Kelvin D. from Fargo, ND speaking the first annual Big Ole AA Roundup in Alexandria, MN

Hello, everyone. My name is Kelvin Daniels, an alcoholic. Hi, Kelvin. So my day of the grace of God, miracle of alcoholics anonymous, phenomenal sponsorship in the steps. I haven't drank since October 10, 1996.

I'd like to thank Jeff for that warm introduction. Okay. Lukewarm. Jeff is, is a phenomenal example of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'll I'll get into that. And it's, it's just an honor and privilege to be here, this evening, and and it's it's an honor and privilege.

I'm asked to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm a person that shouldn't be alive, shouldn't be here, shouldn't be doing anything. And, it's it's an honor just to be able to go anywhere. I'd like to thank the the big Ollie's first first round up and, for for having me come out tonight. I I really appreciate it, and I wanna thank, Josh who's been a great host so far, and Dewey.

And and, I I tell you, it's it's a funny thing because they took us out to dinner beforehand, and and I get nervous at dinner. Not because I'm afraid that I'm gonna spill on myself or anything else like that, but because of 2 instances. The first one is I had spoken at a conference in Wisconsin a little over a year ago, and and, they everything had got pushed way back time wise. They're like, well, let's hurry and go eat. And I'm like, well, it's getting short on well, that's alright.

We got time. We got time. So I get out there, and and we eat real quick, and I'm giving my talk, and I had just said that drinking made me swab and demeanour, and then I get this belch out. Swab and demonair, and I was like, did that really just happen? And and it was just like, oh, man.

So I hate eating right before I talk. And then the other thing is I just talked at a at a conference up in Canada in January, and and, it was one of these big dinner conferences for Saturday night. And everybody comes in and and it's and you eat beforehand, and and they sit me up by all these, you know, normal people, you know, them. And it's a pastor, and I'm like, oh, man. I've been to church in a long time.

So I'm guilty right now. And they have me next to the mayor and his wife and I'm like, I ain't never sat next to mayors and wives before. This is kinda nice. And then they and then right down the end is a is a is a high ranking officer in the Royal Mounted Canadian Police, and I'm sitting there going, if you only knew. And so right as I'm sitting there eating, and and this didn't happen here, thank God, because it puts a lot of pressure on you, but right as I'm getting ready to start eating, this guy comes walking up to me from across the room from where the banquets are, because they have us set up to the front.

He comes walking up to me and he goes, hi. My name's Ron. I go, hi Ron. He goes, you are speaker tonight? And I said, yep.

So just wanna let you know, I paid $20 to get in here. It better not be a disappointment. And and I sat right there and I was like, Ron, I hope you enjoyed the food. And it's, and afterward I The guy came walking towards me coming through the line. I started reaching for my wallet, and he goes, no man.

It's alright. So and, it's it's like it's like homecoming coming here, getting a chance to spend some time with Jeff who, who lives lives in a different town than I do, and, just a great chance to catch up with him and and see Roger and Ellie and Chad and Josh and Dewey. And it was a funny thing because before I'd actually met Dewey, I'd heard about Dewey. And what I had heard about Dewey, there was a member of our group named Kane that's that's no longer with us. And Kane had shared this story with us about how funny it was that he had peed on this roommate of his.

That was Dewey. So every so I walk in and see the guy, and I'm going you know? So it's a beautiful thing, and hopefully, I don't have to make amends for that later. I've been getting those disapproving looks my whole life, Dewey. Don't think it matches now.

But, I I tell you what, it's, it's it's, it's a wonderful thing to be today, and and, it's a wonderful thing to see the people that I love and the people that I care about and and should be able to share my lives with them. And and, I grew up in, on the Maynard Air Force Base in Maynard, North Dakota. And yeah. If they only knew. And I grew up on this air force base, and and automatically I was different.

And alcoholics feel different for to begin with when they come in alcoholic snobs, but I felt extremely different because we had never been stationed anywhere else but Minot. So my I was born in Minot. I was raised in Minot, and everybody else had been to like France and Spain, these other cool European countries are down south somewhere, and they had all these great stories. And what I'd learned at an early age was, if you lie, it's a real good thing. And I sat there and and these kids were telling all these stories, and and I've got a great memory, you know.

