Elsa C. from Laguna Beach, CA at San Jose Speaker Meeting in San Jose, CA

I hadn't had the privilege of meeting our speaker until today, but in these few minutes that we have been together, I have found that she's a very gracious lady. We have known her husband for some time, and I know most of you have, and we have loved him and loved his talks. And I'm sure that we're gonna have just as good a talk from the other half of that family. And I'd like, to introduce it's my privilege to introduce Elsa. Thank you very much for those kind words.

My name is Elsa and I am a very very grateful, comfortable, happy member of Al Anon. Hi. I before I forget it, I want to thank you all for asking me to come up here today. I love this north mostly because I was born in San Francisco. So my heart is always up here even though I have lived down south for many, many years.

I wonder if alcoholics, as a rule, have any idea really how the Al Anon member or the nonalcoholic member rather of the family really feels Because communication seems to be one of our hang ups. We have a deadly time with communication. Somehow or other it seems almost impossible for us to tell each other how we feel inside. Now you go into an AA meeting or an AA gathering of any kind, and they're very quick to tell each other how they feel inside. And we Al Anon's, when we get together, we're very quick to tell each other how we feel inside.

But just let us go home, and that's another story. I see I have company. I have often wondered if many of us, both AA and Al Anon, don't have a little habit of taking off our program when we walk in our front door. I said this at a meeting down south one time and a gentleman came up to me afterwards and he said, you made a point there that has never occurred to me before. And he said, I can see now that when I open my front door, I take off my program just like I take off my overcoat.

Because old habit patterns are strange things, and it's been so close to us. And we've, it's too familiar. And the old habit patterns of, reverting seem to be there. I know there's a psychiatrist that said some time ago that old habit patterns have a way of repeating themselves with monotonous regularity. And I think this is true.

But this is one of the beauties of this program if we will see it. Because alcoholism is a family problem. There's no getting away from it, and it's a family sickness. Even you can call it a family disease. Because we non alcoholic members of the family have an obsession that is just as strong as the alcoholic's obsession for booze, and that's the alcoholic.

And we can't get our eyes off of him, and we watch every move he makes, and we make book on him, and we figure out what he's gonna say, and how we're going to answer him and or her. And, 9 times out of 10, they're not thinking the things we think they're thinking at all. But it's, it's a sickness with us that takes us, many of us, into institutions. I know many alanines that in complete and utter frustration and emotional madness have gotten into a car and driven all over town wildly through stop signs and red lights and haven't even known where they've been or what they've done. And many of us die from it too, believe me.

I've been working with a little gal down home who called me one day in such a state. She had been advised by a member of Al Anon to at least give me a call. And this little gal with 5 children and an alcoholic doctor husband had gotten into such a state that she was even afraid to cross the street. She couldn't even go and shop for her family and she had 5 children. She would go to bed and pull the covers over her head and sleep because she thought she was losing her mind.

And she was about to go to a psychiatrist. And I said to her, my dear, why don't you try Al Anon for a little while? Come to us for 2 or 3 months. Because Al Anon does exactly the same thing that a psychiatrist would do, except that it's a do it yourself program and it won't cost you anything. And try it.

And if it doesn't work after 2 or 3 months, then God bless you, go ahead and go to your psychiatrist. Well, she's still coming to Al Anon, and the change in her is so dramatic that you wouldn't believe it. She has learned to stand on her own 2 feet. She has learned the basic tenets of both AA and Al Anon, and that is a way to live in comfort and in peace and joy within yourself in spite of what's going on around you. Because this to me is the thing that we find in this program through the practice of these beautiful twelve steps.

It has done things for me that I couldn't believe could have been done. And I have watched people. I've watched men and women come into the Al Anon program just 2 jumps ahead of a fit. Just miserable, absolutely miserable, and usually contemplating leaving or divorce or something of the sort, and watch them over a period, sometimes short, sometimes long, change and come back looking like the pretty person that they were in the beginning, that they had lost along the way. And I know this is what has happened to me because you have given me back something that I lost during the alcoholic years.

