The "Miracles of Nebraska" Nebraska State Convention in Omaha, NE

Thank you, David. Those are ready. Oh, good evening, everybody. I'm Loretta, and I'm a cocaine addict. Hi, Loretta.

It is by the grace of God, this fellowship and my sponsor that I've been clean and sober since April 23, 1989. I want to first thank the convention committee for inviting me to come up here and speak. I know they've gone to a lot of work and, it's always a privilege to be asked to come and and do of service whatever I can. You know, when I first started coming into the meetings, I thought it was just gonna be pretty much dealing with my cocaine habit. But I remember, when somebody was doing a reading, it said something about being clean and sober.

And I thought, well, goodness. That doesn't mean everything, does it? And it was explained to me that, yes, that meant any mood or mind altering substances. That meant my alcohol. That meant the pot.

That meant the pills. That meant the coke. That meant everything. I was really sad I didn't smoke cigarettes. I'd have to give that a 2.

You know, when I first started coming in to see, I think my favorite, meetings were the ones where they did the speakers, you know, because I would see people up there and they look so normal, you know, and I just couldn't understand how they would, you know, understand where they've been or how could they have been at it because they just looked, you know, too good. And so I always enjoyed the speaker meetings because I think, you know, finding out where they came from, what they went through, and where they're at now really helps me to kinda, you know, have hope to know that I can get through this. So I'm gonna give you a little bit of my experience, strength, and hope, and, hopefully, that will help somebody out here tonight. The earliest I can remember actually doing any kind of coke was, when I was dating this guy named Randy. Not Randy, Randy, but And, you know, when I when I lived with Randy, you know, I thought, you know, I was being so cool because I'd moved out of the house because I didn't like all the things that were going on at the home there.

You know, a lot of fighting, a lot of arguing. And, I really thought if I could move out, things would be a lot better. And, so I moved in with him, and for a while, things were fine. You know, we had fun. We partied a lot.

And then he introduced me to cocaine. And I tried snorting that stuff, and I just couldn't understand why anybody liked it. It just didn't do a thing to me, I thought. But, apparently, it did because once I started doing it, I didn't wanna stop. And it seemed like it just kinda snowballed from there.

We'd do coke. We'd drink. We'd smoke. You know, if we're getting too high, we'd take some pills to get down. And we're too down, and we'd take them to get up and do more coke.

And, you know, before you know it, we're doing it night and day and weekends and all week and the next weekend and just it just got really crazy. But I never thought to stop, you know. So, it just seemed like we kept arguing a lot and it got to the point where he would get in these real bursts. And, I usually was on the brunt of that, you know, so I went through quite a few beatings myself. But I always thought it was the next day he was sorry, and he didn't mean it.

So I could just, you know, I love him, so I'll put it up with it. You know? Never thinking that maybe there might be a problem with all our alcohol and drug and cocaine use. You know? I think the last time that I ever was really with him, I'd come home late 1 night.

And, during a period there, I had run into John. And when I met John, it just seemed like, he was so much nicer, you know, than Randy. And, you know, it was, that's a whole long story there too. You know, and John was was living with somebody too and I didn't care. You know, I was living with somebody too.

I just figured, you know, whatever. But, we had so much we had so much in common. We had a lot of fun and he wasn't mean and he wasn't, you know, ornery. And we had a good time when we partied. You know?

And so, eventually, it got to the point where I wanted to leave that relationship and more or less, you know, continue on with John. And the last time, I had come home after being out with John for quite a long time, I came home and the lights were on and I came in and there he was waiting for me, and it got really ugly. And I thought I was gonna die that night. And I ended up running downstairs to the, people downstairs and, said call the cops. You know, I'm tired of this.

It's time to time to get out of here and, you know, and leave. But when the cops came, they were very nice. You know, they thought, we'll help her out. So I said, I just wanna get my stuff. I just wanna leave.

You know, the guy's nuts. Well, when we when the cops and I came back up to the, the house, the lights were all off. And I thought, oh, this is really cute. He's probably waiting in the dark for me now. And I, I turned the lights on and the cops were coming behind me and it was like, yeah.

