The 60th annual Texas State AA Convention in Dallas, TX

Can I sit down now? Good morning, everybody. My name's Valerie O'Neil. I'm I'm an alcoholic. A proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

My sobriety date is June 25, 1982. So now you can get money out of my cash machine. My home group is called Bloomingdale's, not the Store in New York City. I have to tell you that, usually, when you see the the GSO speaker on a program, it's kind of like a traditions meeting. People show up by mistake, but I'm really happy that you're here this morning and, share the convention with me.

I also want to, before I start, thank the committee that was responsible for inviting me, But also, I have to tell you, and you might take it for granted, the incredible gracious hospitality that Texas Yankee, but I'm really a foreigner because I'm from Canada. A Yankee, but I'm really a foreigner because I'm from Canada. But, you might take it for granted but I don't. The incredible hospitality and welcome and, making me feel at home and it's only Saturday morning. So, thank you very much and and, your committee that represents you and all the people behind the scenes that I know, that give this, their service anonymously.

I just would like to acknowledge it because I'm aware of it and thank you. I'm not one of those speakers that knows what I'm going to say so please bear with me. I'm Irish so I can always come up with a story and that saves me. But, I do this a lot because I've been at the general service office for 15 years but, I'm always nervous and, and one of my colleagues there who did this for 25 years said it never got better. In 15 years in, I can say I'm just as nervous as the first time but, it gets better a little.

I was thinking about it last night and, you know, sometimes there are life changing moments. And I'd it occurred to me that one day I had no hope and the next day I had hope and that was the day that I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. And usually life is not black and white. There's a lot of gray but, I can tell you that that's my experience that, it was so profound and that that was one of the first gifts that I received and that has never left me. I heard this morning and I wanted to go back to it that, it says, the central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which indeed is miraculous.

And that really rings true and I hope to share some of that with you, you know, what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. But, before I get into go back too far, I would like to share with you that, 2 years ago May, I had, a quadruple bypass surprise quadruple bypass operation. And, it was one of those things that, for the first time in my life, I had to, well, not for the first time, but that I was aware of, I had to depend entirely on the skill and care of people outside of AA. And I was so amazed that be first of all, I had to think that the people who were taking care of me, the surgeons and, the incredible medical staff, they were people who may be alcoholic and maybe not alcoholic, but who had been able to follow a path, be diligent, and eat something so that they could give something away to somebody else. And I was the recipient of all that, their care, their diligence, their education, and, obviously, they did a good job.

So that, and they did such a good job that even after the operation, I was not in that much pain and so that I could really appreciate the incredible, first of all, courage it takes for people to learn how to do all that and, and then to persist, you know, and, and obviously, they lose some people, and that they were there and that they showed up on a daily basis and they were part of a team that, saved my life. And so I had been used to, being taken care of in AA, but I was taken care of in a different setting. And, I have to say that from that moment to this, I'm still on a pink cloud because, I truly believe that I was given another opportunity, to, you know, just to be a worker among workers, an AA member among AA members and a proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, it's just amazing that, there's that help available, and it's beyond the walls of AA. And, so I just wanted to share that because it's it's has a profound effect on what I do.

I was at another conference and I was looking out the window early in the morning and there was a big parking lot and there was just somebody out there alone just sweeping the parking lot. And I thought, you know, what an incredible service, you know, an anonymous service and, that I was so appreciative of because I was there to, you know, just to observe it and to, I don't know, be part of this world sober. And, so that's a little miracle. I'll tell you, what it was like. This is, this story happened to me way before I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, years before I came in.

I can't, I'm not really good with dates because I didn't really have blackouts. I had grayouts and I had decades out, you know, so, so that, it really is hard to recapture and it's never come back, you know, in 23 years of sobriety that I, gave a lot of my life to alcoholics or to alcohol and it it hasn't come back which and as a mother that, you know, is a very difficult fact to, come to grips with because there are birthdays, Christmases, important occasions that, I wasn't there, you know, I was there physically, but, I was, I tolerated possible as quickly as possible, I had to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible, on a daily basis for years. And so that, and the recovery from that was it wasn't like I got drunk and then I went to bed and I was clear eyed and bushy tailed in the morning, what it was is that I was a hangover waiting to happen on a daily basis. And I I really, had no idea the toll that alcohol took, on me and then the ripple effect out to my family. So, so it's 10 years, maybe, just before I reach AA and, I fly from Los Angeles to Toronto where I'm from for a family wedding and I want to be there, you know, that's the whole point.

