The 9th Beartooth Mountain Conference in Billings, MT

Thank you. My name is Carol Thornton, and I'm a very grateful and enthusiastic member of Al Anon. I wish you guys were a little more enthusiastic. Just a tad. I always think I'm in Nebraska when I hear this because that's one of my favorite places to talk.

Thank you. My name is Carol Thornton, and I'm a very grateful and enthusiastic member of Al Anon. I wish you guys were a little more enthusiastic. Just a tad. I always think I'm in Nebraska when I hear this because that's one of my favorite places to talk because they're very enthusiastic, but everywhere I go, they're enthusiastic.

I want to see the hands of the AA members in the audience. I want you, Al Anon, to take a look at the men and women of Al Anon who have open minds. Some don't care for us. Don't ask me why. I think they're afraid, you know.

When you get boo and hiss, it's just because they're jealous they don't have one at home And I'm glad you have this frock here because I have a young lady I sponsor named Rebecca and she always, when she has the newcomers meeting and gets a whiner, she always says, get off the cross, we need the wood, and there it stands, you know. I just love it. I don't use notes but these are my notes to remember to thank Cindy for asking me. I'm very grateful to be asked to share it anytime because you have given me back the only thing that was ever mine to give away, and that's myself. And for that, I will be extremely grateful.

My gift bag in my room was darling, and, I thank you for that. My room is very lovely. You know, they had me living in a teepee and going to the outhouse and, all the stuff all the way up here because I told Cindy that I really don't do campouts. My idea of camping out is wearing turquoise, and that's as close as I wanna get, you know. Janet is a lovely hostess and her husband, Carl, we just had lots of fun coming up here and lots of laughter because, of course, we had Karen with us who is still napping.

But we tried. We tried. We made a lot of noise. We went in several times and bless her heart. She's really gonna have to live this one down.

You've had a fine speaker. You heard, Donna and you're gonna hear her husband. I won't try to run into your time, Terry, this afternoon. You have a great great bunch of speakers. They are all wonderful up till now, And, I'm a sharer, not a speaker, but, I need to tell you how grateful I am.

This is beautiful. You know, this I just got back from Alaska when the gentleman that stood up for Alaska, and it is, there are no atheists in Alaska. It is the most beautiful place I've ever seen, and and this comes pretty close. This is really gorgeous. We don't have this much open space in California and, we don't have this much air, And I'm not used to driving to a conference without a gun or a knife, you know, and lunch and water because you never know when you're gonna get there.

They have every day you can turn on your television and see, what do you call them? Runaway car, the chase speed chase, you know, that's just common anymore. And, it's a crazy place to live, but I absolutely love it. I've always loved living in California, and for for that, I'm grateful. I need to tell you a little bit about what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like today.

I looked nothing like the lovely lady you see up here today when I got to Al Anon. I have before and after pictures. I don't know what I have with me, but, to proof of what I'm talking about. And, this is not ego. It's just, reality, and I never wanna forget that.

But But I'm an army brat. I'm one of 7 children. I was born and raised in the army. My dad was a career army man, and the things that I'm gonna share with you this morning are direct results of a written 4 step done with the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and written in the 4 column method. Now I know some of you might not think that's conference approved, but I'm here to tell you nobody in this room is conference approved and unless you got that tattoo on you.

Some people don't approve of that, but you see when I came in, there was no blueprint for progress. And I hate to remind the Al Nons, but, you know, everything we have today we got from them, including the illness. So they wouldn't live with us if we behaved like them for 2 seconds. So no wonder we're sicker than they are, you know. I have no quarrel with that, you know.

They wouldn't live with it. That's the absolute truth. I haven't met an alcoholic yet who doesn't agree with that. So I have no quarrel being the sicker. But I grew up with my folks for a lot of fun.

My folks, I'm sorry to say, are not alcoholic. I don't call any of my relatives alcoholic because they didn't go to meetings. And, it's my conception. My sponsor told me that I didn't have the right to call anyone an alcoholic unless they raise their hand in an AA meeting as an alcoholic. Before that, they're just drunk.

Now my parents drank, we had parties every Saturday night, and, it was always looked like fun to me. I grew up having no fear about drinking, that my mother laughed and sang and played the piano till the day she died. She was a dynamite lady and, she had to be crazy, first of all, to have 7 kids. Her mother had 13. She was even weirder.

