The topic of "Emotional Sobriety" at Carry This Message group's Day of sharing

Alan on speaker, please welcome Ginny N from Staten Island. Hi. My name is Jenny and I'm a grateful member of Al Anon. And I think I'll breathe now. Oh, wow.

Thank you so much for inviting me to speak today. I've been in Al Anon since April 9, 1974. And, 31 years has been a very long time. And, I I like to go back. It's great to stand up here and talk about how great things are now and how great the program is.

But we're we're here to share experience, strength and hope. And and where I am today, believe me, I was not there 31 years ago. I, tell you some of my background. I have a father who drank, who who was not home, and at age 12, my my age 12, my father left. And the earliest memories I have living in that household was, a lot of sadness, a lot of yelling, and, you know, of course, never saying anything, it just was a way of life.

So, my father left. And needless to say, we had a very hard life. You know, no money, whatever. And, my mother was on welfare. And from way, way, way before I met my husband as a little girl, I always felt alone, scared all the time and sad.

And, where that came from, I don't know. You know, part of my personality, circumstances that I was living in. I always I felt poor, you know. Poor in spirit, poor financially. And, I I took me, you know, through my teenage years.

And, when I got to high school, I I think I broke out of my shell. I started to I, I'm a I'm a woman of the sixties, a lot of partying, a lot of drinking, a lot of drugs, you know, a lot of bad relationships. And, but thank God I could put the drink down and I could put the drug down. And I I had went through phases in the sixties of doing what everybody else was doing, but I wasn't, you know, I didn't have to drink and I didn't have to do the drug. So, I remember I was about 19 years old and I was walking the streets in Brooklyn and this over it was around Christmas time and this overwhelming feeling came over me.

I was so sad. I I couldn't stop crying, and I started to get panic attacks. I started to get anxiety attacks. And I remember I ran to a hospital, in Brooklyn in, I ran in and they they brought me to the psych unit and they sat me down with a psychiatrist and they wanted me to talk. They wanted to make sure I wasn't gonna hurt myself, and they asked me what the matter what's the matter?

And I said, I don't know. I don't know what's the matter. I just can't stop crying and I and I just didn't wanna live and I was afraid of everything, you know. And I ran away from that. They had set up an appointment but I never went back.

You know, I was just gonna, you know, the next day get over it. And, again, going through life, not knowing what was wrong with me, never feeling great. It's a lot of the stories I I get to hear too from people now and on about how they felt about themselves and what their beliefs were about themselves. And, I, was in a lot of very, very bad relationships. Something about me though, you know, is very strange.

This is also a trait that that you know, a lot of people in my program have shared with me. I was never really attracted to people who were attracted to me. I was always attracted to people who didn't want me. And, you know, and I, you know, it was just like I felt that they were like jerks. I felt like they were, you know, wimps.

I I don't know. I thought a real man, you know, was was, you know, the more I cried the more in love I was. You know, and and really, I I really believed it's it's the how deep I cried and how how, you know, I pined for this person, how I sat by the phone. You know, looking back now, you know, I laugh about that but it really was a it was a horrible existence. And, I thought that this occurred to me that, you know, I should get married because everybody was getting married.

And when you were like 20 and 21 back then, you know, it was like you're not married. And, so I met this nice guy and he really was a nice guy and he didn't drink. And I always say it was like a fluke because I never really was attracted to to people that treated me good. But he was available so we we we got married. And, and as I walked up the aisle, tell you the truth, you know, you know when you get that sickening feeling?

I knew but I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop going up that aisle. And after about 4 or 5 months, I looked over at him and I said, you know, I don't love this guy. I don't wanna be married anymore. And I packed up and I left him and I heard him very, very deeply. And in the meantime, to back it up a little bit, my story is is that while I was married to the first husband, I I got a job and I was working in in, Bush Terminal Bush Terminal in in Brooklyn.

And I was to meet my second husband's home. And me and him, you know, start it was my birthday and we were at a bar and I really didn't know him. I was a secretary typing and he was, you know, doing his thing in the company and he he kinda wrote me this, well, let me back up. We were in the bar, we're celebrating my birthday, and he's sitting at the bar, and this is really true. This is really true.

