The Sacramento Monthly Speaker's Meeting in Sacramento, CA

Yeah. My name is Chris Raymer. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Hi, Chris. It's good to see you.

I, can y'all hear me alright? No. That's alright. It's good to be in California. This is my first trip to California and I, yeah.

I haven't seen, I haven't seen Pamela Anderson yet. But, I I've seen some close seconds. That's for a fact. Aren't there any ugly women in California? Probably not.

Probably not. I am delighted to be here. I want to to thank Donna and Lily. They were so organized doing this. I mean they called me ages ago and I got to book this and and I'm delighted to have gotten a chance to come to come share with you guys.

You cats celebrating yearly birthdays. How cool is that to watch? Gotten a chance to talk to some of you cats and, a lot of y'all are are on the page. I wanna go to this group. I I I wanna I bet y'all are hated in California.

I I I big book thumpers as a as a rule or or kind of looked down on as strange bugs, you know? And, that's the way it is. I, my my buddy, Mark and Lori, picked me up this afternoon and just kinda showed me around town a little bit. And I I wanna thank them for for being such great buds. It's Cool.

I'm gonna be talking to my wife about this tonight. Tell her all the cool things I saw and I'll be sure to tell her I didn't see Pamela Anderson because she's worried about that and Someday I'm gonna meet the woman. I have no idea what I'm gonna do other than drool or have that. Tell you what I am gonna do tonight. First thing I'm I'm gonna tell her.

We were in Eton. Had a nice dinner down there at the little restaurant. Marie Callender is down here before we came over here to the to the to the place. And I can't wait to tell her unisex bathrooms. Now, buddy, I'm gonna tell you, I come from the country, you know, and I'm not I walk into the bathroom.

I'm looking for the little guy with the pants on. I need to go bad. It's just like and they got one with a girl on it and one with a guy. I was like, where do I go? What do I do?

You know? Mark was in there and said, just go on in buddy. You need a tour guide to come to California. I don't know. Y'all think I'm joking.

It just freaks me out. I mean, I like to think of myself as being pretty open minded, but, I, I got sober November 13, 1987. And I, I need to say this. I'm a, a lot of y'all heard CDs of mine and I'm gonna I try today when I speak from the podium to to kind of do this little disclaimer going in so nobody gets offended. And of course it's impossible for me to talk without somebody getting offended.

And I want to offer some of you the opportunity to leave now. And I, I'm pretty passionate about recovery. I, it took me about 7 years to finally get a, a 30 day chip in the fellowship and, it took me 7 years to get sober. In and out, in and out, in and out, in and out. And, and I work for a treatment center.

I do clerical work for a treatment center. And I watch 100 of people come in there, hoping that they paid a big chunk of change to get well, only to watch them walk off campus and not do anything we ask them to do, fall flat on their butt and a lot of them die. And and I'm I'm I just need to tell you that I am the person on page 21. I'm the real alcoholic. And and I don't care where I'm speaking.

I don't care what country I'm speaking in. I don't care what state I'm speaking in. A little group, big group, it doesn't make any difference. There are people in the audience that are not that are not alcoholic. And you will not be able to relate to this talk.

I am as rigid a big book thumper as there is. I believe that the the prefaces that we read before the meeting and the traditions that we read before the meeting means what it says. We have one one primary purpose. That's to carry the message of hope to the newcomer. And the message of hope in Alcoholics Anonymous is the 12 steps.

So if you believe that, the message of Alcoholics Anonymous is coming to a meeting and sharing about your day, you you need to go get you a cup of coffee and go smoke for 45 minutes. Alright. Nobody got up, you know? So don't come up after the meeting. You offended me.

I'm I'm warning you now. I'm telling you. Know, that's the cool thing. See, because you don't have to you don't have to agree with everything I say. I'm not representing Alcoholics Anonymous up here.

