The "Light A Candle" meeting of Overeaters Anonymous in Brentwood, CA

Name is Roy. I'm a compulsive overeater. Hi, Roy. Hi. Oreaders Anonymous is a fellowship of individuals who, through shared experience, strength, and hope, are recovering from compulsive overeating.

We welcome everyone who wants to stop eating compulsively. There are no dues or fees for members. We are self supporting for our own contributions. Neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations, OA is not affiliated with any public or private organization, political movement, ideology, or religious doctrines. We take no position on outside issues.

Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive overeating and to carry the message of recovery to those who still suffer. I will now ask for volunteer to read How It Works as adapted from a big book. Anybody would like to read How It Works? Hi. I'm Debbie.

I'm a sugar addict. How it works. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly fell followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. They are such unfortunate.

They are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these, we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. Remember that we deal with food, cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help, it is too much for us, but there is one who has all power. That one is god. May you find him now.

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care with complete abandon. Here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery. One, we admitted we were powerless over food, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. 4, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5, admitted to god, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6, we're entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character.

7, humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. 8, made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9, may direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. 10, continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 11, thought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

12, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Many of us exclaimed, what an order. I can't go through with it. Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles.

We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. Principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description of the compulsive overeater, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear 3 pertinent ideas, a, that we were compulsive of our eaters and could not manage our own lives, b, that probably no human power could have relieved our obsession, See, that god could and would if he were sought.

I'd now like to, are there are there any newcomers in their first 30 days of recovery who would care to stand and tell your first name only? This is not to embarrass you, but just so we can welcome you. Any newcomers or relapsing folks? I got you. Welcome.

Anybody else? I'm coming back. Eric? Hi, Eric. Welcome.

Any other newcomers or people coming back? I came with Richard. He came with Richard? Yeah. Would you did you like Ron.

Hi, Ron. Welcome. Okay. Now I'll call, Kate, to give chips. I'm Kate.

I'm a kamaltober eater on a bulimic. Hi, Kate. And, we give chips at this meeting for newcomers, 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 6 months, 9 months. We give candles for, a full year. So, if you are gonna take a trip, please come up and say your name and disease in the microphone.

We can get it on tape. And, is there anyone who would like to take a welcome chip? Under 30 days? Okay. A 30 day chip?

My name is Eric. Hi, Eric. I'm a compulsory reader in. 30 days. Oh.

Not a good step. Okay. I'm Sarah. Hi, Sarah. Watch that.

Okay. 60 days. I am Paulina, anorexic compulsive overeater. 90 days. Hi.

I'm Debbie. I'm a compulsive overeater and a sugar addict. I'm ready. Anyone for 6 months? Hi.

I'm Suzanne. I'm comfortable. What are you doing? Thanks. Okay.

Is there anyone for 9 months? Any birthdays that I didn't know about? Okay. Thanks for letting me be of service. Okay.

Thanks, Jay. 7th tradition. It is now time for 7th tradition. While, we have no dues or fees, we do have expenses for this meeting, and each group ought to be fully self supporting to its own contributions. Our treasurer, May, will be passing the baskets.

Would someone like to read the 12 traditions while May passes the basket? Michael? Hi. I'm Michael. I'm a compulsive overeater.

Hi, Michael. The 12 traditions. 1, our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends upon o a unity. 2, for our group purpose, there is but one ultimate authority, a loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience.

Our leaders are the trusted servants. They do not govern. 3, the only requirement for OA membership is a desire to stop compulsive eating. 4, each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or OA as a whole. 5, each group has but one primary purpose: to carry its message to the compulsive overeater who still suffers 6, an OA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the OA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7, every OA group ought to be fully self supporting, declining outside contributions. 8, Overeaters Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9. OA, as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10, Oreaders Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues.

Hence, the OA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 11, our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. 12, anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. Thanks, Michael.

Okay. Time for our speaker. Our main speaker tonight gets to share experience, strength, and hope on what it was like, what happened, what it's like now. We can, if you want, we can give you a sign at 10 after, and you can take 10 minutes of questions if quarter after, if you feel like or you can keep going. I'll just give you a 10 after sign.