But, back then we didn't know where babies come from. I heard a friend of mine say Ken Devaney, who said, you know, say sex to us and our error was make sure the doors are locked on the car. But I had 5 brothers. I was the only girl in that family for a long time, and the rule in the house was they had to take me everywhere they went. And, and I loved it.

They hated it. But, no one ever talked back in my family. We that's been back when children were seen and not heard. I try to remind my grandchildren of that, but it doesn't work. And, but they had to take me everywhere and I could beat them at any sport, and I love that, you know, and I can do anything they can do.

Even today when we're together, you know, I said the only difference between me and you is that you've never been pregnant and I've never been circumcised and that's it, you know, and so it was a happy house. Now when I say it was a happy house, it was a house full of rules because my dad ran us just like the army. There were Saturday morning inspections, and we were restricted when we did something naughty. We were whipped with the belt. I don't go to battered children's anonymous.

Thank you. I qualify for a lot of programs. I go to nothing but open AA meetings, all the team when I'm invited in Al Anon, and that has given me everything that any woman in the whole world could want in her life and more, more than I ever deserved or expected. And, so, I'm happy with that. But it was fun getting a whipping in our house because my dad was gone a lot, and my mother had a, she couldn't catch us, and she would start laughing.

She had a marvelous sense of humor and she gave each one of us that sense of humor as a gift. And I misused mine for a long time in my marriage till I got to Al Anon. But anyway, she couldn't catch us, but she had a fine mind, which is probably what I told her. I said the reason you're losing your mind, mom, is because you you tattled on us so much when we were kids. But she would just give her morning report to dad.

She would he would come home and she'd say she did this, he did this, he did this, and he'd march us in 1 by 1 and whip us with this belt, you know. We paid my youngest brother Nicholl Hyde that belt. He was always pretty dumb. He always dad would always say tell the truth and you won't get a whipping and he'd tell them and get the whipping for ratting. I thought it was great and but it was a lot of fun.

But there were certain things. The labels I share with you this morning are direct results of that 4 step. I didn't like being a girl because girls were diff were raised different in our house. I had to be in the house at 9 o'clock till I was 16 years old. They my brothers didn't have to peel potatoes.

They didn't have to set the table or do dishes or make their bed or do any of those things and I really felt put upon. Now I never mentioned that, I am not that dumb. I never thought about it then until I got into my inventory. But, and we moved a lot. I hated, hated moving.

I grew up with the thought that all I wanted to do was grow up, get married, and live in one town the rest of my life. My children would go to school and their children would go to school, and we would never ever move. And, you know, eventually in this program, you get all your all your dreams here, you know. Today I have lived 20, almost 21 years in the house that I'm in now. That's the longest I've lived in almost 21 years in the house that I'm in now.

That's the longest I've lived in any house in my entire life, and that's because of this program. But, we moved and I hated being the new girl in school. And my brother and I who are about 10 months apart, I think, something like that. And, we lied and told him we were twins, so that helped a lot because I had my brother in the same class. And, it was a fun life.

And, so those those were the things. That's all I wanted to do was grow up, get married, and have 8 children because I love big families. And, I am so grateful that God does not listen to the prayers of fool. I don't know I don't know what I would have done with 8, although I have 8 today, and I hope to remember to tell you that. I had 4 and they're all mine.

And, you'll understand that. But when we moved from Oklahoma into New York, my father decided it was time to get me out of overalls and into a dress to become a lady, and so he put me in a convent. And my folks aren't Catholic, that's 1, and aren't to this day. But in those in the olden days as my kids like to say, that's what they did. I went to school with girls from, all over the world, different face, different colors, and my nuns are not kind and loving.

They were trained by Hitler, and The meanest the meanest nun in that school, it was a personal friend of mine till the day she died. She died 2 years ago, and she taught me a whole lot. They were consistently mean. Nice to be consistent. She taught me not to play, to chew gum.

She she told me not to chew gum and, and so I chewed it. And she invited me to eat soap, and it was not Dove or Ivory. It was GI soap is what I called it, but it was like Feld's nap then. All of you in this room are much too young to remember that soap, but it's yellow. It was about this big and I'll tell you something that I learned, I did not chew gum till I was 45 years old.

