The 3rd Annual Arkansas Traveler Roundup in El Dorado, AR

Hi, y'all. My name is Layla, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Layla. Thank you for that awesome introduction. Wow.

Could you repeat that for my husband when I get home? I'll start out with with this. My Friday date is September 15, 1992. So I just celebrated 10 years on, Sunday. And, that alone is the greatest miracle of my life.

I don't wanna talk too much about what it was like before because I now officially have more time sober than I did drunk, So I'd like to talk more about where my experience lies and that's in being sober. But just to qualify myself a little bit, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous at the age of 16. I wasn't an alcoholic when I got here because I wasn't like any of you, because have you seen yourselves lately? I didn't, you know, I wasn't like that. And, and I certainly that wasn't my plan growing up.

It was not to be an alcoholic or a drug addict. You know, attending an AA conference was not like a childhood dream of mine. And, but today it is, and that's the difference. I grew up in an alcoholic home and had all the normal dysfunctional stuff that people have growing up in an alcoholic home. I had divorced parents, They were complete opposites.

1 was a hippie drug addict, the other one was a conservative control freak, and, can you imagine why they're divorced? And I ended up somewhere in the middle of that. I like to call it a controlling drug addict. That's that's what I like to call it. Drugs and alcohol were readily available to me and, I took full advantage of that once I got to a place where that was the only thing left to do.

I was never taught how to feel, how to express those feelings, how to act. It was just stand there and look cute, and that was really the only job I had. And, along the way, some things happened. My my little brother was very violent and so I grew up with a lot of beatings from him and things of that nature. My parents were never violent.

My father was just very unavailable and my mother, when she was available, she was, you know, teaching me the lessons of how exactly to drink like a lady and how exactly to purchase the correct kinds of drugs, because these are all very important lessons that, you know, children need to know. And, and so that's kind of the way it was, And I didn't know there was anything wrong with that because it's the only thing I knew. And, if that's all you know, that's all you know. So, I don't blame my parents at all. I I think they did the absolute best they could with what they had and, I thank them today for being who they were because, I was taught in this program that we're all an example of something.

Whether it's something we want to pass on or something we don't want to pass on. And there are a lot of things that my parents did teach me that I do want to pass on. There are a lot of things my parents taught me that I don't want to pass on. So, so anyway, to kind of speed things up, I moved back and forth between my parents and the and the 2 different environments kind of stirred up a lot of craziness inside of me and I didn't know how to react to that and I didn't know how to answer questions. This was a really big thing for me.

People would ask me outside of my home, they would say things like, how do you feel about whatever? And, I never quite knew how to answer that question because I didn't know what your reaction was gonna be. And these are all the early signs of me being an alcoholic. I just didn't get it. And, as I grew up, the violence continued with my little brother, and I finally moved out of that home and and moved to live with my mom at about 12 years old.

And so I went to live with this free loving hippie, and she wasn't home very much, she worked a lot, and so I pretty much had free reign of the house. And, one day, there there had been this guy at school that had been harassing me and stalking me and, excuse me, one day, we ended up in a situation where we were both in the same home and there weren't any adults And, he got me into a back room and he raped me and at that point it was just another affirmation of the fact that I don't know what to do with anything. And so, I did nothing. I just got up and I left and I went home and I never said anything about it for 3 years. Because, here again, if I told you, how are you gonna react?

What are you gonna do? What are gonna be the consequences? And, surely it had to be my fault in some way because I was never worthy of anything anyway. And, so here I am and I have I have some other stuff that was going along and and and, meanwhile, on the outside, I looked really cute. And, you know, I was doing the cheerleading thing, dating the football player, having the cute little hair and the outfits and all that, and, and so you never had a clue.

That's what I thought. Because as long as it looked good out here, then that's all you really saw. You didn't see that there was this gaping hole inside of me that was screaming for help. And that there was this broken woman inside of me that didn't have a clue about where to go to get fixed. And I thought it was I thought it was a matter of being bad.

It was always, I'm bad and you're good. And when it came to Alcoholics Anonymous, she taught me it's about, I'm sick, and you're getting better. And I have a chance today to get better. And, I didn't know that. It was always good or bad.

