The 60th annual Texas State AA Convention in Dallas, TX

Thank you. Hi everybody. My name is Larsene. I'm a very grateful member of Al Anon. Hi, Larsene.

Oh, I just love Texas. I just absolutely love coming here. There are so many people that are just terrific, just absolutely wonderful. I wish I could just pack you all home and take you with me and, it's just that I just can't even say the hospitality here. I've never been any place in Texas where I haven't felt at home almost immediately and, I think you guys are fabulous and I love you very much.

I wanna thank, you know, everything was just absolute like I say, it's just been absolutely wonderful and, Debbie and James picked us up at the airport and got us over here. They didn't know they were supposed to pick us up, but they got us anyway. We really appreciate that. Thank you. And And then we've been out with Ellen and Dick and Beverly and Beverly and George and it's just been wonderful.

And there's so many people here that I've gotten to know over, you know, the course of years and I don't get to see you near as often as I'd like to, but, know that I love you and, and again, how grateful I am to be here. It's always a little bit hard being the only Al Anon speaker at an AA conference. You kind of feel like the corpse at an Irish funeral. Nobody expects you to say much, but they can't have the party without you. And So, you know, and your AA lineup is just, you know, just absolutely fabulous.

I mean, but it kind of cracks me up that you have these 2 just absolutely southern gentlemen, actually more than 2, and and then you have Patty O for your spiritual closing speaker. I'm just like there was no Al Anon contribution to that part of the program, I'm sure. But, anyway, it's always really fun to come. I get to, you know, I get to do this every so often and, you know, and most of the time they are AA conferences. It always kinda ticks me off a little bit because everywhere you go, there's a giant AA banner, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous.

And then on the flyer, a little tiny print, it says, without an odd participation. And that always kind of pisses me off a lot, you know, because it's like, boy, when you guys were in jail, you wanted some Al Anon participation. Yeah. Yeah. No money in the wallet, we want some Al Anon participation, you know.

So but I am grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous more than words can ever say. I love AA. I love going to AA meetings and I and I cannot recommend enough, especially to new people in Al Anon, to get enough to go to open meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. It says in our Al Anon literature that we should learn all that we can about the disease of alcoholism. And as far as I'm concerned, there's no better place to learn that than in open meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I have learned so many valuable things that I've been able to bring into my life, from the generosity of Alcoholics Anonymous and, and I just want AA to know before I start talking that I really do love you very, very, very. Much. May get lost a little bit in there, but but I do. So I'm just gonna leap into this deal and just tell you a little bit about what it was like, what happened, and what it's like for me today. I'm the oldest of 4 kids, and my dad was a master sergeant in the army, so that made me the automatic corporal of my family.

You know, my husband jokes that I came out of the womb carrying a clipboard and, wearing an armband, and, he's not too far off the mark. Ever since I can remember when I was in school, I was always room monitor, cafeteria monitor, playground monitor because I'm very good at writing what other people do wrong. I write it down, and I can't wait to report it. I mean, it's I live for that. And and then Al Anon is where I absolutely positively needed to be.

There's no doubt about that. But, you know, but I was always that way and it didn't matter if the kids were bigger than me or older than me or they were boys. If they did something wrong, by God, their name was going down on the list and they were getting told on. Because I grew up with a lot of rules and a lot of regulations and for me, and I say this just for me because my sisters my brother did not go near as well, but I liked it. I like knowing what you want me to do.

I like having a piece of paper. I love instructions. You know, I just sure. Just give me the piece of paper that tells me where we're supposed to go, what we're supposed to do, how we're supposed to get there. And I just couldn't be happier.

And pretty much that's kind of been my whole that's my life, that's what I do. You know, I had to go to meetings for 3 years before I could leave the 6 items or less aisle alone, you know, and not go near there even when I only when I have a full, you know, cart full of groceries, I still gotta buzz by there and see who's violating the regulations. You know, it's a sickness I know today, but I'm working on it. But anyway, I grew up in this family and like I say, my dad was a master sergeant. He just ruled our family with an iron fist.

My dad, was also a daily drinker. I had no idea that my dad was alcoholic or that it was even a problem in our home because that's just the home that I grew up in. I just arrived there and that's all the knowledge that I had and that's as far as I was concerned how all homes were. Dad drinks, he gets drunk, he yells at mom, he yells at us, you know, and that's just the way that dads operate and that's just kind of what goes on. And, and again, I didn't think that there was anything wrong with it.

