The CPH12v3 conference in Copenhagen, Denmark

My name's Alicia. I'm a recovered alcoholic. This is a bit overwhelming. I'm nauseous. My head hurts.

My hands are shaking. So we'll see what comes out. I wanna thank, I heard those who put this together. I think it's been, we were just saying, email it asked if he knew any, women, in the email it asked if he knew any, women speakers who might also happen to be an alnomb. And Chris forwarded me that email, and just kinda said, what do you think?

With a question mark, and I sent back, nope. Don't know any. I I could do these little gigs in Texas, but this was this was a bit much, but, what an honor to be here. I'm begging jeez. What an amazing adventure this has been already.

You people are nothing like those in the United States and that's a compliment. Bye bye. Me. From the gentleman who met us at the airport, to the ladies who talked with Al Anon with me, the children give me drawings. I mean, it's been an amazing experience and I'm so glad to be here.

I also fit in a couple of other 12 step rooms. As some of you know, I did the Al Anon Talks earlier today. I have alcoholism in my family and also a husband. I also qualify for a few other 12 step programs, but we won't tell you which ones we are. We'll be right What I'm here to do today is basically just let you know, how I got to this point in my life.

And I'm definitely different than than Chris or Myers, which I wanted to point this out. Myers liked to me when he said that Chris was the evil twin. They are both evil. That is obviously just a joke. I am I'm I'm awestruck to get to, show the W.

Wilkins, gentlemen. So much respect and, to help so many people. I'm monitoring your sister on this deal. For me, the the journey of alcoholism began at a young age of 14. And to picture a picture of our, my home life at that time, it was perfect.

You know, my, family put me through private school for 10 years. I had a wonderfully loving mother who had 5 children. I had a, pastor as a father, a missionary. So was, it was a lovely home There was no reason that I should be feeling as miserable inside as I was at 14 years old And when I found alcohol, I found something to treat that. I absolutely understand now that that was the spiritual maladies and the darkness that was inside.

You added alcohol to me. I was no longer full of fear. I was hilarious and everyone loved me. I was much better looking, I thought, when I was young. You know, all these things, I could dance better, you know?

All these things. And I remember thinking consciously, I'm going to be doing this for a long time. Because I found something to fill the void. And, my alcoholism progressed fairly quickly. And in 17, I had transferred to a public high school.

Quickly, gravitated to the high school. Quickly, gravitated to the alcoholic, druggy crowd. You know? Didn't want to hang with the nice girls. Wanted to hang with this group.

And, at the end of my junior year in high school, I was, the boyfriend that I'd been dating for 6 months broke up with me. And I was devastated. That was high school love, you know? It was gonna last forever. How many spirals has I've written his name on, you know.

We were, I thought we were gonna make it. And he broke up with me and I was devastated. So the rejection, the fear, the, all the feelings that we have I set out that night to, to block them out To not feel them And I did a very good job of doing that And at the end of the night, I, I get a telephone pole, driving in a blackout, going about 45 miles an hour. And when I woke up in the hospital, I had my jaws wired shut, my arms tied down, both legs in a cast, staples down my stomach, and a trach coming out of my neck. And I had no idea what happened.

I remember getting dressed to go out, and and I remember waking up in the hospital, and that was it. Apparently, what I'm told happened was that I came home yelling and screaming and got in my vehicle and hit a telephone pole not even, 2 miles down the street. And my mother heard the ambulance. She knew it was me. And it was a pretty life changing event.

When I came to and I saw myself for the first time, you see, bit the steering wheel with my mouth and had no seatbelt on. So I broke the palate of my mouth, lost many teeth. Okay, I'm gonna joke. I can't pop my teeth out. I'm gonna be on the back burner.

I actually spoke in a state in Texas, that apparently they don't have a lot of teeth. So when I popped it out, they did not laugh. And I was like, wish I hadn't done that. Okay. So thank you for laughing.

I can pass them around later. Okay. So where was I? So it was a bad day for Alicia and her family. See I was so ugly inside at that time in my life that I had used my outside, to get me through life And and, I had bit off my bottom lip, my cheek was ripped up to here, my nose, bone, and the cockleaches all broken.

Metal clamp inserted in my TMJ foam and my face was just huge. And instead of saying, thank you God for saving my life, I turned from my wicked ways. I said, screw you. Where were you? How could you let this happen to me?

