Soberfest 93 in Fort Collins, CO

Hi, everyone. My name is Nancy. Hi, Nancy. And I'm a a very, very grateful member of Al Anon, and nervous, real nervous. But like Rita shared last night, my sponsor tells me to say I'm nervous, and it gets a little better.

So that's how I feel. And I know what I used to always call nervous, I recognize now sometimes it's just excited, but I always called it nervous. So I don't know. Maybe I'm a little nervous, and also I'm I'm kind of excited about doing this. I'm I love an alcoholic.

I really love an alcoholic. I'm married to an alcoholic, and he's Scott. And and we have 2 children together. And my story so far in Al Anon is a is a, I'm happy to say, a story of a family staying together. I know those aren't always the success stories of Al Anon.

Sometimes it's success for the family not to stay together. Sometimes it's success to end the marriage. I have a a friend who shares that through Al Anon, she has become the man she always wanted to marry. And that's her success story, and I think that's fabulous. She's great.

You know? But what's happened for me so far is that I've learned to to have a joyful life inside of my family with the alcoholic that I love. I I get told to share what it used to be like and what happened and what I'm like today, so I'll try to do that. I come from Detroit, Michigan. That's okay.

Nobody went, what? I love Detroit. I know I'm probably one of few people. I love an alcoholic, and I love Detroit. Right?

I love Detroit. I lived I was a little kid. I lived on a block. That was my life, was my block. You know?

And I had a fun, fun growing up with lots of kids around. Nobody in my immediate family is an alcoholic. Neither my mother nor my father nor my sisters as far as I can tell. And they were sometimes good parents and sometimes not so good parents, but it was a very stable, easy kind of growing up. But I, you know, since I've always been told to look at my side of stuff, I I try to remember what I brought to the party before I I hooked up with my alcoholic.

Hooking up with my alcoholic blew it, you know, turned it into giant stuff, everything that I brought. But I brought a lot of this stuff to the party myself. And and one of the things that I remember is that when I was, maybe a 9 or 10 year old girl, I walked my little sister, Eileen, who we used to call Beanie then, and I called her Beanie tonight for the first time in, like, 15 years. Just came up. Eileen, who was Beanie then, I walked her to school and she hated school.

And she was scared, really scared, and she, screamed and cried every time I got her to the to her classroom door. And, I don't know what I did. I don't remember what I did, but somehow she ended up in her classroom. And I did that for weeks with her, every day taking her to school. And and I I tell myself that story because it's it it makes me think in a way of living with alcoholism in the sense that I didn't ask anybody for help.

I was a little girl, and I never said to the teacher or to my parents, this is really too hard for me. You know, this is this is hard, and I don't know how to do it. How can I help my sister? I never did that. I never told my parents it was happening.

I kept it a secret just like I learned to keep the, the problems in our family a secret. And as Scott was saying to me tonight, he said it so clearly to me. I lived with a screaming, ranting. Every day, I dealt with somebody throwing a fit, and I never told anybody and never asked for any help. So I know I had that before I before I hooked up with Scott.

I've always loved boys. Now I have 2 little boys of my own. I have what this is, a little one this tall. You know? But most of the things that have happened to me always start with then this guy came along.

You know. Then I met this guy. I met this boy. And they've always been wild. And and they've either they were drinkers when I knew them or 20 years later when I found out where their lives went, I discovered that they grew into the drinkers that they were trying to become when they were 11 or 12 years old.

And I didn't save any of them with my whatever it was I was giving them. I don't know. Anyway, I I had a simple and easy elementary and high school life, lived in the same house, you know, with my parents forever. And I went to University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Beautiful town.

And I went there from 1968 to 1972, which in my opinion was the most fabulous time to be in college and to be in Ann Arbor that ever could be. And I was a member of a Marxist commune. And I did this the other week, and it's so hysterical because we were at some kind of meeting and there was a big American flag. You know, it was like in a hall, and there was a big American flag in the back. And I was remembering all of the things I used to say when I was in this commune, and one of them was I used to call it this power to the people's imagination.

And I love to do that. I love to feel I really enjoyed being in this commune. And the way I got into the commune was there was this guy over there. And it wasn't Karl Marx. It was a guy, you know, a young guy.

