Fellowship Hall NA Conference in Charlotte, NC

My name is Jack, and I am an addict. Amen, Jack. And I'm acting like I'm taking my watch off so so I can tell what time I'm supposed to stop. I I just can't see it, so I don't I mean, after a certain years, you just can't see as good as you used to. So I was gonna ask John back there if if he came with me.

When I get when it gets time to stop, just wave at me, and then I'll and, but, I'm so grateful to be here. I've shared this little story. About 5 weeks ago, 6 weeks ago, Mike came down to see me. And, I said, Mike, if something happens to me, I have these stepping stones in in my front yard, with the 12 steps on them. They're they're marble.

And I said, you know, how about coming down and getting them and take them to fellowship hall and put them out somewhere? And he said, sure, he'd do that. And about a week later, I had a massive heart attack. And so I'm really grateful to be here, just to tell you the truth. And your stepping stones are still home.

And my stepping stones are still home. I ain't giving them up till I leave you. But I also I I I share this with you because at that moment, nothing matters. At that moment in your life, when when it's when, you know, you laid out there, you think about the people that you love, and you wonder if you've told them that. And and I had the day before, and and I've and and and I try to do that on a regular basis.

And I am scared to death, and I want y'all to know this. My expertise is not standing up here. But I meant, I was running around and I was praying and I was hoping the speaker would get here tonight. I was living in denial and and and a guy came by and he said, do you remember me? I was at a certain place and used to come down there and, and, bring the the message of Narcotics Anonymous.

And, I said, absolutely. I remember you. And he said he's starting his life over today. And you know what? That is a you know?

And when when I heard that, it was not so bad. I mean, you know, I'm still shaking pretty good, and and I don't wanna do nothing wrong. You know? And Mike said if I spelt water, I I peed in my pants. He he would start laughing.

So, you know, I I don't wanna do that. So but I wanna share some things with you that that happened to me along this trip because I, you know, I I, I drank profusely and I've done drugs horribly. And I wound up in a, little place, and they they had me in a straitjacket strapped down to a bed. And the guy next to me, his name was Donald, and Donald is dead now. He he died of this disease.

He never could get he he wrestled with it for 12 or 13 years, and he just never could get whatever you get. And he he just couldn't get a handle on him, and he died in a back seat of a car. It was cold, and and I went down to get him and he was dead. But but O'Donnell was laying there yelling and screaming and kicking and and telling me that horses were kicking him. And and I looked and the nurse came in there and I said, you know, I don't belong here.

I'm different than this fella right here. You know, I did not I did not realize I was drinking about half a fifth a day and all the beer I could get in me and all the drugs I could get in me and but I was different than Donald. He was not in a straight jacket and they didn't have him restrained. So, yeah, I couldn't figure that out, you know. And they he had his clothes, and they I didn't have it in.

Yeah. I should have been smart. I couldn't figure it out. I just it was just it befuddled me. But we got we went on we you know, they sent us through this little thing and we and and we wound up in in AA.

And and you know what? They sent me down there, and I had they had these little gowns, and I had a little gown on. I went on down there, and and I was standing there. And and and I shared this that my this guy walked in there, and, he was the manager the big shot at the mortgage company I had my mortgage with. And he was, you know and I walked right up to him because I heard it.

I'd I'd been to a couple meetings down in the same place, and and I heard you had to get a sponsor. So I asked him to be my sponsor, you know, because he could help me with my mortgage. He never did help me with my mortgage. I want y'all to know that. I had to pay I had to work overtime, pay it all all for the yeah.

But he said, sure. And and there's an unbelievable thing. He was picking up the money at the end of the meeting. If I get away from this thing, shoot me back because I'll miss it. Because I don't usually talk in front of people, but 20 or 30 or 40 and but, anyway, he was picking up the money, and I knew if I get in with him, I could get the money.

