The 25th British Columbia Regional Convention in Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada

My name is Dave. I'm an addict. Might as well get into this. Sometimes when I get asked to do this, I think about a couple of things. 1, I think about anytime I listen to a speaker and think about what I like to hear.

And, you know, there's things about addiction that I needed to learn, needed to know, to understand, to accept, And there's things I really needed to know about recovery. And, every once in a while, I've listened to people share, and, man, they can really tell you a little bit about addiction, and they can, you know, help you understand and see, you know, what that's all about. But when it comes to recovery, I mean, I I don't wanna tell you a big horrible story, and I I don't really, you know, want to do that but I will tell you some stuff that that helps it make sense and, but what I do like talking about is is recovery and, you know, after you've been clean a little while, it's a responsibility to, you know, to keep it going. And, I remember when I was new, I'd I'd sit and listen and I'd hear somebody and I would feel and I would believe that I could stay clean. And when I was brand new clean, I went for a little road trip down to California because I I wanted to meet some of the people whose stories were in that book.

And there's this story in the book called I found the only NA meeting in the world, and there's this guy. And I thought I gotta meet that guy. And if I could meet that guy, then maybe this might be real, you know, because I was hoping it wasn't like a comic book or something, right, or just a bunch of stories somebody, you know, put together. And I went to this, meeting in Venice Beach, California called Saturday night live, and we walked in and there was it's about oh, maybe about twice the size of this, and there was a couple guys there. And and, we introduced ourselves.

We're from Canada. That's like being from fucking Mars, you know, like because they all have some pretty weird ideas about Canada, you know. One is they think we talk real fast because they talk real slow. And, another thing I'm gonna try to do I'll get that out of the way. I'm gonna try not to swear I swear a lot.

And, sometimes I swear so much I don't even know what I'm talking about, but I swear a lot. And I think every once in a while, there might be some people listening to me share rather than swear, and, they might not get something out of what I'm saying. So I'm gonna try tone it down just a bit. I'm not perfect, but I'll do the best I can. And so we go down there and Buddy says to me, I'm 6 months clean.

And up here at 6 months clean, you're an old timer. You know? Like, you got some time. There's few people around, but 6 months was a big deal, man. 30 days is a big deal.

6 months is huge. I swear to God, in the old days around here, if you took 30 days, your family would come for the key fob because they'd be so blown away like wow, So, 6 months was a big deal and me and Lou drove down to California, went to Saturday Night Live and go figure Bob b walks in the room. It's like the pope arrived. He had about 20 I don't know, 23, 24 years clean at the time. And, you know, as they asked me if I'd chair the meeting.

And, you know, I was used to the meetings we had, about 6 people sitting around in a circle. And, you know, some meetings you could share twice. You'd sound pretty good second time out. You know? Like, all the things you wish you would have said, you get to say on that second time out of the gate.

And so every once in a while, I just say whatever and but, you know, it was intimate. Right? And so we go down to this meeting, and if you ever get a chance, Saturday night live, it's still in Venice Beach, still in the same place. And, so he asked me to chair the meeting. I'm like, I know how to chair a meeting.

No prob. I didn't notice the stage and the mic and all that. And there's only about 10 people there, so I thought this would be easy. And about 20 minutes later, there's 450 people there. And I'm up there with my 6 months clean.

And I got this I got this down. You know? And it was it was it was like a moment of clarity for me that even as big as it was, people were talking recovery, sharing, reaching out, helping each other, all the the mechanism, the motion in recovery that gets going. People were hugging and talking and laughing and it was like black people, white people. There's a little bit of everything.

And, you know, a guy got up on stage. He was took an 8 year cake that night, and he was sharing about how that, you know, if he got a buzz at a bang in his head on the wall, he'd have been standing there with a big flat spot. And, like, I mean, I could relate when a guy talked like that. I'm like, yeah. Partially because I thought, hey.

