The Deerfield Beach 5 or more groups first annual gratitude dinner in Deerfield Beach, FL

And ladies and gentlemen, please have warm welcome for Chris Spar. My name's Chris Raymer. I am a recovered alcoholic. This is this is a hoot. I don't know if it's about a year ago David called and emailed first, I guess, or called and and booked me to come do this.

He said, we got this little group in Boca and just come and visit this nice little group you got. I didn't think there were this many drunks in Florida. Oh, jeez. If you squint your eyes from here though, it just freaks me out. If you squint your eyes, I'll be it's like talking in New Jersey.

I've never seen so many gangster looking buckaroos in my life. Women are babes, women are you guys no wonder everybody's moving to Florida. Guys, I'm grateful to be here. I want to thank David and the committee and even the cats that arranged it and, just what a hoot. My wife, Patty, when y'all were going through the hurricane deal, you know, she looked up on the TV and said, well, I guess you can mark that one off, you know, because, you won't be going to Florida in 3 weeks.

And, you know, what a bunch of drugs. What can I say? It's the coolest and I'm I'm so grateful to be here. For any of you that suffered financial loss or on and on and on, my prayers were with you, everybody in Texas was. So, I wanna mention a couple of things.

I know we got a lot of very new people here and, I wanna look at the watch so I don't I'll go over. I, you know, that 5050 raffle is a cool thing. You all need to make sure that y'all understand that, I didn't get the other half of that raffle. You know, when I'm asked to speak, it's first come, first serve, and I don't care how many people are there. If it's a member if it's a if it's a fellowship of alcohol, it's anonymous that wants me to come do it.

I I I fly anywhere. They pay my expenses. For something else that might be wondering. No free golf games, no hookers, which I think is pretty cheap at the bastard stuff. It's so good.

It's great. It's like old home week. You know, so many of y'all have picked up cards of mine and CDs, and y'all contacted me and called me at the house and and visit. We and I get to know so many of y'all long distance. The Internet is the wonderful thing with emails, and it's so cool to to meet some of y'all that I have emailed to for years.

I finally got to meet Carla. I've been emailing her back and forth when she was still living up in Maine and and get get her put a name on the face and somehow the email but somehow the email, you know, laugh out loud doesn't do justice to that laugh. Driving back from the airport today, it kinda caught me off guard there for a minute. She seemed like such a sane person on the email. And now she's retarded.

I, I work in a in a in a treatment center and have for 13 years. And, I'm in and around the treatment center industry, and, I'm certainly not here representing those facilities. I'm a big fan of treatment. For many of us, it was the only way to go to get to get where we are today. My passion, absolute passion in this program, comes from the fact that, I nearly died getting here and I'm the real McCoy and I'm gonna talk a little bit about that tonight.

I just I had such a tough time getting sober. I was 7 years in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous picking up desire chips before I finally got sober. And, I watched 100 and 100 and 100 of people die of this disease on on a I mean, guys, every week we got somebody else dying, from our hospital and others that I know of. And, it's just a tragic deal. Alcoholism and drug addiction both are are devastating and and here's what I want you to hear before I get into this little tirade, because because I the CDs are wonderful.

You know, you'll pick up those CDs and you'll listen to them but a lot of times you'll get it in the middle and you miss this first part and I've started doing this last couple of years because I got tired of listening to you guys call me pissed off mad. It's not my intention to make anybody mad. I'm just I'm just here my experience is my experience. You ain't gonna take that away from me. And in the same breath, I'm gonna say I'm not gonna stand up here and tell your story.

This is my story. Some of you got to Alcoholics Anonymous and you sit in these meetings all day long and you talk about your day and your problems and you're sober 30 years and you think that's the way it's supposed to be. Buddy, that's just rock and roll. Good job. Go for it.

That's not my experience and I and I have nothing else to share but my experience. I'm just you know, we're we're we're hamstrung here because everybody believes what they hear to be gospel. You come from a treatment. I I cannot tell you how many people I talk to, and it's been wonderful this afternoon being up here listening to how so many of y'all have a lot of the same experiences I was having and and and have been, we got a lot of people on the page in this room and I feel very almost said, comfortable doing this. I've never felt comfortable behind the podium.

