The NA Speaker Jam for the East of the Bay Area's 14th anniversary

Yeah. So I wanna wanna recognize the use of the Bay Area for 14 years as an area that's pretty impressive. You know, I grew up in this area, and this is where I was born and raised. Spent the first, 23 years of my life here in the, in the East of Bay Area. Recently moved away a couple years ago.

You know, it's a it's an honor and a privilege anytime to do a narcotics anonymous meeting. It's always something that I've been willing to do. You know, I've always been excited about sharing my experience, strength, and hope. You know, where I came from, I really wasn't asked to talk much. And I didn't really need to talk much other than to say, who's got it or how do I get it?

You know, and you know, and and and to be asked to do to do this meeting is is even more of, of an honor, more so than a privilege job. You know, to come back here in the area that I got clean in and be asked to to speak at an anniversary meeting. That's that's, it's it's an awesome feeling. You know, I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks now and and, you know, I couldn't, I couldn't ask for a better place to speak at, you know.

I know there's there's a lot of people here and and, I'm sure there's a lot of people here from the east of the bay. So I think I think if you're from the east of the bay or not, you should give yourself a round of applause right now for helping East of the Bay area make it to 14 years. Figure we we clap for people when they get a year clean and 2 years clean and 14 years clean. Why not an area? So, you know, I'm just trying to, like, give myself a chance here to put my ego out to the side and allow God to come through me.

Sometimes he gives me an opportunity to act on my will, and, and I'm just trying to allow him this process, you know, this, this is kinda it's kinda surreal, man. I'm sitting up in front of a bunch of people with the podium in front of me. You know, I know how I'm supposed to get my ego out of the side when I ego out of the side when I got this podium sitting in front of me like like I'm important and I'm I'm standing above you all here. I'm not real comfortable with that because I'm right on the some of you know my story, some of you don't. I grew up in a in a very, very, misled family.

I wouldn't even call them dysfunctional because really I don't know too many families that were functional. I really still don't to this day. Like, I know that me and my wife try to try to raise our children to the best of our ability. But, we didn't have the best teachers, and I think that we we fall short sometimes, but, hello? That's okay.

God's calling me. So so, you know what? Let me let me let me step back a second. I'm a also, recognize something else here tonight. You know, my beautiful wife, Mary, over there just had 7 years clean last night.

That's that's a that's a that's a really awesome achievement. I love you. She's gonna she's gonna get me for that one later. You know, but, like I was saying, you know, I I grew up in a in a in a in an environment that wasn't conducive to like, to to healthy relationships. My mother and father were both very involved in drugs, the whole lifestyle, the whole scene.

I grew up, I grew up in in in seeing a lot of violence and and a lot of hatred and lot of anger between the 2 people that I thought were supposed to love each other. The 2 people that I thought were supposed to provide for me and be there for me and show me how to grow up. They hated each other. You know? On any given night, I could wake up and watch them beating the hell out of each other with pots and pans.

It wasn't it wasn't something it wasn't some you know, and this is the screw up part about that is that, like, I grew used to it. I was okay with the fact that they hated each other that much. I thought that that's how people showed that they loved each other. Because I saw it all the time. We lived a fairly normal life in my eyes.

I didn't see any other difference. You know, you know, I remember being a I remember being a child and and, and and watching the drug dealers come in and out of the house and, you know, and and deals being made and and, you know, anytime that there was a deal. I always knew when it was a big deal when there was a shotgun on the table. And I remember I remember hiding underneath the bed and and I would read through my flashcards when I was, like, in kindergarten and 1st grade. And I would just hide under the bed with a flashlight, reading through my flashcards, teaching myself how to read while my style that I lived.

That was who I I I was becoming. And, you know, I remember when I was like 7 years old, my father jumped out of a 3rd story window on, right off of Main Street on on Ken Island for any of you all that are around here. Jumped out of a 3rd story window, hopped up on PCP after he pointed a gun to my mother's head, and I watched him get up and run away. I have a I have a younger brother, and, and I we woke up one morning after my parents had been in a daze, and the phone was ringing for hours and hours, but nobody would pick it up. Nobody woke up at my house at a reasonable time.

