that he doesn't exist and take over the role of him myself. So that's what I do. I become god. And that's what that's what I brought into Alcoholics Anonymous. I left that night.

I detoxed over that those next 4 days. By the 4th day, I could finally keep water down. And I stayed sober courtesy of cable TV. I was 20 years old, and my mommy was dropping me off at my construction site, you know? I'm a big man.

Mom, can I have a ride to work? You know? I'm doing that deal. And my mom's dropping me off and picking me up from the construction site. And I stay sober that next week, and I'm insane, and I'm going crazy.

Never mind. I coulda went to a different AA meeting. But the one on Thursday, I thought maybe those guys might have been still smoking something because they were so happy, and somebody said, welcome to me. So I'm going back to that one. And I come and I get back to that Thursday, and I and I I shave some of these patches off, and I and I and I could have cut my hair or something, but I'd actually just washed it, you know, and I put a ball cap on that sat about this high.

And I go walking into this meeting, and I come walking up the sidewalk, and there's a group of people outside. And that group of people outside is standing there in a circle, and and I can hear the laughter as I'm walking up the sidewalk. And I'm like, what is that? Because see, the kind of drinking I'm doing, the only time we're laughing is if somebody's falling down the stairs, you know, or if you're pushing somebody down, or if something like that's happened, or when you when you when you shave off people's eyebrows, you know, when they pass out, you know. I'm laughing at that.

That's funny to me. And these people are laughing because they've got a light in their eyes, and they've got life. And I'm sitting there trying to figure out what I gotta do. And as I'm coming up the sidewalk, there's this circle, and the circle and this may not have happened, but in my mind's eye, it's exactly how I see it. It's like the circle went and opened up a little gap, and out comes this guy walking down the sidewalk.

And I'm like, oh, great. They saw me run out last week. They're not gonna let me stay. They're gonna throw me out of Alkolos Anonymous. I haven't even been here yet.

And you know how your mind starts going when you're new. You know? And I've got my fist clenched ready to go. You know? And I'm just ready to go.

And this guy comes up to me, and he saves my life because he puts his hand out and he says, hi. My name is Jeff. You're new here. Right? Welcome.

He didn't take a crack at me. He didn't take a poke at me. He didn't make a smart mouthed comment to me because if he did, I'd have swung as hard as I could, and you'd have a different speaker tonight. What he did is he welcomed me to the Alcoholics Anonymous, and he took me into that circle of laughter. And there was people there, and they were running around, and they were doing stuff.

And everybody's smoking, and everybody's having a good time. And we get downstairs, and that night, they go, say, would you read how it works for us? And I'm like, sure. You know? And I'm just nervous.

I mean, I'm sweating. I'm just you know, terrified. I start reading. I get down with the meeting. And this guy comes up to me after the meeting.

God bless him. God is a good member of AA. He comes up to me after the meeting, and he says, you know, when you read step 3 tonight, and I've been sober for, like, 5 years, when you read step 3 tonight, a light went off for me, and I finally understood what it meant. And I was like, well, I'll read every week if y'all want me to. You know?

I was excited. You know? I mean I mean, it's it's amazing. It was amazing. Because all of a sudden, I realized I can save these people.

You know? It's gonna be great. You know? I'm gonna read for them. I'm gonna do some stuff.

A lot of these guys need to work out. I'm gonna get them to the gym. You know? I mean, we're gonna do something here. You know?

And I got all this great stuff going on, and and and that guy saved my life. He got me into Alcoholics Anonymous, and the most important thing you get a newcomer into, and it was action. He got me into action to the nth degree. We were North Dakota and Minot, where I sobered up, is remote. You know?

You have to drive, like, all kinds of places just to go to good AA. So we would we would load up, and we would drive 12 hours down to a conference in Nebraska, or we'd drive 11 hours out to a conference in Minneapolis, and we would go and do all this stuff just to go hear guys like like Bob and Clancy and Johnny and Jim and all these great AAs and Alcoholics Anonymous. We would drive everywhere just to get a hold of them. And we would sit there and, ah, oh, Clancy called me a puke. Clancy called me a puke.

You know? And you're just you're just excited. You know? And And you're like, you're walking in the midst of giants. And we spent that time running around all over Alcoholics Anonymous.