I looked across the room and our eyes just locked. And I thought, wow, he he kind he looks so lonely. He he looks like he needs someone, you know. And so I just like kinda moseyed over to him. And we start this crazy thing going.

I'm still married to the first husband. 4 months by the way. And But there's nothing wrong with me, you know. I'm not the alcoholic. I don't drink, but you know, you get the picture of where my life was going.

But of course, in my mind, it was always all my husband's fault. So we, we get together and, in the interim, my first husband, decides that he's going to go after Tom with a gun. And, it was a it was really, really, I got I got in front of my first husband so he wouldn't shoot Tom. And it was a horrible, horrible scene. My family hated me.

Everybody hated me. And I went off on my merry way. You know, with my selfish and self seeking, self centered ways because, you know, I was crying all the time and my heart was breaking all the time. And this must be love. So, I remember when I started, I divorced my first husband and I went off with Tom.

And I remember that, one of our very first dates, and I don't even call it a date, but we after work, he wanted to see me and we had a bar up there on Third Avenue, Fourth Avenue in Brooklyn and that's where we went. And I remember from the get go, like I hear a lot of people on the on say, oh I didn't know he drank. I didn't know he was that way. Well I knew. I knew.

But in my mind, in my mind I thought I I'm gonna change him. You know, I'm gonna make this nice house. We're gonna have a baby and we're gonna go off into the sunset. I had no clue, no clue about the disease of alcoholism and how big it was and how powerless I was. But I didn't know what I didn't know.

And then we were sitting in the bar and it's very funny right from the get go it was a problem for me. You know, I would have my one drink or my second drink and I would say to him, you know, let's go. And he would say after this one. And then I would be sitting there and I would be getting angrier and angrier and angrier. And this wasn't like we were going together for a long time.

I'm talking about the first time we went out. The first time. And I couldn't, like I always say, he was glued to the boss suit and I was glued to him. I couldn't leave. I just couldn't leave and I'd wait and wait and wait.

And that's how it went. And that's how it always went. We always wound up in the bar. He always wanted to stay. I always wanted to leave.

I wound up getting pregnant. And, the martyr that I am, I remember telling Tom I was pregnant. And and I said, oh you don't have to marry me. You know, the total martyr. And he said oh no, no.

He's gonna do the honorable thing. I mean, it was so sick. And you know, we got married and you know, while I was, you know, going to city hall, you know, we had a a he was gonna stop for a minute and he where does he stop? At the liquor store. And, we were gonna go on this nice honeymoon to the Poconos and and we wound up in the Poconos and and, you know, well, I when I get in the room with him, well, I had the the sickening sinking feeling at the second marriage.

It wasn't even a sinking feeling. And we go in the room and, you know, I go in the bathroom and there's a joints and I take it and I flush it down the toilet, you know. And I and I have to tell you that the Poconos were was never the same after me and Tom left because, we just went ballistic, fighting, screaming. We're supposed to be on our honeymoon, breaking the room apart and then getting up and going to breakfast like this, knowing that they must have heard our screams, our fights. You know, a honeymoon resort.

And, the shame the shame that I felt about that. And we got married and, I remember, I I don't re re remember if it was while I was married or or before I was married, but my husband said to me, these are some of the insane things that Al Anon people do, that he needed to get license plates. And and I said, okay, let's go. So then we went and he double parked along somebody's car, and he was unscrewing the license plates and I was watching out for the cops. And I'm like, you know, this is my best thinking, right?

But I don't drink, you know. And, another incident, you know, another incident is and and the and, you know, it's funny, but again, you know, this disease is anything but funny. It wasn't funny then. It was we were going to work, and I and I tell this story all the time, and it's really this story's about me. It's not about the drama, it's not about the alcoholic, it's about my behavior.

And my behavior was we're going to work in the morning. We we I worked in the World Trade Center and we're going we have a broken windshield, we have no insurance, we have probably stolen license plates, We're going through the tunnel and they're waving at my husband to pull over. And he's not stopping for nothing and no one. And he said, screw this, I'm going. He's going through the tunnel, I'm screaming, let me out, hysterical, they're waiting on the other side with their guns drawn.