And so, things progressed and, I found that I really like to smoke pot. And I know this is Alcoholics Anonymous, but this is part of my story, just like sedatives and morphine were part of Bill and Bob's story, marijuana and cigarettes, and smoking and drinking is all part of mine. And, so I I started experimenting with that because crazy people smoke pot, but bad people drink. And it was okay to be crazy, but it certainly was not okay to be bad. And, again, I didn't, you know, really wanna be like y'all, so, I didn't pick up a drink for a while.

I used drugs for about the first 6 months before I started drinking, and when that stopped working and it stopped being so readily available, then I started drinking. And my drinking progressed, and, living with the the the drunk and drug addicts that I lived with, it was really okay in my house to do those kinds of things. And, and that was the only way I knew how to not feel all of this stuff that I was feeling. And I don't know if any of you have those voices. Yeah.

Some of you are nodding. The other ones that aren't nodding, they're probably talking louder than I am right now. But I couldn't get them to stop. You know, when you lay your head down at night and you're staring at the clock and you're going, if I sleep now I can get 45 more minutes, you know, if I sleep now I can get 27 more minutes, if I fall asleep right now I can get 12 minutes before the alarm goes off. When you're 14 years old, and you're living that way, you know, the wheels just never stopped.

And, and the gut wrenching pain and that hole just kept getting bigger because I just kept shoving it down. And the more I had to shove down, the more chemicals I had to put in to keep it down. And, so anyway, my disease progressed and, and I met some hymns along the way. I don't know if any of you ladies have met a hymn, but, I met a few of them and, you know, thought that was the cure, that was gonna be the answer. And then he left and, then another hymn came and he was gonna be the answer and that was gonna fix it and then he left.

And that pattern continued for a while and somewhere along the way, my mom got sober and everything changed. Mom came home one day and was like, I love you and we're gonna have rules and easy does it, one day at a time. And I'm like, Taegan, can I have some of that? You know? I didn't get it.

I didn't understand what any of this lingo meant. You know, she was like, we're gonna let go and let God, and, keep it simple. And I'm like, I'm sorry. Who are you? Because you're not the same woman that's like, okay.

If you're gonna smoke out of a pipe, we're gonna pack it real tight. You know? If you're gonna do a shooter, you're gonna drink whiskey with beer. You know? This was not the same woman.

And so needless to say, there were some conflicts, and it wasn't always pleasant to be in the house. When you have one recovering alcoholic, and one raging alcoholic living under the same roof, things happen. Things happen. And, things certainly did happen for us. She continued to stay sober, regardless of my yelling and screaming, and telling her to get these crazy AA people out of my house, and stop having these parties, and stop having so much fun, and stop being happy, and, you know, I just did that just wasn't acceptable and I didn't like that, Mostly because it scared me.

Because here you were, right in front of me, having real, true feelings. Being a really true human being. And I didn't have any clue how to do that. And so, I started hanging out with some people that partied the way I did and if you didn't party the way I did, I either taught you or I moved on. And, so so I taught a few and I grabbed a few, and I had this nice little cocoon of people around me, and we partied, a lot.

And we did a lot of things, and it progressed and progressed and progressed, and it got to a place where, I've gone through a couple of relationships. That's over the summer of 90 2, and, I dated a couple of guys and this was the turning point for me. That voice in my head that just was incessant, that just never stopped, kept saying things like, it's time to check out. It's time to check out. It's time to check out.

We've had enough. We can't do this anymore. It's time to check out. And so, I don't like to be alone. I'm one of these alcoholics that, like, wants to have people around me all the time, so I decided, well, if I'm gonna check out, we better take some people with us.

And so, I called the this ex and said, whose father happened to be, like, the deputy sheriff, and said, is your father there? And he said, no. And I said, is his gun there? And he said, yes. And I said, well, could you unlock your door?

I'm gonna come over and get it and kill you. And, hung up the phone and picked up the phone and called the most recent ex who had pissed me off and said pretty much the same thing, could you unlock the door? I'm gonna come over and do this. And my plan was I was gonna take both of the people who had hurt me the most the most recently and myself and check out because I didn't know how to do this anymore. And at that point in time, I was in a world of delusion and I am so grateful that a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous taught me the difference between delusion and denial.

And denial is, I know the truth and I choose to deny it And delusion is, I cannot differentiate true from the false, right from wrong. And that day, I was so deep in delusion, I did not know what I was doing was wrong. My disease had me. And, you know, God really works funny ways because before I could get there, my mom had to take me to therapy that day. I mean, come on.