I'm one of those guys when it when it comes to something that's not important, you know. I mean, my head's full of useless facts by the mile, you know. And I'm and I remember being on 2 blocks over, and I lived on Winding Way, and Winding Way was the biggest street on the base, and and we got over there and and there was these other kids down there, and they were telling stories about Germany and how they had drank beer when they were there and stuff. So I'm in my front yard, and these other kids are telling me all these great places they were. And and I got out from that front yard, and and I'm sitting there and I I'm like, remember that story?

Those kids probably don't hang out with those kids. So I start telling these kids how I'd been to Germany, and how I drank beer, and done all this stuff, and I didn't know that my kitchen window was open. My mom was in there listening. All I heard was, Calvin. And I had this great big afro, and that's what she used to take me into the house, and it was like a handle.

That's why I shaved my head today, you know. I'm not gonna let nobody snatch me into the house again. And I got a lesson on on being, honest that day, and what I'd found out was by that experience is that these kids thought I was cool. And I learned early age if if if I can make you like me, that that's a good thing. And and I and I just never felt enough when I was growing up.

It was it's like I had this hole in my gut, and when people look at me, you don't look at me. You look through somebody like me, because I'm shallow and I'm hauling and empty by nature. So when you look at me, you don't look at me. You look through me. And and I and I don't fit in well with you, and and I don't mesh with you, and I and, man, they have money, and I don't my parents don't have money, and and we lived on we lived in the in the the commissioned officers court, or not that we lived in the NCO, the non commissioned officer court.

My dad was a sergeant. And the officer's kids were right down the block from us, you know. So they always had the good stuff and everything else, and I felt less than when I was around them. And I remember feeling that way growing up, you know. I don't remember I don't think that I was I was an alcoholic when I was born.

I know that I had the disease of alcoholism from the day I was born. I remember being irritable, restless, and discontent my entire life. I remember things weren't good enough, and if you didn't if you didn't cheer when I walked in the room that I felt less than. And I remembered all those things, you know, and I remember just not being able to sit still, and I was restless, and I I was restless, and I uncomfortable in my own skin. I remember how that feels, and I remember that from as early as I can remember my childhood.

And that had nothing to do with my parents. It had nothing to do with with the fact that we were in the military. It had nothing to do with the way I was raised. It was something inside of me that I couldn't quite put my finger on. The ironically, when I had a chance to drink, an alcoholic was born.

All the thing else I had done and everything else that I had partaken with, all of those things in my life, all those things made sense to a certain point once I got a chance to drink because then I could understand, oh, this is the missing picture. And before I got a chance to drink, I just muddled through life and and I remembered I would I would just search for something. I was trying to find something inside of me that because it was just I felt wormy inside. And I have the retrospect to look back now, because hindsight's always 2020, but when I was then, I just didn't feel right. And and I remember that that movies, when when VHS's came out or betas or laserdiscs or whatever the heck that stuff was, and first some you could watch movies at home and not have to go to the movie theater, you know.

I remember that they had this the all these movies and stuff, and and my dad brought home movies. And when my dad brought home movies, he he want my life changed the day he brought home score Scarface, you know. I was like, man, you know. And my mom was yelling at my dad saying, you shouldn't let him watch that. And I was like so he waited for her to go to bed.

And, I started watching Scarface and I got excited. I was like, man, this guy's powerful. He's got tigers in his lawn. And at the end of it, say hello, my little friend. Boom.

And he blows everybody up, and I'm like, that's what I wanna be. I wanna be a drug lord, and I'm 7, you know? And that's what I need. I need power. I need power, you know.

And and man, I I got excited about that, and and I idolized people too. I don't know if anybody else did that, but I idolized people. And back then when I was growing up, the big performer at that time was Michael Jackson, and I know that might be a little controversial right now, and I don't wanna be Michael right now, but back then in that day when Michael was still black, he was cool. And I remembered I went I remembered I I I watched Billy Jean, the video of Billy Jean and he's going down the sidewalk and little sidewalk pieces are lighting up and everything and beat it and thriller and I was like, man, if I could just be Michael Jackson. So I went home that night and, I begged my parents.

We went over to the to the b x on bass. It was a bass exchange, and and I got one of those patent leather red jackets with the zippers that don't that don't go anywhere, you know. I got me some penny loafer shoes and some black jeans and white socks because Michael had those bunched up white socks. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, yeah. It looks pretty good.

And I had like, I still have this big fro. So I broke into my dad's hair supplies and I'm putting Afro Sheen on and and everything else, and I got stuff just dripping off my head, you know. And I finishing touch, I pulled that little curly q down the middle, you know, right there. And I was like, yeah. That's it.

