The Way Out Group in Staten Island, NY

All the way in from Texas, our speaker is Chris. Hey. Thank you. Thank you, Doug. Thank you.

My name is Chris Raymer. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Hi, Chris. I'm gonna stand. I I've tried to talk sitting a couple of times and I I I can't do it.

I don't know what that is about. I I don't know. It's like it's like I couldn't talk if I couldn't move my hands. It'd be the same kind of thing. You know?

So I'm gonna I'm gonna stand for for just a second anyway. What an honor to be here. I gotta there's it's like old home week. I know so many of y'all in this room. I I, I've been up to to this area a few times now and, I'm I'm I'm I'm dating a damn Yankee.

What can I say? And this is so I look for any excuse to come up here, and it's what a place to be. I'm I'm honored to be here. And, some of you guys, I tell you, do us proud in this fellowship. I'm I'm a I'm a chronic relapser.

I just need to tell you, I'm I'm gonna keep an eye on the clock. I got about 35 minutes with you, and I wanna I wanna talk a little bit about about how I got here and and and what happened once I did get here. But I just need to tell you going in the door, some of y'all have heard me speak before and and, I'll try not to to rant and rave too much tonight. I I understand. And some of you, have never heard me before.

Some of you heard some tapes of mine, and I have a tendency to to to get out there kind of I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I I don't know what can I say? I I I nearly died getting to this fellowship. I I, I went to my first AA meeting in in about 1980, and, as I was losing a a first wife, and 3rd and 4th business was in jeopardy, and the health was bad, and the depression's kicking my butt, and I and I need some help. And a and a and a therapist who who knew what the problem was, said you ought to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

And my journey started about 1979, 1980. I I forget. I I don't remember most of the eighties. It was a whole decade. I've I've kinda lost.

I can't pinpoint it down, you know, but, the long and short of it is as I was around the fellowship for a bunch of years and couldn't get sober. I I was I was talking to a buddy of mine, whose brother I know in Texas, and, and we were talking about the necessity to pay attention to what we're saying in meetings. And and I'm gonna tell you, I'm I'm a firm believer in that. Any of you cats in this room that believe that you can go into any meeting you want to and share whatever you want to, you're wrong. You're you're wrong.

And and and I'll never stop saying that from the podium. And if and if that offends you, you know I don't know what to tell you. I I don't know what to tell you. Next week, this will be your nickel, and you can get up here and share how you believe we can share anything you want. But you see, his problem was in this fellowship was that he kept when we get a newcomer that comes to our fellowship, what we're looking for I don't know.

Maybe your case is different. My case was I was looking for any excuse in the world to turn around and leave. You know what I'm saying? I I wanna get well. I I want the pain to stop, but I hate Alcoholics Anonymous.

And, you know, I hate you. You know, then let's just get to the day. I don't I don't like your smile. I don't like your happiness. I don't like the fact that you smell good.

I don't like I don't like the fact that you drive a nice car, you know, and I just you know, you got a nice girlfriend. I just, you know, I hate you, you know, because I'm so miserable inside it. And I walk into these rooms and the first thing I'm looking for is an excuse to leave. And and I'm a tell you something, we got a fellowship out there folks, not just in AA and NA and cocaine anonymous. We got a lot of fellowships out here that that that have gotten so far off track with the message we're supposed to be carrying that we do the newcomer a a a big service.

Because we they'll sit in a meeting for 5 minutes and find about 15 reasons to walk the heck out of this door. And so we gotta be careful what we're supposed to be doing. Our our priority, our main purpose is what I wanna talk about tonight some. And I I know we got a little format, and I wanna try to stick with that format as much as possible. But I I I believe the the tradition that says that our primary purpose is is is working with others, is carrying the clear message of hope to that alcoholic is it needs to be discussed.

And I think I think all of us need to get on that same page. I think, 1, because we're gonna get so let me tell you what happened to me, and then it'll clear it up, where I'm coming from. Or maybe not. Maybe it just confused the daylights out of you. But, in 1980, when I got to the fellowship, what I didn't hear, I was in the food business.

