Gopher State Roundup XXVIII

Lot of you out there. My name is John Allred, and I am an alcoholic. Well, it's been great, Anna. I, we had a ball. I wanna thank the committee before I get into my story.

They've just been more than gracious. We've had Micah's wife, Katie, picked us up and just chauffeured us around. And it's very just stressful today for my wife. They took her over to the mall. Very she's a native Texan and, very discouraging to realize that everything's not bigger in Texas.

You know? That's a hard pill to swallow for a Texan. And and, but she handled it alright. And it's just it's been one. We got a great fruit basket and the flowers, and I really wanna thank them.

That's, you can tell a lot of how successful a conference is gonna be by the committee. And, and this committee you got is very well organized and very functional. That's And I like I tell you, that countdown is pretty impressive, isn't it? But I think we had, like, 3 or 4 people with a day. You know?

The thing I love about Alcoholics Anonymous is the is the, it's a paradox. You know? See, we got the only disease around here where where you apologize for not being sick longer. Oh, I've only got a day. Some guy 40 years saying, I've been sick for 40 years.

It's just that everything's a paradox. Go to a meeting on Saturday night Saturday night. Right? All the Baptists, all all the drunks are in here talking about God and all the Baptists are out there talking about the drunks. It's just amazing.

The thing and the thing is so hard about this program is you can't do it. I mean, you come in, what do they tell you? First time I'm in there, they say, well, you know, you gotta change everything. You're gonna have to change your playmates, change your playgrounds, change your play pins, change it all. Then you get a sponsor.

What's the first thing your sponsor says? Don't make any major changes the 1st year. You know? How are you supposed to do that? You know?

I don't know how to do that. And I don't do this very well. I mean, I don't know anybody that does this. Hey, hey, thank you very. Very in fact, I love the meeting after the meeting when you're out having coffee, you know, and you're trying to help another alcoholic who's who's usually not there.

You're just talking about him a little bit, you know. Somebody inevitably will say, oh, yeah. Yeah. He talks the talk, but he can't walk the walk. Who are we kidding?

None of us can walk the walk. I mean, if I could walk the walk, I wouldn't come to AA. I come here because I can't walk the walk. You know? Well, I come here.

And and and isn't that what our big book says? Then after they get through reading how it works, they read it tonight. After how it works, you know, and they get through reading those 12 things and then it says, wow. What an order. Can't go through with it.

Don't be discouraged. No one among us can maintain perfect adherence. See, nobody can do that. They don't exclude anybody. They don't exclude Bill Wilson.

They don't exclude doctor Bob. They certainly don't exclude John Allred. Nobody can do this deal. And so those of us that can't do it like talking about the rest of you that can. You know?

I don't do it better. He don't do it. You know? It's just an amazing thing. But I'm, I'm tickling.

I love that. Having the speakers been great? Just been wonderful. I love it. That's a strong lineup that they got, and I'm looking forward, the rest of the week.

And the, and even the Al Anans, they they did a good job. They did. I love the Al Anon. I mean, they they need to be here. You know?

I tell you, I never used to go to those Al Anon deals and, I'd go to these conferences and they and a lot of times they have these Al Anon luncheons, you know, so they give you the little lunch ticket and I'd never go. And, and then I was single and I thought, well, that's where the women are, you know. So so I went to my 1st Al Anon luncheon in California, and it was a man, they got a lot of women there. You guys don't go, you're missing it. And, some of them even wear high heels.

This is those popular Al Anon flats. You know? But they're, I'm sitting there in this in this, Al Anon luncheon there, and I'm looking around. And and this friend of mine from Canada is talking. Al Anon, I've known her for a while.

I've never heard her story. And she's talking, and she's talking about trying to stab her husband in the back. And and she was in Al Anon. She shared that with her sponsor, and her sponsor shared with her how she tried to suffocate her husband. I'm looking around to meeting all the women.

I'm gonna stick with the alcoholic women. Thank you. I mean, my God. I never heard of that That was a weird convention. I mean, it really I was sitting out there and and it was tied to a convention center and they had the shopping mall, you know.