Telling us to get over. Not him, he's going. He went up Trinity Place, he pulled in a parking garage where you scoop in and then the door comes down, nobody knows where you are. We go up, I get out of the car and I say, so what time are you picking me up from work tonight? I mean, it's like it's like, hello, you know, hello.

This is my best thinking. And then I say to him, well, let's not take the tunnel. Let's take the bridge. In case you're looking for us, you know. And then and and I was just jumping out of cars and you know, enough of that.

I gotta get into my recovery part. But I like to to share those things because, you know, I I I remember, you know, the hardest thing for for for me in Al Anon was to take responsibility for me and to stop justifying and rationalizing all of my behavior. So I decide, I'm I'm I'm crying one day, and I'm going out of my mind, and I'm only married 3 months. And I hear this commercial for Al Anon, and there was a phone number, and I went to the phone, and I dialed Alan on. And I went to my very first meeting, April 9, 1974, married 3 months, ready to die, didn't know what the hell hit me, and didn't care if I lived or died, but this was gonna be my last ditch effort.

I had gone to the priest. I had, you know, went to the hospital through the years, going to psychiatrist to try to find out what is wrong with me. And I walked into Al Anon. It was a 2 Tuesday afternoon Brooklyn Saint Jacobi meeting. And I remember I walked down the stairs and I looked at the people and all I could do was cry.

And I said, I feel like I'm I'm gonna die. I don't know what's wrong with me. And, they you know, I said, I just wanna get a divorce. I just wanna get away from this man. I'm losing my mind.

And they said, just sit down and, try to listen to everybody as it's going around. You need to listen and sit down. Because I wanted them I thought you'd go there and they'd tell you how to get a divorce and what to do. And believe me, I was not ready for any divorce, but I was desperate. And there was nowhere to go.

I said, well, I'm going out this place and if there if this doesn't help, that's the end of it for me. It's over, it's done. And I thought, how did I get from where I was to here? What happened to me? I thought I was an outgoing person, I thought I always had a lot of friends.

Even through those teenage crazy years, I felt like I was a popular person. Some people now and on say they were a loner, they were alone, you know. And I always had a lot of people around me, but looking back, I really realize today how alone I really was. As they say, you can have a lot of people around you, but I was dying on the inside. And I just thought, well, this is the way you feel.

This is how you go through life. And what are you gonna do about it? You just go. You exist, there's no happiness, there's no joy. And then I and then I got to Al Anon.

And I remember when I, went to Al Anon and they said to me, You know, you need to get a sponsor, or you need to make meetings, or you need to get phone numbers, and you want to know I did that. You need to help, I'd get there early, I'd stay late. I went every day, I went every night, I went 2 times a day. I didn't have a problem. And the reason when I look back on that, the reason was I I couldn't be alone.

And I really never believed when I went to Al Anon that I could get better. I just thought, well, there's nowhere for me to go. I might as well stay here, at least I have the people around me. And they said, you know, if you keep coming, you're going to get better. They also told me that alcoholism was a disease and that I've been affected and that I have a disease.

And I'll tell you very honestly, I didn't welcome that. I wasn't like, oh thank you for sharing that I have a disease. I didn't wanna hear that I had a disease. I was like, I'm the good one. I'm the wife.

I cook and clean. Yada yada yada, on and on and on, and he's the bad one. He's not coming home. The dinners are going in the garbage. I'm running through the streets in my nightgown.

I'm jumping out of cars, you know, but there's nothing wrong with me. And the first thing that I learned, in Al Anon was that I didn't cause this disease. You know, because I really believed that if I was a better wife, if I was prettier, if I was you know, so many of those things, you know, that I could, why if, why couldn't I get him to change? How could he wanna drink more than he could want me? I couldn't I took a very personal, oh disease disease.

I'd hear that and I'd get sick listening to it because I really believed he was doing it to me purposely. He was out to get me. And, as I went, to Al Anon, I was so sick that, you know, in AA they have those big signs, you know, like one day at a time live and let live in red. And so my sponsor says, you know what Jenny, I used to go to open AA meetings once a week because my sponsor said, you need to go and you need to listen about the disease. And I'd go to open AA meetings like this and look at them and be mad and say, I hate them all.