And even today, I only chew half a stick in case I make one of those broads And, some things never go away. And nuns today still look like nuns even though they don't really have it. You know, I tease this to be all the time because I got to watch her get sober and wittier. And, I said, you know, you look like a nun in a bathing suit. I mean, there's just something about it.

And, it's true. They do. But, because of that fine Catholic education, I became a convert to Catholicism and I majored in in shame and minored in pain, I think. I don't know. Everything I heard and that's as I heard and I'm no different than the alcoholic.

I have selective hearing on any any day, depends on my spiritual, connection with God. I can tell you that because, I hear funny. And, unless I'm in a good place, I hear funny today. But all I heard was there's big sins and little sins and, and I didn't want to be caught doing that. But, that fine that I learned also in the program that, you know, religion is for those who believe in hell, but spirituality is for those of us that have been there, and that suits me just fine.

I'm a Catholic in good standing. I'm not a recovering Catholic. I I have no quarrel with the church. Church didn't have anything to do with what I did with my life, and I'm happy to report that. I, we eventually I went to high school in Europe and we eventually came back and we sailed in California, in Northern California and I met the God of my understanding.

Now I had dated some in high school. Male friends, and a lot of girlfriends. And the reason I had all those people in my life was because I had 5 good looking brothers. I am not dumb. And, and they loved coming to our house because it was always a lot of fun.

My brothers to the to this day, when they were in the service never came home alone. They always brought 2 or 3 other people with them. And as I said, now when I tell you how my family was, it says when the 7 of us were together, it's like we had 7 different sets of parents. Everybody remembers their folks differently. And I learned that in open AA meetings in and out.

And because it's really funny, I say God that doesn't sound like my mother, you know, must have been yours. And my mother used to just make my mother's hair stand up when we do that. Excuse me. But, it was a it was a neat time in my life, but I always thought that my father had ruined my life because the night of my senior ball, the gentleman that I was going to the to the dance with was older than I was, and the deal was he had to have me home by midnight or the MPs would escort me home because we were living on base. And that's exactly what they did.

We were 5 minutes late and they took me out of the car into the jeep and delivered me to my father and I was restricted for 30 days. And when my dad said no, he meant no. You know, he was a very small man in stature. But let me tell you, he meant what he said, said what he meant, and he covered the ground he stood on till the day he died. And, I'm forever grateful for that upbringing today because it has given me a fine mind and, most of the time, since I'm more mature than most of you, not older, more mature.

I like that. But anyway, I met the God of my understanding and he was wonderful as all alcoholics are. And I have the right to call him an alcoholic because he died as a member of, Alcoholics Anonymous this past year and for that I'm eternally grateful for and because it wasn't always that way. But, he was everything anybody could any girl could want. He was tall and good looking, had blonde curly hair, blue eyes, big dimples, big shoulders, was a big football star.

Sounds like a horse, but he was just built that way. He was just big. And, I entered into the relationship the same way I entered into the marriage 2 years later. Lucky. Wasn't I lucky that I had this wonderful man who was so wonderful, good looking, polite, well mannered, wonderful, wonderful man, good sense of humor, that wanted someone as ugly as I was because all my life I felt ugly.

I don't know where my self worth was, but I never felt adequate, never felt dressed appropriately. If I went to a party and they were in slacks, I was in a dress. If I went in slacks, they were in dresses. Just never fit in. My feelings are no different than the woman alcoholic.

You see, after the first step I believe that we are exactly alike. I have no quarrel with that. I have as many I feel as welcome in Alcoholics Anonymous as I do in Al Anon and Alatine today, and I'm grateful for that because it's not always that way in some areas today, and it's kind of sad. But anyway, I, we were engaged for 2 years and all the rules in our house stopped. I thought they liked him better than me.

That's exactly how I felt. But it was a wonderful courtship. I knew then that there was a little problem, but I couldn't see it. It was always my fault. He always said it was my fault and I always believed him.

And, we married 2 years later and he proposed with that magic two words. Your what? So we ran off to Reno and we were married. And you know, it started. My marriage is no different than anyone else's.

It's just more in one degree and not another. No alcoholics are alike. I'm here to tell you that and for that I'm entirely grateful for. But anyway I knew nothing about alcoholism, absolutely nothing. I thought that I was going crazy and, crazy and crazier, you know, it's just I couldn't figure out what was happening in my life because it started out so great.

