The "Easy Does It Group" in Lemon Grove, CA

I'm in Alcohol Queens, Mike. Hey, Mike. Grateful to be sober. Welcome you guys. You're new, relatively new.

Mhmm. Yeah. It's not my favorite thing either, Steve. So you're not alone. Because I always feel self conscious.

Yeah. What I really want is I want everybody to like me, you know, and and, and I know it's not gonna happen. It's just not the way it is in in our college. Because I'm gonna carry my experience, and then some of you are just not gonna jibe with. And to some of you, it's gonna sound like I'm telling you what to do.

And if it sounds like that, then that's what it is, you know. But, you know, I was separated from alcohol August 17, 1989. And, and for that I'm grateful. And, I was talking before the meeting with Greg Darren. And, you know, in early sobriety, I went to meetings the whole time.

You know, I went to meetings like 3, 4 times a day. I got sober up in, El Toro area. Used to be called El Toro. They called Lake Forest now because they're sort of hoity twaty, you know, they change the name. But, it was El Toro.

And I got sober at this little club house, and and I was going basically there, and put a bunch of other meetings. You know, I go to the 6 AM, because I couldn't sleep anyways, you know. So I couldn't wait to get to a 6 AM. Not that I really like, because here's the deal. I go to that 6 AM meeting and and everybody you guys were so happy, you know.

And, you know, oh, Mike. You know, they wanna hug me and have a cup of coffee, and I just get away from me. You know? I was not a people person, you know, especially not at 6 AM. And, and then I'd usually hang out for the 7:30 if I could, if I wasn't working that night that day or or wasn't working till later, and try to get back to the noon, 5:30 every day.

And then usually a later meeting because well, because I had nothing going on in my life, you know. I wouldn't have said that at the time, but that's that's the truth, you know. And, and it was good. It was good for a period of time, you know. I I was separated from alcohol.

I was going to meetings, and and I kept hearing this message, you know, keep coming it gets better. Keep coming back, it gets better. And and the only problem was for me, it wasn't getting any better, you know. This This this this didn't change much, you know. And and I'd come to meetings, and I and I heard all the all the slogans, you know.

Look for the similarities, you know. Don't look for the differences, look for the similarities, but that's not how my mind works, you know. I grew up looking for the differences, you know. In in in my family, the way I grew up was I wanted to I I just wanted to be separate, you know. I wanted to be different.

I wanted to be special, you know. And I didn't feel special, you know. You know, up until probably 5 years of sobriety, like me that much. And and, and and and, you know, my like me that much. And and, and and and, you know, my brother and my sister were my mom's favorites, you know.

Until I until I did, like, my 3rd inventory and, and really, like, the truth and the truth was she spent a lot more time with me because because I was always in trouble, you know. So, whether I was the favorite or not, she spent a lot of time with me, and spent a lot of time with my stuff, you know. And, I don't know. Growing growing up, you know, I just I just my my thinking was just so wrong, and and I can see that today. But when I was school, all school, all I wanted to do was stay wasted.

That's all I cared about, staying wasted, you know. And, and it didn't really matter what I had to do to do it, you know. I mean, I was pretty some people like to call it functional. The book calls it, an actor, you know. I was a good actor, you know.

And I knew what to say, and and who to talk to. And and, you know, I always tried to have some kind of job that would justify my drinking, you know. And, and so by time I got the Alcoholics Anonymous for for the second time, you know, it wasn't the first time. You know, I was pretty well spent, but wouldn't have told you that, you know. I didn't I didn't tell you what I really felt like.

Because how I grew up is we don't talk about that kind of stuff, you know. You don't you don't share that stuff with the neighbors. You don't talk about you don't talk about any of your fears. You know, you're a man. Just buck up, you know.

And, you don't share any of those, character defects or the dark hidden secrets with anybody. Because what happens is, if somebody finds out, they're gonna use it against you, you know. And and so for a period of in in Alcoholics Anonymous, I wasn't sure none of that stuff. What I would do is I would share at least once a day, I would share, some drama that was going on in my life, you know. I was, you know, I was getting that, drama that was going on in my life.