And, and his name was Bernie, and I saw him passing out flyers on what was called the, which is kind of the central part of the campus in Ann Arbor. And I, you know, joined his club because I wanted him. And not for a long time. You know, I just wanted him for a little while. And, he left the commune shortly after I joined, and and some of the commune members told me that he was a a junkie.

And I said, impossible. I I I couldn't believe how stupid they were. I said, it is impossible. He cannot be a chunky. And they said, why?

And I said, because he's Jewish. And I have learned from day 1. And it's so funny because everybody's got their stories about a different culture, you know, who drinks and who doesn't drink. But I have learned forever that there is no such thing as a Jewish junkie. Doesn't happen.

And, you know, I could tell you all the boyfriends that came in between, but the last one was the Jewish junkie that's sitting in the front row right here. Who I think was, like, the the most Jewish and the most junkie ish of all, probably, and that's who I I finally fell in love with. I fled fled the commune actually in in fear over a giant lie that I told. God, I forgot about that. There was a kid in this commune who, inherited a fabulous amount of money when he turned 20.

You know, his trust fund became available to him at a certain age. And he gave the money to the commune, and I always wanting to be better than you know, promised this commune a a gigantic sum of money, which I had no way of getting. I mean, I don't know what but I but, you know, I've played those games a 1000000 times in my life. I I can say that now. Told a story and as soon as I started it, there was something in me that went, you you will not be able to you're gonna get caught eventually at this, you know.

How long are you gonna be able to tell this lie? But then I just jump in and do it, you know. And so I I promised them this gigantic amount of money, which I knew I was never gonna get. And the night I was supposed to deliver it, I left Ann Arbor and moved to New York to solve that problem. And in New York, after a couple of years, I was in a theater one day.

I was an usher, and there was a guy on the stage and he was gorgeous. And it was a greaser. It was like grease. It wasn't grease, but it was a play like grease. And he had, I don't know why.

This just turns me on so much. I have to tell it. He had you know how they put the their cigarettes in their sleeve like that? They had a cigarette in his sleeve like that, and he was big, and he was beautiful. And I really fell in love with him the minute I saw him, and that was Scott.

And we started I was going to say to trudge the road of happy destiny, actually, which is what it was for us, but it didn't feel like it then. I, you know, I gotta remember that it sure wasn't bad all the time. If it was bad all the time, I wouldn't have hung around. He, he he's was fun, and he was exciting. And he had a certain way of smiling at me that melted me, and he and he still has it.

And he had it even in the depths of our insanity. And I sometimes I used to curse him for it, that I would be ready to tell him. It. This is the only you know, black belt for me is where I used to be. I don't I don't know that I'm black belt now, but I used to feel black belt when I was angry.

You know? And I would be ready to to to just read them the riot act or to leave or whatever I was gonna do. And he would walk in the door and he would smile at me in a way that really often melted that stuff or made it made it so that I couldn't give it to him like I wanted to give it to him. And I I used to say, goddamn that smile. I hate that smile.

You know? But thank you. I'm glad he had it because it was one of the things that kept us together. We we got married, And we were still living in New York, and we had ourselves a son, an incredible boy, the one who's this tall now. His name is Micah.

And, when Micah was born, we were surrounded by friends and family. We, I felt safe. I felt like I was gonna be able to take care of a child, and I had a lot of love around me. And, I I can tell you that I know that the disease of alcoholism and the disease of living with alcoholism is progressive disease because 2 years 9 months later, we had Jesse. And when we had Jesse, we had no friends, and no family, and no support, and I was so scared.

I didn't think I was gonna be able to take care of anything. And I wasn't a drinker, but I was living with alcoholism and my life really changed that quickly. Anyway, we had some fun in New York, and and Scott got a phone call about a job in Los Angeles, and I had begun a oh, god. Isn't it awful when you just think of that another bizarre story that just happened at that moment in time was I had told another gigantic lie at my job. I I had, I was an art director, and I was supposed to there were lots of pieces of art, you know, brochures that were supposed to be mailed yesterday, and I hadn't even designed them yet.

Yeah. But I said they were at the printers, and I didn't know how I was gonna get out of that. There was no way I could do it fast enough. You know. And, so I moved to Los Angeles.