I'm here up here to share my story, and my story going to be different than your story. I mean, that's we all come here from different ways of life, different avenues. Some of us took a lot of drugs, some of us didn't take any drugs. Some of us were abused, some of us were not. Some of us are from Texas.

Some of us are not. You know, it's like I understand that even Yankees get sober too. So I mean, I I'm married to 1, so I can say anything I want about Yankees. It's it comes with a territory. But I I just want you all to know because I love every one of you.

And I I'm honored to know you. And and and if the way you do the steps is different the way I do them, I could care less as long as you do. And I just I just I just compelled. We were talking at lunch with dinner tonight with Frank and some of the guys from the from the groups. And and we were sharing about our legacy and and how so many people had gone before us and how a lot of those people are dying off, you know, some of the old timers.

I mean, look at that. You know, we have a lot of new sobriety in this room. We've got a lot of good old sobriety too. And thank you for staying, you know. But after 40 years, you know, they dropped through the cracks.

Not too many people out there left anymore. I I mean, who's going to pick up the, the old gauntlet and run with it, you know? Let me tell you who it is. It's the cat that was up here picking up a year chip. Every single person in this room has a responsibility.

Every single person in this room has a responsibility. I believe that some of us are just going to take it a little more seriously than others. This is what I want to talk about tonight. So I'm going to say this so I can get in there and tell my story. I don't want to keep you long.

And I'm just I got cards and I'd love to give you a card and you can stay in touch with me. And after I get back to Texas, you can email me and tell me how I offended you. And I'll I'll be more I'll be more than glad to make amends wherever I can. But I but I I can't change my story. I can't change my experience.

Get down with that? I was raised, up in Central Texas in Kerrville, Texas and a small little town and it's where where I'm I'm living back there now. And, it's so it's a nice place to be. It's kind of inbred. I don't know.

Y'all are all welcome to come visit. I don't know why you'd wanna leave the Garden of Eden here to come to Texas. You know, it's like this. I mean, we don't have Pamela Anderson. So what the heck?

I don't know. I, I, was in a started drinking in high school and and I got an identical twin brother and and and he's an alcoholic too in recovery and and came from a great home. My father was an alcoholic, was a periodic and which is real frustrating for those of you that have been around periodic. About the time they get your hope up, you know, they drop you on your butt. And it's and and he was a wonderful man.

There was no weirdness in our family. And we were raised in the church and it was just a nice home. And mom was a professional artist and still alive today and and kicking butt. And And it's just, went to Houston to be an apprentice. Brother and sister went to college.

And I went to to University of Hard Knocks in Houston, Texas learning how to be a chef and and did and and was quite successful at that for a lot of years. I'm I'm one of those those cats that that we would call functioning alcoholics. I see a lot of you guys driving these big fancy bikes out here. I would call You're a functioning alcoholic buddy. I'm gonna tell you.

You came into this thing with some money, maybe. And I'd have times where I was making some money and being pretty successful. And then I'd have times when I was eating out of dumpsters in Houston, Texas. And it's like, and I'd I'd move a lot you know trying to get away from, me. And wasn't quite successful at that a lot of times.

I, I, over a period of 20 years drinking and drugging, my disease gradually progressed to search and point, that it got to be intolerable. And I eventually got to a place where I couldn't cook anymore and I was working for my twin brother and I want to talk some about that. But, I had this real problem and I could see it early on. When I would get As early as like 19 years old, I was calling alcohol because I knew I had a problem. I knew because I was drinking more than anybody else and I was the last one in the bar and I mean I was just I was just and the depression was kicking my behind.

The only time that I wasn't depressed and wanting to come apart at the seams, the spirituality that you you so wonderfully mentioned that the book talks a lot about and we don't ever hear in our meetings a lot of places, was eating me alive. And I was seeing counselors and therapists and from an early age by my mid twenties, I was already seeing counselors and therapists. And thank God for them. They helped me through a lot of crises in my life and all of them self imposed as the book says. And, I had a problem with women.