And see, the God of our household that I was raised with, was not a very warm and fuzzy kind of God. And and so when I heard the word God, it brought fear. It didn't it didn't bring love in the things I know today. So I was angry at God, and I spent the next 9 years of my life turning my back on Him and running the opposite direction And, throughout those 9 years, there's just been so much darkness. You know, those of us that battle with this disease know that there's a lot that comes with it.

And, after high school, ended up going to college to a party school. They drank like I did, so I like this school. Friends and we would have plans to go out that night and they're downstairs eating dinner before we go out. Yeah. Exactly.

Why would you eat before you went out? I'm upstairs shoving beers and taking shots just to get right to walk out the door. Because that's what I have to do to be okay with me. So they could do what the book says, take drinks with impunity. Take a few, you know, feel a little woozy and put it down along the way.

And yet that didn't happen with me. I knew nothing about this disease, about the phenomenon of craving, the control piece. I knew nothing about it. And even at that time in my life, I thought I was normal. Let me back up a little bit.

When I got out of the hospital after being there 3 months, my friends threw me a party for getting out of the hospital from a drunk driving car accident. You might have friends like that. And then, sandedly, at this point in my life, the book says, Given sufficient reason, can you stop drinking? Well, my sufficient reason was I almost died. And 3 months out of the hospital, face still mangled.

I'm drinking and I'm doing party tricks. I'm squirting I'm attaching magnets to my face where the metal clamp is. Some of you are very positive. The hole in my neck isn't even closed and I'm drinking. And for me, looking back, that was a sufficient reason and I could not quit.

So at 17, I passed into the region that there's no return to human aid. They, can't control it, can't choose to stop. At 4 at 17, I'm screwed, but I keep on going. Dropped out of college, There's too much school, too many classes you had to go to, not enough beer to drink, so dropped out. And ended a new phase of my life where where, drugs pretty much took took all of me.

And, I meet up with my, he's now my ex husband and I said this earlier in Al Anon and they didn't really laugh, but Texas, they find it funny, so you and me. I call him Satan. Okay. I didn't mind. Yeah.

Anyway, he was a very dark soul, let's put it that way. And, the book talks about making a decision based on stuff that places us in a position to be heard. So at this time in my life, I signed up for this relationship with this man. And he had just gotten out of prison 5 years straight during the alcohol charges. He had no job, no car, no money, and and I bet some of the women in the room would have fought me for him because he was the biggest I don't want to say he was sure that's all I'm telling you.

He's an alcoholic and an addict, but he had nothing. And so I signed up for this relationship thinking that I would change him, you know. I'll stop drinking so much because I'm with him and all these crazy decisions that 5 years later, I had a knife to my wrist because I could not get away from the monster I was now married to. I couldn't quit drinking. I couldn't quit doing drugs.

I couldn't even walk out my front door. And the only answer I knew, was to die. I knew nothing about the 12 step programs. I knew nothing of the hope that this deal offers. I've been tried the God stuff through the church scene and wanted nothing to do with it.

Religion had been forced on me so much in my life that every time the word of God was said I would think about the churches I grew up in, the things that were that happened in those churches. And I I didn't want that God life. So for me, the only thing that I knew was to die. And, by the grace of God, it didn't happen. And, I ended up in treatment, January of I ended up in treatment, January of 1999 and in retrospect I can see that I had no desire to get sober.

I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to get away from this man. I wanted to hide out and start over. And I end up moving and living in this town where the where the treatment center is, and I get out of treatment and, no meetings. Well, that's not true.

I went to the men's halfway house meetings, because they had men. And as most of you probably know, there are many things we can use to treat this void and and for me, men has always been one of them. Anyway, those were the meetings I would go to, but I thing I knew to make it stop was to drink. And I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying, Okay girl, you can drink. Just don't do drugs.

Drugs just the problem. Oh, man. That one doesn't work. Any of you come to work and try it? It doesn't work.

But the baffling feature is that, I have scars on my face from what alcohol did at 17 and that doesn't even cross my mind. This is the the cunning, baffling, and powerful. So I drank that night, did drugs that night, baffling, and powerful. So I drank that night, did drugs that night, and within 9 months, I am, at a whole new level of insanity. Satan went back to prison.

So I divorced him while he was staying there. And, met my now husband. He was living at the Meds Halfway House. So, it paid off to go to those meetings because we got to meet there. He was in relapse.