Who stops for a therapy appointment before they commit homicide? Come on. Only an alcoholic who didn't wanna get charged for an appointment she wasn't gonna make it to. So I went to my therapy appointment and, you know, when you decide to shoot somebody whose father's the deputy sheriff, they don't like that too much, and they like to tell people that you're a menace. And, and so I went to therapy and I sat down and my therapist is looking at me saying, is there something you'd like to talk to me about?

Because I didn't know this, but the police had already called her. And, I said, Well, I do have this one idea. And I told her about my plan, and, I said, Do you think something's wrong with that? And I sincerely did not know. I mean, I was pretty freaking sick.

You know? And she said, Well, how about treatment? I think treatment would be a really good place for you. Oh, meanwhile, I forgot to mention the part where I went to detox. Yeah.

I hadn't had drink in 4 days when I came up with this new plan. And that's what happens to this sick alcoholic. When you take alcohol and chemicals out of my body and you don't replace it with a spiritual solution, I go crazy. I just flat go crazy. And, so I've seen so back to detox.

So she said, how about detox? And I've seen these commercials on TV for this treatment center that had this really nice swimming pool, and it had all these palm trees around it. And at the bottom of the commercial, it said 14 day evaluation. And because I'm alcoholic and I don't get it all the time, I thought it said 14 day vacation. And so I said, yeah.

Treatment. Can I go to the one with the pool? And she said, yeah. Sure. You know?

And, I'm sure she's going sicko, sicko. I'm sure that's all she ever wrote on my chart for the 2 years I went to see her. But, so needless to say, that night, I got checked into treatment. And 83 days later, they let me out. And, you know, I never even saw the freaking pool because there were so many bars on my window, there was no way they were letting me out there.

Treatment's a great place, in case you haven't been. There's a lot of experiences there, Like, that big board they have with your name on it. You know? I don't know if any of you have ever been there, but, like, it seems to me that every treatment center has a nice big board with your name on it and what phase or level you're on and how far you've completed. And some of you are looking at me like I have 5 heads.

Apparently, some of you sobered up through, hey. Okay. And that's okay too. But anyway, if you do go to a treatment center, this is what you'll see. And so then they had all these letters, all these little initials next to our names.

And, I'd gotten checked in about 2 o'clock in the morning, so everybody it was lights out, and everybody was in bed, and I got up the next morning, and I'm walking out of my room, and I hear everybody going, look at the new girl. Look at all those initials. And I'm going, what? What is going on? You know, this is the first thing I hear.

I'm already paranoid enough. I haven't had a drink in 5 days. I'm freaking out. And there were initial, I am not kidding you, at least at least half the length of the ward, if not the 3 quarters. And it was stuff like SW, suicide watch, HW, homicide watch, AW, anorexia watch.

BW, bulimia watch. I was on every freaking watch. You could expect some really crazy person to come walking out of the room, and here I am with my cheerleader shirt on, you know, just didn't have a clue. Just didn't have a clue. I was so self absorbed and I was so far into my disease that I just didn't get it.

I couldn't see past the end of my nose. And, and I didn't want you to see any closer into me than that either. And so I did whatever it took to look or act like whatever it was you wanted me to look or act like. And so, they wanted me to be this tough girl, so I was a tough girl. And you wanted me to be a sweet girl, so I was gonna be the sweet girl.

You know, and I had gotten really good at that. So anyway, 80 something days later, they let me out of treatment and, in that treatment facility, they introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous and, and I was starting to become convinced that maybe this was something I needed. And I knew for a fact that my life sucked and I wanted it to be better, but I hadn't quite swallowed the pill that alcohol was a really large contributing factor to the reason my life sucked. I just thought that was kinda maybe a coincidence, and maybe it was just what I was drinking. Maybe if I switched to tequila instead of Jack Daniels, that might make it better.

So anyway, I came out of this treatment center and I went to a meeting and, oh my gosh, he was there. He was so fine. And he said, hi. Welcome. And I said, hi.

Thanks for having me. And, you know, I kinda went back and forth like that for a little bit, and he said, you keep coming back. And I said, you bet And I did, you know, for him. And then when he found out I was 16 and brand new, he's like, Please don't come near me. And I'm like, Okay.

So whatever it takes. You know? I'm a firm believer in that. Whatever it takes. Because, I know that God put that man there for a reason.