I didn't bang my head on the wall. It seemed like an option. And, the other part was, you know, I just I liked the way he was talking. He was like just dead serious about being clean, talking about recovery, putting some energy into it, not just, you know, like I was really scared that it would be I'm not loaded and that's it, you know, like Barb was saying. That's why I like the theme of this thing, you know, living it and loving it.

Because I was scared. That'd be it. You know? What are you doing 2, 3 years later? Hanging on, man.

Hanging on. See people you know in the program on the street? Hanging on. That'd be it. You know, it just I don't know.

It was it was I wanted to see something different. We went to a dance in Hollywood. Like, we had our dances, some of these guys will remember, at the Orange Hall in Vancouver. It was kinda dangerous place to have a dance because there was poles in the middle of the room, and I was stoned at that first dance. I I mean, I asked Lou, okay.

If I get stoned, can I still come? And she's like, okay. You can go. So I got stoned and went to the NA dance. I think it'd have been a little better if I wasn't, but I went anyway.

And, you know, what it was I it was that attraction, that thing about, you know, people practice some some recovery. It got my attention. So, you know, I'm used to these dances. You got I mean, anybody getting clean now spoiled. You're just spoiled, you know, because the meetings are big, and there's lots of women, and there's big dances.

And so I go to this dance, and there's about 45 guys and 6 women. And there's a couple we're not sure about, but we're all there. I mean, even the gay women were kinda feeling bummed about it, you know, because there wasn't enough to go around. And you know what? It's it's kinda weird.

You'd think you'd think that's really not what I was looking for because I I was thinking, you know, it'd be like the bars and the clubs and all that, and it wasn't all that. But but it was fun, and it got my attention. And and I think mainly it was about people just caring. And so we're down 6 months clean going to this dance in Hollywood after I meet Bob. There's Bob.

Shake my hand. Good to see you. He takes us home. Hey. Come stay at my house.

And we go to this little meeting in Culver City. You know, it's his home group, and he brings his. I mean, it it impressed me, you know. And he bought me my first basic text. You know, basic text came out in 1983, and he, you know, handed us one of those books and took us to the World Service Office.

And, you know they're real proud of what was going on. They were where we are now about size of the fellowship and they were they were proud of the world service and they're proud of that book and they and they put a ton of work into it. And, you know, Bob gave me that book and, you know, took me to some meetings and took me home and, you know, like what NA was about. And we went to a dance in Hollywood. There's probably about, I don't know, maybe a 1000 people there.

I thought they were all black too. Like, Culver City's all black people. I went walking around. He's he's telling me, you can't do that, man. You can't people will kill you here.

You know, you're not invincible anymore. And I had this moment of clarity because I really thought I was and and, they had that. They had that energy. They had that going on and, the program was growing. It was just, you know, they had a a world director.

It was about that thick, like literally thousands of meetings and our meetings were in there. I still have that directory. I went down in 1983 and bought it and because I thought if I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna I'm gonna go all the way with it. And, you know, so when I came back home, I had a, you know, I had a new appreciation for the meetings I was going to, and I had a new appreciation for the people around me and, you know, what they had done to build this, to to make this and keep the door open and keep recovery going. And, you know, we were still having our academy award presentations for key fobs and, if somebody took a cake, oh my god.

I mean, they I think they dug dead people up for those ones, you know, because nobody could believe that an attic could stay clean, you know. Yeah. Like, God inspiring. So and coming from where I come from, I just tell you one of the there's a couple of things I believe about addiction is, 1, I I had this thing about that was me as part of my addiction. I always wanted to be someone else somewhere else doing something else.

And I just never fit where I was standing. And, you know, cleaner loaded, it just didn't work for me. And, by the time I come to this program, I honestly believe there wasn't a human being on this planet gave a shit if I took another breath. That's how far I went. And, you know, being in an NA meeting and I remember the first time somebody, you know, sitting in a meeting and somebody said, hey.