I'd rather eat a cat turd than do this. How's that for a piece of honesty? But I, Yeah. I hear it all, well, my sponsor said oh, my my counselor said, you know, my treatment center said, you know, that's all great and good and wonderful, but how do I know I mean, at a certain point, folks, let me ask you this question. What's the message of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Message of Alcoholics Anonymous is the 12 steps so that we can have the necessary spiritual experience and and overcome our obsession with the alcohol. Am I right? You are right. We just read the traditions. They they read them wonderfully up here.

We have one primary purpose, that's to carry the message of hope to the newcomer. Carry the message, the message of the 12 steps. Now guys, if your sponsor is telling you anything different than what the 12 steps say, you might wanna hold it suspect because because here's what I'm saying. And then and you guys can decide if you wanna stay or go because the rest of the story is just gonna go downhill from here. Alcoholics Anonymous is the fellowship that you can join on demand.

You walk in the door and say I'm an alcoholic, you you are a member. And you can sit in our meetings and say anything you wanna say and nobody's gonna say anything. I'm down with that. Because a lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous that are not alcoholics. Hard to believe.

Hard to believe. You see, my book says quite clearly that we're suffering from a fatal illness. And it also says on page 34 that if you can get sober on a non spiritual basis, you're not one of us. If you don't need god to get sober, if you just need the fellowship, you're not one of us. Thanks, mom.

We can also just stand up here, right? We've probably got 400 people in here and some of y'all look like deer in the headlights. Like, what's he saying? But I'm saying unless you've had the experience of dying of a fatal illness, maybe you won't understand my passion. Maybe you won't understand my rigidity.

When I watch somebody coming into these meetings acting a fool, I, my sponsor said I could do this any way I want. You your sponsor's trying to kill you. If you're the real McCoy. You know. I'm gonna say this now and I'm, and I'll probably say it again before I'm off this podium, but at what point did it become okay not to tell the newcomer how to get sober?

Because you can go to, any meeting here in Florida, Texas, anywhere I speak, and close your eyes and sit in the back and listen to see what you hear coming out of people's mouths and imagine yourself a newcomer and you may or may not hear the solution. We've got this idea that sooner or later, the alcoholic's gonna stick. You know, my experience is sooner or later, an alcoholic gets tired of trying and tries to do what I did in 1987 and that's commit suicide. We die folks. Still to this day, we die by the 1,000.

When did it become acceptable not to tell the newcomer how to get well? I grew up down in the Hill Country, Texas. It's about 60 miles from San Antonio and, Appalachia of Texas. It's truly there's there's my living little town. It's about 1700 people and there's areas What happens in the water?

What happens in the water? What happens to the body? This is what happens to the body? Don't save anybody. It's just it's yeah.

It is a tough place to be. I don't the the family trees just have one little stalk. It's got it's got lambs on there, you know. Little guys running around with eyes on 2 eyes on one and it's just you know, like, looks like it looks like flowers. It's a little inbred back up in there and there's a lot of drinking.

I, I started drinking. I've got an identical twin brother. We started drinking in high school. My father was an alcoholic and, alcoholism and drug addiction, folks, we know without a shadow of a doubt, it's genetic. There's a genetic predisposition to it and and it and it's it's it's understood today.

We're born that way. A lot of you guys are really disappointed because you've been milking this crap for years, you know. I'm an alcoholic because of Vietnam. No, you're not. You're an alcoholic because you were born this way.

Did Vietnam exacerbate the problem? Probably. You're down with this? Yep. A lot of you are not.

Don't know what to tell you except read the book. I, I got a little sister that's about a year and 3 months younger than me. She never had a problem with alcohol, got a half sister that never had a problem with alcohol. We make fun of them. It's the holiday season.

A few weeks, what? Thanksgiving. They'll all be over at the house, they'll all be having a little chicken what do you call them? Mimosas? You know, you pour a little champagne and orange juice, you know, and you drink, oh, cheers.

