The 27th annual Maine Roundup in Suggarloaf, ME

Very nice, lady. Thank you. My name's Otto, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Otto. I thought it was gonna be delightful to get away from the Texas heat.

Come up here in the mountains where it's nice and cool, but it is warm in here tonight. So excuse me for taking off my jacket, But I hope to finish. Thank you all so much for having me. I'm really happy to be here. I wanna thank, Phyllis for making that drive down to Bangor in Gitmeid.

I was told I was flying into Bangor. But I was afraid we were gonna end up at different airports. But she was there. And we we were looking for sheep coming back. I I saw some of those little wooden sheep you stick in the yard with with They were doing u turns all over the going back trying to find out some of those little sheep.

If I could send one of those home to my wife, she'd feel better. My son in high school, we had some of those. My son used to refuse to bring his friends over because we had sheep in our yard. If anybody knows where there's some at, see me after the meeting. We had a good time.

Not only was she, an excellent driver and a hostess, but she was also a pretty good tour guide. We did take the scenic route, which, took a little longer than the express. And she was telling me a few things about your wonderful state while, coming up. And I learned a little bit. I didn't know a lot about Maine.

I've never been to Maine before. Matter of fact, there's a lot of places I ain't never been before. But all I knew about Maine was that the University of Maine are the black bears. Is that right? And I know you have pretty good baseball teams at the University of Maine because I'm an Oklahoma State University fan and we have pretty good baseball teams.

We've squared off a few times. Anyway, coming up, she was telling me about, you know, that I'd probably run across a mosquito or 2 while I was here. And that if I got lucky, we might run across a moose. I've never seen a real moose. I'd I'd like to see a moose.

And I asked her, I said, is there any chance we might see a black bear? She said, that they're they're around, but there's not a good chance that we'll see a black bear. And I said, well, if we was to come upon a black bear, what should we do? Because I don't know about you guys, but I'm from the big city and this here is the woods. Okay?

She says, well, if we come across a black bear, turn around and run. Now, I thought there's no way we can outrun a black bear. And she says, that's true. But I figure I can outrun you. She's a wonderful host.

Is this your water? That's the way I like to drink anyway. Matter of fact, when they invented these, ain't that the cutest thing you ever saw? I'm a drinker. I'll drink a lot while I'm up here talking, but it's it's water for those of y'all listening to that tape.

But that's why I've got this wireless mic on. I might have to go pay before I get done. So if y'all find me in the restroom while the talk still going on, just remember, it's all live folks. Watch what you're saying. If there's anybody standing up, I see there's a few empty chairs.

If you've got an empty chair beside you, why don't you raise your hand so the folks stand there. If you'd like to come sit down, it's really it's cooler up here than it is back there because it's not so crowded. If anybody would like to come take a seat, hold your hand up. Anybody? Okay.

I know. Somebody told y'all about me. Everybody stays near the exits with me. This guy will wear you out. Paul Lowe said one time when I was at one of his meetings, he says, if if y'all get done before I do, just feel free to excuse yourself.

And I am starting my 1 hour timer now. Okay? And I don't expect to be done in an hour. Okay? So some of you been sitting for a long time.

If if it gets warm just go ahead and stand up, everybody. Come on. Just give me over here and a good old scratch, because I'm fixing to wear you on you. We just do what we gotta do. Anyway, got a note here to myself.

Don't suck on your teeth. Don't say, and don't say you know. Okay. I've been to toastmasters. I'm really not from Texas.

I'm from Oklahoma, which is an annex of Texas. Moved to Texas about 12 years ago. Didn't think it was gonna be that different. Silly me. Anyway, I'm adjusted now and I do consider myself a Texan, even though I will not lay any claim to George Bush.

You wouldn't consider that a political statement. Where's our delegate? That's not a political statement. Anyway, I'm, I am from Oklahoma. I grew up in a family of 6.

