The 60th annual Texas State AA Convention in Dallas, TX

Hi, my name is Valerie Downing and I am an alcoholic and, my sobriety date is October 13, 1992 and my home group is the Jaywalker's group in Richmond and, we meet on Tuesday nights and Friday nights. Tuesday nights we have a speakers meeting and on Fridays we have a beginners meeting for 45 minutes. We take a break and then we have a closed discussion meeting. So if you're ever on the east coast, please come by and see us. We would love to have you.

My mom is sitting directly in front of me and it's making me nervous. You're supposed to sit over there. I'm I'm really honored that my mom is here, but she's never heard me talk. So I'm really afraid of what's gonna come out of my mouth. But, and and I'm very honored to be here.

It's really cool. And thank you to Larry and to the committee for inviting me. Very very kind of you. I don't think you know what you got yourself into but here I am and it's too late now. But very honored to be here.

Thank you. You know, they had me as a young people speaker and, know, I sponsor women that are, you know, in their early twenties and and to to me, they're the young people. And then I was thinking, well, compared to Wallace, Sterling and and Tom, I am a young person, so it's alright. But anyway, so I tell you, I'm I'm just like a lot of the speakers that have have already spoke when they're talking about alcoholism. Before I ever picked up a drink, I felt very different from everybody else.

I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I knew there was something wrong with me. I couldn't figure out what it was. I couldn't figure out why it didn't fit. I didn't understand why I was so afraid of everything. Just very separated.

Always on the outside looking in and not being able to be a part of and always overcompensating for that. So a lot of the time I was saying or doing things that were inappropriate, for the moment in an effort to try to fit. My sponsor used to talk to me about, as alcoholics we are power seekers and I understand that and I identify with that because I was always looking for something to fill the hole within, some type of power in my life. And the first place I found that was in being a thief. And not the most honorable thing, but that's where I found him.

And and as a very young, young child, sneaking over to my one friend's house, Dawn, and stealing her toys and taking them back to my house and hiding them under my bed and, stealing just I was an equal opportunity thief. I didn't care who you were. I stole from you and no conscience about that unless I got caught. No conscience about that whatsoever. Some people would say that's psychopathic, but, maybe I was that too.

Anyway, but that was the first place that I found some power and, I was just different and and just didn't fit. I was always going from groups of groups, from groups of people to groups of people and I did that drunk and I did that when I wasn't drinking, because I was so restless and discontented with them. I started drinking at a pretty young age, at 14 going on 15. Ma, I don't know if you knew that, but there you go. And stealing alcohol from my parents and the effect was such magic for me that I pursued it at the expense of everything, everything.

I stopped going to school, what little I did participate, I stopped participating. In the period of a year, I was labeled a non governable by the state of Florida, habitual runaway, habitual truant, in transit use centers, juvenile detention centers, having high speed car chases, just insane. And those were all consequences of my drinking, but I didn't care. And my parents, in an effort to try to help me, started sending me to, shrinks. And, one of them that they sent me to basically told them your daughter's got a drug and alcohol problem and, she needs to be put away.

So one day, my mom and dad come to me and they say we're going on a little trip. And, they didn't tell me where we were going, but I knew from the look on their face that it wasn't good. And, they took me to a treatment center out in in Jacksonville, Florida at Jax Beach, called the Care Unit and this was in 1982. And I was in there for 3 months. That's when insurance was still good, that you could go for a long time and they paid for it all or most of it and, it was like a resort and, I wasn't a good treatment center participant.

I did not follow the rules while I was there. I absolutely believed that rules do not apply to me. I'll do what you want me to do while you're looking, but as soon as you're not looking, I'm gonna do exactly what I wanna do. And, as a matter of fact, you know, in treatment, if you're good, you get to move up levels and days and you get privileges. When I left, I was on level 1 day 1.

So I didn't I didn't follow the rules. I just didn't get it. And, you know, when I got out of there, I started going to AA meetings. The great thing that happened to me while I was in treatment though was that I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous, so I started going to AA meetings and, that was tough because nobody likes to have their mommy drop them off at AA. But I started going to this meeting in Orange Park, Florida and, this little clubhouse and, you know, I went the first night I went in there.