Everybody like that. Maybe she'll set it down and she won't touch another drop. It just freaks me out. I said, Lisa, you want you you wanna you wanna finish this? She said, no.

It's it's got it's hot. It's hot just because you keep screwing with it. You're so angry. Like my dad and but what people don't understand is that the effect that that alcohol has on me is completely different than the effect that my little sister has. And I mean, we just keep waiting for her to blossom into something.

It has I don't know. Started drinking in high school. I remember my first drink. The month that Bill Wilson, our cofounder, passed away, in 1971, I picked up my first drink. A bottle of Boone's Palm Apple Wine.

Oh, we suspect the losers. You all know that? Oh, man. It's nasty. I can remember everything about that bottle.

Everything about the color, everything about the taste, everything about the night I drank it. We're down at the river underneath the big old 700 year old Cypress tree and both at just I remember everything about it. Guys, have you ever wondered? Everybody in here nodding your head if you could remember your first dream. I can't tell you, I don't have a can you tell me about the first time you ate green beans?

It was Thanksgiving. Thank you. No. Here's the grinder. I, was what we would call a functioning alcoholic.

A lot of y'all can identify. I had a period of of of of time when alcohol, did for me, all the things what original reasons why I started. I was uncomfortable in my skin. It's exactly what the book says. I was suffering from a thing called a spiritual malady.

Exactly what the book says. I was irritable. Can you all identify with irritable? Yes. Restless.

Yes. Discontent. Yep. Fearful. Yep.

Depressed. Yep. Bored. Always. Anxious.

Yep. Low sense of of of of esteem. The book calls it a feeling of uselessness, no sense of direction. I'll get down with that one. They call it adult attention deficit.

They'll be sorting today. They'll give you some cool riddling you can chop up and snore if you need something. Guys, depression is the number one symptom of alcoholism. That number one symptom. We've been trying to medicate it with pills forever.

It will not work. Not knocking it. I'm just telling you it won't work if you're an alcoholic. And I'm coming apart. I'm I'm in the food business.

I was talking to some of the we got a lot of chefs in this room and thank you for the food. Bless you for the food. It was wonderful. Yeah. I was thoughtlessly over served though, I need to tell you.

And, it was it was pretty successful. I think a lot of alcoholics, and addicts are are are quite talented in in the general nature. Maybe that was God's divine purpose. I'm I'm gonna give you a fatal illness, but I'm gonna make you very talented. I don't know if that's I I was pretty successful.

I moved around a lot because I believed in my my situation. I believe for years, thanks to the therapist who who informed me that I was a situational drunk and the situations the situations, of course, changed quite frequently. And, early on in in my, drinking career, I, I started seeing a therapist, and I I kept a bad rap. Sometimes people think I'm making fun of therapy. I I'm such a firm, huge fan of therapy.

I think we get kind of knotted up out there in our disease and good therapy can sometimes unnotch us pretty quick. And I'm grateful that I had it and still have it at times. But, my problem was not, situational. And, I spent, 20 years, drinking and drug, trying to organize my external world so I could get okay inside. It was always the food business, Tom, you know, for me for 15 years in the food business.

It's this damn career, therapist. You know, you gotta get out of the food business or you're never gonna stay sober because the pressure in that business is horrendous. And if anybody knows that's ever been in that industry, and, and I would get out periodically and, still drink. And, you know, you gotta get out of this relationship, Chris, and I would get out of that relationship and still drink. And I would move to Atlanta and I would move back to Texas and I would move all around and just still drink.

I love it when people you know, they're leaving treatment. I have I have to get out of Texas. I can't stay sober here. That's where you're gonna go to. Well, I've got accepted in the halfway house in Florida.

Did you not see Miami Vice? This is an idea and we have an industry that fosters this. We go to treatment and we learn about our triggers and the things that cause us to drink and it's just absolute, absolute, absolute crap. How many of you guys drank a drug when life was great? Raise your hand.

How many of you guys drank a drug when everything was cruddy? How many when you was a great relationship with somebody? How many would you have dated, say, the sister? Lots of money? No money?

