The Road to Recovery group in Plymouth, England

And now Dave's gonna share. I'm David. I'm an alcoholic. It's really nice about my home group tonight and, if you're new around or you're you're visiting us from other meetings or you've been around a while and, you haven't heard this message tonight. You're in you're in good company.

And, my experience is that, you know, I've been coming to AA now for 10 years, and, I've been able to live a good life and, been able to stop drinking. And, you know, I'm actually living my dreams today, and it weren't always that way. When I first started drinking, I used to sort of remember from an early age thinking that, people really didn't like me. Do you know what I mean? I used to go to school and I felt like I had to impress people And if I was really myself, a lot of the time people would have just said, no.

I don't wanna know you. And, from from an early age I felt quite insecure. And I remember sort of, believing in Father Christmas years after, that I knew it was about. So mum and dad put pull it putting the, mince pies back and the milk back. Because I had 3 older sisters.

I used to play on it. I used to think, well, they can keep giving me presents. And, so for years, I used to actually think, you know, believe to to them that Father Christmas, and it was about till about the age of 9, I think. And, my first experience with alcohol was, I remember my mum and dad, they're Irish and they used to have a lot of parties on the weekends especially Saturday nights. And I used to look forward to them coming home, bringing crates of beer back, and, there'd be music playing.

And, me and my cousin would be there thinking, well, they're gonna get drunk. We're gonna get money off them, because when they get drunk, they always give us money because we've got loads of change from the pub. And, you know, we can have a laugh. We can start later. And, I remember being at the bottom of the stairs with this this bottle of beer, not being able to open it, thinking, oh my god, how am I supposed to get this open?

And, we went outside, I cracked it open, and I tried drinking some of it and I thought this is disgusting, mate, how do they drink this stuff? And I thought I'm never gonna drink this. It's horrible. And I remember saying to my mum, I said mum I'm never gonna drink, I'm never gonna smoke. She said you'd be alright if you don't do them things.

And I had a lot of sort of healthy fear. I remember sort of seeing programs like Panorama and you're seeing people getting themselves into all sorts of states. I used to think how do people do that? You know what I mean? It seemed like a different world, you know what I mean?

Like people getting on, you know, becoming alcoholics and, you know, glue sniffing and things like that. And I used to just think, you know I can't understand it. Do you know what I mean? So I had quite a healthy fear around it all. And, at the time I remember being very honest to my mum.

I mean I used to come home from school and if there's something happening I would tell her and she'd say don't worry about it and I wouldn't worry about it. It'd be gone. And but once I started sort of, you know, I started doing the wrong thing. You know, I remember at primary school, I would like go over to the, sweet shop across the road, and when the guy was at the back, I'd start filling my pockets with loads of bags of crisps and drinks and things that I didn't even really want, and sometimes nicking cigarettes as well. And this would be after school, and I'd be thinking, oh my god, what I'm doing.

But I'd get some sort of buzz out of it. I was getting away with it. And, I remember I go home, I'd be eating all these crisps. I'll be trying to smoke this cigarette. I'll be dribbling all over it.

And, I'll be seeing my mum's house just across the road thinking oh my gosh, she knows I'm gonna be smoking. She must be washing me from here and I've got crisps all over me. And I'll go in there and mum said good dad at school. Yeah fine. Yeah.

Yeah. Alright. And I'll just have this guilty conscience on me straight away. Do you know what I mean? And, I started becoming dishonest.

And, you know, I was a crap thief. I was no sort of gangster. In my head I wanted to be. I was just a complete, pathetic case, really. But even so, at an early age, as a teacher went out of the room, I'd be going in a handbag trying to nick money out of a handbag.

Well, I would be nicking money out of a handbag. And, you know, if I got caught at that time I would have got slaughtered. You know, my mum and dad would have been disgraced, you know, it was a strict Catholic school. But I just liked the idea of doing something and not getting found out. And, back to alcohol, you know, I sort of so at the time even though I was trying to do the right thing I started becoming very dishonest.

You know I think you know I'd have all these mixed messages you know. I'll try and do the right thing. I'll be at church on a Sunday but I'll be nicking something on a Monday. And, when I actually got to, secretary school, that's when I had my first proper drink. And, I remember sort of my mate had a his family had a party the Saturday night and the Sunday there was all these drinks left in this kitchen.