I'm the oldest boy, second child. I have an older sister, 2 younger brothers. And, my mom and dad like to drink. My mom and dad like to drink. My mom and dad liked to drink.

So I never saw drinking as queer or abnormal. It's been going on around me my whole life. Drunkenness, squawking and fighting and carrying on and being stupid, come natural to me. When that starts happening, I don't think there's anything odd going on. If I wanted to see my dad when I was a boy, I'd go down to the tavern if I wanted to hang out with him.

I grew up drinking them onion fried cheeseburgers at Hanksville Taproom, playing shuffleboard and horse collar and dominoes, shooting a little pool, waiting for the bookie to come in. And never saw anything queer about getting drunk or getting in a fight. I grew up living on, egg shells because my daddy had some rules that he tried to enforce in our home. I thought they were the rules. I didn't know they were just his rules, but these were the rules that I grew up with.

Things like, big boys don't cry. You wanna cry? I'll give you something to cry about. Don't be afraid. Don't feel bad.

If you feel bad or if you're scared, there's something wrong with you. So I ain't. You can do anything you put your mind to. Practice makes perfect. And where there's a will, there's a way.

If anyone can, you can. You always give a man a good hand. This is just like Penn and Teller, ain't it? Yeah. I kept rolling in business a long time trying to live by some of my daddy's rules.

You know, and he's my first higher power, my dad. And, he he had a lot of power. My father was a police officer with the Oklahoma City Police Department. I mean, he could raise his hand, blow a whistle, and the whole city would stop. And if you didn't stop doing what my daddy told you to, he could get on a radio and get enough folks that they'd they'd make it so you did what he wants you to do.

He put me in jail when I was 8. He just took me right on downtown, just locked me up. He says, I just want you to know. I'll be good daddy. I'll be good.

I grew up in a violent home. A chaotic home. My mom and dad married, divorced each other three times before I got out of high school. They couldn't live without each other. They couldn't live with each other.

I can remember laying in bed at night as a young boy just terrified that they were gonna come home. Because the fight was gonna start. And I've never been able to sleep. Matter of fact, I always thought I had a sleep disorder. That's kind of my problem.

I don't have a drinking problem. Matter of fact, kinda like court, drinking's been my solution for a long time. I need to get to sleep. I can't get to sleep. A few drinks to knock the edge off from me.

Help me get tired. Knock the edge off and help me get tired. And they need to get up and go to work in the morning. Ain't been a couple days. Damn, I just can't get to sleep.

And I really that that made sense to me. I never saw myself as a person who had a drinking problem. I had no idea what an alcoholic was before I met you. That's the truth. I thought an alcoholic was kind of a WC Fields kind of guy, like I'd seen on TV or a Mel Brooks.

What's that fell? Foster Brooks, you know? That must be what an alcoholic works. I'm certainly not a police finance and police officer like my father. You know, my mom's a postal clerk.

She works hard. And so I had no idea when drinking became a problem for me that it was a problem. I just that was just my normal. But I could always rationalize, justify, minimize, explain away my drinking so that the drinking was never the problem. Because our world has to make sense.

The world I live in has to make sense. 22 is 4, that's up, that's down. And whatever else is going on needs to make sense. So I would figure out a way to make that happen. People would call that denial.

Our big book calls it delusion. I'm one who never tried to quit drinking. I know there's many amongst us tonight, and my heart goes out to you, who've tried to quit drinking and failed, and tried again, and tried again, and tried again. And all I can say to you is don't quit trying. Come on back, you know.

And if you get one hand in mine and one hand in Dave's, you won't have a hand to drink with. Okay? And we'll just hang out till you quit drinking. Anyway, so I never saw drinking as a problem. I got a lot of problems, but drinking ain't one of them.

I'm this kind of guy who's never been able to catch a break. I don't know about you guys, but I have just never had a long run of good luck. I was born on Christmas day. Hey. If you ain't been there, you don't know.

But I've been screwed since day 1. Okay? Where's my harmonica player? Need a little nobody knows the trouble I've seen, if you would believe me. You'll be back.