Clear outside. Rainy outside. Watch the television. Guys, I don't care what country I'm in talking from the podium, we can do this little exercise and everybody does the same thing. Then let me ask you a question.

There we go. All that's coming off tonight. If I say anything controversial from the podium, this is it. I'm gonna ask you the question again. If you're drinking because you're an alcoholic suffering from the physical allergy, mental obsession, and spirituality, then why is it that we spend 90% of our time in AA meetings, mainstream AA, open discussion hell, Talking about our problems.

Do I think you need to talk about those problems? Yes. Welcome to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Come before the meeting. Stay after the meeting.

Let's talk. Let's go to Denny's. Tell me all about that divorce one more time. I cannot wait. But for a sink an hour during the day, for just an hour during the day, why can't we focus on the message of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is the 12th step?

Here's my grinder about it. You know, I've seen I've watched people come out of our hospital and and they're doing the work there and they start to have a spiritual experience. You you follow us? And and I believe everybody I I did. I got taken to a place.

We we I call it some a grace period. It was a it's a time when the obsession falls away and and some of you idiots out there call it the pink cloud, which which I find very disrespectful. It's called God's grace and most of us have experienced that. It's a little window of opportunity. Bill Wilson understood it.

They talked about it. It's a time when you can utilize, finish doing the work so that you can stay in that spot for the rest of your life. It's called permanent recovery. That's why I introduced myself as a recovered alcoholic because I finished the 12 steps, I had a spiritual experience, the obsession to you is lifted, and as long as I stay in the trench 10, 11, and 12, do what I'm supposed to be doing, that obsession stays the way. Guys, I have not obsessed about alcohol in 18 years.

And I want that so passionately for every person in this room. And what kind of a job do we do the newcomer when we paint this picture that it's a daily thing? Today, you're okay. Tomorrow, you might not be. Oh my god.

I mean, guys, I gotta say it. I'd say is is it any wonder we can't keep the young adults in our in our meetings? Who the hell wants to join a fellowship where you have to admit that you're you're powerless and sick for the rest of your life. I I have alcoholism. I will die with alcoholism, but alcoholism has been a remission for me for 18 years.

I'm happy, joyous and free. When life throws its curves at me, I'm able with the power that I've been given from this fellowship to walk through those things with grace and dignity and come out the other side without the the hindrance of the obsession of alcohol stopping me dead in my tracks. Let me let me make a point real quick. Alcoholism will not be treated by going to meetings and not drinking one effing day at a time. And I know some of you older people in here are offended by that.

Not the f thing, but the one day at a time. Doctor Bob asked the, alcoholic number 3 if he was ready to stop for good and for all. Are you done? Yeah. Here's what happened to me.

I, I started and quit a bunch of jobs. I had some businesses that never were very successful. I discovered some outside issues in 1979 that cost a lot more than a 6 pack of beer. And I I ended up dipping in the till a little bit. So I about $100 at a time.

But what happened in night early eighties, I came home ripped and got into an altercation with first wife. And, she was very, very scared, and I was very, very scared and very upset. And, because of that, I ended up in a little counselor's office with MHMR there in Texas, a little count lowest rung counselor out there. And and I brought my chart with all of my my diagnoses in there because I wanted to explain. Listen, I mean, I know we got into this altercation at home, but you have to understand.

I mean, I'm I'm bipolar and And I have manic depressive disorder and I'm borderline schizophrenic and I'm this and I'm at the other. You know? Every time I go to another counselor, they give me a new diagnosis and another handful of pills and I was supposed to fix it. So listen. Somebody's grinding their teeth.

Keep making fun of those of us that are bipolar. No. I'm not. I'm saying it's highly over diagnosed. What I've suffered from is a spiritual malady.

When I stop drinking, folks, I don't get better. I get worse. I'm a quitting fool, folks. I can quit for weeks. If she's good looking enough, months.

There's a brunette back over there with glasses that I could have stopped for 2 months. Nice. The problem is the further I get away from the drink, the more uncomfortable I become inside and gradually the pain of staying sober outweighs the benefits and I say to heck with it and and pick up my headset. Well, just stay away from those outside issues. Just drink beer.