Okay. What you know, you really had somebody in here? And I said, oh, yeah. You know, I was all bloodied and stuff. And I got into the bedroom, and there it was laying on the water bed just stark naked.

Just, what's going on? You know? Oh, no. And I oh, yes. Oh, I'm gonna tell you what's going on.

And so, you know, the cops are really nice and so I just start packing up my stuff to leave. And all of a sudden, they noticed over there was a triple beam scale and a few baggies and some things marked, you know, 1a half and things like that. I guess they figured that wasn't, you know, brownies or anything. So ended up, next thing I know, I'm being handcuffed and, the both both of us are being handcuffed and taken to jail for possible possession of cocaine with the intent to deliver. And I thought, how did I ever get to this point?

You know, here I am 20 some years old, moved out, big girl, taking care of myself and, you know, I've gotten in more trouble than I ever dreamed of. And I think the hardest thing was, I called John to tell him, come get me out of here. And he's like, honey, I can't do that. And I'm like, well, you're you're wonderful. You're great.

Thanks. So the next thing I had to do was call my mom and dad. And you talk about being, humbling. You know? I had to call up my dad and tell him where I was at and why I was there, and could you please come bail me out?

And I'll never forget when I came into the courtroom the next day. And I don't know if any of you have ever been in jail, but that's not a very nice place to be. A lot of screaming and yelling, there's no privacy. I had, you know, there's bars all over, and I had to go to the bathroom really bad, but I went, uh-uh. You know?

People were screaming and yelling, and I kept thinking, you know, how did I get myself into this predicament? You know? And, when my mom and dad came to get me next day, I was really embarrassed, you know, because here I was all beat up and stuff, and I had to really, you know, admit that I had, you know, I had some I had some problems, not too many. But, that kinda ended the whole thing with, Randy even though he still continued to stalk me and he continued to harass me and other things, you know, but I knew if I could just stay away from him, life would be better. So I shifted my concentration on John, and we enjoyed one another's company a lot to the point where we decided to get married.

And I thought this is gonna be great. We're gonna get married. We'll have that white picket fence, you know, all the 3 kids, you know, nice car, nice job. And, the night of our wedding, of course, I was downstairs in the basement of the reception hall doing my lines with a few of my girlfriends. And I don't know where John was at, probably up in the reception place.

And, when we were leaving that night, I remember, taking all the money that we got for our wedding gift, and John was sitting there paying the dealer. You know? And I'm just sitting here going, you know, woah, you know. I think that's our money. And he says, yeah.

But we we did a lot of coke. I said, I don't think I did that much, you know. Apparently, he did a lot. You know? So it just you know, that was kinda like my first thought.

You know, this isn't really gonna be that picture perfect kinda, you know, married life. And, you know, things were okay for a while. You know, we still like to party and have fun and and then I got pregnant. And, to me, that kinda changed a lot of things. I didn't stop partying, but, you know, all of a sudden now we had a little one to kinda take care of.

And I think that's where it really started to bother me. All of a sudden, I'm the one that's gotta stay up and, you know, make sure she's fed and whatever and, you know, I want my sleep. But he was still up for days days, and I was trying to stay up with him. But I can't do that and do that and do the kids. And and it just eventually, you know, it just seemed like the fun wasn't fun anymore, you know.

And then I ended up, another year later, I think it was, I got pregnant with my second son, our second child. And I think before he was a year, I think, is when John and I really got to almost, you know, I we couldn't do it anymore. You know? We were arguing and fighting. And to me, it was pretty much my mom and dad all over again.

I was I grew up and I turned into being my mom, which I swore I wouldn't do. You know, it's funny how that happens. You know? And, you know, we we just sat down. I just said I can't take this anymore.

You know? You know, I can't find you. I don't know where you're at. You know, I just I hate you know? So, luckily, John decided that he would go in for the consultation or evaluation thing up at Emmanuel, and, I was really blessed that he decided to go in for treatment.

You know? And I really thought, you know, this will be the end of it. All my problems will be gone, you know. John will get all fixed up and I'll be better. We're still working on John.