I grew up in stark raven terror. I remember hearing my mother's scream. Opening the bedroom door that converted garage and looking down those stairs, seeing my father on my mother's chest with her knees his knees pinned in her shoulders to the bed. His fist hit her in the face. Blood all over the bed and all over the walls and her screaming.

And him pointed me and tell me to get back to my room. And we went. We get up the next day and we act like nothing happened. And we go to school. And when I went to school, I dated Laura.

Laura. Laura. Alright. Sorry, Court. I was not on the bowling team, buddy.

I'm class president, top teen. I'm head of student council. I MC the pep rallies. I head up the paper drives. I'm voted the friendliest boy at my school.

I'm class president. I'm a stud jockey athlete. I'm pretty much got it going on and I do date the cheerleader. Okay? And, that was my way of making people think everything was okay because you see what's going on at home, that's family business.

And if you grew up in a home like mine or if you raised in your kids in a home like the one I grew up in, well, see that family business we know stays at home. And the what we present to the outside world has nothing to do with what's going on at home. I was always scared to death that if you knew what was really going on in my house, you wouldn't want thing to do with me. And that's why I'm the friendliest boy in my school. And I swore, like many of us, that I would never be like my father.

But as I said, I never tried to quit drinking because I didn't know I had to. So inevitably, you know, because I've got that gene that says I'm predisposed, when I drank, I was just on my way to being just like my dad no matter how hard I tried not to be. It just manifests different. You know, I never hit my wife and I never hit my kids, so therefore I'm different. I'm not like my daddy.

Now the fact that I beat the hell out of my dogs, you know, that don't count. But, that's a good story. I'll tell you that one in a minute. Yeah. Anyway, I couldn't wait to get out of the house.

I went off to Oklahoma State University. I'm the first member of my family on either side to graduate from high school. Much less go to college. Unfortunately, when I got to college, there were no reins on my drinking. And I like to drink.

And I need to get up and go to class tomorrow. I haven't been in a few days. I never got initiated. You see, I got in trouble. The membership came to me and they said, Otto, when you drink, you embarrass us.

You gotta go some now to embarrass embarrass the fraternity boys. But I don't know. This is back in the sixties and streaking was real popular. And I just had I just loved to lose my shorts. I just loved it.

You know? Inappropriate places and times though, mom's day is not a good time to streak. You know? Anyway, they said, you can't drink anymore till you become a member of this here fraternity. You you are what we're gonna call a dry pledge.

That's the end of that fraternity. Needless to say, I never got initiated. You know, the darnest thing is, I always thought I chose to drink. And I never had a clue that I was drinking because I had to. Never had a clue.

And Never had a clue. Anyway, I didn't do very good in school because I was drinking. And, matter of fact, it's really ironic. There was a a tavern there called the draft board. And I like to go in there and drink that draft beer.

Because I did that instead of going to class, I got drafted. So in 1967, I went off into the military. Now I just knew being the stud that I was, that they were gonna make me a general's aide, Or they would, you know, put me in charge of the NCO club. It'd be a happening joint now. Let me tell you.

Okay? It'd be one of the best NCO clubs in the USA army. Well, they put me in a motor pool. I like cars. I'm a racing nut.

I love cars, but the little house I grew up in is located right outside of turn 2 of the speedway. You know, when the cars come around the second turn, they mow jalopies, they throw mud in my front yard. We grew up in a fine neck of the woods. But anyway, they didn't do that. They said, they tested me and said, Ollie, you look like pretty good material for the infantry.

I couldn't believe that. You know, I've just never been able to catch a break. And, you know, 67, 68, Vietnam's going on. And, I didn't wanna go to war as an infantryman. And so I did everything I could do to avoid going to going to war.

And, you know, I don't know about you guys, but my best thinking sucks. And my best plans don't work, never have. But, you know, I figure if I try hard enough and where there's a will, there's a way. And if anyone can, you can't, I'll get it. Well, I'm trying to make it happen.