Because I don't know, there's not a lot of difference between alcoholics and drug addicts except what y'all think. I mean and that's just or what I think. I mean, you know, I always thought I was better than old Donald and and you know what? He showed me the way. Even though if he didn't make it, he showed me what not to do.

You know? But, anyway so he he he said, well, I'll help you. You know, you really need it. And I thought after the midnight, I'd hit him because he told that in front of all the boys at the coffee pot. And they were drinking coffee, and they were just laughing.

And it'd been so long since I laughed. I don't know if you if you drank and used drugs like I did, but at the end, it was a job. And I had to do it all day long, all night long, as hard as I could, and do whatever was necessary to get where I needed to be. And and, you know, so I didn't know how to laugh. And they were laughing.

I thought they had acid in the coffee pot. That wasn't the truth because it it just it it made me jitter. I didn't realize I had caffeine. But soon as I knew it made me jitter, I wanted 10 cups. And he told me, after me, and he said, you can't have a one cup of coffee.

You can't go pee but one time. I couldn't understand that rule either. And he told me and and I share this with you. This is why I have the town tonight, and I'm so grateful I brought one. I didn't know you had any more towels to speak, but that's but he told me that I had to wear a tie every time I spoke because I might be the only thing somebody sees.

And he said, put your hair back too. And I said, okay. I got it. But but I share this with you, and and he told me a lot of things. But I I went to a meeting 1 night, and it I've been in I've been in the fellowship for about 6 months.

And my wife had let me move back into the house, and my children were were, a year and a half, almost 2 years old. And and and my daughter was 6 or 7. And I got yeah. Everything was going good. I prayed that God put us back together.

And then a few years later, I prayed that he would separate us. No. Not really. But she left anyway. I didn't I didn't have to pray with that.

She just had enough of me. I didn't change. I didn't realize I needed to change anything because I thought everything was fine, but it wasn't fine. But anyway, so, yeah, I go to a meeting one night and I got all my stuff together. And I, you know, I had a starched shirt on and I looked good.

And I could see. I wasn't wrinkled up. And, I got in there, and I was sitting out on the front row. And I was telling him about shooting dope and all the stuff, you know, that I used to do. And and this old guy got up and looked, turned around and looked at me and said, you have you know, we don't talk about that in AA, and you need to shut up.

And so I said, well, okay. I'll kill him after meeting. Yeah. I didn't know what to do. We'd kill somebody or run them over the car or hit them in the head or something.

I didn't know you could just say, you know, I'm sorry. I don't feel that way, but I couldn't figure that out then. I I wanna do something drastic. So after the meeting, I called my sponsor up, and I said, look, I think I'm gonna go over and hit him in the mouth. Because I knew where he lived.

I'm I'm gonna help him, you know. And he laughed at me and he said I said, well, they won't let me talk in AA anymore. Because I and and he said, why don't you tell them how you feel? Because the feelings are the same. The end end ingestion of of dope or alcohol may be different the way you do it.

But he said in here, it's the same thing. It just won't get you quicker. And I I I walked back in there the next night, my chest poked down. I told him, well, I feel I got my feelings hurt last night. And he said, well, good.

You're gonna get him hurt tonight too? He was one of these old hardcore fellows that just didn't he did not understand me. He broke my heart. I mean, you know. I'm gonna come back to him if I don't forget him.

But and then I was in the in the same meeting, same room, and I began to cuss. I mean, I you know, all these cuss words that you hear a lot of people use in memes, and they they they wanna sound real. I mean, you know, we I said, well, I gotta keep my thing real here. Well, this little old lady stood up stood up and she turned around. I'd already been hurt twice, and this was the 3rd my sponsor didn't help me on the mortgage.

This other guy told me I need to shut up. As smart as I am, I could've helped some of y'all, but I didn't know how. I couldn't help myself. And this old this old lady stood up and she turned around. She said, you have the foulest mouth I ever heard.

