The 9th Annual Sandlapper Roundup in Myrtle Beach, SC

Hi, Al. I'm still a very grateful member of the Al Anon Family Group because today I love an alcoholic. Good morning. And my recovery date is May of 1976. I haven't stabbed an alcoholic since then.

Thank you, Dennis. Dennis made his Al Anon jokes last night. He said that he liked giving the early slots to California people, especially Al Anon's. Make them get up. I'm just wondering why aren't you in Florida?

I think we have the solution for that whole thing. Why don't they just pull a name out of the hat? That's what we end up doing. Anyway, I'm glad to be here. I wanna thank Fran and Bubba for being our host and hostess picking us up at the airport because they didn't know exactly when to do that.

And they were there when we got off the plane. And, so I wanna thank y'all for asking Keith and I to come together. It's neat that we get to, do these things together, And we enjoy being together today and that's really great. It's really different from where we came from. We're real buddies today and, I just love being here.

I love being in a room full of alcoholics. Yeah, I know there's Al Anon's here. Can I see the hands of the Al Anon member? Wonderful. Great.

But I bet there's twice many alky's here. You can feel them. It gives me an energy just You're my entertainment today. You know how you can tell the difference between an alcoholic and a dog? Doves quit whining when you let them in.

It is so funny. Our daughter and our granddaughter just arrived Wednesday from Italy. Our granddaughter's, 22 months old and, we get to see them once a year and, they come at Christmas time. Simone's always come at Christmas time. She's lived in Italy for, 17 years and our granddaughter's 22 months old.

And, and Nicole, our granddaughter, this time everywhere Keith goes, she just follows him everywhere and I just smother the heck out of her and I think she just takes me for granted. But this time, her and Keith have just, you know, the last time they were here, her and I bonded and really great. It was wonderful. She just loved the hell out of me, all over me. And, this time she's following Keith all over, and she speaks Italian and a little bit of English, and so I'm having to learn some we're having to learn some Italian.

And, Simone went to the store and about every other thing that I said was Benoit Quang, which means come here, you know, and just chased her all over the house. And, but when Keith left to go to a meeting, she called him Pappy. She's already got a name for him, and she picked Pappy instead of grandpa or whatever. She hasn't called me anything yet. I even acted like I was leaving, so I could see what she was gonna call me, and she just goes, ciao.

Ciao. So I'm here today with a lot of jealousy in my heart. She just oh my god. The energy and the life that she brings into our home is just incredible. You know?

Even the cats come alive. It's just she fills my heart. She just fills my heart because the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in Al Anon has put a family back together, And we couldn't enjoy this with the help of you, sponsorship, meetings, and a lot of long timers in our life that told us there was a way to live. I was taught early on that when I get to do things like this, I have the privilege and the honor to be asked to do this, that I'm supposed to share in a general way what it was like, what happened, and what it's like today. And, what it was like is just so simple for me.

It was like this drunk goes into a bar. There was a little gal sitting in a bar, and this drunk comes walking in and he puts a $100 bill on the bar and he tells the bartender, he said, I want a bottle of Jack Daniels and don't let it go dry. And the bartender said, well, looks like you're gonna hang on one heck of a drunk. He said, yeah. I am.

I just got out of prison. And the bartender said, oh, yeah? What for? And he said, I killed my wife. Bartender goes, woah, and he turns around to go get the bottle of Jack Daniels.

This little gal slides down the barn sits on the bar stool next to him and looks at him and says, so I hear you're single. That's pretty much us. But I have a story that I've been dying to tell ever since I met Bubba. And Bubba and, Leroy were driving down the road and they were drinking their Budweiser and and Bubba looks up and he sees a roadblock up ahead. And so he tells Leroy, hurry up and chug your your bud and turn the label off of it, put it on your forehead, and throw the bottle out in bar ditch.

And so Levi's, why? And he said, just do it. So Leroy did and and so Bubba does the same thing. And so they're sitting there with these Budweiser labels on their forehead, and they get up to the roadblock and the cops walk up to him and said, so I see I see you guys have been drinking your Budweisers today. And Bubba goes, oh, no, sir.

He said, well, what's that on your forehead? Bubba said, oh, man. We're on the patch. So whether that was for you. I can't help myself.