Just drink wine. Just stay away from the VO. Do the and all the all the little giant little experiments that we do. And I end up no matter what I put in my body, usually prescription medication, and I'll end up going back to the alcohol. It's called cross addiction.

It happens to us. If you're an alcoholic, you can't take other drugs because the allergy will be triggered again. We'll be off to the races. I have watched I can talk an hour just about this. I have watched dozens of people that I've shared the podium with in the last few years.

Dozens die this year. Die this year at the hand of a prescription pad. What happens? They get out here away. They're speaking from the podium.

They're doing this, that, and the other. They stop doing the work, the 12 steps, they become uncomfortable in their skin, they go to the doctor, the doctor prescribes meds. You're suffering from depression. You know shit. But But they don't understand that because they've never read the book.

Doctor looks up over his little glasses and says, I bet you're having trouble sleeping too, aren't you? How did you know? We can fix you right up. I bet you can. Here comes the prescriptions.

Nice Atlanta present with a good barbiturate stuck on its ass end to help you sleep. You wake up 2 days later thirsty. I don't know what happened. I was going to meetings. I'll say it again.

Going to meetings and just not drinking will not treat alcoholism. How many of us in this room, I've met so many of y'all this afternoon, long term sobriety. How many of y'all know people out there that died sober recently? Let's change the verbiage. Dry recently.

Tragic to watch. You think you've got a drink to die? Buddy, this disease will kill you drunk or sober. When the internal condition becomes so uncomfortable you can't stand it, you will take a gun and shoot yourself. You can't live in that condition.

Normal people that are sitting in this room will not understand that. I, this little lady in the image of HMR looked at my chart. She said, Chris, I don't know about all these diagnoses. What it looks to me like is you're, drunk. I would piss.

It just doesn't roll off the tongue. It's not cool to be an alcoholic. No. She sentenced me to AA and and I went. I'll never forget my first AA meeting in Denton, Texas.

And walked in and the guy says, do you have a problem with alcohol? And I said, yes. And he said, sit down, doc. And I said I said, shit. That wasn't so bad.

And then we went around and everybody shared how they got here. It's a war story meeting. Share your story with Chris. And they did. But you see, I'm in early eighties.

I'm still functioning and and they're starting to talk about the DWI. Well, I haven't had a DWI and I'm not pencil checking off. I'm in my head. Never done that. Check.

I beat my wife. Check. I ride liquor. Check. I've been in federal penitentiary.

Check. It's obvious what they're doing is they're trying to out outman it. I've had 6 DWIs. Check, check, check, check, check. Absolute rubbish.

Lots of people out there have DWIs, folks, and they're not suffering from the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. Period. But you come in these meetings and all you wanna share is your story. Your story is as valuable as it can be in a 12 step call. But in a meeting, hey, I got news for you.

I'm here. You don't have to bring me. I'm here. Now what are you gonna try to do? Scare me here?

I don't I don't think in the back of this book it's good. It's got a chapter into scare. I'm looking. I don't see it. It's just unbelievable.

It says pull the newcomer with a vision, but nobody at that meeting did. They just scared the daylights out of me. I went home and I said, honey, I thought this was gonna work. And then you wouldn't have talked about a room full of losers. And why shouldn't I have said that?

Because that's exactly what we sounded like. Did anybody talk about the power that God gave them? I'm not blaming them. I I have to take partial responsibility. Did I ask any questions?

Did I stay after the meeting? No. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. Right. And I spent the next 7 years in and out of meetings.

My favorite meetings were the junior therapy meetings though. Those were fascinating. When we weren't trying to scare each other into recovery, we were trying to fix each other. After all, I'll call it synonymous is the biggest, largest self help group in the world. Well, you know where that crap came from?

Treatment centers. I got I gotta tell you something folks. If I could fix myself, I'd have been fixed a long time before the eighties. I can't fix myself. God fixed me.

