The topic of "Emotional Sobriety" at Carry This Message group's Day of sharing

I'd like to introduce our next speaker, Beth Bee from APAC how do you say that? That's it. New Jersey. Thank you. Hi.

My name is Beth, and I'm an alcoholic. Amen. And, thank you so much for asking me to come out and, share a piece of my story. It's a really big deal for me. I am I'm an alcoholic, and I started drinking at a very young age.

And I grew up in a home where there wasn't a whole lot of personal connection. I wasn't close with either of my parents. I wasn't close really with either of my brothers. The only emotional connection I had when I was growing up was my grandfather, who I saw 2 weeks a year in the summer, and they would come up from Florida. And I remember, I remember just being able to be with him, just being able to sit in his presence, just me and him.

And it was the only comfortable time I ever experienced, as a small kid. I, my story includes a lot of animals, and I bring them up today because, it's again taking, a huge role in my life. I, My parents bred and showed dogs. And so, as I started to get, you know, 5, 6 years old, I started to show the puppies and train the puppies and work with the puppies. And so when the I got a little bit older, I started showing them at dog shows.

And we we had really good dogs, and we won a lot. So I assumed it was, you know, all about me. And, I, would show would show dogs, and we would go to dinners and kennel club meetings, and they would have, gatherings and and, you know, lots of social affairs where there would be alcohol. And 90% of the time, there would be open bars. So I would go up to the bar and I would order rum and Cokes for my dad and then suck them down.

And I I don't remember, you know, being the life of the party. I don't remember I just remember being a little more normal, a little more comfortable. It was really the only time I ever looked forward to. School was not fun for me. I was didn't have any friends in school.

I didn't know how to connect with other people. I remember in it was either in kindergarten or 1st grade, I remember sitting at my desk not being able to finish whatever I was supposed to finish, and everybody would finish their work and go and play with the toys in the back of the room. And I always felt like I was one step behind. I always felt like somebody had gotten some information or something that I hadn't gotten. And, I was always one step behind.

So I remember this one particular time, I just started writing whatever, blah, blah, blah. And then I, like, ran to the back of the room so that I could play, and then all of a sudden playtime was over. And everybody was going back to their desk, and I had missed it again. And we moved to New Jersey when I was, I think, 6. And, you know, my luck followed me, and I came with me.

And, that's when I started to help my brother empty my parents' liquor cabinet. They had a bottle of wine in there or champagne, I don't remember. I think it was wine, from when they got married. That's how often they drink. And so my brother and I slowly started to empty out the liquor cabinet, and made a friend in, I think, 4th or 5th grade, who who, funny enough, like to drink.

And, we used to get together and drink Bacardi rum or cough medicine with codeine, and make video tapes of ourselves. And, yeah, we'd be singing all the George Michael tunes. I've hidden those tapes now, but not for our viewing pleasure. But I I never really felt even though that I could connect with her, I just felt like, oh my god, there was somebody else that I could drink with, and and it made the time go by a little bit faster. And, you know, I, I don't ever remember choosing to drink.

I don't ever remember planning to drink. All I remember is I remember one day coming home from school, I was in 7th or 8th grade, and, you know, it's like you watch TV program and you see a kid, they come in the door, they throw their books down, they throw their their coat down, and they go to the kitchen to get themselves a glass of milk and a cookie. And I remember one day, very distinctly, coming in the house and throwing my book bag down, and throwing my coat down, and going straight to the liquor cabinet. And I don't know why. I don't remember whether I had a good day or bad day.

I don't remember what happened. I don't remember how I was feeling because I probably wasn't. I just remember heading straight for the liquor cabinet, and all through all through my drinking, I was responsible for animals. Animals in which I neglected, animals in which I abused, animals in which I took my frustrations out on, and has been my biggest mindset for men's. My grandfather that I actually connected with passed when I was 13, coming came to find out a couple of years ago that he was an alcoholic, and that he actually took his own life because he had injured himself and could no longer drink the way he wanted to.

So he he exited the game voluntarily. And, so we went down to his funeral, and I got drunk the whole weekend. I was 13. And when I got back, I used it and manipulated my way. I remember when they pulled me out of class, my my teacher pulled me out of class and she sat me down and she started to cry.