It was just the home that I grew up in. And when I was really new in Al Anon, I went to a lot of open AA meetings and, I heard one speaker one night, an AA speaker and I, you know, again I can't tell you everything he said but I do remember it seemed to me that his whole talk was about alcoholism, the family disease. That's what his talk was about. And he described alcoholism in the home is like having a rhinoceros in your living room but everybody pretends it's a coffee table. And you couldn't describe the house that I grew up in any better than that because my dad would get to the point where he was ready to have one of his alcoholic explosions and my mom would know that this was coming.

And she could never say to us kids, you know, now don't anybody say anything or do anything because your dad's ready to blow up because that, of course, would have cost my dad would blow up just because my mom said something. So my mom, you know, the first thing that I know that goes away in alcoholic homes is that really any kind of form of verbal communication. So my mom would facially communicate to us, you know, that there was trouble. So, you know, we'd be at the dinner table. My mom would, you know, this kind of stuff.

And it's not an epileptic fit, you know. It's warning warning and, of course, us kids all knew it, you know, so everybody would just look down at their plate. Nobody would look up. But, you know, if you got an alcoholic that wants to blow up, it's gonna happen anyway. Somebody would do some minor offense, you know, scratch a knife on a plate, spill some milk, and bah boom.

You know, dinner would go flying. Everybody would be getting a spanking. Everybody would be yelled and screamed at and cursed at. We'd all have to go to bed. 5 o'clock in the afternoon, we all got to go to bed.

The kids, my mom, the dog, everybody's got to go. You know, and then the next morning you wake up and you get up the courage to creep down the hallway into the kitchen and there's my dad with his breakfast beer. And it would just be like, good morning. What do you want for breakfast? And no one ever said gee whiz.

What was that about last night, dad? Gee whiz. How come you had to hit everybody? How come you had to throw dinner on the floor? Nobody said anything because you just want it to be over and the rhinoceros just goes back to being a coffee table again.

You know and again that's just the absolutely perfect description of how it was in our house. And my dad was a very verbally and physically abusive person and, and for a long time, I could never understand why my mom would put up with with some of the things that she did and subject her children, you know, to some of the things, you know, that my dad did. And my mom finally ended up divorcing my dad after I was gone and married. And, and I was very, very fearful of my mom for for my mom because my dad was always gonna kill her. If you ever leave me, I'm killing you.

That was my dad's big thing was to kill us all the time. And so I just really and so I said to her, so I said, you know, aren't you really afraid that dad's gonna kill you? And, you know, and it just kind of shows you how alcoholism, the family disease because my mom said, you know, I've gotten to the point where I'd rather be dead than live this way one more day. You know, and that's the path that my mom had to go on. And, and anyway and they got divorced and my dad didn't kill her.

It was all big show. And, but at any rate but my dad was like I said, he was a master sergeant. He he was in missiles and tanks and all this stuff and he always had like rocket fuel and hand grenades and stuff like that laying around. And, and again, normal behavior in our house. I didn't think it was anything unusual.

And, you know, we finally got old enough to date. My dad had lots and lots of rules and regulations about dating and we had to bring these little weenie guys in to meet my dad. And And my dad was over 6 foot tall and he had one eyebrow. He could raise like 6 inches off of his forehead. So he just looked like Satan himself standing there, you know, and and he'd be talking to these little weenie guys and he'd have a sawed off shotgun on the table or a hand grenade or some kind of bizarre thing, you know, which we didn't think was any big deal but apparently, it freaked these guys out and, because he'd be standing over there, you know, telling them the rules and regulations about dating his daughters.

Where are you going? What time are you gonna be back? And what part of their anatomy he would remove if we were not returned in the virginal condition of which we left the house? I mean, it was pretty straightforward rules and regulations. I didn't know what all the hubbub was about, but so anyway, it was really hard to get a second date in my house.

It was almost impossible. Guys would bring us home. Thank you very much. Never see him again. That would kind of be the deal.