This is new guy. He's a bit of a meathead, whatever. And I got a 30 day key fob for him. And this woman stands up, gives me a hug, and gives me a 30 day chip. I didn't even know, you know, but it's a big deal.

And I it was like human contact. Somebody cared, you know, and and it and it was NA. It wasn't her, and it wasn't me. It was this. It's what we do.

And and I still think it's that important for anybody coming around to to, you know, stick around enough days in a row that you start feeling human again. And there's 2 sides to that. It works 2 ways. Here's the other side of it. Is anybody that's been clean a little while, what you gotta do is watch out.

You don't separate yourself with your clean time. You know, you get 10, 15, 20 years. I mean, you got a day clean just like everybody else. And and it's one of the things I've practiced for a long time. I've I've kept make making friends.

I've kept bringing people into my life because I didn't wanna end up alone, you know, and I and I keep doing this. I go to meetings. You know, I still sponsor. I still participate in this program, and, you know, I still got a home group and I, you know, I show up. I I just did a road trip down to California, and they have this event.

And I think it's almost time we did one up here. It's called days of the dinosaurs. And what they do is they call up all the old folks in NA and sort of dust them off and and and get them to come show up at a speaker thing. And and and in the beginning, because there's a whole bunch of them, they just weren't around like they used to be. And, you know, what they thought is then all these new people would know who they are.

And then when they went to a meeting, they would ask them to share and they would feel a part of because some of them were drifting away. And so they invited us down 10 years ago because at 10 years clean, you're kind of a dinosaur up here. And we went down and spoke and, you know, they get, I don't know, a couple dozen speakers and and and it goes on all day long and there's just and and it goes on all day long and there's just huge rooms full of people and literally hundreds and hundreds of newcomers. And, you know, it's another one of those things that's been pretty inspiring. And sure, I go down 10 years later and there's Bob at the meeting again.

And now it's 10 more years later, it's 20 years later and I go down on this little road trip recently and, the this Bob sponsors the oldest living NA member right now, and he took a 42 year cake at that meeting, 42 years in NA. And and Bob was there, and and all the old dogs were there. And, you know, they sit up in front and hench, nod, and smile, and wave. And, you know, and and, you know, they they it ain't like it ain't like the pope arrived. You know?

It's it's it's it's it's inspiring in the sense that they're still, like, buying new guys' books and talking recovery, and they're there all day. They're not just popping in like visiting dignitaries. They're there. And that inspires me because they're, you know, up in the 40 plus years clean now. And we were kind of the junior speakers down there at 20 years.

You know, I'm the new guy. And, I listen to them speak and I get inspired and I wanna talk about recovery. I wanna tell people that, you know what, some of the best things I like saying is is that I don't suffer, I don't live in misery, I'm not struggling. I'm not having a hard time to stay clean. This is the easy way.

If you're looking for it, you just found it, and and that suits me fine. I've always believed I wanted to enjoy this, you know, to like, how do you work the steps? You know? Like, every once in a while, I hear people get up and they talk about steps and they'll talk about the book and they'll read the book and they'll do that. And that's that's all cool.

That's part of it. But how do you get those principles going? And how do you change your life? And when I talk to a new guy, I tell him big stuff like this, be nice. Because if you say spiritual principles to a new guy, they're like, get fucked.

Spiritual prince I wouldn't know a spiritual principle from a Goodyear tire, you know, like. But when somebody said to me, if you wanna make it around this program because this is a fellowship, this is a this is this will be like your family. You gotta get along. And it was a big thing, and and I was being told, if you can get along, you'll be able to stick around here, and you'll be able to get well, and you'll be able to change. And so the spiritual principle of being nice.

K? And I'm gonna go out into the world with this brand new brilliant idea and just go be nice to everybody. Right? Guess what happens? Hey.

Sometimes that don't work so good. But I tell you what, it took a lot of practice. It took practice being nice. It took practice showing up. It took practice, and that's all I had on my hands was a whole bunch of time to do it.