In the beginning, we were not both sick, you know. Alcoholism is a sneaky, sneaky, rotten disease and it never gets better. It always gets worse unless you seek help and I know that today, But I didn't know anything about it then. And, I had told him all my big secrets, you know, because he was so easy to talk to. And I didn't learn till I came to Al Anon not to tell him everything because it never sounded right when it came back a month later, you know, when he was drinking.

And, it just didn't work very well. I wanted 4 children. I wanted 8 children. He didn't want any and I have 4. I had 2 little girls 15 months apart and, 4 years went by and I had 2 little boys 15 months apart.

I was told after my first one that, I would never have children again and I never thought I had a control issue. But anyway, I had 3 more. 2 of my children were crippled children, poster kids in California, and I got very sick behind that. Because first of all, I had married out of my faith, and I was pregnant when I got married, and I thought god was punishing me. Today, I know that's not true, but then I didn't.

I thought that I had, committed this big sin. And, worse than that, the priest told me, was that I had married a Southern Baptist. That's worse than getting pregnant for a Catholic in the old days. But I had these 4 children and I just kept getting sicker. Now in the beginning I did not drink and my husband taught me to drink and since I was pregnant I never went out to drink with him.

And then my brother, my oldest brother, sat me down. He said, you know, Carol, there's a lot of women out there that will drink with him if you won't because he always asked me to go with him on Friday night. And so I started going out with my husband and he taught me to drink and I drank at him against him, tried to get drunk first so he'd see what he looked like and it did not work for me. Now I know today as I stand here that I am not an alcoholic, and I know that because years ago, one of my first place was in to talk was in Scottsbluff, Nebraska, and Peggy m was there, and I was at the meeting and I heard her say, you know, the more I drank, the bigger my tits grew. I thought, wow.

Now you can tell today that I am not voluptuous. Inside, I am, but that's okay. But I know today from hearing her that drinking did not do for me what it did for them. You know? If you're short, it makes you tall.

If you're tall, it makes you short. If you're blind, you be a brunette. You know, you're the life of the party if you're a wallflower. You know, it does a magic for the alcoholic that it does not do And if you're in a drinking marriage, it becomes more important for you to watch what they're drinking than it is for you to drink. Eventually, that's the way it becomes.

There was physical abuse in our home. My husband, I'm a battered wife. I do not go to battered wives anonymous. I know through my inventory that my mouth got me in a lot of trouble. I have a killer mouth.

I know that sarcasm is to rip the flesh and I got very good at that in my marriage. You see, I didn't know. I went to bed every single night in my home thinking that when I woke up it was not going to be the same thing, that what was happening in my life was not happening, that I was just living a nightmare, and, that's not true. My children suffered more from living with their mother than they did from their dad because he wasn't home that much. He was a periodic in the beginning and I didn't understand that.

It was always my fault. He would come home. We would have these what they call today meaningful conversations. I don't even use the word meaningful anymore. And I would always apologize for whatever he said I did to cause him to do that.

Now if that makes sense to you, you are in the right place. And it was a crazy way to live. My children were abused by their dad and I know today that a lot of that was done in blackout drinking, and, I learned that in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. And, I'm grateful. I thought blackout men passed out.

It does not mean that. And I did a lot of things wrong in that marriage. I tried everything. I tried, marriage counseling. He drove me to the to the priest, and he waited in the parking lot while I went in for my counseling since it was my fault.

And, the priest said, you know, Carol, it takes 2. How many times have you asked him coming home, how many drinks you had? 2. You know? I have a friend that said if they say 6, they're not alcoholics.

They're just not. It's always 2. You know? I tried being a better cook and a better baker. I baked all the bread and desserts in our house twice a week for 22 and a half years till everybody in my family had a weight problem of me.

And, and I have full time career the whole time we were married. Now I never knew that I probably could have stayed home and and and things would have been alright. I don't know that they would have been, but I've worked all my life since I was 14 years old. So I had a full time career. I belong to every organization there was, business and professional professional women, the the church, the alter, gale, the parents club, all this stuff.

My children were all sent to parochial school, and my husband eventually married me in the Catholic church. I had our marriage blessed in the Catholic church because he knew with my conscience I would never divorce him, and he was right for many, many years. And, I thought tough love meant standing up to him. It does not mean that, and I just got tired of trying to cover up. And my husband would say in the morning, what happened to you?

