The 60th annual Texas State AA Convention in Dallas, TX

Thank you. I'm Patty. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Patty. I'm grateful to be sober.

I'm grateful to be in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I wanna thank Larry and the committee for inviting me and giving me an opportunity to participate in my recovery. I love Texas AA. You all know how to do it really well. I want to thank, I got a phone call from Kirsten last during the week, and, I answered the phone.

She says, this is Kirsten. I'm from Dallas. She said, I won't be picking you up at the airport, but and blah blah blah blah blah. Meet me and blah blah blah blah. So I said, okay.

And I hung up the phone and the next day I get a phone call from Brenda and Brenda says, this is Brenda. I'm from Dallas. I won't be picking you up at the airport. But blah blah blah blah blah. And, you know, I'm one of those trust God kind of women.

And so I emailed my friend Beverly and I said, I don't know. You know, I got this phone call from Kirsten who's not picking me up at the airport and I got a phone call from Brenda who's not picking me up at the airport. Do you think somebody might be picking me up from the airport? I had to ask Brenda where what the name of the hotel was because I do know how to take a cab if necessary. And so I I wanna thank Robbie and her posse who were actually at the airport to pick to pick me up and to and to bring me to the Harvey or wherever it is I am.

I've had a great time so far. I hope you've had a good time. I've had a great time right up until this minute. It's been it's been fun. I'm, let's see.

Why? Let me what what should I tell you about myself? My sponsor always tells me let's see why let me what what should I tell you about myself? My sponsor always tells me that I should tell you my name and tell you the truth. I've already told you my name.

I'm not so sure I'm gonna tell you the truth. And the reason for that is really clear to me. I mean, I don't know of anybody else in our politics anonymous, but I never knew that on August 20, 2005, I was gonna be standing here expecting to report to you what it used to be like. When I was out there if I would have known that I was gonna report what it used to be like I would have paid a lot more attention to my life. I may have even taken some notes.

I'm not sure. And certainly if I would have known about steps 45, I would have done some things differently. But I didn't know that I was gonna report it to you. So I didn't pay a lot of attention. And coupled with that, I'm a blackout drinker.

And I don't know about anybody else, but I love blackouts. I love blackouts. There was nothing more exciting to me than leaving work on August 2nd, returning on August 18th and discovering I'd been there the entire time. It makes the time between paychecks so much shorter. I love I wish we could have blackout sober.

I love blackouts. But if you're a blackout drinker, it makes what it used to be like even sketchier. So a lot of what I report to you has been reported to me by other people, and I just have to kind of believe they were telling me the truth. I have a job. I had to get a fingerprint clearance and I was being fingerprinted for my job and I fingerprint really, really well.

I have a lot of experience at fingerprinting. I, I know to roll with the prints. I don't I don't try and resist it. I don't roll too fast. I just kinda go right along with it.

And I was being printed and I didn't wanna raise any red flags. So I said very calmly to the woman doing the printing. I said, how far back are you gonna check? And she looked me in the eye and said, from the day you were born. And the book Alcoholics Anonymous says more will be revealed.

It doesn't say how. So when the report came back, the woman called me and she kinda had that hesitancy that nonalcoholics have sometimes when they talk to us. She had that hesitancy in her voice and she said my report had come back. And I said, and she said, you know, normally these pages these reports are 2 or 3 pages long. I said, She said yours was 57 pages.

Do you wanna see it? Well, of course, I did. Then I went down and read that report. I know a lot more about what it used to be like having read that having read that report than I knew before. So, you know, this is what I think the truth is.

It may or may not be. I like to tell the story. It's a fun story. I like to tell it. So it may or may not may or may not be true.

I'm a real alcoholic. I was sitting last night when a told me that to find her in George, she said just, go through the lobby, buy scoops, pass the bar and to the where the meetings are being held. I said only in Alcoholics Anonymous would they ask you to go past ice cream and alcohol to get to Alcoholics Anonymous. But I was sitting out there in that bar area last night and I wonder sometimes when we're in a hotel like this, what people who aren't with us think. But there was one table of people who clearly weren't with us And they were there were 2 women and a man and they had, the one woman had a glass of red wine, the other one had a glass of white wine, and the guy had a beer.