In the book, it talks about practicing the principles in all your affairs. I don't work a program just when I'm here. I work a program when I'm at work. I work a program when I'm travelling, and I do a lot of it. When I was brand new clean, I told some of my friends I was gonna get on my bike and go down to LA and do these road trips, and they're like, you'll get loaded.

And I'm like, fuck, man. I'll get loaded if I sit here and do what you're doing because that ain't me. You know? I'm gonna practice principles, stay clean, you know, do recovery, go to meetings. You know?

I do a trip like this last one's, you know, 8,000 miles of booting around, and the two most high points of that trip were sitting in Riverside in California going to meetings. And, about a week later after we rode through all the deserts, we cut across the deserts back to the coast. We went to Sacramento, and we went to a bunch of meetings in Sacramento and, met a bunch of people, and they're, like, doing recovery. I mean, at the end of the month, they have cake night. They we went to a meeting.

It started at 7, ended at 11:30, and they weren't leaving. You know? And it was like old school NA. You know? You take a key fob, 4 people get up and present it to you.

Your mom's there. You know? Stuff like that. You know? And we're just sort of, wow.

This is pretty cool. You know? And some of them are gonna come up here and do some meetings with us, and you I I wouldn't travel without that part, you know? One time one of my was down in Austin, Texas phoned me up, said, you know, can you give me a cake? It's about 12 year or whatever.

I said, okay. And we drive down. And I said, I'm going to make this into a road trip, take a month off work, more suffer. And see. There's the suffering part.

Another month off work traveling around. I don't know how much I can take, but I'll I'll stick to it, keep you up. And, so we get to Austin, Texas after driving down to Cabo San Lucas and all over the Baja and all over LA, and and we go to Texas, and we go to this little home group, and here's these Americans, and, they're, you know, they're having a barbecue. And, I give my sponsee a cake, and they almost fight over who's gonna take you home. And they and they wanna talk recovery, and they wanna know how you're doing it.

They wanna know where you're from, and they wanna, you know, they wanna come see you. And, you know, they wanna know how you do it. And, you know, the more traveling they did, the more I realized how big this program is. It's just not my hometown where I do NA. It's huge.

It's going on. And and if you take the time as you move along and start to have some adventures like that, it gets interesting. I talk to new guys all the time. They're about, you know, you're 6 months, you're clean, Got a few bucks. Oh, I'm gonna take a holiday.

I go, where are you going? And they go, oh, I'm gonna go to, Thailand. I go, I said, maybe for your first couple vacations, you might consider take a recovery vacation. Go where you can go to a lot of meetings, go where you can have a lot of support, go where you can be around some people. And I've I've heard a few people at first after I've made that brilliant suggestion sort of like, oh, you just fucked up my vacation.

Because they had ideas going on. You know? And sure. Okay. They take the suggestion.

They come back, and they're talking about these great meetings and these wicked people and this message of recovery and, you know, the same thing. What's going on? What's going on with recovery? And in spite of a lot of things I've done, and I've been clean. This is 21 years now.

That's one thing I did right. I just did not get loaded no matter what happened. Good day or a bad day, up or down, I ain't getting loaded. I have absolutely and if you can do this, you can get 21 years, and that's all I can speak for, is if you can do this, I have convinced myself that if I don't get loaded, whatever's going on is gonna be okay. And I tell you right from my best day, because I've seen more people get loaded succeeding than failing, to my worst day, I'm standing in the hospital and my daughter's OD'd damn near dead.

I ain't getting loaded. I ain't gonna do that. You know? And in my addiction, you know what? I was a dedicated, motivated addict.

I would do anything. And in the course of being in these rooms, I heard about things I never thought of. It's a good thing I didn't think of them because I would've done it. You know? Like, I know.