Because that's exactly what was gonna get my attention that night. And that's that's okay because I'm still here 10 years later, and that man and I are still friends, you know. And, so anyway, so I went to this meeting and I kept hearing you guys talk about really weird stuff that I didn't get, like, 9090 and easy does it. First things first. I didn't understand what the hell you guys were saying.

I just sat there. Yeah. Alright. You're all crazy. Yeah.

Alright. You know, if I just sit here long enough, they'll either stop saying it and talk about what I know about, or I'll just leave. And, I kept hearing this one thing you guys kept saying, You need to get a sponsor. You need to get a sponsor. You need to get a sponsor.

And, see, when I came here, my vocabulary was based on the life I lived. And so when you said you need to get a sponsor, I thought, you know when you have a little league team and, like, Fifi's nail salon sponsors the team, or Bubba's Barbecue sponsors your little league team. That's what I thought I need to go get. So I was gonna, you know, get maybe the Mercedes dealership to to sponsor me or, you know, something along those lines. And, finally, somebody sat me down and said, no, honey.

Because I was very sick. And they, you know, they talked to me very gentle like that for a few days. And, and they said, No, honey. That's that's not what that's about. A sponsor is somebody who's gone through the program, who's worked the steps that's gonna guide you through this.

And I was like, oh, kinda like a dealer. They're gonna, you know, be your guide. They're gonna help you out. Because I had to relate everything to the way my life was because that's all I knew. And if that's all you know, that's all you know.

And, they said, that's okay. If you need to relate it to that, then that's what you can relate it to. But, but you just need to get one. And so I said, Okay, well, how about him? And they were like, No, no, honey.

And they said, Women stick with the women and men stick with men. And I said, Well, I don't like that, but okay. And so, there was a woman sitting next to me after I had this conversation and I asked her to be my sponsor. I didn't know anything about her. She could have had 2 days sober, I wouldn't have cared, I just knew I needed to get a sponsor, and so that's what I did.

Of course, later on, you guys kind of filled me in that you probably should ask if they've worked the steps and read the book and done those kinds of things, because pretty much anybody in the room would have known more than me. And, so I asked this woman and she agreed to be my sponsor, and that worked well for a while and she gave me some assignments and we started doing some work, and then when I had 90 days sober, I, I had a party at my house, and she brought him as her date. And she had something I wanted, but, I wasn't gonna get it through the book, so she wasn't my sponsor anymore after that. So needless to say, I got another sponsor, and, I asked Colleen to be my sponsor. She's an amazing woman, and and, Colleen had something like 6 children.

And, her and her husband were both in the program and she was very active and participated in a lot of women's meetings and she had been sober quite a while. Colleen started me working on, on some of my foundation. And, I guess, I started working on her in February of 93, and and in March of 93, my mom and I got a phone call that my grandfather, who had been diagnosed with lung cancer, his blood pressure had dropped to 0, and it was time for the family to come and say goodbye. And this man had been trying to get me to go to an AA meeting for 2 years. And, he was like my dad.

He was my surrogate father and I stayed with him every summer growing up. So it was really traumatic. He asked for his 5 children and me. Out of 12 grandchildren, he specifically asked for me and his 5 children to come. And, and so we went out there and we flew from West Palm Beach, Florida, which is where I got sober to Austin, Texas, and we sat in the hospital room and seat in the hospital.

Excuse me. And, my grandfather who had 11 years 9 months sober, my uncle who had about 9 years sober, my other uncle who had 3 years sober, my mother who had 3 years sober, and myself who was 6 months sober sat in that room and had a meeting of colic's mom. And he gave me my 6 month check. And here is this man who had lost all of his hair and was hooked up to every kind of tube you can imagine and was weighing 90 pounds because of the chemo. Sat up in this bed and said, I have one terminal disease and that's alcoholism.

If I don't take a drink today, I got a chance. That's the message. That's the message of alcoholic melonists. That is the living example of this book. And he died 2 days later.

And, and that's one of the only chips I still have today that I haven't given to sponsees. So before he left, he had asked my mother if when he left we would come and take care of my grandma. And she said, You bet, dad. So we packed it up and left West Palm Beach, Florida and moved to Marble Falls, Texas, population 4,007. What a wake up call.