So that I think of it. And and things just got sadder and sadder, to tell the truth. It just got sadder and sadder for me. When I was pregnant with Jesse, I used to think, boy, I'm hurting this little baby. On the inside, I used to think to myself, I'm so anxious and I'm so angry that I bet I'm harming this unborn baby inside of me.

My life was miserable. I can remember a day that my dad sent me money for Hanukkah. He sent me a check for $50 for Hanukkah. And, I got the mail, and I took the check, and I I I hid it from Scott because I didn't trust that I was gonna have that $50 if I showed it to him. And, it that $50 was real important to me.

And as I was sitting on the steps hiding that $50, I thought to myself, god, this seems really sad to me. Don't worry. My life gets much better soon. I thought to myself, Nancy, you're you're giving yourself cancer. I remember sitting on the steps and saying, Nancy, you are making yourself sick.

The more secrets you have and the more you hold inside, the sicker you're getting. And you know, like, I'm so grateful for the all the literature of our program, and I'll try and remember to talk about that in a little while. But there's one thing that is is so valuable to me. And that's when Bill's talking about his story and he says, something about how how low how low they were, how they couldn't get any lower. And then he says, and this was to go on for another 5 years.

And, I I have a sense of humor about that, but I also have hope when I hear that kind of. You know, I I know. I have a sister who lives with a raging drunk, and I want her to get and I want him to get sober right now. And sometimes I remind myself of that story and I think maybe they got 5, maybe they got 4 more years. Maybe they'll still get this, you know.

They just their time hasn't come yet. Anyway, I don't remember where I was, but we had these 2 incredible children. And Scott was drinking and using and I wore the same dress every day. You know, I was out there holding on so tight trying to control the house and living in fear. And I know for me, when people talk about alcoholism being cunning, baffling, and powerful, I know how cunning, baffling, and powerful it was for me because even now when I try to tell you what it was like then, I still can't really say that I knew that I that the problem was alcoholism.

I never said the problem was alcoholism. His the problem was his behavior. He was irresponsible. He was a womanizer. He was I feel so bad when I say this.

He smelled bad. You know? He was disgusting. He was disgusting. I couldn't stand him, you know, but I never I I never said, honey, we got a problem.

You we got a problem and you got a problem and it's drinking, you know, and you need to do something about it. But I know that when I needed, we used to run out of money all the time and need money to pay the rent, need money to pay the phone bill. And, when I would call my parents and ask them for money, I knew that the way to get the money from them was to say, he's going to AA. So there was something in me that knew that that was the problem and that people around me knew that that was the problem because that was the the bait I could give my parents to let them know that the problem's about to be solved. What happened for for me was one day, I walked into the kitchen and Scott was resting, let's say, on the kitchen floor with a frying pan in his hand.

And, what happened, honey? And he said, I'm just really tired. And I kinda walked him up stairs and, in the room that was his office was an empty vial of pills. And I called a doctor, friend doctor, who said he needs to go to the hospital. Hung up the phone and called another doctor.

Doctor. And the second doctor said he needs to go to the hospital, and I was scared to death, but I called 911 or whatever it was. I called the paramedics, and the police came to our home and, said something to me. I can't oh, when I think of who I was, you know, Nancy Gell, I was such a good little girl, really. Even including the Marxism, I was just a good girl.

Much better than him, you know, always, much gooder than he was. And and the police came into our house, and one of the first things the policeman said to me is, do you know what to do if he abuses you? Do you know what to do if he gets violent with you? I could could not believe that that that when this man walked into my house, that he thought that that was the story in our house. And a couple of minutes later, Scott got mad at me and he pushed me down the steps.

So the policeman was right. You know, he'd probably seen this kind of story many times before, and he he knew what it was. The the the cops, the police took us to, Oliveview, which is a county hospital in LA and made sure that we went there but didn't walk in with us, escorted us to the door, and we got inside and was carrying the vial in my pocket. What do you think? What do you think?

And showed her the empty bag because I really didn't know. I I mean, I really didn't know whether there were pills in there or not or whether there was some other explanation that maybe she could think of for why the pills were gone. But that was how how deep I was into denial and and it's humorous insanity, you know, that you could look at something and see there what's not there. And Scott got pumped or whatever they do to you after you have your have eaten all of those pills. And he called his brother on the phone and told him what awful wife he had.