As your leader said, most of you know my good husband, and you know what a strong personality he is. He comes on like a flash, you know. And living with a person of this kind, is not always the easiest thing in the world for the partners, because it has a tendency to squash you down to where you're a complete and utter nothing. And this is what happened to me. I don't believe that there is anything that is quite so heart breaking that causes the man of her dreams, big, handsome, charming, smart, wonderful guy, and falls deeply and hopelessly in love, and has every ideal under the sun of what marriage is going to be.

Beautiful lifetime together, beautiful children. It's going to be just a ball. It's going to be lovely. And then to watch this person that you have married who has every potential for success and to be a big man. Watch him day by day, month by month and year by year, disintegrating before your very eyes.

And you don't know, as I did not know, because you see my husband has been in AA for 23 years. So this was a long time ago, when there was no AA, and there definitely was no Al Anon. So I would say this also before I go any further. You, Elanon, don't know how lucky you are. You just don't know how lucky you are that you have a place to go.

You have people to talk to. You have a program to follow. You have a way of life that will give you that peace and serenity. I don't care whether you've got a practicing alcoholic at home or not, because this is an inside job. But as for me, there was no place for me to go.

I had no one to talk to. And I certainly did not understand, could not understand what was the matter with my husband. I thought it was deliberate on his part. And I kept thinking, this man's smart. He has brains.

Why is he doing this to himself? Doesn't he see what's happening? That everything is going down the drain. That he eventually is going to kill himself. And I couldn't understand why, and I fought it in every way that I knew how, but, of course, in all the wrong ways.

I was on his back every living minute. And how many of you alcoholics, I mean, Al Anon's, have heard your husband say, get off my back? We have a little pamphlet down home that's called the Do's and Don'ts, And it's really quite a thing. I didn't do any of the do's and I did all of the don'ts and more. Because I poured the liquor down the sink, I hid the car keys, I railed, and I ranted, and I screamed, and I yelled, and I cried, and I gave him the silent treatment, and I went around with a sad expression, you know.

And I gradually, by degrees, retreated within myself and dropped most of our friends because I couldn't want to be embarrassed anymore. And this is something that I have to laugh about now because, really, why would I be embarrassed over what my husband husband did? I wasn't doing it. He was doing it. He was the one that should have been embarrassed.

And this is one of the things that I think we have great problems with, learning how not to be embarrassed by what our drinking husbands or wives or children do. Because I don't think that people, are embarrassed for you, they're embarrassed for Him. But it's, it's amazing what can happen when you do learn something about this program. I had been, well, I was and am, still am, an only child raised by parents that were extremely strict because they were afraid that I'd be spoiled. And I never was allowed to make a decision.

I was always told what to do, and how to do it, and what to think. And if any of you have children, I hope to God that you will allow these young people to make some decisions and allow them to take the result of their behavior. Because apparently, it's the only way we learn, and it's the only way we learn how to stand on our own 2 feet and be a person, to be an individual. The time finally came with me because my husband was one who had to go completely to the bottom before he could give up, to the point of alcoholic convulsions and d t's and all the works the works. And having been a devout coward all my life, and having always thought I was such a good woman, which seems to be almost universal, you know, quite a shock when you find out you're not as good as you thought you were.

But, I finally was pushed into a corner that I couldn't get out of, and I am one who doesn't really do anything about anything until I have to. I'm lazy. And I have found that the only growth that I ever make is when I am pushed into a corner and I get so uncomfortable that I can't stand it, and I have to get busy and do something about it. But I can see now that every step in growth that I have made in all these years around this program has been when I have been pushed into a corner. So I don't say that these difficult times are bad.

Like my husband I say they are good because they have taught me lessons that I've and it is through these lessons I think that I have finally come to the point where I can stand before you and say I'm happy, I'm comfortable, and I'm at peace with me. But it's taken a long time because I'm slow. I'm one of these slow learners. There's a gal in this audience that I heard talk, a number of years ago. I think probably it would could be probably 10 or 12 years ago, And she's the 1st Al Anon gal that I have ever heard that told my story.

And she said before the meeting started that she was going to listen today to see if she, felt the same way about me. She's the wife of of your ex trustee. But, I had a rather strange childhood. I was a, a born athlete as a young person. I loved sports.