So I start drinking on Friday night because that's what I do, but it isn't really drinking because I call it dinner. And I get up the next morning and I start drinking but, you know, but it isn't really drinking because I call it brunch. And then I drink all day because, it wasn't really drinking, it was celebrating. And, at the end of that, like, long period, it's now Saturday night, the wedding is open, and the family is back at my aunt's home. And for the first time, I carried a whole bottle of wine, you know, from the wedding because you don't waste anything.

And, I sat there and I drank the whole thing, out of the bottle. And that's kind of the the way that I always drank, like, sharing was not a word that was in my vocabulary. But I usually was, like a little bit more careful about revealing that to you. But I just drank this bottle of wine as, as I drank everything as quickly as possible and then a neighbor came in with a cigar and after all that alcohol and, you know, for 24 hours, that damn cigar made me sick. So I excused myself and went upstairs and for the first time in my life, as a direct result of alcohol, not that I knew it, I just fell over, you know, just fell over.

But I was horizontal and I was going to sleep so it didn't really matter to me. But now I'm, now I'm sick and so I have to get to the bathroom and, my nieces and nephews are upstairs and I can't walk. So I start crawling to the bathroom and, and I'm crawling down the hall and my nephew looks down at me and says, why don't you walk? And I look up him at him and say, I prefer to crawl. Thank you.

Now, that that really, that tells you about my drinking. Right? The fact that I lied to myself. I really believed that I had a choice. I lied to everybody else and that, that I would justify my behavior.

It wasn't that I didn't wasn't raised in a family that, you know, didn't give me values, ethics, hope, dreams, but what I had to do was compromise everything that I had ever been given to match my behavior as an alcoholic woman and, and I lost myself in that, you know, in that compromise. I really, my behavior and my drinking dictated everything, all parts of my life for years and, there are a lot of, bathrooms in my story, so. I'll go from from that bathroom to a bathroom in New York and once more, you know, I've had dinner. And, you know, I always forgot. I always drank cold water after dinner and it made me sick.

So I've had dinner and I'm in in a back in a bathroom somewhere being sick and, a friend came with me and what she said was, I used to get sick like that when I drank. Now have you ever been in a restaurant where it's really noisy and like it's clanking cutlery and food and and people talking and you say something really stupid and it's dead silence and it just kind of floats through the restaurant? Well, that was one of those moments. It was like total silence and I heard her say that. Now, I thought that that was just the rudest subject of conversation for a bathroom and tried to ignore it, but, you know, one of those miracles is is that I heard that, you know, I heard that very clearly and it and it stayed in my head, for weeks and through a series of, what we call coincidences but we really know that our higher power guides us, really from that bathroom, I went directly to AA, You know, maybe not the same week, but it led me, it, it led me to AA.

Now that story is, is that, I've been on the road with that woman for 2 to 4 years. It's a little vague, because I worked in film and, when I when I was in AA and found out that she was also a member of AA, I said, why didn't you ever talk to me about my drinking? And what she said was, I had spoken to you about your drinking every day for 2 years and on And onto the way to the restaurant that night, she had said to her husband, I am going to mention Valerie's drinking one more time and then I'm never going to speak about it again. So, you know, so I asked you, you know, if you have anybody in your life that, you are carrying the message to and it appears to be hopeless, please, you know, don't give up for them before the miracle because I am a miracle based on, somebody's caring and, and it is amazing that you think, you know, I was a functioning alcoholic, I was working, but, I didn't hear that for 2 years. I mean, I was in such a blackout that, who knows what I missed.

I guess the, so the other bathroom story is that, I'm in AA now and, and really I slid into a a, through the help of a therapist who said, you know, there's a lot of alcoholism probably in your family so why don't you go to Al Anon and, in New York, the Al Anon meetings were beside the AA meetings and, they were having a party over here with, right, without booze and so I kinda slid over and, you know, I would like to tell you that I was a high bottom drunk and that, you know, I burned the toast one morning and said, that's it, I'm going to AA. But my first, well, one of my first AA meetings, I went to the literature table and tried to buy a sponsor. And those women, I mean, they backed away from me, you know. Now, I'm still working so I'm a functioning alcoholic but one of them had the courage to help me, get into AA. The other thing is is that if you can picture this, it was late June when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I had this long black cloak that I wore.

I, I would sit in the very last chair in the very last row and come late and leave early. And my first words in a a when somebody else, when I came in late and the chair was occupied was, you're in my chair. And I tried to sponsor that woman by saying, watch, I can cross the room and all these friendly people who hug everybody will not talk to me. And I thought that that was an accomplishment. And I had a lot of practice at that because when I drank, what would happen was I immediately started slurring my words.