And we went home together and I was flying. It was one of the best days of my life. I don't know. I felt I was so excited because I really thought first of all, I took this action, and I felt really adult. You know, I felt like a real citizen somehow positive that it would that he had hit his bottom.

I mean, I was absolutely positive that that that Scott, who was the father of our 2 children in private nursery school that we just got out of Oliveview in time to go pick up, you know, and take him home in the car as if everything was okay. You know, I thought, well, he this has gotta be the end for Scott. Gotta be over. And, you know, it wasn't over the next day. He was out drinking again.

And I love to remind myself of that because the day that Scott got sober I mean, he'll tell you the day he got sober, but in my mind, that was like no big deal. You know, nothing there it wasn't the the romantic bottom that I would have created for him. I really didn't mean to joke about that one because the truth is sometimes in meetings, you know, when people first come in, part I know when I came in, I I wanted some plans. Scott was sober, so I didn't want plans about getting him sober. But people come in when their husbands or wives are still drinking, and they want some tips, you know, on how to get him sober, on how to create how to what can I do to make him reach his bottom?

And what I thought was his bottom was just another bad day in Hollywood, you know. And what seemed like a regular day to me was was the last day that Scott ever, had a drink. So then it wasn't another 5 years, but it was another 6 months or something like that went by. And Scott went to a meeting. Scott went to a meeting.

I don't know. He got so something happened, and he went to a meeting. And he came home. And the next morning, we had friends coming over, and they brought, champagne. And he poured himself a tumbler of wine.

I said to him, honey, are are you supposed to do that? And he said, Nancy, they're not fanatics in AA. If you can drink, you just can't get through. You know, I tell the truth is I think that's a really, really funny memory for me. But as a matter of fact, 2 weeks ago, Scott and I were sitting remembering that story and our 15 year old son was sitting there.

And at the same moment that I told it in the last, I was washed over with that feeling of incredible hopelessness that I had at that moment when once again I thought it was gonna be okay. And once again, it didn't happen. Oh, I thought it was gonna happen, and I was on that ride again. You know? So Scott had that drink and then another nothing day happened and he got sober for a long time.

And he told me about Al Anon. In fact, people had been telling me about Al Anon for years, but I didn't pay any attention to him. I called once and there was a machine, you know, and I went, forget it. But there Scott had a friend, a lady friend in AA who came around our house from the 1st day he he got sober. And, she took me to an AA meeting.

God bless her. When Scott had maybe 30 days and, we went to this meeting and, oh, I I just had a great time and it was was fun. And I thought it was just the greatest thing on earth. And and now that Scott was sober 30 days, you know, this was already a long time for me. I thought the problem was solved.

But now my idea was that there were the real problems. To me, the real problems were keep a job, bring home your paycheck, smell better, which had already been solved. You know, I wanted him to start behaving the way I thought he should behave. So although I got some relief right away when he went to AA, my disease of living with alcoholism didn't change much because I still wanted him to be just how I wanted him to be. So I went to this meeting with the 7 o'clock morning meeting.

And after the meeting, everybody went for breakfast to this little coffee house. And so it got to be, like, 8:30, and everybody ordered another cup of coffee. And all I could think it was, I just can't wait till, like, 20 to 9 when they all get up and go to their jobs, you know, because they're gonna all these people are gonna be working because they're sober alcoholics, and they're all gonna work 9 to 5, I figure too. You know? I sat there and it's got to be 10 to 9, you know, and it got to be maybe 2 people stood up and left, but a whole bunch of people were not going to work at 9 o'clock in the morning.

And I was so disappointed really once once again, I thought, oh, this isn't gonna happen. I want it to happen. And the funny thing was that what what got them all up from breakfast was the next meeting. You know, there was a 10 o'clock meeting for them. So but 9:40, they all got up and went to their next meeting.

And and so what I learned that day was I mean, all really, all I learned that day was, oh, god. They don't work. What am I gonna do? You know? But somewhere in the bottom, I knew that that however Scott changed his life wasn't going to change my life.

You know, that it was gonna and I'm so grateful for his sobriety. So grateful. And I'll tell you, when he got sober, some stuff changed really fast. He came home, which was already wonderful for me. You know, he he he came home at night.

