The "Miracles of Nebraska" Nebraska State Convention in Omaha, NE

Thanks, Harry. I'm Steve Sawtell. I'm an addict and alcoholic. Hi, Steve. And I'm grateful to be here today.

Thanks for the introduction, Harry. And, I've always felt real real close to Harry too. There is something about our stories, and Harry has a real calming influence on me. He always has. He's a real spiritual guy.

This has been a remarkable weekend. You know? I I think if you come to when we get together on one of these deals, you can't help but have the magic rip off on you. You know? And it, it's recharged a lot of things in me that needed recharging.

You know, it's, it's gotten me back to some gratitude, which is a place I desperately need to be as recovering addict. And I've been struggling with that, for a long time. It's no secret, at least to my sponsor, that, this has been a difficult year for me, really, very difficult year. And, you know, I'm thinking back on, the last 12 days and what happened 12 days ago with those horrific scenes we all saw on television. And and I know we don't have any opinion on outside issues, but, what happened that day is is, you know, that's life on life's terms, and it had an effect on me as I'm sure it did on everyone.

You know? And, at first, the effect was not very good. It was profound, but, as as I've gotten farther away from 12 days ago, it's restored my faith and my gratitude in a lot of ways. On on, September 10th, I flew to Indianapolis. I had a job to do out there.

And, then on September 11th, you know, that happened. And and, you know, just the horror of what I was watching, I really just wanted to be home. You know? I wanted to be home, and I wanted to be holding my daughter more than anything and just telling her that I loved her and it was gonna be okay. You know?

I'm I'm a pretty patriotic guy. I'm not a war hero like Harry. But it brought out a lot of feelings of, you know, the best way I can put it is just duty, honor, country, that kind of stuff, you know, and good things. And and I felt very disjointed being away from home and very lonely and very powerless, very helpless to do anything. And it was very hard for me to pray.

I still prayed, but and one of the things I tell guys that I sponsor is, when I encourage them to do a couple things with prayer, I say, try not to get up off your knees until it's more than just words that you're just regurgitating words, you know, until you feel what you're saying. And, I wasn't able to I wasn't able to do that. You know, I went through the motions, which I need to do, but it was it was just words. You know? And, I got back to Omaha finally, and, I was telling somebody about this.

You know? And and, they weren't taking me to task on what I was saying. They were just making some comments, and, they hit home with me. You know? I was talking about how how I was stranded, you know, in Indianapolis away from home, and and, they said, well, at least you weren't in New York.

You know? And, yeah, I wasn't. You know? And they said, well, at least you had a motel room. You know?

A lot of those people that got herded off those planes got put in a gymnasium for 3 or 4 days. And and, really, that's true. You know? And, it just put a lot of things in perspective on how really insignificant my problems are and how good I really do have it. You know?

And, those that is all a result of, the program of Cocaine Anonymous working in my life, that I do have it really so good, and my problems really aren't so big. And, the last year, I've been aware of the fact that, you know, I just haven't felt as well connected to the fellowship and to the program as I like to feel. You know? Not as well plugged in, not as much on the beam, not as serene and having as much peace of mind as as I have come to enjoy having, you know, since I got sober. And it helped in that respect too.

And this has helped in that respect. You know? I'd like to ask everybody just for the next hour or so to, find one thing that you have to be grateful for and hold on to it and latch on to it and think about it, and don't let it go. And if you knew and you you're having trouble finding that one thing, just thank god for the blessed fact of your sobriety, and you're here today. You know, the fact that I'm here today and and, not hold up in a motel room somewhere shooting dope is, proof on a daily basis to me that God's literally doing for me what I've never been able to do for myself, and that does make me grateful.

All I really have to offer you is my story. It's not much of a story, but I like the way I tell it. And, about my experience, strength, and hope, you know, of what it was like for me, what what has happened, and what it's like today. I, I grew up in Omaha in a in a alcoholic household. I spent a lot of time, blaming for that.

You know? I don't do that anymore. That's to me, that's just a cop out. Like the book says, my problems were basically of my own making. You know?

And my parents really did the best they could. They love me very much, and still do. But, I can tell you, and I could relate to a lot of things Jeff was saying last night in his story about not quite fitting in, you know, never measuring up. I felt that way ever since I can remember. You know?

And a lot of the things you were saying, Jeff, about, how, when you're out in the madness of your addiction is one compromise after another. You know? My god. Yes. You know, that that really hit home with me.