I just seem to be born this way. Things like that just remind me of stuff and I just like to have fun. And I was raised in a home that, people enjoyed each other. I was not raised in an alcoholic home. I don't know what happened to me, but when I first came to the meetings of Al Anon, I looked around and I heard people say, Once you're attracted to the alcoholic personality, you're always attracted to the alcoholic personality.

And I thought I never grew up with alcoholism. I've never been, you know, married before. He's my first and current husband. And, you know, what's a lady like me doing in a place like this? And, I had to look at myself and I looked at my character defects and I know that growing up I had certain characteristics And once I met the disease of alcoholism, it started turning them into character defects, and they just blossomed.

Because you see, I was, I grew up in a family that, of 3 children. I had an older sister and a younger brother, and, my dad worked in the oil fields. We moved all over Texas and the Oklahoma Panhandle and Western Kansas. We lived in a trailer house. We followed the oil rigs all over and everybody called me oil fields rush.

There was times that I went to 5, 6 schools in 1 year, and there was something inside of me that would listen to that stuff. And I started feeling less than and always wanted to be just a hometown girl and moving around like that, you never are. And you never feel like you fit or you belong anywhere. And when I was, in junior high, my folks moved to a little town, Perryton, Texas, the Texas Panhandle, and they decided to settle down there. My oldest sister ran off and got married and, started a family, and that left, and my father after a period of time.

He passed away with cancer when he was 4 years old. And, I think I was 15 years old and, that left my mother, my younger brother, and I at home. And after a period of time, my mom started dating and I resented that because she's been disloyal to my father, and I started rebelling, and I ended up in an unwed mother's home in San Antonio, Texas. And I stayed there for a period of time and I gave that child up for adoption. And I am so grateful that I did that because at 16, no way was I ready, willing, or able to be a parent.

And I heard something in there that I never heard again until I met you. And there was a counselor in there that told me. She said, Sue, God uses people to help other people. He's used you as an instrument to help some people have a child that they couldn't have. And I accepted that and I went back home and I got back home and the kids I used to run with were boring and are not fun anymore and, one night my mom said, You want to go with me?

And I said, Yeah. So I went with my mom and she went to a honky tonk and we walked in that honky tonk and it was loud. The music was loud. It was rowdy. It was smoky.

People were drunk and they were fighting and it's like, Woah, I'm home. I loved it. And I sit in there and I watch this cowboy move the room And I'd never seen anybody do what he was doing before and I thought it took a lot of courage to do what he was doing. He was starting fights. And, he started to fight, and he came running past me, and he said, Honey, let me know when the cops leave.

And like a good potential alanine, I was given direction. I stood on duty. And, when the cops were gone, I opened the he ran in the woman's restroom and hid in there. And so I stood there, and I opened the door after they were gone. And I said, you can come out now, cowboy.

And he came out, and he asked me for the last dance. Usually, the last dance was a slow dance where you can rub up against each other and get ready to go home. And this was a fast dance, and it just kept getting faster and faster and faster, and we never missed a lick, and I loved it. And I look back at that, and what I know today is that he got me downtown in the fast lane right now. He did for me what nothing else had ever done for me, and I loved it.

He called me the next day, and he said, Would you like to go out? And I said, Sure. And my mom said, no. You're not going with him. Excuse me.

I'm taking my shoes off. My mom said, you're not going with him. He's in trouble all the time. He's been married before and he's older than you, and I said, I don't care. So he came to pick me up that night.

We go outside and there's no car. You've had guys like that too. I said, now wait a minute. Guys come pick me up in cars. He said, no.

You don't understand. He said, I've totaled my car, and I've had my driver's license taken away forever. And I said, no problem. So I got him in my car, and I knew what to do. I took him to the drive in movie.

And we went to the drive in movie, and we sit there, and we watched the movie. And I remember thinking, woah, this must be what it's like to be with a more mature man. Because I knew at the drive in movie, you kiss and smooch and steam up the windows, and we weren't doing that. And I was so impressed until I looked over and he had a 6 pack of beer sitting between his legs that he was more interested in than me. And that set up that compulsion and that obsession in me.

I wanted to be number 1 in his life. I started competing with alcohol from the very first date. And I know today the only difference between an alcoholic and an alanine is the obsession. His is the booze and mine's the boozer. And we started dating, and, we used to go out to, cross the Oklahoma Panhandle into Kansas and and party up there at the Shangri La and Rosie's and all those neat, wannsee buildings.