And, so I'm out there on Saturday, just in between meetings, just people watching, eating some frozen yogurt. I'm sitting there. Here come these 2 punk rockers. Y'all y'all got punk rockers up here in Minnesota? Yeah.

And they're in AA. They got their name badge on. So they're in AA. Guy's got a green spike going out here. And he's got a purple spike straight up in the air, and he's got a blonde spike going out here.

And he's with his girlfriend. They're holding hands. They're in love. And, they're dressed kinda like well, kinda like I used to dress when I lived under the bridge. You know?

And right next to me is the sunglass boutique. They got sunglasses in there. Guy goes up and puts on these sunglasses, and his girlfriend looks at him and she says, take those off. They make you look stupid. That's just a distorted perception of reality.

That's all. We're not no one's got that. Normies are distorted in their reality. Right next to that sunglass boutique is this accessory joint. They got accept earrings and stuff in there for women.

You know? They got a big sign in the window. It says, ears pierced while you wait. Okay. What's the alternative to that?

I mean, you're what are you gonna? Just distorted perception? We got that distorted perception in Dallas. They it's really unbelievable. They got a new boutique down there.

They got about a chain of them now. There must be 10 of them down there. It's called, condoms to go. You can't use them there. You no.

So I guess a lot of you use them there, you gotta take them and go. You know? Just distorted perception of reality. You know? It's just bizarre on it.

I got that distorted perception of reality. You know, but that's not my fault. Uh-uh. No. I it's not.

I I'm an adult child of non alcoholics. You know, that's a bitch. I mean, you got nobody to blame. Nobody in my family drinks. My dad never drank, brother don't drink, sis don't drink, but I never drank drunk.

I grew up in a very normal environment. I'm not gonna spend a lot of time on my drunk. I just hope You all know that I I I must like to drink and God, I love to drink. You know? And then I started drinking when I was 25.

You know, had my first drunk and God, it was wonderful. And I never drank socially. I just drank out. I never got a glass of wine or a cocktail and watched the ice melt and visited with people. I get drunk.

I I get drunk, and I I I like to drink, and I get drunk. And, in fact, when I and I'm getting drunk, and 3 weeks after that first drunk, I remember pulling up to the liquor store at 10 in the morning, because because they open at 10. So I'm on time and I go in there to the liquor store, and I'd buy 3 little mini bottles of vodka, like the kind you get on the airplane, those little mini bottles of vodka. Because they told me you couldn't smell vodka. Okay?

So I'd buy those 3 little mini bottles, and I'd crack those, and I'd suck that down. And that's hard. Hole's only that big in those little bottles. You get a hernia sucking on those puppies. You really you really will.

So I drink, and then I I go to work, you know. And I'm getting in all kinds of trouble, and my life's changing. And, right at that time, the mothers were really getting mad about drunk drivers, and they were just putting out a lot of press stuff. And, they put out this press stuff, and one of the articles I read said that only 1 in 2,000 drunk drivers gets picked up. And I read that and I thought, well, that's pretty good odds.

If I get drunk every night, you know, I go 4 or 5 years before I need to release I've been drinking 6 months. I get my first DWI. Like, what are the odds of that? So I'm sitting in the drunk tank, and then I I figured it out real quick. I thought, well, okay.

Got that out of the way. You know? I can go for right now 13 years before I got to worry about my next one. You know? And and people started telling me that I'm an alcoholic.

I mean, I've been drinking a year, and they're telling me I'm I'm I said, well, what's an alcoholic? How do you know you're an alcoholic? What and they said, it's a disease. I said, okay. Then let's go, let's go to the doctor.

So I know we really can't do it. How do you know you're an alcoholic then? If you can't go to the doctor, get it back. Can't we go get, like, some blood analysis? No, we can't do that.

Well, how do you know you're an alcoholic? I mean, what's an alcoholic? Can't can't we go get like a CAT scan? MRI, something like no? Yeah.

Well, how do you know you're not Oh, yeah. Here's the deal. Y'all want me to quit drinking. What happens 20 years from when I find out I'm not alcoholic? I belonged 20 years, I could have been drinking.