Something's missing those one white glove. So I got myself one white glove and I went to school like that the next day. There is something about a man that can go, ee hee, and women go crazy. When you're in, 5th grade and you go, ee hee, guys come running at you to beat you up, not women. And I was just like, oh, this isn't working out, man.

I'm supposed to get mobbed by women. These guys wanna beat me up. This isn't cool. You know? And and I was like, oh, crushed again.

You know? And grade school was painful for me, you know, and it just painful. 6th grade was a turning point in my life, you know. I was I had bad behavior problems because, you know, people were good kids and they got attention, and I couldn't get attention being a good kid or being a smart kid. So I decided to be a bad kid, you know.

What that ended up happening to me was in 6th grade, my desk sat in the front of the class angled just enough so I could see the chalkboard away from the rest of the students. And I had this guy named mister Nelson that was on my, resentment list, ironically. And, I didn't know that in 6th grade, I was already gonna be forming this resentment list, you know. It's good to know that I have something to do with it to now today in AA. But this guy had Valentine's day came around.

And he said, you guys are going into 7th grade next year, so nobody has to give a Valentine they don't want to. You guys are gonna have to learn to be grown up. So now mention this resentment list I said I had. I went home and I was excited because there was people in my class I just did not like. This girl Jen, this other girl Sarah, and all basically the girls that I had asked out at the dance and they told me no, and things like that hurt me.

People don't realize but, I've got a lot of love to give and people just didn't realize that when I was growing up. And what ended up happening was is is I got home and I started writing this list out of people. My mom goes, oh isn't that nice? You're putting your valentines together. I'm like, nope.

These are the people that aren't getting one. And so I'm writing this list out and my mom says this to me, Kelvin, how would you feel if somebody didn't give you a valentine? Let me tell you how it feels. I had spent 3 days on my valentine's box. GI Joe's were big back then, so I had GI Joe's on top of my valentine's box shooting each other.

They had the kung fu grip, you know, and they were doing this thing and I had them in poses and everything and I was excited. So I took this Valentine's box and I put it on my desk, you know, and I positioned it like 3 times to make sure that the load bearing weight of my desk is gonna be able to handle the onslaught of Valentine's I'm gonna get. And the teacher goes, alright. Ready? Go.

And I took off out of my desk, and I'm going around, and I drop 1 and all these people. And as I'm dropping them in there, I'm thinking of these people I don't like, and I'm thinking what my mom said, you know, drop drop drop drop drop. And I rushed back to my desk, and I grabbed my box, and I pick it up, and it's a little light. I told that story at a talk I gave in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and it was right before Valentine's Day. On February 14th, the front door to my house, I open it up.

A sponsee of mine had just came over, Zach, and and, and I go down to let him in the front door, and he comes walking in with this big FedEx package. And he's like, what's this? I don't know. And I tear this thing open, and it's full of little kid valentines. You know.

I mean, people's kids have written them. I think I think I saw a paw print on one. I mean, it was just like they made this thing a family affair. So the Eau Claire Pacific group had had had came through and healed my childhood hurt. So you never know what you're gonna get in AA.

And it was just one thing after another like that. And the next year, yeah, it was 7th grade. And the next and things were going on. And what ended up happening was is I just remember feeling afraid, and I remember not feeling enough, and all these things, because I'm the kind of person I compare my insides to your outsides, and I will never match up to that. No matter what, I will never feel as good inside as you people look.

So when that guy has that, and when she has this, and when she's dating him, and when their parents have money, I'm not gonna match up. There's a hole that's in my gut that I need this approval, and I look at you people for it, and you look better than I feel, so automatically I feel like I don't match up. And I just remember this just unate feeling of just all the time, just like I couldn't couldn't take it, I couldn't stand to be right where those people were. And when I was about 13 years old I got a chance to drink and that changed all those things. I got a chance to drink when I was 13 and it was a magical experience.

I got a chance to drink and it changed my perception of all those things. All of a sudden, these people that seem like they look better than me, they're no longer they're they're no longer better than me. You know, they're just lucky I'm here, you know. And these ladies, especially those ones in 6th grade who had turned me down at the dance, they'd be lucky if I talk to them. And and it was just one of those things and and I just knew.