Not that I was paying that much attention but but I was sitting there watching them and they're chatting and they're talking and they're chatting and they're talking and they're talking and they're talking and they're talking. And one of the women with the red wine finally reached over and picked up her wine. I think, yeah. Picked up her glass of wine, got it to about here, started talking to the other woman, and put it down. That's wrong.

And then they kept talking. They talked and talked. The guy got a phone call. He was talking on his phone without drinking his beer and they're talking talking talking. She finally she reached for it again.

Got it right up to here and started talking to her friend and put it down. That's alcohol abuse. I finally had to leave. I couldn't stand it anymore. I need to go sit someplace else.

I'm a real alcoholic. I don't I don't ignore my alcohol. I'm a real alcoholic. I didn't have my first drink alcohol till I was 13 years old. I'm sorry I waited that long, but I had no idea what alcohol would do to me or for me.

I don't remember ever thinking about alcohol. Now I know this morning that I grew up in an alcoholic home, but I never knew that growing up. I never knew it was alcohol. I thought my dad was weird. I thought there was something definitely wrong with my mother, but I didn't know that it was alcohol.

I grew up in an alcoholic home, but I had no idea about alcohol. I never thought about alcohol. I never thought I can't wait until I drink. I never thought I wouldn't drink. I just never thought about alcohol at all.

And yet when I was 13 years old, I was on a camping trip with a group of girls. We were camped on the beach in Southern California. I remember that Friday night getting into the tent and I had a bottle of vodka in my pillowcase. And to this day, I don't know where that bottle came from. I've always believed it was the grace of God but I've never been able I've never been able to confirm that.

I took that bottle out and I remember being excited about having it. I had no idea what alcohol would do to me or for me, but I remember being excited about having that bottle. And I asked if anybody wanted any and they didn't. And And the reason they gave me for not wanting it was all we had to mix with it was grape soda and root beer. And I said, well, so what?

And I took off the top and I drank half the bottle. I looked around the tent, nothing had gotten different, nothing had changed, so I drank the second half of the bottle and that was to be the end of my social drinking. Never never again after that day did I ever offer anybody a drink out of my bottle. And I don't know about anybody else in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I never had resentments until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I never had resentments out there, but one of my early resentments in Alcoholics Anonymous is I heard you talk about your first drink.

And you talked about the drink. You described it. You talked about how it felt in your mouth. You talked about the warmth as it went down your throat. You talked about how it hit your stomach and it exploded.

And it went to your fingernails and your toenails and you grew a couple inches. Your pimples fell off, you dropped £20, you became Prince Charles and Lady Di and wonderful things happened to you. And that simply wasn't the case for me. I had my first drink of alcohol and absolutely nothing happened to me for about 15 minutes. And at the end of the 15 minutes, the only thing that happened to me was I had to go to the bathroom.

And it's my belief this morning that if you were to drink a quart of anything, in about 15 minutes, you'd have to go to the bathroom. So I got on the tent and I shuffled down to the outhouse and I went in and went to the bathroom and when I got done and went to get up, I realized I was absolutely and totally 100% paralyzed to the toilet seat. I could not move. I couldn't even blink. I didn't feel my heart beating and I was overcome with a sense of fear.

And of course, the fear was that somebody else was going to have to come use that outhouse. And there I was paralyzed to the toilet seat. I don't know how I knew this at 13, but I somehow knew that the body was made up of energy. And I somehow figured that if I could gather my energy, I would be alright. I always refer to it as my first formal meditation because I sat and I gathered my energy.

And when it seemed to be all in one place, when it seemed to be centrally located, I just sort of fell off the toilet, out the door into the thing and started crawling back to the tent. Now since coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, you've explained to me that my entire problem that night was my attitude. If my attitude would have been right, I could had a fantasy. I was in the marines as being dive bombed as I was trying to get back to safety. And if my attitude would have been right, it could have been a nice experience.

But in my own defense, I have to tell you my pants were still down at my ankles. I had started to get sick. I couldn't quite get through it. I couldn't get around it. And I've always contended under those circumstances, it's a little difficult to have a good attitude.

I did somehow manage to get back to the tent, I fell in and I passed out. And when I came to in the morning, I realized nobody was in the tent with me and I couldn't figure out where they went until my eyes cleared enough that I realized I'd been sick all night long. I'd hit the top of the tent, the side of the tent like you've never been sick. I hadn't missed the square edge and quite frankly I didn't want to be in the tent either. So I got out of there and and that was my first drink of alcohol.