And then I was gonna kill her later, but I just so I called my sponsor up and told him the same thing she had said. He said, why don't you just stop cussing? That was a real simple solution, but see, I didn't figure that out till it got to till I was ready to go around and do that. Because I knew about killing it and I knew about stealing and robbing. I knew all that, but I didn't know how to act and not doing drugs, not drinking.

I didn't know how to handle all this stuff inside of me. And so I shut up. And this old lady, about 6 months later, said, look. Let's go over to the mental hospital, and you're the one I wanna go with. And she was older than my grandma and ugly as saying I wanted to go with the pretty girl that's sitting next to me at the other meeting.

I wouldn't take her, but I that wasn't the case. So here we go. I went for her for 10 years. I opened the place a new one. When we stopped going, she was the most beautiful woman I ever met.

Because, see, something in here changed. And and that was the whole ticket. See, I didn't know that. I had no clue that beauty's on the inside, not on the outside. But I thought I knew it.

I mean, I had my stuff going on. But anyway, you know, those things kept happening to me. But the the reason and I'm going back to this one. The guy that told me that, not talk about doping in AA, and, he was the most instrumental thing that could happen to us at that particular time. Because I went to my sponsor and I said, look, Les, I I need to do something.

And I was learning how to talk about my feelings over this period of time because I couldn't talk about dope. Because he'd tell me he'd jump up and say, shut up. And I didn't like that real good. I was gonna burn his house down. And one time it got so bad.

I just couldn't figure out how to do it and not get caught because everybody knew I was gonna do it. You know, because how you go around, you tell everybody what you're gonna do, so then you can't do it. It's kinda like smoking. You go to you go to a meeting one night and you say, look, I quit smoking, and ain't nobody in there gonna give you a cigarette. It's a terrible thing.

But, anyway, I said I told my sponsor, I said, look. We're having a problem. You know, what do you think of all the day? He said, well, there's a thing called narcotics anonymous. They say it started out in California.

Why don't we write and get him get some literature? And this was no alcoholic. He just called me a couple weeks ago and said he's gonna come in in September and wanted me to give him his medallion. And I told him I'd be tickled to death too. His wife just passed away, and he said that was the only thing he had.

And you know what? It made me cry because I'm a tell you what, I don't understand that. I guess he's done got so old. He don't have any anybody but a couple of people in his life. And you know what?

I I was I was at Duke, and I shared this, and it's not because I'm great or anything. But there was a 100 people that in the waiting room, and I I the nurse came in there and she said, how many brothers and sisters you have? I said, I have 3. And she said, well, a lot of them people are telling me they're your brothers and sisters, and I don't wanna tell them they lied, but they don't look like you. And in a moment of insanity, for whatever reason, I said, well, my mama was around her.

And I they they sent every one of them back through there to see me. And I was so great I'm I mean, I'm I'm I'm grateful they came, but they had families and stuff inside. But but the real neat thing is that I don't understand, say, today. But one time, I did understand because I stayed in a room all by myself. I hid out in there, and I couldn't come out.

I didn't shave, didn't brush my teeth, didn't do nothing. And it was horrible. It was a horrible, horrible place. And because of of the the people and the fellowships, something happened. And and I have new I have new what the guy said in Bendigo, and he said it just perfectly.

I started my life over today, and that's what I do every day. But I want to get back to this real quick because, we started in a about 19 years ago, and I was about a year clean in in Danville, and and it flourished. And, the rooms filled up, and they would unfill about as fast as they'd fill up. And I would run over, like, we'd go to NA meeting over here, and I'd run over to the AA meeting because that they had it going on over there. There was a bunch of people staying sober, and, my sponsor was over there.

And he told me that, if I didn't persevere, it would die or we would die. So I just went over and stayed over there. And then, I I came to both fellowship for a while, and I was okay. And the reason I'm telling you this story, because remember this old guy that I told you about that told me I couldn't talk about drugs and the means? Well, we got to be friends after I stopped wanting to kill him.