I knew right then and there that this feeling that I had, it made me feel so much better, that filled me up, that that hole in my gut slammed shut like the winds of a hurricane blowing down blowing down the door. It was just it was done. And I was like, yes. And I could come out and play. And I could stand there and I could kick my shoulders back a little bit and and I didn't get chubby until I got older.

So when I was little, I was only 5 4 and a £120 in 7th grade. I know it's hard for some of you to believe. Most people think I came out of the womb like that, but but I was small and all of a sudden I got buff, you know. Yeah. You know.

And I was just standing there and I and I looked good, you know. I looked real good. And that fro, it got nice and the jerry curl was perfect, and all of those things, everything came together. It was like, it's I had spent my whole life prior to that trying to be this square peg fitting into the round hole, And all of a sudden, I became right sized and right shaped, and I just fit right in. And I just slid in, and I was home, and I was free.

And I didn't have to be afraid. And it it didn't matter what anybody thought. It didn't matter what anybody had. And all of a sudden I just felt good. And I couldn't figure that out.

I was like, man, this is what I've been missing, you know. And my dad watched westerns and stuff, and John Wayne drank, you know. So I can be like him and shoot people. Jeff mentioned I'm unstable. I I was unstable, and I just remember that.

I remember that feeling, and that feeling I got that first night that feeling I got that first night that I got the effect from alcohol is the same feeling I chased until the day that I quit. So the day that I quit drinking, that is the same effect that first that first feeling. Yes, is the same thing that I chased all the way through to the end and I couldn't ever get back to. I got close. I got close.

But it seems like I overshot the mark. I'm a habitual line stepper. If you put a line in front of me, I'm not just stepping over it, man. If that's the end of a cliff, I'm gonna pretend like I know how to fly, you know. I'm going right over it because I'm a person of extremes.

A little bit isn't good enough for me. I will jump over the end of that thing every single time. That's what happens with people like me. And I and I just yes. This is what I need, and the problem is when you're 13, you can't drink all time.

When you're 13 you you don't have the accessibility to be putting down the kegs, you know. So I I got it as often as I could. And the entire time that I didn't have it, I would think about how I felt, and I would think about all of those things, and people seemed to notice me when I drank. And and and I seemed to be able to play sports better, and all those things came together for me. And I didn't have consequences right away.

If I if I could drink the way I drank when I first started off, you'd have a different speaker tonight. I didn't have the consequences. I hadn't burned my life to the ground. I haven't destroyed everybody around me yet. I just I'm just having fun.

I'm just having fun. I'm just I'm just having fun, you know. I I can't be in trouble right now because I'm just having a little bit of fun. And I felt that way and I was like, Yes. This is what I need.

And I went through a night through school and I struggled, and it just seemed that when I could drink, everything was fine. And when I couldn't drink, everything wasn't fine. And I went through identity crises, you know, hair crises, and, you know, when in 8th grade, kid in play was a big thing, and and a lot of you in here don't know who that is, but it was this guy that wore his hair in this little afro box straight up in the air, like 12 inches high. So I cut the fro into this big box, you know. Only I left the bangs on the front.

So I looked like a defunct ship, and And then then it was in style where you were supposed to cut all these lines in your hair, you know. So I would like I spent like 3 hours putting a checkerboard in one day, you know. And and I expected people to think that was cool. It was another Michael Jackson situation. People were just like, that looks dumb, you know.

You know, that hurt my feelings, you know. I'm a I'm a feeler by nature. Don't and and I couldn't stand it when people would look at me like that. And when I got into my drinking heavy, and when I started doing that stuff, when I started burning my life to the ground, when I started hurting all these people, you'd get those looks from people. And ground, when I started hurting all these people, you'd get those looks from people.

And it's the look when I when I look at them, don't look at me like that. Just don't. Because that I can't stand the disappointment. I can't stand you not liking me. I can't stand to think that I failed.

I can't stand those feelings. Don't look at me that way. And I would start to lash out. And I got really angry, and I started to fight. And as and I became this this dysfunctional kid because the feelings that were inside of me, if I could beat you down enough, maybe you'd feel like me.

And I got dangerous, and I started hurting people, and I started doing things wrong. And and as I'm drinking, people are saying, man, you should I'm getting into high school and stuff. People are like, you should stop that stuff, man. You you're out of control, Daniels. What is wrong with you?

And I just wanted to shake them and say, don't you understand? This this makes me I wanted to say that, but I couldn't say that. I I was just like, no, man. And it that that was their fault, you know. Trust me, man.