And it was the most incredible, marvelous, magnificent, fabulous, spiritual, wonderful experience I'd ever had. And it must have been because I put some amount of alcohol into my body from that day until the day I came through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't always drink the kinds of things that you would classify as a beverage. I drank a lot of vanilla extract. I used to buy it by the 6 pack.

I I remember the day the guy at the market called me over and he said, Patty, I can't let you buy vanilla extract anymore. He says, I can't believe anybody bakes as much as you do. And then I got cut off from that supply. I drank a lot of mouthwash. I drank a lot of perfume.

Taboo became my after dinner drink of choice. I still love taboo. If you're wearing it I may follow you too closely and laugh at your neck. In fact, when I share, I'm often tempted to introduce myself and say I'm Patty and I'm a pig. I'm the person that came to your house and drank ate and drank everything in your bathroom.

And I don't think this is unusual. I don't think I'm living any different than anybody else. I think I drink because I wanna drink. I don't know that I don't have a choice. I don't know that at 13 years old, I put alcohol into an alcoholic body and from that day on, I had no choice.

I think I drink because I want to drink. I had an opportunity to go to college and went to San Diego State. I graduated from there with a 3.8 grade point average and I am a chronic in retrospect, I can tell you I'm a chronic alcoholic, I'm drinking on a daily basis, I'm a blackout drinker and yet I graduated from college with a 3 8 grade point average. And I share that with you because it almost killed me in Alcoholics Anonymous because when I got here, I told you I was too smart to be an alcoholic. Nobody with a 3 8 grade point average could possibly be an alcoholic.

I I stayed in San Diego and took classes for a master's degree. I'm one of those people if I'm doing something well, I wanna keep doing it. Apparently, I do school well, so I stayed and take took classes for a master's degree. I left San Diego. My disease manifests itself in rationalization, justification, and denial.

No matter what it is I do, I explain it to you why I'm doing it. And as I'm explaining it to you, I'm hearing it. And as I'm hearing it, I'm believing it. And I'm leaving San Diego because I've taken all the classes San Diego State has to offer. I don't think I'm leaving because I have one more drunk driving assault charge pending.

Another resentment I got in Alcoholics Anonymous. I found out here you can get arrested for a single charge of drunk driving. I never knew that I always got arrested for drunk driving assault and it had something to do with how I got out of the car. And here's the deal. I mean, I'm driving down the street, the light comes on, I pull over, the officer walks up.

Now the first thing I do is slam the car door open. Now, my intent is is to knock him in the private parts. Men are a little fussy about their private parts. So as the doors flying open, he jumps back. And when he jumps back, it's really a good thing because now he's far enough away that I can get him in focus.

And I think one of him, one of me. 1 of him, one of me, I think I can take him. 1 of him, one of me, I think I'll try. And I would go for him and it'd be a good fight. I was a lot younger but it was a good fight for a couple of minutes.

But I wouldn't remember that back at the car, he had a friend. And the friend had a radio. And the friend would call some more friends. And pretty soon it'd be 3 or 4 of them, one of me, it's not fair anymore, I say, uncle and they take me away. And the next time the light comes on behind me, I pull over.

The officer comes up, I slam the car door open, try and knock him in the private parts. He jumps back to protect himself. He gets far enough away and get him in focus and I think one of me, one of him, one of me, I think I can take him. 1 of him, one of me, I think I'll try and I would go out the car for him. It'd be a good fight for a couple of minutes, but I wouldn't remember the friend, the radio and the friend's friend.

For soon before 5 of them, one of me, it's not fair anymore. And he say, uncle, and they take me away. And I didn't do that once or twice. I did that 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 times. And that's the and never remembered the friend, the radio, and the friend's friend.

And that's the insanity of mind disease. The insanity of mind disease is I do the same thing over and over, and I think the results are going to be different. This time, it's a fair fight. This time, I'm going to take him. And, and I didn't really have any consequences from much of that.

I mean, they took my driver's license from me, but you really don't need that to drive a car. But I I didn't have a lot of consequences. I mean, I'd pay an attorney $1,000, which was a lot of money, but I'd pay an attorney $1,000 and he'd write a letter, make a phone call, or whatever he'd do, and that'd kind of be the end of it. I never really never really heard much more about it. But one time, I had 2 pending at the same time, and my attorney was nervous.