I remember going into the kitchen seeing all these little bottles of well, big bottles, but little bits of vodka and Bacardi and all sorts in it. And being in this kitchen and putting them all together on this pint glass and just thinking that should be enough and, holding my nose and drinking it back and, being a bit worried because I've never really sort of experienced alcohol in that sort of frame of mind and, I remember going indoors and mom saying you're looking not too well, you're gonna you're gonna be alright? I said, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm just gonna walk the dog and I went out of the house walking the dog and, I remember my head spinning round. I'm thinking, oh my god, what's gonna happen? I fell over on the grass, the dog peed on me.

I went home my hair was sticking up not with gel but it was from dog's pee and my mum just said what's up with you mate? You know you look really unwell. I said I feel really unwell mum. And I went upstairs and I just shook my guts up for 2 days you know what I mean I was like the Exorcist And, I remember my mom had to keep a vigilance on me because I was ill. Do you know what I mean?

She thought I was gonna kick the bucket out at one stage and she said you and after 2 days she kept me off school. I said, she said you're never gonna do that again are you? I said no no no no. I'm relieved of that. And I remember going to school and telling my friends that, you guess what happened to me it weren't really that I hurt my arm I was you know I got drunk and I was really impressed with what happened.

And I tried to encourage them into doing what I'd done. I said we should do it. It's quite a good feeling. Not telling them how sick I was. And so there was a party in our school I remember we used to it was 14, 15 there'd be a party and for weeks we'd be talking about this party and we'd be so hyped up you know it's gonna be a great party ain't it?

And he said yeah yeah yeah and we'll all go in and I'll tell my mum we're staying at my mate's house she'd tell him that he's staying at my house and we're really lying to each other's parents you know what I mean? Because they won't let us out till 4 in the morning that's how long we wanna stay out and I remember just going to the party and, it was in a place called the North Peckham Estate and it's a rough rough estate I mean the postman never used to go there it was people walking around bannocklowers on it. It's just a really really dodgy estate. And, I remember it was like it was winter and I remember drinking this whiskey. I thought whiskey gets you cane quickly.

Do you know what I mean? And that's what I'd done. I drunk this bottle of whiskey and like 20 minutes, half hour late, I remember puking over this woman's washing. She's shouting at me. I'm screaming back at her.

Stop shouting at me. She's got all her washing out and I'm getting sick all over it. And then I said to my mates, I'm going for a run. I'm feeling hot. And I remember running through this estate, taking my clothes off thinking it's fair I'm burning.

They're trying to put my clothes back on me. Do you mean? Saying look what you're doing? And I'm telling to f off leave me alone. I need to go for a run.

And, and that was it. That was sort of my drinking at the time. And then my mates at school would be laughing and saying do you want to come to another party? You know what I mean? You're really you're really up for it.

And you? And then I went on to a football trip, another experience. I went to Belgium. We had this football tour. And never been out of the country before in my life.

And we went over there, we're staying in a hotel, and over there they they seem to let you drink from about the age of 13 for some reason. I remember going into the nightclubs over there and we could only go in about 8 because we had to be in by 10. And so we'd be in there and then we'd be drinking all this beer. Well, I'd be drinking most of it. And, I remember drinking and getting really, really drunk.

And Gavin go back to my hotel where my t shirts were, I'm walking up the stairs and, I said I've gotta go to bed. He said, you know, what's you've been drinking? I said, no. No. No.

And, my mate's holding my mouth like that because I'm gonna just get sick again and I remember being in in the beds shuking up everywhere in this hotel and I got kept in for 2 nights and, in the end the actual teachers were buying me drinks in the hotel to try and keep me in. They said, you know, Kirk you're an alcoholic. That's what they said to me. He said, you know, as a laugh and I thought blinding. It's nice.

And I really thought it was quite a good laugh at the time. And, you know, at them times it seemed like I drunk and I would never sort of I just drunk to get drunk basically and even a year later I remember sort of my mates used to go out and used to buy really nice clothes which was all into sort of designer clothes and we'd go to a place called the Elkemp Road which is, a place it's near Bermondsey, this place where all these really smart pubs were and if you're sort of into going out drinking these are the places that you you know, you wanted to be seen in or go or whatever. But there's one place that used to, serve people that are underage and we used to go in there. And on a Saturday night we'd just go in there and we'd get absolutely plastered and most of the time I would be outside trying to get into there because my mates we used to have all these different birth certificates because we were so young I'll say which one am I using this week then because the last one I didn't even get in.