The next time we go out, I'm not gonna do that. And what I didn't realize is is that that was first part of my disease. That was that mental obsession of the mind. That was that thing that that sat on my shoulder and told me it was okay to drink. And that the consequences in the people that that that was their problem and it wasn't me.

It was the thing that justified the bad behavior. It was the thing that would said, man, it's okay if you go steal money steal things from people so you can buy booze, you know. They can afford it. They're rich, you know. And and I justified that.

I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. That's fine, you know. And it was the thing that told me that, you know what, man? You you don't have to stop because you don't have a problem.

And and I just remember that feeling, and I remember sitting there going, yeah. Yeah. I don't have a problem. These people have a problem. And I'm a real good one at pointing my finger at people.

Problem is every time I do that, there seems to be 3 more of them coming right back at me. And I, man, it was your fault. Because if I blame you, and it's your fault, then I don't have to look at my own actions. I don't have to look at my consequences. I don't have to have the problem because it becomes yours now.

And I remember justifying that early on, thinking if these people didn't think about these things, if these people didn't overreact, I wouldn't have a problem. And I remember just feeling that way. You know? And I started getting in trouble, and I had this car and and and I like, I thought a lot. You know?

I was one of those guys that that I'd I'd get angry and I'd fight because I couldn't stand the way people were looking at me. And I had these personalized plates in my car and I started glorifying that because I was validating myself as a man. And I got these personalized plates that said beat down on them. And I figured if you came around me and you didn't act the way I wanted you to and if you looked at me wrong, you were gonna pay the price. Because that was the only thing I could do to fill that hole.

It was in my gut. Because I'm already starting to not get full enough from the booze. And I just started hurting people, and I started doing that kind of stuff. And I was, man, you know? And and if and if I didn't drink, I'd start getting a little crazy.

And so I so I quit drinking, and I figured if I quit drinking, I wouldn't have the problems. And I wouldn't fight anymore, and I wouldn't do those things. I wouldn't hurt my family. My mom wouldn't cry. And all these things wouldn't happen if I quit drinking.

Well I I quit drinking for a couple weeks. All those problems were still there. And that's the second part of my disease, that phenomenon of craving. That develops in me when I take that drink. When I take a drink of alcohol, that thing clicks on and it says, get some more, Jack.

Get it now. Let's roll. You know? It and I know because I know what's coming. I know that it's time to go.

I know that it's time to feel okay. It's time to be able to look you in the eye and not feel afraid. And towards the end of my drinking, I didn't have to have the thing in my mouth yet. And when I cracked the top off that beer and it went I was like, yeah. And I'd feel relaxed and I'd feel okay.

Just from the sound of that because I knew it was I knew it was gonna happen next. I knew it was gonna be tipping that thing up, and I knew it was gonna be okay. I'm not a guy who bad raps alcohol. Alcohol to me was the most beautiful thing on the planet. When that beer got slid across the table at me and the sweats coming down it, it's like a newborn baby's tears.

That's beautiful. You know? That's the way I look at alcohol. When you hold a bottle of Jack Daniels just right and the sun hits it, you can forget those little mosaic little, you know, stained glass windows and churches and stuff, man. This is really beautiful, you know.

We should just have a I wanna go to the church of Jack Daniels, you know. You put that up behind the altar and I'll be paying attention all day long, you know. Just waiting for it to get over because it's go time. You know? That's that's me.

You know? I I thought alcohol was beautiful. And I couldn't understand it when when people started not drinking like me. Because these people weren't drinking like me, some of them. They were putting ice in their drinks.

What? That ice gets in the way, man. You know, John Wayne never had ice in a shot glass. If he did, he wouldn't have any teeth, you know. Clang, you know.

And there'd be chipped teeth, there'd be nothing left, you know. I was like, I wanna drink like that. That makes sense to me, you know. That stuff umbrellas and drinks? What is it gonna rain?

You know. I don't need that. You know? And I don't want your fruity drinks or your wine coolers. You know?

Until I run out. I will not be picky. If you've got and the thing is I drink fine wines, Thunderbird, Night Train, Mad Dog 2020. Those are fine wines to me because they're cheap and they get you there quick. You know?

And I heard a speaker talk about she'd been sober, like, 30 some years. She talked about drinking Ripple. And I never got to drink Ripple. But I was new and I was like, I gotta find some ripple. You know?