You know, I was, you know, I was getting that, second divorce that it was taking forever, and living with my first ex wife, and trying to force that relationship to work, and and, you know, she wasn't treating me right. And, you know, my boss wouldn't give me a raise because, well, he he told me flat out. I mean, he was honest he was honest as he can be, you know. It was a job that was given to me in sobriety, and, and he told me, he goes, you're you're not gonna be here long. These other guys that I've been giving raises to, they're gonna be with me forever, because they have nowhere else to go, you know.

They're either gonna work in restaurant, or they're gonna work this whole construction deal that I got going. And, and you're gonna be gone. And and the truth was, I was, you know, within within a couple months. But at the time, it was like a big drama, you know. And I would share whatever drama's going on in my life, and a little little tear would come out, you know.

And, because I want you to feel for me, you know. But I wouldn't share the heartfelt stuff, you know. In fact, I wouldn't even I didn't even wanna look at that. And so what happened was after a period of time in sobriety, I was about about 4 months sober. Like I said, going to 3 to 4 meetings.

I thought I would I really thought I was doing the whole deal, you know. I I had a book and I had a sponsor, and my sponsor's basic message was take your time, you know. And I know that's that's some sponsor's messages and I'm not knocking if that's your message. Well, maybe I am. But, for me, it was a message of death, you know, because I was getting sicker.

The longer I was sober, the sicker I was getting. And, because once again, I was looking at the differences. You guys seemed happy. And I wasn't happy, you know. I just wasn't a happy camper, you know.

I come to meetings and I'd see people and they were laughing and they were going to the movies afterwards. And it just appeared like everybody was getting sober, you know, more than physically sober. They were getting emotionally sober, and they were having a good time. And it wasn't happened in my life, you know. And, and what happened is I hit a bottom in sobriety.

It was a Wednesday, a noon meeting. And and I remember going to that meeting. I sat in my customary place right under the clock, you know. I mean, I was like a fixture at this club. I mean, everybody knew me, you know.

That's that's a dangerous time when everybody knows you and they know your name. But, I was sitting under that clock, and and I couldn't stop crying. You know, I was I was just weeping, you know. And and I'm 6 foot 3. I'm a macho man.

I don't I don't cry. I'm not like that. You know, that's ridiculous, you know. And, and I couldn't stop, you know. And and and I wasn't sharing.

I mean, I was just the whole meeting's going on, and I'm just weeping during this whole meeting because I knew it was done. Life was never gonna get any better. My life sucked, and it was not getting better. Sobriety was not working. You guys were lying to me, and and I wasn't drinking.

And and it was tough not drinking, you know. And, and I heard this guy this guy share. He was sitting right across from me and I might have seen him before, I don't know. But I heard him loud and clear, you know. And he had a message that he just hit me right in the heart, you know.

And and it was anything that I I might have heard it before. I might have I might I might have been in the meeting. Somebody else shared it before, but it didn't hit me until then. And the message was I could get better, you know. He shared what it was like for him, what happened, which is probably the most important part, and and what it was like today.

And the truth is his life was no great shakes. He had 3 years of sobriety. He had some crummy car. He had some ugly girlfriend. He had some crummy job, you know.

But he was sober 3 years, you know. And and he was comfortable, and I was not comfortable, you know. And, so after the meeting, you know, my face is still all wet and everything, you know, and and everybody's coming out and looking at me and and, and asked him for his phone. I didn't wanna ask him to be my sponsor because he might say no. So, I still had too much ego for that.

So I asked him for his number, and I couldn't wait. You know, I waited about 10 minutes till he got home and and rushed home and called him up and asked him to be my sponsor. And, and, you know, that more than likely, that guy saved my life, because I needed exactly what he gave me, you know. He gave me explicit direction on what I needed to do. I would call him every day, you know.

Every day. He wanted me to do, you know, just a few things. And most of them I was doing, he wanted me to go to a meeting every day. He wanted me to to, pray every day. He wanted me to read the big book.

He wanted me to to, call him and call another alcoholic, which is probably the hardest thing for me to do, because I was not into calling other people, you know. Because I had nothing to say. I was like I said, I wasn't a people person. You know, I chose this buddy of mine that got sober within 2 weeks of me before. I think he got sober before me 2 weeks.

And, and so I called him. I go, Mark, how you doing? He goes, Good. I go, You go in the meeting? He goes, Yep.

I go, See you there. And that was it, you know. And and that was the, but that was the start, you know. And, and and the sponsor wanted me to work on the steps, you know. He asked me what step I was on, and he didn't give me formal direction the way the way would work with somebody today, but it was enough.