You know, I would wake up in the morning and I would get the get the antenna ears going so I could try to buy some cartoons. And, and the phone was constantly ringing and people were knocking on the door. Nobody was answering the door. My brother had crawled out when he was 2 years old, the 2nd story window and slid down. And he was walking around outside and nobody knew, you know.

The neighbors had, like, found him and brought him back in the morning. You know, for years, like, I used to, like, go out there and that was my picture of what a God was. Because you could see the fingerprints sliding down the White House where my brother had slid down at 2 years old. You know, this isn't just right outside the window, jumped down from here. This is all this is 2 stories up.

You know, I always believed there was a god at that moment. You know what I mean? Because and the cinder blocks. He landed on cinder blocks, and he didn't have a scratch on. You know, he was walking.

He was walking around. But that's the kind of lifestyle that I lived. You know, I don't tell you that because I I want to make you feel like my life was horrible. Mind you, I really believe that that was a normal life. I was okay most of the time, you know.

And, but it wasn't so normal. And, you know, and as I grew up, I went I was I was in school and they used to give those their programs, you know, say no to drugs type stuff. And I really believe, like, man, I'm never doing drugs, you know. I see what it's doing to my family. I see what it's done and and the people that surround my life, you know.

I never do drugs. I'd love to probably be sitting up here telling you that I never did drugs, but you probably wouldn't ask me to come out here otherwise. You know, and really, like, for a long time, I blame my parents. I blame my father for the way that he raised me. I blame my mother for for the things that she did to me growing up.

I blamed my family for the way that I was when really, I was taught at a very young age what not to do firsthand. I can't blame them for what was done to me and who I became. I became who I chose to become. You know? I had the decision on that day when the bullies down the street that used to beat me up every day at the bus stop, say, here, you wanna get high with us?

I had a choice that day to be calm and fit in or get beat up again and go on about my day and I chose to get high. I got beat up anyway. Yeah. All I wanted to do ever in my life was fit in. You know, I heard Rick.

I got a I got a I got a tape of Rick that I listen to every once in a while, you know. He said something real profound and and, you know, I've heard a couple people say, you know, I was never strong enough. I was never tall enough. I never jumped high enough. I never ran fast enough.

I wasn't the right color. I wasn't ever anything but me, you know, and that was never good enough. Not in my eyes. I always wanted to be you. I always wanted to have what you had, but I had what I had.

And I felt like my hand was shit, you know, and I wasn't okay with it. And, you know, and I made that decision to use. I made that decision to use and I took I tell you what, I got higher than I ever have got. You know, I used to think back, like, when I was when I was getting high, like, those old cliches of, like, you're you're chasing that first high. And when I was getting high, I was like, man, I'm always high.

You know, now that I look back at it, I don't know that I ever got so high in my entire life than that first high. And when I first introduced that drug into my body, it was the most powerful feeling I've ever felt in life. I was tall enough. I was strong enough. I was the right color.

I could jump high enough. I could run fast enough. I was the man. Meanwhile, I got beat up, you know. But I'm still the man, you know.

I didn't care what you thought about me anymore. You know. And and I felt like I had some power. And, you know, moving about my life, I I started to, started to act just like my parents showed me not to, you know. At a very young age, I thought that in order to do drugs and to have this persona, you had to do other things.

You had to be hard. You had to be tough. You had to fit in. You have? I had to build this persona that I was the toughest person around.

Grew up in Cloverfield. Okay? I know some of you don't even know a clover fields is, but just think of the name of the town clover fields. Okay? I tried to turn that place into a straight up ghetto.

I really, really did. You know, like, we we there was a bunch of guys. And I tell you what, I now live out in Owens Mills and, and I and I go to meetings in the city and around the area, and I see some really hardcore people. And I tell you what scares me. I'm not so scared of driving down to Christian Street and hitting the meeting in in the heart of the city.