I've been dancing pretty much fast as I can my whole life. It just don't work. And, so anyway, I avoided going over there as long as I could. I I made rank e 5 before I went to Vietnam. So I went as a squad leader, which I thought was a much better plan than going as the, you know, the little guy in the squad.

I much I much rather be the leader than the follower. I don't know about you guys. I like being in charge. I'm kind of a take charge kinda guy. And, but, you know, my best thinking see, they give me a squad of 9 men, and I take 3 men, go out for 3 days, 2 nights, come back Firebase, spend the night.

Then I get 3 others, and I go out for 3 days, 2 nights, come back, spend the night at Firebase. And I get 3 guys who go out for 3 days, 2 nights, come back, spend the night at Firebase. Then we all 9 go out together, 3 days and 2 nights, come back, spend a night at Firebase. Then we go out on a full Zoom sized suite. 3 nights, 2 days, come back to the Firebase.

Time out. Who's out there every damn night? And so every time we have contact with the NBA, we were fighting a regular NBA army, up in the Highlands there where play play near Pleiku, where Laos and Cambodia and Vietnam come together. And I was always there. Every time something happened, I was there.

So I didn't last very long. And, 68 was not a good time to be there. And, I didn't like war. And, they couldn't have prepared me for war. And, I saw and did things I never dreamed I'd have to see or do.

And the day before, I was wounded. And the day before, I was wounded. It's it's it's hard for me to share these stories with this, what's going on in Iraq right now. They're just blowing people up over there. It's it's I'm very sensitive to that.

And anybody else in here who's has family there or any service men who are veterans, please know that I love you and, that my story, if you'll stick it out, has, it's got a good ending today. But that day, September 1, 1968, we went in on a hot LZ, and we just went in with weapons and water because we knew we were gonna have contact with the NBA. And there weren't very many of us that got in the ground got on the ground before Emmy opened up on us, and the rockets were coming out of the trees. Pop, and they hit those helicopters, and the helicopters are down. There's a very small l z, and the l z is blocked, and the helicopters are burning.

We can't get any more help in, and there's just a few of us that are stranded on this hot LZ in deep, deep, deep, deep mountain jungle. And, we were in big trouble. And the, CO radio that he was gonna fly over and drop some firefighting equipment to us and, some c 4 plastic explosives. And hopefully we could blow down some trees, put out some of the fire and make room to get some more help in there because we were terribly outgunned. And as he came and hovered over the LZ to drop that firefighting equipment to us, I was watching to see where it would fall because I'm in charge.

And as I'm watching that helicopter, here come another rocket out of the trees and just popped that helicopter out in front of me, and it just wobbled and fell into the fire with the others. Me and a kid named Henderson, we jumped up from our spot on the perimeter, and we ran into that fire. We started getting guys out of that helicopter and, one of them was so horribly wounded that he became a living nightmare for me. He became, somebody who became a part of my everyday for the rest of my life. This young man had both his legs blown off.

His face was destroyed. One of his arms was dangling off. He was still alive. And we used our boot laces to put tourniquets on his legs so that he'd stop bleeding. We put pressure all over him to try to slow the bleeding.

And we covered his mouth to try to muffle his cry so he wouldn't draw fire without suffocating him. And the medic finally came and took that young kid. And I went back into the fight. I never knew who he was. I never saw him again.

I figured he just died. But I lived with nightmares of that kid since since September 21, 1968. That's a wonderful excuse to get drunk. I've had a lot of good excuses for getting drunk. And you don't understand was pretty much a pat answer for me when anybody would try to help me.

I've had a lot of wonderful people try to help me because I'm a pretty good old boy, really. I'm not a bad guy. I just do and go and say things I wouldn't normally do and go and say when I'm drinking. And, people have tried to help me, but I always felt you just don't understand, you see? I grew up in this abusive home where my dad would lock me in the closet and hold my hand over the stove, beat me with belts and straps, and lock us in the closets, and dangle us over the furnace.