And the way that I coped with that was not to stop drinking, it was to stop talking. So that you can imagine my social skills were, not really, fully developed. Anyway, I came into AA in New York City and, it's been an absolute miracle. I guess, I just want to tell one other story that I kind of don't share too often because it seems like it's a private thing and maybe the magic will go away. But, but I just wanted to share this morning that if you can imagine, just before I was carried the message in the, in the bathroom in New York, I was in Los Angeles and you know, moving back and forth for film and, it was the end of Lent and I had given up drinking for Lent, but Irish coffee didn't count.

So I was clearer than I had been for years because I did not have large quantities. And I was now going to break lent. And, it was Easter Sunday, and we were sitting in a hotel room. And, you know, the classy woman alcoholic that I was, it was always quantity versus quality. And so we had giant jugs of California wine and there were 3 of us and we poured like goblets full of wine and 1 gallon jug was 3 drinks.

And so for the first time, and I looked at that and I and I really no idea, you know, number 1, that I was drinking. Now, I knew I was drinking because I hadn't been, so to speak. And I also saw what that meant, you know, that that was even to me was an incredible amount of alcohol that was going to go in a short period of time. And so, I tried, I was at that hotel and I was taking a plane overnight to start working on Monday morning and I got to the door with all my bags and I was being picked up and I couldn't get through the door. And, I heard a voice saying if you leave now, your life will be like this forever.

And, you know, in my mind it, it always was like that so why would there be any difference and I said to myself, who cares? And I was ready to go through the door and something happened, it was like there was a physical barrier, I could not get through that door, I couldn't get out of the hotel room to get to that taxi. And I didn't know what was happening to me, but I just dropped my bags, I burst into tears and I said, you know, like, no big deal, like, I'm used to tap dancing because I have to all the time. When I drink, I have to keep making all these different arrangements, so I'll get a plane in the morning, I'll be a little late. And I, so I probably slept in my clothes, got all my bags on my shoulders and went to the door in the morning.

I couldn't get through the door. And, it took me 2 days to get out of Los Angeles. And when I came back through, you know, many, many things, I, you know, within a month or 2 months, I was in Alcoholics Anonymous and that is so amazing that, a higher power, intervened in a life that was without hope, that was, a continuous repetition of compromise and, bad decisions, irresponsibility, and acting. And I, you know, I was in film and what I used to say was I excused myself by saying, well, all the acting isn't done in front of the cameras, And so when I came into the rooms, the, you know, the first thing I could do that you taught me how to do was, I could be the real Valerie, you know, for good or bad. Whatever was happening to me, I didn't have to act anymore.

You taught me how to get here on time, that was just amazing, you know, what we say in New York is like, people come and go, jobs come and go, relationships come and go, but AA meetings start on time. And, that kind of security was absolutely essential for me and it taught me to be part of something that, was bigger than me, you know, that it took a team to open the door to have the coffee made, to have the literature out, and, to make up a group conscience. And so, AA has, has helped me be a responsible parent. One of the highlights of my sobriety was when I was 18 years sober. I know we say we do it for ourselves, but when I was 18 years sober, I was then a mother sober as long as I had been a drunken mother and, you know, I still, I still know that, AA gives me the ability to be available for my daughter as a sober mother and that's so essential to, my recovery and to being part of this spiritual gift that, has been given to me, you know, the ability just to know that today I don't have to drink and so that if anything comes up, I might not have the answer, but I will be available sober, you know, for you but also for my daughter who had no mother for so many years.

So what I would like to do now is say take that hopeless drunk, you know, and then move forward to, the general service office and you know to the miracle in my life that I now work for the organization that, gave me not a new life, that gave me life, you know, that, and it was really amazing. I started working there, September 1, 1991, 1991, years, and, it was really amazing. They it's really open to everybody. If you have 6 years of sobriety and if you're interested in working there, it goes there's an announcement in box 459 and you have the right to apply. And I knew that there were a lot of people applying and actually somebody in my home group said, you know, you have a background in organizing things so, you know, maybe you would be interested.

And so, AA. You know, she suggested it and I did it. And, well, but I, you know, I always bargain. Right? I mean, I haven't given that up.

So what I what I said to my higher power was if I don't hear anything in 2 years, then I'll assume that I'm, you know, not supposed to have a have a position there. And a position came open and I was interviewed in April and they it's a long process and so they said we'll let you know in the fall, you know, because we, it takes time. And, I got a phone call in August and, you know, I'm, I'm a very smart alcoholic so I said, they're calling me early because I don't have the job and they don't want me to wait anymore. And, on my birthday on August 16th, they said you have the job. So, and it's really an incredible opportunity to work for your general service office.