Said I don't look like 21 you're having a laugh he said well we only got 20 ones today and I'll take that one I'll be trying to revise it all the way down there but I'm you know I had a brain like a sieve I couldn't forget any I'll remember I couldn't remember anything so I'll be trying to yeah and they'll be testing it on me when I get down there and I'd I'd go to the door and there'd be this big bouncer I was only owning that big now but I was pretty small then. And it seemed like my mates had all bids and you know they you know 15 really mature blokes they seem to be for 15 and I had nothing and I'll be I'll be holding this birth certificate saying they ain't gonna let me in I'll say why mate yeah and they say you're having a laugh you're not you know stand out. I said, look. I know my name. I can say my name and date of birth, and I've got it.

Alright? And, and I would say it. And then I'd have to get all mixed up. And then they'd say what year is that? And I'd be like yeah.

And then that'd be it. I'd be outside. And I'll be music could be in there, there'll be women in there, my mates have been there getting absolutely plastered bringing me half a lager and I'll be gutted mate standing outside this place again And, you know, at that time that's my drinking was, you know, really laughable and, at school I remember sort of, the teachers trying to help me and saying to me, you know, every time I've got a report home from my you know, to my mum, I say, mum, that don't really mean that. Do you mean I'll be trying to sweeten her up and say no, they don't really mean what they're saying. What they really mean is that I'm doing alright, but this you know, I don't always listen.

And she'd be saying that's don't really seem right this one and I'd be always trying to prepare her for what was happening and you know I wasn't the worst thing I mean I would make a lot of friends wherever I went, but I just I felt that people that were doing the right things were misbeh you know, they were not enjoying themselves. And I thought you've got to have a laugh. You know what I mean? That kids were there were getting stuck into education. That they weren't, you know, really benefiting from what we was doing.

And, I made a conscious decision at the time. I had a group of friends that seemed to be getting on with life they knew their direction and purpose and I had this group of friends around my way that were into drinking and getting up to all sorts of bad behavior and I just really found these these these guys you know I wanted what they had. I mean I really wanted to be with them and I thought these guys were gonna be my friends forever and there was loads of us together and it was you know, it was quite a dangerous area I lived in and, we'd go out drinking together and we sort of protected each other. And, these guys I thought, you know, we can always be my friends as I say. And, you know, a lot of them are dead today, it's sad to say.

A lot of them are in prison. Some of them are mental institutions that have gone completely nuts. And, I just you know, I thought at that time that nothing was gonna separate us, that we was always gonna be friends. And, you know, at the time, my mom used to get quite concerned about me. She's saying, look, you're looking thin.

You know what you're doing? You're not eating properly. And, you know, I've never stayed in from school. I'd always be out, like, every you know as soon as I got in from school I'd be out the door as soon as I had my dinner clothes on uniform out every night of the week I don't think there's one night I stayed in in about 4 years you know I'd be out on the streets getting up to no good a lot of the time and my mum would be saying oh you know you're up to no good and all that and I'll say I'm not mum we're just doing this this and that but a lot of the time we'd be getting into petty crime well they would be I'd be watching them a lot of the time because I was cowards and you know one more incident I was just thinking back I mean I've never been that good at anything really even at being a criminal because my mate used to have this scam going where he'd get a refund through this he'd steal things from this place and get a refund back from it because you could without a receipt and he'd go to all these different stores in London.

Me? I'll say, I I I can do it now. And I went into this store, tried to get a refund for these goods, and the goods weren't even out in store yet. So 10 minutes later, I've got arrested. So that was my my sort of thing trying to you know be a criminal at the time.

And I said to my mum some girl gave them to me on the street she told me I must have them and bring them back to the store and she went what? But I used to make these things up in 2 minutes and think what can I say? Do you know what I mean? And she's like and she'd you know I'll be so convinced she would be after a while convinced her and she'd think what's going on but you know looking back that was my life was you know just I was going nowhere from the age of 14 my life was going downhill and you know as I say I wasn't the worst person in the world you know what I mean I wanted you know I had dreams I had you know, ambitions. You know what I mean?

I wanted to be famous. When I was a kid, I actually thought I was gonna be famous. And, you know, I really sort of had this, you know, I thought I was quite a special sort of person and, you know, as I started drinking it seemed like, all my dreams and ambitions went away, you know, and I started not doing anything. I mean I started getting into jobs from about the age of 17 where, you know, after a month I'd start people would say, you know, I'll start off well. You know, I'll start doing the right thing, but a month later I wouldn't turn up.

You know, I'd I'd throw a sickie and, and then I'll I'll, you know, I'll I'll carry on for a while and in the end I'll I'll leave the job before I got the sack basically and I'll blame blame them and I'll tell my mum and dad that they've been picking on me and make up this complete story, not realising it says in the big book that, you know, that I always started the ball rolling. Do you know what I mean? I was I was always blaming other people. And there were really a lot of good people in my life. They tolerated me really when they shouldn't because, you know, I was quite hard, you know, I was quite hard work a lot at the time.