And, you know, and that's kind of again where where my mom, you know, where where for many, many years, I thought my mom did nothing. I thought she absolutely did nothing. And what I know is that, you know, my mom was married to the alcoholic variety that was, that was angry and and and physically and verbally. And, and and I watched my mom now now that I'm away from it and can look back, you know, I watched my mom try and do everything that she could in her power to make our life as children as normal as she possibly could. And so my mom would lie for us and she would cover up for us and so that we could get to do some of these things that were going on, You know, and, you know, and I will needless to say, I was an overachiever in school, you know, but I would never have my parents come to any of the assemblies or any of the awards things at the end of the school year because if you've ever had a drunken father show up at a school function, then you know that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization is just not reserved for the alcoholic.

And, you know, and so my mom, you know, I would she would hide my certificates and, you know, and do all this kind of stuff. You know, today, when I came into Allianon, you know, I had a hard time with my mom. I thought that, it was her fault that we had to go through so much of this stuff and blah blah blah. And, you know, I I remember one time asking my mom, gee, mom, why did stay married to dad for so long? You know, and my sisters were there and she says, well I stayed married because of you kids.

You know, and we were like, gee whiz. Thanks. What can we get you for Christmas next year? You know, it's just like this, but you know what I know is my this is in the fifties, you know, and back then that's just you did what you did. And, you know, and she didn't have the services, you know, and the knowledge that's available to us today.

I mean, the fact that we know that there are recovery programs out there. My mom never heard of Al Anon, never heard of anything like that. My mom grew up in a world where this is your life, you made your bed, you sleep in it, you do the very best with what you got. You know, and it's because of that, you know, and because of coming to these meetings and hearing older women share in Alcoholics Anonymous when I was new, that there was a lot of healing and forgiveness between my mother and I. Now my mom is not very, very fond of Al Anon to this day.

She personally thinks it's a brainwashing, you know, you guys are just brainwashing people. I told her mom whose brain needs more washing than mine? I do not know but, but my mom has accepted Al Anon and the fact that I participated in it to the level that I do because it makes me happy and because my mom really does love me and care about me, she accepts the fact that I am happy here. It she absolutely thinks it's just just the biggest abomination for me to share any family crap from this here podium. And, and so my mother has not given me the seal of approval to say anything that I'm saying, but, but I'm here to tell you that my mom did the very best she could with what she had.

She is a loving, warm woman and, and I'm very very close to her because of you. Because I've learned in now and on, it's my job to be the best daughter that I know how to be. And because of the things you have taught me, I let her be the best mom that she knows how to be and, and believe you she is she is more than that to me and I can't thank you enough for the relationship that I have with my mom today that got healed here. But anyway, you know, my dad was a whole another different story. We were just pretty much terrified of him.

There's just no other way to get around it and, and my dad died when I was 1 year in Al Anon. He died at 55. He died the death that they talk about in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, total insanity and then death and, and it was not pretty. I can't even tell you the last words that my father said to me, because it was that vulgar and, and it's just not repeatable from from this podium. But, but I was only in Al Anon a year so I wasn't to the loving, forgiving part of the program yet.

And, and my idea when he died and my sisters, I mean, we were all at the hospital and we were like ding dong, the witch's dead, witch's dead, witch's dead witch, the wicked witch. And, and I you know, and I'm telling you because this is the truth. This is this is exactly how we felt. And, you know, but but what I came to find over that is that because see, I thought when my dad died, the reign of terror would be over. I thought that would be it and it would be over.

You know, I had absolutely no idea that my dad suffered from a horrible disease called alcoholism. And, and I had to do a lot a lot of work in Al Anon about that. And I, you know, because I, you know, I just thought when he died, the deal would be done. And if that worked if that worked, then none of us would really need to be in an Al Anon meeting. We'd all be at the penitentiary, you know, because just kill them and be done with it, and we'll all go to jail together and be happy there.

But, you know so I'm I'm telling you this because if you're thinking about killing them, don't waste your time. It's you're still gonna have all the problems. Nothing's gonna change there. But I did a lot of writing, and I did a lot of work about stuff about my dad and my resentments, you know, and and just, you know, because I could never understand why a man would go to the trouble to marry somebody and have children and just to be mean to him and say mean things to him. I just didn't understand what that was all about.