And if your attorney's nervous, I think you ought to worry about it. So I'm sitting in a bar worrying about the fact that my attorney's nervous. And as luck would have and I'm sitting next to this guy that works in a mortuary. And I think alcoholics, we come up with really good plans really quickly. And I came up with a great one that night.

We went over the mortuary. We got a death certificate. We put my name on it, we wrote all of the pertinent information, we forged the doctor's signature and we sent it to the court because they can't expect a lot from you if you're dead. And, and I called my attorney and I told him he didn't need to worry. He didn't worry.

I didn't worry. Nobody worried for about, I don't know, a month or 2 and then I got arrested for drunk driving assault. And that time the judge wanted to see me and I never wanted to see me before. I really couldn't figure out why he wanted to see me this time, but I went. And I'll never forget him looking at me, he said, Miss Ochoa, tell me, how is it a dead person is standing in my court?

I shrugged my shoulders, and with all sincerity, I said, I don't know. Bad luck? And, and that's what I thought it was. It was bad luck. It was circumstances and conditions.

It was the cops. It was you or they or them. It was a lot of things that never occurred to me had anything to do with alcohol. Never occurred to me. So I'm leaving San Diego State.

I was offered a job in Chico, California. I think I've taken all the classes San Diego State has to offer and this is why I'm leaving. It doesn't occur to me I'm leaving because I have one more drunk driving assault charge pending. I load everything I own into my car. I take 2 cases of beer, 2 bottles of booze, and I head north.

I got to Santa Ana, which isn't really the place you wanna shoot for, but, I was out of booze and I was thirsty. I'm a bar drinker. I'm a sleazy bar drinker. I'm a office drinker, living room drinker, a car drinker, an alley drinker, a dumpster drinker. I don't specialize.

I just drink, but I love sleazy bars. I love sleazy, nasty, disgusting bars, The kind with sawdust on the floor. And if anybody starts salivating, I'm sorry, but sawdust on the floor. I like them when the mirrors are cracked so you kind of have to dip around to see yourself in there. The upholstery around the bars ripped where people tried to hold on as they're going off the bar stool.

Piece of broken furniture in the corner is always a nice touch. They're full of smoke. Well, they used to be full of smoke. In California, you can't smoke in a bar anymore, which makes no sense to me. I used to drink in places where guys could take a piss against the wall.

They can still do that but they can't smoke. But they used to be full of smoke and they had that wonderful used booze urine smell that I mean I still salivate when I think of that. I love that smell. I'm dry drive. I'm in Santa Ana.

I'm on the booze. I pull off the freeway. I have a sense. I can find that kind of bar without even looking for it. I pull into the parking lot of this place.

I walked in. It was full of smoke, had that wonderful smell. Willie Nelson was singing on the jukebox and I knew I was home. 88 miles from where I started from. Alcohol had become my mother, my father, my God, my friend, my lover, my companion, my support.

And at some point, it had turned. I've always believed it was in the middle of my first drink. But at some point, it had turned, it began to strip me of self esteem, self worth, dignity, decency, integrity, honesty, pride, all the things we have going for us as human beings. And long before I got to you, it had taken it all. Alcohol controlled every area of my life where I would live or I would work, the people I with and eventually the people I would run from.

And I didn't know that I didn't have a choice. I thought I drank because I wanted to drink. I ended up in Santa Ana, 88 miles from where I started from. I never got any further north than that. I went into the profession of my choice.

I rose very quickly to the top and that too almost killed me in Alcoholics Anonymous because I got here and they told you I was too successful to be an alcoholic. I told you about the big oak desk I sat behind. I told you about the trophies and the plaques. What I didn't tell you about, I was in the newspaper business and, we often gave awards and I know this morning it was because God gave me a gift but we often won awards. And I didn't tell you about the times I would come out of a blackout standing in room much like this holding an award not knowing if I was giving it or receiving it.

And so I would say thank you and I would go sit down and then they would elbow me and tell me I was presenting it to the Kiwanis Club and I'd have to get up and start over again. And I didn't tell you about that. I just told you I was too successful to be an alcoholic. I arrived in Alcoholics Anonymous with what I pray God was my last drunk driving assault charge. By the by the end of my drink in the state of California was starting to get really irritated about barreling down the freeway at 80 miles an hour, blowing something in the breathalyzer above above your grade point average.