And, you know, I was forever thinking, you know, that everyone's on my case, you know what I mean? That why are people picking on me? I felt very victimised. And, with relationships you know I was always feeling sorry for myself. I used to think that if people felt sorry for me then you know I would get more out of them do you know what I mean?

I and that you know that people would stay with me and and things like that and I was always I was quite a mixed up person and you know with alcohol. Alcohol really today was just a symptom of a deeper problem, you know, that I didn't see at the time. And, you know, life just became really, really pointless and I got to hurry on, right? I didn't realize it was going so quick, but, you know, eventually I got to a point where, you know, the alcohol stopped working. I was suffering from paranoia and panic attacks like the others have shared tonight.

And, life became very, very pointless and painful. And I knew loneliness, as few do, as it talked about. And I wanted off, you know, I wanted to jump an off point. And, I remember 10 years ago being around a group of people in a in a squat. One guy was wanted to stab me for some reason.

I couldn't work it out. But every time he saw me, he just wanted to stab me. And I just thought I asked him why one day, and he just chased me down the street. I tried to reason with him. I thought if I talk to him he might not wanna stand me every time I see him.

And I just thought I gotta get out of this place mate. This is going really mad. And I remember being in hospital and, you know, from drinking. Like, my heart near enough stopped. And, I just remember thinking I felt really gutted.

You know what I mean? I felt really, really lonely, and I just thought, I really don't want this no more. I'm really sick and tired of this way of life. And, know, I really didn't know there was any way out there. The only people that used to knock on my door was the Salvation Army, and it's usually my brother stitching me up saying my mates are down there and they would start talking their waffle and I'd bring them in because I had no one else to talk to.

I thought they were quite interested in me but I think they were trying to recruit me at the time. But I said, no. That's right. See you later. And, you know, so I got to this point where I was I was really, really desperate.

And I I ended up going into this detox center in Brixton, where, where I, you know, where where I grew up and, it was a Monday night and I remember the lady saying to me AA's coming in tonight I think you really should go in there and I could see the enthusiasm in her face but I couldn't feel it myself. And I she's reading parts of the big book and I I'm thinking yeah yeah. And I remember going in there as she said it's Monday night you should go in there. They're coming in. I remember going into this meeting and, you know, going in there and they they people sharing experience, strength and hope.

And I remember just feeling for the first time in my life people understood me you know because for years I remember feeling so misunderstood I wouldn't even know where to start if I to start talking about what was going on because I couldn't make sense of it you know everything seemed distorted and you know I couldn't you know make sense as I say and And a year later I I ended up in AA. I said that's been you know what happened for me and I ended up coming down to Plymouth and, I was told I went to go into a treatment center and they said you know come to Plymouth and they said it's in Devon and I said well that sounds good I used to go there when I was a kid and I came down here and it cut I'll see as you come in the motor, it says Plymouth the the the City of Discovery and really it's been the City of Recovery for me, you know what I mean? I came down here and, after a short period of time being in this treatment center, I came out into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And, I remember being in the meetings for a while and just feeling that I liked what was going on. I felt comfortable around these guys and these women. I felt like I didn't have to be anything else. I didn't have to try and be something for someone. You know, I could be myself and felt, you know, comfortable, as I say.

And, but for a short period of time, I remember going to meetings and people were saying one thing, other people were saying another. And I remember just sitting there and I felt sort of robbed really. Do you know what I mean? Because I had a lot of sort of expectation that maybe I was going to get better. And I remember thinking to myself, 'If this don't work, I'm going to really, really die.

And I really want to live. You know, I want to live and be happy. And that's why if you're new around tonight you can live and be happy. That's what been my experience is and, I remember seeing my sponsor at a meeting and it was on a Monday night and I heard so much about this guy and it was nothing good. But when I saw him showing from the top table I thought this is a completely different guy, mate.

He was warm. He had a sparkle in his eye. And I just I was just attracted to him. Do you know what I mean? And he came up after the meeting.

He shook my hand, and he come and spoke to me. And I thought, this is the sanest guy I've met in AA. And, you know, I went to start going to his his home group, and, it was on a Friday night. It was a cold meeting, but it was a lot of warm hands and and good people there and I remember sitting there freezing thinking I've struck gold you know there's something really really special here and I was given simple things to do on a daily basis. I was told if you do them you'll get better, if you don't there's a good chance you're gonna go mad and die.