So without further ado, I'll introduce our speaker tonight, Vivian. Hi. I'm Vivian. I'm a compulsive eater. Hi, Vivian.

First, I wanna thank Roy for asking me to speak, and I wanna welcome Gabby, who I've known for a long time. And all that Chip and birthday people, it's like, what a great meeting. What a good energy here. Oh my god. And Leslie too.

This is fabulous. And I used to go to a I well, to qualify for it, I've been absent for 19 years from, sugar. Somebody I think it was Debbie qualified as a sugar addict. Right? Me too.

Me too. And I haven't I haven't had sugar in all that time because when I came in here, it was I mean, it's a physical, emotional, and spiritual disease that they really stressed on the physical addiction then, which I'm very grateful for because I had a terrible physical addiction that, I had to address the way they talked about it in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, like it's an allergy. I have an allergy to certain foods. And my sponsor knew before I did that they were sweets. I I didn't I didn't cotton on to that at first because the the thought of giving up anything up sugar, anything sweet, it was just so impossible and frightening that I couldn't even imagine doing that.

Like, I tried to do it for 24 hours, and I couldn't do it. I'm one of the I'm one of the lucky people, I think, who I wasn't able to fool myself that I wasn't a compulsive eater because I couldn't even go 24 hours and do and eat the way I wanted to. It was there were just millions of seconds in the day. They say 24 hours like it's one day, like you do it in one leap, and it's not. It's like there's second after second after second, which takes so long when you're dying to eat.

And so there was no doubt in my mind, I had taken step 1 when I got here. I mean, what it was like, what happened then, what it's like now. I mean, what it was like was I had been since I was little, I was obsessed with being thin, and I had an eating disorder from a very young age. I remember being put on a diet when I was younger. I'm I had, my mother had been overweight when she was younger, and then she got thin at age 16.

And she was a very beautiful woman. She became a model after that for a little while, and she she never had a weight problem again. But feeling like I was her daughter, it's like, you know, oh, and I used to eat like she she ate. And they were like, oh, you know, you have a problem too. And and I look at pictures of myself now.

I'm a problem too. And and I look at pictures of myself now or I have when I was younger, and I didn't even look that much. Like, I I thought I would look like obese, and I didn't. I couldn't even really tell that I was overweight. But I guess I was always they used to refer to it as pleasantly plump then.

I was always pleasantly plump and I was always I loved sweets. I used to eat and I would go into oblivion when I ate. I mean, I would eat, like, pickles and potato chips and dream. Like, I could go into, completely get out of wherever, whatever reality was going on at that minute. And that's I can always do that with food.

Can I still do that with food? Probably. But, I mean, to the extent that I used to do it was just amazing. Like, I never I didn't know what I was feeling or, like, I I wanted to avoid bad feelings, basically. Like, if I'm hurt, I don't wanna feel that I'm hurt.

I want I would rather go to lunch and not even know you know? And when I start crying later, I'm like, what am I crying about? I can't even connect the 2, before I get abstinence because because, just instinctively, I reached for, like, something to make it feel better and that food just always worked. And food is you don't have to be 18 or growing up to get food. I mean, you don't have to wait till you're a teenager like you do with drugs and alcohol.

You can just if that's your thing, you can just go for it from a very young age. So so I did. And I I went through periods where I was I I had a terrible body image too. I had no idea what I looked like. Like, I I had periods where I was very thin, and I still thought I was fat.

If I thought that if I looked in the mirror and I was never anorexically thin like like I was never like Calista Flockhart thin, but I was, like, thin like people like, about the same size I am now and still thought that I was overweight. I would look in I remember can remember looking in the mirror at Ann Taylor putting this outfit on and thinking, gee, I look pretty good. And then, you know, not allowed to look good. Recompute. So I when I look in the mirror again, oh, yeah.

My butt's sticking out too much. And, you know, oh, I see a little stomach. There. There's the truth. The truth is always something negative about how I look.