Because ripple sounds way better than magdawg 2020 and it probably doesn't do what it does to my stomach afterwards either. Not like that. And I just was like, yeah. It's goal time. That's the kind of stuff I want.

And and after after I got sober for a while, I started watching what normal people do, and what the way they drink. And it really bugs me. Bad. I can't stand the way normal people drink. My wife, normal.

My father-in-law well, my wife can't be totally normal because she married me. But my father-in-law, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, all of them normal. Normal drinkers, they can have 2 and stop. I don't like people like that, you know. And I remember I start counting drinks.

I'm at an employee Christmas party and I'll start counting the drinks that that guy's having, the guy who's quiet in the office, and he starts getting a little loose, you know. And I'm 2 more, and he's gonna be right there, baby. I know. You wanna go to a meeting? You know?

That's just the way I get. I start counting people's drinks. And my sister-in-law had had had had 2 beers. Okay? Not I count.

And she had 2 beers and she went back into the house and disappeared. She came up with this big glass of water. And I looked at her and I said, didn't you just have a beer? And she goes, yeah. But and it was like 90 degrees.

She goes, but it's really hot out here. And I'm starting to get light headed and I'm like, drink. What the heck is wrong with you? The magic's getting ready to happen. You're not gonna feel hot anymore.

Put about 6 more of them down. You'll be cool all day. Go for it, you know. And my mother-in-law is looking at me like, what did my daughter do? And my father-in-law is going, oh, just walked away and I'm like because he's the kind of guy who'll nurse like a little thing that sit for a brandy, you know.

I don't understand people that buy special glasses to drink out of, you know. I drink out of the bottle, man, you know. That's the kind of drinking I do. That's the kind of drinking I relate to. And that's what I did.

And I and I understand that kind of drinking. I understand that kind of feeling. I understand what it means to just drink purely for the effect. And the book tells me that men and women drink essentially for the effect that that the for the effect that's produced by alcohol. And the funny thing is is that is that, when I look at these other people, they don't seem to be getting in trouble.

And the book then tells me that the drinks I see others take with impunity, and that that sense the the sense of, restless irritability and discontentment that happens in me doesn't subside until I have a few of those drinks. And I see these other people, and they're drinking without consequence. They're drinking. They don't seem to have the problems. They're not getting into fights.

Their family isn't having trouble. They're not going to jail. None of those things are happening for them, and I can't pure mental twist that happens in my head. The book tells me I'm bodily and mentally different from my fellows. Bodily, I'm different because of the phenomenon of craving.

Mentally, I'm I'm different because of the mental obsession of the mind. And I will judge every single part of that and justify it because if it's you, it doesn't have to be me. And and that makes sense now. Back then, it didn't. And I started having problems.

I, I did really well in sports and then I had, 27 scholarship offers across the United States at a congressional nomination with the Air Force Academy. I was a d one prospect. I was a machine back then. And I don't say that out of ego. It's just I was a machine back then.

You know? And I was I was going for it. I was like, yes. I'm gonna be on national TV. I'm a be waving to mom on national TV.

That's gonna be me, you know. And all I had to do was score 2 points higher on this one exam. I don't know how y'all handle pressure, but the night before that exam, I was like, I'm just gonna have a couple just to calm down. You know? I may have just just a couple just to calm my nerves.

I can think a little better when I'm drinking too because I seem to get real intelligent when I'm drunk. You know? I I can discuss astrophysics, you know, brain surgery. Oh, you don't think so? We can crack your head open right here and practice.

I'm a brain surgeon, you know. And I get that I get focused that way, and I'm good to go, you know. So I 1 or 2 turned into 5:30 in the morning, and, my test was at 7:30 and I didn't make it, you know? And I was like, man, I'm a loser. I am a loser.

I you know, all these dreams, all these hopes, and and my mom had my mom had, had started calling, like, Ebony Magazine and Jet Magazine because I was really seriously gonna be the 1st native born black North Dakotan to go to Air Force Academy. I didn't know when they started checking and keeping track of who was native born or not or anything else like that, but but it was I was supposed to be it. So I mean, I've got write ups in the paper and everything else, and I fall out of it. And I'm like, man, you're a loser. And I just felt bad.

I don't know what you do when you feel like that, but I drink more. I drink more. And I just kept going down the path. And the thing is, is that I had this high set of the book talks about moral and philosophical convictions convictions galore, and I had them. They were right there.