Compulsive, obsessive, and out of control, that never ending stream of thoughts about self destruction and using. And I like the I like the literature. I I got it running around in my head. It makes sense to me. Little things like, what would your sponsor tell you to do?

Or what would your friends tell you to do? Or, you know, like in the just for today, I'll have faith in somebody who believes in me, me, and wants to help me in my recovery rather than all the crap I got going on in my head. Because I don't know about you. I'm a little lacking in the conscience department. I think I might have barbecued that part of my head, so I have to be careful.

And so I got this great idea. I won't do it, and I tell everybody I meet this idea. I won't do anything I can't talk about. I got an even better idea. I won't do anything I can't talk about in this meeting, see, almost swore, right now.

You know how safe that keeps me? Even if it is my ego, I don't know. But I just wanna get up here and say, hey, I'm an asshole. You should see what I'm up to. I don't wanna do that.

So I got this external conscience going on. I've been in a relationship for 21 years. You know how I stay in a relationship with my old lady? I don't do anything I can't tell her. It's as as simple as that.

If I can't tell her because she's got better conscience, common sense than me, I ain't gonna do it. K? So brilliant idea like that, a brilliant idea like I just don't get loaded. It's gonna be okay. If I got problems, I tell people.

I get these principles going in my life, these principles of recovery. You know what? The biggest principle I ever figured out is, and I wanna tell you, and I want you to fucking listen to this, go to meetings. The number one reason anybody I've ever known in all these years ain't they got loaded. Here's the here's the reason.

He didn't go to meetings. It's the same all the time. So you know what I do? I'm not stupid, man. I go to meetings.

I go to meetings till I like them. If I don't like them, I'll change them. I mean, I'm a I'm a I I just get in there and muck with it. Let's get it get it interesting. Let's get some energy into it.

You know? Let's get get my doing it. Big things go on in this program. There's little clues. Like to I like to tell new people clues, go to lots of meetings.

And I like to tell people who got a lot of clean time some real big clues, like go to a lot of meetings, you know, and get involved and get to know all the new people. I heard a guy a while ago got some years clean saying, I'm sick of listening to newcomers. And and when my translator hears that, all I'm hearing is a guy saying, I'm gonna get loaded. And that because that's where it goes. You know?

It's either the I think the big ones are gambling, prostitutes, and painkillers for guys. I don't know for women if it's prostitutes, maybe, but I don't know. But I know for guys, it's a big one. Painkillers is another one because we're getting old. Me and Barb were sitting up here.

I mean, hey. I I was saying it in a nice way. We're getting old, and I'm liking it. I like I like this better than being a kid. I wasn't too good at that.

I'm pretty good at this, but my feet hurt. Hey? Like, what the hell is that? I mean, would I wear them out or something? Sure shit.

When we were new, we walked to a lot of meetings. So we're like the old guys at the meeting now. I I in my hometown, I don't know, some of you guys come over to New West, go to a meeting. I know we got a bad reputation. We make a lot of noise.

Good. We make a lot of noise. But, I feel like a senior citizen in those meetings now. You know, got these youngsters 20 years old, 5 years clean. Got it going on, you know, know the literature, can't tell them nothing, you know.

So we're gonna start a new meeting in my area. If you're in New West, check this one out. It'll it will have her going in about a month. It's a specialty meeting. 40 and over.

Just so I can relate to somebody once in a while. You know? Because things change after you're 40. You know? Hey.

God love the youngsters and enjoy the whole ride. But, man, when you get to 40, it's a little bit different. You still enjoy it, but you gotta be more careful because it hurts. I had this crash on a motorcycle a while ago. And when I was youngster, I did a lot of racing.

You know, I'd have a crash. No big deal. Get up, dust off, go again. Now I hit the ground. It hurts.

I never remembered the ground being that hard or wouldn't have done it in the 1st place. You know? So now I gotta be more careful because and why I said that is because the thing about painkillers, I don't bust myself up, end up in a position where my recovery is compromised. I broke my back. I had 17 fractures, and I didn't I didn't take no painkillers.