That was 4 or 5 years later. And I took him back to treatment a couple of 3 times after that because he couldn't stay sober. And his his name was O'Harrison, and Harrison was a good fellow. But one night after a meeting and I happened to be there. He went home and blew his heart out.

And I went over to Kitty's house and and, asked could I do anything. And and Kitty said he just couldn't quit taking them daggone Valiums. And you know what? Something happened to me. I didn't I knew what was happening.

I knew why he couldn't stand me because he was looking at himself. Not that I was like him, but he was looking at that monster still alive. Because it was alive in me for a couple of 3 years after I was here. I just didn't know what to do with it, and I just didn't drink, didn't use, and went to meetings. And somewhere in the middle, I I was I shared this with you, and and I was going to, I was riding up Piney Forest Road.

I didn't went and bought me a brand. You know, sometimes when you don't feel good, you buy you something brand new. I I bought me a brand new truck, and I was riding up Piner Forest Road in Danville with $2,000 in my pocket. I was just gonna go have lunch with my dope man. Now I what do you do with $2?

I mean, who knows? I mean, you know I was just gonna say, what's up, man? Yeah. And, you know, and I've been I've been praying this, praying, and I'm not a religious person. I I have long hand, a ponytail, and stuff that, you you know, and I just we wouldn't have.

Me and god didn't hook up, and and, you know, when I was young, I was sitting on the back view of the church, and and they had altar call, and I was a Baptist. And I don't know why I was Baptist, but my daddy said, come on. You go to Baptist Church. So I was yeah. I was sitting on the back row, and they had an altar call, and some guy ran up there.

And the 3 guys on the back row, we all went with him. But now I didn't get no call on it, no holy row or whatever. You know, whatever happens, I didn't get none of that, but I I played like it. I mean, I want yeah. Yeah.

So, I figured everybody else was playing like it. So, when they started talking about god up in here, I was kinda messed up. I mean, I was messed up before they started talking about God, but I really got messed up. And and I told my sponsor, I said, look. I I just can't I don't believe it.

I don't believe in it. I watch people die. I have killed people. I have done horrible, horrible things to these few human beings on this earth no matter if they were Vietnamese or no matter if they were whatever. You know?

And he told me he said, it's a action you take that's gonna change your thinking, so you pray. And that was good enough for me. And so I started praying every day The the prayer and I had and I do that. I've done it this morning. The only time that I haven't done it is when I was in a hospital and they were putting stents in my heart.

I couldn't get on my knees and they wouldn't let me get out of bed. But I share this with you. If they had to let me get out of bed, I've done it because I I'm a share I believe in it. I believe it works. I say these 3 prayers every day of my life.

I said, god, keep me clean and sober today for I'm a diabetic and an alcoholic of the of the caliber that that I'm ashamed of. And I'll ask you to restore me to sanity, and I believe you can. And I make a decision to turn my life and my will over to you. And I get up and I say amen. And I was gonna pray for a whole bunch of other stuff, but my sponsor said, you can't do that.

And I thought, why not? Everybody else got a bunch of stuff. I want a bunch of stuff too. Just didn't work that way because I was scared. I was scared to to do that.

I mean, I did exactly what he told me. And at night, he said, get on your knees and you thank god for this day. And that's what I've done since October 17, 1984, and it's worked every day up to this point now. And that's a wonderful, wonderful thing. It it it really impresses me.

I'm a tell you. I didn't think I can make it, but, you know, they told me I had a one eye black man for counseling. His name was Bill w. And, and old wild Bill, he he, I, I am so talented and so smart, and and I have so much on the ball that when I got into the treatment center and he looked at me and he said, you have to read the first five chapters of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and I said, well, I ain't reading that book.

I ain't gonna do nothing you tell me. Let I I really want you to let me out of here. Here. And and I'll tell the story in a minute. But but, oh, Bill said, well, you can't read, can you?