And real quick and make a long story, I I, I was successful in the food business. I was a I was a chef for years. And I started as a cook and got an apprenticeship program and trained and worked hard and and got under some good cats and knew what they were doing. And, of course, they were all drunks too just like me. And we got along famously.

Early on in my disease, I could drink a lot of alcohol, you know, and then, you know, like so many of us in this room, I was a functioning alcoholic. I'm not one of these these unlucky souls that started blacking out when they were 16. I I had a lot of years of successful drinking, and, very social and and out there on the on the edge and, doing a lot of crazy stuff. It was quite successful. And, what was apparent though at a very early age was that the the the depression was gonna kill me.

And, I was not a real happy camper. And early on in my career, I started seeing therapists for the depression and taking antidepressants for the depression. And, it was, it was kind of a nasty deal. There's a lot of people out there that believe that, depression can be treated with a pill, and, and I'm I think if you're clinically depressed, it can be treated with a pill. I think if you're suffering from alcoholism, you're you're barking up the wrong tree.

Spiritual malady that the book talks about cannot be treated by with a pill. And, it's a it's a I mean, I'm sorry. It it can. It can help, but it's not gonna fix what's wrong with you. And that's the problem that we had in the early seventies and eighties.

We had a lot of people out there trying to self medicate with antidepressants, trying to get past the drinking, and it never would work. But guys, I I drink Peter said it the other day so well, I got to hear Peter Thursday night, and Peter said it so well, you know, I'm not I'm not drinking to have a good time fun. See, I'm drinking to just get well, to just start feeling better in in my in my little insides. And that's I mean, I wanna get up, have a couple of drinks, and go to work. I don't wanna get up and not and call in sleepy and not go to work.

I mean, I'm I wanna get through the day in one piece, and that's all I'm trying to do. The alcohol allowed me to do that. You you you apologize? And that's what the problem is. Problem is.

If it was just if it was just about having too much fun, Chris, you party too dang much, then then we just quit. We just grow up. It that's not the case. I have to drink to get through the day. I have to drink to ask you for a date.

I have to drink to apply for a job. I have to drink to go to the laundry mat. I have to drink to go to the grocery store. You you with me? And that's that's what alcoholism is.

And it's a, I'm gonna tell you something folks, it's a damn sad disease. Because as this progresses folks, you can't do much of anything unless you've got a drink. I was talking to Patty earlier about a friend of ours, and she went and got him a bottle, you know, and understand that the cat needed to drink first, and then we would talk. Because because that's what we need to do. And and and I think what what happens to us in our fellowship I wish we had a little bit longer, we could talk about it, but in our fellowship, we come from all walks of life.

And some of you in here that can't relate to what I'm saying because you're not even an alcoholic. You never needed to drink to feel okay inside. You just partied a little too much, got caught, got a DWI, they slammed you in AA, and you've been here ever since. You're not gonna relate to anything I've got to say. And I don't care.

You know, I don't. Because I gave up a long time ago trying to be mister I mean, you can't please everybody. What can I say? I'm a real, real alcoholic. Just like the I'm the real McCoy.

I've got a drink to get okay. My internal condition is not okay. And when I take that drink, it fixes what's wrong with me. And when the stuff worked, it was great. And then it stopped working and it was very, very bad.

Y'all follow me? And that's and guys, I watch people. I'm I do clerical work at a treatment center. And I'm gonna tell you, I watch people daily die from this disease. You know, and then it it offends me sometimes when I come into our meetings, and all we wanna hear is this this flippant little joke.

We wanna we wanna take up somebody's time telling our stupid stupid war stories. And I I I get a little tired of that crap. I'm just reading it today. We were in the in the in the, Bill story, and it talks about never mind the must be passed. He's sitting across from Ebby, he says never mind the must be passed.