I had spent the summer 2 years previous in Marble Falls And, I was drunk pretty much the entire time and managed to dodge some trouble because of who my grandfather was and who was the district attorney, and, everybody had known him to go from the town drunk to the town DA and and, you know, pretty much if you were drunk, you knew you were gonna get AA as a choice because he sobered, like, half the AA up because it was like, if you don't, you can go to jail, that's alright with him. So a lot of people took the choice of AA. But, so I stayed out of some trouble because of that, but, anyway, so we moved back and and the only memories I had had of this town were being drunk, so I remembered it being really fun and exciting, this town of 4,007. And, you know, things are different when you don't drink. Things are really different because, you know, all we really did that summer was go into the field and get drunk, or go to the dam and get drunk, or go to the pasture and get drunk, or we might go over to somebody's house and get drunk.

And that's pretty much all you can do in a town of 4,007 unless you play golf. So, my life changed drastically because when I came into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in South Florida, I was welcomed with open arms by the young people of AA. And we had a man in our meeting and his name was Harry, and Harry had 40 something years sober, and he was at that young people's meeting every single week. And he was the greatest inspiration because it was so vital and it was so important that somebody who had experience and time actually cared enough to carry the message to somebody who wasn't even born when he got sober. Because he was our example.

He wasn't a bleeding deacon. He was very much the elder statesman that that group needed. And, and so I left this this wonderful, comfortable, safe environment of young people. And at this point in time, you know, I was older. I was 17 and, so wise.

And, and I moved to Marla a day, 6 days a week. And I'd come from this city that had over 2,000 meetings a week. So it's it's it's quite a change. And I was the youngest person in the room by about I like to exaggerate and say a 100 years, but I know that's not really honest, so I'll say, like, 85. And, and the attitude was very different.

And I went into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I heard things like, you can't be an alcoholic, you're too young. And I heard things like, I spilled more than you drank. And so I learned to say things like, If you hadn't have spilled it, you'd have been here sooner. You know? And, and I was given the gift to find all the answers to every problem in this book.

And this is something I'd like to read because I find that this, really saved me if there's anybody out there tonight that's having these kind of problems. This is the solution I found. And there's no page number on this page, but, it's actually on page 315 of the book, in the 3rd edition, because I'm not all hip and new with the 4th edition. And it's the title page to the second section of stories, They Stopped in Time. And, I won't read all of it, but I'll read this.

Among today's incoming AA members, many have never reached the advanced stages of alcoholism, though given time, all might have. I'll skip down. It says, They realized that repeated lack of drinking control when they really wanted control was the fatal symptom that spilled problem drinking. This, plus mounting emotional disturbances, convinced them that convince them that compulsive alcoholism already had them, that complete ruin would be only a question of time. And then I'll skip down further and it's it ends with this.

We didn't wait to hit the bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and that's my story, you know. I paid my dues.

Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization is not for you to judge. It wasn't for those men and women who sat in those rooms and said, you're too young. It was for this alcoholic to say, I've had enough And I'm a member when I say I'm a member. And my seat is just as worthy as yours. And it doesn't matter that I drank for 6 years and you drank for 66.

An alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic. The book is the book is the book and the answer is the same for all of us. And, unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough to stick it out there and, and I stopped going to meetings and I lost my connection with Alcoholics Anonymous and I went looney toon crazy and I did a lot of things that I didn't do when I drink, and it was God's grace that kept me from picking up a drink. And along the way, I had, I'd like to share this example of the, kind of baffling and powerful aspect of our disease. That woman, Colleen, who I'd asked to be my sponsor, I got a call from her about 3 months after I moved to Texas and they said, you need to come quick.

Colleen is Colleen is gonna be dead within the next day or 2. She has cancer and, she's not gonna make it. And so we called the airlines and we got the tickets all arranged and and I was gonna fly out the next morning and they called me back and they said, don't come. She's not she doesn't have cancer. She's been drinking.

And this woman had shaved her head, written her will, bought her coffin, all because she needed to hide the fact that she had been drinking. And that's the powerful, cunning, baffling aspects of this disease, because it will take us where we could never imagine going. So that was the second sponsor experience. And, so at that point I decided this sponsor stuff was absolutely not for me. That, coupled with the response I got from the people on Alcoholics Anonymous, turned me so far away.