Like, if I thought I looked good, that was a lie. There was something wrong with that. And and today one of the gifts of the program today too is I I like my body. I think I look good, and that's a separate gift. I know a lot of people.

I've sponsored a lot of beautiful women who don't think they look good and and think they're fat or think they're you know, they're something. And I'm happy today that part of the gifts of not only do I not compulsively overeat, not only have I had, god has relieved that compulsion to eat to eat sugar and to go into oblivion because I couldn't face reality that, you know, part of it is feeling I feel comfortable with the way I look. Hooray. Hooray. Hooray.

Anyway, because it helps, you know, it's just it helps with confidence. You know, it's just a big pain in the butt, really, feeling like, you know, don't look good all the time. And it's because you wake up with you every day and have to look at the mirror. So it's one of these little things that just mean a lot that I got from OA. So I I would eat and I would diet, and I would eat and I would diet.

And I was I was able to really diet before. I had I had a tremendous amount of willpower, which went out the window as my disease progressed. And I wasn't able to diet anymore. I mean, I I was able at one point to eat, like, you know, 3 times a day, yogurt and, and buttermilk, like a cup of yogurt a cup and a half of yogurt and buttermilk 3 times a day with, I think it had wheat germ in it. And, you know, that was that was the diet.

And it worked fast, I'll tell you. But it also just like it says in our book, tell you. But it also just like it says in our book, you you end up you know, with your pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, you end up just, you know, 10 step backwards. Every 5 steps you go forward. So because it's something you can't keep up as as a lifetime practice, you know, eating abnormally, whether it's too much or too little.

So, you know, I'll skip forward to when I I got to program because, I think you believe now that I belong here. A lot of people see me eat today and don't would never believe I have a pro I have a problem, but I I think I've said enough that you would believe me. I'll just say one more thing. I used to keep a diary of what I ate every day. It would have 3 paragraphs on it, breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I mean, it was like I was just all consumed with food and all this stuff. So anyway, I got to California, Los Angeles, and I met a guy on a bus who, who was very cute. And he introduced me to program, basically. He asked me what time it was. One would not think this is a defining moment in one's life, however it turned out to be.

And so I turned to him and I said, you know, it's lucky I I'm so happy I had a watch. Like, oh, it's, because he was very cute. It's, whatever it was, 3:30. And he said, you know, thank you, and then turned around. I was like, wow.

Like, my heart's beating. Like, I I had absolutely no way to relate to men even when I got here. I was like, so happy that we had this successful interaction. Like, hooray. And and, later on, I had there was a person that I worked with, and I'm another person who I didn't know what to do when I got it in the work world.

Like, I know how to do school, but I have no I had no idea what to do in the work world. I was just, like, a lot I hear so many people are dying to leave school. I was you had to take me kicking and screaming from school because I felt completely lost. Like, I don't know what to do in a job. I don't know how to do that.

I know how to open books and sit in the front of the room, and that's about it. And so I didn't wanna do that. So I I was in this job where I was really, I was going nowhere. I I graduated from college. I got to this job where it was a cable TV concern, and they were always having complaints from people because the service never worked.

And I was in charge of, like, fielding complaints and making sure the phone lines were were in order, basically. I didn't even know what they hired me for, but that's what I ended up doing. And so I was calling the phone company all the time, you know, every day. But I gave myself this grandiose title, like, communications analyst or something. I couldn't even admit what I was because my ego was so big.

But but, my my abilities were so little. And so I had met a person there who was in OA and she was her name is Barbara Z. She was a she was a 100 pounder. She was actually she had lost many 100 of pounds. And she was older than I was and we got along really, really well.

She was extremely funny. Do you remember her? Where is she? I haven't seen her in the longest time. Anyway, we'll talk about that later.

But, she was so she was a very funny woman. She, she took this program really seriously, and she I would say she was still at least 2.50, but she had still lost 100 of pounds. And her her husband had been an actor, and she had been in a Robert Altman movie. And she was just she was just a very funny and very smart and very we go along great, which which is unusual for me because I usually I was so immature. I never got along with anyone who was older than me.