You know? And, we had some great times up there. I mean, it was when Roy Clark was new and Hank Thompson was out. He autographed my thighs one time. It was great.

And, we had so much fun. And we got up there one night, and this gal was flirting with Keith, and he was flirting with her, and you all do that. And, we got in a big fight and we thought about who was gonna drive home and he won and we get in the car and we're going a 100 miles an hour down toward Texas. And, we go across the Oklahoma state line, and they have a road block set up there and Keith said, oh my gosh, if they catch me, I'll never see the sun again. And I said, no problem.

So we switched places going a 100 miles in that car. And we got down at the other end of the state line and they had a roadblock set up there and they pulled us over and and they looked at me and they said, we know you weren't under that wheel when you clocked us back there, and we don't know how you got here. But we've checked this car out, and it's been reported stolen, So we're taking you both in. And Keith the cops said something, and Keith smacked him. And so they handcuffed him and put him in the sheriff's car and told me to fall on 40 miles to the county seat so they could arrest me, so I did.

And and we get there and they're fingerprinting and booking us and, and they said you can make one phone call. And Keith said, I wanna speak to the district attorney and, gosh, I am so impressed. This man goes straight to the top. And pretty soon this guy walked in and he had mature gray hair and a turned up collar on his coat, his fur, and I'll never forget him. I was impressed with him, immediately attracted to him.

Today, I know it's because he is an alcoholic too. And, Keith looked at me, and he said, Sue, I'd like you to meet my father. So the first Christmas we dated, I was in custody to my future father-in-law, but there wasn't anything wrong with me yet. And, we dated for 2 years, and, we'd have fights. Keep it stand me up, and you don't do that to me.

And the smuget arrogance would come up to me and I'd say, You can't treat me this way. I'll show him, you know. And he'd call me and I was going to tell him all the stuff, all of the what fors and why you can't treat me that way and all that kind of stuff, And he'd call me and I'd say, Where were you last night? And he'd say, Well, I don't know why. Now I should have caught on with that, too, and I said, Because we were supposed to have a date.

He said, No problem. I'll pick you up tonight, and I'd go, Oh, okay. And I'd be really mad, you know, because I didn't show him, and so then he'd come and pick me up, and right before he'd get there, I'd think I've got to show him how it feels. If I just show him how it feels, he'll understand. And so I'd chug a lug a few beers before he'd get there, and he'd walk in and he'd look at me and he'd go, well, you're not going.

And I'd say, why not? He'd say, because you're drunk. And I said, well, I go with you when you're drunk. He said, I know. You hang out with drunks.

I don't. And, he was right. He was right. And we'd be riding around and he wouldn't be doing what I wanted him to, and I'd jerk the keys out of the car and throw them out in the vacant lot, and he'd get so angry. And he'd have to go find those keys, and he'd get back in the car and start hollering at me.

And I'd kick him or hit him, and we'd start having a fight. And then he'd take me home, and I'd walk in the house, and my mom would look at me, and she'd say, what do you do to that man to make him treat you like that? Because I'd have a black eye. And I'd say, What do I do to him? Look what he just did to me, not being responsible for my own actions.

It was a pattern that I had for like 15 years. If If he wouldn't have drank, I wouldn't have had to do that. Nobody ever told me I had to do things. I just intuitively knew that that's the way you acted. You had to get even.

I loved the sweet taste of revenge, and my girlfriends used to talk about their boyfriends coming over and doting on them all the time and Keith would come over and I didn't understand pass out, but he'd come over to my house to watch TV like my girlfriend's boyfriends would do with them and he'd pass out or go to sleep, I thought, and I think he can't do that to me. Why is he treating me this way? I'll show him. And so he came over 1 night and he went to sleep on me and Keith used to have long hair and a long beard and I thought, I'll let him have it. And so I went and got a razor and I shaved half his head and half his face off And he got up and he went home.

He came back, picked me up the next night for a date and he had the same way. And we go drag Main Street. That's when you drag Main Street, and we go drag Main Street. We go down this way, and he'd have long hair and a beard, and then he'd turn around. We'd go this way, and he'd be all clean.

And he'd say, everybody in this town thinks I'm too based anyways. And I just giggle and laugh. I thought he was so cute. He went around that way for about 2 weeks, and I just thought he was the cutest thing ever, and I still do. He shaved his head here a while back because his hair was getting so thin and, I went home and I said, oh my gosh,' because we used to fight about his hair all the time.