There were all these very old people there, to me and, you know, that's when you could still smoke in meetings so there was like the 6, 7 foot cloud of smoke hanging from the ceiling and all the oldies were gathered around that coffee pot and talking smack and talking like this and, you know, and I sat in the back and, and I didn't belong there and I was angry that I was there. I didn't think that I was an alcoholic. I thought it was my parents' fault, that I was incomplete. I thought it was my parents' fault that, I wasn't okay and that I was having difficulties. It was absolutely my circumstances in life.

It never occurred to me that I was the problem. Never occurred to me at all. And back then in that area, there were not a lot of, a lot of young people coming in. So I remember this one old guy saying a Go to church, be a good girl. And to me, those were great words of wisdom.

They meant to me, you don't belong here. And, so I decided to follow that advice, how I interpreted that and, was going in and out of Alcoholics and Unions for about 2 years. And, after a little while though, I started showing up at the meetings there drunk and I stole the key to the clubhouse. I stole their money. That's where I would take my friends to go drink, was at the AA clubhouse.

I got a great place for us to hang up. So, you know, I wasn't a good AA member. So, you know, and what was wonderful is I've had the opportunity and sobriety this time to go back and clean that up through our immense process and and pay that money back and admit my fault and and where I was wrong and it was a wonderful experience. And I one of the guys that was there who, you know, took my money and all this stuff, he goes, we knew there was something wrong with you, you know, and we're glad you made it back. And he just remembered me being a shenanigan because I was in and out of there and, you know, my version of working with others was helping the boys ride along.

And, as a matter of fact, you know, when I was 17, I got into a lot of trouble and, I had stolen some things and, and it was a bad situation. And I was basically told you need to get yourself straightened up. And I was desperate enough at the time that I made this decision that I'm gonna get sober and I'm gonna stay sober for the rest of my life and I meant that. I meant that. So I got sober and I stayed sober for about three and a half years.

I moved out to the West Coast. My real father at the time was sober about 5 years in AA. Moved in with him, and, was going to a meeting every day, hanging out at the at the clubhouse in Covina, California, the 502 club, which their motto is or the people I was hanging around with at the clubhouse was who's on who at the 502 and I was hanging with that bunch. And, as a matter of fact, this guy, Big Book Max, said to me one time, he said, girl, you need to sit down, shut up, and keep your legs crossed because my version of working with others was, you know, chasing boys, going to the 13th step dances. I had a sponsor in name only, that was my favorite kind.

And as a matter of fact, my father picked my my sponsor and, I let him do it because he was paying money back to me with his amends and I didn't wanna stop the cash flow. So, you know, I I would say, yeah, I had a sponsor. Yeah, she's still my sponsor and, I would stay in contact just enough so that, I didn't, I didn't have to do too much. I absolutely did not let this woman know how I was living, what I was doing. I did not live this way of life.

As a matter of fact, I got very, very spiritually ill and, and I wasn't drinking and going to a meeting every day. So there's more to this than the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And around three and a half years sober, dry, actually a friend of ours in North Carolina calls it so dry, that was me, I was so dry. About three and a half years dry, I drank again and it happened just like that. There absolutely was no effective mental defense in place.

I had not developed a relationship with my creator. I was an example of so full run riot. I was very, very ill. Nothing in my life had changed. I continued to be a liar and a thief, and all kinds of insane conduct sober and in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I was that type of person that the the the people that were reasonably sane or spiritually fit said, stay away from her, because you're gonna get into trouble. That's not what AA is about. I drank again and I stayed out for 4 years. And in that 4 years, I moved to Atlanta and I was in Atlanta for a couple years and I remember going to a meeting in Atlanta, because I was starting to, you know, when you've got a head full of AA and you're trying to drink, it takes a lot of booze to shut that up. And, but I was trying to make it work, you know.

And, I remember going to a meeting and and this gal, I said I went up to her and I said, I really don't know if I'm an alcoholic. I really don't know. And she looked at me and she said, well, you're here, aren't you? And to me, this is my experience, that is not a message of depth and weight. There's not a lot of people or there are people that come into that are not alcoholics of our type.

They get sent here by the courts. They were drinking stupid one night or whatever and they got caught. For me, my opinion is that if somebody comes into AAA and they're not sure if they're an alcoholic, it is my responsibility to help them find out if they are one of us because it's about their life. Their life is dependent on them finding out the truth if they are an alcoholic of our type and surrendering to that. So that was an excuse for me to, not stay there and I never went back.