Growing up, I you know, I grew up in a middle class family in Omaha, and, we had a an image that we projected, and it was expected that we needed to project to to, everyone outside the four walls of our house of this perfect little family. You know? And inside the four walls of the house, it was anything but that. You know? You never knew when my dad was gonna yank down a chandelier or throw a drink in my mom's face or beat me up.

You know, he just, you never knew what it was gonna set him off. You know, it was like walking on eggshells, walking on thin ice, and, I see some people out there going like this. So, that's another thing I've learned in cocaine anonymous that was so important to me is that I'm not the only one. Anyway, that's what it was like at home. And, you know, if you don't know anything else, you think that's normal.

You don't have anything to compare it to. You think that's normal. People talking about not being comfortable in their own skin. You know, if if you never know what it's like to be comfortable in your own skin, you never you don't have anything to compare that to. That's normal.

You know? I, the first time I ever, drank anything, I started out with booze. And, I was about 12 years old. And my parents had gone out 1 night, and, there was always a a liquor cabinet full of liquor in our house. You know, my dad, the first thing he'd do when he got home from work was walk in the door, scream hello, and head for a scotch and soda.

You know? And I thought that was normal. I did that for a long time too. And, but, anyway, they had gone out one night, and I was home alone with my little sister. And, I chugged a quart of Scotch, and, that's all I remember.

You know? But I but I've been told what happened. And, what happened was my parents came home and and found me passed out on my bed in a pool of vomit. And, you know, I'm lucky I didn't asphyxiate myself right right then and there. And I'd also chased my sister around the house with a with a hatchet.

And, they threw me in the shower and, you know, but it was a blackout, the first time I ever drank. And, that was always the way I used, you know, whether it was drinking or drugging. I wanted to get so high that I could go duck hunting with a rake. You know, that was my objective. There was no in between.

That's where I wanted to be. I wanted to get out there wherever out there was. And, over the course of the next few years, I got to the point, where, you know, by I was 14 or 15, I was drinking every day to get drunk. And I was starting to I had started in that time to experiment with the drugs that were available in school. And and by the time I was 15, you know, I was drinking every day to get drunk, and I was smoking, you know, 4 or 5 joints every day.

Ominous warnings, which I failed to heed. But, I guess, during this time, I, you know, I was just pretty damn happy with myself. I I, I thought I was bulletproof, cock of the block, and, everything else. You know? And by the time I got to be a senior in high school, I'm old, man.

I mean, we used to call it the jocks and the heads, you know, as and, I was playing both sides of the fence. You know? I was the biggest drug dealer in school, and and I was a a real good athlete. You know? I was starting running back on the football team and starting to hard on the basketball team, and I was really good in track.

And I had the best girl looking girlfriend in school, and, man, I I was a real asshole too. You know? I I get up in the morning and I probably, looked in the mirror and said, you good looking tiger. Don't you ever die. You know?

But, What I was was I was a very shallow person, you know, and very into material things. And, you know, I was in high school, so that was kinda normal, I think. But by the time I was a senior in high school, I was doing a lot of drugs. I mean, you know, and it was whatever was a bills. I've got a friend here today, who is, not one of us, but, drove in from Western Nebraska.

And, Bill and I have been friends since we were little boys, and Bill has seen me at my worst. And, through it all, Bill has never judged me, and, he's just loved me and tried to be my friend and wanted me to get better. And, I have a couple of friends like that that are normies and, just remarkable people. And I hope you'll make Bill feel welcome after the meeting today if you haven't met him. Anyway, thank you for being here today, Bill.

By the time I was a senior in high school and and a junior for that matter, you know, I I knew in my head that I was an alcoholic. I can't explain that, but I just knew that, you know, and, I was smoking a lot of dope and doing a lot of mescaline and acid and whatever was around, you know, and going to class under these conditions. And, because I was such a good athlete, the rules didn't apply. You know? I got away with a lot of shit that other kids weren't getting away with.

And that is really, sums it up for me as, you know, I was almost like a sociopath. I mean, the rules just didn't apply. I just did what I wanted to do, and there were no consequences. My senior year, I spent a little time on this of my story because it had such an impact on me. Football season was over, so we didn't have practice after school, and basketball season hadn't started yet.