I was in relapse. He's an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. So it was another wonderful beginning to a healthy marriage. So, the book talks about leading the double life and being an actor and that's exactly what I was doing.

I was working at the treatment center. They hired me to be a can put the front on very well that I'm doing okay. And so they hired me. Oops. I, for 4 or 5 months, no, it actually was about 9 months, the fear of people knowing who I really was, the panic of keeping all the lies going and making sure I was not caught.

It was a horrible time in my life and thank God that at the end of a very long 3 day binge, the pain was so great. And, you know, when when I went to treatment, I had lost everything. I had a trash bag full of clothes to my name. That was it. We gave everything away for alcohol and that lifestyle.

And so you would think at 25 when I lost all that, that I would get sober. But absolutely not, my ego was still there. I lost everything materially, but up here I still thought I had it all together. So I played the treatment game, then discharged, and within 9 months had reassembled everything. We do that very well.

I got the house now, or the apartment, the car, the money, the boyfriend, all the material things came back. And yet this time, I was more dark inside than ever. And I remember crying out, just looking up at the ceiling going, Alright, fine. God, if you are even still there, I need your help. I knew I didn't want to feel this way any longer.

I knew that that it was just getting worse. That this was a progressive deal, and it gets worse and ever better. And that my life definitely showed that. So somehow, I joked that God was in the room when I said that, and that He's followed me everywhere through my life. He's never let me go.

It's always me that's left. And I joked that he was right there in the room when he said, on walkie talkie, she said it, git her, git her, git her. You know? It's like, the the power came down and pulled me out of that darkness somehow. Because I had made those sort of resolutions many times.

This has gotta stop. And and and then I'd be drunk the next day. And so this time, I don't know what was different. I don't know why it was different. All I know is the next day I was able to hang on and not drink and walk into my first 12 step meeting to, alcohols and others.

And, in this room were women that their eyes were shining. They were telling stories about how their life had been been changed around. They were on fire with whatever it was they had. And I was very clear, I didn't want my life anymore. So what they had had to be better.

And just that first meeting, because they were talking of solution, because they weren't sitting in there trying to, you know, one up each other on who had gotten the lowest. And it was none of that stuff. It was about the power of God. And even though the word God made me feel a little strange, I was willing to do whatever it took. And the book talks about being beat into a state of breathfulness.

It says this can be a tedious process, and I know for me it was. I would hit a brick wall and then go, Okay, okay, okay. Now I'm ready to get sober. Then I drink and hit another brick wall. Okay, okay.

Now I'm ready. And for some reason this time, I was beaten into that state of mind. And I thought it would have happened when I was 25, when I lost it all. But see, reasonableness takes place up here. This is where it happens, and what it looks like is, what do I have to do?

I will do anything to not be this woman anymore. I was sharing in an Al Anon meeting earlier that, some of these character defects we have, they are almost like survival skills. Survival techniques that we use to cope and go through life. And for me, dishonesty was one of them. And, I couldn't tell the truth to save my life.

My name means Truthful One, so my parents screwed me from day 1 with high expectations there at night clubs and when people asked me my to nightclubs and when people ask me my name I'd say, Kelly? And the reason I'm doing that is, when the next day people are talking about the psycho slut Kelly who did all this crazy stuff, I'll be like, Oh, I know, isn't she sick? That was really mean, but I was so terrified that I would lie at any cost and scared that if you really found out who I was, you wouldn't like me very much. But, the women in this meeting had something I did not have. I would rather die than be Kelly anymore.

So I was willing to do what they said. And that night, this woman came up to me and she said, Here, you need a sponsor. And gave me her card, and I think that God knew that I was, very hard headed and I probably would take a long time in getting a sponsor, so he sent one to me. And that began my journey. And that was, January 11, 1999.

I know that some of you have a lot more time than that, but for any of us, there's people in here with 20 days, 30 days. That's a long time. No. It doesn't matter how many years. So as this journey began, and, I I knew that I could do whatever they asked me to do, and I began being willing to throw aside my old conceptions of God.

I say this because there's a lady that was here twice today and heard me speak and every time I said the word God, she came up and told me that she didn't like it. Okay. I don't know. I understand the feeling because, in one of the churches that we went no, I won't go there. Never mind.