I thought that was great. But I didn't change too much at all. When when Scott was 39 days sober, I went to my first Al Anon meeting, and I know he was 39 days sober because how I shared was my name is Nancy, and my husband has 39 days of sobriety. So I was not kind of too separated from him, yeah, I'd like to say. And what time did I start at 7?

I don't know. Oh my god. Oh, no. This clock is an hour wrong. Right?

Okay. Alright. I went to an Al Anon meeting. I need to be done at 7:30 LA time. Right?

Right. Okay. Cool. I'll start getting better right now. I went to an Al Anon meeting, Sunday night meeting, and I walked into the room and, you know, lights didn't go off, but boy, right away, I knew that I was people who lived with alcoholism because they shared, and they told their stories.

And their stories were stories that I'd lived or felt. You know, so right away, I knew I was in the right place. And I kept going back to that meeting, but like, Dennis shared today, I went to one meeting a week. That was my one meeting. For a long time, I just went to that meeting, and I didn't get a sponsor.

What happened was I started to hear things in that meeting that gave me hope. One thing that I'll never forget was I, I was at the meeting and and I don't know if you do it here, but in Al Anon in LA at some meetings, they have a thing called pressing problems at the end of the meeting. And there's a little bit of time for people to just share a pressing problem in their life. And there was a woman who raised her hand and said, I when I left my house, my husband had the noose around his neck, and he he was about to kick the stool out from under his feet. And I walked out of the house.

And you know what? There were people that laughed at me just like you're laughing now. But I for me, it was absolutely horrifying. You know? Oh my god.

And what I thought you know, we talked about black and white. What I really thought was this woman is going to die or something like that. Just I'll never see her again. Her life is over. You know, what a shame that this woman's life has gotten that she's gonna go home and find a dead body and her life is over.

And the next week, she was at that meeting. She didn't even have a pressing problem. It was such an incredible lesson for me, you know, to know that people could come and tell their stories and just everything wasn't a crisis and then people got better and slowly got better. Took me a year to get a sponsor. First, I I did have 2 sponsors.

I have I heard a woman say, I'm moving to Mexico next week. And I walked up to her and said, will you be my sponsor? And she said, yes, which is incredible. Then I never spoke to her again. And a couple weeks later, I asked a woman who I can't remember who shared this this week, but someone who I was very intimidated by at first.

But she just had to me, she had it. She was happy. She laughed. She looked pretty to me. You know, that was important to me.

She had a light in her face. She was clean. She she dressed nicely. You know? She had a family.

I I just really wanted what she had. Her name was Ruby and and I asked her to be my sponsor and she's still my sponsor today, one of my sponsors today. And and when I think of what I what I get from Al Anon, you know, there's a lot of stuff I get from Al Anon. I get the sisterhood and the fellowship of the meetings. I got the steps.

I got a higher power. I got, the literature. And and at first for me with my sponsor, I didn't start to work the steps right away. I just didn't do it. And, but I got a lot from sisterhood.

I got a lot from being around her. She is married to an alcoholic, and I was very uptight with my kids. I really had a lot of rules with my children. And she used to have us come over to her house, and she was just as loose as could be. And my kids had so much fun at her house.

And she did stuff around them that just made them feel good. You know? She gave them all the candy they wanted and all the junk they wanted. She let them watch TV. I mean, these were all really firm, firm rules for me.

And when somehow, I was able when the kids were there to just let them get whatever they wanted there. And she said to them once, if you say thanks, you get more shit. First of all, then she said shit just was the greatest thing they ever heard in their lives. They were so excited. And they remembered I mean, that was that was like the lesson one time they had it.

You know? Say thanks, you get more shit in. I since I only wanna say shit in, like, all within one minute, I'll tell my other story that has shit in it. Ruby's husband, I guess this was a familial phrase that they used, once walked up to my son Michael when he was a little older and he said, come here, Michael. And he said, your parents don't know shit.

Nothing. And it was an incredible gift. That was another incredible gift for them. You know? They it was so great for them to hear to have a grown up say to them, you know, your parents are just figuring it out, you know, and they're not the boss.

You know, they have to keep you safe, and they have to give you a limit, but they're not in charge. They're not god, you know, and they're not in charge. So even before I started to work the steps with Ruby, I got so much from just being around that family, and I just wanted what they had. And she kept telling me to work the steps. It's not that she wasn't telling me to do it, but, I I wasn't gonna do it.