And I'd say, what do you mean what happened to me? You know what happened to me. And he said, you are just really sick, you know. And I thought, well, maybe I dreamed it. Maybe, you know, it looked like I got hit by a truck.

I just couldn't figure out what was going on because it was always my fault, and I accepted that. And, I got sicker and sicker and sicker. I tried to take my life twice in my marriage. I'm not happy to say that. However, it is no big deal.

It's an ordinary thing that happens in marriages in drunkenness, and that's as as easy as I can say it. I just it wasn't I didn't even know there was suicide attempts till I came in down on and had my first Thanksgiving meeting, was on suicide. And, we kill our we try to kill ourselves in various ways. We eat, we don't eat, we smoke, we don't smoke, we drink, we try all this stuff. Doesn't work, but, you know, if you don't believe that there's a god in your life, my god, you know, we're all here.

We're all here. And, because we're not all there is why. And, it's, no ordinary person, you know, people call them earth people. I call them ordinary people or PWPs, which is people without a program. And they don't have anywhere to go.

They don't have anywhere to go. You know, in our meetings, we can come in and say, you know, I tried to kill them and they go or, you know, I wanna kill myself. You run on to I wanna get a divorce. You know, you can't on Sunday, so forget it. But, anyway, nothing is serious.

I mean, we come in here and all my life, I lied about the things. Today, I can laugh about the things I lied about all my life. I lied in confession. How would he know? My husband say, he's not married.

How would he know what's going on? You know? But I was crazy. I absolutely was crazy. Now my husband was also a womanizer.

He had a lot of lower companions. I learned to call him that in alcoholics anonymous meetings. And, I never looked for my husband but twice. Once, they saw his car and I stole his car so he wouldn't kill himself on the way home. And, because I had stopped going with him.

I went out every Friday night with my husband for 22 years to keep the romance in our marriage. It doesn't work because if you drink the if you drink too much, they just you get drunk, they take you home and dump you and go back about their business. And that's how we were living to keep the romance there and it didn't work. You know we played all those games, in the big bed, out of the big bed, on the couch, back in the big bed, another baby. And, but it was getting steadily worse.

Now the second time when I took that car home, the next day being Sunday I was at church because by then I was a bead clicking candle burning Catholic, I can tell you. Saint Jude was my favorite saint. He still is today. But, anyway, I came out of church and, my car was gone and it wasn't worth stealing, so I couldn't imagine anyone taking it. And, we had moved so many times.

You know, I moved more with my husband in the 26.5 years we were married, then I moved with my father in 18 years in the Army and he wasn't in the Army. So but I knew nothing about geographic. I didn't know anything about those things. He just said, you know, there was a better job down the road. And if there's one thing I know about alcoholics is that they are the best at whatever they do.

If they're a ditch digger, they're the best ditch digger in the world when they're there. And I've met sure met a lot of them and when you think of of who they are, you wonder how sometimes we fly on those planes and, you know, go to these places with pilots who really have no business being a pilot. But anyway, doctors, lawyers, and Indian chiefs, they're all here. But anyway, I, the second time I knew how to find him. See, I know how to hurt myself.

I don't need anybody's help. All I have to do is, think about where he is. And I knew how to call the motels and say, are mister and missus so and so there? And they'd say, no, but they have reservations. They have reservations.

So that would just make me feel better, you know, lower than whale poop as some people put it. I mean, it was just, I felt less a woman. I never liked being a woman when I got here. My sponsor had a lot of work to do in that area when I got here. But, anyway, I knew how to find him, and I was one day out of St.

Jude's Hospital with a 100 stitches and one leg, and they had to let me go because I wouldn't heal. And I know today why I wouldn't heal. It was impossible to heal in that condition. And, I started calling, and I called a motel where we had lived as a family when we first moved to Southern California. And he made his first mistake of the day.

Because I told him, it doesn't matter if you run around as long as you don't do it in the town that kids and I live in and go to school and work in. And that's the biggest lie ever told because it does do a number. I don't care who you are. Man or woman, it does a number on you. And, he made his first mistake.

He answered the phone at this motel, and I gave him an hour to be home because I was into money, property, and prestige, and I wanted the money to pay the rent because I knew his firm was paying a large bonus that that week. And, I gave him an hour to be home. Now I had lost all credibility with him with what I said I would do. I never threatened divorce, but I never did that. And so I I gave him 55 minutes, and I conned my 17 year old son at the time and the neighbors who were visiting, to take me to that motel with a promise that I wouldn't go in.