I'm not so afraid of that. I'm afraid of Cloverfield when I was a kid. We were kids that watched movies about thugs and gangsters and score face type shows and try to reenact it. The guys in the city are street smart. Smart.

They grow up living that way. I was trying to react the scene from a movie. That's scary. We were willing to do whatever it took to look hard, to look bad, to have this persona that you couldn't touch us in Cloverfields. Christian Street's got a good name to it.

Cloverfield is not so good. You know, and and you know, and I I just continue to to to do whatever was necessary to get high and to be this person. And, you know, and like I said, there were some things that I felt like I had to do to be hard to be to be in touch with this this world, this drug world that I believed existed right in front of me and and, and it got me in a whole lot of trouble. You know, we had a hotel party and, and it was at this place called the Sleep Inn, kinda not too far from here. It's been renamed and changed since then, but, you know, there's a lot of people with this party and and and, and it was, it was like in February of 96, like the 1st week in February.

So so, you know, a good 9 years from now or something like that. I mean, it was a blizzard. It was a real bad blizzard that night. And I don't mean just a snowstorm, like, you know, we get 2 inches of snow around these parts and people can't drive on the roads. I'm talking about it.

It was snowing hard. And, and a bunch of us got into this hotel party and we were we were doing our thing. And like I said, man, I felt like I had to be this man, this drug dealer, this person that you were afraid of. And I'm sitting on the toilet in the back of the hotel like it's a throne, like it's like it's the drug capital of the world. And I'm dealing out drugs from this bathroom.

And and, you know, midway through the night, like, everybody was was all, you know, hopped up on whatever they were on. And, and I guess some people got hungry, so they went and they broke into the vending machine. They just ripped the window clear off the front of it, took everything out, and brought it back, and put it in the room. And, and then nobody ate it, because nobody was really hungry. So it just sat there, and we kinda wound up throwing it in drawers and stuff like that, and it was all over the room.

And the next morning, like, it you know, the sudden kinda came out and the snow stopped and people started leaving and there's a handful of us still left there. About 4 of us still left there. My wife got lucky. She left about 15 minutes earlier and, knock knock knock on the door and, and it was the police. And, and we open up the door and we're like, you know, yes officer.

But we've given out on my loan. I'm still wasted. I was wasted for days after that. And, I laugh. I can't even tell the story without laughing to myself.

So it's a funny story to me. If you don't laugh at this story when I'm done, it's really gonna offend me. So please pretend to laugh. Okay? So the cop so the cop knocked on the door and he said, look, we had a break into the vending machine last night and we're just, you know, we're going around to see if anybody saw anything.

No officer. We ain't yeah. We just we just been hanging out here, you know, watching some TV, you know. We're all really young, you know. I think there was one of us that was 18, you know.

I'm not and with 4 guys. So sure the cop was thinking either something weird is going on with you guys or there's something else going on here with some drugs. Maybe something's going on here. So we went ahead and let the officer in. And mind you, we saw him pull up.

We saw the car and we, like, started hiding all the candy. Like, getting it. I'm putting it under the bed, under the mattress, washing candy down the toilet, peanuts, Cracker Jacks, everything. Hiding it in the in the in the bathtub. I'm I'm telling you, we were hiding some candy.

There was a lot of freaking candy and nobody ate any of it. Whole freaking vending machine. And, so, you know, he comes in and and he's like, you know, have you guys seen anything? And we were like, no. We we haven't seen anything.

And he was like, well, that's funny. You guys are the only one staying in this hotel. Damn. So so, you know, he started, you know, he started he started, like, searching around, and he was, like, yeah. I see some peanuts on the floor over there.

That's kinda interesting. And so they started searching the room. They had enough reason, I guess, at that point to search the room, and they started finding candy. And, but the but the the screwed up part is that we were so involved in hiding the illegal pocket. Pocket.

Everything in my pocket. And, you know, some guys had had hit some stuff, like, in really stupid spots, like, opened up a drawer and threw the stuff in there. And so, you know, immediately, we're cuffed, you know, we're taken down to the police barracks in in Centerville and and arrested. And and, and I thought it was a fun game at this point. Like, it didn't even register with me.