I'm not willing to take that kind of risk. I'm not going to do it. So they give you that little that little 20 questions. Right? I can I can take that test and pass it?

Non alcoholic. I did it three times. Okay? Because I lie. In fact, I'm so good at lying, I don't know I'm lying.

I could pass lie detector test. I could lie and pass the test, Because I don't know I'm lying. I think it's real. It's just distorted perception out. And, in fact, they say, well, you drink too much.

Soon they told me I drank too much. I know I'm not an alcoholic because I never drank too much in my life. There's not an alcoholic in this room that ever drank too much. See, I am an alcoholic, Not because I drank too much. I'm an alcoholic because I couldn't drink enough.

That's the problem. Well, did did you ever drink enough? I see somebody from this group, you know. You go into the bar, you have a couple cocktails. Bartender says, you ever know a cocktail?

Oh golly. No, I think I've had enough. I got church tomorrow. I don't wanna go like that. I've had enough.

Yeah. Never had enough. I go to the barber store. We get to the bar at noon. Right?

We start drinking at noon. It's now midnight. We've been drinking 12 hours, and we're drunk. Hell, we know it. We're talking about it.

Stuart, God I'm drunk. He says, me too. Can I buy another drink? Hadn't had it. Well, if you can't drink enough, it's impossible to drink too much.

You'll never see normal drinkers. You know who you are. Normal drinkers can drink enough. And so occasionally, but but not very often. They might drink too much.

But if you're an alcoholic, like I'm an alcoholic, and you can't drink enough, you'll never drink too much. It's important. In fact, I'll tell you a quick story. I gotta keep talking because I'm running out of time. But, I'll tell you, 10 10 10, 12 years ago, a buddy of mine invited me over to his house to this pool party on Sunday, where he wanted me to meet this gal, and he's not an alcoholic.

And so I go to this pool party Sunday, about 12:30, and they're barbecue. I go in there, they're in the kitchen fixing, that have barbecue and organ laying around the pool. And I noticed that one bucket of ice, and one bottle of champagne in the bucket. I said, Steve, what what's this? He says, oh, that's our champagne.

I said, but what are you going to do with this? He says, Well, the girls wanted to have mimosas. They're going to mix it with orange juice. Okay? So I said, how many bottles y'all got?

He gets a funny look on his face and he says, just the one. Why? I said, hell, it's your party. You know? So we barbecued, we landed in the pool, we had a great afternoon.

About 6 o'clock, everybody's leaving, they're getting ready to go home, they're cleaning up. I go in and in the kitchen, all 3 of them are fussing with this bucket. And I said, what are you all doing? Steve looks up and he says, oh, John, You're an alcoholic. You'll know how to do this.

How do we recork this bottle? Because I don't have a clue how to recork that bottle. I mean, did you ever have to recork a bottle in your life? No. Unbelievable.

See they I'm embarrassed for these guys. I mean, 3 of them drinking, well, can't knock out one measly bottle. I drank a 12 pack of diet coke in the meantime, you know, they can't knock out one bottle of champagne. Unbelievable. See, they had had enough and they were done.

K? But if you're like me, once I start drinking, I can't drink enough. In fact, when I drink, incredibly, it's like a little bomb goes off inside. Man, it fills every pore I got. And I am I am happy, joyous, and free when I'm drinking.

And you want me to quit? God, why would you quit? In fact, when I'm drinking, every time this works, man. You know those promises in the book? After step 9, we got we got another lot of promises in the book, but I'm talking about the books after step 9, where it talks about 12 promises.

Those promises, when I drink, the illusion of those promises comes true in my life. Every time. It's an amazing deal. I don't know about you, but after that first drink, I began to know a new freedom and a new happiness. And after about 3 or 4 drinks, I don't know about you, but that fear of financial insecurity just kind of slips away.

Hell, I got checks. We're okay, you know? And I don't know about you, but after 12, after about 6 drinks, I would intuitively know how to handle situations that were bathroom. It's an amazing deal that happens. After about 12 or 30 drinks, I don't know about you, but it became clear that alcohol was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself.