And it just seemed that the more stuff I did, another notch would come off of it. Alright. I'll look at it if this happens. That happened the next day. Okay.

Well, if I start doing this stuff, you know. Because I looked at drugs as being bad, you know. I was a drinker, you know. That was for the losers, you know. The losers did drugs and stuff, you know.

I drink, you know. And all of a some sudden somebody was like, try this. And I was like, drunk enough to say okay, you know. So I jump on board with that and I'm like, man, I can use this stuff to manage my drinking a little bit. This is great, you know.

So I start getting into some of that kind of stuff and I and I was like man this is wonderful which which ended up twisting my mind a little bit when I came to All Cult Synonymous because I sat down with my sponsor and I explained to him I was gonna be a drug addicted alcoholic. And he said, oh, really? And he said, Calvin, I can't he said, you can't do that. And I said, why? I said, I did a lot of drugs and all that kind of stuff.

And he said, I'm not gonna allow you to separate yourself from the base of alcoholics anonymous. And he said, so you're telling me that you not only have alcoholism, but you got something else that's wrong with you that makes you worse than me. You got something else wrong with you that is gonna make you so much different that that you have to handle that. He said if drugs were just your problem, if that was the case, if you were really a drug addict, if those things are really going on, if you quit doing that stuff, you wouldn't have a problem. Guess what?

You have alcoholism that underlies all that stuff. You'll put anything your system to make yourself feel better. And that just hides the symptoms of my alcoholism. And I was like, okay. And I started thinking about it and I was like, well, what end up what would end up happening then?

You know? If I got up here and actually started saying denouncing what was wrong with me, I'd be just getting done with my introduction. You know? Hi. My name is Kelvin Daniels.

I'm a drug addicted alcoholic, gambling addict, sex addict. I like dressing up and get my butt spanked. I mean, I don't know what I'm gonna say, you know. You know, I like medium rare red meat. You know?

I mean, I'm addicted I'm addicted to eauclairs and and cream puffs and cheesecake. You know? What what am I gonna keep going on on? You know what? I'd be just getting done, you know.

I can't separate myself from Alcoholics Anonymous, and he wouldn't allow me to do that. Thank god he wouldn't allow me to do that. I had a bad enough trouble trying to separate myself from the rest of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had a bad enough trouble sitting there saying, you know what, man? That that may work for you guys.

And I remember the day that the day that I really found out that there was nothing different from me than anyone else in AA. I was at work, and there was a guy, and he was on me, and this guy hated me, and he was he was racist. And one day, he was driving away and he threw out that n word. And I that was Thursday night, and it was the night of my home group, and I was mad because I didn't have a car and I could only run so fast and that car moved way faster than I could run. And I couldn't throw very fast when that went throw very far when I was that winded, so the rocks weren't getting there either, you know.

And I got to the meeting, and and I I'm I'm like, I got one for him. He doesn't know what to do with this one. I come walking up and I'm like, Jeff, this is what this guy said to me, and I'm gonna kill him tomorrow when I see him. And he said, Oh, really? Why don't you go ahead and do that?

And I was like, Really? And he goes, No, you jackass. And I and I started launching on my tirade, because I had it planned out. Because by this time, I had a sponsor in alcohol synonymous who was who had started to try to change my thinking a little bit. And and I had it all planned out and I'm like, don't give me your AA spiritual crap on this one.

You do not know what it's like to be called that. And he said, really? You don't think I know what it's like that people hurt my feelings and make me feel less then? And I was like, oh, man. I hate it when he's right and he wouldn't let me beat that guy up.

I hated that, And my life was crashing. It was burning to the ground. And I had a failed suicide attempt, and and I ended up I end up in a meeting of alcohol. It's anonymous. First meeting I walked into was on a Thursday night, and I'd sobered up a minor the minor Thursday night group.

And I walked in the meeting that night, it was on a Thursday. I hadn't showered since Sunday. I, hadn't cut my hair in, I don't know, a couple 3 months. I hadn't shaved in, I don't know how long. And, I piece and I worked concrete, so I had little piece of concrete in my hair, you know, and and stuff.

And there was no cool water cologne covering up the funk coming off my body, you know. I stunk. And and I and my hair was horrible. It was like I was a chia pet on crack or something, you know. Just all over the place, and and and that's why I came to you in Alcoholics anonymous.