I just committed a crime and was arrested for the first time in my life. You know, I thought it was fun. I was in the jail cell. Now mind you, I was still really, really high. It was a cut.

I'm dancing. I'm still hearing music in my head, and I'm I'm dancing in the cell and I'm singing, like like Eddie Murphy. You know, I'm singing Roxanne at top of my lungs, and I thought it was funny. Life hit me in the face that day. You know, for any of you all that are local around here, there's a there's a newspaper called The Bay Times.

It's like a little area newspaper and, you know, write it write in that newspaper the next day when it came out, there was a nice little headline that said something like, candy trail leads to drug arrest. Because, all the facts I told you were like that it was snowing and we stole some candy and we were all high and, you know, there was only a couple pairs of footprints leading from the vending machine back to our room through the snow. Everybody dropped candy the whole way there. And it was like it was, you know, it was a cop's dream to show up there and go, this is gonna be easy one. Yeah.

K. Let's let's play with these guys a little bit and see what we can get going. You know, and and that was, like, my first that was, like, my first, I'm I'm really happy that you guys laughed a little bit about that. That was, like, my first introduction with the law. And, and it didn't stop there.

That was just the beginning, you know. I was dealing drugs out of my mother's house. She didn't care because she would steal my shit and, you know, and upset me about it a little bit, but my mom's way grounded me. My mom's way grounded me when when we were getting high was was that she used to steal my stuff, you know. You didn't go to school today.

Taking your shit. Yeah. 2 weeks later, I'd go back in the room, like, searching for what she's got left. It'd be a quarter. And I'd ask her about it.

What'd you do, mom? Flushed most of it down the toilet. No. You didn't. No.

You didn't. I asked my mother before I came here if I could you know, if there are certain stories that my mother's involved in that that she's okay with me. You know, my mother, my mother's coming up on 2 years clean in the other fellowship. Yeah. I'm really proud of her.

And, and so, you know, like, I would I would deal drugs out of my mother's out of the front window of my mother's house in Cloverfield. And I would I would I would open the window. And after some time, I I bought a open and close sign because people were coming to the window and I I went to knocking on the window when I was sleeping. And, and, like, I was really starting to feel like I was this kingpin, like, I was this big deal guy. I wasn't.

I'm telling you straight up. Like, I'm not telling you this because it makes me feel like I'm a better person. I'm I wasn't. I wasn't cool. I wasn't hip.

I wasn't slick unless you consider it, you know, terminal. Hip. I wasn't slick unless you consider it, you know, terminal and fatal. And and I guess what had happened was the cops said, you know what? He wants to look like this big deal guy.

Let's make him feel like a big deal guy. And, and we pulled in the driveway one night. My brother was like 9, I think at the time or 10. And, he was the only one home. And, we pulled in the driveway.

Soon as I got out of the car, there was a gun to my head and and I was I was stripped naked, basically, in in my in my driveway. And, and and it was the cops. They were they were searching the house. And we went into the house and the house was a wreck. They flipped stuff.

They broke stuff. They just were destroying the house. Meanwhile, my 9 year or 10 year old brother had a gun to his head while he laid on the floor as well. And they found all my stuff and and they arrested me and gave me a bunch more charges. And that was that was another introduction to the law.

And like doing this whole time, like, I would think that, like, maybe maybe a normal person that that was getting involved in this type of stuff would say, wow. This is this is bad. This is stuff I shouldn't be doing. And I'll tell you what, they left a bottle of Aftershock with the only thing that they left in my entire room, and I drank that shit as soon as they were gone. You know, there was no thought about not using in my head.

It was never, you know, it was never a thought in my head of could it be the drugs, like it talks about in the basic text. Could it be the drugs? It was never a thought of that. People were always on my back. It was because my family had a rep and and everybody wanted to hurt me and and and get me next, you know.