And we and the thing that my sponsor did with me right away is and a lot of people, they get really upset, and they go, that's terrible, whatever. You know, it worked for me. I was 2 days short of 2 weeks sober. And we were back at that same Thursday night meeting, and there was a part of that format that said, Anybody willing to be a sponsor, raise your hand. And this guy elbows me, and I throw my hand in the air.

Okay? This kid comes up to me afterwards with a big Afro, with his pants hanging down to here. Every other word is something I can't say from the podium, but it involves your mother. And and this kid is sitting there, and he comes up. He's like, I wonder if you sponsor me.

You know? And he was always grabbing himself. You know? And I'm just like, this kid's just like me. You know?

And I go, are you going to coffee? And the kid goes, yeah. I said, great. I'll talk to you there. So I go up and I'm like, this kid just asked me to sponsor him.

I don't even know what a sponsor is. Blah blah blah blah. And Jeff said, here's what you're gonna do. I'm gonna get you out here right now. We're gonna get into this book right away.

And that guy sponsored that kid through me. And he was in a lockdown facility for juveniles, and I would drive out to meet him every Sunday right after I got done meeting with my sponsor. So I'd had everything highlighted and written and everything like that in the big book. And I didn't realize that the staff could come in and sit in the back and listen to what you're saying to these kids. I didn't realize there wasn't any privacy.

So I'm in there and I'm going through the book, repeating everything I had just heard. And this lady comes up and she goes, my gosh, she said, you have a very profound knowledge of alcohol synonymous. How long have you been sober? And I go, about 6 weeks. You know?

And she looks at me and I go hey, baby. Some of us just catch on to this thing quicker than others. And I was off and running. And, from that day to now, I've always been in the active role of having a sponsor and being being sponsored and sponsoring an alcoholic synonymous. I've always been involved in HNI in some way, shape, or form.

I started running a juvenile detention center meeting in Minot, moved into Fargo. When I moved to Fargo in 1999, I was one of 12 people that started a group called the Northern Plains Group. And that meeting started with 12 of us, and right now, 2 days ago, that meeting had 200 a little over 240 people in it on Tuesday night. And I go to that meeting, and that and that meeting, we do a lot of Alcoholics Anonymous. And and I I was out and I was doing all this stuff in AA.

But see what happens when you're a guy like me. I've got this big problem with God. See, this hasn't went away. It's just been hidden. Because when I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, I hear what you have to say about God, or I hear what that guy had to say about God, or what she said about God, and I just grab that and I say, okay.

I'm gonna use that. And I grab that and I start I start going to other meetings that they don't go to, and I start telling talking about this God that's not personal to me. See, I don't want anybody in AA not think I'm one of those spiritual guys. I don't want people in AA that don't think that I don't have a God. So I pretended to believe in something that was there, and it was there enough where I didn't have to go out and drink.

But I'm one of those guys that's always had to be very active in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've always had to go to a lot of meetings. I've always had to be involved in a lot of service work in AA and in the district and in the service in the general service. I've had to always be in that. So I was always surrounded in Alcoholics Anonymous by Alcoholics Anonymous.

But inside, I always felt that shallow and hollow and empty. Because, see, I still got this god shaped hole. I still had that god shaped hole when I was sober and alcoholics anonymous almost 8 years. And my life was spinning out of control, and I was burning it to the ground sober. On the outside, I looked like this active member of AA.

But the thing is is that I'm the kind of guy that stays active and then judges you for not being as active as me. I do that. I'm the guy that sits there on his on his mountaintop, and I've got my AA resume right here. You don't say anything to me. You don't sponsor enough people to say something to me.

You don't speak at enough conferences to say something to me. You don't do enough service work to say something to me. You better shut your mouth. You don't realize I do AA. I don't know what you think you do if you got AA light or AA diet or whatever the heck you got going on.

This is AA. You know? And I've got this I've got this entire thing sitting there. I believe that I am Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm the kind of guy that sits there and goes, if Bill Wilson were alive, he'd be a member of my home group.

You know? I've got that kind of judgment. I'm I'm I am that guy that I sit on this mountaintop and I look down at everybody else, and I wonder why you're not as wonderful as me. And I sit there and I start hammering through and I start ripping everybody to shreds. And I'm wondering why, when I step on the toes of my fellows, they're retaliating.