It was either you were my age or you were younger. And she was, definitely older, but we got along really well. So she said to me, why don't you you wanna go out and just do something outside of work? And I go, sure. And she said, well, she wanted to see a play and then go to an AA dance, an Alcoholics Anonymous dance.

And I just thought, what a bizarre idea. I had I think I had heard of AA from the television because I did not know anyone who who was in AA, but I knew that it was, you know, it was for people who had an alcohol problem and then it worked. And I just imagined a bare light bulb with, old men in raincoats shuffling about, you know, in the dark back and forth. And I and the one thing about my with my eating disease, I used to look in the mirror, and if there's somewhere that I that I wanted to go to, if I didn't think I looked good enough, I wouldn't go. But I thought, who the hell cares who sees me in this AA dance?

I'm like, oh. So I was all ready to go. And, you know, why not? And I thought, I like doing bizarre things. This is certainly strange.

Let's do it. So so I went to this dance and guess who was there? The guy on the bus That out of all the 11,000,000 people in Los Angeles, that same guy that I'd seen that morning on the bus was at this dance. And so I went up to him, and he was, like, dancing. I went up to him, and I was like, you know, were you on the bus today?

And he's like, oh, yeah. Hi. How are you? So he starts dancing and we're dancing together. I'm thinking, god, this is the cutest guy.

And he starts talking about how he had just left his job because of drinking and all this stuff, and I was so embarrassed for him. I couldn't believe he was telling me all this stuff. And he asked me out on an AA date. He goes, would you like to go to an AA meeting tomorrow night? I thought, another bizarre activity.

Like, why not? So I said, yeah. If you meet me there because I was afraid he would ditch me and I'd be at this place where I didn't know where the hell I was. If you meet me there and call me beforehand, I'll go. So I went to this AA meeting.

And through that I mean, Barbara was Barbara never didn't never thought that I had a problem with food because she couldn't imagine that people who weren't very overweight could have a problem with food. But, later she was later, I was sitting at a long table of dinner. I think it was, I think we're actually at a at the Pacific Group, New Year's Eve party. And she was like, what happened to that, like, cupcake that was sitting here? I was like, I ate it.

Like, I couldn't stand it. It was sitting there for so long. It was just this is the way I was with food. It's like, I have to, you know, like, either eliminate it or get it out of my sight. And if it's I I need to eat it or else if it's sitting there, I have to have it because it just preys on my mind.

So I went to so I went to the Zay dance, and then and then he we ended up dating for a while, and he poked me in the in the hips one day, and he goes, you need to go to o a. You're you're like overweight. And, of course, I'm, like, totally I've already told you how I deal with bad feelings. Like, you know, I eat something, so I didn't even feel hurt at this. I just was like, okay.

Where do I go? You know, there's something there's something for me that'll work for my for my weight, you know, and because it was, something that happened that was an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous, I knew it would work because I knew AA worked. So I knew this would work. So I went to my first meeting and I was I remember sharing about it was about how I used to go through grocery stores just eating my way through and just figure lunch, you know, I'd save some money. And people were like, yes.

Yeah. We we understand. We were late. And I and people were sharing things that I knew I was home. Like, I've never heard people share about food in this way, and they seem to have a solution.

And I was really excited. I was really excited because I didn't wanna be fat. I mean, I knew I I had taken step 1, like, a long time ago. I knew I was powerless over food. I didn't know when the next time was gonna be that I'd be able to control it and diet.

I really didn't. And then they and then they had a strange way of going about it. They said, they you have to act as if there's a god and pray that there and pray to god. And I just thought I was at this point, I was an agnostic, someone who I have nothing for or against god, but he hadn't proved to me he was there yet, so I didn't really wanna talk about it. But they said, just do this, and I thought, how hypocritical.

You know, I'm gonna pray to this god, and I didn't even believe there that there is a god. And they go, you know what? That doesn't matter. This is how the program works, and you don't have to believe it. You just have to take these actions.