And, like I say, I didn't know anything about really much about the disease of alcoholism and, I did a lot of work on it. I did a lot of writing about it and, and still I would just get these horrible feelings, just icky feelings, just make me feel bad when I would think about, you know, something would happen and I just this little thing about when we were little and this and that and it would just make me feel terrible. And I remember one time talking to my about it. She said to me, you know, you've done all the writing and we've done the inventory and everything else on that. I'm really satisfied about the footwork you've done on this thing, She says, but now we need to get out of what happened and we need to get into the solution.

So she goes, what I want you to do from now on, and she says, I want you to go home and I want you to think about some nice thing your dad did. You know, and my initial reaction was no way. And what I know about the family disease of alcoholism is it is a negative disease. You know, alcoholism, the family disease only wants you to see the bad that's going on all the time. That's how the family disease part of it works.

And so I didn't think that I could come up with anything but I took on the assignment. And I don't know how long it took me a couple of weeks. And I remembered that my dad taught me how to drive. You know, so if you're going to live in Southern California and you're going to marry an alcoholic later on, knowing how to drive is very crucial to all. You must know this.

And so, and so I came back to her and I said, well, you know, he did teach me how to drive and I'm very, very grateful for that. And she says, that's fabulous, wonderful. She goes, now whenever those unwholesome feelings, when you start all that bad stuff, you start feeling that stuff again. She goes, I want you to replace that negative thing that happened with this positive thing that your dad taught you how to do. You know, and it wasn't very much longer after that that I thought of a second good thing that my dad did.

And then there was a third thing, and then there was a 4th thing, and then there was a 5th thing. Because like I say, the family disease of alcoholism doesn't want you to see. And what I got out of that exercise and that gift was that I knew that my dad loved me to the very best of his ability, sick, drunk, alcoholic that he was. See, I had an idea. I made up these rules and regulations about how a dad is supposed to look and what a dad is supposed to be and what a dad is supposed to do.

And my dad was not wrapped like that. He did not come with a bright yellow bow. My dad came in a brown paper sack. But does it make my dad any less valuable than the ones that come in the in the big yellow bow? You know, because the real gift that comes out of this program for me is the gift of forgiveness.

And I was able to forgive my dad not for his sake, but for my sake. Because I don't know how your life is, but when I'm full of crap and I'm full of unwholesome feelings and that's what's going on inside, that's what comes out outside. And even though this man is no longer alive, those were still the stuff. And I have children on my own now, so guess who's getting the brunt of those bad feelings and those bad thoughts. So make no mistake about forgiveness.

You know, I love in our literature how it says, forgiveness is no favor. We do it for nobody but ourselves because forgiveness lets you move on and that's what I've been able to do. And now when I think about my dad, I think he's in a good place now and I think he's with his higher power and I can't wait to see my dad because my eyes have been opened to so much different stuff and recognize the fact that he was a sick guy, and that's just the way that it was. But it like I say, for a long time, it was really hard for me. My dad was cremated and military thing and everything, but they brought me the ashes because he had this big thing about he wanted to be planted in a tree where the grandkids could play on and blah blah blah.

We planted them in a tree. The tree died almost instantaneously. And that's the truth. But I remember they brought my dad they brought the ashes to me and I was at home alone and and here come that. Okay.

The the nonmilitary guys come and they do all the thing and they salute. They hand me the they hand me my dad's ashes and and I was all by myself and and it was just I just was like and then I was mad. Oh, I was so mad at him and I knew he couldn't talk back. And, and so I took the ashes and I took them down to our garage and I stuck them on the shelf and I said, you sit here and you think about what you did. But, you know, today I feel my dad's love and I'm really really grateful to this program one more time because where did I learn all this too?

From open meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, from hearing alcoholics tell terrible stories and terrible things that they did to their family, that they didn't wanna do to their family, that the disease of alcoholism means to do to your family. And and again, the relationship that I have with my whole family now is based on Larsene being the best daughter she knows how to be, Larsene being the best sister or aunt or whatever my role is supposed to be and letting those people that I love be exactly who they are supposed to be. But when I was, 17 years old, I met my husband. I should have known there was really wrong with him because my dad liked him right away and, and my dad never liked anybody right away and that went right over my head. And we went on this date with this other couple and we went bowling and, and it was impossible not to beat him at bowling.