And, I tried various ways of controlling my drinking. One of my bright ideas was I decided one time that I was going to raise sheep. I thought that would fix it. So we were out on 20 acres south of Atlanta and, and I'm, you know, and I moved with a guy I met in LA. I moved with him out there and, you know, we got married and, I thought that would solve it.

I, you know, I just I always thought if I get my my outer circumstances together, I'm gonna be okay. My life will make sense. I will be fine. All the things that are wrong will be fixed if my circumstances are correct. And it just, it didn't work.

I kept trying and trying, just it didn't work. So one of the things that I tried was raising sheep because I thought, well, maybe I need to try that whole back to nature shoveling sheep dude type of thing, you know, and being in a barn and, being country. And, that was for Wallace. But pretty soon, I was drunk with my sheep, and, raising sheep didn't work. And I'm telling you, and I mean this, it's a good thing I'm not a man when I was drunk with those sheep because I can see how that happens.

I really think. I understand. It'd be part of my conduct inventory. I'm not kidding. As a matter of fact, when we moved up to New York, we lived in front of a dairy farm and I understood how it'd work out there too.

So but anyway, that's neither here nor there. Sheep doesn't work. If if you ever wanna try to control your dirt, raising sheep doesn't work. So I mean, that was just some of the insane things that I tried, you know, and I love the definition of insanity that our book gives us which is lack of proportion. Do not think straight.

The inability to think straight, that's the story of my life, complete lack of proportion and I absolutely don't think straight. So anyway, I was in Atlanta for a couple years and ripping and roaring and things were just starting to get bad there when we my now ex husband got transferred up to New York and I was like, thank God. You know, I'm I'm ready for a change. New group of people, I'll start fresh. And I'd had a son by that time and moved up to New York when he was a couple weeks old and, I was trying to be good for my son and I was trying not to drink for my son.

And, I thought that would solve it, the responsibility of being a mother, would change me. And, went to the doctor and I was breastfeeding at the time and the doctor I didn't drink beer. I thought beer was for wimps. I drink liquor and liquor is quicker. And, I didn't mess with that beer.

And the doctor said to me, you know, since you're breastfeeding, when you're having difficulty, if you drink some beer, that'll help let your milk down. And I was like, okay, I'll try that. So I like beer. I grew to like beer. Geneseo beer as a matter of fact, for any of you new yorkers.

And I started drinking again and I and I was gone. So whatever brief period I had of abstinence, once I put that alcohol into my system, I was off and running again at the expense of everything and everyone. I am one of those people that leads a very ugly life when I'm drinking. Very ugly. And I do a lot of damage and I hurt a lot of people And I did a lot of things that just aren't appropriate to share from the podium.

I led a very double life. I start I was a fine art rep by day, and at night, I was hanging out in the in the biker bars, carrying a gun with a do rag around my head with skull and crossbones. I mean, complete opposites. Not that there's anything wrong well, carrying our gun probably ain't a good idea, but not that there's anything wrong with that life or this life. It's it's just they were at complete odds with each other.

And nobody ever knew what I was doing ever. I never told the whole truth to anyone ever. I'm just a liar. And, one evening, one particularly humiliating evening, and I'm sure I had been looked at this way many times before, with just complete disgust, by those that were around me. For whatever reason, that evening I saw it, it it registered with me.

And that night my father called me and, he in essence 12 stepped me back into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And my then husband was getting ready to get transferred down to Richmond, Virginia and, I made this decision, well, when I get down to Richmond, I'm gonna stop drinking. And then it never occurred to me that I couldn't do that, that I didn't have the power to do that, because before if I wanted to stop drinking, I stopped. I mean I always started again, but I was able to stop and got down to Richmond. I went to my first meeting and it was at the Phoenix Group, which I thought, that's appropriate.

I'm gonna rise from the ashes, but no grandiosity here. But I went to my first meeting. It was at Phoenix group and I felt like I was home. I felt like I heard How Works Red for the very first time. I knew I was in the right place.

I was willing to do what you guys asked me to do. I got a sponsor right away. She ended up being committed a couple weeks later, but she was perfect for me at the time. We understood each other, because I was insane, Insane. Once I stop drinking, I go nuts.

I'm not very comfortable sober. It's very uncomfortable for me to be sober, unless there's a sufficient substitute, which Walt just did a beautiful job talking about earlier today. So anyhow, I, I went to that meeting and I wanted to be here more than anything. I had, our book talks about great desire, great need, great wish. And for people like me, it's not enough.