But, you know, what was really interesting is him going into, treatment up at Emmanuel. I went to be the very supportive wife, you know, because that's what I was supposed to do. But I can remember going to these meetings up at Emmanuel back in a little room, and there wasn't a a whole lot of people there, but I kept hearing things that really kinda hit home. It was like they were talking. They were telling my story, and I thought, oh, I can't relate to these guys.

You know? They're sick. And I'll never forget when I met, Molly, you know, for the first time. She just comes up and gives a big old hug, and I was like, oh, okay. Stay away.

You know? It was like they were they wanted something, you know, And they did. They wanted my phone number. I'm like, no. No.

No. No. No. No. I'm just I'm just here with John.

You know? And Molly I can never forget. Molly asked me, and you did how much Coke and you're not? And I'm like, no. No.

Well, I went on for at least a couple more years doing my thing, and John got better and I got worse. And I realized that, you know, this is a problem I have. The last time I ever used, I was out with my brother. And I told myself, you know, if I see him, I'm not gonna do any coke. I'll just say no.

You know, you you can just say no. Right? Well, I didn't because he put that coke out and I did it as soon as it was out there, and I was off to the races. And I used and we partied all night till, like, 5:30 in the morning. And I thought, you know what?

I better bring my toothbrush so that I can kind of, you know, brush my teeth and clean up a little so you'll never know I've been out all night partying. It it didn't work. But the thing that got me was I was like, I tried to slip into bed at 5:30, 6 o'clock in the morning without noticing. Yeah. He sat there and he asked me the same things that I asked him 2 years ago, you know.

And I thought, you know what? I got a problem, you You know? Because it's not him anymore. I can't point the finger at anybody anymore. It's me.

And the next day, I couldn't get up out of bed because I was just so wired from all nighter. You know? And I'll never forget. There was a parade up in Benson I promised my kids I would take them too, and I couldn't get off the couch. And our next door neighbor lady, Lucille, who is probably at this time 68 years old, takes my 2 little kids up there so they can see the parade.

You know? And I'm laying there at the couch thinking, you know, here I am. I'm not keeping my promises to my kids. You know? I'm lying to myself.

I'm sneaking. You know? This this just isn't right. And that's when I told, John, you know, I think I got a little problem. Yeah.

And I think he was very happy and a little relieved. I finally came around to that one. But, that's when I started going into meetings, and I had dabbled a little bit with, Al Anon because I wanted to know what that was like. I also went to, adult children and alcoholic meetings. Early on when John went into treatment, they had they kept they were kept asking me questions, like, and they couldn't understand how I wasn't in there with him, you know, if I was with them all along partying.

How come I wasn't also coming into the treatment center thing? And I said, oh, no. I don't have a problem with that. But they were talking to me, and they said, you know what? I think you might have a slight problem with codependency.

Yeah. And I'm like, well, no. I was just covering for them. I just was there to, you know, make sure everything worked and things were, you know, set right. So I ended up I ended up going through codependency treatment because I didn't realize that I'm supposed to allow the other person to live their life and suffer the consequences for whatever they did, just like I should be doing the same thing for me.

So I went through all that, but I tell you, I was really scared and I was really confused, but I don't think I've ever been to a meeting where I wasn't warmly welcomed. You know, The door was always open. People were always there. Somebody was always willing to give you a ride, a hug, you know, a phone number, talk to you, and spend time with you. You know?

And to me, that's where I really understood how come the newcomer was probably the most important person ever at a meeting. You know? And And if anybody of you here are new tonight, I hope that, you know, through the weekend, you get to know many of us quite well, and we become very good friends because I've got a lot of really good friends in here except David. Some of them you may not want. But, you know, I found out, I think, early in sobriety that it was a real important thing to have a good spiritual foundation.

And I didn't quite understand what all this higher power and god thing was. But you know what? The more I came to meetings and the more I started to listen to other people, tried to trust somebody else, you know, with what I was going through, you know, it started to make sense to me. I think I started to have an attitude change, a personality change, a little bit more willingness in there, you know, that honest openness and willingness, the how of the program, but it's still based on a very close spiritual foundation. I've been blessed to have the same sponsor all these years and, you know, Mary never ceases to amaze me.

I can always learn from her. I can remember when I started going to meetings, she would say, I want you to work steps. And for the ladies in the house that I sponsor, you know I do the same thing. You know? But it's so important.