Man, look who's sitting in front of me now. This guy's on different ground. That's the message that we need to be carrying to the newcomer. You see, but I'm gonna tell you something folks, my story. Maybe not your story.

My story. In 1980, when I got to the fellowship, that was not my experience. My story was when I walked into AA, I got to hear a bunch of people tell their stupid war stories until I almost died. And when we finished telling the war stories, we tell the we got we got into a pissing and moaning contest to see who could complain the loudest about the day. Unbelievable.

I gotta tell you. Number 1 relapse. I've I've watched this for years in my own in my own story, and I've watched it working with other alcoholics and around the fellowship. My experience is this, the number one cause of relapse today is, self pity. Self pity.

Feeling sorry for yourself. Look what they did to me this time. Done it a 1000 times myself, watched a 1000 of you guys do it. And so what do we do in our meetings? 9 times out of 10, when we turn them into little little discussion meetings, open discussion, start them with, well, who's got the problem?

Well, I got the problem. We don't wanna hear your problem. I couldn't I couldn't care less. I oh, no. No, kid.

I couldn't I I don't I don't give a rat's butt about your problem. Because I'm gonna tell you something, folks. I'm on this big kick now. You can listen some of the later tapes that I'm doing. We're hitting this thing so hard it's not even funny.

Alcoholics anonymous is not now nor ever was it intended to be therapy. Alcoholics Anonymous is not therapy. Alcoholics Anonymous is not therapy. It's not therapy. I don't know how many ways I can say it.

It's not therapy. I don't know. I don't know. Pick your way. I don't know whether to say that.

A lot of you believe it is because that's what the stupid treatment center that sent you here told you. You got a problem? Go to a meeting and talk about it. If that's what you've been doing, great. You're welcome.

Thanks for coming. Don't come back. I mean, I don't know how to say y'all. No comeback. But let's learn something new.

Let's learn something different. Why don't a bunch of us I know a bunch of y'all in this room, and y'all are on the same page with me, but some of you guys, you're looking at me like deer in the headlights, like I can't believe he's talking like that from the podium. Why why don't we why don't we learn why don't we learn something new tonight? Why don't we come at this thing with an open mind for a new experience about what this is about? In 1979, 1980, I got to this fellowship and I was dying.

And I'm walking into these meetings and all you're doing is talking about your stuff and I can't get well because nobody will tell me about what you read. You know, when you were reading How It Works, the the preamble, when you were reading the first part of this, you were talking about the prefaces, and you were reading about being a recovered alcoholic. And you were you were making a special point to hit the word recovered, you know. And I'm gonna tell you something. I almost left up and hugged you in the middle of that deal, you know.

It's like I mean, we gotta be swapping spit over this thing. You know, this is this is the best. I'm a re I'm a recovered alcoholic. Guys, this is this is the 13th of the month. If I don't do anything really stupid, exactly a month from today, I'll have 15 years of sobriety.

November 13, 87 is my sobriety. Yeah. Yeah. And and how cool is it that for nearly 15 years, I haven't wanted to take a drink. We make this picture of treatment for these some of these poor schlups.

It's like every day is a day that you could drink. You know, it's like there's a book there's a line in the book that says that in Fred's, think it's Fred's way of saying, it would only be a matter of me keeping on guard. You know, we do it in treatment center. We tell you, just be careful. Keep on guard.

Watch out what's going on. I mean, we had an issue we had an issue freaking camo gear to everybody that comes to Alpha Plus Anonymous because because we're gonna be doing a lot of keeping on guard, I gotta tell you. What is this for? What that's what I tried to do for years, guys, was keep on guard. You see, guys, I can't keep myself sober.

And somewhere along the line, in the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous, when we had a great success rate, we understood that AA was a spiritual program. And Somewhere along the line, we turned it into a self help program, where we're all gonna sit around and help each other stay sober. Let me tell you something, folks. I need your fellowship, but you can't fix what's wrong with me. I need your friendship.