And, I stayed I stayed away for quite a while. And I would go to meetings sporadically to get chips and just to kind of see if maybe things had changed and see if you guys had some stuff going on and you had this thing called, happy joys and free. I don't know if any of you have heard about that, but it's really cool. And, I really strongly suggest it. And, and I would see glimpses of it, but I wasn't really willing to do everything that was required.

And so I stayed away. God has a funny way of putting us right where we need to be though. And I moved around for a while and went to a couple of different colleges and I would check out AA meetings in the towns I lived in, and I met some young people, and I started doing some things again, and then it just didn't feel right because I was uncomfortable, and I was unwilling, and I wasn't teachable. I just didn't wanna drink. But I wasn't willing to give everything else up and I wasn't willing to turn it over and I wasn't willing to say, you might know more than me.

And so, I stayed sick for a long time. And it finally got bad enough because it will get bad enough and it will hurt bad enough. That's been my experience. And it finally got bad enough and it finally hurt bad enough and I got to a place where I was, just like that last night I drink, just like that night before I went into treatment. And I called my mom, and I said, I wanna check out.

I don't wanna do this anymore. Why does it have to be so hard? And she said, Come to my house. And I got to her house and she said, We're going to a meeting tomorrow. Because there wasn't one available at that time of night.

And I went to the meeting the next morning and I met a woman by the name of Joan, and I said, Joan, will you please be my sponsor? Because, see, even though I wasn't practicing it, I knew enough from listening to you guys that that was the answer. I knew the answer was in this book, and I knew I needed a woman in here to show me how to get to it. I really didn't let me read that, and then that was gonna be all, but it didn't work out like that. And Joan said, yes.

I will be your sponsor, but I'm moving in 30 days. And I said, alright, that's fine. I'm willing to do it for 30 days. And we worked, and we worked, and we worked, and she took me through the big book, and she took me through the 12 and 12, and she got me going on a 4 step, and she had me work in the men's, and we met every single day for 30 days straight. And, she saved my life.

She saved my life because she reaffirmed my faith in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. She reaffirmed that belief that I had once had that you guys were the solution and I was the problem. And so, to speed things up man, I took a long a lot longer than I thought. To speed things up, Joan left. I found a few more sponsors.

I went through, I kept doing the work, and, and then I got this sponsor, Kimmy, and, Kimmy, man, she busted my butt, And she showed me exactly where all the answers are, cover to cover. Amazing. It's not just one page, it's all the pages. Can you believe that? I freaked out.

So, and, and it's not just this book, it's also in the 12 and 12, in case you didn't know. So and that was that was the greatest gift she ever gave me. Because I got involved with Alcoholics Anonymous. And she said things like, go sign up to head up all the dances. And so I signed up for 1 year.

5 years later, they let me off that duty. Actually, I had to move out of the city to get off that committee. And, and she said things like, after we had completed the steps and after I had regained my sanity, she said, it's time for you to pass it on. And it's time for you to work with others, and it's time for you to go out and carry the message. And that's what I love about Alcoholics Anonymous, is I don't keep any of it.

You know? I just give it away, and give it away, and give it away. And it's so awesome because the more I give away, the more I go back and get some more. You know, because I'm I'm freaking greedy. And, I'm like, come on.

Give it. Give it. Give it. And my hands get full and then I give it, and I give it, and I give it. And, you guys taught me about that and you taught me how to do that and you taught me that we do this even when we don't want to do it, and we do it when it doesn't feel good, and we do it when we don't like it.

And I didn't I didn't understand for a long time why you guys did that. And then, some things have happened in the past couple of years that made it real clear why we do that, why we just do it when we don't want to, and why we keep doing it, and why it's repetition, repetition, repetition. And, I'm I got married. Oh, yeah. I graduated from college.

That was major freaking deal because I changed my major like 5 times just in the last 2 semesters I was there. So my parents were pretty impressed along with everybody in my home group, because they were really tired of me going through finals. And, and so I graduated from college. And, and then I got married to a man in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't even know how to explain that.

I mean, it is just wild. You know, it talks about really, I do know how to explain. It. Talks about it and how it works. It is our adventures before and after.

Yeah. We have some of those. Make clear, 3 pertinent ideas. And, and we laugh about that. And we have fun and we share our recovery and we invite alcoholics into our home and we fellowship with them.