And I can remember going to meetings, and every Tuesday night, I'd go over to Mary's house. We'd go down to her basement, you know, let go and let god. It's like, well, how do you do that? Where's the manual? You know, let go and let god.

It's like, well, how do you do that? Where's the manual? You know, do you just tear off a piece of paper and it goes? Or, you know, how do you get it back? You know?

I I'm one of these people. I gotta know how everything works. You know? And she was very patient with me. And she was very loving.

And I was really afraid she wasn't gonna like me when she heard all the terrible things I did. And what was really neat is that she shared things that she went through, and I was just I wasn't as bad as she was. So this is gonna work. Okay? You know?

But she took time with me, and that's, I think, was most important. I didn't have a whole lot of people in my life that would take time, you know, time to listen to me, time to, you know, give me some direction. And it was nice to hear in the meetings when they would say, well, what is God? And that's good, orderly direction. And I thought, okay.

I can handle that. You know? Somebody tell me what I'm supposed to do, how I do this. And a lot of it was keep coming back. You know?

Keep listening to the stuff that said in the meetings. Keep listening to the solutions. You know? Listen to that experience strength and hope. And it made sense.

And the next thing I know, my sponsors got me cleaning tables and dumping ashtrays and making coffee, and I thought, I don't get this part of it. You know? Is this supposed to help me stop using Coke? I'm home cleaning up my own coffee pot and I'm not, you know, I'm not but, you know, it takes a while for you to understand, at least it did for me, and it was to be of service, you know. Understand, at least it did for me, and it was to be of service.

You know? That's what I was doing. I was getting out of self and thinking of others and doing service service work. And even to this day, I find myself cleaning the tables, you know, making the coffee, greeting people because, you know, that was important to me when I first came in. You know, it was wonderful to have the people here tonight to greet you and come in.

And is everybody getting their little stickers going for the hugs? Okay. Good now. We'll make sure you get lots of those tonight. But another thing that, I think kept me coming back to meetings was the fact that it was not just meetings, but there was also fellowship just like this weekend.

You know, we've got this convention that we can all come together and share and do stuff. But there I can remember we had pig roast, you know, and there were, bowl around the world. That was kind of our dance around the world. We'd bowl around the world. You know, and for the ladies, in the house, we, do a women's ornament exchange.

We exclude the men. It's just for the women. And I can remember having one at my house and, you know, it was absolutely a blast. I had 20, 30 women in my little house, and and we get pretty down and dirty when we go for those ornaments. Yeah.

But we had fun, you know, and it was it was just something that, you know, we we did together, you know, which is something I like to have, you know, besides just meetings all the time. But, you know, the service work was really important to me. And I'll I remember when I was first asked to actually speak and tell my story was at Saint Gabe's. And, I went in there, and I was, really touched by a lot of the people that were new just coming out of detox or whatever that I was telling my story to. I mean, they were starving for anything that they could hold on to and have some kind of hope, you know.

And I really didn't think I had anything to give, you know. What can I share with somebody that would would help? And I had probably 3 people came up to me after that meeting and they said, you know what? You told my story. You know, I got so much out of yours.

I've got, you know, stuff that I can now, you know, deal with and and try to address and work on. You know, and I thought if if that is all it took, you know, that's a very small thing for me to do to help some other addict. I will never forget when I took one of the ladies. It started out as not a 12 step call because I knew her, and she was very ill. And I had previously sponsored her, but she said that she really thought she was dying and she needed an ambulance or something, and she couldn't get off the floor to get it.

And so I told her I would be over there and I'd take her to the hospital, there. Checked her out and they said, you know, you've been here a couple times already. You really need to be, you know, admitted. So the only place we could find a bed open was down at Saint Gabe's, so we called down there. And and I've never taken anybody to the new campus of Hope.

And so I'm going down there at 12:30 at night with her thinking we go to the front door, which is locked. And we're standing out there trying to ring the doorbell, and some guy walks by on the street, comes and approaches us. By now, I am, like, freaking out. You know? She's like, hi.