There's always somebody else's fault. And, you know, and, and what what basically happened was I I got in a fight at school one day and I I left and and I came back to school and and I don't really know. There's a long story there about me just never going to school anyway. So for me to go twice in one day was kinda weird. And when I showed up to school the second time, there was a drug counselor standing at the doorway.

She looked at me. She was like, mister mayor, we've been waiting for you. I wanted to see you. She called me down to the office and, she sat me down in the nurse's office and she started talking to me. And she was like, so I heard you've been arrested a couple of times.

And, and I was like, yeah. She looked at me. She said, you're high right right now, aren't you? How do you lie to somebody when the staring you right in your eyes, 2 feet away, asking you if you're high? It's really difficult.

I've done it a 1000000 times, but it was difficult that day. It was difficult every time, but for some reason, something in me said, yeah. And I looked at her and I said, I'm a bad person. And I really felt that way when I said it and she looked right back at me and she said, no, you're not bad. You're sick.

And, and you know, for some of you all, that might not mean anything. For me, that touched my heart that day and it still touches my heart today. There's cold chills on the back of my neck every time I say that. Because I really, really believe that I was bad. I really believe that the way I was raised was to be this person.

I was shit. The disease had caught up to me. And so what a real guidance counselor and drug counselor in a school, especially in a high school was supposed to do is you're supposed to be taken down to the principal's office. You're supposed to be arrested. You're supposed to be expelled from school.

You're high in school. You have drugs on you. You're in trouble. That's what's supposed to happen. This lady took me to the bathroom.

She washed my hair with the soap that was in the, you know, Jen saw a picture of me when I used to have hair and it wasn't that pretty. But she washed my hair with some soap right from the bathroom because I didn't really clean myself that often. And, and she sprayed me with some perfume to clean up the smell on me. And, she told me she wanted to see me in one week. She wanted me to be clean for 1 week.

You know, I don't know about you and how you got here and what happened to you, but nobody had ever given me a second chance in my entire life. And I mean that. On the baseball felt. I was playing baseball without contacts or glasses for years, and I struck out every time I got up. And when I went back to the bench, the coach was like, you know, I was the right fielder.

I was the guy who you had to start because they paid for their freaking ticket or whatever. But you weren't any good. You know, and they let me know I wasn't any good. Living in the family that I lived in, I never got a second chance. My parents didn't ever, like, really treat me good.

They didn't ever check my homework. They didn't ever do anything in that respect. I never was given a second chance, sir. I was never given a second chance in my entire life. I was given a second chance that day, and I knew it.

And I went home that night and for the first time since I had started getting high, I thought about it. And I thought about it. So you know what, I'm not gonna get high. I'm not gonna get high. I went to bed and I got up and I got high and it broke my heart.

It hurt me so bad inside that I had no control over the drugs anymore. And I I told myself all through that day, I was just gonna do it that once. And I got high later that day as soon as I came down and I was like, man, I don't have any control, man. I was like telling my buddies, like, I ain't got no fucking willpower. I'm a puss, man.

Can't do shit on my own. I went back in front of her a week later and she said, did you stay clean for the week? And I said, I said, no. I tried, I couldn't do it. And she looked at me and she was like, yeah, I didn't expect you to stay clean.

She said that has nothing to do on you. You know, I just wanted to see if you had it in you, but she said you've got a problem. And what I thought was true is true. And, on April 24th 1996, I got clean. I went to a rehab and I've never I have not used since then.

And, and every day has been a blessing. Every day has been a new a new journey, a new it's it's it's been great. You know, I went to this rehab up in the mountains and, and I tell you what, like, I didn't like get clean because I wanted to get clean. Seriously, I just got clean because, like, number 1, I was about to go up for all these court these these charges in front of this judge that judge before I left and I and I, like, looked at him and and, up in front of this judge before I left. And I and I, like, looked at him.

And and he looked at me, and I said, you know, my my my my public defender, said, you know, he would like he would like to go to a rehab first. I'm, you know, I I wish I had a nickel for every judge that heard every time a judge heard that. Scott, that's, like, the first thing anybody ever says to a judge. You know? But he was like, alright.