Anyway, there was a lot of bad stuff that happened to me along the way in in the name of God. You know, when when I was 14, this is a sad story. I was 14 and my dad took away my oh, y'all may not know them. Cindy Lauper and Go Go's. Okay.

I was 14. Anyway, he took them away in Berlin because they were satanic. So I'm a little scared and God hates the Go Go's. Who got the heat? You know, that's all that's all they're doing.

And I'm already drinking. I'm at this I can't make it. I'm screwed. So what I had to do when it talks about pain to believe, you know, I had to throw out all the old concepts. I was terrified of him.

It was punishing, it was, keeping score. I felt like I always had to be perfect. And if I didn't, he didn't want anything to do with me. And so when I got in the rooms and saw the word God in the steps, I did the same thing. So I can understand the people that that just that word might make you shut down a little bit.

So for me, that one had to go out the window. And I had to come up with with a whole new conception, and a whole new God because my life depended on it. We agnostics talks about that, to be doomed to an alcoholic death, or to live on a spiritual basis, are not always easy tolerable situation as best we know how, the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we know how or accept spiritual help. Another place it says pretty much do this or else. So, that's how I came to believe.

The pain was so great over here and I didn't want it it anymore that I came to believe there was a God out there who could love me and restore me to the sanding. 3rd step is decision. Inventory is done. Go out and make amends. Prayer and meditation, and and then the big one.

Having had the spiritual awakening, now it's my turn to give it away. And this is where I finally began to understand why all these things had happened to me in my past. Why I had been through all the pain and all the darkness. It was because there was gonna be a girl that would walk in the meeting and get a desire chip, and and she couldn't even look me in the eyes because she was so full full of shame and guilt. And I remember that.

I used to be there. And a woman came up to me and showed me love. So we turned, I give it away now. And the, I think I have 2 months sober, and God put the first foxy in front of me. And she drank.

So I thought I killed her. It was a little scary. You know, I I understand, though, why they say, I mean, we stay sober. You know, if they relapse, that's their story. But it did, it pulled me through the tough times, especially in early sobriety.

Alcoholic number 2. I don't know why I couldn't have ever been a nice Christian guy. We had to go with I got married when I had about a year and a half sober. And, he struggled with this disease, he struggled staying sober, and he's a wonderful starter. Starts the program, gets the sponsor, gets the sponsor, gets the step, and falls, and then starts again.

But when I had 2 months sober, I I had these big dreams that he and I were gonna sponsor couples. We will be the dean. You know, the Alcohol Economist Couple Foundation or something. I had I had big dreams. Big dreams.

I would go out and save the women and he would go save the men. You know? And he ruined that whole thing. See, it wasn't the dream. It's a good story, our house that were missing, so it was a clear sign to me that he was not doing well.

Yeah. Whenever large appliances are missing, you know, they depawn us. So, do y'all pawn things here? Oh, no one's answering. Uh-uh.

Okay. Anyway, this whole deal, and I've still been using him, using my husband Shane to fill the void. So when he was out of the picture, I was I was devastated. Knew what I do. I don't feel pain.

I do not like discomfort. I like to anesthetize it. And it was a terrifying spot in early recovery, but because I'd had done as much work as I had, and began to start working with others, I fell on the ground. All I could say was help. I crawled into bed, cried myself to sleep, and woke up the next day sober.

I was like, Oh my gosh. It worked. You know? Cause that was the first one, the first trial, the first tough spot I had walked through with my sobriety. And and God was already there.

And that was just the beginning of many. There's been so many times that, it would be a lot easier just to turn back and run. The book kind of calls it the easier, softer way. There have been many times when that might have, been better, you know, so I wouldn't have to feel the pain, but I know I would not be where I am today. Obviously, then I've gone backwards.

And so the book promises that in trials and low spots, if you just keep pressing on and work with others, you're gonna be okay. And and that's been my truth. On page 45 in our text, the the paragraph lack of power, that was our dilemma. When they first read that to me, I didn't understand what it meant because I had so much power in so many different areas of my life that I didn't understand how this could be true. But this was the one thing that had me leave.

This was the one area that no matter how great the necessity or wish, I was still gonna drink. I mean, there were days looking in the mirror crying, just going, Girl, this has gotta stop. I'm not even promising family members anymore, I'm promising me. And then by 5 o'clock on the drive home, I'm started again. So I understood that I obviously didn't have the power to do this, and I needed the power.