And for the first time in my life, I looked at him and said, no. I can't read. And he taught me how to read. Now this man that didn't know me, didn't didn't couldn't didn't have a clue who I was from Georgia Brown, took me by the hand and over the next few months taught me how to read. Now I can read Dixie Jane Run, but if you're gonna read the big book about cos and all this, you gotta know a whole bunch of stuff in that language.

You know, they have a chapter 3 in there if you ain't never read it, and I don't push this book. But if you, you know, the first the first few pages of chapter 3, it's it's me. I have that that I wanted to be like other people. I wanted to be normal, and I just never was. But, anyway, going back to this thing, I was in my truck and I was running at Piney Forest Road.

And and, you know, I told you I've been praying all this prayer. And I said, god help me. I'm in trouble here. And something moved into that truck. Now, I you may think, yeah, this guy's dumb.

This guy's a fruitcake up here, but something moved in there. And I knew that I never had to do this again unless I pick it up. I knew in my heart that what was happening to me was, a absolute miracle, and I knew it was god. Now if you ask me to to describe him or to to he just touched me. I mean, whatever it was, you could say you can call it high power.

You can call it whatever you wanna call it. But whatever happened at that moment changed me. I went I even went over and hugged O'Hara. And when I got back to the meeting, they had a 1 o'clock meeting. I went there and hugged it.

By that time, I wouldn't I wouldn't liking him real good at that point, but I wouldn't wanna kill him either. But, see, that's how god worked because, see, he knew how I was. He knew I couldn't stand it. You know, I didn't wanna be a holy roller, and I didn't wanna be, you know, I don't wanna be calling everybody. I said, look.

You know, I found him in my truck. That's where I found him. So I went to the meeting that night, and I told my sponsor to get his cup of coffee. I he he never got me a cup. That's the only time he ever got me a cup of coffee long as he long as we were together, and he went and got me a cup of coffee.

And we sit there and talk for a minute, and and, it was good. He moved to California and left me all alone. Terrible thing to do. And I cried when he left. I don't know if y'all y'all get attached to somebody.

When they leave, you cry and you say goodbye and everything. But by that time, we had we were starting in a and we we, you know, we're doing great. And and a guy named Wendell was running around down there, and we always hanging out and and doing good. And I would I would, things don't happen in my life. I started making money.

I don't know if anybody's made money, but I've lost a lot of money. But I wanted to be rich. I really wanted to be filthy rich, have Rolex, have a big house and a car. And and some and I had this company and it give me all that. Everything I ever dreamed of.

And then I got handsome. I don't know if y'all get handsome here or not. You know, when you make all the money you could spend for the rest of your life And then and see, I forgot that, you know, the thing he says, we humbly asked him to help us get through our shortcomings. And and I've forgotten about that humility that I empowered us over my life. Because, see, once I got all this, this stuff started rolling in.

I could be the member of the country club, and I could drive a Porsche or whatever I wanted, or a new motorcycle or whatever, I forgot. I absolutely forgot who was supposed to be running my life. Now even though I was saying this prayer that we talk about in here, and, everything was was going on great. I was doing great. And I went in May 1 night, and I I got handsome for some reason.

I saw her across the room. And I'm a share this, and and you may not agree with me, and you and and and I don't wanna hurt nobody in your heart. But you know what? The only difference between me picking up that little thing across the room and having a wife and children in home and me picking up a load of dope is the monster I have to deal with. The next morning, it's still a monster, but I ain't got no needle marks in my arm.

That's the only difference, because I'm gonna share this with you. That monster rose up and bit me, and it might not bite you. And I'm not telling anybody that that this is a plan, though. But I'll tell you what, when she left me and took the kids and all the stuff and and, told me she she hoped I died and and all that stuff that all that spiritual stuff that I had learned. You know, I didn't really realize it was real at that moment.