And I was looking at her like, what what are you doing? And And she told me your grandfather died. And I figured since she was crying, that must be the appropriate response, so I started crying. And I and unfortunately, I can't say that I was terribly upset. I didn't understand upset.

I didn't understand her. I didn't I didn't understand anything, of an emotional nature, of a feelings nature. I knew rage. I knew anger. I knew self pity, and I knew ego.

And I went down to the funeral and I got drunk the whole time. And when I came back from the funeral, I was supposed to be graduating from 8th grade. Actually, I was supposed to be getting left back. And I used it, and I said, I can't I can't take the stress and I need to, you know, and I they moved they pushed me through. When I went to high school, I decided to change everything about myself.

I changed my name. I changed my look. I changed, you know, the kind of clothes that I wore. I went to a different school than everybody else, and I tried to recreate who I was, and I was pretty successful. Up until this time, I was the kid that everybody made fun of in school, like, everybody.

It was just their you know, kids can kids can be relentless, you know. And and I used to feel really sorry for myself even in sobriety because, you know, you know, poor me, nobody likes me, you know, I I have such a hard life and, you know, the truth of the matter is is that children are are extremely keen and have very keen senses, and they sense anger, and they sense rage, and they stay as far away from it as they can. And I can honestly say that that's all I had to offer. That's all I had to offer. If I could bully you into doing what I wanted you to do, or if you had something I wanted, then I would be around you.

Other than that, I just would rather just be by myself, and I think that kids pick up on that. By the time I got to high school, I learned how to mask that with mascara and hairspray. And, and I discovered boys, and that with hairspray and mascara, they're much easier to get what you wanted. So I, unbeknownst to me, got a crush on the biggest drug dealer in the school. And, in my sophomore year, I started dating him.

And I am an alcoholic, Non conference approved substances do play a pretty big part in my story and in my bottom, and I believe that they were fun to use, I got my hands on them at any possible moment I could, and what they did for me was brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous much sooner than I would have gotten here with just alcohol. I, I didn't care at that point. I was an empty shell of a person. I, I didn't care what you did to me or what you said to me or what you did around me. As long as I got drugs and alcohol, that's all that mattered.

That's all I wanted. And so compromising positions really didn't matter to me because I would just blank out as long as I could get drunk. And, bless you. And that's how I spent the rest of my sophomore and junior year in high school. I went on the junior class trip or so my parents thought I went on the junior class trip when I was a sophomore, But what I really did was spend 2 weeks in the woods not sober, not one bit all weekend or all all the the whole time.

It just didn't my life didn't matter. My relationship with my parents was non existent. I didn't even realize that my brothers were really in my life at all, and there's nothing for me. There was absolutely nothing for me. I'd stop showing dogs because, well, you know, you can't walk in the ring drunk.

So I gave up on that, and actually was so connected to my animals that I sent my, my special my special dog. I sent them to Florida. I leased them out to Florida to a girl who wanted to show him in Florida, and I never saw him again. And, it just was I was there's nothing to me. You know, I really believe that if somebody had said, you know, do what I want you to do or I'll kill you.

I don't think I would have cared. I would have just been okay. Just take me out. I didn't wanna be here anymore. I didn't have a faith.

I didn't understand the concept of a God. I was never brought to church. And as far as my experience with human beings, well my parents didn't really want me around and my brothers didn't really want me around and the kids in school didn't really want me around, so nobody here would miss me either and I didn't exactly wanna be around them, so I was ready to go. And, I got thrown in rehab when I was 16 and by time I was 16, I was very good at, putting on the face that you wanted to see and to get what I wanted, and what I wanted was out, and what I wanted was people off my back. And, my controlled drinking began right after I got out of rehab because now I was in aftercare or IOP or whatever it's called.

And I'd been thrown out of 1 high school. I was about to be thrown out of another high school. And that summer came before my senior year, and I decided, oh, I know what I'll do. I'll go to New Mexico with my grandparents, and, and everything will be fine down there because nobody be watching me, and that's exactly what happened. I went down to New Mexico, and and I did a whole bunch of things that I never thought I would do.

And, I hung out with a whole bunch of kinda people that I never thought I'd hang out with. And I, you know, towards the middle of the summer, I really decided that I was gonna stay down there and finish out my high school career and and, you know, and live my life out drinking and and getting high. And no one would really notice because my grandparents are old and not really in touch with what was going on. And so I would walk in the house drunk and they wouldn't notice. And, you know, I would sneak out in the middle of the night and no one would hear, and and I was basically on my own to do what I wanted.