And on what I pray God was the last my last drunk driving assault charge, I was taking the field sobriety test. I'm really good at field sobriety test. I practice field sobriety test. I'm one of those people. I get released from jail.

I get the arrest report. I read it. I find out where I'd made my mistake so I can practice that part so that next time I'll get that part right. And I always knew there'd be a next time. I got a very high profile job and the cops were always looking for me.

They knew what kind of car I drove. They knew what my car was. They knew what I was driving. If I had your car, they knew what I was driving if I had a rental car. They always knew what I was driving and they were always looking for me.

So I practice field sobriety test a lot. And on what I prayed God was my last drunk driving assault. I was doing in fact, I mentioned to the officer, I thought I was doing a plus work. I mean, it was a good test. I by that time, I knew touch your finger to your nose means this.

It doesn't mean that. I know how to walk. This morning, I could stand on foot for 45 minutes. I'm really, really good at it and, at the end the officer asked me to say the ABCs backwards. Well, the time before I had responded with, well, I can't even do that sober.

Well, then I just confessed and they took me away. So on the last one when he asked me to say the ABCs backwards, I said okay and I turned around. See, you think it's funny. He wasn't even amused. Turned around.

He cuffed me. He took me to Orange County Jail, and he put me in a cell with criminals. And, I mean, there were real criminals in there. There were prostitutes in there. There were burglars in there.

There were women who'd been arrested for beating their husbands, which I don't think should be a crime. And I knew I didn't belong there. I tried to organize a prison break and, I explained the plan very carefully and very slowly to the criminals and it's an easy plan. We're gonna get our coffee cups. We're gonna bang them on the bars.

When the marshal comes to see what's going on, I'm throwing my arm around her neck. We're getting her keys, and we're getting out of here. I heard something I was to hear in Alcoholics Anonymous. 1 of those criminals looked at me and she said, why don't you sit down and shut up? I said, fine.

Then y'all stay, but I'm getting out. I was going like a man woman on those bars. Now there's a couple problems with Styrofoam cups. First one is they don't make a lot of noise. Second one is the bars have a tendency to eat them up.

When the bars ate it up and it got to my knuckles and it got painful, I sat down and I shut up. And, I was released from that from jail on an OR, which I knew was a mistake, but I didn't think I should tell him about it. And I went to court on that charge. I was 26 years old. I was drunk in court that morning.

It's the only way I went to court. It's the only way I went to work, the laundromat, the grocery store. It's the only way I did anything. I went to court drunk that morning. The State of California was really getting upset and, because of my son as a direct result of my alcoholism.

I never wanted to be a mother. I found out that is not adequate birth control. And I didn't like him. I mean, he was 8 months old. He did nothing.

He wept and he cried. That was about the extent of it. He did nothing. And, and I didn't particularly like him, but I was willing to use him that morning. And I told the judge that I was a single parent.

I was self supporting through my own contributions. I had this child and he couldn't put me in jail. And he looked at me and he told me that he would put my son in a foster home because I was an unfit mother. Now I would have admitted to be in a lot of things, but I did not think I was an unfit. I have that kid with me every day whether he wanted me or not.

I put him in one of those plastic things you put kids in when you don't want to touch him and he was to spend the first 11 months of his life on a pool table in a smoke filled bar. And I thought because I had him with me, made me a fit mother and I was being sentenced. In the middle of sentencing, the expression on the judge's face changed, the tone of his voice got different and he looked at me and he said, I know this won't work for you but I'm gonna offer you one more chance and he offered me an alternative. And part of that alternative was meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I wish I could tell you that I took the alternative.

I came here. I looked at the 12 steps. I knew there were solutions to the problems in my life. I worked them all in the 1st week and skyrocketed to recovery. And, and if Larry Johnson wasn't here, I would tell you that story but, but that's not my story.

In retrospect, I can tell you that I left the courtroom and I drank for 3 more months. I didn't drink a greater quantity. Physically, it had been impossible to drink a greater quantity of alcohol, but I drank with a sense of urgency and a desperation I had never known. And on October 4, 1975, the day before I used to go back to court to tell the judge what I was I was doing with the alternative he gave me, on that day I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And and I didn't know what a and a was.

I thought it was something like the PTA or Parents Without Partners and, and a lot of days it is. But I as far as I know, I had never heard the words Alcoholics Anonymous. I had no idea what you people were gonna do do to me or for me. And my first meeting was a speaker meeting and it was about this size and I can't tell you who talked that night but, I heard 2 things. I heard we don't drink between meetings.