And and I take the signs that they used to sew at AA meetings, and in my kitchen, I'd have these signs everywhere. All around the kitchen, on the refrigerator, in the bathroom, live and let live one day at a time. Easy does it. And he wasn't in the program. And he'd come home and he'd be trucking go, what what is all this stuff?

And I'd say to him, you know, oh I'm in this program. What do you just do? Talk about me there all night? What do you do? Praying, hold hands and it it was so insane.

And, he'd come to the meetings drunk and, wait for me to get out of the meeting and and the people would walk me to the car and they'd say, you know, don't answer him back, just, you know, just be quiet and go. And that was another thing, I couldn't detach because I always wanted to let him know how hurt I was. I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I couldn't stop the pain from coming up. I just wanted someone to love me.

I just wanted to be secure and loved. And I was trying to get that from somebody who had a disease. And I continue to go to Al Anon and he continue to drink. And, in the interim, in those first 5 years of Al Anon, I had 3 children. And to tell you the truth, I don't even remember how I took care of them.

I think the bare minimum, you know, it wasn't any physical abuse but it was a lot of mental abuse by not being there. Just bathing them. I wouldn't play with them because I was in my obsession. My obsession was, is he coming home? How's he gonna come home?

When is he coming home? I mean, all day, all night. Call him at the job. Are you sure you're not gonna stop after work? This is the Al Anon, the obsession of my mind.

And, after around the 5th year, he decides finally that he had a problem. Oh, well, yeah, I may have a drinking problem. And I was going to Al Anon, you know, when I was just, white knuckling it and I looked up at the steps on the wall and I said, Later for that, You know, maybe one day. Not now. I'm not doing the steps.

You know, I thought they were for other people, not me, you know. And any mention of god would sicken me, you know, because god was the one that did this to me. I used to lay in the bed and say, god, why are you doing this to me? Why, you know, and cry and cry and cry in the bed and blame God. And so when they would have meetings on the steps, I would sit there, you know, and my sponsor I would try to get out.

My sponsor would say to me, you're staying, aren't you? And I would say, yeah. Alright. But I'm not gonna share. And then I would sit in the meetings and I would get sick.

If it was on a topic, then I could stay. And, she said to me, you know, I I remember I went to our house one day and I said to her, you know something? I don't understand this god thing. And I wanna know how do how come you believe it and I don't believe it? And she says, because I have to believe it and I do believe it.

And I says, well tell me how you got to that point. How did you get there? You know, I'm sitting in these rooms, now he's sober, no worse than ever. By the way, he got sober, I got worse. And what happened to me was, I remember he was going to AA and he was calling me up, How's your day, Jenny, going?

I mean remember how foreign this is to me. Gee, I'm gonna go to a meeting. Is that okay tonight? You know, and I'm like, I'm getting sicker and sicker. I call my sponsor, I'm hysterical.

I'm in the worst depression ever. I said, I don't know what's wrong with me. He's going to AA. He's not drinking. He's nice to me and I still wanna die.

And she says, you know what Ginny? You need to take care of yourself. He doesn't need you to take care of him anymore. You have been avoiding you for the longest time. You know, I could tell you everything about my husband, what color he liked, what he didn't like to eat, everything about Tom, but if you asked me something about myself, it was like, I don't know.

And I remember going to a psychiatrist and he says, he says to me, I was in a bad depression. They gave me medication. And he says, I just want you to, like, name one thing you like about yourself. And I, you know, like, I'm standing there and I'm like, you know, I was embarrassed because I couldn't come up with anything and I I'm like fishing. I said, oh, my eyes.

He said, why your eyes? This is because everybody says I have big eyes. You know, I couldn't connect anything. I was a non entity. Everything was based around him, you know, and nothing was about me.

And as I went, to continued on now and on, what what I started doing was I started sponsoring people. Now, you know, I'm in a while. You know, I'm helping the world. Like 5 years, 8 years, 9 years, 10 years, and now and on. And, you know, he's he's going to AA.