I was there 4 days and and I met a drug dealer. And, so I was, you know, I had a supply of whatever I wanted. And, I drank every day, and I did other things every day. And there's some pretty horrible things that happened. And then towards the end of the summer, we got trapped up on this mountain, and, for absolutely no reason at all, I decided the next that the next day, it was time for me to go home and get sober because this wasn't where I belonged.

Now I planned that night when I left the house was to stay here, finish out my senior year, and live with my grandparents. And for whatever reason, that night, in the middle of the night, we got trapped up there. The the the trolley car that goes up and down the mountain stops at midnight, and, you know, I wore a watch back then. So we got stuck up there, and for whatever reason, God said it was time to go home. And so the next day, I came down off the mountain and I went home.

And I called my mom, and she bought me a plane ticket, and she picked me up at the airport with her boyfriend who is now her husband, who had 6 months over at the time. And, you know, and he was like, you know, it's it's really nice to see you. And he had met me apparently before I had left which I didn't remember. And, you know, if you wanna go to a meeting, I'll take you to a meeting and, you know, he's he's playing this song. This is my sobriety song.

It's called Silent Lucidity, and she's making me listen to it in the car. And I'm like, listen, like, you are just like way too old to be talking to me about anything, and that's all I remember. I went back to, to the meeting where I went, the very first meeting I went to, which is the pyramid club. And, I walked up the stairs and I saw this guy that I knew, and, he was sitting with this woman who looked like she was 12. And I was 17 at the time.

So, I was better than her. And, I looked at him and I'm like, who's the newcomer? And she's she's like, my name is Jeannie. And I'm like, hi, I'm Beth, and how much time do you have? And it's I think she said 4 years.

How much time do you have? And I was like, 3 days. And, couple weeks later, couple days later, who the hell knows, I, I asked you to be my sponsor. And, it was the first time I ever allowed myself to really connect to another human being, ask another human being to do something for me to help me. And she said, yes.

And, that was interesting. I really asked her because she looked like she was easy to manipulate and, I was wrong. She, you know, my I I owe her a huge amends and a living amends to to to be a good sponsor because she was the best sponsor that ever walked the face of the earth. I've never I've yet to meet a woman with more patience and tolerance than this woman had for me in my 1st year sober because I couldn't go more than 2 words without the f word coming out of my mouth, which she told me numerous times offended her. I didn't understand what that meant.

You know, she, she listened to all my stories. I told her things that had never come out of my mouth before. I told her who I wasn't. And when she asked me who I was, I said, I don't know. She brought me to my higher power, which I'm so grateful for.

She introduced me to my God. I didn't really have a conception, so I, so she said, you know, just get on your knees and just talk out loud. And I was like, okay. You know, and I was also under instruction that I was supposed to be reading spiritual experience every night before I went to bed, and I was also to write in a journal every night before I went to bed. And, you know, to this day, I still, I still tell my my new my new sponsors to do that.

So I, I wrote in my journal every night before I went to bed, and I tried to read spiritual experience but could never comprehend the beginning of the sentence. By the time I got to the end of the sentence, I just couldn't do it. I'm I was so much cloudier than I than I even think now. I I don't know. I don't know how I got it.

But, so I would, you know, I would mumble through spiritual experience, and then I would write, like, you know, 5 pages in my journal of all the trauma that was happening that day and and how horrible it was. And and I went to a meeting and and then just every little detail. And then, and then one night, I finally did it. I got on my knees, and I remember it was a Saturday night. And I hit my knees, And I said, I don't really know if you're listening or if you're out there, but, yeah, I could use some help and, you know, if you're not really there, then I guess no one's really listening.

So that's it. And, I was, regraced the next day, you know. You hear I hear people talk about it all the time, and it's just a real wonderful thing. I had a pink cloud. I, I walked out the next day to go to my Sunday morning big book meeting.

And, and I don't I think I saw a butterfly. I think that's really all it took because I was just elated. I was excited. I was, no longer as, you know, I no longer had just the depth and weight of a blank piece paper. It was that somebody had started to write something.