That does not supply what I need in order for me to stop drinking and to stay stopped, because I ended up drinking 2 more times and I had no intention whatsoever to drink. My last drink actually happened up in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I went up there to see an artist. I was in his studio and he had whiskey on his work table and he just asked me, do you wanna shop? And out of my mouth comes, yeah, I do.

And I was in AA wanting to be a member of AA. I had never had that desire like that before to be in Alcoholics Anonymous and I drank anyway. And, I'd had a couple of shots and then my husband came to pick me up and that's like the worst feeling in the world to have your drinking interrupted. I was mighty angry the rest of the day, very uncomfortable. So when they all go to bed at night, I'm up trying to finish the job.

And I'm trying to get to that place where I feel nothing and where I can hopefully pass out and, just oblivion. That's where I'm trying to go and I cannot get there. And I'm feel completely at war with myself. And, I just I asked god for help. I said, god, please help me.

And from that moment on, I I have not had to take a drink. And I, I absolutely believe that that's god grace god's grace because there's no way someone like me could stay sober this amount of time without something bigger than me intervening. So I've not had a drink since then. Sobriety has been really interesting. I haven't raised any sheep in sobriety, but I've been busy doing some other stuff.

But sobriety has been really interesting. You know, when I got sober this time, I I was pretty crazy. I went to I got another sponsor, right away. I called her every day. I went to a meeting every day.

She, the message she carried to me was Hazelton and I took those steps out of Hazelton. I did exactly what she asked me to do. Well, not completely. When it came to relationships and men, I still kinda have my own agenda. Like they told me, don't leave your husband.

I'd already I already had 2 waiting in the wings, you know. Because, you know, I'm one of those I was one of those female predators in AA. No respect for anyone at all. Absolutely a taker in Alcoholics Anonymous. Some people will say, that's really sick and it was.

Anyway, so so I left my husband at around 9 months. And I, you know, and I didn't know anything about how to live. I I'd always found people to take care of me. I didn't know anything about responsibility. I didn't know anything about being self supporting through your own contributions.

I didn't know anything about paying your bills, having a checking account, getting a job that you have to show up for on a regular basis, a real job. I didn't know anything about that. In essence, I have grown up and am still growing up according to my sponsor, and Alcoholics Anonymous. You guys have taught me how to live. So it's pretty messy, my first couple of years.

When I was around 9 months sober though, I started to go a little bit nuts. And, I met some people who started taking me to a a big book meeting. And, it was like lights started to go off. I had a spiritual experience. I was I became an evangelist for Alcoholics Anonymous and I started to find myself in those pages when they would get their topic out of the book.

I started to identify with what they were talking about. And, I had no idea that how it works was in the big book. I've been around AA for a long time, had no clue that that came out of the book. I hadn't I had it was a revelation to me, to find out that there were directions on how to start and end your day. I mean, just a revelation.

I was like, did you see this? This is so cool. I mean, I just I just I woke up a little bit and it was it was awesome. And and I got I made that my home group and I started to carry people to meetings and get some commitments and I had a different sponsor and, she, took me through the steps the best way that she knew how and, and it was a wonderful time in my sobriety. At around three and a half years, the bottom completely fell out and, I got very, very sick again, spiritually sick in AA.

I got very, very depressed. Lost my no car, no job, no money, no nothing. Very angry at the people in AA. I thought AA didn't work. I thought all of y'all were full of poo.

I thought god was messing up. I was very angry at God. I didn't understand why, I was having that experience. I'm like, God, how can you do this to me after everything I've done for you? You know, the sacrifices I've made.

Just very angry, very just rage and then on the floor depression. And I had the good fortune of meeting this gal. I was at her host at a conference, Her name was Camille Frey and she lived in Louisville, Kentucky at the time. And, I was her host at a conference and I was listening to her talk and she was starting to share about how she was 12 years dry and she had a shotgun and her man was out gambling and drinking and she was just waiting for the old boy to walk him back through the door because she's gonna blow him away. And I'm like, yeah, I understand that.

I related to her and she was different. Something had happened, but I understood the rage that she was talking about because that's where I was at. And I didn't understand what was happening. I thought AA didn't work. I thought I'd given myself to AA and it wasn't working.