Now, here's the reality of that whole deal. I have always, my whole life, insisted on those promises. I have demanded and when I first came in today and they read me those promises, I thought, what kind of Mickey Mouse deal is that? What I really want is a promise that's like a job, and a car, a place to live. Those are promises.

And then they read me those, but I have always, the truth is, I've always needed, demanded, insisted on having those promises in my life. My whole life, I've insisted on those promises. And if I don't find a way to have those promises in my life today without drinking, I will drink again. Alcohol gave me the illusion of those promises. And I'll have to have them.

If I don't get them, I'll drink. So, I have to have a program that's going to give me those promises without drinking, if I'm going to stay sober. Because you will go get those promises. You're not even going to get them drunk, you're going to get them sober, but you will get those promises. And the only way I know how to get them sober is to work the steps, Because you're not gonna get that stuff coming in your life till you go through that process of working these steps.

I didn't know any of that then. All I know is that it was giving me what I needed, you know. And I got a lot of problems, I started moving around and up in Reno, Nevada. I wasn't doing anything in Reno, Nevada. Just playing a little poker.

Best time to gamble is when you're unemployed. And, doing a little drinking. And a buddy of mine invited me to go back. I grew up in Salt Lake. That's where I did most of my drinking, till I started moving around.

And, so I went back to Salt Lake to visit. These guys invited me over to go out, so I went over there. We got out there on Friday night. We're at a place called the One More Time Club. It's a great club.

And, I found her. She was sitting at the bar waiting for me. Fell in love. I wanted to take her out Saturday. Couldn't go out Saturday.

Couldn't go out Sunday. Had to wait till Monday. Supposed to go back to Reno sun. Should've gone back to Reno. Stayed in Salt Lake till Monday.

I take this guy out on Monday. That Monday was October 6, 1981. And, we got on this date, and it was a bad date. You know you got a bad date when you invite them to dinner, and then they really want to eat. I mean, I never eat when I'm drinking, you know?

And, so she's eating, I'm drinking. And so, and the woman ain't keeping up. I'm a gentleman. Every time I order me a whiskey or her a glass of wine, wine, well, she's busy eating. She ain't drinking her wine, you know?

Now, I gotta drink my whiskey and drink her wine. And it's just a bad deal. She wanted me to take her home and I wanted to take her home, so I dropped her off. It was 10:30. I went by Price, I was staying at Price's house and I knocked on the story.

He opens the door and says, it's 10:30, I thought you had a day. Date. I said, that damn woman. I bought a gallon of wine because she said she liked wine. She didn't even drink any of my wine.

And, so we went in there and I drank that wine all night. And I said, now, tomorrow night, Tuesday, October 7, 1981, we're gonna hit this town and I'm gonna get out of here. I I get in trouble in Utah. It's altitude. High altitude.

I gotta get back to Reno. High altitude drinking gets you in trouble. It really does. Well, it does. It's a blood thing.

Your blood is thinner at high altitudes than low altitudes. And my blood was real thin. I've been living Utah my whole life. I had thin blood. I you party hard on thin blood, you have a problem.

I need to stay at sea level. And, so I went back to Reno. I was gonna leave back to Reno on Wednesday. So we were out Tuesday. We started at a place, Joker Club.

We went over to see the fascia at the Hilton. I remember the fascia at the Hilton, and I blacked out. I blacked out a lot. Some people don't black out. I blacked out a lot.

And some blackouts are a little scary, some aren't too bad. It depends on how long you're blacked out. The longer you're blacked out, the scarier they are. And and what you're doing when you come out of your blackout, that determines how scary it is. And I came out I wasn't blacked out very long, but I came out of my blackout at the worst time.

And those of you that blacked out know this. The worst time to come out of a blackout, no question. The worst time to come out of a blackout is when you're talking to the cops. I mean, you don't have a clue what they're doing. You don't know what they stopped you for.

You don't know what you've already told them. You don't know nothing, man. And and it makes it a little hard because you gotta figure out now, what is it they want? You can't, you know, because you can't ask them like, oh, what are we doing? You know?