It was enough. And, you know, every day I would call him and and what I wanted to do was talk about her. You know, I wanted, you know, really I wanted a sponsor like I thought my other friends had and maybe they did. I wanted a sponsor who was like the dad that I never had, that would listen to me, that would pat me on the back, and tell me how wonderful I was. And, you know, take my side, you know.

And tell me what a good guy I was. And you're doing good, Mike. And, and I never heard that, you know. I'd start talking about her. And he'd go, well, did you do this?

Did you do that? Yep. What step are you on? And I think, you know, you know what's you're my sponsor. You know what step I'm on.

You know, every day he asked me this. And, he go, okay. See you later. Click. And that was it, you know.

And I think, this sucks, you know. It just didn't appear like I had the relationship that that I wanted. But the truth is that's exactly what I needed, you know. I needed somebody that was no bs. BS.

I needed somebody that was, that would just give the just didn't candy coat it for me, you know. He told me if I wanted to get better, I was gonna have to work the steps, you know. And, and that's what I needed to hear because the truth is where we got sober probably within a 6 month period, there was a few hundred people that came through that club. And some of just maybe some are still sober that I that I don't know of, but, I know of myself, my wife, and maybe like 3 other people that are still sober. And it hasn't been that long.

I mean 15 years, that's that's really not a long period of time. I mean it is it is and it isn't, you know. But, you know, I look at the recovery rate in in in the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, hey, I don't have to guess, and I don't have take anybody's word for it. They wrote it all down for us in these history books, you know.

A comes of age, I think I saw over there, and and Doctor. Bob and the good old timers, and Bill W. Passed it on. They wrote all this stuff down for us, and let us know exactly what it used to be like, and what they had to do. The book tells me specifically why they wrote the book, you know.

To tell me exactly how to recover from alcoholism. And, you know, I thank God that I that I got a hold of that sponsor, because what happened is I got better, you know, slowly, slowly. And I met I met my wife here. You know, I had 6 months of sobriety. I had about 6 months of sobriety.

And I'm going going to all those meetings, you know. Probably like I was telling Greg, pretty high hiding out in AA, but I didn't know any better, you know. And I didn't have nothing else going on. So I'm going to all these meetings, and and I'm not looking for anybody, you know, but, but it just happened, you know. And so so I never tell anybody, you know, that don't date a newcomer or or don't get in a relationship for the 1st year, because I didn't do it.

So I wouldn't I wouldn't relationship for the 1st year, because I didn't do it. So I wouldn't I wouldn't, like, give anybody direction to do anything I didn't do. But but it took a lot of work, you know. We met and and, you know, within a short period of time. Here's here's the truth.

We met. We went on a date, and I asked her to go to a meeting. That was that was our first that was our first our first date, you know. And, it was this little meeting out in Coto de Caza and and I, because in my mind I figured, you know, if she said yes, that she'd go, maybe she just wanted to go to the meeting, you know. And if she said no, maybe she just didn't want to go to the meeting.

So I was safe, you know, emotionally. I was safe either way, you know. And, and she said yes, and we went to this meeting. And and I took her out afterwards to this high class place. You guys know it's Carl's Junior.

And, spent 45¢ on a cup of coffee for her. And and I told her my whole life story, pretty much, you know. I mean, all the dirties, all the dirty stuff. I mean, not not everything, but I mean, and I know what I was trying to do because, you know, it was ridiculous, you know. I mean, here's a beautiful woman, and I'm telling her all this stuff to push her away.

And I told her Alcoholics Anonymous was my life, you know, and if you want to see me, you're gonna have to go to a lot of meetings. And, and she kept coming around, you know. And, you know, we married for a long time now, and it's a pretty good life. It's a pretty good life, but it but it took a lot of work, you know. You know, I look, I go to a lot of meetings still, you know.

I probably go to 10 meetings a week, which to some is a lot, to some it's not. For me it's it's what's working. And and I work with a lot of new guys, and and I see in their eyes the pain that I used to see in the mirror, you know. And I don't want to feel like that again, you know. The truth is I haven't had to.

But I've had to go through a lot of tough times. When I when I was about 4 years sober 4 and a half? 4 and a half years sober, I hit another bottom. And I'm sure it's never gonna happen to you. That's what happened to me though, you know.