And, I just I didn't know what it was and I I couldn't explain it to anybody, but there was something inside of me where there had been nothing but a black hole. And so, of course, I went to, you know, I went to the club and I was bouncing around and people are like, woah. And, you know, that that grace lasted me a very, very long time before I was able to be in a place where I could do the work as I understand it to be done now. I stayed sober for the 1st 2 years on don't not drinking and going to meetings. And it really I wasn't able to really comprehend relationships.

I, you know, my first my first sponsor threatened me weekly to fire me if if I didn't stop using the f word. I got fired from a job at least once every 3 months. I moved every 4 months. I mean, to this day, I mean, my husband and I bought a house 3 years 3 years ago yesterday. We moved into our home and, that's a record for me even to this day.

You know, I mean, to the point now where I went I went to Sussex County and I said I'm moving back to Sussex County and my husband and I are buying a house. Everybody in the room laughed because they'd been listening to me moving every 4 months for the 1st couple years I was sober, and then at least every year after that. So when I said I was buying a house, they all laughed at me. They thought that was hilarious. And so, where was I?

I lost my train of thought. But, so I moved around every 3 months, and I went to 14 meetings a week. I went to every single dance that was in the, you know, in the in the Tri County area. And, you know, went down to the Shoreline Club and, you know, never made it over the bridge to the city, couldn't handle that. But if there was a dance around, I was hopping in somebody's car, because, you know, I didn't have my license yet.

And, you know, I was going to diners every single night, staying up till 2 o'clock in the morning, drinking coffee, wondering why I couldn't get up the next day for work. It didn't teach you that in AA. And, so here I am, I'm, you know, 18, 19, almost 20. I have absolutely no life skills. I don't understand how people go to work every day.

I don't understand how people pay their car insurance every quarter. I mean, dude, every quarter. When's the quarter? What is a quarter? Like, to this day, I still have a problem with the quarter thing.

It's a fiscal quarter. It's an annual quarter. I don't really know. I have no life skills. I an annual quarter.

I don't really know. I have no life skills. I have no relationship skills. I have no work skills. I have no ethics.

I have no morals. I have nothing. I'm 2 years sober and all I know how to do is not drink, go to meetings, go to the diner, and go to dances. And, it worked, you know. I was I was not happy.

I was not joyous, and I was so far from free. I was I was less free in my 1st 2 years sober than I was when I was drinking because not only was I not drinking and suffering from what comes with not drinking and not working a program, but I was also paranoid, like paranoid to the point where I couldn't go near a bar that I would be struck drunk. You know, I had been in AA. I had gone to other fellowships. I had had sober blackouts and woke up with a beer in my hand, like, that's not normal.

So here I am suffering and I went up to celebrate my 2 years and you know, I I just hit, you know, God graced me once again with more information because I wasn't seeking it out for myself. And basically, I got the great sense that if I didn't do something for my sobriety within the next 6 months, I was going to drink. And of course, that scared the living daylights out of me. And a week later or whatever through circumstances, I wound up, you know, moving into this halfway house, 2 years sober. And, when I moved in, you know, now moving into a halfway house in Bergen County, there's 32 women in this house, close quarters.

I have an 8 by 8 room. I have to eat with people. I have to hang out with people. I have to go to meetings with people. I have to live with people.

And, they're all looking at me like you have 2 years. What are you doing here? Like they're all coming out of jail, rehab, off the street. They've lost custody of their children. Their marriages are over.

Like, they're just getting in the game. And they're looking at me like you've been in the game for 2 years and you haven't left the starting line yet? And I'm like, yeah. So, so I was full of myself, you know, I got what what what I like to call that sober ego, you know, because I have 2 years and that means something. And, you know, a week or 2 into it, I started to hear the whisper around the house with which was, you know, for somebody with 2 years, she really doesn't act like it.

And I got scared, and I got I got willing. I had a I had a great counselor in my halfway house, a woman who actually works the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. She had me do my first 4th step, which is not the columns that I do now, but it got me to a place of of some relief. I did my first 5th step. I learned things like how to make my bed every day, which I hear a lot of people say, that's not how you stay sober, but I still try to make my bed every single day because I'm irresponsible, I'm egotistical, and I think somebody come in and make it for me.