And, then I go off to war, and it was horrible. And the next day, in that same l z, I was shot. And I walked up on an enemy position. I was shot twice. I lost my left hip, and I lost my left ankle.

Both rounds went right through joints. And if you've ever heard the expression, I'm gonna blow your ass off. Happened to me. I carry my billfold over here because I ain't got one. See?

So it looks like I got something going on over here. That's because I want all you little Phyllis' at large to know that I'm okay. But I was hurt real bad. And, a young kid named Duane Grendelon, if anybody knows him, I'm looking for him. I haven't been able to find him in all these years.

But a young kid named Duane Grendel crawled up under that gun and pulled me down, got me to a dust off. And they sent me to a hospital in Dakota, Japan. I was there 7 weeks. And they sent me to a hospital in California, and then a hospital in Texas. And then I was finally sent to Reynolds Army Hospital in Forest Hill, Oklahoma so I could be close to my family.

When I turned 21, I've been in the hospital for 4 months. When I turned 22, I was still there. I had a gross staph infection that would not heal. Spent the first 9 months of my hospitalization in what they call a spica or a body cast, where I'm in plaster from my chest down. They've got my whole body immobilized.

Can't move anything but my arms. And they cut little windows in it, and they would open those windows to treat my wounds. And they'd stuff that gauze way down in those deep holes inside of me, trying to get it to heal from the inside out. But since I didn't have any joints, they just put big pins and screws in there trying to get it to stay together. And it was it was just the option, you know, the infection wouldn't heal while there was something foreign in there, but they couldn't take what was foreign in there because then I wouldn't heal and I was in a real catch 22.

And I suffered terribly and it got it was so bad. I mean, when you're in a cast from your chest down, it irritated my my nipples. They had to cut my titties off. Where's where's that harmonica? It's sad.

I was angry too. I was pretty angry about being there. I'm in a lot of pain, and in that cast they can't give you injections or anything anywhere but in your arms. It didn't take long for my arms to become so scarred that they wouldn't, they weren't soft enough to accept fluids. And, they did crazy strange things to put things into me, but I can remember them giving me pain medication.

And you'd hear that needle go into my shoulder, it sound like it's going into balls of wood. And I just cried because when they give me that injection, it would just run right back out around the needle and down my arm because it couldn't go into all that scar tissue. Don't you be afraid? Don't you feel bad. And I could do that in that situation.

You know, they used to bring in the guys they'd bring guys in and put them in my room so I could cheer them up. I was that big of a clown. I was in that much denial. I was I had that kind of living skill, that I could take reality and push it far, far, far away. And as long as I had enough alcohol and drugs, I could reinforce anything I wanted to believe.

Never dreaming that that was gonna be a problem for me. See, I just I got this horrible pain in my hip. When I finally got out of the hospital, I had an open draining wound in my buttocks for 7 years. And I'd wear big gauze bandages over here so it wouldn't run out on my clothes. And I have chronic pain.

They didn't get my they got my ankle diffused solid, but they didn't get my hip diffused solid. It moved just about 5 degrees. And that 5 degrees is just enough to cause me horrible pain. And I live with daily, chronic, severe pain, and you don't understand. You see, these pills I take are prescribed.

Most of them. And of course, I never told the doctors what I was mixing well. All I know is it hurts, and I can't bend. All the furniture in my home is custom. Bar high.

Because I can't bend. I have not touched that left foot in 28 years. I can't cut my own toenails. I can't change my own shoe because I can't bend. See, I don't have a hip joint.

So I sit on my right cheek on bar stools. I got custom toilets. I got custom furniture. If you come to my house to eat, we're gonna sit around a bar height custom built dining room table. And, you know, I can't sit in the back seat of cars.

I live with this disability my whole life. And I just thought, you don't understand. It hurts. It's painful. I was a doc worker.