So we didn't have anything to do after school, and, my best friend and I jumped in my car, went to the liquor store, and, got a bottle of MD 2020 and a case of Budweiser and and, bag full of dope and went out pheasant hunting. And, you know, pheasant season wasn't open yet, but, we were we were really drunk and really high, which at the time was a normal condition. You know? And, we had no business pheasant hunting, 1, because the season wasn't open, and 2, because we had no business having firearms in our hands, you know, under those conditions. And, we were coming out of a field and, you know, because the season wasn't open, I mean, man, we were as far away from any civilization, any houses, any anything as you could get because we didn't wanna get caught.

We're coming out of this field and, just about the distance from me to Greg, my friend's gun went off and, hit me in the stomach. And I caught a full load from a 12 gauge shotgun at about that distance, you know, and, right in the abdomen. And, You know, I remember laying there, and there's been 2 a couple of times when this this the best way I can describe it is when you're dying, you know it. You know? And if you've had that experience, you know what I'm talking about.

And if you haven't, maybe you don't. But when you're dying, you know you're dying. And, I knew I was dying. You know, I had my eyes wide open. I was laying there on the ground, and and I was looking right at the sun, and all of a sudden, everything went black.

And my eyes were still open. I could still hear stuff, and and I just knew that if I lost consciousness right then that I was gonna die. And, this guy that shot me was in shock, and he kept trying to pick me up and carry me to the car. Well, he didn't know how to drive for one thing. And for another thing, the keys to the car had gotten blown into the middle of my leg with the with the, with the with the gunshot wound.

And, I grabbed him by the sideburns, you know, and and, pulled pulled his face down to mine. And, I just said, Herm, you gotta get help, or I'm I'm gonna die. You know? And it seemed to bring him out of it for a minute. And, just at that just at that moment, this little boy came riding up on a horse, and he was 8 or 9 years old and, saw what happened and and galloped off.

And then rescue squad came about half hour later. And to this day, nobody associated with this accident. The ambulance, the sheriffs, the myself, Herm, knows who that little boy was. You know? And as far as I'm concerned, he was an angel in my life, and I've had some experiences like that since then that are really meaningful to me.

I've tried to find that kid. You know? And nobody knows who he is or where he lives or anything about him. And they took me to the hospital, and, the first night of surgery, I had 12 hours of surgery with no anesthetic. And, they just literally took my guts out of me and put them on the table next to me, and we're slicing through them an eighth of an inch at a time, stitching up holes and taking out pellets and asking me if that hurt.

And, they stitched up over 1200 holes just in my intestines. And my parents were there, you know, and know the sheriff kept running out of the operating room going, like, really helpful. I can't believe he's still alive. You know? And and, great bedside manner.

You know? But I really wasn't supposed to live through that. And, the next morning, they moved me from Midlands Hospital to Methodist Hospital, where all my doctors were from. And and, when they got me to Methodist Hospital, they discovered that, not only did I not have any pulse in my right leg, but I hadn't had since this happened. The the femoral artery in my right leg had gotten totally severed, and the keys to the car had plugged that artery the whole time.

And they've been so busy operating on my belly that they didn't even get that far down on me or something, I guess. So I had 8 more hours of surgery that day, and, they told my dad at that point that, you know, we think we're gonna have to amputate his leg. And my dad told me, you know, that's the only time he ever really broke down and cried. And I still got my legs. So thank god.

But I spent the next 5 months in intensive care at Methodist Hospital, you know, and I had, tubes coming out of every orifice, and I had orifices that I didn't go in there with. You know? I mean, I I literally had a I had 2 holes in my belly that I could take my fist and stick them in up to here and not touch the backs or the sides of myself. You know, they were just, big gaping holes. And, the other thing that they did with during that 5 months was they came in and gave me a hypo full of morphine or Demerol every 2 hours, you know, which I needed at at the time and for quite a while after that.

But at some point during that 5 months, maybe about the three and a half month mark, I think, I didn't really need that shot every 2 hours, and I somehow crossed the line between needing it and wanting it. And I was aware of it, but I didn't say anything about it. And, at about the 4 month mark, these doctors came in 1 morning, and and they said, we're cutting you off of this stuff. And I said, what are you what are you talking about? They said, you're you're you're an addict.

You're addicted to this. And, I remember feeling about this big. You know? It really wasn't my own fault. But I was at the time, I was kinda like a garbage can.