And the book says that's the reason whole death. And I had I had believed in God for so long. I had so much information and knowledge, from the churches and the schools that we went to, but that obviously hadn't kept me sober. I I thought the fact that I wore uniforms for 10 years would count for something. But the private school education, it didn't matter.

There was a lady that helped me understand this a little bit, deeper. There's a there's a channel that's there, and on one side of the channel is is God or the power, and on the other side is us. And over here with us is the alcohol and the drugs, all the things we're dying to put down. And I have a strong belief in God. A lot of people believe that God's out there, but a leaf belief is not enough to get us sober.

I need to get access to the power. So everything I'm doing is to clean out the middle of that channel, all the the shame, guilt, depression, lies, fear. Playing that out so I can finally have access. I used to think that I had access. I would I would go to church, towards the end of my disease, go to church because I felt kinda obligated.

My dad was a pastor there. And I would come in after being up the whole weekend reeking of alcohol, but I had to show up and try to act like I had it together. And I remember just crying, because I had so much shame and guilt, and I had such a strong desire to be a better woman, and I couldn't do it. And in the United States, I'm from a non non national background, hallelujah, you know, in advance and jumping around, that's the kind of church we were raised in. So I would go to the altar, you know, to try to rededicate my life and and change my ways, and and they would pray for me and do all this stuff, and and I would walk out feeling refreshed.

I could have made a new start. I was ready. So I got a 12 pack of beer on the way home to celebrate my decision. And this this went on many times in my life. I wanted so bad to stop this that I had no idea how to make it happen.

So when they helped me understand that I didn't have the power on my own to do that, I was willing to clean that channel out, get connected, to where the obsession would be lifted. And as long as that channel stays clear, I will never dream and dream again. Now the problem with that channel is you can get it it clear, the obsession can be removed, and yet you can stop doing the things that got you in that position. At at 2 years waddle anymore. So, I couldn't go into meetings.

I couldn't even waddle anymore. So, I quit going to meetings. Their chairs were too small for my larger, and I didn't want to go anymore. So, I quit going to meetings. I fired all the women I was sponsoring because I just wanted to focus on this child.

This is my heart's desire to be a mother, so I'm focused on this. So now I'm not helping others. My husband is not staying sober, so I'm full of resentment and anger and fear. The big one now, people would call to check on me, and I miss Kerrville AA, you know, my ego. I I gotta have it all together.

So when I said that, it sounds pretty stupid. Kerrville's like this big. I don't know why I thought that was a cool thing. Anyway, so people are calling to check on me and Alicia, are you ready for the baby? Is everything okay?

Bless God. Everything's great. Thanks for asking. Can't wait for the baby. Oh, yeah.

We're good. Plenty of money. Yeah. Those are lies. Absolute lies.

My ego driven lies. I want you to think I'm okay, and so I will put that front of us. You don't really know who's back here. These these fear masks that we wear so well, you know? Throughout my whole high school, I would change the mask with whatever group I was I was with.

When I got to college, I joined we have sororities in the United States. I don't know if you have them, but basically a bunch of girls that party a lot. And there's some other things they do, but that's all I need. Anyway, I, I I jumped in with that group and, see this is where I don't know if things are funny in the country, but, Shiorari over there, the girls are very like this. Oh my God.

Thanks so much. Yeah. And very fake. And so I jumped right in because I had they drank. I was terrified to be alone.

So here I wore that mask. And then I did one more switch. You know, I'm a big, you know, drug addict now, and and I can't go to the the the drug dealer's house wearing my sorority mask. Oh my god. Can I actually go pain?

I have to leave that mask alone and pick up the, yo, what's up? Give me some. You know? I gotta I gotta put the thug mask place to be. And yet it was all I knew.

So as these began to fall, the masks began to fall, I get closer and closer to this power. I find out who I really am. And, come to find out I'm just a big dork. I mean, really? Dork?

What does that translate to? Idiot? Idiot? Idiot? Okay.

Anyway, I'm not very complex. There's nothing to really hide and I'm okay with me today, you know? I don't live in constant fear of what you're gonna think about me. I still battle it, I guess, as we all do sometimes. But it sounds paralyzing as it used to be.

As this journey has has gone on, there's been so many women that have come in and out of my life, seeking a solution. And I've never had anything to offer anyone before. The only thing they might have wanted from me was alcohol or or my man or something, you know. And today, these these women were coming into my life because they were dying from this disease and they needed help. Oh, Spider Man.