You know? And I'm like, oh, that was scary. Luckily, there were some people thank you smokers because there were a couple of smokers down there at Campus of Hope outside, and they heard us kind of making a commotion out front. They got somebody out there to come and get her. Apparently, you're supposed to go around the Nicholas Street side if anybody wants to know.

K? So, you know, it it was it was I was relieved to know that she was there. You know? And as I found out, she left 3 days later. All I can do in the program is is be there when somebody asks for help.

I can't force you to stay sober. You know, I can't make you do what, you know, you don't wanna do. And that's probably one of the hardest things in the program for me is to know that I don't have any control over what other people do. I can tell you what I've done. I can suggest some things, but it's up to you.

You know? I remember going through the steps with my sponsor and it we got to this part about resentments, And I had a bunch of them for my mom because I really blamed her. You know? How dare she raise me like this and, you know, look at how I turned out. And I'll never forget the the counselor talking to me, said, you know, how old were you when you moved out?

I said I was 18. 2 weeks right after high school, I was out of there. And he goes, and who made the decisions after that? Well, I you know, you know, me. He goes, oh, okay.

So you moved out. You made your decisions, and you're blaming your mom. Is that right? Well, yeah. Yeah.

No. Sorry. It doesn't work that way. So this is, I think, where I finally understood what it meant to be, a dysfunctional family. You know, I thought, oh, great.

Another label. Good. You know? Now I'm an addict and alcoholic. I'm codependent.

I'm, you know, dysfunctional, whatever. You know? So but working on the steps with those resentments, it was like I had so much anger toward her. And it finally came out, the reason I had so much anger toward her is because she was just like me. And I would have to finally admit that she was sick just like I was and then forgive her.

You know? That was really hard. And the part where Mary tells me I'm supposed to get down on my knees every night and pray for her every night for 2 weeks, Oh. And she says, well, do it. And when you start out, just tell God you're doing this because Mary said so.

You know? So I would. I'd get down there and I'd say, Mary told me to do this, so I don't believe this is gonna work, but here it goes. You know? And after about 2 months, you know, it didn't take 2 weeks.

It took me about 2 months. I finally got it in my head that, you know, I need to pray for my mom. I need to pray for other people and especially, you know, those that are still suffering, that eventually they'll find some peace and some serenity, some help. You know, because it's it's vicious out there. And then we had we got onto the list of other people that have resentments for and, of course, Randy's name came up, and I had probably 5 pages on him.

And I didn't see any reason why I had to forgive him because, you know, he did did a whole lot of he shouldn't have done and, you know, and they said, you know what? God will take care of it. You know? God has a way of taking care of things. And I thought, well, you know what, God?

Just, you know, shoot him and I'd be fine. You know? And I got a phone call one day, and it was Randy's mom, and she told me that he had passed away. Well, no. She didn't tell me he passed away at first.

She said, where was that place you guys went for vacation up in Minnesota? And I was like, why? What do you do? Run away? Take the car?

You know? Wasn't nice. She said, no. He's dead. And I said, good.

I hope he suffered. And she was like, how could you say that? And I says, well, you want me to repeat everything he's ever done to me? You know, you were there. She came down here that night, the next day for court when we had to be picked up, and she saw what I looked like.

Right. You know? But I understand there are a lot of sick people, and people deny and whatever. But, you know, I had to work on that one too because because I found out if I harbor any resentments, it eats away at me. I'm the one that loses sleep at night, not them.

You know? It's messing with my serenity, my peace. I can't let go and have god in my life. You know? It's gotta be get rid of the resentment and let the joy come in.

So that was pretty hard, but I got through it. And, you know, I found out that he had died from an aneurysm to the brain. It was just a very uncanny thing, and I thought, oh, gotta watch out what you pray for. You know, I just assumed God must have worked in that aspect of it. You know?

And there were many other things that I had to work on resentments for. I was resentful for John because I thought, you know, if he could have just learned how to do coke right, we wouldn't have gotten this predicament in the 1st place. I kept telling him if he'd let me run the dope deals, we'd had made some money, you know, but it didn't work out that way. You know? And it just it just it just amazing how things, you know, happen.