And it was the first real thing and structure that I was successful at. I actually felt successful because I made my bed every day. It needed to be that small, that simple for me to get it, because I was that empty. And, you know, I learned things like it's really funny because, you know, you go on blackout for the 1st 2 weeks you're there, and then, you know, you get 3 strikes and then you go, you know, you're not allowed of any privileges. But if you don't, you just get the 2 weeks and then you can go out and get a job, and you go out and get meetings, and you can get, you know, a sponsor and you do all that stuff.

Well, I was on restriction for the first two months I was in the house because I couldn't figure out how to do all of my chores, which were 3. It was like sweep the kitchen, vacuum the living room, and wipe down the mirror in the upstairs bathroom. I couldn't comprehend how to do that all in one week and be in the house 24 hours a day. I couldn't do it. It took me 2 months to figure that out.

That's that's where I was at. So I did this first 4th step and I did this first 5th step. And I approached some of the issues that are outside the scope of Alcoholics Anonymous. And what I learned was that even though I have issues that are outside the scope of Alcoholics Anonymous, the tools that I have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous are what really saved me from them, of what really saved me from my hell. And, moved out of the halfway house without doing 6 and 7 or 8 and 9 or 10, 11, and 12.

And, I felt better. I felt better for a year. I was flying high for a year again. And like anybody who knows me, like, flying high for me is not necessarily a good thing. You know, I have a tremendous amount of energy.

I'm very passionate about everything I do. Flying high is an extreme. That's not where I belong, but it felt good. And so I, you know, I went along this year, and then I ran out of steam. And I was in a very, very sick relationship.

It was almost like, you know what? Let's see how bad it can get before it gets better. He told me, I don't like your sponsor, so I fired her. And then he told me, I don't like you going to that Wednesday night Sunrise House meeting, so I stopped. And he was, I don't really like the Sparta meeting, so I stopped.

And then, you know, the control started and I allowed it, and then the physical stuff started and I continued to stay. And, you know, I come from a background where I'm comfortable with this kind of behavior. I understand this kind of behavior. I'm not working a program. I'm not I'm not changing.

I'm not allowing God to get involved to the point where I can become that person I wanna be. So I'm just allowing this stuff to go I'm I'm allowing myself to go back into a situation which is comfortable, which is harming me, which is bad for me. You know. And when I walked out, I tried to play the victim and even I was like, yeah, I so I so chose to be there. I so chose to stay there.

And I got to a point where God got me out, moved me to Morris County. I met this girl. She had 30 days sober. I had 5 years sober. She worked a better program than I did.

She went to more meetings than I did. She knew more about the program than I did. She dragged me back to meetings. She dragged me back to another fellowship, and then I dragged her back to this one. And we started going to meetings, and we met a bunch of people, and we started doing all the same things that I started doing when I got sober, which was going to dances and going to meetings and going to diners.

And, then my stepbrother, who is also now sober, and my stepfather is sober, and my mother goes to Al Anon, and we're one big happy family, you know. He goes out west somewhere for a convention. You know, he liked you know, they used to call him the coffee dude because, I mean, you think I drink a lot of coffee, he would just be hopped up on caffeine, like, the whole weekend. He came back like on fire and wasn't drinking coffee, and he was still on fire. And he's like, dude, you're talking about this book, the big book.

You know, we all had one. You know, it's cool to have a big book. I got into my car in case I get pulled over by a cop, I can prove I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and so, you know, he brought us, you know, we found I don't I don't even remember how we found Bernersville, but we all went down to Bernersville. We're all sitting there listening to Chris and and Chris is talking about stuff that I've never heard before, and then they're looking at me, and I'm looking at them going, I don't really know what's going on.

And, you know, Chris came up to me one night after the meeting and he goes, here's some tapes. And I'm like, oh my god. I mean, what I'm talking tapes like, you know, like a 150 tapes. And he gives me all these tapes, and he's like, here's Joe and Charlie. Listen to these.

So, so I brought them home and Jane, Dan listened to them. And, you know, God God was all over this time, like, so all over this time because this is not something that my ego was allowed was about to let happen. I got the sponsor who is still my sponsor. And in my right mind, knowing who she is would never, if I was sick, never allow her to sponsor me. She, you know, she wants you to get well.

She wants you to do the right thing no matter what the cost. She wanted me to write an inventory and tell her things like, where was I frightened? You know, where was I to blame? How do I set these matters straight? I was like, oh my god.