Good. Let's send him let's send him away to this rehab, see if he can get get some help. And then he, like, did one of these numbers with his glasses, and he looked across the table. And he was like, mister mayor, when you're done in this rehab, I'm a charge you for all this anyway. Damn.

So now I gotta go to rehab and come back and still get locked up. You know, the whole reason I was doing this was so I didn't get locked up. But I went to this rehab, and I sat in and I became that perfect patient since day 1. Like, I don't really wanna say day 1 because I was was pretty sick for a couple days. But I but I but I became this perfect patient.

I would sit in the groups and I would tell you all about how you can better your recovery. Yeah. And what you can do to resolve your issues. Never telling you about me. Never giving you any information about me.

And and and it came back to bite me, man. You know, I had about 90 days clean. Something inside of me was starting to say as soon as you get out of here, you're gonna get high. Soon as you go back there, you're gonna get high. You have done nothing little white table in the rehab, and I and I thought about it, and I and I decided that I was gonna share in this meeting.

I'd never raised my hand. I've never shared. I don't know what the first time was, like, for you when you first shared in a meeting. That was, was, like, getting hot for me. But I sat at this table and I processed for 2 hours what I was gonna say.

It was very short and it was very simple. And she walked past me. And this is my first introduction with with the second step. You know, I wasn't really working like steps with the sponsor at that time, but it was my first introduction with the second step. Looking back in retrospect.

And, it was crazy up in my head. I was insane. And she walked by and she was humming this song. And this song was a song that I haven't heard for like, at that point in time, 10 years. You know, when my mom was like cleaning for days, she would me this lullaby.

It's this Irish lullaby. And, and I've never heard it before other than from my mother. She was the only one that sang it. And for some reason, like, I believe it was, like, passed down through, like, my family or something real spiritual like that and shit. But, like, I had this I have but I've never heard it before so I kinda, like, really did believe this.

She was humming this Irish lullaby when she walked past me. And, like, everything in my body at that moment just kinda chilled as she walked by. And I realized at that moment, like, just do what you gotta do. You know, it might not mean anything to you and it might not have any impact on your story. But for me, it was like the moment that I and I went to that meeting and and I started I I was ready to share at the end of the meeting.

And and it was like a minute left. And and I was I was ready to raise my hand. And the guy next to me, Mike, he raised his hand and he shared. And I was so pissed off because it was gonna be no time for me. And see, this is where the 3rd step finally hit me.

2nd 1st, 2nd and 3rd step hit me all in one day and the 3rd step hit me. And Mike raised his hand and he shared. He said, my name is Mike, and I'm an addict. I'm about to get out of this rehab. I'm afraid of getting high.

Please help me. He was done. Mike shared exactly how he's gonna share. And I'm not telling you this because it's some spiritual story. I'm dead serious.

Mike shared word for word what I was gonna share except for his name. And the third step hit me. You see, I didn't realize this at this time. I was still kinda pissed at Mike after the meeting, but I kinda followed him around and, you know, me too. I feel like I'm gonna get a vaccine.

And, And, but but looking back, like, the second step, like, hit me and it was, like, you know, God was there and he was restoring me to sanity. He was just saying, do it. And then the third step hit me and it was like, God said, when you're willing to do the work that I put in front of you, I'm a make it easier for you. I'm a show you people who have done this and who are willing to do it the same way that you are. So you always have to feel like the monkeys only trust your back, you know.

And, and I went away to a longer term rehab and and and I stayed in that facility for for another, like, 9 months. So by the time I got out, almost had a year clean and thought I was king shit when I came to the east of the Bay area. And, a lot of people in this place are still here from when I got clean. And I was a punk kid with different hair every week and baggy pants down to my knees. I still have that persona.

I still have that look, and you still weren't gonna touch me. I was still harder and stronger than anybody in here. And I remember coming to a meeting 1 night and bitching about how it was all my father's fault. And somebody said, you should be grateful to have a father because my father is not alive anymore. And I picked up the chair that I was sitting in.