And, you know, my mom, after working on all those resentments and stuff, you know, I've started to I started to have to Mary told me I had to do something nice for my mother once a week. No no matter what it was, once a week, I had to do something nice. And so I started to call her up, and I started to come over. And eventually, I would just you know, it just like all of a sudden things started to feel okay. So I would start to give her flowers, you know.

I'd come over and we'd go to lunch and things like that. And I got to really, I really got to love my mom. She's a really neat lady. She loved to have fun. You know?

And I realized, you know, for her trying to raise 9 kids without a whole lot of money, my dad worked for a lumber company and my mother taught, so there wasn't a whole lot of food to go around and whatnot. So she did the best she could, you know, and I got to realize that really too late. But I just, cherish the time that I had with her because she got really sick and she died a couple of years ago. And I'll never forget when Mary told me, she said, if your mom dies tomorrow, are you gonna be okay with it? And I said, yeah.

Because I've done everything I've ever wanted to do with her. You know, I've made my peace with her. I've I've, you know, I've tried to be nice to her. You know, I got to thinking, you know, here I am. I'm expecting so much out of her.

And it's like, what have I done? You know, what effort have I made? And I told God, I said, you know what? Please don't take parents away from me that fast. I think I'd be better off if they were ill for a long time and then I could, you know, prepare myself.

And you know what? You gotta watch out what you pray for. Because my dad had a stroke. He had a stroke this year. And my youngest sister called us up, and she said dad's at the hospital.

And I went into the emergency room and there he was and I couldn't even hardly communicate with him because he was just so, you know, paralyzed. And I'll never forget what a lot of people in the program had told me is that I am not here to be consoled. I'm here to console them. And so I wanted to be sure I was there for my family and to help out wherever I could. And they put my dad in the intensive care or at first, he was in the, CCU unit, then he went to, intensive care about 4 weeks after that.

And it was it was pretty rough. You know? You got 7 of us here in town that, we have such a clash of personalities. Teresa will attest to that one. You know?

And it just was really hard, and I can remember when, dad said, you know, that he didn't wanna be on the ventilator anymore. And we tried to explain to him, you know, if you take that off, you die. And he said, I know. He was okay with that. I wasn't.

You know, I just thought, no. No. No. No. You gotta live forever.

And, we brought him home and this was right around Easter weekend and, he was supposed to pass away in 48 hours. And God love him, he lived, like, another 10 days. And we were kind of in a panic because we were expecting daddy to pass and he didn't. And then all of a sudden, we have, dad there at at home that we need to take care of 247 and, you know, none of us knew what to do. So, you know, we're calling the hospice people and all this stuff and and, oh god, it's really a lot of fun trying to schedule 7 of us here and schedules for the evenings and the weekends, and, you know, it just, you know, it was something else.

And I I remember I'd pray at night. I'd just tell God, you know, either he lives or take him. Because I hated to see him suffer. And toward the end there, he was in a lot of pain because a lot of that fluid on his lungs would build up and stuff and we couldn't get it out of him fast enough. And he'd always tell us, hurry up.

Hurry up. Hurry up. I couldn't hurry up and do anything because, you know, there wasn't anything we could do. And, God bless him. You know, he passed away on April 25th.

Oh, it was like, you know, please, God, I want you to take him because but he wasn't he wasn't you know, that's not the way he wanted to live. And so now we have 9 kids trying to deal with life without any parents. And it was very hard and it's still very hard. But I know they're together and I know they're up there raising But something that just really, you know, always kinda made me feel very, blessed was that for both my mom and for my dad, you know, I had everybody here from the program calling. You know?

Everybody was there to help, and I think I got a lot more support than I did from some of my family. You know? But, you know, I didn't use through it. I didn't even think about it because I remember my mom and my dad telling me both how proud they were of me. And that meant a lot From that girl that, you know, calls them up at 5:30 in the morning to bail her out of jail to, you know, 12 years later, finally doing what I was supposed to have been doing and should have been doing for years.

You know, it meant a lot. And, my dad was gonna come up and see me get my chip. I figured he saw it from heaven. And wouldn't you know how things go? 9 days after my dad died, John's dad died.

All of a sudden, a heart attack. And I think that just kind of hit on with me like, you know, it is just for today. That's all I am. And I need to make every day count. You know, I need to be out there helping others.