We were 2 ships in the night. He was going to AA for years. 7 nights a week. And I was running to Al Anon and we would so we were nowhere near being married a couple. We both went our own ways.

Sober and me and Al Anon. And I was in Al Anon and I remember thinking, I was sitting in the rooms thinking, you know, I'm over here. I'm sponsoring people. I'm helping people. And I still don't even believe in god after all these years that I'm in Al Anon.

And I'm embarrassed because who am I gonna tell that to when I've been in Al Anon and everybody's looking to me because I have all this time. And who am I gonna say I'm still dying on the inside? I was white knuckling it. I was going to Aonon and saying the words and saying oh, I let go. I let god and I was doing what I thought I needed to do so I would look good.

You know? And now I'm in Al Anon 21 years And all of a sudden now, in the interim, my husband had 10 years, went back out, got drunk, stayed out again for 7 years. And now we're coming to the end, I thought, of the marriage. And by, the grace of God and intervention from God, my husband found another way of life. And he found the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And he did the steps the way they are outlined in that book. And all of a sudden now, remember, I got the 21 years. And now he's saying, Jenny, wow this stuff is great. I'm like, he's like a new person. And I'm like, don't even talk to me about that.

I got 21 years, you're the screw up. You went back out to drink after 10 years and now you're gonna tell me about the program? I don't think so. And that was my attitude. Boy, you could tell how spiritually sick I was.

And my attitude was I was still the injured party after all I put up with, you know. That's what I said to myself. And now he was gonna pay a price. I didn't really care if he did did the steps, got drunk, went to jail. I I really like I didn't know where I was going.

And then 1 month went to 2 months to 3 months to 4 months. And all of a sudden, it's he started to there was something about him. And every now and then he would say, Ginny, you really gotta look at this. And I'd say to him, oh no, it's not conference approved literature. I can't look at this stuff.

You know, meanwhile I'm working my own program, right? And then in the, in the meantime I sponsor quite a few people. And this this girl came up to me that I was sponsoring for about 12 years. She says, you know, Jenny, I think it's time that I do the 4th step. And I'm like, oh no, you're not ready for that.

And you wanna know something? The truth of the matter was I didn't do it and I didn't even know how to tell her how to do it. So that's the answer I came up with. You're not ready. And in, in the combination of that, and then my husband, I'm looking at him and I'm waiting.

If you're an Aonon person, believe me, you're waiting for the shoe to drop. Because I had the history with this man many, many years. In and out, in and out, in and out. I didn't trust anything he had to say. As a matter of fact, when he told me how wonderful the big book was, I said, don't even tell me about it.

I don't want to hear about it. I heard it all. Just do whatever you gotta do and stay away from me. 4 months, 6 months, 8 months, I'm looking at him. I'm like, wow, he's still nice.

He's still considerate. Maybe there is something to what he's doing. You know. It's piquing my interest because god knows I'm dying and out and on. I'm dying.

I got 21 years. Never did the steps. Sponsoring people, filled with resentment, self pity, martyrdom. And now, you know, I gotta get, like, I gotta choke and ask him about this book. I'm like, maybe I'll I'll look at it, I said to him.

May maybe I'll take a peek at it, you know. And to speed it up a while, it led me to, it's it's be 10 years this year, that I have gone through the steps as they are outlined in the big book. And, I, couldn't believe, you know, what I discovered about the truth about me. You know, I didn't know what I didn't know. I didn't know what you know, I would intellectualize the steps.

I would be like, okay, I want Palace. Oh, just turn my will over. You know what? I didn't have God in my life. I didn't have a belief.

I didn't have a conception. Oh, excuse me, I had a conception of a scary, frightening, punishing, you know, fire and brimstone. You're gonna die for all the things you did God. So why the heck am I gonna turn my will and my life over to take care of God like that? So when I when I was brought through the steps and you know, someone said to me, you know what, you gotta die so you can live.

I'm like, what do you mean? Death of self. Because the way you've been operating your life all these years, it hasn't done anything for you. And it was the truth. And the steps brought me to so much truth about me.