Well, I quickly looked around and I didn't see any of you drinking in the meeting. And I thought if you're not drinking in the meeting and you don't drink between the meetings, when do you drink? I know it affects other people but it made me really nervous. I couldn't figure out why the judge had sent me to a place where people didn't drink. The other thing I heard in that meeting was that the answers were in that book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

So after the meeting, I stole the book. I mean, I I don't get you buying 1, but and I need to have the answers. And I can't tell you how irritated I was. I went home, not only could I not find the answers in that book, I couldn't even find the questions. And I thought, oh, dear God, I've stolen the wrong book and I'm gonna have to go back and get the right one.

And and I'm a thief. Now, I don't know I'm a thief. I have to stay sober while my sponsor tells me I'm a thief. I think it's incredibly important that you have a sponsor. I think it's absolutely essential that you have a sponsor who's not as emotionally involved in your life as you are.

It annoys me sometimes, but but she has a whole different perspective on my life than I do. I mean, she thinks I'm a thief. I mean, here's the deal. I'm in a bar drinking. The bar closes.

I find some keys. I go out in the parking lot. I find the car that they fit and I'm driving myself home. My sponsor in the San Diego police think this is Grand Theft Auto. I think it's alternative transportation.

I I just need to get home. Rationalization, justification, and denial, no matter what it is I do. I explain to you why I'm doing it, as I'm telling you I'm hearing it, as I'm hearing it, I'm believing in it. And I'm a thief. It's humiliating for a thief to have stolen the wrong book.

Wednesday, with 4 days of sobriety, I went to my second meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it was a small discussion meeting. And in that meeting, I heard if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it. And I looked around the room and I looked around the room and I looked around the room and I could not figure out what it was you had that was so hot that I should be willing to go to any length to get it. I mean, look at the person next to you. And once you're sleeping with him, what is it?

I mean, I couldn't figure it out. And then I saw him And I truly believe there's a him for each of us. This guy was a skinny little fellow. He was bald headed. He wore baggy pants.

I don't see baggy pants in Dallas. I'm kind of going through baggy pant withdrawal. I work with teenagers in California. I work with kids who wear pants that have absolutely no relationship to their body size. They wear pants.

I mean, they are so big they could put a homeless I haven't seen any of those since I've been here. I can't wait to get home tomorrow to look at boxer shorts, but his weren't that baggy, but they were baggy. He had tennis shoes on with no shoelaces, but the holes were there where they should have been and he nodded out during the meeting. Well, I quickly assess the situation. I figure he's shooting heroin.

Folks who shoot heroin, not out. And I could probably do this thing and not drink if I could shoot a little heroin. So I found out where he worked and the next day I snuck down to his office and I said, Dick, I have to do this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous to stay out of jail and I don't know how to do it. And he told me go to meetings and read the book and talk to other alcoholics and not drink. So I guarantee you won't get drunk.

And if you don't get drunk, your life will get different. And I'm grateful he told it to me that way. He didn't tell me my life would get better. He didn't tell me my family life would get better, my relationships would get better, my finances would get better, my job life would get better, my sex life would get better. He didn't tell me any of it would get better, and I'm grateful because none of it has.

So so little hope for the newcomer. But it's all gotten different. And as I stand here this morning, I can tell you from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, I have never had it so good. See, I don't know good from bad for me. I'm going to do something I think is bad for me and it generally turns out to be good for me.

And I'm going to do something I think is good for me and it only turns out to be bad for me. And I don't know good from bad for me. I've gone through times in my sobriety where my entire life has fallen apart. I've lost jobs, I've lost relationships, stuff has happened, life has happened, it's been incredibly miserably painful and I'm very dramatic, so I always refer to it as the dark night of the soul. Unless, of course, you're going through it, then I just tell you to get over yourself.

But in those times, if I don't drink and don't die and don't drink and don't die and get beyond it, in retrospect, I've been able to see that every time I thought my life was falling apart, what was really happening is it was falling together. And it had to be exactly that way for God to move me to where he'd have me be. See, I'm the kind of person I I settle for. My life is really, really good and I'm fine with just how it is. And I dig a little rut and I decorate.