Sorry, there's Spider Man down here. I'm not. Never mind. Okay. I'll go on.

The the disease cycle that the book talks about in the doctor's opinion, you know, it it talks about how everything that starts this deal off is inside. The irritable, restless, discontented nature, full of fear, gripped with misery and depression. And and that's how it all begins. And I knew that feeling well. You know, waking up in the morning after a long night of drinking and then kind of coming to rather and looking around.

Oh, oh, oh, this is not good. You know, you're seeing face thrown everywhere. Someone's downstairs slamming cabinets and it's, uh-oh. But waking up with, the hideous 4 horsemen. The book calls them terror, frustration, bewilderment, and despair.

And I knew those on a daily basis from eyes opening as reality was set again, that the darkness that was inside, was almost too much. And so, then the mental piece, the lying piece of this comes in. This is the obsession. This is the thing that I can't shut up on my own. From from 14 to 26, I either had alcohol and drugs in my body or I thought about getting alcohol and drugs in my body and these voices would not be quiet.

And so the only thing I knew at the time to treat this darkness was the alcohol. So even though I had just promised my boss that this would not happen again or even though I had promised my family that I will be back, I'll make it to the birthday. I made all these promises, when it came down to the accession, this is what won. It was almost as if a robot to this disease, like must have beer, you know. Just just following what this is saying.

And it was so frustrating because there were so many times I did not want to get drunk. So many times that this was not fun anymore. Strong desire to be daddy for the girl and absolutely no power to do it. I understand now that this is the no choice police. You know, we we don't have the power of choice.

We lost that a long time ago. The only choice I do have is to seek the power or not. And if I choose or not, then all bets are off and here I go again. So, from the mind, it it comes to the body, to the 3rd piece of this deal. My mind says, Let's have a drink.

And I say, Okay. So I take the first one, and now I'm really screwed. Because I'm wired different than normal people. I have a craving that kicks off that does not happen in the normal drinker. I can't control it once I start.

And see my disease didn't say let's drink for 3 days, get in a blackout, hurt a lot of people and spend all your money. Okay? My disease did not say that. They said let's have a couple of beers and go dancing. What's it gonna hurt?

Come on. You can do this. So I would do it and and and pass through the states that a spree. Whee! I get in drunk driving car accidents in my streets.

I had this one lady at the hospital to work at say that she gets, I don't know how to translate this, but I'll try. We have fast food restaurants in the United States, you just drive through. And she said that she restaurants in the United States. You just drive through. And she said that she got a DWI in the Taco Bell line that she was ordering and she passed out.

And they had to call the cops to come get her removed so she got a DUI just driving while intoxicated. Technically, she wasn't driving though. You know? She She was ordering, so I can technically do that. But what happens though is when we go through these screens, we come out on the end and the book says we emerge from morse full.

Absolutely. As I was saying, the the opening the eyes and seeing what's going on, reality sinking in, and it's terrifying. And I make the resolution not to do it again. Never. I promise this is it.

Have you made those promises before? Yes. Very often. And a couple of hours sometimes I could do really well, you know, but pretty soon I forget that I just promised promised someone. So what happens now is I'm full of guilt, and shame, and fear because of all the things that I did in this spree.

And what do you know? I'm right back in spirituality. The dark cold inside me is bigger. And I might be able to hang on for a day or 2, but eventually what's gonna happen is I can't stay untreated like this. It's either gonna be alcohol, drugs, men, shopping, sex, food, okay.

There's a lot things that can treat you, but it's either gonna be one of those, or it's gonna be a power greater than me. That's it. Cause I can't stay untreated very long. I I don't like the way it feels to not I don't like the way it feels to feel. Let's put it that way.

So this cycle that we get stuck in, it goes on and on. And the book says, unless we can experience an entire cycle change, there's very little hope for my recovery. So that meant that I had to get a connection with this power sufficient enough to overcome alcoholism and addiction. And the journey that I was on, 1 through 12, is what they promised me literally. In the back of our books on page 567, it appendices 2, it describes this spiritual experience.

And what it calls it that I love so much, it calls it a profound alteration in your reaction to life. So what that meant is, for me, being selfish and self centered and manipulating and controlling, I would do this work and change to an unselfish, giving, caring person. The absolute liar that I was becomes willing to be honest at any cost. That was a huge one for me. As I've shared, it's been a long time, this lying of mine and down.