I had a problem with women. I, I, was real simple. You could line it in one line. They were the women that said yes. You know, but the way you didn't you didn't have to have a lot of a lot of qualities.

You just had to be a willing participant. And, and if you made the mistake of going out with me twice, it was hostage taking 101, you know. And I was I was one of the original stalkers, you know. I, don't need to understand. Dark room and what's the answer gonna be.

I understand that. But ultimately, what it is, is this this internal discomfort that I have to treat. You know what I mean? I don't I You know what I mean? I don't I don't I hear people in treatment all the time.

I'm I'm a big fan of treatment. But I mean, I get so sick and tired of listening to this. You know, you're something's gonna trigger you. You know, and it's like, you know, we sit down and talk about it. I mean, you know what?

Come on, guys. What doesn't trigger us? You know, and it's like for an alcoholic to make a list of the things that triggers us, you're gonna be there a long time making a list. Book says we drink and drug for the effect produced by the chemical. You with us?

I I and that's the bottom line. I don't I don't drink to get to get to get shit faced. I don't drink to get loaded. I drink to get right inside. I don't want to get guys, when I get loaded, I'm I knock on a girl's door and I've been drinking all day long, you know.

If I'm loaded, I she answers the door and my patches aren't crooked, you know. And I look like I look like I'm wearing an earmuff, you know. And it I look like I'm wearing an earmuff, you know. And it's I scratch a bit, you know. And it's like, I and and guys, early on when I was drinking, I could hit that target every time.

When I drank, it fixed what was wrong with me. I don't care what was going on in my life. I was cool when I was when I when it was working. And that's that's what was so frustrating because of the progression of the illness, it stops working. And this is what what I want to say is that drunk or sober, alcoholism will kill you.

People don't want to hear that. They want to I hear people in meetings all the time and it's one of my soap boxes when I do workshops. We gotta get to a place in our fellowships where people stop sharing opinions with us, because opinions are what's killing us. Successful day. Dry day, then you have missed the boat.

That's not what this literature talks about. This literature talks about getting connected to a power greater than yourself, which will rocket you into a thing called the 4th dimension. Gonna I'm gonna make light of this, you know. But the truth of the matter is, when I finally got sober in 1987, I mean, my life changed drastically. And I mean, for the 17 years, it has been a wonderful experience.

And I want everybody to experience that. But everybody just don't drink. No matter what, just don't drink. Thank you, Nancy Reagan. I'm eating out of dumpsters in Houston, Texas, you know, and it's like, why why didn't I who knew?

You know what? Why why didn't I think of that? Just don't drink. The book says clearly on page 24, I have lost the power to choose whether I'm gonna do this or not. I have a disease, folks.

I am an absolutely diagnosable illness. The young adults in here that are 17 years old, I can diagnose them with alcoholism and drug rat. I don't care. I can ask you 2 questions and diagnose you with alcoholism and drug addiction. And I don't have to hear one stupid war story.

I'm not going to ask you how many DWIs have you had? Did you ever blackout? I don't have to ask you any of those questions. I don't have to ask you any drama. Two questions.

Book talks about it 3 different places. When you drink, can you control how much you drink every time? Can you guarantee me how much you're going to drink every time? Sometimes. Chris, it's a yes or no question.

My sponsor's good at that. Chris says, Stop with the essay question, Bubba. Yes or no. Because it's and if the truth can't happen sometime, we've been able to do it. They'll have a couple of drinks to be done.

Early on in my when I was drinking, I could do it off towards the end, not so often. See? Couldn't guarantee you how much I was gonna drink. No, I can't. All right?

Next question. Given sufficient reason, you're in trouble. It's affecting your somebody that you love to ask you to stop When you're dry for a few months, can you stay there? Welcome the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. See, but that's what we used to do in the olden days.

We used to qualify the drunk. We don't do that anymore. The when I got to this fellowship in 1987 after a little domestic disturbance, I came back trying to save a marriage. Excuse me. It was early 80s, about 19 up in North Texas.