I remember a doctor come in the room, and he says to me, I said, hurt? I'm like, I swear to god, it hurt a lot. And, he says, it hurts a lot. Oh, yeah. He says, pray.

And he starts walking away. I'm like, oh my god. He's gonna walk away. He turns around. I'm like, oh, okay.

Now he's gonna say, here comes the morphine. He says, pray hard. So I did. I made a decision. I'm gonna get through it, you know, like I just I just don't want to go back into it for for anything.

And so you know I just believe I can do it. I believe I can stay clean, you know. I believe in Narcotics Anonymous. I mean I love doing this. Somebody asked me before I got up if I get nervous.

I don't get nervous, you know, I don't get nervous at all. I love talking about recovery. I love talking about what's going on and you know, when I was a little spud about that tall, I didn't want to be a dope fiend and a criminal, and I wanted to be a professional hockey player, You know? And and I wasn't a stupid kid, and I wasn't the smartest kid. I was just what I was.

And, you know, getting loaded changed me into I don't know, in the course of my life, one day, I looked in the mirror and I wouldn't mean no more. And, I remember those Hallmark days of my addiction. I just wanna tell you this story for a reason. At a moment of clarity like this, when my daughter was 2 years old, I come out of a blackout and I'm on the floor again, and she's got a cold cloth on my head. And she's saying the words, daddy's sick again.

I mean, it's just like I never been hit so hard in my life. And and for a while, I thought those really heavy moments were my addiction. I thought that's what it was. I thought that's what addiction was. Right?

And it wasn't. You know what it was? It was every day. It was everything I was missing. It was every feeling, every moment.

I got to the point I felt I felt so guilty I didn't even love my own kids. I couldn't feel love. It was it was dying in me, and, my life was falling apart. One day, I'm sitting in a park, and at first, here's how the day goes. You'll love this one.

I watch somebody drive by in what used to be my truck, have a drink, get loaded. About 20 minutes later, somebody goes by on what used to be my bike. I'm in the park. I wasn't what I was looking for in life. And about a half hour later, Buddy walks down the street with my wife and kids.

I felt like a loser, loser, fucking loser. What else in the world could get you to that? Whatever you love, whatever you care about, whatever means anything to you is just gonna get ground into the dirt or taken away. I moved 800 miles away. It's how I ended up here.

I just left. I couldn't take it. I'm gonna finish myself, You know? And, the other day, I was telling I was telling a friend this this little story. Last summer, I was cross country racing with a friend of mine, and his kids are, you know, youngsters, and they're racing.

And I went and turned in my tag, and I didn't go in that race. And I told him, I wanna follow your kid through this race. Make sure he's okay like we're friends. And he's like, oh, cool. I appreciate that.

And so I follow his little kid through this whole race, and it was just, like, so cool for him. And I'm feeling good. I'm thinking this is, like, the best. Hey. This is so good.

And then we get to the end, and I loop off to the side while he finishes the course, and I stand there and watch his dad watch him go over the finish line. I mean, it's worth $1,000,000. About 6 years ago, his dad told me he's gonna kill himself. He's gonna shoot himself in the head. And rather than do that, he reached out and talked to his friends.

And one of the things he was saying to himself in his mind was his kids would be better off without him. He's such a fuck up. And and to have that moment only a few years later, to watch him do that is everything. You know? That's recovery.

That's what you get when you do this, you know, those kind of moments that really mean something. I was riding with a friend of mine today, and about, I don't know, 6, 8 months ago, we're sitting in a restaurant talking. And I asked him a couple of questions. When was the last time you were happy? And when was the last time you were in love?

And when was the last time you were having fun? And he told me. And today, I watched him do all of that. I watched him having fun. I watched him, you know, enjoy what he's doing.

I watched him be in love. Right? Just like that. I could see it. You know?