See, I forgot. I got I got this thing in my in my inside of me that says, you have this monster ego here, you know, but you don't feel like you you can you're worth anything. I don't know if y'all have that, but I got that. And so but anyway, she took off, took the kids, hated my guts, and and, I paid a bunch of money. And I I used to go around and brag at that meetings how much money I was paying her, and and it wouldn't nobody cared.

I mean, it was just something I thought was cool. And it would make it was sickening. But but anyway, she divorced me, and everything that she got, she deserved. Because this woman had stayed with me and took care of me and do all this stuff. She came down the hospital and spent spent days with me down there not long ago.

And, they come in there and they they said, you're a dope shoot, ain't you? And I said, well, how do you know? I mean, you know, all of them are clean, but I mean, you know, you can't hide them. I mean, if you ever shot dope, you know what I'm talking about. Alright.

Oh, you know what? And I told him, sure. That's what I was. And and Karen was there with me for some and and and you know what? She is my best friend because something happened when when I came to the realization.

Now I'm a tell you what, pain was my greatest gift. And I shared this in a I know we're about right time. I don't know what time we have to stop. Just kinda tell me. But pain this pain that I had inflicted on myself and this horrible loss of all the money because she got all of it.

I mean, you know, the judge does not look at a long haired person like me and a woman with 2 children and think, hey, we're not gonna give her nothing. We, you know, we we're gonna hook her up. And they did. I mean, hey. So here I am.

I I didn't stuck up that 40 grand. And I'm gonna share this little story with you. I'm I stuck up $40. I hit it so she wouldn't get it. I mean, I don't know why it was $40.

It could've been 5. It wouldn't have mattered. So here I am. I'm in the meeting. I'm telling my sponsor that I got this little stash.

Right. That's the wrong thing to do. If you ever tell your spouse you got a little stash, you in trouble. If if he is worth a fart, you really are in trouble. So he looked at me and he said, well, when you gonna give a handbag?

I said, you gotta be kidding me. You know how I am. I mean, yo, look. You you've gotta be crazy. So I razzled with that for 2 or 3 days.

He didn't talk to me much. I didn't talk to him much. You know how you do you know how when you don't when you you you're not talking to your sponsor because you don't want him to know what you're doing or you don't want him to know that you ain't doing nothing or so you just shut up. You know? Go to a meeting and he's looking at you and you're just gritting your teeth.

I'm okay Right on. Yeah. Y'all know how that is. Well, anyway, here we are. I go to meet the next night.

I I went by our house that day, and I said, look, Karen, I I didn't I was trying to swing you out out of $20,000. Here it is in a bag. Do whatever you need to. The children need something bad. Whatever you need to do, I'm good with it.

And I was good with it. And I went on home and and and and I don't know if it's because I was honest at that moment or because I give it back to her. But something happened between me and her. And she knew I had made a mistake, and I had messed my life up. And and, but the pain that I suffered and endured and didn't go out and do dope over was my greatest gift because it it brought me back to where I needed to be.

It brought me back to that thing that I can't run my life. You know, anytime that I see, I even tonight, we had come down here in about 5 minutes till I didn't put my towel. I said, look, you know, the gas gonna come in any second. See, that's the way I am. I mean, you know, let's go happen tonight.

I mean, he's gonna be here, and I'm still looking for him, and he ain't got here yet. And I'm on. But, my my 2 children, my son got busted in the parking lot at the meet one night. See, he's coming right behind me. Bless his heart.

And I went over and got him, and I thought he had been hit. So I came out of the meeting, ran across the street, and and he's sitting over there like, yes. The police got him. You know how you know the the thing, you know. Okay.

I got it. I mean, you know. And, I took him back on across the street, and he's sitting in the vestibule till the meet was over with, and all my friends came walking out there. And, somebody said, aren't you ashamed? I said, no.

He did it. That was a dream. Ain't my fault. I mean, hey. He was he was a year old.