That has nothing to do with boats, Jean. I just meant doctor a didn't know what doctor b is giving me. Doctor b didn't know what doctor c was giving me. And, you know, I could walk into any clinic, drop my pants, and they'd go, oh, shoot. What do you need, honey?

Yeah. How'd you get that? Oh, yeah. I took lots of pain medication. But you know what?

I never thought that I had a problem with pain medication. I had very real pain. And, you know, I can't get to sleep nights. You know, when I try to lay down and go to sleep nights, I see my dad beating my mama. When I try to lay down and go to sleep at night, I see that young kid blown to pieces on that landing zone.

When I try to lay down and go to sleep at night, I I remember laying in that hospital all those months months months year months months months. And I'm not very skilled at relationships. And I'm married and divorced, and married and divorced. And I don't know about you guys, but when my wife wanted to punish me, one of the things she'd do is she'd withhold her sexual favor. I hate that one.

You know, and that just I just I don't like going to bed. You know, it's hard to go to bed at night with a pretty girl, and you can't touch her. You know what I mean? Shoot. I got a I got a sleep disorder.

I got a problem with sleep. And who would begrudge me a drink? And yeah, I'm drinking out of bigger and bigger glasses all the time. Never thought I had a problem. 1,000 excuses.

All of them true. But I just didn't have any skills to live in the reality of my circumstances and situation. The dial's a bitch. You know, I like delusion better, because, I think it suits us better. Denial kinda reminds me of Bill Clinton, you know.

I did not have sexual relations for that one. Now that's denial, folks. That's just that's just flat out lying. Okay? And I denial to me always seem to equate to not telling the truth.

But delusion, you see, delusion's my truth. When I'm living in delusion, I'm living in my truth. It just doesn't have to be real. But when I tell you I don't have a drinking problem, I wasn't lying. That's my truth.

Towards the end of my drinking career, I'll tell you how it works. I could always explain why I was drunk. I like the car races. I've been an auto racing, NASCAR racing fan forever. And, I was down at Speedweeks.

Yep. I was down there at Speedweeks in, Daytona, Florida. I'm divorced again, by myself, again. And, but I hooked up with some good old boys. You know?

They got some good old boys down there. And I of course, I always hook up with the ones that are carrying the big cooler up in the stands. You know? Not I never hooked up with the family carrying the little Playmates. You know?

No. The big old burly boy's carrying that big old 2 handled cooler up in the stand. You know? That's the one I'm gonna hook up with. And, and, so I met these guys.

What's that say? I can't see. I met these guys and we were going to all the races around Speedweeks. They race all week long there in Florida. And we went to the Tampa State Fairgrounds, and all these different racetracks.

These guys were racing nuts, just kind of like me, and they drank like me. So we fit together real good. And one night, we'd been at Florida State Fair. And we watched the cars go in circle on the dirt mile and had a good time. And we left there, and the state fair is going on.

So we walked around the fairgrounds and threw balls of Kewpie dolls, and scoped out the girls, and ate corny dogs, and just had a good time there at the fair. And then we left, and we went to a night club. Now, oh, I'll never forget this night club. It's called The Pit. It's cool.

And the reason it's called The Pit is because they had a big hole dug in the ground, and you go down in that pit and dance. You know, and I love to dance. Now, I might be a cripple. Well, let me tell you. I know when I get it going, all of you girls want me.

I know it. I got my fake jewelry hanging over the rail, you know. I'm trolling for little lauries and phyllis'. And I've been drinking 12, 14 hours this day and eating them little bills. I like to wear 5 zero one blue jeans.

You got that little pocket right there? That's my pill pocket. Don't even have to carry a bottle of nothing. Just fill that pocket up in the morning when you start. Going on there, somebody said, what you got there?

Tic Tac. Can I have what? Nope. Just ran out. Anyway, I I drink beer, but I like to drink bourbon.

Okay? I'm a bourbon drinker. A whole lot of bourbon, little bit of coke. And I drink bourbon, and I'm dancing. And I've been drinking, dancing all day.