Just throw it in and I'll take it. You know? And, the whole time that I was in there, you know, I kept having these aneurysms, and they kept having to rush me in for surgery, you know, where, something would blow up in my belly. And and, I had, my family coming in to see me and and, this priest coming in to see me, and and they were all telling me, what a miracle it was that I was alive and what a little trooper I was and how god had this plan for me. And I was getting all this outside stimulus, and on the inside, I couldn't have felt more the opposite.

You know, on the inside, I just felt hideous. You know? I mean, I had gone from a a £165 and a and a starting running back on our football team to, you know, a £105 and and just, a massive scar tissue and stitches and and a colostomy coming out of the side of me. And, I was very much into shallow things, like physical appearance at that time was probably the most important thing to me, and and I, I I came to hate myself in a lot of ways that I can't explain, but I'm very aware of. You know?

And and this was, this was 24, 25 years ago. Seemed like they didn't they didn't refer you to therapists and head shrinkers and stuff like that at the time. You know? It's just, you just went on. And and, you know, I'm quite the reason I spend so much time on this part of my story is I'm quite sure that when this accident happened, I was I was a drug addict, and I was an alcoholic.

And it would have, had the consequences for me ultimately that it did have. I'm not sure I would have become a junkie though, you know, because a junkie was always, somebody sitting under a bridge with a needle hanging out of their arm. And I had that kind of stereotyped image of what a junk he is, and and, I certainly wasn't gonna do that. You know? Needles were always where I drew the line, and and, towards the end, it was, needles were still where I drew the line, only I was on the other side the line.

You know? That that was all I would do. And, I got out of that hospital, and I walked out of there, and I weighed £92. And, you know, I couldn't even stand up straight, and I had this colostomy coming out of my side still and these big metal retention stitches on my belly that they'd open up about 8 times. And and, I remember feeling the same kind of shame that I felt when I first got into cocaine anonymous.

I couldn't look people in the eye. You know? I couldn't talk without turning bright red. I was just so ashamed, and I, I'm not sure where that came from at that time. You know?

But, I managed to get back into school, and I graduated with my class through some creative bookkeeping on my teacher's parts, I think. And I I got into college. I went to college up in Saint Paul, Minnesota, and, you know, I don't know if it was fate or or what it was, but the roommate that they assigned me to in college, these guys from Cincinnati, and he turned out to be an IV cocaine user. You know? And, up to that time, you know, I'd I'd used a lot of cocaine, because that was, like, the thing to do at the time.

You know? That was the elite drug, and, I had snorted a lot of cocaine back then. And, I found myself in this situation with a guy that also did cocaine. And, but he shot it up, and all of a sudden, I didn't have an aversion to sticking a needle in my arm anymore. And matter of fact, I kinda missed that feeling of that I get when somebody would stick a needle in me.

And, after a couple weeks, we got some Coke, and, I remember asking him, was this stuff, addictive, you know, to do it this way? And, just like in a cocaine addict, this guy told me only psychologically, and I believed him. I was so naive, You know? And at this point in my life, you know, I have gotten off of cocaine, and I've gotten off of heroin, and I've gotten off of booze, and I've gotten off of Demerol and plotted. And I think the hardest thing I've ever gotten off of is cocaine.

I don't think that. I know that. Anyway, he, he shot me up, and, I knew as soon as that hit hit as soon as that hit hit me, that I was in deep, deep weeds, way over my head. Because to this day, it's the best feeling I've ever had in my life before, during, or since. And I've still got euphoric recall about that first hit, all the consequences, all the shit that this disease rots in our lives.

And I still have euphoric recall about that first hit. And, this is when over the next 4 years, of going to college, this is when I started to make some of those compromises that Jeff was talking about last night, you know, in order to get cocaine. You know, you're in school, and you don't have a lot of money to be spending on this stuff. And and I found myself stealing and lying to get it. You know?

And, I'd go to the infirmary, and I'd steal. I'd go in there in some false pretense and steal some rigs out of there. And and, if a dealer was stupid enough to leave the room while I was sitting there with cocaine on the table, that that biggest rock wasn't there anymore when he came back. You know? And when you start compromising yourself like that, I think it, it can't help but affect the way you feel about yourself.

And it was a compromise to stick a needle in my arm too. You know? And, I managed to graduate in 4 years with a bachelor's degree in economics and finance from this school, and I don't really know how I did that, man, because, I was drinking every day to get drunk and and smoking dope every day, and I was using cocaine absolutely as often as I get my hands on it, you know, and doing a lot of trip or whatever else was around. And I came back to Omaha after 4 years and, got a job, running a restaurant and a bar, and, that was a great job for a drunk and an addict. You know?