And if you like, you can believe that the group around you has more power than you do yourself. Now that was easy for me to believe because all these people around here were they also wanted me to do well. It was a very supportive group. Like, away meetings are, people want you to do well. So, so I held on to that, and Barbara Z was my I got her to be my first sponsor, and she it was even hard for me to ask her to be my sponsor.

And she is such a nice person. I mean, you can't even imagine somebody so friendly and, you know, unintimidating. And it was I was terrified asking her to sponsor me. I was terrified asking anyone to do anything. And I realized I was just man, I was just so full of fear.

I had really forgotten who I was and who and I didn't wanna tell you who I was because I I was of the opinion that if I have problems, I should be able to solve them. And if you have problems, I don't wanna hear about them because I'm solving my problems, damn it. And so I don't wanna, you know, I don't wanna hear anything from you either. So I was walking around being very false about things. And I remember seeing the 12 steps and and looking at the big book and it it just seemed like such a highfalutin' way to live.

I was just so impressed. I mean, made a searching in fearless moral inventory, and I I felt really ashamed at the way I was living. I was like, here I was going through alleyways when I could, hiding behind, you know, so no one could see how fat I was. I mean, I was so obsessed with how I looked. I would go through alleyways so I wouldn't have to go through, like, main streets where people would see me.

And here, you know, asking god to remove your shortcomings, making a list of amends, making actual amends to people. I mean, this was just so high level, and I was really impressed. And and I thought this makes sense. I bet you a lot of the things I am a lot of the times I'm eating is because I'm eating over things that I'm ashamed of or or, you know, things that I did that I feel bad about. And it made sense to me that this program would work.

Also, I had never tried anything like it before. If it had been, like, the next COSMO diet, I knew that wouldn't work because I've done so many diets. It had to be something I had never heard of or thought of before. So I jumped into this, with, all the fervor of somebody who wants to get an a in class because that is just my personality. And they said, stick with the winners, so I did.

And the winners for anyone who, is new or people who come to meetings regularly, who make sense when they share. And even as a newcomer, you can tell this. And I noticed that people who who had a lot of time seem to make the most sense. And I thought, you know, this is good. And get commitments.

They told me to get commitments, and I got commitments right away. I got in with people who they're like, I remember somebody raising my hand to share, like, you know, because I didn't think anything that I had to say was worth listening to. I mean, if I can't amuse you, why should I even be up here? And my and I got in with the crowd, and they were just, like, you know, get up and share. And they raised my hand.

I got up there. I go, did I do alright? You did good, kid. I was like, great. Like, I just did whatever everybody told me to do, and I became secretary of the newcomers meeting even at a month.

And I even I start somebody asked me to sponsor them, and I started sponsoring them. Did I know what I was doing? No. I did not know what I was doing, but I was willing to do it, which is all that matters here. If you're willing to take the action, it doesn't matter how lame you think you are, you will still get well is my experience.

So so I think the first thing that cleared up was my work situation. I I told her I was in this job where I was just calling up the phone company all day. Lines are broken. Trunk this is gone. You know?

Like, this you know? And I would get there. It didn't even matter what time I got there. It was just such a I have found that the worst worker I am, the worst jobs I get. And the better job worker I become, the better jobs I get.

And I think there is a direct correlation. So when I when I first got here, they told me, show up on time and smile. Now this is still to this day, this is the best work advice I've ever got in my life. And this is 20 years ago, almost, I I I got this advice. And it's still if you if anybody's having problem in the work area, show up on time and smile because it it sure as heck worked for me.

I got first of all, I never would get anywhere on time. I always would get there late. I have a thing about I hate getting places on time. It makes me I'm afraid maybe you won't be there. I don't like getting there on time, but they made me get there on time.

So I got there a little early or wherever, and I smiled the whole way. And that that 1st year, I got a a bonus for being, like, one of the best employees. They gave me, like, a they didn't even give these out. They gave out spot bonuses for you being a great employee. And it was, like, equal to, like, one tenth of my like, 10% of my salary, which at that time was, like, you know, $12,000 a year.