This is such a serious piece for me that I have to be honest about even the little things. So let's say I lie to you about something, but I'm sober, I'm doing well. I lie to you about something, and I have to come up to you then and say, Don't know why I said that. I've never been to Cancun. You know?

Stupid little lies like that, then you would think it'd be no big deal. But what will happen now is she will ask me, Oh, you've been to Cancun. Where did you stay? There's a lot of water and some beds and this hotel. I can't remember the name.

How much did you pay? And I have one lie, one ego driven lie now has 4 or 5 to back it up. And what do you know, if I'm not careful, Kelly will come back. And we don't want that. Texas is much happier and Alicia is standing forward.

So the dishonest becomes honest. The angry and intolerant becomes patient and lonely. Picking up trash takes my mind. Is that really a big deal? For me it is, because I would chuck a tall boy on the way home every day from work and chunk it out the window.

Couldn't care less in my disease. So to think about that and to pick it up, that's a profound alteration in the way I react to life. Some of you just saying please and thank you, instead of give it to me now or something like that. That can be how you're reacting different. This this hospital that I have the pleasure and the honor to work at, so many people come to talk to me and and they say that they don't feel that they've changed.

They don't feel Oh. Okay. They don't feel that he is not drunk. Somebody just did that. That's not true.

Someone tripped him. Someone should've said that. I didn't say it. Okay. They come to talk to me about, about about the spiritual experience piece.

And they feel that if they're not, feeling the warm fuzzies, you know, and floating and just feeling the presence. If they're not that, then they haven't gotten a connection with God yet. And the book talks about sudden and spectacular upheavals that some people, when in bush, experience. That the bush talks to you and now you're sober. But that's not the norm.

I I have not seen anyone do that. There was one patient at our hospital that lit a sea of twig on fire and said, talk to me. It didn't work. Some of you could have written that down if it doesn't work. So instead of looking for the changed just like that, now I have healing hands and I drink no more, that doesn't happen.

We have the the educational variety to develop slowly, the book says, over a period of time. So begin looking for those things, especially you guys in in early sobriety, the ones that are the most important in here. You've already begun to change. If if you're doing some service work here at this this conference this weekend, that's not how you used to be. I could care less.

And if you're signing up and helping, God is there. You know, that the change has begun to start. And it's just the beginning. I there's a our our taxi service. This gentleman that's been, you know, going around, taking us to different places here and there.

We've had a couple taxis actually. We lived through all of them. That was funny. It was very scary driving, but Myers and Chris are laughing because they know what I'm talking about. Anyway, not even 30 days sober and and and coming to pick us up, coming to do some service work, you know, making coffee back here.

All you guys that are involved in this, It's it's huge. That is not who we usually are, or at least I wasn't. And the book says selfishness, self centeredness is the root of our troubles. So for me to be unselfish and care about you and how you're doing and serve coffee and help others, that's a profound alteration in my reaction to life. So begin looking for those things.

You know, so many people don't do that. They're expecting that that something's gonna change just like that and and now they're going to be internally different and and nothing's ever the same. And that's just not that wasn't my experience. It's been a very long educational variety. And sometimes I I wish I would quit learning, but that's that's not an option I have today.

I've chosen to go towards this path. I've chosen to let God walk me through the tough times. I've made a commitment for good and for all to not be this woman anymore. And and every time something comes up, my experience from that 2 months sober to today, standing up here and doing this, God has been there. And it didn't matter where I've been or what I've done.

It didn't matter. This love that I found from this power greater than me, came in and changed my life. I was sharing about the steps that I changed my life. I was sharing about the steps that I took away from from the program when I was pregnant. Stopped meetings, stopped sponsoring, full of resentment, dishonest.

And it got to a place so bad that, my husband was not stay sober. And my son is laying in the crib next to me. This is my heart's desire to be a mother. But because I've spent so many days going away from the light that I need to stay sober, 2 months have gone by. I haven't done anything.

And the thought crosses my mind, how come he gets to drink and I don't? Right? That was a little scary. Who said that? Kelly?

Where'd that come from? But it was because day after day after day, I had chosen not to seek the light. So for us, complacency or non action is really an action. It takes you backwards, you know? We don't just stay stagnant and stay at the level we are.