And I don't know about you guys, but I get sick a lot. And it's hard to be cool and be sick, so I go outside. I'm sick. And in February in Florida, 2 in the morning, it's cold outside, but I am sweating. If there's anybody here that's not sure if you're alcoholic, now this is not a dead giveaway.

But if you've done this, I won't look at it. That stuff just blowing out of my hood. I got puke on my pants. It's, it's on my fake alligator boots. It's all over this poor guy's car.

Oh. I got little pieces of corn dogs stuck out my nose. Go back in the club. Get myself another drink. I gotta get that taste out of my mouth.

Oh, God. Oh, my god. I'll be telling Laurie. Oh, honey. I got sick.

I promise you, I swear, as long as I live, I will never ever ever again eat another state fair corn dog. That greasy damn thing made me sick. 2 and 2 is 4, that's up, that's down and that corn dog made me sick. That's delusion. That's delusion because you see, I believed myself when I said those things.

And when I never quit drinking, the idea of not drinking was the stupidest thing I could have ever come to mind with. Why would I not drink? You don't understand. I live with this horrible pain and disability. And my wife has left me again, and the kids don't mind, and the creditors are on my back, and the VA don't give a damn, and I don't get my fair share, and nobody understands, and I just as soon whoop you as look at you, and you better buy me a drink.

Anyway, I've stayed drunk too long. I know. Never dreamed I had a problem with drinking. Never dreamed I never took a pill I didn't need, Or I was, you know, I took something I thought I might need later. Okay?

I quit being a martyr a long time ago, you know. Just because it doesn't hurt right now does not mean it's not going to hurt. And I don't know why the hell I should wait till it hurts to take that pill, when I can take it now and beat it to the punch. Okay? And that made perfect sense to me.

Well, I've been in and out of sanitariums. And, you know, I've been to biofeedback therapy, and marriage counseling, and individual counseling, and veterans counseling, and post traumatic stress disorder counseling. And I've been to all these counseling places, and, you know, nothing helps. You know, I'd I'd see this doctor, and he'd give me Valium. And I'd keep this doctor give me vaxx, vaxx or something.

I had a lot of good drugs that I liked. But I finally went where I didn't want to go, and that was to a VA counselor. I just figured those guys, they were like, they was apt to lock me up. Every time I got locked up, it was through the VA. So I didn't like going there.

But I was pretty desperate. And I'd seen on TV where Valium was addictive. And that it was being overprescribed. And a lot of people were having trouble with it. And I was having trouble with Valium.

Now I wouldn't copped anything else, but Valium was giving me a problem. You see, because I'm always out of Valium. I don't know why that is, but I'm constantly out. And, you know, the greatest fear for an alcoholic or an addict is to run out. You know?

You just you know? But we didn't have a liquor bar at my home. We had a liquor closet. And, because we weren't gonna run out. But I was always running out of value.

And when I run out, I mean, it was just like, oh, boy. I mean, you know, Jesus. Yeah. Oh, you know, and I can't even drink when I'm out of volume, you know, because when the boy, you can't, you know, the withdrawals are so bad you choke on water, you know. I need help.

So I went to see this doctor and said, man, I gotta get off this and get on Xanax or something because it's killing me, man. He said, well, you know, Valium's a tough drug to get off. You might wanna go to a medical detox. And then if it's gonna be hard, I didn't want nothing to do with it. So I agreed to a medical detox.

And I went into a hospital. And that was on July 1, 1985. I haven't had a drink since June 30, 1985. So Now I had no intentions of quitting drinking. You know, my intent was to go in there, get off the value, and get on something else.

And then go on about coping the best I could cope. But what happened was, they was a little sharper than me. Not hard. And, they kept me quite a while. And I consider my sobriety date July 11th, because I took my last little pill down there at the nurses station on July 10th.