And I took a pretty long time. And Finally, I wrote an inventory and I gave it away to her. And, I got so much from that inventory. I got, I I I really started a new life after I gave that inventory away. I come from, 3 sisters, Nancy, Laura, and Eileen.

I'm the oldest, so I'm the smartest. I mean, it always goes this way. Oldest is smartest. 2nd is I don't know how it is in your family. Is it oldest is smartest?

Yeah. Right? No. Depends on who you're talking to. Don't know what 3rd is.

That's right. Oh, you'll love 3rd. 2nd was good. You know, the good one who always did everything right. And the 3rd was pretty, which we were girls, you know.

So the third was the most attractive. And those were very specific rules in our house. I mean, you were the smart one or the good one or the pretty one and that was it. And for some reason when I wrote about that in my inventory, it was the first time that I could see what a lunatic notion that was. You know, I never and I never got before what a crazy idea that was.

And and, I say this not with pride. I mean, not with false pride, but working that inventory got me pretty. You know what I mean? It got me to think that I looked okay, that I that I could be pretty and that I could be good too. I I love that sound so much.

I really, really get so much from the literature of our program. There's that today, encouraged to change well, first, let me tell you what happened. Like, our kids are home, you know, in LA, each one staying in a different house. And our old they went straight from school to those houses because we left Friday morning for Colorado. And I talked to Mike yesterday, and he said I lost my backpack.

And, you know, healthy as I can be sometimes, sometimes those things just I just sink. You know? I hear I I I get a little piece of news of, one of my children not that something that I can't control about them and I just think, you know, and I did on the phone. I just went, oh, no, and then I go out there, you know, like the lady whose husband was killing himself. Because for me losing a backpack can be, in my sicker moments, you know, 2 steps from jail.

So I looked in the curve. I was reading the cruise to change this morning, and it was about taking the 3rd step. And it says, is there an area in my life that I treat as though it were too important to turn over to a higher power? Well, in a minute, I knew, of course, it's Micah's growing up and and, you know, that I I'm so afraid to turn his growing you know, I was gonna be more specific, but the truth is that's what it is. It's his whole life.

I'm so frightened to turn my children over to the to their higher power. And then it says, are my efforts to control that area making my life better and more manageable? Here's what I did just last night on the telephone with Micah. I sounded so disappointed. I sounded so disappointed that it made him feel bad.

I asked him where he lost it. You know? And I hung up with my kid who's a 1,000 or however many miles away from me not feeling good. You know? I didn't help him in any way.

And, so the answer to that question was no. It is not making my life better and more manageable. And then the third question was, are they doing any good at all? Well, no. You know?

Of course not. Doesn't it help him find his backpack? Doesn't and I also know oh, here's the the other thing I forgot to say. Mikey came home Thursday without his backpack from school. I said, hey, Mike.

Where's your backpack? And he said, oh, I left it in my locker. And then when I talked to him Friday, he said I lost my backpack. Well, not that I'm a mind reader or anything like that, but my intuitive feeling is that Micah lost his backpack on Thursday and that he was too scared to tell me that he lost his backpack. That's not something I want.

You know? That's not how I that's not how I wanna parent. I don't want my kid to be so scared to tell me about a mistake he made that he has to lie to me. It's it's not not what I want. And so I know that that my attempts to control his life are doing any good at all.

But I thought you know, I read this and I got all that stuff that I'm saying to you right now, and I thought, well, okay. I'm I'm cool with that. You know, I did my 3rd step on it and I know I can't control his losing things and I know I can't control his doing enough homework because that's where I my next step is. How can you do his homework? Do the backpack.

You know? I I know I can't control that, but there was a little voice in me that said, but I'm not really gonna give the whole thing up. I mean, there was just something in me that actually, I'll tell you exactly what I thought. I thought, well, what I could do is I could create an environment for him where he has to study. I mean, I kept I kept trying to think of another way that I could make it so that he would do his homework.

You know, I don't even know why you think he has to do his homework. I never did my homework ever. And he doesn't particularly wanna be a scholar. You know? I mean, I don't even know why that's such a big deal to me.