I was going to meetings. I was probably going 20 meetings a week that's at that time, you know. I was at service all over the place. I sponsored a bunch of guys. I was, you know, Orange County Service Board.

I was HNI. I was I was Mr. AA, you know. I've been chairman of the club a couple times by then. And and and all of a sudden, I'm sitting in meetings and, you know, I'm just you know, the book talks about rest as irritable and discontent.

That's really what was happening, you know. Tired of the newcomers getting all the attention. Newcomers get all the attention. You know, people go up and hug them and they get all the attention. And I'm tired of hearing them talk, and I'm tired of hearing all the knuckleheads talk that I've known for years.

I've heard their story. I'm sick of it, you know. And and I'm tired of hearing myself, you know. But by then my ego's wrapped up in sobriety. What am I gonna do, you know.

So I figured I'm just gonna keep going to me. I mean I don't I don't have a choice, you know. I got a sponsor that's a good sponsor. And, you know, the truth is, it had been a number of years since I've done any real step work. You know, I was trying to carry a message that, really, I didn't have in my life anymore.

Doctor Tbow wrote about it years ago that our ego rebuilds itself. And and that's exactly what had happened. You know, I was living on this this idea that what I did in the past was good enough to keep me sober. That what, you know, in my mind, and it didn't sound like this, but in retrospect I can see it's all about Mike. Mike goes to meetings.

Mike sponsors guys. Mike's a service. Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike. But you'll be honest, you know. And, you know, I thank God that, I had a buddy come back from Texas.

He had gone to this conference, and and these other hey hey knuckleheads put on this this conference. And and he gave me this set of tapes. And I listened to these tapes and I'm just like in the right place at the right time. I I I start going down the road and I start crying. I hear these guys carrying this message to me through the tape.

And they talked about this concept of relief versus freedom, you know. That most of us, them included, they they hit those bottoms. Most of us settle for relief, you know. We get here, we do a few things. We get some relief.

It feels better. You know? We're not drinking now. You know? If I see a cop in the rearview mirror, so what?

You know, I got insurance now. No. You know, the wife, she let me back in the big bed. I got the job now. Stuff's stuff's doing okay, you know.

And, but that's a far cry from the freedom that's really offered to me, you know. And that, in their opinion, in what seems to be true, what the book talks about, that it's only through this continual surrender. It's only working the steps over and over again that I get to the place where where I'm really connected with this higher power that solves my problems, and that I could feel comfortable. You know, and, and so I got to the place where I was willing to to do the deal again. And the truth is I was surrounded by people who were telling me, you don't need to do that.

Your service, you've done this stuff before, you got to sponsor, you sponsor guys, you don't need to do this. You certainly don't need to ride another 4 step. In fact in fact, there was a old timer, who's gone now and I and I still love him to death and I loved him then. And, his message was if he had to do another 4 step, it would probably kill him. And maybe it would have.

I don't I don't know. I know for me, I had to do another 4 step. I had to do another 5th step. I had to do another 5th step. I had to do had to do another 4th step.

I had to do another 5th step. I had to do I had to do the whole process again, and and see some truths that I didn't wanna see. You know, some stuff that I had still buried even the first time doing the steps. And get to the place that that I really sought out this power greater than myself. You know, the conception that I have today is different than it was back then.

But it doesn't really matter. The book talks about the God, you know, that God doesn't make too hard terms with those who earnestly seek. And, and so that's what I did, you know. I I started doing, for me, it was, opening my mind a little bit, you know. And and and ask in this higher power to come into my life, and and looking at my stuff, and and doing the steps again.

And and things got better, slowly. It's it's always slowly, you know. It's never bad. See alcohol does everything for me. At certain time, it did everything for me that AA does today.

Like, God. You know, I take a drink and that restless, irritable, discontent feeling goes away. Problem is I can't I don't stop at 1 drink. You know, I just drink and drink and drink and create wreckage. Then I, you know, come to and, you know, have this wreckage that I need to try to make amends for.

Well, it's not really amends. Apologies. And, and then I go on another bender, and it goes over and over. The doctor's opinion talks about that. And, and that was my life before.

But today, I do these certain actions and it takes longer to get to that place of ease and comfort, but it lasts, you know. And I don't have any wreckage where I have to make amends for. You know, my life's been continual. You know, maybe I've been blessed. I don't know.