And and I remember, we after we left the bowling alley, we were gonna go back to to his place. Now I was 17. He was about 24 at the time. He's several years older than I am and he'd been married once before. And we were gonna go back to his place, but he was back living with his mom and dad, which might have been clue number 2 to me that there was something wrong with them, but that went right over my head.

And, way back to his place where with this other couple and he stopped at a liquor store and he asked me what I'd like to drink. And I don't drink. I'm 17 years old. There are rules and regulations in the state of California about exactly how old you have to be to drink and I told him what they were. And, but apparently, he didn't hear me and, he stopped at a liquor store and got a gallon of Red Mountain wine.

If nothing else to impress me, what he can consume in sheer volume alone in about an hour's time. But, we went back to his house and he was we were drinking this wine and playing this card game or something. And, and I ended up having, I think about a glass and a half of this wine. And, you know, and and again, one more time, you know, I'm a rule stickler and I'm with this guy 3 hours and I'm breaking a rule already. You know, already he's gotten me breaking a rule.

And, and again, right over my head. And, so anyway, I had about a glass and a half of this wine and I am not a drinker at all. I mean, a glass and a half of wine. Woo hoo. Happy happy happy.

And, and Butch says I'm a very easy lay It takes but, not that night, but, because there are some rules and regulations. But anyway, I had my glass and a half wine and I'm like out of it. I remember him driving me back home and he's at the steering wheel, his hands in the proper 3 o'clock position on the steering wheel and he's had 10 times what I've had. And I remember right away thinking, this guy can he can hold his liquor. You know, because I want you to know I grew up I grew up around drinking.

I grew up around bar fights and and, you know, we'd have these army picnics and the MPs would show up and, you know, all this stuff. And I saw all the ugliness and the wives that walking around with black eyes and all that stuff. Believe you me, at 17 years old, I knew that I wanted nothing to do with anybody that did that kind of stuff. Absolutely positively. I was not gonna marry anybody like my dad.

That was in cement. That was number one rule and regulation. But I watched my husband drive home and and another thing is, see, my husband is a happy guy when he's drinking. He's mister friendly. He's mister nice.

There's no mean going on there at at all, any way, shape, or form. He's just this wonderful fun guy. So I do what I've done pretty much all of my life. See, I don't like to ask people things because I don't wanna act like I don't know anything. So I just, you know, I call it it's information floating around the universe and I just think it up, lands here, becomes back for me.

And so he was driving and he drank a lot. He's not like my daddy. He doesn't have a problem with drinking, you know. And that's just exactly, you know, where I was focused on. And, and and my husband likes to drink.

He likes to drink a lot. You know, we started dating pretty exclusively from that point on. I never went on a date with him that didn't involve alcohol no matter where we were going. If it had to be smuggled in, snuck in, you know, drink it outside, come back in or whatever. He he was a big time drinker from the very, very beginning and, and it was really hard to date my husband basically because he had a hard time remembering my name.

But if you're gonna date an alcoholic, you can't let a little thing like that get in the way. I mean, that's just that's the tip of the iceberg, people. Just the tip of the iceberg and he'd call me Lorraine or something close to that, and it was fine with me. I didn't mind. He was going he knows my name now.

Don't worry. He's got it down pretty bad. And, and anyway, so we dated and, you know, when all this stuff was going on. And I want you to know from the very beginning, my husband was upfront with his drinking. There was no hiding it.

He didn't pretend. He's a disappearing drunk. He's a blackout drinker. All of that very, very clear to me in the 1st month that we were dating. Lots of drugs mixed in on there.

You know, it's the early seventies. We're in California. That's what he does. He doesn't hide it. He doesn't pretend he doesn't do it.

And I share this with you because I want you to know that later on, you know, when our life got really, really bad behind the drinking and the drug use and all of that kind of stuff, if you would have said to me, Larsene, did you have any idea that Butch was drinking like he was drinking? That he was a blackout drinker? That he was doing drugs? I would have told you that I had no idea that any of that was going on. You know, because that's how I'm affected by the fact that idea that any of that was going on, you know, because that's how I'm affected by the family disease of alcoholism.

Because when the truth gets too hard for me to look at, I just make up new shit. Lands right here, it comes back to me. You know, because that's how I function. That's just how I keep on down my path. That's my family disease even though I'm not the person that's drinking or using the drugs.