So so when I asked her to sponsor me, I said, hey, sponsor me. And, and she's like, yes. And I said, okay. But I need to let you know I I don't sponsor people because they drink on me. And, she said, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess she really wasn't listening to me. And she agreed to take me through the work. And I went to her house and we sat on our couch, and there was a group of us, you know, we did a lot of the book stuff in a group, and we did a lot of the step stuff 1 on 1.

And I got on my knees with her, and I did the 3rd step prayer, and then I sat down and she's, okay. Couple of rules. And she said, no more lying, and your life is none of your business. And I wasn't real happy about that, but I'm very fortunate that my higher power put a whole lot of situations in my life within that, like, 3, 4 weeks span right after we did that 3rd step where I had the opportunity to lie and I didn't and good things happened. And, and I had the experience of of starting to be who I was no matter what was going on around me.

And what happened from there is I started to connect with other human beings. And I thought I connected with other human beings before, but now I started to connect with human beings in a way that I was kind of leery of. I mean, it felt good, but it was kind of strange and it was a new place for me. And, you know, I said, oh, okay. Well, I'm just gonna keep going, do what tells me to do because this is not so bad.

And, I remember when I did my 4 step with her, I remember going to her house, like, freaking out. You know, I'm 6, 7 years sober. I'm 7 years sober. And, you know, Cass, I just, you know, I'm I'm I'm really not that bad of a person. And I've worked really really hard in the time that I've been sober to become the person that I am.

And I don't wanna lose certain things about myself. And she said, well, what what don't you wanna lose? And, you know, because she kept telling me, you're gonna change, it's gonna be great, you're gonna be called totally different person, and I'm like, well, I really like my sense of humor and and and I like this and I like that. And she told me, she says, well, you know, do you wanna be free? And I said, yeah, I wanna be free, but I really don't wanna let go of this stuff.

And she says, why don't you let your higher power take care of it, and maybe he'll just take the sick parts of your sense of humor out and leave the rest. And I'm like, what? But, so I went through the work. I went through all the work. I went through all the chapters.

I took all the notes, and then, and then I closed the book and, you know, I started doing things like calling my my father and asking if there's anything I could do for a friend instead of seeing what I could get from a friend. And, I started to experience relationships on a new level. And then I got comfortable, and it was great, and it was like fall. It was, you know, it was wonderful. It was autumn.

You know, it's my favorite time of year, and everything is wonderful. And then all of a sudden things started to get cold and things started to change. And I went to my sponsor and I said, I'm not comfortable anymore and I don't like what's going on. And I'm seeing things about myself that I don't like and I'm seeing things about others I don't like, and of course, I saw that first, and then, you know, and, and then, you know, and I'm really uncomfortable, and I really don't like this, and I keep asking God to make it okay. And level?

How many levels are there to this 12 step thing? And she said, as many as you want. She says, with every level of work that we go through, we get another level of freedom. And I didn't believe her because, you know, she had lied all to me so many times, but, I, I was uncomfortable, and I was scared, and I and I, you know, I picked up the book again, and and I started taking situations in my life. And what she started to do to me is I would call her with a situation, and she would she would come right back at me with something we had done in the work.

And she said, this is your opportunity to practice all the principles in your affairs. This is God's way of giving you the opportunity to become that woman you always wanted to be. And for us, when when we did our 4th step, we did something called the ideal woman. A lot of people know about the sex ideal. Sex ideal is something that I wrote so that I knew what to bring to a relationship.

Well, I were I wrote about the ideal woman so that I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, that I had this ideal that I was growing towards, that I knew where I was headed, that I wanted to be this person. And and every situation that would come up where I was to start to practice all of these things that I had written about and taken notes about and highlighted and underlined and talked about in meetings, you know, every time a situation would come up, I was I was able to apply this where I used to just let chaos take over, and I started to become this person I always wanted to be. And, you know, that's when I started to look in the mirror and say, you're not such a bad person. And, and then I started sponsoring people, and I started taking them through the work. And, and I think I'm I'm a true believer and and always have been that the relationship that I have with my sponsor is is where I I learn and I practice how I wanna act in all of my relationships.

And so what she taught me to do with her was to be honest. And what she taught me to do with her was to be was to be, present and available in this relationship with her. And I learned to have conflict with her, And I learned how to argue with her. And boy, can we argue. And, and I learned to be vulnerable in front of her, which is very difficult for me.