About 2 years ago, he did that and, went down. I saw him in the bathroom, shamed his head. I said, Oh, my gosh. He said, We're not going to have one of those hair bites, are we? And I said, Bet your ass, we're not.

You don't have any anymore. They started letting them grow out for a while. He wanted to see what it looked like and he came up to me. He said, why didn't she tell me? Because he's bald right up in here.

I said, tell you what, he said, looks like I have a toilet seat sitting on my hand. Head. Nobody would have known he would think like that. I just love it. It's so funny, yeah.

I mean, one day he said, you know, with his his beard, no hair, he said, look like he had his head on upside down. Yeah. I just love things like that. He is so cute. We have so much fun.

The neat part is we used to fight about stuff like that, just knock down, drag out fights. Yeah. Keith got a draft notice, and we decided that we couldn't live without each other, so we ran off and got married after dating for 2 years. And, Uncle Sam didn't whine, so I got to keep him. And, after that, Keith Folkes and I decided that what he needed to do is go back school, and Keith had gone to school for many years.

Never got a degree. But I knew that I had what it took to make him stay put because he had gone to way too many schools to carry all of his credits with him. And and so if he just stayed put in one place, he'd he'd be able to get an education, and I knew that I had what it took to make him do that. And so we packed up all of our stuff, and we moved to Stillwater, Oklahoma and Keith enrolled in school. And, shortly after that, we had our little girl, Simone.

And I can remember when they handed her to me thinking, Thank God, she's a girl. Because Keith was a drunk and his granddad was drunk, or his dad was, and his granddad was the town drunk. And I knew if we had a boy that he would carry on the family tradition. I didn't know that alcoholism is a family disease. I didn't know that it affects everybody in the family, that everybody gets insane, and you don't even have to drink alcohol to get there.

It is a family disease. Alcoholism doesn't care what sex, color, race or creed you are. It takes you to the gates of insanity and hell, and our family went there. I know the difference today between religion and spirituality. Religion is for people that are afraid to go to hell and spirituality is for those of us who have already been there, And we have all lived in hell.

It's been here right on Earth, and I am so grateful because of this program and the 12 steps and sponsorship, strong sponsorship, and to say get into action, Take the actions and get busy, and you'll get better. Work with others. Once we get this thing, we have to work with others, but the disease of alcoholism is so selfish and so self centered, and it thinks that we're the only ones. I thought that I was the only one that lived that way. I was so grateful when I got to this program to find out there was people that understood, that knew me without me even telling you what was wrong with me.

The minute I walked in the door, you knew what was wrong with me. I was talking to a newcomer the other night, and she lives in the house with some other single alanons and she got upset because she said I was walking into the house and Danielle was walking in and she went in the house and shut the door and I was standing right beside her and she just shut the door in my face. I said she probably didn't know you were there. She said, but I was walking right beside her on the sidewalk and I said, Duh, this is a disease of self centeredness. She's new too.

Don't you love newcomers? They think they're the only ones, the only ones in the world. And I felt that way when I was here, when I was new. And that's why it's so neat to talk to newcomers because they remind me where I came from and what it was like. You could have been standing on my foot and I wouldn't have even known you were there because my thoughts were into Him.

Where's He at? What's he doing? And who is he with? And how much is he drinking? I was just obsessed with his drinking, I believe, as he was obsessed with his drinking and none of that changed.

The fir the more the disease progressed, the worse it got with me. The more insane I got, And Keith went to school at Stillwater, and it took him 4 years to get a 2 year degree typical drunk. And I took all the credit. Typical element because I needed the validation. I needed something to let me know I was okay because the disease of alcoholism had started telling me I was nobody.

I didn't count. I didn't know nothing. I was stupid, and there was something inside of me that wanted to believe that. And there was things that Keith did say to me that I knew I didn't do. I go to the store, Where have you been?

You've been out messing around? And I think, No, I just went to the store. And I question myself, and that's what alcoholism wants. It wants us to question ourselves. It wants us to think what happened and I doubted myself all the time and it just kept getting worse And finally Keith came home one day after he graduated.

He goes, Still want to move to California? And I said, No, it's too wild and crazy out there. I'll never raise children in California. He said, Babe, you don't understand. You've been going to all these honky tonks.