He's 21 when I got clean. So he's never seen me do that. But but you know what? He's seen all the other stuff that happens to us. You know, to getting hands on the you know, not showing up when you're, you know, on visitation days and, you know, going out and buying them something because you don't wanna spend a couple hours with them because you're busy with Susie or Georgette or Rita or whoever.

You know, pretty soon, they didn't want to have nothing to do with me either. I'll tell you that story one of these days. That was not a good story either, but but I share this with you. All these things were happening to me, and I didn't know what was going on. And what it was was this God that that I had prayed to that came into that call with me.

He was working on me. He was allowing me to go through the pain. Not that you have to do the same thing I did or but he but, see, I I was one of these hard headed, you know, people that had to go that way. And god, for whatever reason I didn't have to go that way. I just chose to go that way.

I need to rephrase that because you choose what you go do, and you don't have to do it. And my sponsor kept telling me, said, you don't have to go through all this pain. I said, oh, but it's great. It is fun. You know, I'm about to die.

Everything in me is coming apart. Going to meet, and they're talking about spirituality and not lie. And, you know, you you gotta check out 15 minutes early here because you gotta go do something. That's stupid. But I didn't know it was stupid till after it was all over with, and I was all alone again.

It's the same spot I was at when they took me out of those restraints. You know? And and I'll share this with you. When I got on my knees outside in the in the in the bathroom back here, I wasn't afraid you was gonna see me. I didn't really think about you.

All I wanted to do is say, look, god, I am absolutely in trouble. There's gonna be 200 people, and they're looking for a dynamic speaker, and I am really in a shitter. And I don't know. And please forget to my vocab my vulgarity, but that's that's where I was at. And you know what?

It was okay. And then I came up in here, and and, I wanna share these 2 little things with you because say, no matter how bad I mess up, god loves me. No matter how horrible my life, whether and I share this with you. I I was I was sharing this. I had swam half a mile that morning, and and, I got out of the swimming pool.

And and, my girlfriend said, he looked pale. And I said, I feel bad. And I'm a lay right here on the deck for a minute. And, I laid down and, I said, I think I'm gonna get up and go in the house. And she said, you really look pale.

You and you're sweating. You know, you know, maybe you wanna call somebody. And when I got when I laid back down on that deck, I had thought about what my days 3 or 4 days before that, because I knew I was in trouble. My something that wasn't right. I knew in here, I I I run every 3 times a week.

I I swim all the time, but something wasn't right. And I thought about the people that I loved. A lot of you, a lot of people I have in in my home group and my children. And and and I thought about what happened. I told him I loved him and and my children were in my house the day before, and and we had a big picnic.

And I told them how much I loved them. And and, man, and this is a funny thing. My ex wife works for me in a company, one of the companies I own. And, I even told her I love her. She freaked her out.

And I said, she's we've been we've been divorced for 10 years, 12 years, and and it just freaked her out. But she's really good with that, and she loves me. And I tell I tell you this. And I was I was thinking about the people that I loved, not what I was gonna do with all this money or how could I do this or what was happening or the 10 houses I supposed to close on next week, or the the apartment building I was gonna buy, whatever. I wouldn't think about none of that.

I was thinking about the people that I said, look, I I missed them. I mean, I wish I had called and told them I loved them. And you know what? I didn't have any of those people because I told them all that I loved them. And I laid back there and I said, look.

If it's time, let's go. I'm alright. Let's do it. Let's get on this thing. You know what?

You let me live a monster life. You've let me do things people only dream about doing. And it's because of this fellowship and people in it that have held on to me when I was not okay. And because it's god of my understanding that he loves me so much that he lets me go and hurt myself so I can get humble enough to say, look. I can't run this show.

And, and John came down with I wanna share this. I don't wanna thank John to come with me, but but the gift is not always the stuff. It is the pain. Because if I didn't have the pain, I would not be here. Thank you for letting me share.