I need your guidance in some other areas of my life, but you can't fix what's wrong with me. If the desire to use returns to Chris Ramer, Chris Ramer's gonna drink. 15 years ago, God removed the obsession for me to drink. And some of you in this room, God has removed your obsession to drink, and you know exactly what I'm talking about. And some of you are mad at me now because God hasn't removed your obsession.

And you want to go out and get a shot of dope right now. You want to go get some alcohol right now so bad you can taste it, and you're and you're pissed. How dare that little one I've got come up I'll be glad when he gets I'll be glad when he gets his ass back to Texas. I just, you know, he can't come up here and talk to us like that. Well, you know, some of us are just gonna have days when we wanna drink.

Listen, my book gets quite clear about it. If you wanna drink, you haven't recovered. And if you haven't recovered, it's because you haven't done the work. It's just that simple. You know, God's grace is even.

It falls on everybody the same. And and I'm sitting there in 90 19 to 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85. 7 years around this fellowship looking at everybody, taking everybody's inventory because they they seemed happy, joyous, and free. And I'm just such a my life just sucks. And the old you know, and the truth is, it it wasn't until 80 then people tolerated it.

Well, Chris, you're just having a bad time. Once you come to the 8 o'clock meeting tonight, we'll discuss it. We'll talk about it some more. What a poor, miserable, pathetic thing you are. It was great, guys.

If some of you wanna try it. Sympathy works great. You know, sometimes you can actually get laid that way. It's a good thing. You go green and stuff.

You you wouldn't wanna you you wouldn't wanna go to bed with me, would you? And sometimes and so how about a job if while you're at it? You know, and it's like, yeah, you can milk this stuff forever. No. Come on, guys.

There's a there's a payoff there's a payoff for being a victim. There's a payoff for being a victim. And this fellowship, I'm telling you, in the early eighties was pay I don't know about up here in New York, guys, but Texas was rampant. Our success rates were in the toilet because everybody turned it into this big self help program. We're just gonna jump in this big call, and the people trying to call them where you know, just trying to help themselves get sober, and it's just and nobody's getting sober.

Nobody's getting sober. They're buying those stupid desire chips by the bushel baskets. You know, we're just you're giving them out endlessly. You can't nobody nobody stays sober. There's a crying shame, because the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous, we knew exactly how to stay sober.

The book says precisely how we recovered is the whole point of I'm I'm 7 years in the fellowship of Alcoa, it's anonymous and don't even own a big book. Why do I need a book? I gotta work your stupid steps. That's where you owe big book thumping coots. Buddy, you don't understand.

I'll work the stupid step, but a few of the niceties of life. And when I get all that lined out, I'll work the steps. And I'm gonna tell you something, folks. We've got a bunch of people in the fellowship that will allow that to take place. Oh, you poor thing.

Take your time. Easy does it. Don't worry about it. You'll know when it's time to work the steps. Oh, 7 years and now the fellowship.

Now, you know, everybody wants to come my emails burn up with this stuff. People get me on the phone, well, you know, Chris, I didn't wanna talk to you when you were up in up in Fellowship with Spirit. I didn't wanna talk to you when you were talking in Canada because, you know, I just I didn't wanna get into it with you. But now that I'm I'm on an email and can say whatever I want, and you're and you're 3,000 miles away and nobody can screw with me. I'm let me just tell you what an asshole you are, you know.

And they just wanna let me share with me. Unbelievable. Buddy, I'm gonna tell you something. The last thing on this earth that I would ever do was be intentionally try to make somebody uncomfortable. And if you're using our meetings as a dumping ground for your problems and a little piece of therapy, just keep coming back and and let's try to go with this with an open mind so we can get you to in a different place.

Because let me tell you something, in 1987, I walked out of an AA meeting and went back to work one day. And at the end of that day, I walked home and got a stack of return checks, and I said to heck with it. And for the second time in my adult life, I tried to commit suicide. And I'm sitting in the meetings trying to fix myself, and everybody I hear vaguely on the outside wanna talk about a spiritual experience, and everybody wants to talk about the steps a little bit over here, but nobody will get clear with what I'm supposed to do as a newcomer. And I'm gonna tell you something, folks.