And I walked in the room, the guy says, you have problem with alcohol? And I said, yeah. He's and And I sat down, stopped shaking for a few minutes, kind of shy, nervous, didn't really want to be there but knew I needed to do something. You with us? You'll get the picture?

And then they went around the room and and shared with me out of so much love all the terrible things they did under the influence of alcohol, none of which I could relate to. You're with me? They started War Story Central. Well, I've had a DWI. I'm sitting there drinking my coffee.

I never had a DWI. Well, I blacked out and had 2 DWIs. Went to the penitentiary. Never did that. I beat my wife.

Got fired from my job. Wound up on skid Never. Not me. Are you with us? Everybody's just outdoing each other.

Last guy that shares, I'm a child molesting mass murderer and I I I'm hoping they could check check check check check check. Thank you. Thank you all. Appreciate it. Glad you're here.

Picked up a desired chip. Walked out, said, boy, I tell you, those people need that meeting. I guarantee you. Nobody asked me the right question. It's grind, some of you.

You think it's your right to come into meetings and share war stories? We were talking about it today at lunch. You know, war stories are a great thing to have And they're a wonderful thing to have, especially if you're doing a thing called a 12 step call. Somebody that's never been around the fellowship and you want to get some identification going. But if a guy comes into the meeting, and he's here, what are we trying to do?

Scare him into recovery? Because there's no chapter. Last time I looked let me see if I could see it in here. End of scare. It's gotta be here someplace.

No. No. There's a great chapter called a vision for you. And that's what we need to be doing in our meetings is pulling the newcomer with a vision of how cool life can be. Everybody that walks in the door knows what it's like to be to be out there and be in a mess.

We think we want to just commiserate. The book says on page 17, it's one element of the cement, but that alone is not going to keep us together. It's our common solution that holds us together. Can anybody give me some hope that I can wake up one of these mornings and not obsess about our cruelty? That's all I wanted to hear.

Didn't hear it for 7 years. My story, my experience, maybe you landed in a big book group like this and heard it the first time. I didn't. I heard an endless litany of war stories. All we have is our story.

All we have is our story. No. We have a thing called a big book. I'm too far from Texas to do this. I need to back out of this.

That's crazy. Yeah. All you big boys that said, you got my back. Where are you now? You know?

I'm not trying to be rough here. I'm just saying it's a cool thing. We watch we watch I tell you where it's the toughest on. It's on the young adults and on the women. Women's stories a lot of times are not as bad as the men.

And they come in here and first thing one of those little hairy like boys wanna do is share how many times they've been in the penitentiary. Lady's at a noon meeting. She just took off lunch. She knows she's having trouble drinking. She wants to hear some hope.

But she's not gonna hear any hope in this meeting. All she's gonna hear is another stupid war story. When are we gonna understand that the book tells us what to do in a meeting? I don't know. I don't know.

Here's what the book says on page 34. It says, it says, if you can stay sober on a non spiritual basis, you're not one of us. If you can stay sober because it got bad on you out there, how nice for you. But if you're the real alcoholic, real drug addict, you're not going to hit the Because you're going to get caught in that mental blank spot and start using again 3 weeks, 4 weeks, 2 days, an hour after you've made a commitment to absolutely stop. Can y'all get down with that?

And the only thing that's going to treat that is this thing called a spiritual experience. Well, we don't want to talk about God. We might scare the newcomer off. Yeah, so let's just don't talk about God and just kill him instead. It freaks me out.

It freaks me out. We do the war story business until the cows come home. Then you know what we'd do? It's the best. We'd start the junior therapy session.

Making some of you uncomfortable now, aren't I? Guys! Book says we're supposed to talk about the spiritual experience. We're supposed to talk about the 12 steps. But clearly states, we have to be careful how we help the newcomer because they're going to start depending on us rather than obsessions to draw.