You've been drinking out of paper sacks. You know, you need to go to California because you can dress up and go into a nice restaurant and they serve cocktails and that's where a lady like you belongs. And I'm going, Yeah. And so we hurried up and packed all of our stuff and he built this big wooden box, sprayed it bright blue, put it on wheels, and we hooked it up to our station wagon, and we headed out for California. We put Simone and our cat in the back of that station wagon at the back, laid down.

Down. We had to go through Oklahoma City at midnight and get prescription filled in a baggie, and I didn't see anything wrong with that because, you see, I did not did that part of the disease, that a drug is a drug is a drug. And we started out for California. It should take 3 days to get there. It took us 30 because it depended on what he drank or what he took as to how far we went, and there was days that he just stayed put.

And I can remember waking up in the mornings and looking at Keith to see how I was supposed to feel and how Simone was supposed to act. Because if daddy didn't feel good, you don't do nothing to upset him. You gotta be cool. And we get in that car and we go down the road and our our dog got so crazy. It said, stand behind the driver's seat and wait for big trucks and chase them to the back of the station wagon.

And it hit his head on the back of wind of the station wagon and beyond the cat, and they'd have a dog and cat fight. They'd be on top of Simone. She'd be crying. I'd turn around, and I'd start whacking and bitching and Keith had started drinking, and we did that one day at a time for 30 days. We got to California.

As soon as we crossed the state line, we got Keith got arrested because it knocked the mirror off of the right side of the car and we'd never been on freeways before, and so I had to hang out the window on the right side of the car to see if any trucks or cars were coming so he could switch lanes. And when the highway patrol pulled us over and stopped us, they said, We don't have human rearview mirrors in California. And so we found this house and we settled down and Keith was never gonna, you know, go off and work in the oil fields again and he didn't, and that would leave me and Simone at home, and I'd be standing at the window waiting for him to come home when he's gonna get here, and Simone would say, Mommy, what are you doing? And I'd say, Get away from me. I'm busy.

I'm busy. I was totally in my obsession. Don't interrupt my obsession. I'm thinking about him, and she'd say, Mommy, help me with my homework, you know, and I'd say, Get away from me. Or I'd be vacuuming.

And then Keith would walk in and I'd be right in his face. Where you been? What you been doing? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and the finger would just be gone. He'd say, Sue, get out of my face.

And I'd take one step closer and he'd say, Sue, if you don't get out of my face, I'm gonna hit you. And I'd take one step closer and the finger would just be gone and he had hit me and the knockdown drag out fight was on. And he had me on the bed one night and he was just choking the living tar out of me. And I thought, Oh my God, if he doesn't let go of me, I'm gonna die. I'm just absolutely going to die.

And I looked up at him, and he's looking down at me with all the intensity he has, and it dawns on me he's not thinking about nothing but me. I have 100% of his attention. I am number 1 in his life. And so I started those kind of situations a lot because that was the only time I was number 1 in his life. And we'd have those fights and he'd walk away.

He'd be done and I'd have that rage inside of me and what do you do? I didn't know what to do with it it and I'd turn around and Simone would be standing there and I'd take the rest of it out on Simone. And I remember one time I was banging her head against the wall and she looked at me and said, Mommy, I know what you're doing. She's showing daddy that you can act just like him. And I thought, How does she know that?

I didn't know that. And Keith came home one night and he said, Baby, you wanna go out to dinner? And I said, Oh, you bet. Because, you see, I wanted to be a lady. I was losing the ability to be a mother, to be a good parent, and to be a lady, and I wanted something to help me be a lady.

And I wanted to be somebody because the alcohol the disease and the alcoholic was always telling me I wasn't. And I needed something to validate me. And I needed all of that stuff. And so he said, You want to go out to dinner? And I thought, Yeah, because you see that's where a lady goes, and I wanted to be a lady.

So we hurried up and we got all dressed up and we drive up in front of this restaurant and it's a beautiful brick building. It has cocktails on a neon sign on the front of the building. It doesn't have rosies painted on the window or changer on the board above the door. It's not a Quonset building. It's great.

People are dressed up and they're in there and they look nice. And this guy waits on us and he takes us and he seats us like real people. And it's like, yeah, if we can do these kind of things, we'll be okay. We'll be like everybody else. You know, the illusion is that we return to normal And I wanted to be normal.