And I loved to play with the boys because the boys played the kind of games that I enjoyed. I was strong, husky, and used to get teased a good bit about it because I was quite muscular and a good bit larger than I am now. And in fact I think I weighed close to a 165. And once in a while they used to call me hippo. I never felt really comfortable in normal boy girl relationships, But if I could be a companion and a pal and play in games of sport, then I was comfortable.

Like so many of the alcoholic women, I didn't particularly like women. I didn't trust them. But I thought they all had their claws out, you know. But, strangely enough on the other hand the only talents that I possess were in the artistic field, in art, drama, and music. And this doesn't do for a very well integrated personality, I don't believe, and I never felt really very feminine.

And I was always disjointed. I just wasn't comfortable, I couldn't I couldn't do the things that the other girls did, I couldn't flirt, I couldn't, I had no line, I would go to a party and sit in the corner and be miserable and usually was the wallflower, you know, that, never was asked to dance. Until I got into a play in high school. One of my friends enveigled me into trying out for this play. And strangely enough I got the part I tried out for and stranger still it was the part of a young widow who was a very decided flirt.

How incongruous can you be, you know. And I remember very well my mother telling me that she had sat down in front of the stage during rehearsal one day next to the coach. And the coach turned to her and said, you know, that's one of the most beautiful speaking voices I ever heard, But what in God's name are we going to do with that body? Oh, me. Those were the days.

And I remember so well the first evening dress I ever had that was sleeveless. And I was putting on my makeup or fixing my hair or something, and I happened to glance down and here was I had muscles like a man, you know, but, the day came when that all melted away. Thank God. I don't have that to worry about today. But it, it gave me a very strange inferiority complex that, I think followed me all through my life until just a few years ago.

Because I never believed anyone when they told me that I had done a good job. If I was, at that time had gotten grease paint in my nostrils and nothing would do, but I would follow the drama. And, almost broke my mother's heart because she thought I would be a singer as she was. But, the day finally came when, I met this young man that I told you about, and nothing would do but I were to get married. Along the way we had 2 sons, and as I said, when we finally came to the point of no return, I finally forced myself to start divorce proceedings.

And, fortunately for me and for our family, it came at the same time that my husband's particular low happened, and he came to AA. And the relief was so tremendous. I just can't tell you what the relief was. But you know, even with all this tremendous relief and the joy of a quiet household and all the rest that comes with the joining of AA. Well, I can best illustrate it by saying that one of my friends said to me one day, Elsa, you look just like a contented cow.

And that's more or less the way I was. I was just like this, you know. But I from that time on I became the shadow, the shadow of my husband. The good little wife that followed him around in the background, you know, that never opened her mouth, made the coffee and served the cake and took care of the needs of the AA people that were continually, it seemed, at our house. And this went on for years.

6 years around AA before Al Anon came into being. And then Lois came to the coast and suggested the thing that has become so wonderful and so great that we now have over 4,000 groups all over the world. She said that she realized, and Bill realized, that we nonalcoholics needed a program for ourselves. Because in those early days, and still to some extent now, AA has a tendency to shut us out. And, this is not good because this is a family problem.

A family problem. And we need this program as badly as the alcoholic needs it. Sometimes I think worse because it takes us longer to get well, because we don't recognize our own sickness for a long time. And we have to get awfully uncomfortable before we'll do anything about it. But then there were 3 of us, the group, which we did, which met in our home for a good many years.

Beverly Hills' group is still going, but I'm no longer there. But I led that group for a long time because I, had been around the program longer than anybody else. And I was very quick with the words, very quick with the words. I had heard a lot of talk and a lot of I had done a lot of reading and knew the words of the program backwards. And I was, found that it was pretty easy to see your problem and also to see your answer.

But it was very, very difficult to see mine. And I know now, since we have moved to Laguna Beach, and I had to start all over again, that I had not once really applied these 12 steps to me. I didn't know who me was. I had no idea what I had become. I had no idea that I was what a girl called me not long ago when I talked at a joint luncheon of AA and Al Anon Women down south a while back.

And she said, I met this gal 12 years ago, and when I met her she was a mouse. And that's exactly what I was, my husband's shadow. I spouted his words, his ideas, his everything. And you know it's a funny thing that I didn't realize until just a short time ago that there had been definite competition in our family and I wasn't even aware of it until my husband called me to my attention. And you know just to show you that I actually have grown a little bit, I didn't get mad.