But, what I'm saying to you is that even though I I read that stuff and I answered those questions and I felt like I'd done a third step on it, I I heard that voice in me, and I I thought, you know, what I have to do with this is I have to call my sponsor. I have to talk to somebody about it, and I have to tell her my idea. You know, I gotta say, okay. I'm willing to let go, Micah, but I've got this plan. And I know that's fine to do that.

You know, I mean, I guess that's what I wanna say when you talk about being black belt alanine. You know, I'm not a black belt alanine, but but I work hard. I really work hard at getting this program. And I know that the way I'm gonna get it is by working my steps. And and if that means doing an inventory, writing a 10 step about this and calling up my sponsor and saying, I know that I'm willing to say to her, I got this plan, you know, and and talk about it with her.

And I don't even know. The plan might be an alright plan. But, as long as I keep it inside, it's it's my playing god and my trying to control my children. And I'm I'm I believe that if I work the steps on that particular, what probably is a teeny weeny problem, that I'll get some relief and I'll find a solution. I'll find a solution about Micah and his backpack.

I hear you know, I had the greatest stuff at meetings. And once I heard a lady at a meeting say, say the sentence of the problem. And if your name isn't in it, let go. So it's the sentence says, Micah lost his backpack. I'm not Micah.

I'm not the backpack. You know? It's not my story, and it's not my problem. What I've really learned in Al Anon, you know, there's another thing in here. Just the other day in our one day at a time, it said something like, what's I love this stuff.

What's the big idea in Al Anon, it said. What's the big idea in Al Anon? And it was to focus on yourself. Focus on yourself. And I really feel like focusing on myself has given me an incredible relationship with my husband, And I come from a world where you work that stuff.

I come from a world of therapy and analysis and thinking where you you go to a counselor together or an analyst together, and you work on that relationship. And we tried it. I mean, he was loaded, and I was insane but we tried it. We stole a book from the lady, I think, didn't we? Oh, fuck.

Anyway, what really made it okay for me what made our relationship okay for me was working on myself. And, you know, I got oh, god. Somehow for me today, our literature is just blowing my mind. There's a thing in our literature that says the beginning of love. And I loved reading that the beginning of love because that's exactly where I was at.

You know? There was really no way that I could say I love Scott and I could say I'm crazy about him or I don't wanna let go of him. You know? But I I didn't know that I love him was really where I was at. And it's the the beginning of love is to let those you love be perfectly themselves.

Otherwise, you just love the reflection of yourself in them or what you're trying to create in them. And, you know, I I did that's one of those lame things that they tell us to do. You know? Like, I wrote it down, and I put it somewhere where I could see it. And I really learned from that.

And I, you know, I would find myself trying to change something again and just somewhere in there was that thing. You know? That's not love. That's not loving. It's not loving to try to make him I was gonna say taller.

You know, that's how bizarre my notions of what I could do where I could make him taller. So really focusing on myself and working my steps has been what's given me a wonderful relationship with my husband and with my children. The last thing I wanna say is that my sponsor that I love so much moved to Vancouver, and Vancouver is pretty far from Los Angeles. And, you know, she was I can't even I used to try and say my first sponsor doesn't even sound right to me my first sponsor. She's like my real sponsor or something.

You know, she's the sponsor for me. But, I've taken the plunge and gotten myself a sponsor that I can see, you know, that I can go to meetings with, that, can look at my face and tell I've left people I've never heard that. Tell your face. That's a very funny thing. But who can look at my face and see really if what I'm saying matches with how I look.

And, it's a real learning thing for me. I'm I'm seeing I'm I'm having a few of the experiences that I had a while ago. You know, like, I don't wanna call her I don't wanna call her with a big problem, and I don't wanna call her with no problem, all that stuff that I used to do a long time ago. I'm, I'm seeing that I'm learning again how to make a relationship with a sponsor. But a couple weeks ago, Scott and I got some sad, sad news about a child of you know, an adult child of program friends of ours who went out and died.

And, I was so mad. So mad and controlling, you know, it's that fear that fear gets me when I hear that story and right away I think, oh, I don't even want my children to leave the house again, you know. How can I keep this from happening to my boys? And, I called my new actually, I called my old sponsor on the phone and she wasn't home. So I called my new sponsor on the phone, and she really was able to to give me what I needed.