Place. And I get to listen to these people, and they walk in, and they, and they're sitting down in SCU, you know, they're getting their detox meds and they look up on the wall and there's 12 steps there and they go, oh, no. It's like, what? Yeah. We're 12 step based treatment center.

I I'm out of here. I'm going. I've tried AA. It doesn't work. Because if I've got to sit in that room and listen to one more person whine about their problems.

Are around, this area. I can assure you they'll tell you. They talked about the 12 steps. They talked about God. They pull people with a vision.

They encourage people to finish this work rapidly. Steps. This is not you didn't get sick overnight? You're not going to get well overnight. So who died and You're not going to get well overnight.

So who died and left you God? You're going to tell me not my experience. I'm sitting in these meetings listening to people talk about their problems. I gotta mention this. You know, you you read the traditions.

Primary purpose to carry the message of hope. We talk about singleness of purpose. I don't know if you all do this here in California and in Texas. If you're a drug addict and you come into one of our AA meetings and you start talking about smoking crack cocaine, they'll shut you down in a heartbeat because of singleness of purpose. We're here to talk about our problems with alcohol.

They may not do that, but we we don't have a problem doing that in Texas. Y'all with us? But yet you can come into that meeting and talk about your stupid divorce one more time. Anytime you want, just let it rip. That's how that's how most of our meetings in Texas are, open discussion meetings.

Just like that. Just the open discussion meetings have practically killed Alcoholics Anonymous anything I want. Well, I'm not having a very good day. Now, let me tell you something. The guy sitting in the back of the room that's detoxing, he's not having a very good day.

You're just going through a thing called life. Why don't you come before the meeting or after the meeting and let's talk about that till the cows come home? But during this hour, why don't we do what we're supposed to do and try to help that guy back there detox it? Is that I don't know. I was sitting in was working for my twin brother up in North Texas.

I've been drinking for nearly 20 years. I was working for my twin brother up in North Texas. I'd been drinking for nearly 20 years and, later in drug and, cocaine figured into my story pretty heavily. I was in the food business and there's a hell of a cash flow in the food business. You know you could and, I'm bankrupt in one restaurant after another, reaching in the till and some of y'all done that.

And, I, I'm not a happy camper. I'm seeing, again, I'm seeing a counselor too and, I'm always seeing a counselor talking about my issues. I'm convinced That's why we said the little issue man buttons. I'm convinced that issues If I could get all my little problems solved that I wouldn't have to drink. Treatment centers are based on that philosophy.

And a lot of our meetings dovetail into that now. And and they shouldn't. Because the book says quite clearly, wife or no wife, job or no job. We can you with y'all Yeah. How many of you guys drank and drugged when life is going great?

Raise your hand. Okay. Scientific experiment. How many of you drank a drug when life was going crappy? Same hands.

So why is it that we wanna spend all of our time trying to figure out how to organize our life? Woman, perfect job, nice, nice pick up truck, everything cool, then I could get sober and stay sober. And I spend all these times talking to the therapist about this business. Again, I'm not knocking the therapist, but I mean, gee, we're trying to accomplish something that is not going to Does anybody think that you're ever going to have a perfect life? If you think you're delusional.

If you think that I mean, life is a bear. Scouts and we talk endlessly about we talk about growing up in a hill country. You know, we talk about having an identical twin. We talked about mom and dad. We talked about little sister.

We talked about that sheep. We we talked We we just won. Don't make it sound like I'm a deviant or something. Y'all are the ones with unisex bathrooms. I don't know what to tell you.

We talked a lot about Vietnam, Frank. We're talking about Vietnam. We talked a lot about it in theory. Vietnam. I was a guy in the sixties seventies, and it was a Vietnam era, and I had a lot of friends.

I've never been to Vietnam ever. You know what? But, we talked a lot about it. We talked a lot about I've said this from the podium a 1000000 times. It makes some of you uncomfortable.