And then in in the second step, you know, you you're talking about here emotional sobriety. You know, and so sobriety means of sound mind. And being an Al Anon, I was far from having a sound mind. I had an insane mind and I was trying to make all decisions with that mind about my life, about, you know, things in my life, about my children, about everything with a sickened mind. And, you know, and as I was brought through the steps and, you know, came to believe the power of God within myself could restore me to sanity.

And like my husband always says, you know, there better be a god. There just better be a god. You know? And then I was told, you know what? I had to quit playing god.

I'm like, oh, is that what I have been doing all these years? I've been playing God, directing and controlling, putting people in compartments, telling people how they should be, what was appropriate, what wasn't and really never succeeding in anything I did. Only through frustration. Taking the focus off me and putting it on others so I wouldn't have to deal with what the heck was going on inside of me. And then I get, oh gee, you can get your own conception.

I go, wow. How come I never knew that? How come I couldn't even think that? No. Because my belief system told me that I had to believe in the God that I was raised up with.

I didn't know that I could change my belief system. I had no clue. Because when I started the work, they asked me to lay aside everything I think I know about everything. I said, oh, that's great. I got 21 years an hour on.

How am I gonna do that? You know, but I did. For an open mind and new experience. And then guess what? I turned my will and my life over to the care of God as I now understood him.

And you know what I used to think that? You take it here. 5 minutes later it's back. I didn't realize that that meant that I do step 4. I had no clue.

Oh, that's what you do. I waited after step 3 when I used to say it. I'd sit and wait for something to happen and I go to the meeting and say, you know what? I gave it over to god. I must be defective because it's not working.

I get it back again. And I didn't know what I didn't know and I didn't understand. That in order for me to get better, I had to get rid of my selfishness, my self centeredness. I had to die in order to live. No clue.

And then, you know, I went on my journey in 4 and here I am, I had no problem. Here I am now and on for 21 years and I got 75 people on my list. 75 people. I'm like, oh wow. I didn't realize that.

I, you know, because I'd say, oh I let that go. Oh I'm not mad. You know, I do all these things and I really believed it. I didn't know that resentment was killing me. I didn't know that the fear was paralyzing me.

And then I went on my journey. And you know what? When I saw my truth, you know, I felt like for the first time in my life a freedom, You know, when it it it like, okay. And it wasn't even in a in a harsh criticism. It was there.

I wrote it. I put it down in black and white and I saw it. And I asked god to reveal to me. To, you know, to remove the blocks that have been blocking me for my whole life from the truth about me. And then I went on and I and and 5 was like, you know, you know, some people say, oh no, you know, I was ready.

Let's go. I'm ready for 5 and I and I dreaded 5 because I was still attached to what are people gonna think about me. And the trust. And I had to go deeper into into prayer. And I had to reveal to someone everything about me.

One person had to know every single thing about my whole entire life. And then the question was asked, is there anything that you didn't tell me that you need to tell me? And believe me there was. And I didn't wanna say it, but I did. And then I went on you know to 6 and and and, you know, and 7.

And I did my cling list and I did my objectionable list in 6. And then the 7 step prayer and, making my list. My, you know, my 8 step list. And, you know, I I just couldn't believe, you know, like if you're an Al Anon, let me, well, if you're an Al Anon of my type, the last thing you ever wanna do is apologize to to an alcoholic. That's the last thing you wanna do.

For my behavior, you know, and and I was like, you know, I didn't go through the steps sailing and breezing through. I felt some resistance but I it was really the truth of what they said about the prayers. How important it was to keep saying the prayers and that's what carried me through because power, you know, lack of power, that was my dilemma. And and I have to get the power from god, you know, and keep the contact because, you know, I really wanted to be rid of self. I wanted to begin anew.

And then I get I make my list. I get to the 9th step. And, you know, I go and I clear away the wreckage of my past. And, you know, when I went to my husband and if anybody would have ever said that I would be sitting across from my husband, telling him the harms that I have done to him, I would have told him there's no way in hell left to my own devices. I'm not doing this.

I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna stay dug in, you know, to my justification and my rationalization of what my father did, what everybody what he did, and what everybody in my life did to me. You know? And moving through, it's funny because I'm in the 9th step again and and for me, I I do the steps every year. You know?