So I asked her for help and she, she said, yeah I'll help you, but you gotta come out to Louisville, Kentucky. So I said, okay. I was desperate. So I borrowed $40 and I drove out to Louisville, Kentucky and she she sat me down and she talked to me and she goes, Valerie, you are a mad dog alcoholic and you're gonna die. You know, like one of those bad Louisiana psychics, you know I'm gonna die.

And, you know, and if you think I'm gonna pat you on the tutu and tell you that everything's gonna be all right, you got the wrong woman here. She was very direct with me, very honest with me. She didn't pull any punches. She talked straight to me. She didn't soften up anything for me, and that was exactly what I needed.

And I I believe that God used that woman to save my life because I was suicidal and it took me years to fully come out of that. People thought I needed to be committed because I was, my behavior became so erratic and insane and because I was so depressed and I needed to be medicated and I needed to be put away, any long term therapy or because there was just something wrong. But what was happening is that I just hit another bottom, a spiritual bottom. There were a lot of things in my life, even though I wasn't drinking, that had not changed, that I had not surrendered. And there were some things that I was holding back and that's what she started talking to me about.

She she started talking to me about the circle and the triangle and she goes, we have to be in all three parts, Valerie. And if you're not in all three parts, you cannot be whole. And are you willing to do what I'm gonna ask you to do? And she told me very clearly what she was gonna ask me to do. And one of the things that she said to me, you know, we have recovery, which are our 12 steps.

We're gonna start at the beginning. We're gonna go word for word. When it says pray, we're gonna pray. When it says write, we're gonna write. When it says go here and do this, you're gonna go there and do that.

When I ask a question, you're gonna answer it? Are you ready to write honest inventory? Because there were some things I had withheld on my inventory. Are you willing to make some amends? There were absolutely some amends that previously I was not willing to make.

And those were things that were standing in my way is my unwillingness before, and I landed in a in a hell of a mess. So but because of it. So she asked me if I was willing, and I said absolutely, because I was desperate. And then she talked about the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous in our 12 traditions, and she asked me about my conduct in the fellowship of AA and what kind of a member am I? Am I a taker in Alcoholics Anonymous or do I give?

Am I willing to be inconvenienced by Alcoholics Anonymous or not? Am I willing to be a solid member of a home group, which means showing up early, staying late, having a job, going to committed meetings, learning about how the traditions play out in a home group. I was the kind of person before that that I'd show up on time if it was convenient. I wouldn't go to my home group if I just had had a long day. You know, and what she told me is you will be at your home group unless you are a, dead, you are sick and I'm talking about you're ready to go to the hospital sick or you are out of town, Dead sick or out of town, otherwise you're at your home group.

And you're there early, you have a job and you stay late. And, you know, and and many, many more things with the traditions, you know, and and we looked at the concepts and she goes, this little advanced day a for you right now, but we will get to the concepts and how you can be of service in the bigger picture of Alcoholics Anonymous when you get the opportunity to serve as a GSR or at your inner group level. Are you willing? Are you willing to give yourself to this? And I said, yes, I am.

And, so I did what she asked me to do and she took me through those steps and, and I've had many experiences since then. Know, I had a really profound, experience with her in the first step. I knew that I could not drink safely. I I understood that. Where I was starting to have a whole new experience was with the unmanageability, because I was having some serious I did not believe I was a real agnostic, and I didn't realize it.

I absolutely wanted to run my own life. I absolutely had my own agenda of how my life should look, and I wasn't willing to surrender that. And I knew I was powerless over alcohol. My experience coming back into AA showed me that that I can't I'm just as powerless a rabbit hole today standing here as the day I was when I walked into AA. The only thing that's happened is that I've been placed in a position of neutrality where it's it's not an issue.

I just have a living problem, a living sober problem. So, anyway, she helped me take a look at that and I had an amazing experience with the first step. I conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic of the hopeless variety and everything that that means. Everything that that means. I give up.

We went to the 2nd step that I I love that chapter, we agnostics, because it's me to a t. I love to rely on my own mind. I love things that satisfy my mind. I love to try to wrap my mind around spiritual concepts and principles and and manage things. And, my sponsor used to tell me, you know, you got some funky ideas about God.