And, you know, I had a little bit of common sense left and I realized if I had anything to do with it I was gonna create all my own misery over again. And, I wasn't the smartest person in the world, but I knew, you know, I knew that. And, I remember giving me these simple things to do. And after a short period of time, we're praying a sober day, calling them every day. And he said to me, he said, you know, everyone that's doing anything in this world has got someone.

You know, they've got advisers like the prime minister. He doesn't do things on his own. The Pope's got advisers. Everyone checks things out who are doing well in in life, and that made sense to me. And I remember just calling him, and he he just give me loads and loads of encouragement.

He used to tell me, meet up with the guys here, and, phone so and so, give him loads of encouragement. And after a short period of time, I remember being with Alexis and Julien, a couple of other guys having a milkshake on Northfield and thinking this is amazing. You know, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And, I went through the program and, a whole new whole new life opened up, you know. I was just like the rest, you know I was very nervous I was very socially I couldn't speak to people and you know I always felt felt different and after a short period of time of doing these things a whole new world opened up for me and, it's been my experience that life has continued to get better in AA, you know.

I've had the ups and downs but my sponsor's been there, he stood shoulder to shoulder of me and he's always been on my side. He's always encouraged me to do the right and honest thing, and it's been an amazing journey, you know. I can't fault it, you know. I had I hadn't had a bad day in recovery, and, you know, life today I'm becoming the person that I've always wanted to be. And, you know, I know that the the best years of my life lay ahead, You know, the last year has been the best year of my recovery and that's, you know, that just shows how how this programme works, you know, as depth and weight.

And, you know, I loved seeing other people coming into meetings, you know, and getting better because I was so selfish and self centered to the extreme. I was very sort of, you know I was worried about myself all the time you know I mean and I was always if people were doing well I hated it you know I mean I'd resent them for it I wouldn't sort of be happy for anyone basically and through as well, I remember being on the sick, and my sponsor said to me, about time you should get a job now, ain't you? And I was comfortable getting, you know, drinking tea and meeting up with the guys. And, I didn't know what I wanted to do. You know what I mean?

I never had an idea what I wanted to do. And he just said, Go to the job centre and, just look for anything. Do you know what I mean? And I remember my mum used to say to me, she used to say why don't you go and stack shelves in Sainsbury's to take people on? I thought you were having a laugh.

Why don't my mates see me? And, you know, I see today that you can start anywhere. As long as you're starting, that's the most important thing. I remember going to this job, and, I remember starting in the warehouse, this warehouse and I turned up every day and people used to call me King Dave because I was there every day with a smile on my face and they said you don't earn enough money to be smiling and, I was just smiling all the time you know what I mean and that's been my experience. So every day I have a laugh you know, and, I try and be, you know, trying to be a better person.

That's what I try and do today, you know what I mean? I'm always trying to improve, you know, what I can do about myself to be a better person. And it says that in a big book. You know, when we retire at night, you know, we can structurally review our day and see, you know, have we been selfish or dishonest? And, you know, not to to get into remorse, you know what I mean?

Just to try and improve on what we can do today. And, you know, as I say, you know, sponsorship for me has been the most important thing. You know, my sponsors always, as I say, has helped me. And, you know, I've got a beautiful little daughter today as well, mate. She's 3 and a half.

And, without that without AA, you know, I've have none of these things in my life, you know, but the most important thing for me is, you know, for me, AA is an inside job, you know, and, you know, it's how I feel about life today. And that, you know, I'll give it all up, really, do you know mean, still to have my recovery. I don't say that into being a bad way. And, you know, I've got a great relationship with my parents. I remember last summer being at a party, all my family were drunk as you're sure.

And, it was like a communion or something like that it was a catholic sort of thing and everyone was getting paralytic drunk and I could see it was gonna happen sooner or later everyone's going to start kicking off and it was really hot as well and it did it kicked off and I remember having to get my sister in the cab. And my other sister's giving me a tenner saying take her home because she was crying her eyes out. I'm thinking why do they always give me the tenner to take her home? Home? And, I remember being at home.

And everyone just come home and it's, you know, starts sobering up. And my mum says, you know, she because she worried about me for years. You know what I mean? She thought that I was gonna end up dead or something. She said, I worry about this lot, but I don't worry about you no more.

You know what I mean? And that is the amazing thing, you know, that she doesn't worry about me no more. And, it's lovely to be here. And, you know, this is the best home eating in the world for me, the Rose of Recovery. And, you know, thanks for thanks for everything.

Thank you. Thanks, Dave. Thanks, Dave.