Because you may have been talking to them for 30 minutes and you don't know. And and it's just a and you gotta figure all that stuff out without out letting on that you don't know what you're doing. And, I finally figured out they wanted my driver's license And I didn't have a driver's license. They'd taken that 3 DWIs earlier, you know. And, so I told the guy, I'm just gonna I said, listen.

I'm leaving my car parked right here. I appreciate it. I'm going right over there. I'm going over there, that's where I'm going. And I'll leave it here and pick it up tomorrow.

No problem. And, he wouldn't let me go. And I finally ran my license plate, found out who it was, arrested me, and I'm in jail. And and, this time, they're they're ticked, you know. I mean, I came bombed out.

See, I knew the system. You get arrested, you plead not guilty. No matter what you're arrested for, not guilty, you know. And then back then, you you get out in your OR. If it's just drunk stuff, you get out in your OR.

And then they set a court date, you get your attorney, and then you start that postponing process. Right? Postpone. Postpone. Postpone.

Postpone that thing for a year. Then when you can no longer postpone it, and the and the attorney says, now tomorrow we go to court. You wanna be sure on the day before court, move. K? That's what I did, I moved.

I never went to court, I just moved, you know. So I had I had a lot of failure to appear. Okay? So they said, no, we're not letting you out, you don't come back. So you're gonna go to court this time, alright?

So and I don't like lockup. I hate lockup. I don't know anybody that likes lockup. So So I'm in jail in Can't Get. Finally, a buddy of mine named Stan coming down to get me.

And Stan had a lot of money. I grew up with Stan and we played ball together. He had a lot of influence, knew some people. So, he said, I've talked to some friends, I can get you out if you're in my custody. But the only way I'll do that is if you promise me you'll go to treatment because you're sick.

I said, Oh, Stan. Bless you. Well, you are so right. I don't know what it is. I guess I'm an alcoholic stand.

I get this overrunning compulsion. I get drunk. I get in all kinds of trouble, and I really need help. But I can't get any in here. He says, I'll get you out.

So I got out of and I had no intention of not drinking. I didn't want to quit. I'm not gonna quit. I'm just getting out of jail. And I'll do or say anything to get out of jail.

So I had to stay with Stan that night. So, next day we get up, he throws me the yellow pages, says, you go to where you want to go, but you gotta go to treatment. So, I'm 81, I'm in 90 1, I'm looking in the yellow. They got a lot of treatment places in 81 and I found a treatment center, I called up the treatment center, I said, I need to, come in for a little treatment. And the gal said, do do you have any insurance?

No. No, I hadn't worked for 3 and a half years. I don't have any insurance, you know. She said, well, it's $12,000 I said, I I'm not that sick. I really don't need that much treatment.

And I couldn't believe it. I said, I just need a little treatment. She said, that is a little treatment. You know? It's very frustrating.

I come I come to this one place, they wanted $18,000. I couldn't believe it. I said, honey, listen. If I had $18,000 I wouldn't need your goddamn treatment. That solved any problem I had.

It was amazing. Very fresh. I finally called this one place, and I said, I need to come in for a little treatment. Gail says, okay. And I said, well, you know, I had I don't have an insurance.

She says, okay. I said, how much is it? She says, well, when you check-in here, you get room, board and therapy. Both individual and group therapy, and it's $9 a day. And then you apply for food stamps when you check-in here and that subsidizes us.

And then if you work around here, we pay a buck 50 a day. And you can get down to probably about $5 a day. I couldn't believe it. I said, how long is your waiting list? See, those other places that want a 12, 18,000, they had a 30 to 6 day waiting list.

I said, how long is your waiting list? She said, oh, we got a bed for you tonight. I said, fuck. I don't really need to come tonight. She said, I think you need to come tonight.

Now, I got a problem with this place. Think about that. They got bargain rates. $9 a day. Room board therapy.

They can't fill their beds. K? Now, they're high pressure me to get me coming down there. I'm the consumer. I got my rights.

I said, honey, listen, you make reservations for Saturday, just forget the whole damn deal. And so she did. She made me reservations for Saturday. And I didn't drink. I don't know why.