And and there's the payoff, and it's really quick. And I mean, I tell you, it's 6, 8 months ago, I was a man that wanted to die. That's what addiction can do to you. That's what it did to me. You know, that's what we have in common.

It's it doesn't matter what drugs we do, but it takes us to the same place. It gets us there. And, I mean, I've met youngsters. They're 17 years old. They're smoking enough dope, you know, make themselves damn near retarded, and they get so depressed they want to end it.

You know, that's the same as the guy who's, you know, 45 years old and, you know, just can't put it together anymore. And you end up there. And what happens for us? We're lucky enough to end up here. You know, end up coming together and practicing some recovery.

And when we practice recovery and we come together and we got this energy, this energy about recovery, the sickest twisted fucker can get well around here. You get inspired. You get motivated. You get you get feeling like you wanna be bigger than yourself. You're part of something bigger than what you used to be, something worth doing.

And that's what got my attention 21 years ago when I watched those guys practice in recovery. Like, I mean, not just talking shit, doing it, like showing up, like dragging new guys to meetings, like, you know, being there for each other. And there's people in this room, and Barb's one of them. I'd be dead and gone if she wasn't sitting there. I would not have made it.

They saved me. They made time for me. They talked to me. You know, they helped me believe in myself when I just didn't have it anymore. And, I mean it's a debt of gratitude and it's the same debt because I talked to Bob the other day and I said, you know what?

Since I've been clean, I've given out probably 2,000 basic texts. I love giving them away. I love giving that book away. And he's like, Yeah, whatever. I I was being all big, and he knew it.

And then I knew it. And I'm like, yeah. Whatever. It's cool. Because it's a debt of gratitude.

It's each each each each moment is its own. It doesn't add up. You don't stockpile recovery so you can go do stupid shit. You don't stockpile good feelings and happiness. Oh, gee.

I took care of my teeth all year. I think I'll snap one off with a pair of pliers. I mean, you know, I gotta be careful what goes in there. Right? You know, I tell the guys I work with, man, if I say the word cheeseburger out loud, I'm fucking going to get one.

I can't stop myself. So I I can't be talking shit, talking about addiction, or playing that out because I just didn't I won't be around. So, you know, I talk about recovery. You know? I bring that in.

I remember going camping with my friends, and we're out at the fire by the river, and we're pretty new. And they're talking a little shit, remember when, how fucking cool we were. And, I whip out the book. And they're like, oh, fuck. He whipped out the book.

And I tell them, you know what? If we don't do this, I'm gonna get loaded. I'm going to get the beer. I know me. And so they're like, okay, they accommodate me.

And about a half hour later, we're laughing our asses off having a meeting, talking about recovery. And one of my friends says, man, I'm glad you did that because I was I was feeling like using. You know, that's as simple as it is. Are you gonna bring recovery to it? And it doesn't take somebody with 20 years to bring recovery to it.

Somebody who's brand new can bring recovery to it. Somebody who's got 30 days can go, hey, man. I got 30 days. I got this desperation. I got this desire.

And I got I tell you what. That desire and that desperation inspires me. It makes me wanna be here. It makes me wanna show up because I'm not desperate. I don't struggle, but I don't forget.

I know what it's like. I remember go I'm going to score, and it's like, I feel like I'm demon fucking possess like, you know, stop. You know, the voice is, you know, turn. Don't go. Get out of the car.

Stop yourself. You know what's gonna go bad? I'd do it anyway. I just can't stop. You know?

Anybody around you I mean, people think, what are you, retarded? Why do you gotta be like that? Why do you gotta do that? I've been hearing that since I was that big. I don't get to hear that around here.

Around here, it's a little bit different because you know what? I got my external conscience. I don't do shit I can't talk about. I tell people all the time, if you're doing shit you can't talk about, just take a little bit of a moment right now and fucking stop. It's about that tough.