We talked a lot about my sexuality. The down with this. We we every therapist I ever went to, I I wanted to be gay. I I I wanna be something so that he can look at me and says, That's why you're drinking. See?

And then I can do some good therapy around that and get well and go back out there and drink socially like all my buddies Did not work. 1987, I drove back up to my little apartment after a day's work. And it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon, left, went and got a 12 pack of beer, went to my little apartment, picked up a stack of return checks and they do this in California. They put them all on individual envelopes so you can open each one. Now that's you know, and I'm sitting there guys.

I got about a 6 pack in me and I've got all these return checks and I'm 35 years old and I'm I weigh about £60 more, 40, £50 more than I weigh now and it's all right here. I got kitty damage and liver damage. Some say brain damage. I I I am not a happy camper. The depression is kicking my butt.

I'm taking 7 pills a day. Anti this anti that. You with us? Got up went to the medicine cabinet, took down a bunch of volume that I've been stockpiling, and drank them down. I can't do this anymore.

See, I I can't keep looking at myself in the mirror and saying I'm not going to drink anymore and doing it. I can't keep telling my mom and dad that I'm not going to do this anymore and doing it. I am hopeless. I've been to AA. I've been to church.

I've been to therapy. Nothing works. I heard a voice that night that said, Chris, don't do it. Go back to AA. Don't know what I heard?

Heard a voice that said, Chris, don't do it. Go back to AA. A. Small apartment. I could see the whole apartment in my in this window, in this mirror that I'm looking at in the front of the bed.

You know, I'm looking Chris, don't do it. Go back to AA. I'm looking under the bed. Who's what? It's a voice.

Made myself sick, laid down right before I dozed off, right before I passed out. Chris, don't do it. Go back to AA. Next morning, I woke up. First thing I heard was, Chris, don't do it.

Go back to AA. Got up, called the doctor, got some doggy downers, called my brother, told him I'd be late. Made a commitment that the next that night, I would go back to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I did. I'd never been to this meeting before.

A guy in AA had showed it to me one time. He picked me up after a blackout. And, things had gotten pretty nasty. And I, drove up to this meeting at 6 o'clock, cold November night up in North Texas and walked in a backdoor you know how you do when you walk into a room and everybody's laughing? And you know, and you feel real self conscious.

You take a shy person like me who is truly shy and walk into a room like that, and you've all you want to do is scream. You know, I don't want to walk into this place. And I'm uncomfortable, and I stink. I haven't bathed in days. And I'm just I'm self conscious as I can be.

And they're a laugh. And a little girl about 19 years old gets between me and the door. And she said, sit down, cowboy. Meat and Spixin' to start. Call me a lot of things.

Don't call me a cowboy. They set me down in a chair and, they'd seen me up in North Texas for 7 years picking up Desire Chips. I picked up 100 of Desire Chips. They knew who I was. And I recognized some of their faces.

Hey, hey, how you doing? They're all smoking, you know, the ceiling's lower and, you know, it's the And they sat down and they went around and the chairperson said, You know, we got a newcomer in here coming back in from from an from another relapse. And, every head in the place looked at me, you know, like, how did they know? Because I'm detoxing. I've got the shakes so bad I can't hold a styrofoam cup.

I'm squeezing coffee going straight up. I'm a little quick, you know, and I'm coming up. Oh, jeez. And little girl sitting right there, the little 19 year old girl sitting there patting me on a little leg and just saying, you know, just just stick. Just don't run.

Everything in me wanted to run. Around and, instead of telling us a bunch of stories, about our drinking because Chris obviously knows how to drink, why don't we talk about some ways our life has been changed as a result of the work in the steps. If there I'm convinced if there'd been any other chairperson there that night, I'd have been dead tonight. Was going on. He he had worked the steps.

He had had a spiritual experience. And he knew I needed some And they went around the room and they shared some stuff about and about painting pictures and All my head would say is, like so many speakers say, you know, but you don't understand. My case is different because I've got so many other things going on in my life. And I just over the glasses over the glasses like that. He says, Chris, you wanna stay sober the rest of your life?