I I know I know I got friends that just don't have to do this, what I do. They just don't, you know. And they appear to be comfortable, you know, and they're they're going to meetings, 1 or 2 meetings a week. I got good friend of mine that goes to 1 meeting a week, and, and he's worked the steps a couple times, but he goes to 1 meeting a week. He sponsors 1 guy, and, and he seems to be fine, you know.

I know for me, I just couldn't do that, you know. I I had to it's just like my life before. I had to do this thing full on, you know. And, and I've been placed in a in positions over and over. My my ego has placed me, you know, in positions over and over again where, where I had to surrender, you know.

We talked about self imposed crisis here in this book, you know. And I as I look back, I never think it's a self imposed crisis until I get on the other side. I always think it's you guys, you know. She did something. They did something.

Somebody said something. It's always you. It's never me, you know. Till I get on the other side, and I see it was me all along. And, and so I've I've been placed in these positions where I just had to surrender.

You know, we were married for for a few years, and, and we had a couple couple kids. And and, and once again, you know, I I I thought I was I thought I was doing doing everything, and and it's it's not that I've been blindsided by stuff. That's what I thought at the time, you know, that I'm blind sided with stuff. But some stuff came up in our marriage. I thought everything was great.

If you would ask me, I said, it's fine. Our relationship's fine. There's nothing wrong here. I'm going to 15 to 20 meetings a week, you know. She's going to a couple meetings a week, you know, and and raising the kids.

And and by that time, I got a real job, you know, which I didn't have for for, you know, a number of years. And and and some some issues came up in in our relationship that, that I was forced to look at, you know. And I didn't want to look at that, you know. And she's telling me stuff like, you know, all her girlfriends and and, this is this is the this is the best thing. I forget the verbiage they were using.

This is gonna be the best thing for you. Your Your relationship's gonna be stronger. It didn't feel like it at the time, you know. What it felt like is we were gonna split up. That's what it felt like.

And, if once again, if I would've list to if I would've listened to most of the people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, we probably would've split up, you know. Because there was people surrounding me telling me she's wrong, and blahdy blahdy blahdy, and you deserve better, and look at everything you do, and and all that. And and I know she told me she was surrounded by people telling her exactly the same thing. You're right. He's wrong.

All this, you know. But, but we didn't, you know. And, and and once again, I had to I had to hit the place of surrender where I was willing to look at my car. And and everything that we've been through, I can honestly say everything we've been through has been a blessing. And we've been through numerous things.

You know, my daughter is, 23 now and, from my from my first marriage. And, you know, when we first when we first got together and and then we got married, I had this sponsor, you know, the the latex hall, a great man. He continued to tell me, Mike, this daughter is gonna wanna come live with you. And I thought, Mike, this daughter is gonna wanna come live with you. And I thought, old man, you're crazy, you know.

I wouldn't tell him that, but that's what I thought. You know, you're crazy. She doesn't want she's living with her mom. Her mom lets her do whatever she wants to do. We don't have any money or anything.

What does she want to come live with us for? But he told me that if you continue to put these principles in your life, you continue to to, be consistent in your life, that's gonna be attractive to her. And, and it was, you know. And if you're a few years later, she would she she came and asked to live with us, you know. And, and that was a struggle for both of us, you know.

And and I know it was a struggle on her on the relationship with his daughter who who continued to try to get us to choose sides and and try to separate us. And and, you know, I was talking I was talking with, one of my relatives. It's been tough, you know. So right has been tough, you know. Rye has been real tough.

It's been real good too. It's been real good. You know, we got we got 2 boys, 13 and 11, that have never seen either one of us drink and, you know, instead of this black sheep that I used to think I was, you know, my mom, one of the reasons I I moved back to San Diego was because my mom's down here and, you know, I'm I'm I'm able to be there for her and to listen to and her and to listen to and and and to do things with her. She went with us last year on vacation, and she's going with us again in in about 3 weeks or 4 weeks. Up to Canada on vacation and, you know, Soraya has given me this, you know.

I was not I was not the kind of guy in fact, in my world, I was never I was gonna get married again. I mean, there's no doubt because that's the way I always was. I was getting married, but I was never gonna own a home because I didn't want the responsibility. You know, I was never gonna, you know, like, pay my taxes when they're supposed to be paid or anything. I mean, I was always living on the edge, you know.