I didn't. Ordinarily years ago if he had said to me, you know honey, I think you might look at this a little bit. There seems to be a little competition. I would have hit the ceiling if he had said that to me years ago. But now I was able to look at it and honestly see that one of the things that was disturbing me was the fact that I wanted to be as good a speaker as my husband.

I wanted to be as funny as he can be at times because he breaks the most serious things in his talks with funny isms. And I can't do this. I just can't. And so I had to take another real good look at me and realize that we are individuals and we each have to do it in our own particular way. And we have to find our own language.

Even though Chuck and I talk a great deal about the very same things, we say it differently. Because we're, we're agreed on a great many points. But, one of the things that I want to talk about is what I have learned. Did you say 3 o'clock? Yeah.

I think it better be 2:30. Anyway, I have quite a few things that I want to talk about if I can, because I think they will be helpful. 12 years ago, we sold our home in Beverly Hills and moved to Laguna. And some of you, I know there are a few here that have heard me tell this story several times, but I hope they will bear with me because I think what I'm trying to bring out in this story is so very, very important. Because if there are any of you in this room who are giving your mates a bad time because they spend so much time in AA and in AA work.

Maybe this will help to change your mind. It did mine. So maybe it will help you. I don't know. But we suddenly moved after living 28 years in the same house to Laguna Beach.

Now my husband's business is in Los Angeles and he talks a great deal as most of you know, and he's gone 2 and 3 and sometimes 4 and 5 nights a week. And when he goes, he goes from his office in town. He doesn't come home and get me like he used to when we were in Beverly Hills. So here I am stuck down in a new community knowing very few people, and I'm left alone 2, 3, 4 nights a week, and you know exactly what happened to me. I reverted almost completely to my old stinking thinking.

I began to feel very sorry for myself, and I thought, my Lord, he's been been talking for 15 solid years now. Isn't it time he slowed down and gave me a little more time? You know? After all, I'm not getting my just due. I'm not getting my proper respect.

He owes me something. I have rights. This is one of the things that gives us more trouble than anything under the sun. I have rights. I've come to see that we don't have any rights, if you want to know the truth of it.

But anyway, I got myself into a dither and I began to put a good bit of pressure on Chuck to slow down. And the poor guy saw my dilemma and knew that I was unhappy, and he tried his level best to slow down for about 3 or 4 months. He would only talk maybe, oh, twice a week at the most, you know. Thanksgiving came along and the family were sitting all around the Thanksgiving table and he said, I've got something to say. I've been trying desperately to slow down and I'm getting so uncomfortable I can't stand myself.

Now he said, I cannot afford to be this uncomfortable. And how can I say to 1, yes, I'll talk for you, And to the other one, no, I won't talk for you? I've got to go home and be with my wife. I said, I'm going to have to go when AA calls. If I get a 12 step call in the middle of the night I'm going to have to go.

And you will have to adjust yourself to it. Well, I didn't like it very well because I still was pretty sick in the head, you know. But suddenly I remembered something that had happened in the very very early years of Chuck's sobriety. He had been asked to talk on Christmas, and I hit the ceiling, and I said how dare you make a date on Christmas. This is a family day.

You don't have any right to make a date on Christmas. But if you knew Chuck you know he's a pretty stubborn man, and when he makes a date he keeps it. And so I planned an early dinner, and the children were there. And about a half hour after dinner they all took off. So we were left alone anyway.

You know these young kids didn't want to stay with us all day. They had places they wanted to go, and things they wanted to do, friends they wanted to see. So off they went. So I very grudgingly I got dressed and went down to Santa Monica to the meeting. Well, there were 2 very very drunk winos in that meeting that night that had just been pulled out from under the Santa Monica Pier.

The following Christmas he was asked to talk again, and I went with him a little less grudgingly this time. And one of them was leading the meeting, and the other one led read the steps. And for the first time in my life, I could see what kind of a program we were in. We are in a life and death program. We are in the business of saving lives.

And whatever we non alcoholics have to do in the way of giving freedom to our alcoholic spouse, or son or daughter or wife, we have to leave them free to do because they may be saving a life. And I think this takes the necessity out of the picture to feel sorry for oneself. Because I found that I had to then get busy, and make my own life, and find my own salvation, if you will. And my youngest son gave me the clue. He said, Mom, why don't you start another Al Anon Group?