Letting my guard down to a point where, okay, you know, I'm in total faith in this situation and I am totally open to let and experience whatever God has us to experience is very difficult for me. And I don't do that in many relationships. I do that with my sponsor. I do that with my husband. I do that with 3 or 4 of my friends, and I do it with my sponsors.

And that's it. Because I'm still growing. I'm still learning. You know? And and the amount of availability that I have to everybody else in the world grows very slowly, but it's growing.

And, you know, I've had experiences like, you know, now where that experience that I have with my sponsor is how I grow with others. You know, now it's what I have with my sponsors and my husband and my friends. Now I take that experience and that grows with others outside of the circle. And, and I'm starting to become more available to the people around me, and I'm starting to take risks. And this that to me is emotional sobriety.

You know, going to the next level and having faith in my experience that God is in married, whether I work or don't work, whether I have children or I don't have children. God wants one thing for me, and that's to be happy. To be happy, joyous, and free. And if I wanna align my will with God's will, then all I have to do is what makes me happy. And so I started to do that.

My sponsor calls it create the reality you crave. In the book, it's called create the fellowship you crave. Well, I've decided to take what I've learned in Alcoholics Anonymous and bring it to the rest of my life. And, you know, this week was a new week for me. I I, I actually, you know, I think about my dad a lot.

I've I've a long history with my dad. My dad, you know, cops at the house, arrested for child abuse, mental health, a whole bit. And now, he's like, you know, really like my second favorite person in the world. He's an amazing human being, and he has limitations just like me. And this week, I I think about him all the time.

And this week, I was thinking about him and and and and I tend to be very emotional, but don't tell anybody. And, you know, sometimes my eyes will my eyes will up with tears just, you know, thinking about him. And so what I decided to do is actually call him and tell him that. Huge risk. Huge risk for me.

So, I called him and I got his machine. So, I was very excited. And, and I left him a message. Hey, you know, it's Beth. I was just thinking about you, you know, give me a call.

Let's chat. And, and he actually called me back. Like, wow. You know, my dad has, has changed so much through this process. I don't really get it.

And I'd love to say that it's my perception of him, but I'm not that big and I'm not that powerful. That man has changed. Why? Because I treat him differently. Like, I didn't realize it.

I didn't realize that it's not just about me letting my guard down and allowing you in. It's about me letting my guard in, and you allowing me in, and you having the experience of me not hurting you. Because I tend to forget that I'm the drunk in this situation. I tend to forget that I'm the sick one. I'm the one that brought the damage.

I'm the one that harmed people. You know? It talks about it in the book. You know? Sometimes we got hurt, and, you know, when we really took a step back, we realized that I kinda placed myself there, and then I kinda did that myself.

And, you know, the rest of the people in my my world didn't do that. So I just, I I experience these things now. You know, I had a conversation with a this week where, you know, I called her up and I said, you know what? I really don't think that I'm an effective sponsor for you. I don't think that, that I have what you're looking for.

And she said to me, she says, you know, I was going to call you this week and kind of let you know that I'm looking for a new sponsor. And I said, that's great. What can we do to help you find the right one for you? You know, it's like, I'm I'm done with with everything except the experience. I'm done with it all.

You know? I'm I'm not good at at all the other stuff. I'm I'm getting much better at just having the experience. And, you know, I said, well, you know, what do you think of this person? What do you think of that person?

And, you know, we're gonna meet up this week, and we're gonna start to talk about different people that can help her to the place where she's at because I don't have what she's looking for. I'm you know, I I after after his, you know, I think 7, 6 years that I've been sponsored by the same human being, we've gone through hard times, we've gone through good times, but she still has what I want. I still seek and I still crave something that she has. It's an unnamable thing for me. It's not like I want her success or I want her profession or I want her marriage.

It's something unspeakable. I think it's her faith. I think I'm seeking her faith. I think I'm seeking the experience that she has with her God. I think that's what I'm looking for.

I think now that I say it out loud, I'm pretty sure that that's one of the huge things that I seek from her that she has that I want. And, and and I don't I don't have that with this woman. And I said to her, I said, you know, she said, you know, will we still be friends? I said, absolutely. I said, you're an awesome human being.