And and, and even in early sobriety, I just wanted nothing to do with being a regular Joe. But when I was about, 2 years sober, years I don't know. I was sober a little while. We we had already been to get been together, but I don't think we're married yet. I actually voted for the first time.

See, that might not be a big thing to you, but to me that was a big thing. In fact, I gave the gal I gave the gal my voter, you know, the the ballot and everything and I'm crying. And she wanted to know what was wrong, you know. And she just didn't understand, you know. I'd never been a part of society before.

I didn't wanna be a part of society. I mean, I've been, you know, I had regular jobs and stuff, but in my mind, I was not a part of you guys. I was different. I was separate, you know. And I never wanted to be a part of you.

And and Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the opportunity to become a part of rather than apart from. You know, if you're new or relatively new and and so I could I could tell you all about all these drunkalogs and all these things from from early from early on, from the from the age of 3 when I when I climbed up the the kitchen counter and got the big thing of cough syrup that had alcohol and codeine and chugged half of it and and me and my brother take a a sip of it And they rushed us to the hospital and got our stomachs pumped. Or, you know, the time when I was 9 years old and and went down to the the I don't know if it was Circle k or 711 or whatever it was, and got some knucklehead that was over 21 to buy us a 6 pack of beer. That's amazing to me. But he did, you know.

I gave him $5. He gave me a 6 back, and he kept the change. So he was happy, I guess. I mean, you know, Eddie, if not I mean, I can just go on all these drunk drunk a lot stories and tell you all this stuff. This it should happen, you know, the marriages and stuff.

But if that didn't happen to you, you're not gonna identify with that. Yeah. Because it really doesn't matter what I did to get here. The truth is I got here and I didn't even wanna be here, you know. I got here, like I said, on August 17, 89, and and I came on a flu.

You know, I'd been to Alcoholics Anonymous before and and, I was living with a relative and and and there were some there were some stuff going on in the house there. You know, I had my first ex wife, my daughter, and myself living in this relative's house. And and, he he was going on these benders and disappearing. And and so I'm stuck there with his kids, and his wife, and my first ex wife, you know. It was just a nightmare, you know.

And I'm trying to hide my drinking. I was I was probably only drinking maybe a 12 pack a day, which that was it's nothing. You know what I mean? A 12 pack a day is nothing, but I don't know why I had to hide it, but I always, you know, had to, like, sneak out and put bottles to different places. But but the, you know, the truth is I was getting pissed because he wasn't taking me with him on his benders, you know.

And, and a phone call came one morning. It was him and he needed a ride because he couldn't drive. And and, and his wife told me go pick him up and don't come back. Don't bring him back, you know. And and and something told me when I got there, you know, that I better call call her and tell her, you know, well, I'll take him to Alcoholics Anonymous.

That's the only thing I can think about. I'll take him to Alcoholics Anonymous. Well, the truth is I was trying to protect myself probably too because I didn't you know, if he got kicked out of the house. Where was I gonna go? You know, I'm living in that house too, you know.

She probably doesn't want me around. And, and so we went to Alcoholics Anonymous that night. And and I remember that meeting. It was in this we lived in this private community up there in Coto de Caza. And there was a little meeting in the clubhouse there.

And and and we went in, and there was it was probably about this size. There was, like, 15 or 20 people there. And and I hadn't been around AA for three and a half years. You know, I've been drinking and and doing other stuff stuff and create more wreckage for 3 and a half years, you know. I've gotten, you know, married and divorced again, and and all this stuff, you know.

And, and I show in this meeting and and, and you're so happy to see me, you know. And I totally forgot what it was like, you know. I I had forgot that when AAs look at you and they ask you how you're doing, they really wanna know, you know. How are you doing, you know. And and and when they when they laugh, laugh, they're most of the time, they're really laughing.

It's not some phony you know, I was in sales. I mean, I was used to the phony laugh, and everything was phony to me. But here, these people were they were so real they almost glowed. I mean, it was like it was like a surreal experience to me, you know. And, and it was scary.

It was really scary, you know. But it was attractive too. And I knew this is probably what I should be doing. I'm missing out on something here. And, and so that's when I started doing, you know, what I told you I I was doing.

Going to all these meetings and, you know, I had to hit every bottom, you know. I, for me, I I I think my perception is I think God puts me in that continual place. My ego grows, and then I just get, sort of, like, slapped upside the head, because I get too uppy, you know. And and I think I'm doing it myself. And and that's not what we're supposed to be doing.