And this I did. And this was the beginning of the Laguna Al Anon daytime group. And since that group started, 5 more have sprung up in the Bay Area there. And it's a going concern, believe me. But what it did for me is something that I will be grateful for for the rest of my days.

Because that group has taught me about me. They have taught me what to do to get myself out of this thing that had followed me for so long. Because you see I had learned in those days of fooling with dramatics how to put up a front. And nobody, but nobody, ever knew how I felt inside. And nobody ever knew how scared I was.

And how I shook from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet when I had to get up before an audience. And so I never never was really me. And I began to see that one of the things that had given me more trouble than any other one thing was my terrible need for approval, and my fear of disapproval. Because I was always trying to do the thing that would make you approve of me because I couldn't stand your disapproval, and especially my husband. So I never was myself.

I was always trying to be like you, or like you, or like you. And it's an uncomfortable spot to be in, believe me. And so I began to see that in taking my inventory, that one of the things I needed to do was to get rid of this need. And I did it in a sort of a strange way. I thought, well, I I just I'm the only me that I can be.

And like old Popeye, I'll just say to myself, well I am what I am and that's all I am, and if that isn't good enough that's all I've got, you know, all I've got. Because I had been so terribly nervous over the first talk that I was supposed to give. And my husband said, you know what's the matter with you, don't you? And I said, no, I don't. He said, you want this.

And when I could see it, then I could get up before you and talk out of my heart, and not be concerned with what you thought about the kind of a talk I gave. You asked me to talk, so I come up here and talk, and if it's good, bad, or indifferent, that's all I've got. That's all I've got. But I'll do the best I can one day at a time to try to learn how to live this way of life. I would like, strangely enough, it was only just a few years ago that I finally found out the real reason for this need for approval, that is as far as I am concerned.

And remember please that I am not speaking for Al Anon. These are my thoughts and my ideas and what I have learned that fits me. I am not speaking for Al Anon as such. Something that my husband had taught me years ago that I've talked about for years years years. And that is this thing of doing what you do for free and for fun with no strings on it.

And loving for free and for fun with no strings on it, and getting rid of barter, so to speak. And all of a sudden, just, not more than 2 or 3 years ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks, that the reason that I needed that approval so terribly was because I wasn't loving for free. It's as simple as that. And when you can see it, it does wonderful things for you, and I'm not always able to hang on to it. Don't misunderstand me.

I revert as often as anybody does, especially if something happens very suddenly to me. But I'm learning. I'm learning the hard way. And you know growing up is rather painful, rather painful. But this loving for free is the very thing that we talk about in Al Anon so much, our release with love.

Release with love. To me this is the most marvelous thing in the world when we can get hold of it, because it's a thing that makes us free release with love. In the East, they call it emotional detachment. I don't like it. It's cold.

And one of the things, I think, one of the reasons why we have such marvelous AA and Al Anon in California is because our AA and Al Anon is so warm and so friendly and so loving. The East is very reserved, you know. I think they do well to learn a few things from us. I heard Someone told me the other day that one of the gals in the New York office, this is AA office, said what in the world do you people have out there in California? You know?

Let them come out here and find out. That's the thing that makes this thing tick, this love and sharing. This love and sharing. But what do I mean by release with love? A lot of people don't seem to understand.

A man said to me one night at a meeting, he said, It sounds like friendly divorce. But it's just the opposite from that. It's just the opposite from that. Release with love. To me it means giving every person in the world the dignity of a human being.

The dignity of a human being. Because every human being has dignity. Because we are all God's children. Even the drunk that lies stretched out on the floor, passed out cold, and looking like, you know what, has dignity. Because inside all of that crest of ugliness is God's child.

And I think when we can see this, it's far easier to have compassion for the alcoholic, than it was when we were looking at them as something ugly and obnoxious as I did when my husband was drinking. I hated his insides. And I hoped many times that he would die in one of these alcoholic convulsions. You talk about insanity. When I look back on the things that I thought, and the things that I did, and the things that I said, in those drinking days, I certainly was not in my right mind.