Once you've done that, you can turn it all around. It's when we pick up, when we get loaded, you just can't turn it around anymore. You know? Another thing I noticed recently is people coming back, and they'll be sitting in these rooms. And I could tell, you know, there's a lot of people in here.

You're all connected. You know each other, feel a part of. Sometimes there's somebody in here they don't feel that, especially if they had clean time before. They don't feel a part of. They'll they'll sit in a room so unplugged, they won't even know why they wanna be here.

They because at that moment, all they are is what they used to be. That's a tough spot to be in. And if you and if there's anything you can do or say to help somebody who's coming back feel comfortable in this room, you might just save their life. You know? And after they're feeling a part of again, then they can work out whatever they screwed up or whatever they did, but they got to feel a part of first, you know.

And and that in our literature, it talks about we can you can come and go free. This ain't no, you know, this ain't no jail. This ain't forced upon anybody. This is just an offer. And, lately I've been telling a few people I know that got loaded.

There's a little secret to it and here's what it is. If you're coming back, you need new people in your life. Maybe some of your friends might need to leave you alone for a little while, you know. Maybe they need to steer you toward their their sponsees. And so we've seen it with a few of our friends who were over 10 years clean who got loaded and and a few of them are telling me that 9 months later, they feel better than they did in 9 years, that it feels so good.

They feel a part of again. They feel their higher power again. They feel the unity. They feel what's going on here. And it's just a different kind of addiction.

And some of them, as they get a little more time, are gonna be up here sharing, and that's the message they're gonna be giving you. And you really need to hear it, you know, that, it gets bad. It gets bad out there, you know. When I sit up here and talk, there's a few people in this room I know. I just feel gratitude, you know.

Probably, I don't know, 10 years or so ago, me and Cal got in a floatplane. I got a pilot's license. And we flew into Bidwell Harbour, landed on the ocean, flew up onto the beach and sat there and did a step 1, 2, 3 and talked about recovery. And you know, you have these moments with people. I never forget that.

That's recovery. You know, and at that point, Cal was the new guy and I was the guy with a little bit of clean time and I wasn't like blowing air out my ass, I was talking recovery. I was I was like really passionate about staying clean you you know. I mean, I know that I was talking to Val tonight, there's a difference between passion and obsession. Tell you what, if I can have anything I want, I can do anything I want But a lot of times, I'll feel obsession.

Like, if I wanna buy something or do something, if I feel obsession, I won't do it because it wrecks it. Obsession ruins everything in my life. I've been alive long enough to learn it. I don't I'll get it, but I I wanna set it on fire. I won't appreciate it.

You know? So I do it with passion. And the difference between passion and obsession is the madness isn't there. I won't compromise. I don't have to cheat, steal, and lie to pull off what I'm gonna do.

I can do it straight up. I can be patient. You know? So practicing those principles in my life allows me the opportunity and the freedom to do that. And, you know, I kinda like living like that.

It's a good it's a good deal, you know? And and after you've been clean a little while around here, whether you like it or not, you're an example of recovery. You're an example of recovery in a lot of ways. And what I've noticed is we've had a few conventions and meetings lately where a lot of people that got a lot of clean time show up. You know what?

It brings a lot of energy to that room. And sometimes we're not even sharing, we're just there and it brings stability to the meetings. That's why the people with time gotta be around because newcomers are crazy. I know that, I was. You know?

Like, just card carrying 1 inch from nuts. Right? If you told most people what was going on in your mind, it might lock you up. You ever feel like that? I can't, you know.

So I would just be careful and talk a little program till I learned the language. About maybe 15 years ago, they started seriously talking about NA language and the clarity statement and why we have to have, you know, clear language to create unity and bring us together. And if you think about in the first tradition, it talks about my personal recovery depends on NA unity. And I've learned I've learned in time that, you know, the steps will help me keep keep me clean, but the traditions will keep me here. And if I don't understand what that unity is all about between gossip and bullshit and drama and opinions and attitudes and everything else, I won't be able to sit in this room.