I just didn't drink. Staying with Stan. And I got up Saturday to drove down. I sat in that park, and I sat in that parking lot for hours watching, going. I wanted to see, you know, those guys going in and out of there, in and out of there.

I want to see what kind of person goes to a $9 a day jitter joints, you know? So I'm like, and you know what? Those guys went they they were alcoholics. They looked like alcoholics. They really did.

I thought, no wonder the guy is going there. Look at him. My god, he's an alcoholic. You can tell, look at that guy, he needs to be there. You know?

They didn't look like y'all look. Y'all do not look like alcoholics. Okay? Those guys going there look like alcoholics. I wasn't alcoholic, but it fit my budget, so I checked in.

You know? Nothing happened. Saturday, just filled out a bunch of papers. Nice place. Clean place.

And, Sunday, I had my first exposure to Alcoxon Anonymous. 2 guys from outside came in. They chaired this meeting. There were 36 of us there, all men. We sat around banquet tables like this.

It was a discussion meeting. These 2 guys talked for a long time. I paid no attention at all to what they said. K. Because I'm watching everybody else.

Figuring out what k. What do we do in AA? So I'm gonna watch you, figure out what we do in AA, and then I'm gonna copy you. I'm I'm a real chameleon. K.

I'm gonna watch you figure out what you do, and then I'm gonna copy you. And, so they attacked for a while and then they started down the row. 1st guy that he's in treatment center, he said, well, my name's Joe B. I'm an alcoholic. I'll pass.

Some guy said, my name's Jim S, I'm an alcoholic. I'll pass. Hell, I caught him real quick. What they do in AA is they give their first name, last initial, admit to the group you're alcoholic, and then you pass. You know?

There's something magical. It's magical. If you admit to this group you're alcoholic, it'll just like take that burnout costume off your shoulders. That must be the deal. They had it printed on the wall, Admitted you're powerless over alcohol.

It got to me, I did it right. I said, my name is John a. I'm an alcoholic, and I'll pass. Nothing happened. I thought, well, I guess I'm not alcoholic.

Or, if I am an alcoholic, I guess, alcoholics anonymous is just for simple minded people. Nobody has any brains for Pete's sake. I mean, you know. Now, as distorted a perception that is of a complex autonomous, that was my perception about it ain't for me. You know?

That was on Monday, I got me my counselor, Dale. Dale's a lovely lady. We're talking. She's going to counsel me. She wanted me to stay 2 months.

I said, Dell, Dell, Dell, Dell, Dell. I have been here all weekend, Okay? I've been talking to these folks. They're alcoholics. They've told me they were.

I have no reason to doubt it. They look like they probably are alcoholics. I don't know whether I'm an alcoholic or not, but I, I know that that they told me that 1st month that I'm here, you're gonna break me down. You're gonna teach me how to get open and honest. I said, let me save a month right there.

I've always been open and honest. And I've got a great mind. I remember everything. I did it real well in school. You can get my transcripts.

It'll show you. I did it real well in school. It's like my mind's photographic memory. It's like a steel trap, remembers everything. And and I read fast, and I'm too busy to stay.

I can't stay 2 months. She said, you're too busy? I said, yes. She said, well, where are you working? I said, well, I'm not working, but I'm busy.

Is that true about alcoholics? Alcoholics are the most busy, unemployed people you ever wanna meet in your life. They really are. Go to the meeting Monday. Right?

Go to the meeting Monday. Now, the guy's unemployed. He's got nothing to do but get to the meeting and he's late. And you say, where you been? Oh, hell.

I've been busy. You know? I don't know what we do, but we're busy doing it. You know, we really are. So I said, I'll give you 2 weeks down because, see, I'm not gonna quit drinking.

That's not what I'm doing there. I'm I'm just getting out of jail. And I figured treatment time is better than jail time. Now, I don't tell anybody that, but that's what I'm doing. I figured, 2 weeks is enough time to fulfill my obligation to stand.