It was nothing, but still it's, wow, $1,000. I I just couldn't believe it. And I've gotten better and better jobs since then just just by that, by being of service, by also, when I get here, I thought my ego was so big, I thought, I am so much smarter than all of you, but please don't give me anything more difficult than Xeroxing because I don't think I can do it. It was basically how I approached work. And and then xeroxing suddenly like, I realized the correct answer to xeroxing is I'd love to.

And going going off and doing it and doing the absolute best job possible in as quick a time as possible and then handing it in. And with that kind of attitude, people keep giving you better jobs to do. So and today hey. It's funny I'm here. I lost, I lost my job last Friday, the the Friday before, which is which is a shame, but it's, you know, partly the economy.

That was a damn great job. I mean, I worked at home. I worked at home, and I had and I got paid a nice hourly rate, and I had, clients on this really great account. And, I mean, it was it was an enviable job. I was, you know, lucky to have it.

So just and now now I'm putting out my resume, and I think I'm gonna decorate my house if I don't find anything soon. It just keeps keeps getting better and better in that area. The next thing I think was parents. Like, when I got here, I had a very antagonistic relationship with my mother especially. With my dad, really not because my dad is so and my dad and I have never locked horns.

My dad is a very low key guy. He's, he never gets in anyone's business. He's just a nice guy, but my mother and I, we seem to have a lot of the same character defects in. So we were always sort of fighting each other. Like, I would get on the phone and in our family, nobody yells, nobody screams, nobody fights.

However, we get to the I mean, we couldn't stand each other, and we get to the point where we'd just be just a second away from, like, from saying screaming, and then we'd hang up. It was just a bad relationship. So my sponsor suggested to me, why don't you call up your parents and just say hello to them, you know, instead of asking them for money all the time? This had never occurred to me before. I mean, I had such a bad attitude as a, daughter.

I thought, you know, if you if you had me, then, you know, hey, you asked for it. And, you know, I need money. I'm not not earning enough. I need to pay rent. And I was just really bad that way.

And I just it didn't it had never occurred to me to just call them and say hi, also because I didn't know what else to say to them. And my sponsor said, oh because we didn't have a close relationship. They're not they're not touchy feely type of parents either. I mean, they're nice people, but they're not like, oh, tell us your you know, they're not like pal parents. They're like parent parents.

And so my sponsor said, you don't have to say a lot. You know, just write down a few things that are noncontroversial and which is a key, and, just tell them a few things about your life, and then you can hang up. So I did that. I called up. I said hello.

I didn't ask for anything. And I did this for a long, long time, and and slowly things started to get better. And and at one point, even to to make it funny, I mean, you know, how a lot of times you give something away and you get it back. At one point, I when I when I first got out of school, I really did not realize how little money I was making. I just I I did not have a concept, though.

I thought when you got out, you'd get a job and you'd be able to pay your bill. When when you get out of school, you for me, anyway, I got out of school and I got a job and not making much money, and I didn't know that I couldn't pay my bills. So I got, you know, I got into credit card debt before I realized I don't have any money. And then I cut back, and at one point and I wasn't asking my parents for money anymore. And at one point, they my mom called me and said, we decided to pay off 1 because I wanted them to cosign a a thing to consolidate your credit cards onto 1 bill instead of, you know, 20% interest a year.

And And she goes, well, we've decided to pay one of your credit cards off. I mean and that was great. I mean and I didn't ask for it. I'm sure if I would've asked for that, I never ever would've gotten it because she was pissed at me with good reason. And today, we have a we have a very good relationship.

We don't have, like, the palsy wowsy. Like, we tell each other every little dark secret, but we we I laugh a lot with her. We we get along very well, and I I actually choose to spend Christmas with my parents. I go and I spend, like, 10 days with them, which which I I don't have to do, and but I want to. I have a good time with them now.

And they really are fun parents. They like to go do things. And that relationship turned completely around just from calling up and saying hi. You know, really tiny little things turn stuff around, but you have to wait it out. You have to wait out, like, showing up in time and smiling.