I don't believe that's not what the book tells me. In fact, I hear a lot of stuff in meetings. Like I said, I go to a lot of meetings still, and I hear a lot of stuff that that just doesn't coincide with the program that I read in the book and the program that I have to work. I was in a meeting today and it was a step meeting and they were talking about the 8 step. And like I said earlier, if this if if you think I'm talking to you, you know, maybe I am, maybe I'm not, but, there's all kinds of opinions thrown out about the 8 Step, you know.

And, and this guy I love, he's got like 33 years, you know. He was asked to share and and it's a podium participation. And and, his basic message was, you know, that, his suggestion would be put yourself on the basic message was, you know, that, his suggestion would be put yourself on the top of the list, you know, on that 8 step. And, that you need to make amends to yourself first, and and, you hurt yourself more than you hurt anybody else, and it just doesn't coincide with what I read in the book, you know. You know, it talks about Mike's problem, selfishness and self centeredness.

That we think is the root of the problem. And it says that I must be rid of this. I muster it kills me. And it gives me specific directions on how to do this and and to get rid of this selfishness for a period of time. And, I I think it's a it's a selfless program.

It's not a selfish program. And I just have to see think of things a certain way because I know I think where my passion comes from more than anything is is I don't wanna die drunk. I just don't, you know. I don't wanna die drunk. I don't I don't wanna put my wife through, having a husband going out and drinking.

I don't want my kids to see me that way. I don't wanna create that wreckage. I don't want my mom crying crying anymore about where's Mike, you know, and and how come he hasn't called? We were talking before the meeting. You know, there was a time when I was in the Air Force.

I didn't call her for, like, 3 months, you know. Now there was nothing going on in my life. I was busy. I was drinking every day, you know. And I'm and I'm working and I'm drinking.

I'm working and I'm drinking, and and I didn't have any thought for my mother, you know. Why would I call why would I call my I don't need my mom anymore, you know. I mean, I just had no thought for her. Selfish and self centered. And so she had to call my 1st sergeant and see if I was okay.

That conversation didn't go real well when he called me in his office, you know. And, but that's just the way I was, you know, and and today it's not like that. Uh-huh. Today I got a good life. And like I said at the beginning, I I wanna be liked by everybody, but I know it's not gonna happen.

You know, I got a strong personality, and and and I've been told that, and and and there's certain people think I'm preaching at them, and, and the truth is they don't wanna do the deal, you know, or they don't have to do the deal. You know, not every Alcoholics Anonymous is an alcoholic. There's a lot of people, there's friends of mine that do not have to do this deal. They come into the rooms, they drink the coffee, they do the fellowship, and they're just fine, you know. Coffee, they do the fellowship, and they're just fine, you know.

Leat least it appears to be from the outside. I really don't know what's going on, but they appear to be just fine. And, I know from my experience, I just can't do that, you know. I I have to do the I have to do the whole deal. But as a result of that, that, my life is is different than it's ever been.

We have a quality of life today that I just wouldn't give up. All the all the stuff we've gone through, all this wreckage that we've done even in sobriety, have been learning experiences for me, you know. And and I'm just barely learning how to be an adult. I'm 46 years old, and I'm barely learning how to be an adult. It's amazing.

I got grown. I got a grown child, my 3rd marriage, and I'm finally learning how to have a relationship, you know. My wife my best friend. 5 years ago I couldn't have told you that. My wife is not my best friend.

Come on guys, you know. She would say that to me. I couldn't say that to her because it wasn't the truth, because I didn't I didn't I didn't say that to her. I didn't that to me. I couldn't say that to her, because it wasn't the truth.

Because I didn't I didn't I didn't know how to have a relationship with a woman, you know. I mean, a real relationship, you know. And and it appears to be attractive to other people. I had I think it was about 3 years ago when my my first ex wife called and, and we got through a lot of wreckage together. A lot of wreckage.

In fact, you know, I was sober for for some time and, she come over and she she just she broke into our house one time and, you know, we had to call the cops and everything. I mean, there's all there's all kinds of wreckage, you know. And and and it wasn't always one side. I don't wanna make it appear like it was all her because it wasn't, you know. In fact, when I when I got sober the first time I made those amends, I'd made made that list.