Now, I can leave, go back to Reno and get on with my life because I'm not going to quit drinking. I'm just getting out of jail. And so she listens to all that stuff, she finally says, well, we'd better hurry with you. Damn right. That was on Monday.

Tuesday, I got to go to group therapy. Love group therapy. Love group. Come on to the group lingo real quick, you know. Oh, come on, man.

Get honest. That's funny. Man, you're in denial. Love that kind of shit. That was on Tuesday.

Wednesday was an alcoholic education seminar. They're showing a movie. I don't like movies about drug addiction and alcohol. I find them boring. Even today, I don't watch them.

They're boring to me today. But I'm sitting there in all my ego, all my contempt, and all my pride prepared not like this movie. And they're showing this movie. The name of the movie they're showing was called, I'll quit tomorrow. K?

I'm watching this movie. Man, it tore me apart. I mean, it tore me apart. I I identified that they're in that idea. It's like they made a movie of my life and they were showing it to the group.

I mean, I did everything. I dressed the way that guy dressed. I talked the way that guy talked. I acted the way the guy acted. I drank.

The way that guy drank, I related to everything that guy did and I knew the gig was up. That was my moment of clarity when I knew the gig was up as I'm watching that movie. See, what happened to me that night is I quit looking for that definition. What's an alcoholic? How do you know you're an alcoholic?

Later found out in AAC, we don't have a definition of an alcoholic. I couldn't define an alcoholic for you tonight. I don't know how to define that. What we have in Alcoholics Anonymous is a description of an alcoholic. So you can't argue with the description.

Of the alcoholic. Because it's that description that seems to have the power as you relate to it, to strip everything that separates the alcoholic from himself. And I could see me that night like I never seen him. I could see me that night like my mother saw me, as I watched that guy and identified with that guy. I could see me that night like my ex wife saw me.

Difference was, I could see me and I knew the gig was up. And I wasn't happy about it. Sometimes you'll hear from the podium, people will say, when they found out they were alcoholic, how relieved they were and how they felt at home. That was not my experience. Okay?

I was pissed, okay? And I was scared. I cried all night. I was scared to death, Because now, I know I'm an alcoholic. My God, what am I going to do?

I'm an alcoholic. How am I going to function in the world? I don't know how to function anymore. Now, I gotta go, like, get a job. You know?

And how am I gonna meet people? How am I gonna meet girls? I don't know how to do any of that. And that was the stuff that was important to me back then. You know?

And I cried all night. And I stayed there, 6 weeks. Couldn't say 2 months. Too busy. But I did say 6 weeks.

And I left there and they said, now you're living in Reno, that's 800 miles from Salt Lake. That's too far to you need aftercare. You need aftercare. But you're living you can't come back here 3 times a week for aftercare. That's too far.

So here's what we're gonna prescribe for you for your aftercare. You go to AA. That's your aftercare. And they gave me Intergroup's phone number in Reno. That's your aftercare.

AA. Intergroup. Call them when you get there. So I'd go back to Reno, got back to Reno. I knew 2 things on my back to Reno.

I knew I was alcoholic and I didn't want a drink. I knew that. Same thing I knew was, a's got nothing to offer. I mean, you go there, you give your first name, last initial, admit to the group you're alcoholic, and then pass. Okay?

My God. How do we get to do that every week, you know? But I don't want a drink, so I call AA, first time back in town. Guy answers the phone. I did it right.

I said, my name is John A. I'm an alcoholic. He says, I'm Bruce. I'm an alcoholic. What can I do for you, John?

And I said, well, listen. I just got a treatment over here in Salt Lake City. I'm living here in Reno, Nevada and I wanted, you know, to call and report in. I I thought they had me on computer, you know. And if you don't if you don't check-in, you get failure to appear one more time out there.

He says, well, I said, I'm glad you're here. Do you wanna go to a meeting tonight? It was Thursday. You wanna go to a meeting? I said, yeah.

You're probably gonna wanna meet me. He said, no. I'm not going tonight. But there's a men's stag at the Holtz Riverside Casino. 3rd floor of your room starts at 8:30.