And I'm just it's just fine right here, right now. But God has a plan for me beyond my wildest imagination. God has a big, big plan for me. And sometimes to get me out of that rut, I need a little kick in the butt. And that kick in the butt sometimes is painful.

But I don't drink and don't die and don't drink and don't die and get beyond the 2 in retrospect, see, that it had to be exactly that way for God to move me to where he'd have me be. And I believe that old man that morning and I you know what? I don't even know why I believed him, but I but I believed him. My life, it seems to me and this may or may not be true. I got 5 brothers and sisters who have a different perspective than I do.

This may or may not be true, but it seems to me that people hurt me all my life. It seems to me that people disappointed me and they let me down. Seems to me I was hurt as a small child day after day after day. My parents told me they love me anymore than their love and I'd have died. Their love was physically, emotionally, and spiritually abusive.

As a small child, I made a conscious decision that I just don't wanna be hurt anymore. And as a small child, I began to build a brick wall between me and you. I began to build a brick wall to keep you out because I don't wanna be heard anymore. What I never knew about that brick wall is it made me a prisoner inside. I lived behind that wall in isolation and loneliness.

And alcohol didn't allow me to come out and play. Alcohol just made it okay for me to be back there. And I when you live behind a wall like that, you don't believe and you don't trust. And I hadn't believed the human being in a very long time but I believe that old man that morning and I don't know why, I didn't know why then but I know why today. I believed him that morning because of the music of Alcoholics Anonymous.

1 alcoholic talking to another. 1 alcoholic talking to another goes through that brick wall. I went home, I already had the book so I'd open it up and I'd read the line that says most of us are unwilling to admit we are real alcoholics. I'd say amen and close the book and that was reading the book. I'd go down to the Canyon Club in Laguna Beach where they have AA meetings, I'd have a cup of coffee.

On the way out, I'd say hi, Tim to the manager. He'd say, hi, Patty. That was talking to another alcoholic. My court program said I had to go to 2 meetings a week. I thought that was really obsessive but I was willing to go to any lengths of Seattle jail.

And the only thing I did right is I didn't drink. And I didn't drink and I didn't drink and I didn't drink. And I pray God happens to everybody who's knew what happened to me. I've been in pain in the last 29 years. Sometimes life is painful.

I've been in pain in the last 29 years, but I have never been in the kind of pain that I was in 8 and a half months away from my last drink. 8 and a half months away from my last drink, the pain of not drinking and not recovering. Is the greatest pain that I've ever been in. An eight and a half months away from my last drink, that pain drove me to my knees. And on my knees, I took the first step of recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I admitted I was powerless over alcohol that when I drink alcohol, I have no choices. If I don't like the way I live today, if I don't drink, I can choose to live differently tomorrow. But when I drink alcohol, I don't have that choice. When I drink alcohol, I'm damned to live the way I live day after day after day after day. And my life had become unmanageable.

I had no choices in my life. Alcohol controlled every area of my life and I had no choices. And and that day, I believe that I was given the gift of sobriety on October 4, 1975, a gift I wasn't looking for, I didn't want, couldn't wouldn't have even thought of for myself. I was given the gift of sobriety in that day I chose to recover in Alcoholics Anonymous. And the book says these are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery.

My experience is is once I chose to recover in Alcoholics Anonymous, I am required to work the steps exactly the way they're written in the book Alcoholics Anonymous and that day I chose to recover. I wish I could tell you then that I looked at the rest of the steps, worked them all in a minute and a half and skyrocketed to recovery, but that's not my story either. I've never worked any of the steps, so my back was against the wall. The pain was so great. It was do it or die, and I had no other choice.

I have to run out of every other good idea I have before I become willing to look at the next one of the 12 steps of recovery. And I wanna talk about the steps for a minute because that's what happened for me. I believe what it used to be like. We all have the same story. We just acted it out a little bit differently.

What happened for me is the 12 steps recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. There is no way to get from where I was on October 4, 1975 to where I am this morning except to the power and the magic of the 12 steps. Step 2 for me, I I'm a loner by nature. A friend of my hostess will tell you that. I told her her only responsibility was to take me to dinner on Saturday night early enough that I could take a little rest before the Saturday night speaker.

She failed at that, but that was that was her other than that, I don't need to be I'm a loner. I like to be by myself. I like to just wander around alone. I like to sit by myself and watch people. My favorite place to be is on my couch.