Are you done? Are you finished for good and for all? I said, well, you know, hey, it's a bit much. Well, one day at a time. He said, that's what I thought.

He got his coffee and he left. Everybody else got their coffee and left. Y'all need to hear me. Because you see, the book says we live life one day at a time. I know we have a daily reprieve.

I can't live off the spiritual experience I had 17 years ago. I gotta have a spiritual experience today to stay sober. I'm with the book says you gotta make a commit. Commit anybody. We don't qualify anybody.

We just let them sit here till they get crazy enough and then leave and then as they're walking out the door saying, nah, he didn't want it. Because And then as they're walking out the door saying, nah, he didn't want it. Could it possibly be that they weren't told how to get sober? Could it possibly be that a lot of well meaning advice that didn't include the 12 steps sentenced them to death? I followed that man out in my coffee room.

I said, Buddy asked me again. You ready to stay sober the rest of your life for good and for all? Are you ready to try to do this one day at a time? Are you ready to try this? I said, Yes.

Absolutely. And buddy, he hugged my neck and cried. And everybody got around and applauded just like y'all did for these birthday recipients. Because for the first time, I was going to stand on some solid ground and put some feet under me. I wasn't going to sit in a chair and tell you what I was going to do.

I was going to show you what I was going to do. And these guys said, we'll show you how to do it. The next morning, they were on my doorstep to escort me back to the meeting. You're with us? It wasn't this, keep coming back.

It works if you work it. In my home group, we don't chant. We do the Lord's Prayer and we say, stay. You with us? I've been coming back for 7 years and was nearly dead.

Stay. Stay. We went to a 10 o'clock meeting. We went in the back room, 4 or 5 guys. We got on our knees and did a 3rd step.

We went and got some Mexican food, came back. They gave me a notebook. We started working on a 4 step. 2 days I'm detoxing, and we start working on a 4 step. Those guys knew that I was going to die if I didn't get connected to God.

They loved me enough to tell me the truth. And if I had a box, they'd turn me You see, guys, this last time when I went back to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't have any contingency plans. I was. Anything in my life. I was out of suggestions.

They said, we'll show you. Suggestions. They said, we'll show you how to do this, buddy. We'll walk you right straight through. Thank God for those men and women that loved me enough to tell me the truth.

Do it your way. This is not a I can't cuss in here either. I just I just can't cuss in here either. I just this is not a cafeteria where we take what we want and leave the rest. I hear that in meetings all the time.

2 It says, Chris, why don't you answer the phone tonight? I said, buddy, this is a Sunday. I came in Friday. I'm the newcomer. Remember me?

I'm the most important person here. I'm already guys, I'm 3 days away from a suicide attempt, and my ego is already rebuilding itself. I'm already figuring out a way I'm already figuring out jockeying for position to figure out how I can get back in there and chase that good looking woman and not have to stand out of here and do anything for you. Guy looked at me right straight in the face and said, Chris, you've been a taker all your life. You want to get well?

You've got to start giving that we get to receive. Like this and watched me. And I said, would And he stood just like this and watched me. And I said, would you one of y'all better get it. It might be a 12 step call.

He said, yeah. 1 of y'all better get it. That's what I do. He said, answer the picked it up, answered Lewisville Group. Lewisville Group.

It's somebody wants a meeting schedule for all kinds. It's an Al Anon on top of that. Where are the meeting schedules? What a what a what a wreck. You know, it's my first twelve step calling.

It's an Al Anon. I gotta How cool. And it I says, let's we got she showed me where the schedule was. They didn't just didn't turn me loose on his phone. They they helped.

They showed me how to do it. And I said, I I gave her the the got one at 7:30. And I'm talking to this lady and I realize that I know her. I drink with her husband, you know? And she used to wear these high heeled shoes but this is I'll never forget those high heeled shoes she used to wear.