I said, I don't I don't know where that is. I'll be there. I'll be there all over so we can meet. He said, I'm not going. I said, well, call them and let them know that I'm k.

Because they'll be there. So I show up quarter after 8. First resentment, I'll call it anonymous. He never called. He told me, I must come.

They didn't nobody there to say, oh, you must be John a. Here's your seat. Coffee. Welcome. No.

No. This is some guy smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, waiting for a meeting. I got my coffee, sat down. Pretty soon, a guy named Red got up to chair the meeting. Red looked like an alcoholic.

He only had 18 years then and he he talked he talked for a long time, paid no attention to what Red said because I'm watching what these guys are doing. And pretty soon, he he quit talking. There's a discussion of me. They started down a row. These guys were talking.

They didn't pass. Now, I don't know what they were talking about. There's nothing we talk about in treatment. And they didn't even introduce themselves right. Some of them, who introduced themselves, did not give their last initial.

They said, my name is John, I'm an alcoholic. Guy didn't give his last initial. Some of them gave their last name. I said, my name is John Allred. I'm an alcoholic.

Jesus Christ. Doesn't he know this is an anonymous program? Man, it was for 1st and last, I could look him up in the phone book if I wanted to. So, I thought, if those guys won't respect Thranden, I will. I didn't look at those guys.

I just don't know. Don't know who they are. Don't wanna know what you look like. If anybody asks me who's at the meeting, I don't know. Don't know who you are.

You know? And they're talking about stuff I have known. It became real clear to me. When I sat halfway through that meeting, nobody mentioned who we got an X Y chromosome deficiency. How are they gonna stay sober?

It became clear these guys have not been to treatment. So it got to me, I thought I'd help. I did. And I qualified. I I did it right to it.

I said, my name is John A and I'm an alcoholic. When I qualified, I said, listen, I just got out of treatment over here in Salt Lake City, and I want you all to know I have the latest and most up to date medical and psychological information, Rick. 2nd reason, Rick cut me off. I said, thank you, John. Went on to the next guy.

I thought, son of a bitch is jealous. You know? I know stuff he don't know. It's his problem. After me, some guys come and shook my hand.

They said, we hope you come back. Damn right you do. You need me down here. Now, Chuck Chamber used to always say, oh, man, my teacher. Some people teach me what to do.

Some people teach me what not to do. K? Keep in mind, most of what I share is what not to do. K? Because I've done this deal all wrong.

I don't know where I was when they said 90 meetings in 90 days. Not the way I did it. I did 1 meeting a week. Every Thursday, I'm down on my men's stack. Now, they they will not let me share, But I keep going back.

I figured, I'm a hell of a lot younger than Red. He's gonna die than I get to share. Now, let me tell you what happens when you go to 1 meeting a week if you haven't tried that. One of the things they told me treatment, which is true, they said, John, don't drink. Okay?

Man, if you just don't drink, you'll feel better. Just don't drink and you'll feel better. But see, they did not explain to me what that meant. If you don't drink, you will feel better. You're going to feel all the pain, all the anger, all the resentment.

You'll feel that shit a whole lot better, you know. That's why I drink. I'm walking around Reno I'm walking around Reno feeling better going nuts. You know, I drink that way. I'm surprised I like watching paint dry.

Oh, gosh. Thursday, we get to go back down to the men's stag and not share. One more time. So I'm down there. It was it was Christmas Eve.

I mean, it's dad group, Christmas Eve and they said, now, tomorrow, Christmas day, you got nowhere to go Christmas dinner. You can go to the dryer's club. Skid Row Club House over on Wells Street in Reno, still there. You go to the dryer's club and it's free dinner and, and anyone's welcome. I had nowhere to go Christmas day, so I go to the dryer's club.

I ate. It was good. I'm sitting there smoking, sitting there drinking a cup of coffee. Here comes a guy. You can see him.

They start up to the other side of the room. They look at you and say, oh, a newcomer. So they start walking over and go, oh, god. What's this guy want? You know?

And this guy, he's he's not my kind of guy. He's an old guy. Fat old guy. Real funny hair. Nothing cool about the guy at all.