I need to be out there doing service work, you know. This cocaine is it's a killer, you know. The best man of our wedding, God bless him, he, he was a partier and, unfortunately, he passed away. We had another friend of ours that pretty much died of an overdose. You know?

It didn't faze me, though. I didn't think you know? I just figured he didn't know how to do cope right. You know? It's just, you know, it's just funny, you know, how things like that turn out.

You know? But I just I think now I realize life is very fragile. You know? And to do coke or to do any kind of drug is not going to give me any solution. It's not gonna give me any help.

You know, it's just gonna take me down. And there are times where I'm sure that if it wasn't for God, you know, I wouldn't I wouldn't be here. You know? And I've met some fabulous people in this program and few of them aren't here tonight either, you know, but I'm still praying for them because I know that's really all I can do is pray. Pray and keep doing what I'm supposed to do.

And I try very hard with a lot of the ladies that I sponsor, and I wanna thank Laurie for being here and Sherida, and I see Deb back there. You know, just working with you ladies and going through steps, I think I get more out of it than you guys do. You know, it's just I think it's just so endearing that we've got one another to really lean on. You know? Because I know if I called anybody in this room, he'd be there to help me.

And it's just it's so important, that fellowship. You know? We're all here together to help one another because, otherwise, when you go out there in that crazy normal world, you know, there isn't too many people that will do what we'll do for you. You know? I still get the calls in the middle of the night.

Preferably now, they're the ones for help, help call. You know? And, it's good because I need to be reminded every day of where I came from, you know, what I've been through because I can remember many a time when we were, going through some really bad times. I didn't have any food in the refrigerator, you know. And John's mom, god love her, she'd bring us over groceries just kinda like nonchalantly was in the neighborhood kinda thing.

Yeah. Just having to pick up a box of Pampers. Yeah. You know? So, you know, it's just the promises come true.

You know? I've got so many friends and so many blessings in here. I actually had, Randy's son called me last year, and I hadn't seen the boys. He has 2 boys. I hadn't seen him for probably 10, 15 years.

And Maddie called me and wanted to know if he could come over and talk to me. And I thought, well, yeah. You know, that's fine. And he came over and he sat down and he said, could you please tell me what my dad was like? Because I feel like I missed out on a great part of my life, you know, with him.

And I go, oh, well, you know, I said, I'll be honest with you. And I proceeded to tell him, you know, not any gory details, but I told him. I said, you know, your dad was really sick just like I'm sick. And he tried to get help, but I think it was just a little too late. You know?

And I just realized, you know, that we're here to help the addict and to help the families of the addict too because so many family members are affected by this. You know, it's not just what I've done. It's what I've done and rippled effect through everybody. And hopefully, by setting a good example and, you know, doing what I can do visually and not going out there and standing up on the soapbox and preaching it, but actually living it. That hopefully I'm an example to others as to what, you know, what you can do.

I've been through a lot, but I came on the other side with God's help, with a lot of help from everybody in here. You know? And life today is wonderful. You know? I'm so happy my sister, Teresa, is here tonight.

You know? She's the first time she's heard my story. Hopefully, she won't run out. But I just wanna have everybody, if they would, grab a hand, and if you guys could repeat after me. Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred Where there is hatred. I may bring love. I may bring love. Where there is wrong.

Where there is wrong. I may bring the spirit of forgiveness. I may bring the spirit of forgiveness. That where there is discord Where there is discord I may bring harmony. I may bring harmony.

Where there is error Where there is error I may bring truth. I may bring truth. Where there is doubt Where there is doubt. I may bring faith. I may bring faith.

Where there is despair. Where there is despair. I may bring hope. I may bring hope. Where there are shadows Where there are shadows I may bring light.

I may bring light. Where there is sadness Where there is sadness I may bring joy. I may bring joy. Lord Lord grant that I may seek Grant that I may seek. Rather to comfort.

Rather to comfort. Than to be comforted. Than to be comforted. To understand. Understood to love than to be loved than to be loved.

For it is by self forgetting It is by self forgetting. That one finds That one finds. It is by forgiving It dying. That one awakens That one awakens.