The spiritual experience fixed me. Have I been blessed by guidance from this fellowship? Yes. Yes. And continue to on a daily basis.

Thank you. But sitting in a stupid meeting listening to you talk about some off the wall stuff. Let me ask you a question. We've talked about this earlier the out there smoking by the road, almost getting run over. I don't know about here in Florida, but in Texas, you know, you get one of your little 5 pot crack addicts and you'll come into the meeting and nobody has told you kinda what our rules are here in an organization that has no rules.

We have plenty, let me tell you. We've got these things called traditions and outside issues and we don't talk about that. We talk about our problems with alcohol. A little guy comes in and starts talking about his crack addiction and some guy, well meaning member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I mean that seriously, a responsible member, will shut him down. Excuse me a minute.

We're not here to talk about drugs. That's the way it should be. I'm not arguing that. Outside issues. Let me ask you that.

Nobody has any problem with that in Texas or other places I speak. You're right. This is but for a a drop then let me ask you a quick what's the difference with us them turning the meeting open, who's got the problem and you talking about your stupid divorce one more time? What's the difference? It's an outside issue.

It ain't got just shit to do with alcoholism. But we're gonna talk about it anyway. Y'all down with this? Yeah. Because we push people away.

I watched the ladies come into our noon meetings, you know, nice little business woman. She got a DWI, she's in trouble, her life's in shambles, she's miserable, she comes into the little noon AA meeting. And what's the first thing we start doing? The same stuff. Going around telling our little hairy leg boys stories about how many times we were shot at and over in the hood and this, that, the other.

And the poor little lady, she's just by the end of the meeting, she's got her perch. She's, you know, like, this. She doesn't know what to do, you know? And she leaves. And then the first thing somebody wants to say, well, you know, she just didn't really she didn't want it.

Right. Come on, guys. Did we paint a clear picture of the of the absolute cool life that we can have as a result of working these 12 substances. We give her an adequate presentation of the program because Bill Wilson said it clearly in his subsequent writing deck to the big book. We have one chief responsibility to the newcomer and that's to give him an adequate presentation of the program.

This is about living happy, joyce, and free. It's not about not drinking one stupid day at a time. I live light one day at a time. That's what the book says. I have a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.

But to tell people this is a one day at a time thing indicates that what we have to do every morning is get up and make a decision one more time to stay sober. That's great as long as she's in my life and I got a job and everything's cool. But what happens when she leaves? I may not wanna stay sober. And I'm gonna tell you something, folks.

I went through a divorce about 4 years ago and there were days that I did not want to live. That was the closest thing to a son I'll ever have involved in that divorce. Not once did I wanna drink. That's the power of God. That's the message we need to be carrying back to the newcomer.

7 years in and out listening to war stories, junior therapies out in kazoo. Here's here's where it comes from. Well, if she comes in here and she has a problem and she doesn't talk about it, she may drink. She's gonna drink anyway. Unless she has the spiritual experience, she's gonna drink.

That's what we need to be telling them. Yeah. You're down with that? Yeah. I sound I'm listening to myself talking.

I sound so harsh. It's just it's just this is the only game in town folks. Thanks to supreme court decisions that came down in the late nineties. Buddy, we're not gonna be allowed to talk about God in many treatment centers in this country. And where are these cats gonna come hear the solution?

They're gonna come right straight to our AA meetings. And if they don't hear the solution, if they're led to believe that they're drinking a drug that is somehow connected to an outside issue, they're not gonna stay sober. That's just in my experience. I did everything those people asked me to do in those meetings except work the steps, get a sponsor, do do the things you're supposed to do. I got out of the relationship.

I quit the business. I did all the outside business, the same. Got all my little ducks in a row. Perfect life. Could not stay sober.

In 1987, everything was going so well and the and the thank God for families. They're out of there on the street and, thank God for families. They're out of there on the street. And he drove home after a long day of work and picked up a 12 pack of beer and went home and picked up a stack of return checks out of my mail and opened them and realized that I had bankrupted another checking account. I'm 35 years old and still I'm living from paycheck to paycheck.