Right away, I'm go I'll lie. I'll cheat. I'll do whatever just as well too to make my story look better than his story, whatever the deal is. And again, that's not anything I'm proud of. I'm just telling you where the family disease of alcoholism took me as well.

You know, so, you know, so we went on this dating thing for a couple of years and what ended up happening is I ended up getting pregnant and I share this with you again because later on when our life got really, really bad behind the drinking, I was sure it was because, you know, I'd broken the big rule and the big regulation of all time, you know, and this was the big punishment from gotten pregnant and this is this is my cross to bear now. And, I'm gonna be married to this drunk and no good SOB for the rest of my life and la la la because this is the punishment that goes with that. And again, I make up all these ridiculous rules and regulations. I never ask anybody. It just lands here and it becomes fact for me.

And, and I was in Al Anon, maybe into my it was going into my 2nd year and we have in Southern California the AFG Southern California Convention. And we do the deal where we get all these Al Anon women and we pack as many Al Anon women into the hotel room as we can, you know. And we were up there that first night. We were having what I call the meeting after the meeting up in the room and 7 of us are in the room. And and again, I don't know that this is what said that this was what was said.

But what I heard was I heard every woman sharing their deepest, darkest secret with me. You know, it was like we were just doing this group. Don't ask me where who started or how it came, but that's how the sharing was going around. So when it came around to my turn, I shared with these other 6 women how I had gotten pregnant when, you know, I had to get, married because I was pregnant. You know, and and out of 7 of us in a room, turns out 6 of us had to get married because we were pregnant.

And we decided the 7th was the sickest because she married an alcoholic and did not have to. But one more time, you know, you get to learn you are as sick as your secrets. And, because I want you to know that up until that point, what had happened for me is again, is our life day after day, month after month, year after year got progressively worse. Me without a program, me, how I'm affected by the family disease of alcoholism, I started looking at that little boy that I had and I started blaming that little boy because boy, if I hadn't gotten pregnant with this kid, I wouldn't be stuck with this guy and I wouldn't be having this crappy life that I'm having right now. And again, not anything that I'm proud of.

I'm here to tell you where the disease of alcoholism took me and I'm not even the person that's drinking. That I would blame a little precious child for the choices that I was making and the decisions that were only mine to make that had nothing to do with that kid because that is the sickness of the family disease of alcoholism. And what I got that day was I got freedom from that because it's no longer a secret and it's no longer a big deal anymore. And that boy is 31 years old today and I just absolutely love him as much as a mom can love a son. You know, and again one more time, I owe all of that to you, absolutely all of the relationship that I have with my family today to all of you and I'm really, really grateful.

But anyway, I ended up, Butch and I ended up getting married a month after our son was born And, and this was good for me because when you said to me, were you pregnant when you got married? No. I was not. I'm like, what's not? There was a 1 month old baby at the ceremony, but I didn't have to explain that part.

You didn't say it was there a 1 month old baby at the ceremony. You said were you pregnant when you got married. No, I was not. And, that was very, very important and I wanted you to know that, you know, and, you know, and every so often I'd be at a work thing and then but you'd have come to this work function with me and all the way to the work function, I would tell him, no. Somebody asked you what year we got married, you tell them blah blah blah so it works out in chronological order that I know you want it to work out so I look good.

You know, so I don't know how many parties you've been to, but I've yet to be the one yet where they go, Butch, it's nice to meet you. What year did you and Larsene get married? No one ever seems to care as much as I seem to think that they do, but it's funny. I always like to share this story because several years ago, somebody actually asked Butch how long we were married, and he just looked at me like, oh my god. What do I do?

You know, at that point, we've been married, like, 25 years, you know, and I told him I've written about it. I've done an inventory. It's okay. You can tell the truth now, honey. But, again, one more time.

So, anyway, Butch and I got married, a month after, you know, our son was born. And up until this point, I'd never said anything to him about his drinking or his drugs. Nothing. I'd never said one word. But I want you to know that I watched my mom for years do nothing.

So I knew the silent treatment was not the way to go. I am proud to report to you that my husband begged for the silent treatment. He never got it. Not one time. Not one time.