Because you are not sane when you wish that someone would die. And in the back of my mind I often tried to figure out some way that I could get rid of him and not get found out. That's right, actually. And I've found a lot of companions on that too. To me I was trapped.

It was hopeless. This guy was never gonna sober up, you know? That strange things happen if you just give it time. Just give it time. Where was I?

Lost me. What was I talking about? Oh yes yes yes. To give everyone the dignity of a human being, to give them the freedom to find their own answers in their own time, in their own way, without interference from us, to give them the right to take the result of their behavior, The right to find out from making mistakes. The right to make mistakes and to be wrong.

I think we claim this for ourselves. I don't know why we shouldn't give it to every human being. And you know this does something for me at least that nothing else could have done. It takes judgment out of the picture. I no longer can judge anybody because I don't know what's going on inside of that person.

I don't have any conception of the hurt or the agony or the anxiety or the self condemnation that goes on inside of an alcoholic's mind. I've heard my husband say many times that one of the things that is most difficult for the non alcoholic to understand, when the non alcoholic says to the alcoholic, as we all seem to do, if you love me you couldn't possibly do this to me, and tell them that it's because you love them that you do it to them. This is a difficult one for the non alcoholic to understand, but I think I understand it today, because he could see what he was doing to his family. And the only relief he knew was to wash out his mind with booze and not have to think anymore. I can see that now.

But it's pretty hard and it takes a long time. But that is something else that we impatient people have to learn, is that it takes time. How long it takes it takes, and what it takes It takes both with the alcoholic and the non alcoholic. Release with love. It's just the opposite of rejection.

Just the opposite, to hold close with open hands. Because no one likes to be possessed, and no one likes to have you demand attention. It makes them want to run. Does me, and I'm not an alcoholic. Does me wanna run?

But it's a strange thing what happens when we can apply this release with love. And then get busy on ourselves to try to find out what makes us tick. What we need to do to grow. Because I'll tell you that if you have a mate who comes into AA before you go to Al Anon, watch your step girls, because you'll get so far ahead of you, so fast that you'll have a heck of a time catching up. Believe me, because this was my experience.

That's the beauty of it when the Al Anon goes to Al Anon be the non alcoholic goes to Al Anon before the alcoholic comes to AA. And she has a little head start on him and it won't be quite so hard. But when a guy comes to to a a ready and willing, they grow apace. And we better get busy and do something about it, or something will happen that we don't like very well. And, that's something that I want to talk a little bit about too, The family end of this problem.

I've been saying lately at any joint meeting that I happen to talk at, something that may cause some resentment amongst the alcoholics. I hope not. But I'm gonna say it anyway. And this is another place that I have grown. You see, I don't mind your disapproval anymore.

But I think it's something that I have watched, and there are too many, too many families breaking up after sobriety, and it's something that has disturbed me for some time. I don't know whether you're having that problem as much up here as we seem to be having it in the south. But everywhere I go it seems to be rampant. We're missing the boat somewhere. We're missing the boat.

And one of the places that it seems to me something might be done, I wish that AA would talk more about taking this program home. I think this is so important, because if we have an unhappy family, we have an unhappy AA in Al Anon, don't we? What is the use of this program if it doesn't bring us closer together? Because then, when one member is in Al Anon or Alatine, and one is in AA, it's identically the same program, each of us are working the program in our own particular way, then perhaps we can have communication for the first time in our lives. Because at long last we are able to share with each other rather than to tell each other.

And the necessity to argue and to convince the other fellow that we're right and they're wrong goes out the window, Because we give each other the right to our own opinion, and we can discuss without arguing. How beautiful it is when you see a family that is going down this pathway separately but together, like 2 railroad tracks. And my husband brought something to mind the other night when I said that. He said, Do you realize that when you look at 2 railroad tracks that way off in the distance they come together? And it's beautiful.

And the families that I see that are each practicing these principles to the best of their ability have peace and joy in their households. And the children that are going to Alatine are finding answers for themselves. But they find it in their way. And it isn't necessarily our way. And one of the reasons why we have such great difficulty, I think, in communicating with our young people, and this is the cry that is all over the world, we can't talk to each other.