I'm I'm I'm this close to the street. I owe everybody. I'm driving an old $600 pickup. My health is horrendous. I am crazy.

Y'all know what I mean? I don't mean crazy alcoholic. I mean, I am hearing things. I'm having trouble making the simplest decisions. Turn left, go to work.

Turn right, go home. And some of y'all can relate to this, you know? Open the closet, you know? Guys, I've got 6 Fruit of the Loom t shirts and 2 pairs of Levi's and I can't figure out what to wear. The book said, our problems pile up on us and they become astonishingly difficult to solve.

And I am losing my mind. And I'm sitting there with these return checks and I just without any fanfare, I got up and I said I'm done with this. And I went to the medicine cabinet and got a couple of bottles of pills from doctors that had been giving me for my nervous disorder. And, I started swallowing the pills and washing them down with a bottle of, quart of beer. And, I I heard a voice about the time I got about 3 or 4 little pills down my throat that said, Chris, don't do this.

Go back to AA. I heard a voice in that apartment that said, Chris, don't do this. Go back to AA. I believe in God. Always believed in God, always believed that God didn't wanna have a thing to do with me.

And, and here was this voice. Heard it about 3 times that night. I made myself sick. It freaked me out. I'm living in a in a one room apartment.

I can see the entire room from the window from the from the medicine cabinet window where I took those pills, and there's nothing in that room but me. I'm looking under the bed in the closet. Where's this? Chris, don't do this. Go back to AA.

And I'm arguing with the boys. I ain't ever going back to AA. I hate those bastards. I just I I if I have to go back to one more meeting and listen to you talk about how to cat clog your chair up again, I'm gonna scream. I don't wanna hear about your kids.

I don't wanna hear about your job. I don't wanna hear about the traffic. I don't wanna hear about the weather. I don't wanna I made myself sick, laid down on the bed. The next morning, I woke up and heard the voice one more time.

I went to a doctor that morning, got some doggy downers to detox because I made a commitment. Tonight, I'm gonna be in an AA meeting. And I went to a different meeting. I've never been to this meeting before. A guy showed me showed me where it was one time.

He said, Chris, there's a bunch of people that are working the steps in this group. If you ever really wanna hear how to get well, you might wanna try to stop and see these. That's the last thing I wanted. Y'all go with it? So that night at 6 o'clock, I believe I had my second spiritual experience.

I had the courage to get out of my truck. Not detoxing like a big dog by now, you know. It was November 13th, a Friday, Friday 13th, 1987 and I walked in the back door of this AA meeting and it was one of those long shots. We were still smoking in the meetings back then. Everybody was everybody was smoking.

Some of us were smoking 2 cigarettes. Feeling feeling was dropping down, you know. But the deal is that they were all laughing. You know, the minute I walked in, I knew they were laughing at me and I got real uncomfortable checking my patch, you know, making sure it was okay. Making sure my pants are zipped.

I have a terrible habit of walking around with my pants. It's cooler that way. And I I, I start back out and this little 19 year old girl gets between me and the door. Her name was Denise, and she's still sober today. And, 19 year old girl got between me and the door.

And I have full beard, hair down back to back. I mean, I'm rough looking and I'm mad, I'm pissed and I don't feel good and I wanna leave. This was a great idea but it's not gonna work. I just and she said sit down cowboy and she grabbed her finger had her finger in my belt loop and pulled me down into a chair. You with it?

Now listen, guys. I've said this from a podium not it's come across like I'm knocking young adult meetings, but I'm just here to tell you my experience. If she had been off in a young adult meeting instead of in mainstream AA, I'd have been dead tonight. But because this little 19 year old girl had the courage to recognize me as a newcomer and pull me down in a chair and not let go, I'm sober today. Because they went around that table, the chairperson had seen me after 7 years picking up chips, and they all went around and they all shared little vignettes of how their life had changed as a result of working the 12 steps of anonymous.

They talked about getting a sponsor and they talked about working the 12 steps rapidly. They talked about not taking your time to work the steps. I wanna interject here. If you're one of the wonderful sponsors out here that are telling your people to take your time, stop now. Mhmm.