Biggest lie I ever told. I got there and I knocked on the room, door and he answered and that was his second mistake of the day. And I I got in the room, and I don't know how I got in the room, and it's not important to me today. But his little companion ran into the bathroom, and locked the door, and I don't know why she was afraid of me. I made a hole I made a hole about this big in the bathroom door with her overnight case.

Of course, they weren't doing anything wrong, and they were not properly attired for 2:30 in the afternoon and I threw her a wig out in the middle of Whittier Boulevard and he didn't know she was wearing a wig. Now who's sick? And I, stole her purse and I turned it into the police in in that town because I knew that her husband was a cop in another town. And, then I went back and had a drink with them because I wanted the money. And, and you know, that's degrading that's not to degrade the alcoholic, believe me.

It's it's my sickness because I wanted that money, you know. When I was doing that, I used to say we were moving, but this is podium pentothal up here and you tell the truth. We were being evicted from our house and I wanted that money. And, but I as I said, I went back and, I got the money and, and I left. And I'd like to tell you I ran down on.

I had been to 2 a a meetings in my lifetime, that short period of time. My sister-in-law, my sober sister-in-law from Dallas was visiting while and my husband was picked up for drunk driving, and, I wouldn't get him out of jail. Now it wasn't that I didn't have the money, and it wasn't that, that I knew better. He had he had embarrassed me in front of his mother and sister, and I was not gonna be a party to it. I was a snob.

It's exactly what I was. But his sister got him out. I don't know what she told her sponsor, but, anyway, I remember taking she said, would you be embarrassed to take me to an a meeting? And I said, no. If you find out, excuse me, where it was, I'll take you.

And and I took her to my 1st AA meeting in Whittier, California, and Serenity Sam was the speaker, and he made me laugh like I hadn't laughed in years years. And, I'm so grateful for having that. And once my husband said he was going to a and a to save our marriage, and, I told my boss I was working for a large Lutheran church at the time. I'm the only Catholic ever certified by the Lutheran church to be a parish secretary. They've since changed the application, but, I told him about him going to Alcoholics Anonymous because he knew a little bit about my life and, I trusted him with it.

And, he said, Carol, don't ask to go to a meeting with him. Wait until he invites you. And so, I did. He eventually asked me to go to a speaker meeting, and and so I did. And a lovely lady at the door as I was leaving patted me on hand said, you know, you ought to come to Eremont.

And I said, I'm a kid, I work. And that was the end of it. But by this time, we were just, it was just a crazy house. Our daughters were married by that time and out of the house, and I had 2 teenage sons. And, we moved from that home, and I moved into an apartment.

I had gotten enough, courage to keep the money separate, and I rented an apartment and he was gone. Now he never said, Carol, I'm gonna be gone about 14 days, but I don't want you to eat, sleep, or have any fun, but go to work every day and lie cheat and steal from me. But I did that on my own accord. I am not a victim of an alcoholic marriage. I'm a volunteer.

Never. I don't have victimitis. I don't want victimitis. I take full responsibility for my part in that, and that's through the steps of this program. But, anyway, the day I moved, he came home, wouldn't you know?

And then one more time we had that conversation. It was going to be better now that those damn kids were gone, you know, and that didn't sound as good to me as it did in the beginning. And we were out, he'd always wanted a pool, we moved to I had moved to an apartment, small apartment, 2 bedroom apartment with pool in our front yard and we had we were sitting on the patio and he said, let me make you drink, and I said, no, I'll never drink with you again as long as I live. I don't remember what happened that night. I have not found it necessary to go to a therapist to find out.

Frankly, I really don't care because I can't go back and relive it. I can't even go back to yesterday and make that plane be on time. So, I don't try. But I I woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning. I was covered in blood and black and blue from head to foot and had very few teeth, no glasses, and I had lost the hearing in my one ear from lack of knowledge and my mouth.

I never ever knew what I was dealing with. And I ran away from home, I grabbed my purse, my my non my non alcoholic purse covered with, I mean, with crap in it, no money, but lots of bills and stuff, important stuff. And I ran away from home and I ran to my boss's house and I called Alcoholics Anonymous because that's what I remembered. I called and the magic of the program began for me because that man kept me on the phone and, and said, Carol, give me your number. He said, I have a lady who needs to talk to you and if you just stay there for 10 minutes, I'll have someone call you.