Parents can't talk to their kids. The kids can't talk to the parents. The husband can't talk to the wife. The wife can't talk to the husband. Nations can't talk to each other.

It's crazy. And it's what's wrong with the world today, I am sure. Because we have to tell each other all the time from up here where we we sit, and we're not willing to share one with another. And I think, too, one of the reasons why families are breaking up sometimes is because we are growing, changing people. Those of us that are trying to live this program one day at a time.

Each day practically we're new people. New people. And there has to be a tremendous amount of readjusting all the time, almost daily. But the willingness and the flexibility to adjust is the thing that we need to learn how to use. The willingness to be flexible.

Because so many of us non alcoholics I know are managers. We're the managing type a lot of us, and we want things the way we want them, and it's pretty hard to give up the whip hand, you know. But, I think in Al Anon we learn something else that I think is tremendously important. We learn the light touch. The light touch.

We non alcoholics have an awful tendency to be too serious. Much too serious. And we go around with long faces and sad eyes. And why shouldn't the guy get drunk? We're just adding to his guilt.

You know? I would think that any man that comes home at night, drunk or sober, and sees a sad eyed, serious woman sitting around the house, that he want to go out and shoot himself. I would. And there are times too when I must admit I I have seen a few wives that I don't blame the husband for getting drunk. You want to know the truth?

Maybe I am one of those, I don't know. Oh my, but it's so wonderful to be able to laugh at yourself. So wonderful, because I took myself so terribly horribly seriously. And I took those steps and I beat my brains out, digging digging for defects of character, tearing myself apart and beating my breast. I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy.

And I've learned at long last, taking me a long time to learn this, and I'm trying to, my best way I can, to pass it on to anyone who will listen. My feeling about this, and that is you take those first three steps, to the best of your ability, and you come to the fourth the inventory step. And you look at yourself as well as you can at the moment. And you also try to find some good things about yourself. And then the 5th step says you share it with someone else.

And when we have done that, the 6th and the 7th say, we humbly ask God to remove these shortcomings, and these defects of character. Well, if we have really taken those first three steps, we have acquired a faith and a trust in our higher power that we cannot deny. If we are going to let God remove these defects of character, why do we have to keep on for years digging digging digging for defects of character and beating our breasts and saying, I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy. Evidently we don't trust God to remove these defects of character because we're forgetting that we have to amend steps to make, which my husband calls, and I like it so much that I'm going to use it. It feels like an inside shower.

And then you see we have a 10th step, which is our daily inventory. And when we have taken that 5th step, we have thrown the past away. And it is no longer important. Today is the thing that is important. Because you see, if you are looking at and living in the problem all the time, looking at and living in the problem, You're never really living in the answer, are you?

Never really living in the answer. Today is the thing that's important. What were my motives today? How did I handle myself today? Did I allow self pity to creep in today?

Was I kind and considerate today? These are the things that to me are important. Did I do as good a job today as I can do? And then you have the 11th and 12th, which I am sure is the thing that brings us eventually into this beautiful way of life with our meditation and prayer, and our sharing, our sharing. But one of the things that I think we're apt to forget is that that 12th step says, and practice these principles in all of our affairs.

All of our affairs. And that means at home, at work, at play, in school, and in AA and Al Anon, wherever we may happen to be. I have one other story that I would like to tell you because I think there are some, probably quite a few parents in this room. And I think this story is important because it brings out why I am so sure this program works, if you will just let it. Just let it.

You know, one of my friends down in Laguna in fact I think it came from the gal that started the Santa Monica group, Which to me is one of the most wonderful little things that I have to keep reminding myself of all the time. It goes like this: When you can stand aside and let God's will be done you free yourself from anxiety and a mistaken sense of responsibility. I guess one of the greatest phrases I ever heard. And this is what I want to give this little story about, because it was something I had to learn to do. We have 2 sons, as I said, and the younger one has been a problem to us, because he started retiring into himself as a young lad.

And he was a loner, and he wouldn't let people in his circle, and he began to push us away. And there came a great division and a great wall between us. And we saw him occasionally, but he he could care less whether we were around or not. And it was just one of those things that seemed to happen every once in a while in families. And one night I was sitting at home alone down in Laguna when Chuck was out talking, and the phone rang and it was my son.