Funky. And that that the second step we agnostics chapter helped uncover some of those for me. Like, I really believed that, you know, especially when things weren't going my way, I really believed that god had favorites, that there were the haves and the have nots and I was a have not, that you had to do this thing perfectly, you had to do Alcoholics Anonymous, live by spiritual principles perfectly or God would not help you. God would not be there for you. As a matter of fact, I remember being all in a tizzy about something one day and calling my sponsor and because, you know, I think I gotta pray just right because if I if I don't pray just right, then I'm not gonna get any relief and I want some relief from the uncomfortability in my mind.

And, my sponsor says, well, what do you think about God? And out of my mouth comes, I think God is punishing and vindictive and God plays favorites and God withholds. And, my sponsor said to me, well, you have God set up as a version of you. I'm like, that's a low blow, but it's true. Because I am all those things.

I'm absolutely 100% capable of being all of those things. Vindictive, punishing, judgmental, play favorites. All of that, I'm capable of that. So, you know, a little light went on. Oh, I didn't realize.

I remember the day that our book talks about we have to step from bridge to shore, that I can no longer rely on my own mind and the knowledge that I have gained about God in AA. I have to actually put that into action. I have to begin to acquire faith through action. I had to stop arranging things or trying to make things happen. And I remember the day that that shift happened in me.

I remember the day that I realized that I hadn't thought about suicide in a long time, that something had changed. And the only thing that had changed is that I just showed up willing to give myself completely to all parts of Alcoholics Anonymous. When I got to the 3rd step, you know, I knew I needed to develop a relationship with this this power greater than myself, but I was afraid of what my life was gonna look like because I was like, well, what if God wants me to be a nun in South America, never have money or sex again, you know? What an order. I can't I can't go through with it, you know?

I mean, and I was really afraid that God was gonna ask me to do something like that. And my sponsor very wisely said, well, let's just maybe God's already got somebody doing that and we'll just take it one day at a time, you know, and, you know, and and and things like, you know, in the where it talks about the 3rd step, you know, it talks about little plans and designs. You know, my sponsor was very, very clear. You know, Valerie, that word applies to you. Little.

You have little plans and designs. I mean, they're constantly deflating me and I'm so grateful for that. But I didn't have anywhere else to go so I was willing to turn my will, my thought life and my life, everything I hope to ever become or be in God's care. I'm willing to give that. And I absolutely believe today, no question in my mind, and I used to hear it in meetings all the time and I thought they were just full of crap.

God's plan is better than anything I can come up with. It really is. God really will take care of me no matter what. And I didn't believe that stuff for the longest time. And today, I know that that's true.

That has been my experience. But I just had to get past what I thought I knew, my own mind and my own fear. Wrote inventory, I had never written inventory before following the directions in our book so So, you know, that was a new experience. I remember calling my sponsor one time to read some inventory and I get to the 4th column and I say, now here you're ready. Here's my part.

And he says to me, what are you talking about? Your part. Where does it say that in the big book? And I'm like, you know, it's in the big book. It's in 4th column.

And I really thought it was there. And he goes, well, go find it for me. So I, you know, I go get my book and I'm gonna show him where it is. And, I'm like, I know it's here but it's not there. And you know what was interesting is I had been writing on some resentments that I had not been able to get free of and that was part of the reason of why I could not get free of them is because I was still saying my part.

That person still had a part. I had not completely disregarded the other person involved entirely. And that's what this is about. It's as if what they have done hasn't happened. I have to resolutely look for my own mistakes.

Where have I been wrong? Where have I been selfish dishonest? Have I been self seeking? What am I afraid of? The inventory's mine.

And it's and that's where my freedom lies is in the truth and becoming responsible for the truth about me. And I've had amazing experiences in writing inventory and getting to 4th column in forgiveness for people I didn't believe deserved to be forgiven, compassion, all of that stuff were gifts of being willing to write honest inventory and to resolutely look at my own mistakes. I had a lot of fear. I didn't realize how much my life had been driven by fear, and that was awesome. And I wrote Conduct and God knows there was a lot to write there.

I needed a lot of help in that area. You know, when they said, you know, some of us needed an overhauling there, I was like, yeah baby, that's me. So I had a lot to do there, and I've had a lot to do in recovery since my first inventory on conduct. My sponsor used to say that may be one of your deeper rooted character defects. But anyhow, so when I did my first fist step with Camille, I drove back out to Louisville, Kentucky and she sat me in her sunroom and she had me read she sent somebody in there that I didn't know, and she had me read it to that woman.