I threw it across the room because you weren't gonna talk to me like that. You weren't gonna treat me like that. I went to another another meeting a couple weeks later. I started bitching in that meeting, and this lady named Wendy, she said, you know what? Get up out of that fucking chair and leave.

Go get hot. Because you're fucking using up a seat for somebody that wants to get get hot because you're fucking using up a seat for somebody that wants to get clean. And, and I hated Wendy for about 15 minutes. So I got in that car and I started driving home, and I realized that I needed to let down some walls. And I needed to start letting people into my life.

And, I'll tell you what, you know, I I started letting people into my life and I was very uncomfortable to start. You know, I was very uncomfortable where I was going in my life and and, and you all embraced me and told me that you love me till till I could figure out what the hell love was, you know. And, I start working this program and I started working the steps. You know, writing them down, everything about it. Got involved in service.

I mean, I think I was I think I was what? 18 and I was the chair of the East of the Bay Area. It was a scary thought. I don't know about y'all. That was a scary scary thought.

I don't know about y'all. That was a scary freaking thought, you know. And I don't say any of this to, like, boost. This is confidence, you know. This is this is the stuff that has happened in my life by working this program, you know.

Couple years ago, I was in the midst of a 6th step. 6th step. In the 6th step. In the midst of a 6th step. That's, like, fucking candy coating it and shit.

I was not working on a 6th step. I was all my defects were revealed to me, and I said, hell no. I'm not working on that shit. I'm just fine with what I got. You just keep going at this pace.

And, and this girl told me I was cute, and she wasn't my wife. And And, and I had a relationship with this woman, you know. I built a relationship with her. I didn't step out in in in a physical way, but I had a relationship with this person. I was talking to her more than I was talking to my wife.

And and everybody in the East of the Bay Area knew about it. And they were all ready to tell my wife. And I went home and I told my wife, it's one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. And my wife looked at me that night and she said, she said, you better go pick up that phone and you better call people. She hated me at that moment, in that time, I hated me, but she did not like me.

And I guarantee you, but she looked at me and she wanted to make sure that no matter what, I wasn't gonna get high. And I went and I started making phone calls and I started asking for help. And I tell you what, that was about I'm gonna say that was about 4 years ago. And I have worked this program like every day is the last since then. And I will continue to do that because I never wanna feel that kind of pain while I'm clean again.

I felt that growing up. I felt that pain when I was using, and I do not wanna feel it in here. And what you've taught me is all I gotta do is take some simple suggestions, work these steps, go to meetings, get involved in service, and I don't have to feel that way. I don't have to hate myself. I don't have to degrade myself, and I don't have to hurt people in the process even when I say I'm hurting nobody but myself.

Send this program, man. And if you're not doing it, if you're not working the 12 steps, if you're not getting involved in service, give yourself a break because you're fooling yourself. Everybody else around you knows. Everybody looks at Everybody looks at you and goes, if only that person would just do this. They too can feel what I feel, you know?

But it's not a decision I can make for you. It's not something that I can just make happen in your life. You gotta make that decision. You gotta reach out just like I did. Just like I have to do every day.

Even on the day when I wake up and I don't want to. Even in Baltimore City, where I have to go and watch people killing I've there in Baltimore than I did the entire first 7 years that I stayed clean here. And that's not to say use of the bait and got it bad. I'm just telling you, like, it's painful. I help people when I'm watching them go out and commit suicide the next day.

You know, this there are no dues and fees, you know. You don't have to pay anything to do it here. And the real kick is you already paid it. You already paid with interest. What we did out there is why we're here.

And my reminder every day is that my name is Eric, and I'm an addict. When I say that when I say I'm an addict, I'm remembering my entire childhood. Everything I did while I was using and everything cruddy I've done since I've been clean because that's who I am. I'm an addict. But this program has taught me I don't have to live that way.

I can be recovering addict today. I just have to follow some simple guidelines. I hope to continue doing that. I hope east of the Bay Area has another 14 years. Just for the day, let's make this a good one.

Thanks for letting me share.