And, he couldn't be here with me tonight because he's at home taking care of the dog and the cats and the broken air conditioner and all the other stuff that comes with being married. Because see, I didn't have that before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't have any of that. I couldn't take care of myself, let alone take care of an animal, or a husband, or a home. Some of the other gifts that, you guys have given me is that, I developed a friendship with a woman in this program that is Undescribable.

And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't want anything to do with any woman in the room, let alone any woman that was semi attractive. Maybe if you, like, had a bag over your head and, you know, left one shoe off or something, I might talk to you. But if you were cute, forget it. And, and because of Alcoholics Anonymous, and because you guys taught me to have compassion, and a kind and gentle heart, and in the spirit of brotherly love, and the companionship we find among each other, I've developed a friendship that, has no price tag. We were talking about it on the ride up here because Julie came with me.

She flew in from Nashville to be here with me this weekend and, I cannot look at you. And I was telling Shelley, the only way I know to describe it is it's the closest thing I can imagine what God loves me like is the way I love her. Because she's just another drunk. And there's unconditional love, and there's unconditional respect, and there's no requirement. I don't know anywhere else in the whole world where I can learn to get that, and where I can be given that.

And that's awesome. That is so awesome. And, she's she's, she's definitely seen a lot in this relationship that we've gone through and and she's really been there for me this year. She takes me back to the book when I don't wanna go to the book, you know. And she takes me back to calling my sponsor when I don't wanna call my sponsor.

And she sends me to meetings when I don't wanna go to meetings, you know. And and then I get to do it to her and that's so cool. She doesn't think it's cool, but I think it's cool, you know. And, and this year has been a pretty difficult year. After I got married, my husband and I moved to Houston from Austin, Texas.

And, again, I found a real, a real, hard time with some of the AA where I moved to. And it wasn't like what I had grown up with in Austin, Florida. And, I found a lot of older people looking down on me again, and saying those same things. And it breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart.

Breaks my heart that after 50 years of Alcoholics Anonymous, it isn't just about an alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic. And, and so I have sought sought out other places where I can just be another alcoholic. It doesn't matter that I'm 26 years old. 26? Yeah.

It doesn't matter that, whether I have one day or 10 years. You know, alcoholic is alcoholic is alcoholic. The solution is the solution is the solution. And, and this year, I have started making some headway and finding some other meetings I can attend that, I feel a little more a part of, but my home is still in Austin and I'll be celebrating my birthday there next month because those are the people that call me and check on me, and those are the people that reach out with the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous because I tell you what, there are days when the service and the unity just don't cut it. I just can't get on my knees and I just can't open my book, but when you pick up the phone and you call me, I can be there.

And that is so vital for my recovery. And, man, I've been avoiding this part. At the end of February, I received a phone call that I needed to go to Dallas. My aunt had, killed herself drinking and driving. And so I went and I wasn't especially close to my aunt and everybody in the family kinda knew she was an alcoholic.

And, I went to be with this, my stepmother's side of the family for whom I do not like to be around. And, but I went because that's what you guys taught me to do. You guys taught me that when I'm needed and when my services are needed, I go. And when I'm asked to do something, I do it. And when I give you my word, I follow through.

And she needed me that day. My stepmother will never admit to anybody that she needs anybody, and she said, I need you. And I got off the phone, and I got my keys, and I packed a bag, and I left. And I stayed up there, and and we went through the funeral, and and we got through it, and I stayed sober, and and they stayed as sane as possible. And and I came home on Sunday Thursday night, I got a call that, my little brother was, was in ICU and he had overdosed.

And, we needed to come sign the papers to have him taken off life support. I haven't shared that in my story. So, what did I do? I hung up the phone, and I called my mom, and I said, I gotta go out of town and I need some help. And I told her what happened and I hung up the phone and then I called my sponsor and I said, this is what happened and I need some help.

And I hung up the phone and I called my best friend and I said, this is what happened. I need some help. And I just kept calling. And you guys were there for me. And you said, don't drink.

Call me back. Don't drink. Call me when you get there. Don't drink. What can I do?

How can I help you? What do you need? And, I didn't drink. And you guys were there. And I had to answer some tough questions from my folks like, why do you have 10 years and he's gotta go.

And I can't answer things like that today. All I know is I'm here, an example. And that can be part of my experience, to carry to somebody else. And since that has happened, I've been in 5 separate meetings where somebody has lost a sibling or a son due to an overdose. And they just didn't know how they were gonna stay sober.