You can't do it once. You have to do it consistently for a long time, and then things start to turn around. And then I think the last thing is relationships. I was as I said, I sort of gave you a clue about how bad I was at relationships when I asking someone or telling someone the time was, like, a big success story for me. Like, wow.

We did that and got got away with it. Hooray. When when I came here, I I was first of all, I was terrified of men. And I I remember I would when I first got in here, I would flirt with you until you asked me out, and then I figured, well, that's enough. You know, like, that to me, that was a notch on my bedpost.

So, like, that's enough. Next. Because I just couldn't even deal with the whole thing. I just had just very bad, just a lot of fear. And so I went through and and before when I got in here too, I I had a lot of I usually don't mention this, but I will since it's coming into my mind.

But I was in I'm I'm in AA too and when I would drink, I mean, I would just I had a lot of, like, 1 night stands and I would just I I always thought I was in love. I mean, I I mean, I am so such a delusional romantic. I just really had no idea what was going on. And and so I had to go through that stage again of, like, like, you know, we weren't in love, like, I don't get it. And it always felt like a train wreck.

It felt like I like I was hit by a train, like, where was the beginning, middle, and end of this? Like, I used to, like, take a calendar and you, like, cross off, like, oh, made another day. Hooray. You know, if we made, like, 30 days, it was, like, huge. I just did not know how to do this thing.

And I really wanted to know how, but didn't know how. And then one day, somebody told me I don't know how it came up. Somebody told me to go to Al Anon. And that really, really did the did it for me. I realized there were a lot of even though there's not much alcoholism in our family I mean, I found out my great grandfather's an alcoholic and I have a cousin who's a really bad drug addict, but pretty much everybody else doesn't drink, doesn't nothing.

I mean, you know, no eating issues, nothing. Just pretty very normal family. But the behavior, a lot of that behavior that goes along with that, has still been passed down into our family. And so I did not know that a lot of a lot of things I was doing in relationships were, I was making the wrong compromises. Like, I did not know that, for instance, I didn't know that you don't have to say your opinion all the time to be, you can just be quiet and not cause a fight.

I thought I was lying if I wasn't like, I'm not being truthful if I don't tell you exactly how I feel all the time. They told me, no. You don't have to do that. You you're you're not lying. You can just, like, keep your peace.

I was just like, wow. That was, like, huge. And I didn't know to I did not know how to make healthy compromises in myself. I did not know that how to, keep the things that I like to do and be the things that I like to be and not always just do whatever you wanted to do. I really did not know how to do that.

I mean and yet I wouldn't do things like like if you wanted me to, like, cook your dinner, that was 5 minutes? Okay. Well, okay. If you wanted me to and then I had, like, things that I wouldn't compromise on that were really silly in in retrospect. Like, I would not like, if you want me to cook dinner for you, forget it.

Like, I would not the the thought of it just made me enraged. Like, what? I'm equal to you? Forget it. I'm not serving you.

And today, I realized that was and also, it really mattered to me whether you stayed with me or not, even if I didn't like you. It really mattered to me. And Alan really and, you know, I just have to mention it because it was it was a combination of OA, of like all my programs, and finally going out and on. But it really changed for me. Like, when I met my husband, I really I, like, I didn't care anymore.

It's like, you know what? You don't like me? I don't care. Like, I am not so bowled over by you that, you know, I'll do anything to keep you here. I'm just not that impressed.

And it and I just was sort of myself, and the the funny thing, it was sort of like a boomerang. It's like if you throw it out and you're yourself, a lot of times it comes back anyway. You know, I thought, you know, if you if you don't but I re I realized too, even if you if you will compromise yourself to the point where so they people stay, they leave anyway. So what's the point? So, so I just but it had to be an interchange in me and that that's what happened.

It was like an interchange where I just I really surrendered. I just and surrender feels like, I don't care. Like, I just don't care. And that that made a big difference. And today, I am happily married, which is I hadn't had I've been married for 5 years now.