I keep try to keep myself current. You know, I'm not the one type deal. You go through them and you live in 10, 11, and 12. And I do, you know, 10, 11, and 12, and I'm not perfect. Believe me.

I'd like to stand up here and say that I'm on my knees every day. You know? And I I know that I do pay a price when I don't. You know? And and I always, you know, thought that prayer, you know, like and I was always ashamed of prayer.

I was always ashamed to say that I believed in God, You know, when I because I felt like those people, they were weak. They were weaklings, you know. You gotta be tough. You you've gotta do the things and what do you mean god? You know, everything depended on me, you know.

And it was the shift, you know, they say a shift happens. We are no longer dependent, you know, on anyone but God, you know. And about a year ago, again, saw through a prayer meditation, you know, and and 10 continue, you know. And and I still write. I don't write every night, but I do.

I don't let in. I don't want anything to pile up again because I never wanna have this again, you know. And and, you know, I don't think, you know, anybody I talk to that that have worked the steps does it perfectly, you know. But, I know in 11, you know, when I went to a nice meditation, with Sunday, and and meditation's been hard for me. You know, I, you know, I sometimes I get these pictures in my mind what I should be looking like, you know, doing the meditation.

And, you know, I realized today that for me, it's it's whatever it is, it is. It's not what you have. It's not how you do it. It's it's that I'm just even willing to do it. Today, even to say that, you know, I I used to go to godless, and now I go to him first.

You know? 12, carry the message. You know, having had a spiritual awakening. I was carrying the message. I had no spiritual awakening for years, But I really was doing the best I could with what I have.

Keeping it to myself, not telling anyone after all those years and now and on, I don't get this. You know? And and in 12, you know, carrying a message today of faith, of hope, you know, reaching out to the family members who have been affected by this disease. And tell them, you know what? You keep coming.

Your life is gonna get better because you heard my story. And there was no way, you know, a lot of people had the belief in me be when I didn't have the belief in me, you know. They loved me when I couldn't love myself, you know. And last year, actually 14 months ago, me and my husband were faced with, a devastation. And we have a son who's 26 years old who went blinds.

And, I mean, thank god. I mean, something great has happened too recently, but he he's a diabetic, and and he started to lose his eyesight. And and me and my husband, I thought I again, I was gonna just plunge into the depths of despair. You know? And, and me and my husband, we clung to one another.

And And I think that the pain that we experience as parents of watching your child, you know, lose their eyesight is and I don't say this for the drama. I I guess what I'm trying to get to is is that it was God that brought us through this. Because when that first happened to to our son, I don't know about my husband. I won't speak for him. But there was just a second of me that said wouldn't it be nice to just take myself out?

You know when the pain gets that great? And I know today, you know, when I look back and I see how god was there, like he's always been there for me. He has helped me. He's helped my family. I love Al Anon.

I love what he's given me. I love the gifts of this program. My son, got some of his site restored 2 weeks ago, you know. And, not a lot, but he can, you know, watch a TV and he can do little things, you know. And you know what?

This is the first time, wasn't it funny when that happened that I didn't say, you know, god, why are you doing this to me? I had to believe that god is everything or he's nothing. God just can't be something when I'm getting everything I want. I had to know that no matter what the outcome was that I was gonna be okay and that I needed to trust God. I needed to trust him with every single thing.

I think I was wondering how I was gonna talk for an hour, you know, and, oh wow, I still have time. It's been great. You know, I still get nervous. I was telling my great my good friend Janice, and some friends of mine from Staten Island who came with me, you know, May and Frank that, you know, thank God, you know, they I want come with me and give me support, you know, And so within my sponsor, you know, and and here we talk about sponsorship and sponsees, you know. And I go to my sponsees sometimes and I let them know today the truth.

I don't give this image that I have all the answers and then I know everything. And I let them know sometimes when I'm afraid or when I'm scared. You know? And I don't have a problem with that today. It's not an ego trip.

You know? You know, I always had to have all the answers even in Al Anon for everybody. You know? I'd like to say again, thank you so much for listening and, I'm so grateful, you know, and I love you guys. Thanks a lot.

Everyone's always confused about our tradition they don't know about. This is a card from, our group to you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

15 minute break.