But and I said, hey. And she said, is this Chris? And I said, absolutely. She says, you're sober. Absolutely.

I ain't got nothing else to go on. I'll wait for you. You you remember what I look like? I'll wait for you out front. And I did.

I stood out there waiting for her to get there, showed her where the out of line meeting was. But here's the difference, guys. I walked away from that meeting that night. You with us? Drove back up to my little apartment.

And I gotta tell you, I'm standing in a little drawer. For the first time, I'm a part of a group of men and women trying to do some spiritual work. I'm not sitting on the stupid sidelines like I did for 7 years. That fellowship, back to that fellowship, 2 weeks, I drove home to my little house up in North Texas, the little apartment where I tried to commit suicide. And I got out of my truck and I set it on the tailgate of the of my old beat up pickup truck.

And I pulled the tailgate down and I sat on that deal. And it was one of those real cold November nights, you know, North Texas. You see your breath and big old full moon out there. It was clear like it was tonight. And and and and I sat there and something was different.

And I'm looking around and there's 7:11 and stop and go in a circle all the places I'd drink. You know, with us, bar over there, I got a tab in. My cocaine dealer lives in the apartment complex where I live. It's Friday, and I got a pocket full of money, and I don't want to drink. I've told this story 50,000 times from the podium and I can't say it without crying.

Somehow within the 2 weeks of actually coming into a thing called Alcoholics Anonymous and beginning the program, not just sitting in the fellowship, but actually doing the program, the obsession to drink and drug had been lifted for me. And that was 17 years ago, and the obsession has never returned since. That's just I I I hear people all the time talking about relapse, you know, and it's like relapse and he he relapsed because he had alcoholic thinking and he had alcoholic behavior and we're all just a bunch of fruitcakes in here and we're just all sick people and we're all powerless over people, places, and things, and I want to puke because none of that is in the big book. None of that is in the big book. You know why I relapsed for 7 years?

Would not follow directions. I would not do what the book asked me to do. We have a 100% fatal illness called alcoholism and drug addiction, and it's also 100% recoverable. Just just that simple. That's my experience.

These guys weren't going to sit around and watch me die. They said, no, you're going to do this where I don't want to do a 4 step. We don't particularly wanna hear it either, but you need to do it. You need to do it. You know what it is?

I've been in AA 7 years and never worked any of the steps. I'm in AA for 2 weeks and I've worked half the steps. Pretty cool deal, That's an absolute miracle. They had me working with others pronto pronto and it's been the absolute biggest blessing of my life. The book says that the that the entire purpose of the program is to get us connected to a power that can change our lives.

That's why it drives me crazy. If you'll read the steps when we read how it works, it says, we were powerless over alcohol. Only place in the book that it uses the word powerless is around alcohol and it's past tense. We're powerless over people, places, and things. Stop it!

Quit saying that! That's that's crap! That's not true. We're some awful powerful people. When you take alcoholism out of the way, as a recovered individual, we are we are the book says we are spearheads of God's ever advancing creation.

That's where we need to be. We just stop. This is a spiritual program of action. You want to get on the program? You want to get on the on the playing field with us?

Come in here. Get get a book and let's start doing the work. Or you want to just sit in and talk about your crappy day one more time. See, I gotta tell you something folks. I've said this from a podium a lot here lately.

I I I it's it's it's a point that I think we all need to see. There's a difference between knowing God's will and doing God's will. I knew God wanted me sober. I knew he wanted me to make some changes. But I wouldn't get off my butt and do what I could do to make that happen.

Makes sense? 3 weeks ago, tomorrow night, 3 weeks ago, a member of my home group had relapsed a few months before and it was in and out. Couldn't couldn't couldn't stay in and was at home drinking. A bunch of guys I sponsored went over and tried to 12 step him, and he dusted him, said they had him lined up to go back into another detox. And, they went to a meeting and came back over to get him to to get him ready to go to this detox and he had, shot himself.