On July 9th, I was pretty well detoxed. And I really didn't need that last Librium tablet from the nurses station, but it had my name on it. And those of you who've never abused pain medication won't understand when it starts to call your name. So I had to go take it. And, you know, I knew I didn't need it, and that's when I knew that I didn't have the power to choose anymore.

July 10, 1985. And so I became a little more willing. And you know what? A lot of my fears were set aside because I didn't die. I just knew I was gonna die.

God, I was scared to death when I went and treated me. You know, one thing we hate to do is give up control. You know, because if you're not in crowded control, you can't get your drink when you want it. You know, heaven forbid you put me somewhere where I can't get my drink when I want it. You know?

And they put me in this treatment center. I'm trying to explain to them, you know, that I've got this sleep disorder and all kinds of other ailments. And yes, I understand I need to get off Valium, but you really need to, you know, to to help. I need something to help me get to sleep. And the nurse, she says, oh, Otto.

Honey, you'll sleep when you get tired. Here's another one that don't understand. You know? So I tried to explain it to her from over here. You know how if you just change it a little, maybe they'll understand it this time?

Okay. You don't understand. You see, I need something to help me get a cc. Oh, Octo. Honey, nobody ever died from a lack of sleep.

I thought, well, you might, you bitch, if I don't get something right now. That's scared. That's pretty slick in there. These people have seen folk like me and you before. And the wonderful thing that happened was once they got me detoxed, I could begin to hear a little bit was people from AA came to that treatment center and told their stories, kinda like I'm telling mine tonight.

And it was the first time in my life I ever met people that didn't try to tell me about me. Lots of wonderful people tried to help me my whole life. They'd always start out with auto u. Auto you drink too much. Auto you just need to get a little more sleep.

Auto you just need to save a little more money. And I'd always think, you just need to get out of my face. Because you don't understand. See, I ain't never told anybody the truth, so they can't tell me nothing about me. If my mouth's moving, I'm lying.

So how can you know about me? Well, come in the treatment center, you folks come up to tell you stories, and you tell your stories much like mom telling mine that's in the first person. And to me, that's what makes Alcoholics Anonymous work. And that's why our singleness of purpose is so important. Because you see, it's one alcoholic telling him about himself, not trying to tell the alcoholic about himself, telling that alcoholic about himself that it gives the alcoholic the opportunity to identify his own alcoholism, and that's exactly what happened to me.

Because people came in and they told my secrets. They shared the things that I was afraid to tell anybody about myself. They had corny dogs in their nose and stuff. And they told people about it. Gee many Christmas.

And you all were the damndest folks I ever saw. Not only had you had a life experience similar to mine, some a little different, some a little different, but the big picture was the same. I mean, there was a black guy, 73 years old, coming to tell his story. I'm 37 when I get sober. What do mean a black 73 year old guy have in common?

But when he started talking about the way he drank and the things that happened to him, he tried to kill himself through asphyxiation. He turned the gas on in his stove. His life's unmanageable. His best plans don't work, and he just blew the house up. And he's burned all to hell.

And his fingers are burned to stubs, and he's black, but he's pink from the burns. And he stood in front of us in that hospital room and told us about his alcoholism and drug addiction. And I could no longer say, but you don't understand. And more amazing more amazing was I could see in his eyes that that sucker was happy being who and where he was that day. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. And being who and where he was that day. Doing what he was doing. It is the damnedest thing I ever saw. And I couldn't get enough of this guy.

I couldn't get enough of all you guys that would come up to the hospital. You know, it's like somebody been telling a joke my whole life and I didn't get it. You ever been in a room where somebody's telling a joke and you don't get it and everybody's laughing and you just kinda Yeah. And then all of a sudden it's, I'll be damned. I'm an alcoholic.

Go figure, a stud like me. How could that be? I'm an you know what? I think my mom. I think my dad.

I think my. Hey, mom, dad. We're all alcoholics. Come on. They were not excited.

They did not come to my family week. I don't have a family tree. I have a family thicket. Okay? But I was excited.