And the magic began because it seems to me today, even 27 I'll be 27 on August 15th if I make it. And I hung up that phone and it it rang immediately to me. And I picked up that phone and a lovely soft southern voice from Texas talked to me, and she kept me on the phone for a long time. And that began for me a necklace of diamonds that only god and I can see. By that, I mean, she got the address where I was and she came over and she spent the entire day with me.

And then she took me that night to my first meeting on August 15th in the harbor, California of 1974. And nobody at that meeting said, oh, you poor thing. I I was apologizing for having on my sunglasses, and, this lady said, why don't you just start by being grateful? You can see. I thought she was Kathy.

But you see, they didn't feel sorry for me, and and I'm grateful for that. They gave me tough love. During the break, a little teeny tiny lady came up and shared how she stopped the physical violence in her home, and I listened to it. And, I got a sponsor that night because I heard about sponsorship. My sponsor is somebody that I wanna be just like when I grow up, and that is still my only criteria for a sponsor.

I I don't care how she behaves in a meeting because she taught me nobody behaves in a meeting like they do at home. I know that's not true of you guys, but nobody does. So she said, you look you look at the marriages in the program that you want. You look at the people and how they behave with one another when they're outside the program, And, that's my criteria today. But anyway, I got a sponsor that night, and it was the lady that made the 12 step call on me.

We don't get many 12 step calls anymore in Algon because they all come through hospital programs or therapists or someone else. But they pay to get sent there, That's how sick they are. They don't know it's free, but anyway, just a little pain and you know, I didn't come here because I was out shopping at dealers and wanted to come in and see what you had on sale. I came because of the 4 letter word pain. And I stayed today for the 4 letter word love because it's given me everything.

She told me how she stopped the physical violence and I went home and waited. And, when old timers tell you something, just wait your time because it'll come to you in God's time. And listen to them because they have a lot of wise things. And she said, I just waited till he was sobering up and then I looked him in the eye and said, remember, you have to sleep sometime. And and I waited my turn and, of course, I have a smart mouth.

So when my turn came, you know, he felt really bad and he was on the couch and I said, remember, you'll never touch me again because remember you have to sleep sometime. And I'll tell you as I stand here today, it still does my heart good. He became a nervous sleeper. He would he would start to nod off and he'd look to see where I was. Of course, I did have an aluminum blue ball bat in my hand when I said it, and that helped.

But, I tell you, I learned everything. I went home and I practiced. My sponsor gave me 3 assignments. She didn't ever has never. My sponsor today named Charlotte has never told me what to do.

She has shared her love of the program and her marriage with me, and that's the way I learned. She gave me assignments, And she said, first thing I want you to do is go home and keep up doing all those things, those 4 letter words that we like to release. And, that's like wash, iron, cook, bake, glove, kiss, all those things. I said, you've got to be kidding. She said, no.

Carol, I want you to practice at home your service. You continue doing those things. And I would go home whistle. And believe me, I whistle better than I sing. And he would say to me, you're not happy.

And I'd say, yes. I am. Because I had learned by pretending it becomes so. And you pretend to do the things you wanna do until they no longer have to be pretended, and that's simple. And my second assignment was to go home and tell my children that I loved them out loud.

I didn't think my parents loved me. I hadn't heard it very much that I even remember, you see. And I know today through inventory, I wanted all the love my father had for all of us for me, because I always felt less then. I had a little sister, by that that time and I didn't like her when she was born, and I don't like her much today, but I love her in a very special way. She needs this program desperately, but she doesn't choose to come, and I know that I'm too close to her.

It's gonna be you guys that help her. But anyway, I I just loved it. I went home and I would say to my boys, remember, no matter what, I love you. And they'd say, oh, god. You know, what's going on with mom?

Because I always heard the same thing at home, you know, keep your hands in your pocket and you fly zip and you won't get in trouble. That's my mother always told my brothers and she was telling the wrong person probably. But anyway, it worked because they don't know. It took me 6 years calling my father every Sunday during Wide Wide World of Sports, and I would say, I love you dad. He'd say, you're a good kid.

Plunk. 6 years, and I said, I love you dad. And he said, I love you too. And from that day forward, I heard it all the time. And that begins at home because the kids don't know.