God, I'm so grateful I'm not today. Most of the normal people I know don't even have a clue what their character defects are. And they don't want me to tell about it either. But we have a clue, which gives us the opportunity to know what we can work on so we become better children of God. And we concentrate on what God wants us to be, and they don't have a clue.

And so I'm grateful for the teachings that I've had. Today I can say that I'm grateful that I've been where I've been and I have what I have because if I didn't have any of that, I wouldn't have you. And when I didn't have what I have today, I didn't have a God in my life. And I found you and I found God. And I am so grateful for that.

And we sit in that restaurant and we looked around and the guy came over and he said, Would you like a cocktail with your dinner? And I said, Yeah, because you can't get drunk if somebody else is mixing it. And they brought us our cocktails and set them down and I'll never forget it. We ordered Simona Shirley Temple. We didn't leave her out at all.

And Keith picked up his and he said, babe, let's toast to the good life. And God, it was heaven. We sat there and we toasted to the good life and it was wonderful and I loved it. And then I started counting and he had 10 to my one. I knew exactly how many he had.

And I watched those people in the room and they were classy people and they had long stem crystal glasses And God growing up in a trailer house and being oilfield trash, you don't have fine china like that. You don't have that kind of stuff. And they were sitting there and they had this sparkly stuff and then they were swishing and they were sniffing and I didn't know what they was doing but if I could do that, if I could have that, I'd be okay because I was always comparing my insides with your outsides, if I could just feel the way you looked, I'd be okay. I had to come to you to find out that happiness is an inside job and I was comparing myself with all of your outsides. And I wanted to be a lady and I wanted to be a classy lady and I wanted that.

And so the waiter came over to take our order, he said, Would you like wine with your dinner? And I said, You bet. And so I went off and he came back and he set those glasses, those long stem crystal glasses, down in front of us. It's like oh my gosh. And he poured Keith just a little bit and asked him if it was okay.

I said what What do you mean? Is it okay? You drink stuff in Oklahoma and they have things floating in it. Poor mine. And he poured mine and I sat there in all my smug and arrogance and I swished it and I sniffed it and I was wonderful until I looked across the table at Keith and he's drinking out of the carat.

And I just yell at him, What are you doing? He said, I'm drinking. What's that look like I'm doing? Smuts is not here and she slides under the table. And I'm hollering the waiter, Come here.

Come over here. Bring us our food now. And he walks over to the table and he looks at me. And I don't ever want to forget it. I am the non alcoholic.

He looks at me and he said, I'm sorry. You are not eating here. And I said, Why not? He said, Because you don't know how to act. Woah.

I don't know how to act. And I am so ashamed. And I am so embarrassed. And they're escorting us out, and we can't ever come back because he's talking to everybody in sign language. And we get home and I get right in his face and he said, Sue, get out of my face.

And I take one step closer and he says, If you don't get out my face, I'm gonna hit you. And I take one step closer and the knockdown drag out fights on him one more time. And that is the only way I can get his attention. Keith and I had a fight one night and he left. And that wasn't a pattern.

He usually came back. And I'm lying there in bed and I'm saying, God, please let him die out there. God, please kill him in a car wreck. Don't let anybody else get hurt, but please kill him. And then I'm thinking, Oh, my gosh.

What's happening to me? What's happening to me? This is the man I'm supposed to love. And I lay down and I cry myself to sleep. And I wake up the next morning and he's still not there and I'm more angry than I was the night before.

So I go in and I get Simone. I said, Okay, Simone. Come on. We're gonna go find your dad. I didn't have a clue where I was gonna find him out there, but I thought we'll start this after hours club down in Orange, which is about 12 miles from where we live.

And I'll start out there, and I'll go from there. And so we go down there and we get about 2 blocks from there and I look over and piece of pickups parked by this house over on the side street. And I look at this house and it's got motorcycles all over the lawn and by then Keith had become a biker and I was most afraid of that image. It was the meanest. And I thought, Damn him.

He's in that house with those Hells Angels and he's drinking and he's shooting up and I'll show him. I won't get him because I love the sweet taste of revenge. And so I got the key to his pickup out of my purse, and I got his pickup, and I drove that pickup 2 blocks from that house. And then I walked back to my car, and I drove my car 2 blocks in front of that pickup. Then I walked back to the pickup and I drove my pickup 2 blocks in front of that car.