I've had this thrown back in my face a few times and it and it and it well, Chris, you just didn't wanna get well. You know, that's that's our pat answer to every newcomer that ever relapses. Well, if you just didn't want it, well, he just didn't want it. Well, maybe next time, just didn't want I, you know, I think it's pretty arrogant of of a bunch of us in this room to say something stupid like that. He wanted it bad enough to screw his courage up and get out of the car and walk into a strange building.

He wanted it bad enough to sit in this stupid meeting and ask a few questions and keep coming back, but he didn't get it because nobody had wanted to take time with him to tell him how to get well. No one nobody wanted to tell him that you get well by working the steps. You don't get well by coming to meetings. There's 2 things going on here, guys. There's a fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and there's the program.

And the fellowship is a wonderful thing. It is the coolest. But it will not, if you're a real alcoholic, it will not get you sober. The program gets you sober. The 12 steps gets you sober.

The steps are a path to God. You get connected to the power, the power alleviates the need to drink. It removes the obsession to use. Did anybody tell me that for 7 years in the fellowship? Absolutely not.

We're too busy standing up in front of rooms, giving them absolute crap advice. But don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired. That's crap. That's crap. That's crap.

That's more of the keeping on guard stuff. That's more keeping on the guard. We're just telling why why don't we tell somebody that? Didn't work for us. God damn.

How many times did I get direct how many times did I get loaded when I had a full full belly and and plenty of rest? I wasn't hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. What was the problem today? It was nothing. Just guys.

There's a there's a story in the book there's a story in the book that Fred, the businessman, gets up and there's the greatest line in the book. It says, it's not a not a it was the end of a perfect day. You have to read it. Not a cloud on the horizon. I sell t shirt at the store that's got one.

It's end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon, and they got this drunk laying in this chair with a bottle of booze. That that was me. That was me. And we but we sit here in these meetings, and we paint we we paint this picture that if you can just manage well today and walk that little tight rope just perfect, that you won't fall on your butt. And when you do fall on your butt, we're gonna throw it back into your lap and blame you.

Well, I'm gonna tell you something folks. Alcoholics Anonymous needs to start taking responsibility for some of the crap that we're teaching the newcomer in our meetings. You understand a little passion here? You sense a bit of anger? I'm gonna tell you, it's there and it's real.

I love Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't believe that we've got much time to work with a lot of people that are sitting in this room. Because a lot of people in this room have they don't have too many more detoxes left in them. One day at a time, it's all we got, we just keep coming back, and it'll it'll be different tomorrow. No, it won't.

It'll be some more of the same crap. Until I change, spiritually. And then everything shifts. Our job is not to fix the alcoholic, folks. Our job is not to fix the alcoholic.

And I think it's one of the reasons that so many of you guys in this room, and so many people of my friends in Texas, and wherever I'm speaking, so many people that I know in the fellowship don't wanna sponsor people because they don't want the responsibility of having to fix the alcoholic. We're not therapists in this group. We're spiritual mentors. We have one message. One I I have a little something I'd like to read to you.

This is a great little this is a great little little excerpt. It's in the it's in a little pamphlet called Problems Other Than Alcohol. My buddy Bill put this on two two pages. I made a 1000000 copies of these and passed them out in the a group surreptitiously. Nobody knows where they came from.

I'm telling you, I I dropped them off. Blame me. Here, he says, sobriety, freedom from alcohol through the teaching and practice of the 12 steps is the sole purpose of an AA group. Groups have repeatedly tried other activities, therapy, legal advice, medical advice. Just stop taking those antidepressants.

Screw you. Mind your own business. Can you tell me how to get connected to God? No? Then shut up.

Then shut up. Because that's all you that's all your job is to do here. Can you do one thing well? Here it is. Groups have repeatedly tried other activities, and they have always failed.