I get to babysit it, you know, while you're here and if you ever want to go, it's your general service office. There are tours and the tours don't start on the hour when an when an alcoholic arrives, there's a, arrives, there's a tour. There's also a meeting at the, office every Friday at 11 and, the legend is it was started for Bill who could not go to meetings and not be recognized and so it was an easy meeting for him to, go to. But it turns out that what really happened was that the staff was fighting among themselves and they decided to have a meeting for them And it continues today. Now, it's a really wonderful meeting because people come from all over the world.

If they have a tour, we say, by the way, there's a meeting on Friday and if you can make it, you know, please join us. And, one of the most touching moments for me at that meeting, and it's like a surprise package at Christmas, you'd never know who's going to be there, was a priest was visiting. He was on leave from Korea and he was in a an isolated village with no access to AA and he was totally bilingual so he was the, AA member who translated the big book into Korean and just showed up at the meeting, you know. So that if you ever have the opportunity and are in New York, you know, 11 o'clock on Friday, it it's a wonderful way to, see AA working as you're going to see it working here this weekend. The general service office, I cannot, we cannot, there are 13 of us who are AA members and so we cannot be paid to carry the message.

And you can tell from my story, I would never want to endanger this sobriety, the gift of sobriety that I have. But what I do is, I give from 9 to 5, I give information about Alcoholics Anonymous and that's my job. And, as, one of the past staff members taught me, you know, when you first go there, you're so excited and it's so wonderful. But she said, honey, I'll pass on what they've passed on to me. It's a living.

And really, truly my AA life is anonymous, you know, after after 5 in my home group and quite honestly, nobody in my home group knows where I work because, New York is a big, big city and, probably nobody in my home group knows that the General Service Office is in New York. And I can tell you when they make up their own rules for elections, it drives me crazy. And I want to say, you know, if only you, you know, would follow the service manual, you know, that, but, it it's a break. I'm anonymous, you know, and, that's good for me and it's certainly good for them. What we do at the general service office, is we support the front line.

We are not on the front line, you know, but there are so many committees that you heard in all these reports that are carrying the message, you know, sometimes with great personal sacrifice, you know, into into jails, into, schools to professionals. And, so from my point of view, I get to watch that. And not only do I get to watch it, you know, in the US and Canada because our office serves US Canada, but sometimes I get to travel or observe it internationally. And I wanna tell a story that is not mine. John g, my colleague, this happened to him.

But I think it'll give you an idea of, AA around the world and the great honor that we have of being, of supporting a general service office among general service offices worldwide, you know, so that, the this is an Eastern European country and, you know, there were a lot of political changes. So for the first time, they can have public meetings And this little country, does not have a general service office. It has an intergroup. It had to wait 3 years to get a phone, you know, because things that we take for granted here just don't happen as easily in other countries. So, this was their first public information meeting and, you know, this is Texas, They don't have as much room over there as you guys have.

So if you can imagine, a 100 people in a room that probably would just fit in that corner, you know, without the chairs. A 100 people. It was a triumph because the press was there and, John Gee, who was on the international desk, happened to be there. It was part of his job to help, we call them emerging countries, you know, to give them information about AA because questions like anonymity, singleness of purpose, self support, which we worked out here, you know, over years, they those problems come up again and again and so even though we're just 1 GS, general service office among many, we have a lot of experience and so sometimes we can help. You know that alcoholics, only like help when they ask for it.

And so we can share our experience whether or not they use it is up to them, you know. And, you know, from my reading of the traditions and the history and my own personal experience that, you know what's right, you do it the wrong way and then you learn and, and you pass on the right way, you know, when you share your experience. And so they're in this tiny, tiny room and, the meeting is over and John is speaking with a newspaper reporter and what she says is, 20 years sober, willpower. And, he doesn't know what to say but in the meantime, this little man comes running into the room, dressed up in his suit and he'd been on a bus for most of the day overnight and carrying this huge package. And, the package properly and he reported that he had come from, his home group of 3 members and that they had this package that they wanted to give.

And, the package probably represented a lot of their money, like, their their wages for a month and wrapped in newspaper. And what it was was a candle, 2 candles that he asked to be placed on the grave of doctor Bob and Bill. And the newspaper reporter translated for him and, when John looked at the newspaper reporter, he realized he didn't have to, explain spirituality anymore, that they got it. And so, I know that, in my home group, if the homeless man in the back of the room puts 5¢ in the basket and if we pass it on to the indirectly, he is providing the translations that created that home group of 3 that, you know, that, wanted to acknowledge the gift from doctor Bob and Bill. So, the way that I try to describe the general service office is, you know, you guys go way back, you know, 60 years.