I I tended to spend most of my time concentrating on the bar business. But, you know, when I first got here, they they told me that, you gotta forgive yourself for all these things that you've done, and and I have I just didn't know how to do that. Like everything else in this program, it was foreign concept to me. You know? And I remember asking my sponsor one time.

My sponsor is Dan. He's sitting right here. He's a wonderful example to me of of, where I wanna go in my sobriety. You know? But I asked him one time the only question he never could answer for me, and, I asked him how do you forgive yourself?

And, he didn't have an answer for that. And what I know today is that, by participating in this program and working these steps, when you get to step 12, you will have found that you have forgiven yourself. I'm still working on a couple of things I need to forgive myself on, that I haven't been able to. And one of them, was when I came back to Omaha. I turned my friend onto the needle, and that is something that I just wouldn't wish on anyone.

You know, I found I've got as much of an addiction to that needle as what I put in it, and he became the same way. And one night I was hitting him up and, did too big of a hit, and he had a seizure. I never knew you could have a seizure from using cocaine. I didn't know what was happening to him, but all I knew was he was freaking out and scaring the shit out of me, you know, and turning blue and couldn't breathe. And and, I got on his chest, and I was trying to get his tongue out of the back of his throat so he could breathe and wouldn't swallow his tongue, and and his teeth were just gnashing.

You know? And he bit about halfway through 3 of my fingers. And, I finally got his tongue out of there, and and he took a breath. And, he came to like this, you know, and, didn't know where he was or who he was or who I was. As a matter of fact, he thought he was back in Vietnam, and he started chasing me around the house with a gun thinking we were playing a war game.

And, it's that scared me, and that incident scared me enough that I just left cocaine alone for about 4 or 5 years. Put it down, didn't go back to it, just out of absolute fear. And during that time, the next 5 years, I was a sloppy drunk. I mean, I'm qualified to be here. I'm certified.

You know? I got all the all the diplomas necessary, and I was thinking about that. You know, I've had 5 DWIs and and, 3 felonies, and I've been to inpatient treatment 13 times, 30 day treatment. I don't know how many outpatient treatments I've been to and, a lot of time in jail. Although I never associated that jail time with my the fact that drugs and alcohol were involved.

You know? But during that 5 years, I went back to school, and I got a I got a master's degree in economics and finance from Nebraska, and I went to work as a stockbroker. And, I went to work for a little regional firm out of Kansas City called BC Christopher that had an office up here. And, after about a year, I got hired away from BC Christopher by EF Hutton, you know, which at the time was they were really the premier firm on the street. You know?

And and I'm in my twenties, and I'm just a hot kid in the business. You know? I got up to EF Hutton, and I had a office. My office was as big as this room. You know?

Big glass windows, secretary sitting out there. I probably had $40,000 worth of furniture in there that they gave me, you know, all cherry furniture. And, by society's measuring stick, you know, I had arrived. And I was in a bar every day by noon, you know, drinking black russians and martinis and playing pickles and and thinking, yeah, my god. I have arrived.

You know? And, you know, it was a it was a business where if if you made your numbers, which I was making my numbers, there was very little accountability. You know? You were, you could pretty much do what whatever the hell you wanted as long as you were making your numbers. Kinda like high school.

If you were a good athlete, you could pretty much do whatever the hell you wanted. So, again, there were really no consequences to what I was doing. And and, during that time, you know, you hear people in the rooms talk about the ism, especially in Alcoholics Anonymous. You hear them talk about the ism. And, the ism for me is incredibly short memory about just how bad it was and just how fast cocaine takes me down to the absolute bottom.

And I just forgot, I guess. You know? And, I picked up the needle again. And over the course of, the 14 months from the time I picked up to the time that, cocaine separated me from that job, I I didn't go to work but 3 times in 14 months, and it was just for, like, 15 minutes at a time. And, really, all I did during that 14 months was sat in my apartment and shot dope.

You know? And I would go out and get an ounce or a quarter pound or something and a couple of box of rigs, and you wouldn't see me until it was gone or until I overdosed, and they hauled me to the hospital. I mean, it was just one right after another, every 10 or 15 minutes as quick as I could get it in. And this would go on for 6 or 7 days until I couldn't get it hit in my arm fast enough, before I'd pass out from exhaustion. You know?