Amen. That is an absolute opinion and nowhere in the book does it say that. It says seek the solution with the desperation of a drowning man. Again, because there's so many people in our fellowships that are not even alcoholic, they had time to wait, they didn't work the steps for 2 years, that's perfectly worked for them. But if you're the real McCoy, if you're suffering from alcoholism, you're gonna die.

Left unattended, you will become so uncomfortable you can't stand it. You'll pick up. Y'all down with that? Yeah. It's just okay.

We went around and they they shared stuff with me. They didn't talk there was guys, there was no bible beating in that room. They didn't talk about Jesus. They didn't talk They talked about their own higher power, their own understanding. And they talked about getting their credit cards back and getting a date and doing the cool things, buying a house and doing this the the great miracle that happened to us in sobriety.

Buying new pickup trucks. I mean, hot damn. He drives it in a brand new pickup truck. I'll get to the side, it says roofing on the side. I said, boy, brother, you're in the right place at the right time.

Go get them, brother. But you see, that's what it's about. And we go into our meetings, see, and we're afraid to tell anybody. We got a new truck or a nice thing or something good has happened because everybody's pissing and moaning and we don't wanna rock the boat. We just want oh, isn't that sad you're having a tragedy?

Buddy, these means ought to be pep rallies. We ought to be in there pulling the newcomer with because listen folks, when I got the Outfall synonymous, when I walked in that back door, there was one thing that I needed above everything else. Hope. I just needed some hope. Can you not wake up and think about drinking?

Will the shakes ever stop? Will my mind ever just come back to 2 or 3 voices instead of 50? Well, here's an important one. Will mister Winky ever work again? I'll cut to the chase and answer that question now, Absolutely.

Maybe small, but it works. Carla. It just got to hurt. Carla. It just got to hurt.

After the meeting, there was no Geezer just like a bunch of you cats that I've met here in this room right here. Old geezer came up and said, Chris, he said, let me ask you a question because I've watched Jeff for a long time. He says, are are you are you done or are you finished done? Do you really want this? And I said, yeah.

I do. I'm willing to do this, you know, one day at a time. He said that's what I thought. And he got his coffee and he left the room. I chased after him, but it bit me off.

I feel like, buddy, it that wasn't the right answer. I mean, I've been around a 8 for 7 years. I know what to say. We got all the goddamn one liners right here. I mean, this guy comes in and he's just psychotic and he's freaking out.

Somebody looks at him, easy does it. First thing first. I'm like, Jesus. Alright. Can we come up with something with a little more depth than weight than that?

I the problem is it's not the one liners. It's they take them out of context. Right. It's it's with our families we're supposed to take it easy. Doesn't mean take do the steps easy.

Finish them rapidly. You know, Wilson worked them? That's right. Few weeks. Doctor Bob?

Two weeks. Bill d, number 3? Two weeks. Oh, but you can take your time finish it. I don't I don't understand.

I went after the guy and I said, buddy, ask me again and he did and I said, buddy, I'm willing to do whatever you ask me to do because I am sick and tired of being a loser. I'm sick and tired of not experiencing the beauty that this world has to offer. Quote quote unquote, I'm tired of dying. He said, buddy, welcome. And he hugged my neck like only somebody in Alcoholics Anonymous that's been in the trench can hug.

The next morning, they were back on my doorstep to make sure I made it back to the meeting at 10 o'clock. And we went to that 10 o'clock AA meeting, then we went in the back room and did a third step prayer. They sat down that night and they explained the physical allergy and the mental obsession. They showed me what it was to be an alcoholic. Everybody in this place, we hear it in our treatment center so I wanna puke.

Where's your bottom? Where's your bottom? Hey, let me see. I considered for a moment mooning you, but I didn't. Spiritual growth, buddy.

And I can't remember which stores I'm wearing. That's the guys. Your bottom is when you understand that you have a fatal disease that's gonna kill you. That's your bottom. When you're convinced that you're really one of us and there's nothing else to do but seek spiritual intervention, you're as you're you're ready.