A chief responsibility to the newcomer is an adequate presentation of the program, as Bill sees it. It's in a letter of 1940 46, I believe. My chief responsibility to the newcomer, I don't care if I'm in New York or Texas, wherever I'm at, is a clear understanding of what the 12 steps are about. You don't wanna hear about the 12 steps? Then I've got nothing to share with you.

Nothing. But we have so many people leaving our fellowship, because they get sick and tired of getting caught in this cul de sac of trying to fix the alcoholic and addict. We're not here to help you with your medical problems. We're not here to help you with your mental problems. We have doctors.

We have referrals. We can we can help you get connected to people that can help you. I'm not a lawyer. I don't know nothing about relationships. Can you imagine the the how like like walk into a room full of people that have probably been divorced more times than anybody, Looking for advice on relationships.

Come on, guys. I don't know nothing about none of that. Damn. What I do know is this. What I do know is this.

In 1987, when I walked back into Fellowship of Alcoholic Synonymous after that suicide attempt, I walked into a room full of people a lot like you, and they were all laughing, and they were good looking, and they were having a great time, and they were all carrying a big book. They all had a book like this that was sitting on the tables, and they were long shotgun. They were all smoking cigarettes, and I walked into that room, and I knew the minute I walked in that I'd screwed up. Because this didn't seem like the sensitive, quiet group that I was I was waiting for them to say, who's got the problem? Because, buddy, I'm less than 24 hours away from a suicide attempt.

I got a lot of problems that I really need to share with you, you know? And this group, they didn't wanna hear any of that crap. They didn't wanna hear it. They didn't give me a chance to share. What they did was, we got a newcomer in this room.

Let's all go around. Guys, I'll never forget the chairperson and what he said. He said, let's share, instead of our war stories about how we got here, because Chris has been around this fellowship forever, we all know him, because they've watched they've everyone a minute handed me a dire desire tip at one time or another, and they said, we we don't wanna play this game. Let's why don't we share the good stuff? Why don't we share why we stay in this fellowship?

Give me a give me a 1 or 2 minute how is your life better today as a result of the steps? Just like Bill Wilson. Never mind the must be passed. Tell me about today. Because if my life's not better today, folks, why am I still here?

Why am I so passionate? Because my life for the last 15 years has continually got better. I had low moments. I've been through some tough times, but I come out smelling like a rose every time. And it's like, we just did the 3rd step prayer.

The 3rd step prayer said, God is gonna remove my difficulties, so victory over the difficulties. What does that tell to me? That God's gonna remove the difficulties. All we gotta do is suit up and show up and see what the miracle's gonna be. You see, and when I got to the fellowship, I didn't believe any of that was gonna happen.

I'm gonna tell you a quick story real quick. Because I was talking to Kath the other day about it, and that first AA meeting I was there, and I was sober a a year or so. And I'd initially, I'd hit the floor running, and I'd work the steps, and I'd and I was I was active in the fellowship and a lot of good stuff had come my way. But about the year, year and a half, I I got complacent. The book talks about sitting on our laurels and I got a little complacent.

You know, I got a little girlfriend on the side, you know, I'm making a little money, but the depression's coming back at warp speed. I'm not I'm not a happy camper. And, and the truth of the matter is I'm just I'm irritable, restless, and discontent. The spiritual malady is returning. The spiritual sickness is returning.

I'm sitting in meetings every night, but I'm not doing the work. And a newcomer walks in, stand up there, look look like a newcomer, you know, and I'm I look the other way. Don't don't look now. He might come over here. I don't wanna I don't wanna screw with him tonight.

I don't know. Just don't let's just talk, like, you know, and that's and what we do, we get a little click, we smoke a little cigarettes, we look around, you know, and the newcomer sits over there and looks like like lost. Shame on us. I and I'm guilty as I can be of doing it. And that's what was going on with me about a year and a half, 2 years into the fellowship.