And I'd pass out for 8 or 10 hours, and I'd get up, and I'd start the whole procedure right over again, man. Just rolling. And, it was during this time that I did start to have seizures, and, I found myself waking up instead of in a chair with a needle in my arm. I'd wake up in a emergency room at the hospital. And one of the things that happened during that time was, my liver shut down.

I didn't know your liver could shut down from using cocaine. Nobody ever told me that, but I found myself in the hospital with my liver shut down. And, I got a staph infection from using a dirty needle, and, they told me that half of all junkies die from using a dirty needle and getting a staph infection, and I didn't know that. I prided myself on the fact that I had never shared a needle with anyone. But in the course of that madness and that obsession, I wasn't always real careful, you know, about, proper preparation.

And, one day, I found myself where I I just couldn't move. You know? I I was like it was like I was paralyzed, and and they called the the ambulance. And they came and picked me up and took me to the hospital, and and I had a temperature of a 106 when I got there, and it was from a staph infection. And they, they put me in intensive care, and, they put what's called a Gresham catheter in my heart.

And it's just a little needle about this long. It goes right into your heart, and it drips heavy duty antibiotics into your heart 24 hours a day. Because when you have a staph infection, what they're afraid of is that thing is gonna abscess in one of the valves of your heart, and you're dead. And, by this time, literally, all the veins in my arms and my legs were collapsed from using. And, I had been shooting up in my jugular vein, and it was just a scab about that long and that wide.

And, the whole time I was in the hospital for that 2 weeks with that staph infection, I was shooting up into that croissant catheter every 15 or 20 minutes because I just couldn't stop. You know? And that was my dilemma with cocaine is I just couldn't stop using. And when I wasn't using, I couldn't stop thinking about using. And that's a hell of a dilemma.

How do you stop doing something that you just can't stop doing? How do you stop thinking about something that you can't even stop thinking about? I didn't have an answer. I just kept acting on it, and I thought I was gonna die that way. I'd been that way for so long that I just thought I was gonna die that way.

I got out of there and and and went back to my apartment and kept doing the same thing. And, you know, this disease and I've come to think of it as a disease. I don't know how you guys feel about it, but, thinking of it as a disease is the only thing that really explains my it talks about how I was using that talks about how I was using to overcome a craving that's beyond my mental control, and that's exactly the way I felt. It was beyond my control. After a few months, they, had me committed as being a danger to myself, which is quite true.

And, you know, I weighed about a £100, and I was yellow with jaundice. And, they committed me to Richard Young, and and, I was down there. And and part of the deal of getting out of Richard Young was I had to agree to go to treatment again. I'd been to a treatment a lot of times already. You know?

And, they arranged for me to make my 3rd trip up to Hazelton up in Minnesota, and my dad drove me up there. And, you know, by this point in my life, when you take away all the material things and all the it just when you take away all everything on a very, on a very genuine, heartfelt, human level. All I ever really wanted to be was a good son, a good father, and a good husband. And, I was failing miserably at all those things. You know, everything was taken a back use backseat to my cocaine addiction.

I didn't want it to. In my mind, it wasn't, but my actions and my intentions were 2 totally different things, although I didn't see it at the time. That, 14 months that I was had at EF Hutton, that I didn't go to work for that time. Yeah. I went through a $192,000 worth of cocaine.

I know that's what I went through because that's what my w two said for that time period, and I got nothing to show for it. I put it all in my arm, and I supplemented that with stealing $80,000 from my parents. And that all went into my arm or my neck or my leg or wherever I was using at the time. It's compromises. Anyway, my dad, drove me up to Hazleton, and it was in February, and snow on the ground all the way up to, Minnesota.

In the back of my dad's car, I was shooting up every 15 minutes because I just couldn't stop. And I didn't wanna be shooting up in front of my father, but I just couldn't stop. And we got to a little town called Redwood Falls, Minnesota, and I did big of a hit. And I started to have a seizure, and I knew it. And I jumped out of the car into a snowbank, and my dad had a stroke.