So if you think of the earliest days of AA, here in the United States, no long term sobriety, an old timer had 30 days, no literature, no big book for the first 4 years, no money, all low bottom drunks, and great social stigma that I don't know if we can imagine today. But in spite of that, they banded together and made an anonymous spiritual commitment on behalf of the fellowship to provide information about AA to anyone who asked, no questions asked. And so in the back of the big book, if you look, it says how to contact AA and you know, they can't give your home group number, they can't give you a personal number, so they give, the address of the general service office and so we are the contact point. They don't even give the phone number and it's not a mistake because what we really want alcoholics to do is to reach out locally, you know, to the intergroup central offices. We are not AA, you know.

We support 12 step work, but there are sometimes when it's necessary that, this is the only way that they can reach AA and often, it it really is, letters from correctional facilities saying this book was laying around and, I picked it up and I realized that, you know, I can't tell anybody here but I identify with these stories and I have a problem and can you help me? And so, so the message gets carried, through the general service office, through your home groups, through the structure. And we talked a lot this morning about the general service conference and so I'm not going to assume that some of you who are here know what that is. The conference meets once a year in New York City. It does that only because it's down the street from the office and we've got so much stuff to bring there, you know, that it doesn't travel around.

It's a closed business meeting but what it represents is is the group conscience of Alcoholics Anonymous for the United States and Canada. We don't dictate to anybody else, but it's our own group conscience. And one of the most important things that it does is it approves all the literature. So if you have a pamphlet in your home group, if you look, it will say this is general service conference approved material. And a 140 people, attend the general service conference.

It's, just amazing. It's like here, you know, there are people all outside the lobby and they're all talking and they're welcoming each other and they're all happy and then all of a sudden you walk into the conference room and I've observed it now for 14 conferences. There's this total silence as they walk in and accept the responsibility to protect the integrity of the message of Alcoholics Anonymous on your behalf. You know? So, it's an absolutely incredible opportunity for them, and and, and great responsibility.

And what the general service office tries to do, we are conference members, but we also have to support these people who like, you will support me this weekend because I'm a stranger to your city. We try to support those people who are coming to New York for the first time. I can tell you in that it takes a it takes a week to do the business. Some people never leave the hotel and it's for some, my delegate's fault because once he got up and said, you know, I don't understand why you're afraid. I only had to start the the chainsaw once in the subway this week.

So, some people never leave the hotel. Some people have never been on an airplane before and they go on this adventure of faith to, represent their groups, and become part of the general of the group conscience for Alcoholics Anonymous And, so conventions like this when, you know, I've heard that maybe the next delegate is sitting in this room and it might not be for for 10 years, it might not be for for 20 years, but the next delegate to the general service conference, one, at least one delegate is probably sitting in this room. And so, and even though it seems far away, you really are a part of it and, you know, it all ties into for me the first three steps. Sometimes service at that level and sometimes service is just the first three steps, walking into a meeting, on time, you know, being a power of example of dedication to sobriety and to Alcoholics Anonymous. And if people didn't do that, and if they hadn't of, being available to me, somebody who couldn't talk in AA meetings for a long time and, you know, if they hadn't provided was, Saturdays after the 12:30 meeting, I scrubbed the women's toilet in my home group.

And my girlfriend scrubbed the men's toilet. She wasn't as sober as me. And we're both sober today. And, and always there was somebody there and I can't remember because, you know, I wasn't so tightly wrapped when I first came in. But there was always somebody there saying, this is such an important service.

You have no idea, you know, that, and we'll see you again next week, you know, because this nobody has this service job. This is your service job. And I can tell you for, for many years even, Fridays were difficult because, you know, I was supposed to have this fantasy life, you know, like a Smirnoff vodka ad and, you know, go to perfect parties with perfect people who said perfect things and, you know, what I am is an alcoholic who can't drink and who has to change a lifestyle and the only way that I could do that, really was taught how to do that, was to get on my knees and scrub the toilet for Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, it kind of is it doesn't work on paper, you know, from that toilet to the general service office. But, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

If you don't mind, I'm going to close for me by reading from page, 164 of the big book. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come if your own house is in order.

But obviously, you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the great fact for us. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to him and to your fellows.

Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the fellowship of the spirit. And you will surely need some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny. May God bless you and keep you with me until then.

Thank Thank you.