And it only took me 4 and a half hours to get both of those vehicles home, but I did it and I felt good. And I wasn't a bad mother either. I didn't leave Simone unattended in either one of those vehicles. I made her walk every step of the way with me. And God, I felt so good.

And we went home for a little bit and the phone rings and it's Keith and he said, Keith he said, Sue, come and get me. And in all my smug and arrogance, I said, you have one of your buddies bring you home.' He said, 'Buddies, what are you talking about?' He said, I'm in jail. I said, jail? You can't go to jail unless I put you in jail because every time we'd have one of those fights, the cops were at our house. Either I'd call them, Simone would call them, or the neighbors call them.

And I was always putting him in jail, and then I'd go down and I'd bail him out with a hot check. And he'd gotten in jail by himself and he couldn't do that. That was against the rules. And I'm saying, No, no. You don't go to jail by yourself.

You know, why did you get in there by yourself? You can't go in there unless I put you in there, Simone, or the neighbors put you in there, you know. And he's gone, whatever, Sue, just come and get me. And so Simone and I go down there and my pail is baled, and I said, Come on, Simone. And she said, Let's get daddy.

And I said, No, we're not getting your daddy. Your daddy is a no good, rotten son of a gun, and we're not gonna get your daddy. Your daddy doesn't love us and he doesn't do nice things for us. He goes to jail. That's how much your daddy loves us.

He doesn't love you and he doesn't love Mary. Wouldn't do things like this. You see, I didn't understand he was a sick man. I didn't understand he had the disease of alcoholism. I took it all personal.

I thought if he just loved us enough that he would do it different. Today I know that it's a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body and he had no control over it any more than I did. And I love it because Alcoholics Anonymous gave Al Anon their 12 steps. And I wondered the first step, why does it say for Al Anon that we're powerless over alcohol and then our lives have become unmanageable? Why didn't he say we're powerless over the alcoholic?

Because every time Keith put alcohol in him, my life became unmanageable because my whole focus was on him and trying to make him do what I wanted him to do. There's only 2 times in my life today that I get upset and then my life gets unmanageable. It's when I don't get my way and when I do. It's just very simple. God's way is best.

Just go with the flow and do the next indicated thing. And I had no clue about those kind of things back then. And we left and we went home. And we did and Simone cried all the way home and told me how mean I was to her daddy. And I just yelled and screamed at her all the way home.

Because, you see, alcoholism is a family disease and it runs downhill. Was home for a couple hours and the doorbell rings and I go to the door and there's Keith standing there. And he did the dumbest thing that he always did. I go to the door and I said, What do you want? He'd introduce himself to me as if I didn't know who he was.

He'd say, 'Open the door, Sue.' And I'd say, no, you're not coming in.' He'd say, this is Keith Drummond. I live here, you know?' And I'd say, 'Not anymore.' And he'd say, Sue, please let me in. And I'd say, Beg. If you want in, you beg. And he'd get down on his knees in front of his own home and beg to get back in, robbing that man of his dignity.

When I thought he had enough, I said, Okay, you can come in now. And he turned around and he looked out in the driveway and he said, oh, by the way, babe, thanks for bringing my pickup home. And I wanted to die because I hadn't done that to be nice or to help him. And Keith and I, being the people that we are when we'd have those fights, he always pulled a gun on me because he was a cowboy and he always kept a gun and he's bit and he'd pull that gun on me and I hated it because guns shoot things and they heard things you don't want them to shoot like dogs and cats. Thank God, not us, but for the grace of God.

And it's like, You can't do that to me. I'll show you. And I picked up a butcher knife and I start fighting back with that butcher knife. And I'm not proud of all the things that I did. But I know who I am.

And I don't ever wanna forget the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about our past is our greatest asset. And I am so grateful that I was graced by the long timers in this program that the only literature they had was the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is nonconference approved literature in Al Anon, and I do not have a problem with that. But if you are new in Al Anon, our literature says read everything you can, learn everything you can about the disease of alcoholism, and what a better place to find it than the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I am so grateful for that book.

Because it told me the patterns, why my husband acted the way he did, and I needed to know that when I got here. Alcoholism is an ugly disease, and we fought with that gun and that knife for many years. Keith had been gone one time and he came home and I was going to give him the what fords one more time. And he made almost a fatal mistake. He went in.