And, I remember coming into a 6 o'clock meeting one night, and this girl, it turned out to be the same girl that that got between me and the door the night that I walked into AA and wouldn't let me out. She was a little 19 year old girl and she hooked her little finger in my belt and set me down and said, sit down buddy. Listen. You're not going anywhere because I was backing out. I didn't wanna listen to your laughter.

I wanna go home and finish the job I'd started the night before. Because this time, I was gonna make it stick. I'm hurting too bad, folks. And she wouldn't let me up. And if it hadn't been for that little 19 year old girl, I'd have been dead tonight.

Bless her. Bless her. She's up there at this meeting, right, 2 years I'm about 2 years, I guess, sober. And she's up at this meeting, Jared, and beginning of the meeting she wants to say, before we get started, I'd like to share a thing that happened to me in sobriety. And she had a set of car keys on the table and she lifted them up and she's jingling the car keys.

And I could see this new set of keys, you know. You got the dealer tag on it, you know, and I'm going, oh, shit. She got 2 years sober, and I'm still driving the old beat up pickup truck I came in on. You know? I mean, and this this punk, this kid, she got her brand new ride outside.

And I'm grinding my teeth the whole meeting. I'm just pissed. I'm just you know, thanks, god. Thanks, god. 2 years, I've been here, been of service to you.

Now this this this little girl has got a brand new car, and I'm still driving this old banged up self pity self pity self pity. You got it? I'm walking out the door. I'm wearing one of those my uniform, we were my uniform was a I don't know if they you free the Loom t shirts? Y'all with free with a little pocket on it.

And about the you you wash it about a 1000 times, you know, because that's all you got. And by the time the pocket used to be over here when it was new, and now it's right here in the center of the store. It's just, you know what I'm talking about? Gary, you probably got a dozen of them in your closet. You know, it's like, that's that's what we wore.

I was working in a warehouse for heaven's sake. And I get and I had I'm walking out the door and I threw my dollar down and I walked out and my sponsor, he was sitting right across the but he could see what was going on. I was fuming. I'm like and he grabbed me he grabbed me in the collar like this. And as he put I'm pulling and it ripped.

Oh, great. Now I'm driving an old beat up car and a torn shirt now. You know, I'm just he says, buddy, we need to talk. You sat through through the whole meeting and ground your teeth. Now, let me ask you some questions, buddy.

Let's let's talk about this. First off, before you do, let's go up and congratulate her for the good things that have happened in her life. I said, you kissed my butt. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

To heck with her and her car. Big. Self pity. I'm gonna tell you something, that man saved my life that night. He grabbed me around the little neck.

No, and he pulled me out the back door, and he said now, mister Big Shot, let's go over your little life. Let's do a little 10th, 11th, and 12th step right now. Where are you at in your fellowship? Where are you at in your program? I ain't seeing you chairing a meeting.

In 6 months, you haven't chaired a meeting. How many guys are you sponsoring? Well excuse me? How many? Well, I'm not sponsoring anybody right now.

Oh, great. We've got about 8 treatment centers in about a 20 mile radius cranking out thousands of alcoholics a week into our fellowship, and you've got nobody to sponsor. Why is that? Because you're selfish and self centered to the core. Selfish and self centeredness, my book says, is the root of the trouble.

And now a little girl who's active in the fellowship and had been busting her butt since the day she walked in here is starting to reap the rewards of this world. And you, you little arrogant piss ant. You with me? No. But, you know, come on guys.

Everybody says, I I would have just died if my sponsor never talked to me like that. You're gonna die anyway. What is this? This is nuts. You're gonna go out and drink anyway.

This man loved me enough to tell me the truth. He got right in my face and said, buddy, no. Let's look at your behavior. Look at what you're doing. You're fixing to wah wah wah yourself right out of here because you're feeling sorry for yourself.

Why don't you do what she's doing and see what God brings you? And if I we took us about 30 minutes to get past this, and I did exactly what he said, and I went up and thanked him for chairing the meeting, and I hugged your little neck, and I even took a ride around the block in that stupid car of hers. Do you follow me? And I'm grinding my teeth the whole way, but here's oh, jeez. Let me tell you what happened.