I was like one of those little dogs that was just like the minute he walk in the door just ning ning ning and every four letter combination of words that I could think of. And I don't even know why, but I was positive that if I cursed with the right mothers and efers in the right order, like, he would have some spiritual awakening. You know, like, I am so sorry, Larsene, to make my sweet little wife curse like a longshoreman. I will stop drinking immediately. You know?

Again, information from nowhere. Lands here becomes fact for me and I start functioning on that kind of stuff. Because from the very beginning, I don't understand why he doesn't come home. Because see, after we're married and it's him and it's me and I love him so very much, it's gonna be different. It's just gonna be different.

My love is gonna fix it. I mean, I'm just gonna love him and take care of him, but he just wouldn't stay in the same spot long enough for me to do anything because he's a moving kind of a drunken guy. And, and one time somebody asked him, butch, were you a bar drinker or a home drinker? And I answered the question for him because I am factual person here and I know all the facts. And I said, he was a bar drinker.

And then he turned to the guy and he said I wanted to be a home drinker, but couldn't go there. Thank you very much for sharing. Yes. I know. Sterling's chin music story just irritated the crap out of me last night.

But anyway but we started, you know, Bush says our little war. It was no little war. It started from the video. I mean, the war was on. We we took it.

There was the Red Army and there was the Blue Army. And I don't have to tell you which was which and and the battle was just on because it just came my compulsion where he was going. I mean, we we aren't even married a week and I and I'm, you know, and I'm supposed to be the bride and this is our role, our honeymoon and, you know, the 1st month of our marriage. And the first words out of my mouth every morning are, are you going to work today? You know, and then off we'd, you know, run on this or something.

And he would pretend to go to work today just to get out of the house, you know, baby and then for me to go to work today. And then, do, you know, and then wait for me to pack up the baby and then for me to go to work today, and then the games just started. And then I'd leave and then he'd come home. Then I'd come home at lunch, but then he knew I was coming home at lunch. So then he'd leave when I was home at lunch because he he knows my time schedule.

Damn. And, you know, and just the absolute insanity that goes with all of that. I mean, I so then I got tricky. I would leave the TV guide closed when I went, to work in the morning because if I came home and then the TV guide was open, And, but doesn't mean nothing if they don't come home for 5 days. I mean, it just is like it kinda lost all of its, you know, flavor in there and doing all that kind of stuff.

So I tried to help him. I tried to show him how to drink. I sat him at the kitchen table, you know, and stuff like that. And, you know, and initially when we were first married, you know, I I kind of skipped over this part but, you know, like the day after we were married to be more precisely. I sat him at the kitchen table and I told him, you know, the rules and regulations of the marriage because he needed to know those right away.

I wanted to be sure he was clear on them. And I told him, you know, I I want you to be happy and, you know, and do what you wanna do, but, you know, we can't do all this party stuff. We got a kid. We have responsibilities. We have to save money.

We to buy a house. I've got a plan here. And, you know, we're gonna babysitter once a month and we'll go out and party, but that's the deal. You know, when I asked him if he understood the rules and regulations of the And he heard And he heard and he heard what he always hears when I'm talking to him about serious stuff that he doesn't wanna hear. He heard blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

And pretty much that was our communication code from that point on because like I said, he started disappearing from the very day. The 3rd day of our marriage, he didn't come home for all night long. The 3rd day we're married, you know, so I know. I know that something has to be done. And, you know, so I started helping him.

I sat him at the kitchen table. I pretended to pour myself a glass of whiskey. I took a sip of it. I looked at my watch. I go, oh, it's 6:15, guys.

Time for me to go home for dinner. Pick up the car keys, walk towards the door, Come back. Can you do that? He gives me the nod. Yeah, I can do it.

You know, and stuff like that. Till the next day, 6:15, 7:15, 8:15, 9:15, :15, and just the insanity and the craziness and the stuff that just keeps going on and on. And I'm not asking anybody and I'm not telling anybody. I'm just thinking this stuff up and it lands here and it becomes back for me. And telling anybody.

I'm just thinking this stuff up and it lands here and becomes back for me. 1 night he's passed out cold. I spent half the night whispering in his ear, you don't want to drink. You just want to work and bring Larsene the check. You don't want to drink.

You just want to work and bring Larsene the check. I mean, thousands of times, I probably police said it that night. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And, and it just gets crazier and it just gets crazier and crazier.