And I don't know how you forgive yourself for something like that. You know, I got up there, and the nurses in detox told me that I was one of the worst addicts they'd ever seen come through there. And I remember being proud of that. It was like the last thing in my life I had to be proud of. And I got out of there and, went back to doing exactly the same thing I've been doing every time, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

And I guess by this time, I wasn't really expecting a different result. I knew what the result was gonna be. I just couldn't stop doing it. And, I ended up in treatment again, out of Emmanuel this time, and, gave it a shot. You know, I stayed clean and sober for a year, 6 months, and 17 days.

Not that I was counting, but but, it was, you know, nothing had changed, yet everything had changed. And, I did the things that, I'd never been willing to do before. You know? I got a sponsor, and I read the big book, and I went to meetings, and I worked the first five steps. And up up until this time, you know, I had always drawn a distinction between alcohol and drugs in my own mind.

And even after all this, I still had a little inkling of a notion, a little bubble of an idea in the back of my mind and I couldn't pop it. It said, you know, someday, you're going to be able to drink again. It'll be alright, and, eventually, I acted on that after a year, 6 months, and 17 days. And, it wasn't too long before, I was back where I was before and worse. You know?

And I can trace my addiction and my using on an annual basis by how far east on Leavenworth Street it took me. You know, it started out out in West Omaha, and over a period of 23 years, it got me all the way, you know, 17th in Saint Mary's. But during that time of 1 year, 6 months, and 17 days, I I got married to a to a girl that was in the program and an addict recovering addict and alcoholic. And we got married by the priest I did my 5th step with out of Emmanuel, you know, and, we had a recovery wedding too, you know, and, it was real cool. And, I was so happy.

And then I guess the ism kicked in again, that incredibly short memory. I did those things they tell you not to do. You know? I I quit going to meetings. That's the first thing, and I quit reading my big book.

And it wasn't too long before I was back out there again, and, this time it lasted for three and a half years. And I had this notion in my head that if I wasn't home using, it wasn't affecting my family. And during that time, we had a baby. I've got a daughter, and I just love more than anything else in the world. So I would, blow out and go get a motel room for 2 or 3 weeks, and and, you know, I wouldn't come out until the dope was gone or until I overdosed, which was start starting to happen with more and more regularity.

And I had this notion that if I wasn't at home, it wasn't affecting anybody. But the point is I wasn't at home, you know, and, I I I basically missed a couple of very wonderful years of my daughter growing up. I'm never gonna be able to get that back. She didn't deserve that. You know?

And, you know, I remember I'd come home after about 3 weeks with my tail between my legs and and, say what needed to be said to, smooth things over with my wife, and and I'd stay around for a week or 10 days until I got my nose above water financially, and then the whole process would start all over again. And this went on for years. And finally, it got to the point where I came home one day, and and Julia said to me, she said, Steve, you know, if this is what we have to look forward to, this is nothing to look forward to. And I I knew she meant it. You know?

And, A couple of times I mean, this disease has just taken every precious, loving thing out of my life, And I wasn't gonna let it take my family. I wasn't gonna let it get my marriage. And so I made some deal that I agreed to go to treatment again. You know? And at that point, treatment wasn't wasn't that I was learning anything so much as it was just getting me off the street and breaking the cycle.

You know? But I, I owed myself one more trip to the motel room first. And, so I went and rented a motel room, and, do they have any water out there? Orlando, are you going to get something to drink? No.

Could you get me a water or something? Thank you. So I holed up in this motel out on 72nd Street in Grover, and I overdosed again. And I remember coming out of the room, and just as I hit the top of the stairs, I had a grandma seizure and went downstairs, and I woke up in this room that they had carried me to. I I got to the top of the stairs and I yelled help.

And, on the ride, they took me out to Emmanuel to the emergency room, which, they were getting to know me pretty well out there. And, This was the second time in my life that, you know, the best way I can describe it is just to tell you that when you're dying, you know it. And it's again, I knew I was dying. And, on the a in the ambulance on the way over there, I I could just feel the life leaving my body, and it started with my feet, and it worked its way up my legs and my torso and my chest to where by the time they got me on that cold steel table in in the ER, the only part of life left in me was from the neck up. And my wife and my dad were in the other room, and and I had 2 nurses on each arm trying to get an IV, and meanwhile, my veins were collapsed.

And, then they tried to put an IV they tipped me up so all the blood rushed to my head, and they tried to put an IV in my jugular vein. Well, that was all scar tissue. And I looked at this doctor, and, I can laugh about this. Now it is funny. I I looked at him and I said, doc, I said, you're gonna have to give me a Grisham catheter right now, or I'm gonna die right here.