And then she sent somebody else in there that I didn't know and she had me read it to her too. And I was I hated her for doing that at first. I thought that was very unfair. And she pointed out to me in the book where it says that we can read our inventory to person or persons. The she knew what she was doing with me though because I was such a liar and I was such an actor and I really believed that I was different than other people, that I was different from you, that I lied in some worse kind of way, that my thoughts were worse than yours, were sicker than yours, that my conduct, none of y'all had ever done.

And I realized through that experience that I was no different and I got smashed a little bit. And I I wasn't such the actor when I came out of that experience. I've had tremendous experiences in 6 and 7. I absolutely believe what the 12 and 12 says about separates the men from the boys. That has been my experience.

Real change began to happen for me there. I don't wanna be the kind of person who is capable of the things that showed up in my inventory. I am willing to ask God to remove that. I do not have the power to I'm absolute well, I'll say this. I'm absolutely 100% responsible for my conduct today.

100% responsible. But I cannot remove my selfishness and self centeredness on my own. I need God's help. On my own, I can't do it. So I'm very grateful for the that prayer, the 7th step prayer, because I know I can't be changed on my own.

I got willing to make amends. I had a lot of financial amends to make. Those were some of the hardest amends to make because I had stolen a lot over a long period of time and I even did that well into sobriety. It took a while for that to leave. And my sponsor told me, you know, you took it out of the world, you gotta put it back into the world.

And at the time, I think I was making maybe, maybe $13,000 a year. To make these amends was inconceivable to me. I owed so much money. I I couldn't even conceive of paying it back. And then my bright idea is, well, I'll just save up and pay it back all at once.

You know, that's what I think is the right thing to do. And thank God for strong sponsorship. And I was told, absolutely not. I don't care what the amount is, but you call them up or you go see them, you arrange the best deal you can. I don't care if it's a dollar, $5, but you pay that every month and you pay it consistently.

And, there were some months that it was all I could do to write that check. I did not want to do it. It was like it's my money and because I was afraid I was gonna go without, that I was gonna lose something, that I had something to protect. And the damnedest thing happened. The more I started to pay back those financial amends, the more money started coming into my life.

And I don't understand how that works. It doesn't make sense. But in the realm of the spirit, it makes complete sense. So I got very busy making amends, making amends to my family. It took a long time, I think, for my mother to trust me.

She always looked at me out of the corner of her eye waiting for the real Valerie to show up or the old Valerie. And I'm I'm very grateful for the relationship that I have today with my mother and my brothers. I love them dearly and I'm I'm very fortunate. So cleaning up the the family is important. Practicing the 10 step daily.

You know, one time I called up my sponsor and, for a long time, you know, I would see people, my my heroes in Alcoholics Anonymous and my sponsor included, and I wanted my sponsor to run my life. I want my sponsor to tell me everything to do. I didn't wanna make any wrong decisions. I didn't wanna experience any kinda pain. And I remember calling my sponsor, Don, up one time and I'm like, what do I do?

And he goes, Valerie, you're such a thief. You're such a spiritual thief. Quit trying to steal my experience. Like, oh, another low blow. Go follow the directions.

Go pray. Ask god for the right thought or action. Go do what it's asking you to do and develop a relationship with this power greater than yourself. Develop the intuitive thought. But I'm I'm lazy.

Okay. You know? So but it so I began to have start to practice that and and really practicing 10 and 11 actively, daily and in creating a working relationship and and a a prayerful relationship and a and a reliant relationship, with this power greater than myself. And currently, what's going on with me and my prayer life is very, very simple. I'm I'm kind of uncomfortable in general right now.

I'm not sure what the haze going on, but I know it'll show up sooner or later. But the prayer that has been sitting with me is just out of the 11th step, which is, you know, thy will be done, not mine. But what I say is merciful father, I pray that your will be done, not mine. And I stay very active in Alcoholics Anonymous in all three parts. Very active in taking women through the steps.

I sponsor a lot of women. I'm very active in my home group. My home group does a lot, and it's an honor to even be a part of it. But we are very active in carrying meetings into correctional facilities, into treatment centers. We are very active socially.

We spend a lot of time in each other's homes. We just had our 1st conference. We just put on our 1st fellowship of the spirit, which Tom was out at. He was calling me madame Prez for a while and I was like, finally, somebody who recognizes my greatness. But, you know, he hasn't called me madame pres, not once since I've been here.