Let me tell you what happened. Immediately after that though, I started doing what he asked me to do. And I went in the in the in the meeting hall, and I put my name on the board, and I signed up for a couple of meetings. You follow me? They needed an intergroup rep at the time and I signed up for intergroup rep and anything else that they asked me to do, by God, I was there.

I started putting Alcoates Anonymous back on the front burner again. Because I'm 2 years sober folks, and I'm ready to back out of this fellowship, the fellowship that saved my life. And that's why I couldn't stay sober. And now I'm there, and I'm back on the front line, firing line of life again, and life got good. I'm gonna tell you something, guys.

Life is great. That's the truth. That's the truth. Life is the best. It's the things that happened, folks.

I had some good times in a bad time. I was in a marriage for about 9 years, and that went south, a year or so ago, and I met Patty and Patty broke us up and, you know, we just Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Yeah. I met I met Patty.

I met Patty. We started visiting a little bit. No. We got a great we got we have a wonderful relationship, and I got a great job that I that I love, and I got I just bought a little house down there in the Hill Country that y'all can all come visit. And and it's I mean, it's it's the coolest.

I get a chance to not isolate myself like I was doing for the last few years. I get a chance to get back on the firing line of Alcoholics Anonymous again. And I'm so honored to have have the chance to do that. The desire to drink has been removed from me, folks, and hadn't returned in 15 years, and that's the message we need to carry to the newcomer. Our arrogance and what we hear in meetings is that some of us are gonna get have that experience and others are not.

And that's absolute crap. Everybody that I know everybody everybody that I know that has worked the steps has had the same experience. And I need to say this because I think sometimes what happens, especially in the circle of men and women that I hang with, sometimes we become a bit anal about these steps. Folks, the steps are very general in nature. And I'm not real real sure that I wanna get up here and split hairs with somebody about how they work the steps.

The book says what it means, it means what it says, and I believe we need to go along those lines. But the book in Bill's story says quite clearly, we're each gonna share our story. Our story, the way we work the steps. It's not about how you work the steps, folks. It's the attitude that you brought to it.

Somebody walked up to my desk the other day and dropped an 80 page 4 step. Boy, you gotta get this. You gotta look at this 80 pages. Can you imagine me dropping that on a newcomer's desk? He just go out and shoot himself.

Is it is it a good 4 step? I couldn't tell you. Because because I took it like this and just dumped it in the garbage. Why is it that we took a very simple thing called a 4 step that could have been done in about 30 or 40 minutes, and we've turned it into this very simple program, folks, designed to work in a very few days. And we wanna take it and turn it into some goddamn complicated it's just not that critical.

Steps are important. I'm gonna say it again. I believe it's the attitude we bring into the steps. A cursory look at the websites. Guys, there's there's people out there that workshop every other weekend about how to do this and how to do that and how to do this and how to do that.

You got I talked to the guy last night. I got drunk because I didn't make all my ends. I'm gonna submit something to you. That's a crock of shit. You got drunk because you weren't actively out there working with another alcoholic.

And that's what my book said. That's my experience. You don't have to agree with it if you don't want to. My experience is this, if my sobriety is based on making one single amends, I'm in trouble. If my sobriety is based on the fact that I missed meditation this morning, one day, I'm in trouble.

If my sobriety is based on the fact that I didn't do a a 400 name resentment inventory, Guys, I don't have that much resentment in me. I didn't 15 years ago. Give me 10 good names. Give me 10 names of the names that are blocking you out from the sunlight of the spirit. The 10 names that you're grinding your teeth over.

Let's finish the stupid thing. Get to the 4th column. Look at your part. Let's go make some amends to the cats that we need to make amends to, and then let's get back out there like we're supposed to be doing on the firing line alive, kicking butt and taking names. We need to be bearing witness to God's power.